Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• “Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”. “No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

  Tags: one-liners

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• I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me "What do you do at a red light?" I said, "I don't know... look around, listen to the radio...

  Tags: one-liners

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• What brand of cereal is the strongest?? Mini Wheats, because they’re shredded.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I'm so introverted I won't even talk to myself.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach" Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb? Why does it have to be a group activity?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do hockey rinks have curved corners? Because if they were 90 degrees, the ice would melt.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Why did the Stormtrooper buy an iPhone? Because he couldn't find the Droid he was looking for.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Hockey players are good at making new friends. They break the ice really quickly.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Why did the tree install solar panels? It wanted to be a power plant.

  Tags: one-liners

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• It may be illegal to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say? I'm a whisk taker

  Tags: one-liners

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• I broke two of my dads Queen records... Now I want to break three.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for.... Times new ramen!

  Tags: one-liners

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• what do zombie cereal mascots say? graaaiiiins

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why can't a chicken coop have more than two doors? Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Apple farmers who are too scared to diversify. should just grow a pear.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I threw a boomerang 6 years ago and it never came back... Now I live in constant fear.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If a short psychic broke out of jail, then you'd have a small medium at large.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

  Tags: crazy-jokes

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• Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I'm being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I'm talking about.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Told a girl she looks better without her glasses on. She said I also look better without her glasses on.

  Tags: one-liners

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• a graphic designer, an astrophysicist, a dentist and an electrician walk into a bar. it was queen and they were playing their first gig

  Tags: one-liners

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• Light babies are delivered by stork, heavy babies... Delivered by crane.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was going to buy an invisible sword... But I don't see the point.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

  Tags: misc

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• What kind of music do wind turbines like? They're huge metal fans

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• Inflation: Being broke with a lot of money in your pocket.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I was arrested for drinking battery acid. But I wasn’t charged.

  Tags: one-liners

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• After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I've caught.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do they call shoes with wheels in Africa? SwaHeeleys.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable? Because it's all heart.

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• The bartender says, “Go home. We don’t serve faster-than-light-particles here.”. A tachyon walks into a bar.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Always go to other peoples funerals, or they wont come to yours.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What will fall on the lawn first? An autumn leaf or a Christmas catalog?

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• The swordfish has no natural predators to fear from .except the penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.

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• Everyone seems normal until you get to know them

  Tags: one-liners

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• Man I really hate calculus. It just derives me crazy

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• I was kicked out of the house for my bad impressions of Arnold Schwarzenegger. But that didn't faze me. As I left, I told 'em... "I'll be returning"

  Tags: one-liners

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• The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five minutes more.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a bird that's afraid of heights? A chicken

  Tags: one-liners

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• In Laughter, the L comes first. The rest of the letters come aughter it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I lost 189 lbs in one week. By getting a divorce.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember everything.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia. She whispers, "They're right behind you!"

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• What do you call a gigachad UX designer? Figma male

  Tags: one-liners

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• Somebody told me I was condescending today. Since you probably don't know what that means, its when you talk down to people.

  Tags: one-liners

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• She was only a whisky maker's daughter, but he loved her still.

  Tags: puns

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• Why is six afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender...

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you make holy water? You take ordinary tap water and boil the hell out of it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray!

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do priests make Holy Water?They boil the hell out of it!

  Tags: heaven-and-hell

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• My neighbors listen to awesome music. whether they like it or not.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I think the most exciting thing about being an adult is never knowing what part of your body is going to hurt the next day

  Tags: one-liners

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• The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Why did the vulture check his baggage at the airport? He wasn't allowed any carrion

  Tags: one-liners

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• Software architects should never design high security fences. They’re likely to make them highly scalable.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Love is a lot like algebra... You look at your X and try to figure out Y.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't understand why people don't like lazy people. They didn't do anything.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What do you call a snake that's 3.14 metres long? A πthon

  Tags: one-liners

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• I hate calculus... I sometime wonder why I thought I should SINE up for this.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• What do you call a group of babies? an Infantry

  Tags: one-liners

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• If breaks are meant to be slow... then why do they call it "breakfast"?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I am broken when my name is spoken. What am I? McDonald’s ice cream machine

  Tags: one-liners

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• "If two wrongs don't make a right, what do two rights make?" An Airplane

  Tags: one-liners

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• Is your name Wi-Fi? Because I'm feeling a connection.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Mary had a little lamb, fries and a coke.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, "Well, this changes everything"

  Tags: one-liners

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• When people won't talk to me, it doesn't bother me. When a dog won't let me pet them, man, that really hurts.

  Tags: one-liners

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• They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I like to hold hands at the movies... which always seems to startle strangers.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Hey! Football team! Get off the band field!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn't answered a phone call since 2008.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Purple is my favorite color! I like it more than blue and red combined.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call the single grain of corn on the tree? Acorn

  Tags: one-liners

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• There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "Hello everyone, welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous." "I see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

  Tags: one-liners

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• The artist thought his favourite paint had been stolen, but it was just a pigment of his imagination.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Why can't proctologists get out of debt? They're always in arrears.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Have you heard about the amazing new discovery? It's a pill that is half aspirin and half glue for people who suffer from splitting headaches.

