Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• What's cooler than being cool? Being 0K.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I asked my buddy if he always puts an orange wedge in his beer. He said, "Ehh not really. Maybe once in a Blue Moon."

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• I recently lost my job at NASA Mission Control... I misheard when someone said "It's lunch time", and sent a rocket up with nobody in it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "What are you eating and how can I help?" -Dogs

  Tags: one-liners, animal, food

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• What do you call a shadow government ran by furries? The uwuminati

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• To the person who invented infinity: "Thanks for everything."

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• I'm starting to think cyber security is at the same level as mall security

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• I really admire people who keep going despite being in a lot of debt. They really deserve a lot of credit

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• A man with authority walks into a bar... Orders everyone a round

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• You're never too old to learn something stupid.

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• "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry... Because I always back up my rage with facts and well documented sources" -The Credible Hulk

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• Why don't salmon watch cable television? They prefer streams.

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• Why does Quentin Tarantino refuse to make movies with digital cinematography? Because he's the reel deal.

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• Why does Karl Marx hate earl grey? Because all proper tea is theft.

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• Like a flat tire.......how I'm rolling this morning.

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• Helen Waite is our credit manager. If you want credit, go to Helen Waite.

  Tags: puns

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• I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot. Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B

  Tags: one-liners

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• My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume, she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• I'll never forget the first time we met. But I'll keep trying.

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• If 666 is the evil number. Then 25.806975... is the root of all evil.

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• When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails.

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• Dear Week, I'm so over you. I'm leaving you for your best friend, Weekend. Don't try to find us for at least 2 days.

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• Nothing says' I love my dog' quite like spending more money on his haircut than you do your own.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, money

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• How do you know when Santa's in the room? You can sense his presents.

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• I wanted to make my racing snail faster.. So I took off its shell. If anything it became a lot more sluggish.

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• I like 25 letters of the alphabet. But I love u

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• So my neighbor knocked on my door at 3AM... Who knocks on doors at three in the morning? It's so inconsiderate! Good thing I was still up playing my bagpipes.

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• I got so drunk the other night that I lost my glasses. The rest is a blur.

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• Why can't you use sarcasm with a kleptomaniac? Because they take things literally.

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• Why did Jiminy Cricket hide in a seashell? He was hoping to be somebody's Conch-ience.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• The gangster's last words – "Who put that violin in my violin case?"

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• Why did princess peach begin to choke? Because Mario came down the wrong pipe

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• My life has been all downhill ever since that one day when I emerged from my mother's womb.

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• A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code. He refused to comment

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• "Persian sonic, why are you tired?" "Iran."

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• When decorating your tween daughter's room, don't forget to leave ample space for half the glasses in your kitchen.

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• What do the Backstreet Boys and Algebra teachers have in common? They both want you to tell them Y.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there. Yesterday for example I took a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was "Michael".

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts'... Which, on the one hand is great, but on the other it's just not right

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• I asked Sinatra what his favorite cereal was, an you know what he said? That’s Life

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Can't decide if I want to steal some bikes or visit a heavy metal legend.. Either way I'm going to rob Halfords

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It's a nice reminder of what I did all year.

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• I once stayed up all night trying figure out where the sun went. Then it dawned on me

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• Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10? I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"

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• Today is your birthday, so congratulate yourself, especially if you're still young enough to remember it.

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• So what if I don't know what "apocalypse" means. It's not like it's the end of the world

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• If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?

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• I don't know why people are afraid of flying. Most crashes happen at ground level

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• My bank has a new feature where they'll text you your bank balance. I think it's pretty cool. I just don't think they should end the text with "LOL", though.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Baseball is my favorite sport, because you can play it on a professional level with food in your mouth.

  Tags: one-liners, food, sports

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• Why does Waldo wear stripes? He doesn't want to be spotted

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• What do you call a cow spying on another cow? A steak out

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Why didn't anyone want the free phone cables? Because they were free of charge!

