terasurfer — a terabyte of jokes

Jokes

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Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Tags: one-liners
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A farmer sent his nephew a crate of chickens, but the box burst open just as the boy started to take them out.The next day he wrote his uncle, "I chased them through my neighbor's yard, but only got back eleven." The uncle wrote back: "You did all right.I only sent six."
Tags: farmers
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What is the Difference?
What is the difference between a drunk and a druggie? Drunks run a stop sign and druggies stop at it and wait till it turns green.
Tags: misc
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A priest was walking down the street when he saw a little boy jumping up and down to try to reach a doorbell. So the priest walked over and pressed the button for the youngster. "And now what, my little man?" he asked. "Now," said the boy, "run like hell!"
Tags: children
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Q: How do you get two whales in a Mini? A: Along the M4 and across the Severn Bridge.
Tags: animal
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Want to hear a chimney joke? Got stacks of em! First one's on the house
Tags: classic, general
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Five policemen were on a boat. The boat sank. How many policemen died? 10 - five during the accident, and five during the re-enactment.
Tags: at-work
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What kind of cheese is not yours? Nacho cheese
Tags: misc
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Mother to teenage daughter: "The bad news is, we're moving to a different city. The good news is, your new school is full of boys who didn't see you get sick in the cafeteria last month."
Tags: children
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Racing through the snow a onewarde southern sleigh, all the way we go bahing through the trees, the snow is turning red, I think i'm almost dead, all the children laugh and play around my stupid head!
Tags: misc
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Doctor, Doctor! I have a virus that makes my left hand constantly butter toast. How can I stop it spreading?
Tags: medical
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How do you generate a random string? Put a Windows user in front of Vim and tell them to exit.
Tags: classic, programming
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I went into the kitchen, and there was a tap on the window. Not using that plumber again!
Tags: puns
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What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!
Tags: classic, general
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If it's called tourist season why can't I shoot them?
Tags: misc
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What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless! P.S. This works for just about any instrument player.
Tags: one-liners
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Why are graveyards so noisy? Because of all the coffin.
Tags: classic, general
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Why did the fireman wear red, white, and blue suspenders? To hold his pants up.
Tags: classic, general
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Q: What goes, "KCAUQ, KCAUQ"? A: A duck flying backwards!
Tags: misc
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A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS: "I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."
Tags: at-work
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
Tags: one-liners
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How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive West.
Tags: classic, general
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Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb? A: Many hands make light work.
Tags: light-bulbs
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A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat gets killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news. Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now." To which the boy replied, "What's God gonna' do with a dead cat?"
Tags: animal
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Why did the 12 watt lightbulb drop out of school? It wasn't very bright.
Tags: light-bulbs
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What key opens no lock? A Monkey!
Tags: misc
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Q. Why do husbands die before their wives ? A. They want to
Tags: one-liners
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A six-year-old boy came home from playing at his friend's house and told his mother that he had broken a lamp when he threw a football. "It's all right, mum," he said, brightly; "you don't have to buy them another! Charlie's mum said it was irreplaceable!"
Tags: children
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Not to worry: the man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Tags: one-liners
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-What do you call a dog in a submarine? -A sub-woofer.
Tags: puns
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Earlier today, I took a glimpse at the news. They were doing a report on a new recipe for twinkies. Now they will taste healthier, but still have the same amount of calories, because of course, people can taste health.
Tags: misc
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(These are fake books, but they make me laugh) "Spots on the Wall" by Hoo-flung-poo "Under the Bleachers" by Seamore Butts "Ten Steps from the Outhouse" by Willie Makeit, Illustrations by Bettie Cant
Tags: misc
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If the population of China walked past you, in a single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at a red light. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Tags: misc
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No matter what happens, there is always somebody who knew that it would.
Tags: one-liners
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How do you get a baby alien to sleep? You rocket.
Tags: classic, general
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Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb? A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list.
Tags: light-bulbs
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Nicest Thing About a Nudist Wedding?
What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding? You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.
Tags: one-liners
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Tags: misc
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Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? A: Because it had no body to go with.
Tags: misc
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Why Should Not a Chicken Cross the Road?
Why should not a chicken cross the road? It would be a fowl proceeding.
Tags: animal