  Tags: misc

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• Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the police's favorite gaming console? WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm gonna spend Valentine 's Day with my ex... Box 360.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Watched a show where a guy used a chain link gate to sift through rocks. I found it a fence sieve...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are vegetarians never involved in Any drama? They can’t stand beef

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are pirates the best at calculus? Because a true pirate never forgets the C .

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• What does an exorcist do when his clients won't pay up? He gets the ghosts to repossess the house.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Edgar Allen Poe is about to walk into a tree and you only have enough time to say one word before he hits it. What should you say to him? Poetry!

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many retirees to change a light bulb? Only one, but it might take all day.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Why don't criminals hang out in front of pubs? Because they usually end up behind bars.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Someone keyed the music teacher’s car. Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of you will get this

  Tags: one-liners

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• Here's a lighted dynamite stick, please hold it until I get back.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did Woody say to Buzz? A lot. There were 3 movies.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler...

  Tags: one-liners

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• An escalator can never break — it can only become stairs.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't care how funny you are, if I don't like you, I won't laugh.

  Tags: one-liners

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• 9/10 people. Accordion to research, 9/10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two cheese trucks ran into each other. De brie was everywhere.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'll only go to elementary school reunions because those people didn't start to hate me until we were in high school.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My son got an F in his geography exam today. I sent him to his room but he ended up in the kitchen

  Tags: one-liners

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• Nothing says' I love my dog' quite like spending more money on his haircut than you do your own.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, money

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• I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician! I was just sitting there doing nothing!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where do dads keep their jokes? In their dadabase.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I use to eat natural foods, but then I found out that 65% of all people die of natural causes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a snowman in July? A puddle.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• So far, Humpty Dumpty is having a terrible winter. Which sucks because he had a great fall

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's cooler than being cool? Being 0K.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How did the dentist become a brain surgeon? The drill slipped.

  Tags: one-liners

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• From the 7 year old nephew: Why didn't the volcano eat dinner? Because its plates were broken.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Fun fact: "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound. . . At least, I'm pretty sure that's correct.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is the letter "C" afraid of the rest of the alphabet? Because all the other letters are Not-Cs

  Tags: one-liners

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• I gave up Thai boxing because I felt the Thais were getting fed up being put in boxes.

  Tags: puns

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• I forgot the Roman numerals for 51, 6, and 500. I am LIVID.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The reason grandparents and children get along so well is really quite simple: They have a common enemy.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble but... shouldn't that be an even number?

  Tags: one-liners

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• My dad used to say "Always fight fire with fire." Probably explains why he was thrown out of the Fire Service.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I was really bored, so I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary. I learned next to nothing.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How is a thrown dictionary similar to birds flying south for winter? They’re both flying information.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Who is both a knight and a spy? Sir Veillance

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you know that an introvert likes you? He looks at your shoes instead of his.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What if there were no hypothetical situations?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I will have enough money for the rest of my life. Of course, if I don't buy and eat anything.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Here's a step by step guide to walking up the stairs, step 1) Right foot, step 2) Left foot, step 3) Right foot...

  Tags: one-liners

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• In Europe, they don't call it the "Friend Zone" They call it the "Pal Region"

  Tags: one-liners

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• RIP to my good friend Brian eaten by a pack of dyslexic zombies :(

  Tags: one-liners

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• What cheat code do you use to get into the Army? Left, left, left, right, left

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wish I was poor one day in my life... Because being poor everyday sucks...

  Tags: one-liners

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• When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it's an anagram of 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to fine art.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's is the difference between ignorance and negligence? I don't know and I don't care.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where does a spy sleep? Under covers.

  Tags: one-liners

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• LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

  Tags: one-liners

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• I had to quit my vegetarian diet. Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I like to give people blank "Thank you" cards for their birthdays and then when they ask me what it's for I say, "You'll thank me later!"

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm in shape. Round is a shape isn't it

  Tags: one-liners

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• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you were 8 years old when “Red Red Wine” was released. UB40 now

  Tags: one-liners

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• Hey, are you -273.15°C? Yeah, I'm 0K thanks.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?!"

  Tags: one-liners

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• I think it's ridiculous that people are letting off fireworks in September, my cat was so scared he ran up the Christmas tree.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• The best part about working in an office is that if you ever forget that you got a haircut, someone will definitely point it out to you.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• You know the times have changed... When Portugal leaves Brazil without taking any Gold.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm sick of tired of people soaking my floor with their wet umbrellas when they come over to visit. I think it's time to make a stand.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Last Father's Day my son gave me something I always wanted: the keys to my car.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have a pen that can write underwater! It can also write other words too

  Tags: one-liners

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• Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

  Tags: one-liners

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• The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister in Sweden. He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why don't you do arithmetic in the jungle? Because if you add 4 + 4 you get ate!