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• We tried Plan a, b, c, d but none have worked. But, Plan e just might take off

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• I read a science fiction book where people drill for mercury as a power source. It was by Hg Wells.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Two guys walk into a bar: "Ouch! Oof!"

  Tags: misc

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• That awkward moment when your child looks to you for wisdom and you're like, "Honey, I don't even know what day of the week it is."

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• Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. I've been doing nothing for years.

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• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

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• Don't join the new TESCO dating service, my mate did and he ended up with a bag for life.

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• I drive way too fast to worry about my cholesterol.

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• What would you call the Fantastic Four if Snoop Dogg joined the team? The High Five

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• The next iPhone won't be a failure. In fact, it'll be a huge 6S.

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• Danger is my middle name. but Safety first.

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• I told my boss 3 companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my present job. He asked which 3 were interested. I said the gas, electric and cable.

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• Roses are red, Cellos are brown. Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down ;)

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• What kind of concert only costs 45 cents? A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback.

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• what is a 4 person rock group that doesn't play music? mount rushmore

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• My favorite part of Fall is walking through a hundred spider webs a day and screaming every single time.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What did the knight say to the trainee who broke the blade off his sword? You need to get a handle on that.

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• There's nothing like the joy on a kid's face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

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• What is Dracula's favorite fruit? A nectarine.

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• I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know

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• What kind of music do they play at Stonehenge? Hard Rock.

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• A Man Claimed I stole His Guitar. I told him his accusations were bassless.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• If you're here for the yodeling lesson. please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

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• What do you call a person who keeps on talking after everyone's lost interest? A teacher

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• My sister bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti... You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

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• My dad used to say "Always fight fire with fire." Probably explains why he was thrown out of the Fire Service.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• "I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon".

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• If you play a Windows Vista disc backwards, you can hear satanic chanting what's worse, if you play it forwards, it installs Vista.

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• Shout out to the people asking what the opposite of in is.

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• David Hasselhoff told his agent that he wants to be known as Hoff from now on. Agent: Sure David. No hassle.

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• Why didn't the bear go to college? Because bears don't go to college.

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• What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes? Re-morse code.

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• Down with the metric system. No more foreign rulers!

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• I love the smell of my F5 key... It's just so refreshing!

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• I have a fear of elevators but I'm taking steps to avoid it.

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• The king had a powerful army. He reined for 7 years before clearing the clouds!!!

  Tags: puns

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• Doctor: “Sir, I have some bad news, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”. Me: “and?”

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• What's the stupidest animal in the jungle? The Polar bear.

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• Yesterday I robbed the oversized board game store. It was a huge Risk that I was willing to take

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• I hate One Direction fans... Oscillating ones cool down a room much better.

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• Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is like? No sun.

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• We had a band in High School called 1023 Megabytes. We never made it to a gig.

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• Between the Stone Age and the Bronze Age, there was The Copper Age... Back then, people really knew how to conduct themselves...

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Teacher: "Are you sleeping in my class?" Student: "Well now I´m not but if you could be a little quieter I could."

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• What do Clowns and moldy bread have in common? They both taste funny.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Does anyone know how to avoid click bait? Apparently not.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I had a dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like 0mg

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• Every time I hear the dirty word "Exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

  Tags: misc

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• How does a snowman get around? He rides an icicle!

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• I can totally relate to batteries. I'm not included in anything either.

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• Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.

  Tags: misc

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• If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement, Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?

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• If you didn't take a selfie at the gym, were you really there?

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• It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.

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• If there were a cord that insulted people... It would be called a discord

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• I got to a party and the host said, “Make yourself at home”, so I got comfortable. Turns out English was not his first language, and he was asking me to leave.

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• I wanted to learn how to make ice cream, so I started attending sundae school.

  Tags: puns

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• My brother has been writing a stage drama about a dictionary and a thesaurus. I'm really looking forward to it. I love a play on words.

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• Whoever invented the knock knock jokes. Should get a Nobell prize.