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At long last the good-humored boss was compelled to call Fisk into his office. "It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium you have to take your aunt to the doctor." "You know, you're right, sir," exclaimed Fisk. "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking it, do you?"
Tags: misc
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Q: How many WASP Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.
Tags: light-bulbs
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Team has no "I" in it, but it does have a "M" and "E" in it, making "me".
Tags: one-liners
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Q. Why did the dog fall out of the tree? A. Because it was dead Q Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? A. Because it was stapled to the dog! Q. Why did the tree fall over? A. Because it thought it was a game.
Tags: misc
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"How can you stand it?" the young psychiatrist asked the old psychiatrist. "Day in, day out, year in, year out, listening, listening, listening!" "Who listens?"
Tags: medical
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Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. That is what their students are for.
Tags: light-bulbs
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Fellow orders a triple whisky at the bar and stikes up a conversation with the landlord.Fellow: I shouldn't drink this with what I've Got!Landlord: Why what have you got?Fellow: Fifty Pence!
Tags: misc
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There once was a bus staion named Ureliar (You-Really- Are), a man went to the station and waited for his train, he waited and a man came up to him and said,"Hey,my name is Emabuthed (I'm-A-Butt-Head), what's the name of the station?" "Ureliar?" replied the man.
Tags: misc
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How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie on it.
Tags: classic, general
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Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Tags: animal
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What goes oh oh oh? Santa walking backwards
Tags: one-liners
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What do birds give out on Halloween? Tweets.
Tags: classic, general
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Why does a man wear two pairs of pants when he goes golfing? He might get a hole in one!
Tags: misc
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Two cows were standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
Tags: animal
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"I'm having trouble with this new hearing aid," said the man to his audiologist. "Really? Can you describe the symptoms?" "Sure. Homer is fat and yellow, Marge has blue hair..."
Tags: medical
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GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie Kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play He kissed them as well, he's funny that way.
Tags: misc
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How many boy scouts does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three- Each to do one good turn daily.
Tags: misc
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"Doctor, Doctor! My friend has only 59 seconds to live." "Don't worry, I'll be there in a minute."
Tags: medical
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You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same stuff?
Tags: misc
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Q: Where does a blackbird go for a drink? A: To a crow bar.
Tags: animal
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A three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed that the left was on the right and the right was on the left. She said, "Paul, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her and said, "No they're not, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."
Tags: children
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Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going "To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right..."
Tags: light-bulbs
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A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?" The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"
Tags: at-work
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Dear God, So far today, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped. I haven't lost my temper. I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent.I am very thankful for that.But, in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed; and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot more help.Amen
Tags: misc
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A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
Tags: one-liners
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How many members of a certain demographic group does it take to perform a specified task? A finite number: one to perform the task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of the group in question.
Tags: light-bulbs
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Q: How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs. Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984.
Tags: light-bulbs
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A parachute used once, but has never been open!
Tags: misc
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Only in America can a poor black boy turn into a rich white woman... (Michael Jackson)
Tags: one-liners
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What's missing? ch_ _ ch U R you are
Tags: misc
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Q.Why shouldn't you wear snow boots? A.Because they will melt!
Tags: one-liners
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What do you call a belt made out of watches? A waist of time.
Tags: classic, general
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Bill Clinton and his wife Hilary were at a baseball game when the man sitting behind Bill whispers something into Bills ear, Bill Clinton stands up and throws Hilary on the baseball field. The man that was sittingbehind Bill said, "No, NO, I said throw the first pitch!
Tags: misc
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If at first you don't succeed...work for Microsoft.
Tags: one-liners
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Jerry Jones calls Michael Irvin in for a meeting:"Michael" he says, That was a close one & you'll have to be careful from now on.""What do you recommend boss?""From now on it's Pepsi & Nike, not COKE & NOOKIE"
Tags: misc
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Its True and You Can't Deny it
A fact of life: After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F
Tags: misc
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What do you call a black person that wants to be and acts just like Jackie Chan? Blackie Chan
Tags: one-liners
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How many cartoon characters does it take to screw in a light bulb? nine - three to find a light bulb, three to figure out how to remove the old one, three to screw it in, and all of them to complicate it!