  Tags: one-liners, animal, food

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• What do you call a stupid grain? A half wheat!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I would give my dad what he really wants on Father's Day, but I can't afford to move out yet.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing yesterday.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How is the liquid inside the iPhone’s battery called? Apple juice

  Tags: one-liners

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• I would count my blessings on Thanksgiving, but my relatives outnumber them.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• If you're here for the yodeling lesson. please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

  Tags: one-liners

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• That’s not a Crocodile Dundee reference... THIS is a Crocodile Dundee reference.

  Tags: one-liners

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• what kind of music sinks to the bottom of the ocean? Heavy rock

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• Why are Taylor Swift's songs always a hit? (WARNING POKEMON JOKE) Because swift never misses.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My favorite part of Fall is walking through a hundred spider webs a day and screaming every single time.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What do you call friends that you go out to eat with? Taste buds.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I used to be a baker but I couldn't make enough dough.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself any time.

  Tags: one-liners

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• It's funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What ethnicity is Santa? North Poleish

  Tags: one-liners

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• Lately I've been trying to touch my toes, which I don't find so complicated, but my knees just can't get it straight.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My teenage daughter is really acting odd.. She can’t even

  Tags: one-liners

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• The gangster's last words – "Who put that violin in my violin case?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• The computer, the greatest invention in life even though it's bad for you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Interviewer - Okay, describe yourself in 3 words. Lazy

  Tags: one-liners

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• 85%of people in America don't know basic math. Thanks God I'm from the other 25%

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Tarzan doesn't have a beard. Yet he lives in the jungle for over 30 years.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I could make jokes about bears, but they are unbearable.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Why is Yoda the worst copilot? "Yoda, are we still going the right way?" "Off course we are"

  Tags: one-liners

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• When you marry, your spouse's family become "in-laws." So, when you divorce, does that make them "outlaws?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• In Arkansas, it is illegal to say the word Arkansas incorrectly.

  Tags: misc

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• I wanted to learn how to make ice cream, so I started attending sundae school.

  Tags: puns

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• I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday. My boss said, “Clean our your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”

  Tags: one-liners

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• 5 years from now it'll be 2020... I can see it now... That's a perfect vision joke.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I dated a dentist a while back, She had the whitest teeth I ever came across.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A cop just knocked on my door and said that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes...

  Tags: one-liners

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• what did the Copper say to the sodium chloride couple? I'm taking you in for a salt

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls? Because he only dated mummies.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, food

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• Who's Santas favorite singer? Elf-is Presley !

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• What did the dog say when he rubbed sandpaper on his tail? Rough, rough!

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• The creator of WinRAR was arrested and put on trial. The trial was supposed to last 40 days, but it keeps on going

  Tags: one-liners

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• How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday? It's already run out of battery.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My son was getting super stressed learning about decimals. I guess you could say it was getting pretty tenths.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great, I love being my own boss.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Sadly, I've lost 20% of my sight. Sigh

  Tags: one-liners

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• Always make sure SOMEONE in the relationship has good credit... That's why it's called SIGNIFICANT other. Sign/if/I/Can't.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where did the frugal judge sent the criminal? To the pennytentiary.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Children are the leading cause of old age.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week. My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.

  Tags: one-liners

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• if stealing kids is kidnapping,is stealing adults oldnapping?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you guys hear about the kid getting arrested for bringing a clock to school? Sources say that the teachers were alarmed.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I went to a zoo and there was a baguette in a cage. The keeper said it was bread in captivity.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• What's Santa's favourite heavy metal band? Sleigher

  Tags: one-liners, music, science

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• I don’t know why marvel hasn’t tried to advertise on the hulk. He’s a giant banner after all.

  Tags: one-liners

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• This morning my alarm went off, I thought it's sell-by date was tomorrow.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you get when you cross Henry VIII and Vlad the Impaler? Executed.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I tried to be an Uber driver... Trouble is, my passengers didn’t appreciate when I went the extra mile.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a vet that can only work on one animal? A doctor

  Tags: one-liners

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• I almost got busted for shoplifting candy today... But I got out of it. I've got a couple of twix up my sleeve.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I named my eraser Confidence. Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make

  Tags: one-liners

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• Only in America ... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?

  Tags: one-liners

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• My dad asked me the other day: "Are you even listening to me?" Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm giving up spreadsheets for forty days. Excellent.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot? 671 Hallmark movies.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you talk with bacteria? By cellphone.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Smart people don't call themselves smart - me included.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two clowns are eating a cannibal. The first clown says to the second "I think we're doing this joke wrong".

  Tags: one-liners

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• I used to a fan of evolution. But then I have evolved.

  Tags: one-liners

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• called the UPS office in Germany to ask if they were sending out my Oculus Rift. they said VR ready

  Tags: one-liners

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• Would anyone be interested in being my companion? Asking for a friend

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did Raichu say when it saw Pikachu? Raichu

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why can’t you play basketball with a sovereign citizen? They are always traveling

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• What word is spelled wrong on every dictionary. Wrong

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why does windmills like heavy metal? Because they are a huge metal fan

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• What is David Byrne’s social security number? 444-44-4444

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Breaking News: A movie theatre has just been robbed of over two thousand dollars. The theives took a large soda and two bags of popcorn

  Tags: one-liners

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