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• How do you remember to put on deodorant every morning? I don't know but you probably shouldn't come near me

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• Grandpa joke: What becomes shorter when you add 2 letters? Short

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• Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo... We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds...

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• A person who speaks two languages is bilingual and one who speaks three, is trilingual. What do you call a person who speaks only one language? American

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• Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them

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• What was Forrest Gump's email password? 1forrest1

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• Two slices of bread got married. The ceremony was going quite well until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little animal you have to keep alive is yourself.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, programming

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• How to avoid clickbait? Not like this

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• I went to get some paper from the stationery store, but it had moved.

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• How do you double the value of a Trabant? Fill up the tank!

  Tags: misc

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• The worst part about working for the department of unemployment. Is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.

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• Why don't criminals hang out in front of pubs? Because they usually end up behind bars.

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• Friends are forever. Until they get in a relationship.

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• I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10am... I'm not really a mourning person.

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• My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach" Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon

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• All of these people here talking about how they love with their whole heart... I'm just happy I didn't bite anyone today.

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• What do you name a tricky pig? Cunningham

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• What do you call an iron/carbon alloy that never gets embarrassed? Shameless steel

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• If you weigh 99 pounds and eat 1 pound of nachos you will be 1% nachos!

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans

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• My roommate's cellphone broke. He wants me to let you guys know he's vegan

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• Why did the mermaid rush out of her maths exam, red faced and embarrassed? Because her algaebra didn't hold up.

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• Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime. It's just another day at the United States Bureau of Engraving and Printing.

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• What's a pirate's favorite explosive? M80

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• I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

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• What do you call a bear that has been to Antarctica and the North Pole? A bipolar bear

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• A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I said, "That's the last thing I need."

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• A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia. She whispers, "They're right behind you!"

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• Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? Sure, they're very scent-imental!

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the butcher

  Tags: animal

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• Customer: "I'm running Windows '95."Tech Support: "Yes."Customer: "My computer isn't working now."Tech Support: "Yes, you said that."

  Tags: computers

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• My professor accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb? Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z!

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• It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails. But when it happens no one is shocked.

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• When ice skating, never judge a brook by its cover.

  Tags: puns

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• I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday. My boss said, “Clean our your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”

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• I woke up late one morning so I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water. I got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

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• Some say that the english language is hard to learn. But you can do it through tough, thorough thought though.

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• How can you differentiate male ants from female ants? They're all female, otherwise they'd be called uncles

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• There's no "I" in "team" but there are 5 in "individual brilliance".

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• Who is the worst spy in history? James Bond. Because everyone knows him.

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• Always make sure SOMEONE in the relationship has good credit... That's why it's called SIGNIFICANT other. Sign/if/I/Can't.

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• I started an emo salsa band. We're called Hispanic at the Disco

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• To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

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• "When one door closes another door opens" he said. "That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."

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• I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

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• It's now 7 months since I joined the gym and nothing has changed. Maybe it's time I go there personally and find out what's wrong.

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• I saw a stand-up comic doing jokes about botany. Nobody in the audience laughed except one guy. I looked at him and thought "you're a plant".

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• Why do they have braille on drive-thru ATMs?

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• I came out to my parents this week, I said I wanted to become a mechanic. I've already started transmissioning...

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• See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

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• Where is happiness made? At the satisfactory.

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• I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means. What a legend.

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• I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators. I'm taking steps to avoid them.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I've opened three birthday cards and I'm already $150 up. I love being a postman!

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Nerd joke. A photon walks up to an airline counter to buy a ticket and the clerk asks "any baggage to check?" The photon replies "No, I'm traveling light."

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• “How much to buy a singing ensemble!?” I asked the clerk. Puzzled, he questioned, "You mean a choir?" “Fine! How much to acquire a singing ensemble!?”

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• 6:30 is the best time on a clock hands down.

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• What is the difference between Game of Thrones and Twitter? With Twitter you only get 140 characters.