Tags: light-bulbs
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Why was the developer always calm? Because they knew how to handle exceptions.
Tags: classic, general
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Normal people believe that "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Engineers believe that "If it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet"
Tags: one-liners
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Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Tags: misc
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One day a three legged dog walked into a bar. He said, "I'm looking for the guy that shot my paw."
Tags: puns
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What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
Tags: classic, general
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Q: How can you tell that an elephant is in the bathtub with you? A: By the smell of peanuts on its breath.
Tags: animal
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How is a computer like an air conditioner? When you open Windows it won't work!
Tags: tech
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If you invited all the alphabet to tea who would be late? The letters 'UVWXYZ' because they all come after 'T'.
Tags: misc
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If I'm canoeing up a tree, how many cupcakes does it take to get to the moon? None, since vests don't have sleeves.
Tags: misc
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Mary had a little lamb! The doctor fainted!
Tags: one-liners
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How many republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they only screw the poor.
Tags: light-bulbs
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Q: How do you know there are three elephants in your refrigerator? A: You can't close the door.
Tags: animal
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Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
Tags: one-liners
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Did you hear about the two peanuts who got mugged on their walk down the street? They were assaulted
Tags: one-liners
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Two eggs sitting on a kitchen table, when one sees a whisk. He says to his friend, "Ooh, what's that?" The friend replies, "Beats me!"
Tags: puns
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If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife/girlfriend told you to do it?
Tags: one-liners
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A man applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor. As soon as the man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the envelope. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor Personnel Office."
Tags: at-work
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One day I was standing in the park wondering how frisbees get bigger when they get closer. Then it hit me.
Tags: one-liners
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Q.What did one sheep call the other sheep who stole his food? A. a ba-a-astard
Tags: animal
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Little Mikey's parents were going out, and Mikey said, "For 20 bucks, Dad, I'll be good." "Oh please," said his father. "When I was your age, I was good for nothing."
Tags: children
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As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
Tags: holidays
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How Can One Person Make So Many Mistakes...
Teacher: Alfred, how can one person make so many mistakes in one day? Alfred: I get up early.
Tags: children
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When ice skating, never judge a brook by its cover.
Tags: puns
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Why did Humpty dumpty go to the shrink? Cause he was half cracked.
Tags: misc
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Why do mathematicians always confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because 31 Oct = 25 Dec.
Tags: college
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Q. Where does a fish like to sleep? A. In a river bed!
Tags: animal
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How many diagonals does an N-polygon have? N(N-3)/2.
Tags: tech
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If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Tags: one-liners
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Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Tags: misc
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Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
Tags: misc
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How many ADHD kids does it take to change a lightbulb? It takes twenty se- hey, this is in the wrong category!
Tags: puns
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An old man saw a very tired infantryman resting after a hard foot march. The man said with disdain: "When I was of your age I thought nothing of a ten-mile hike." "Well, I don't think much of it either," replied the GI.
Tags: misc
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What do Monica Lewinsky and a soda pop machine have in common?? They both say "Insert Bill Here"
Tags: misc
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Did you know diarhea is part of your inheritence? Ya, it flows in our genes.
Tags: puns
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How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it.
Tags: puns
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Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The p is silent.
Tags: classic, general
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A woman goes for her pelvic exam. While the doctor is doing the exam, he notices bikini tan lines, and she has sandals on that say "hecho en mexico" (made in mexico). So he casually asks her, "So did you enjoy your trip to Mexico?" She sits up a little and stares at him with this look of disbelief. "You can tell that just from a pelvic exam?!?!?"
Tags: medical
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Q: What do men and linoleum have in common? A: Lay them right and you can walk all over them the rest of your life.
Tags: misc
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If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program the rest of them will write Perl
Tags: classic, programming
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What did the cop say to the bad popcicle? Freeze!
Tags: misc
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One day, a teacher at an elementary school asks one of her students how clouds form. She replied "I'm not sure how clouds form, but the clouds know how to form, and that's the important thing...."
Tags: children
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Did You Pick Up Your Room?
Mom: Jimmy, did you pick up your room yet? JImmy: No mom, it's too heavy.
Tags: children
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How do you sink a polish ship??? Put it in water
Tags: ethnic-jokes