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• I used to be scared of pretty girls, So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day? Because they're always wearing green.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• What's the main use for leather in the world? Holding cows together

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you say "I knew you were going to say that" enough. You can start billing people for psychic readings.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I always give 110%. Oops. Left out the decimal point. I always give 1.10%.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What do you call a girl who stands in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My boss just said to me "You've been late five days this week... Do you know what that means?" I certainly do - it's FRIDAY!

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

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• How do you get past defense? You open degate.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My dad has a pencil that was once owned by Shakespeare. It's so chewed up that we can't tell if it's 2b or not 2b.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The landlady asked me if I minded making my own bed. I said I didn't and she said great there's a hammer and nails in the corner.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you think your microwave spying on you is bad... Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• One of my coworkers got fired for putting dangerous substances in the products. I don’t think it was completely his fault though. He did asbestos he could.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the pan? You take away its broom.

  Tags: one-liners

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• People say being a waiter is a bad job but, hey, it puts food on the table.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I may be bad at telling jokes, but... I am amazing at clickbait.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I put a sticker of a cricket on our pontoon top. I call him Bimini Cricket

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• How did the doctor cure the invisible man? He took him to the ICU

  Tags: one-liners

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• The doctor told his patient to stop using a Q-tip, but it went in one ear and out the other.

  Tags: one-liners, medical

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• I don't understand why Steve Ballmer spent so much money on the Clippers. He doesn't even have hair.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart ". Does that mean Iron Man is the most beautiful person on earth?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Have you heard about the corduroy pillows? They're making head lines.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

  Tags: one-liners

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• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Just paid $350 on a limo, but found out it didn't include a driver. All that money with nothing to chauffeur it

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't trust people with graph paper... They're always plotting something.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

  Tags: one-liners

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• why does the helicopter shave every day? He grows apache beard

  Tags: one-liners

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• George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman. He even used the name when he had a little grill.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What happened to the cat that ate a ball of wool? She had mittens!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why call someone when you can just decide where you and your friend want to meet by exchanging 76 text messages?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I tried to escape the Apple store. I couldn't because there were no Windows.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Why are Astronauts always so calm? There's no pressure in space.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why don't Malaysian TV shows get commissioned? Because they all have terrible pilots.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the one type of person that will never get angry? A nomad.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I turned on the light to wake up my kids. My 2-year-old turned it off and went back to bed. She used to be the family alarm clock. Now she's the snooze button.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where do grains of wheat sleep? In a breadroom

  Tags: one-liners

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• What cereal does Spider-Man hate the most? Mystery O's

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Comic Sans walks into a bar. The bartender says "Get out - We don't serve your type".

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My parents never let me listen to classical or jazz music growing up. Too much sax and violins.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• We thought it was our ability to love that made us human, but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A TRUCK.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Windows95...the best $159 Solitaire game you can buy.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five minutes more.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics... But graphing is where I draw the line!

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Have you heard about the street performer who did his act in the middle of a hurricane? It was mime-blowing

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was confident I could win the duel until my opponent swung his sword at my ankles. Alas, I was de-feeted.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.

  Tags: one-liners, medical

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• Where do sharks go on summer vacation? Finland!

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• When do people start using their trampoline? Spring-Time.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the most dangerous thing in your freezer? Ice is.

  Tags: one-liners

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• This is why I don't tell Math jokes. The average maths joke is pretty mean

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm looking to sell my Delorean. Good shape, low mileage... Only driven from time to time.

  Tags: one-liners

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• According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.

  Tags: one-liners

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• No matter how much you push the envelope. It’ll still be stationery.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail, but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM. Confused, I asked him what he was doing... He said: “Just checking my balance.”

  Tags: one-liners

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• I saw a lizard. and it became a spotted lizard

  Tags: one-liners

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• I know several jokes in sign language. I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.

  Tags: one-liners

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• As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office. I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What’s the key to a good mailman joke? The delivery.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: What's a space pirate's favorite planet? A: mArrrs!

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• What state has the smallest soft drinks? Minisoda

  Tags: one-liners

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