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"Are you sure you don't want some Novocain?" asked the dentist. "I'm sure," replied the maharishi. "I wish to transcend dental medication."
Tags: puns
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How many Existentialists does it take to change a light bulb? What light bulb?
Tags: light-bulbs
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Q: Why do they have trees in Paris? A: So the Germans can march in the shade instead of the sun.
Tags: misc
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What do you call something with 4 eyes, 3 noses, 7 ears, and 2 mouths? Ugly!
Tags: misc
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We are rated with RSAC i, SafeSurf TM Rated.
Tags: one-liners
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Why was Cinderalla thrown out of the football team? Because she ran away from the ball.
Tags: classic, general
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Man 1: "Why have you painted your car red on one side and blue on the other?" Man 2: "So that if I bang into anyone, the witnesses will have a marvellous time in court contradicting each other!"
Tags: misc
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What kind of key can't open a door. A monkey
Tags: misc
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Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
Tags: light-bulbs
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Who tows the tow trucks when they break down?
Tags: misc
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Why didn't the brakes want to work? Because it was time for their lunch break.
Tags: misc
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Joe: Do you know the difference between a chicken and lettuce? Jill: No. Joe: Remind me not to send you to the supermarket!
Tags: misc
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If the entire world was a stage and God was the director, what we need is a rehearsal.
Tags: one-liners
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This little boy asked his mother one day why his father had no hair. His mother replied, "Well dear, that's because he thinks alot." Having prided herself with coming up with such a wonderful answer she heard her son say, "Gee mommy I'm sure glad you don't think 'cause you'd look funny with no hair!"
Tags: children
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How do you explain counterclockwise to a kid who grew up with a digital watch?
Tags: misc
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An American, a Frenchman and a Chinese went to try their echo; the American said, "Good morning," and the echo came back, "Good morninginginging." Then the Frenchman said, "Bon jour," and the echo came back "Bon jourjourjour." Then the Chinese said, "Chang chiong shang zhang hu," and the echo came back, "Whatwhatwhatwhat?"
Tags: misc
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Brad: I have to take three courses in college; French, Spanish, and algebra Chris: Okay, let me hear you say hi in algebra.
Tags: college
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This is the epitaph on the gravestone of an army mule: Here lies Maggie, who in her time kicked two colonels, four majors, ten captains, twenty-four lieutenants, forty-two sergeants, four hundred eighty-six privates, and one bomb.
Tags: animal
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What is the noisiest part of a tree? Its bark.
Tags: misc
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A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected, a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story, could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim." The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
Tags: at-work
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Descartes walked into a McDonalds and ordered a veggieburger. The guy behind the counter asked "Do you want fries with that?" Descartes replied "I think not," and poof - he disappeared.
Tags: misc
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This joke's so old, it has mold on it! HA HA HA!
Tags: one-liners
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I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a delay. Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated. "I'm having a problem," she announced. "The ice keeps melting."
Tags: misc
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Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
Tags: light-bulbs
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Why did the programmer bring a ladder to work? They heard the code needed to be debugged from a higher level.
Tags: classic, programming
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How do you make a hankie dance? Put a little boogie in it.
Tags: classic, general
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A SQL query walks into a bar
It approaches two tables and asks: "Mind if I join you?"
Tags: tech, classic
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Two friends were out shooting birds. A bird flew from behind a tree and quick as a flash one man shot it. It uttered a squawk, folded its wings and fell to the ground. The other man turned to him and said: " You didn't need to shoot that bird. The fall would have killed it."
Tags: animal
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Person A: Why did the chicken cross the road? Person B: Is this a trick question?
Tags: animal
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How can you tell a vampire has a cold? They start coffin.
Tags: classic, general
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Q: How many Lizzie's does it take to screw up a light bulb A: I Dunno, but it only takes one to screw up a graduation ( from movie lizzie McGuire: she ruins junior high graduation)
Tags: light-bulbs
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What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
Tags: classic, general
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What is red, black, has ten eyes, and crawls? I do not know but it is on your head.
Tags: animal
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Q: Why isn't there a pro football team in Flint, Michigan? A: Because then Detroit would want one too!
Tags: sports
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Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
Tags: puns
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What movie is really the sequel to April Fools? The May-Tricks
Tags: misc
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If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel
Tags: one-liners
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Can you decipher this phrase? M L I K Milk shake!
Tags: misc
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Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it
Tags: classic, general
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What's the difference between a teacher and a train? A teacher says "spit your gum out" and a train says "choo choo!!"
Tags: misc
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How many football players does it take to change a lightbulb? The whole team - and they each get a semester scholarship for it.
Tags: sports
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What did the lunch lady say to the boiled egg? You're in hot water now!!!
Tags: puns
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A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Tags: one-liners
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How many amoebas does it take to change a light bulb? 1. No, 2, no, 4, no, 8, no, 16, 32, 64, 128 . . .
Tags: light-bulbs
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WARNINGS that should appear on alcohol bottles and over bars
Tags: heaven-and-hell
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Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got fine written all over you!!!
Tags: misc
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Why didn't the zombie cross the road? Because he didn't have the guts!
Tags: misc
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Q: How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb? A: None, they like to keep him in the dark.
Tags: light-bulbs
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wife says my husband gave me a mood ring. when i am good it turns green when i am bad he has a red mark on his forehead.
Tags: women
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Where do cats go to find their tail? The retail store.
Tags: animal
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Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet? But most just have 4.
Tags: classic, general
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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Tags: one-liners
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Q. Have you heard about the new 'Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex? A. They're called Predicaments
Tags: puns
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Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups? Because they can't even.
Tags: classic, general
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How Can You Tell If a Man's a Redneck?
If he concentrates on the bottle because it says, "from concentrate!"
Tags: misc
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Hey! I recognize you! You're the third one over on the evolutionary scale!
Tags: one-liners
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What Were You Thinking?
What's round and hard and sticks so far out of a man's pajamas you can hang a hat on it? His head!
Tags: misc
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How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the bulb has got to WANT to change.
Tags: light-bulbs
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True bravery is arriving home late after a boy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?
Tags: one-liners
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Teacher: John, where are the Great Plains? John: At the airport.
Tags: puns
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The first TV remote control, introduced in 1950, was called Lazy Bones. Lemon sharks can give birth to about 36 babies at one time. The top of the Empire State Building was originally built as a place to anchor blimps. The area code in Cape Canaveral, Fl, is 321.
Tags: misc
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Actual Newspaper Headline: Kids Make Great Snacks For Teachers.
Tags: one-liners
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Joke: Why does Snoop Dogg Carry an umbrella? Answer: For Drizzle my nizzle
Tags: one-liners
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Judi is explaining to Monika the bad day she'd had at work.Judi's boss had suffered a heart attack and died.Monika said, "How horrible!What did you do?" Judi shook her head."There was nothing I *could* do.He kept yelling at me to call 9-1-1, but he wouldn't tell me the rest of the numbers!"
Tags: misc
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What do you call a blind deer? No idea (no eye deer.) What do you call a blind deer with no legs? Still no idea! (not moving [still] no eye deer)
Tags: animal
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"Ciao amico, desidero comprare un mazzo di banane." "Il compagno spiacente, questo Ã ̈ un farmacista."
Tags: at-work
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too much to pay for corn ([a] buck an ear)
Tags: one-liners
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Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Tags: classic, general
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One day there was a woman who lost her cat named "LOVE." It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York. So, thinking that he might be down the street, she put on her house-coat and went looking for him. When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing, she said very honestly, "I'm looking for LOVE." The policeman arrested her on the spot.
Tags: misc
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Ah...all the good things we get out of electricity: the T.V., computer, coffee machine, lights, and much more. What happens when the electricity goes out? You stop complaining that you can't watch T.V. or send an E-mail, and go buy battery-powered things!
Tags: misc
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It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest. - S. den Hartog, Ph D. Thesis Universtity of Groningen.
Tags: medical
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What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between us, something smells!
Tags: classic, general
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How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!
Tags: children
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Throughout the centuries, mothers have been given their children plenty of good advice and notable quotes. Here's just a small sampling:
Tags: family-parents
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Did you hear about France's new weapons contracts? They gave one to Ace Hardware to produce 250,000 wood sticks . . . They are still looking for a company to produce 250,000 little white flags.
Tags: misc
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Can You Decipher This Phrase? B O N E S Broken bones!
Tags: animal
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What's purple and commutes? An Abelian grape.
Tags: tech
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This really happened (honest!) A bunch of very young girls arrived at our door at Halloween. My Mum, being friendly, asked them whereabouts they lived, because she hadn't seen them before. They replied, "We live quite near here, where do you live?"
Tags: children
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Knock-Knock. Who's there? Avon Lady, your door bell is broken.
Tags: knock-knock
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Here is a fragment of a crossword puzzle. P _ O _ _ _ Clue: Something that is often brown and hard to clean. Answer: Poodle.
Tags: misc
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Q: Why did the scientist install a door knocker on his door and not a door bell? A: He wanted to win the No-Bell (Nobel) prize!
Tags: puns
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Why did the kid walk backwards to school? Because it was back to school day!
Tags: children
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Overheard in a doctor's waiting room: "My uncle had a cough like yours and he died. Mind you, he was hiding under his neighbour's bed at the time."
Tags: one-liners
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Teacher: "Why does an elephant have a trunk?" Student: "Because it doesn't have a glove compartment!"
Tags: animal
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Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? A: They all have phones.
Tags: one-liners
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Whats a blondes favorite nursury rhyme?humpme dumpme
Tags: blonde-jokes
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What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
Tags: one-liners
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A man walks into a bar. He falls down, unconscious. Why is this? Because the man walked into a solid bar. A solid, metal bar!
Tags: bar
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A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role. "Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."
Tags: at-work
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The Lazy Bowl Reclining toilet: It's plush while you flush!
Tags: one-liners
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Want to Hear a Clean Joke?
Want to hear a clean joke? Bob took a bath with bubbles. Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is Bobs neighbor.
Tags: one-liners
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How many roaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb? You'll never know because when you turn on the light, they scatter!
Tags: misc
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Knock Knock Who's there ! Banana ! Banana who ? Banana split, so ice creamed !
Tags: knock-knock
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What's a bigamist? A heavy fog in Naples!
Tags: one-liners
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First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Tags: one-liners
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A guy walks into a bar wearing a pair of jumper cables around his neck. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey buddy, don't try to start anything..."
Tags: one-liners
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What's Gray, Has Four Legs, and a Trunk?
What's gray, has four legs, and a trunk? A mouse on vacation.
Tags: animal
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What math term tells what acorns say when they are a tree??? Geometry!! (Geo-m-e-try) (Gee I'm a tree)
Tags: misc
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If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow -- even during a hurricane! -- here is a valuable tip: Your life is in trouble.
Tags: sports
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Mr. Smith: "So, Mr. Jones, how's your son John?" Mr. Jones: "He's at Harvard right now." Mr. Smith: "Oh, really?! Well, congratulations! What's he studying?" Mr. Jones: "Oh, he's not studying anything. They're studying him."
Tags: college
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Q: What do you call a schizophrenic Buddhist? A: Someone who is at two with the universe.
Tags: one-liners
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One day, a customer walked into a pet shop and told the clerk, "I need two small, gray mice and about five dozen roaches." Puzzled, the shop attendant asked the reason for this strange request. "Well, I'm moving out of my apartment and my lease told me that I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found them."
Tags: misc
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Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
Tags: children
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The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in modern business and government, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:
Tags: business
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Which fish is the most valuable in the sea? A goldfish.
Tags: animal
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How do you praise a computer? Say "Data Boy"!
Tags: puns
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Q: Why are frogs so happy? A: They eat whatever bugs them!
Tags: animal
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A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client with a note that said, "This bill is one year old. "By return mail, the lawyer received the bill back with a note attached to it, saying: "Happy Birthday. "
Tags: misc
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OK, let's consider the physical evidence. The moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the Earth every year. Do the math and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs; the tallest ones, anyway
Tags: animal
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Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Tags: one-liners
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There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
Tags: one-liners
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What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.
Tags: misc
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There's this dyslexic guy... he walked into a bra...
Tags: bar
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Q: How many [IBM] Technical Writers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only, ''This page intentionally left blank,'' and 20% of the definitions are of the form ''A
Tags: light-bulbs
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One night, after a long hard day at work a politician went home. It was fairly late, around 10:00 p.m.All of the sudden, a masked man jumped out of the bushes and demanded all the politician's money."You can't do that!!" The politician cried. "I'm a politician!""Oh," said the masked man, "in that case give me all MY money!!"
Tags: misc
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After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
Tags: one-liners
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Is that a mirror in your jeans? Because I can see myself in them.
Tags: one-liners
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What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food? "Let us prey."
Tags: animal
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The phone rings in the maternity ward. Upon answering, the duty midwife is told by a man "Mrs Jones is about to give birth, her contractions are just 3 minutes apart!" The midwife asks "Is this her first Child?" Bemused, the man says "No, don't be daft, this is her Husband!"
Tags: misc
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Jokes

What is the Difference?

Nicest Thing About a Nudist Wedding?

Why Should Not a Chicken Cross the Road?

Its True and You Can't Deny it

How Can One Person Make So Many Mistakes...

Did You Pick Up Your Room?

A SQL query walks into a bar

How Can You Tell If a Man's a Redneck?

What Were You Thinking?

Want to Hear a Clean Joke?

What's Gray, Has Four Legs, and a Trunk?