Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• 4 Norse god, 1 Roman god, and 2 astronomical bodies walk into a bar. The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"

  Tags: one-liners

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• The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.

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• Whenever I get on my roof to clean the gutters, I always slip and fall. Every shingle time.

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• Throwing out perfectly good clocks. Is a waste of time.

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• Officer, if you are what you eat... Then I'm an innocent man.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I asked Siri why I was still single. She turned on the front camera

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• When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

  Tags: misc

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• Hey girl, are you my Physics examination paper? Because I can stare at you for 3 hours and not understand a single thing

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

  Tags: puns

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• Diplomacy: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

  Tags: misc

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• Why aren't there any ducks in Portugal? They're all Portugeese

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• Two wrongs do not make a right, but three rights make a left.

  Tags: puns

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• I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes. But thats Heinz sight.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does a redneck Buddhist believe in? Reintarnation.

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• I went to a dance recital in Asia. The koreagraphy was amazing

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• I need a new bank account. This one has run out of money.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• The other day I held the door for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

  Tags: one-liners

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• 'Do Not Touch' Must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille

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• I can hear music coming out of my printer... I think the papers jammin' again

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• A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I said, "That's the last thing I need."

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• I asked the bus driver "How long will the next bus be?" He replied "Same length as this one."

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• Why is antarctica the smartest continent? Because only scientist live there

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• Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.

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• If I don’t perfect Human Cloning I won’t be able to live with myself

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• Why don't you do arithmetic in the jungle? Because if you add 4 + 4 you get ate!

  Tags: one-liners, animal, food

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• Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder!

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• Electricity is dangerous. Shocking, ain't it?

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• What does a mathematician say when something goes wrong? Figures!

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Why is Antarctica sad? cuz it's iceolated....

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• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

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• Time may fly, but does it have wings?

  Tags: puns

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• What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing? and delivery

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• I bought a stunning house in the Arctic recently. Gives me chills everytime I step into it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• If time is money are ATM's time machines?

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• What's the capital of Greece? About 5 euros.

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• i think the story of Noah's life was a bit boring. But it did have a nice arc

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• How many PETA members does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They can't change anything.

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• It's 364 days until christmas. And people already have their lights up!

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• I didn't want to believe my father was stealing from the transportation department. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

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• I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Why is it not good to play tennis in a court? Because you might get arrested.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• I miss my umbilical cord.. I grew attached to it.

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• By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• what kind of music sinks to the bottom of the ocean? Heavy rock

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• Why does a milking stool only have three legs? Because the cow has the udder.

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• Most people have a family tree, but I have a family cactus. Because mine is full of pricks.

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• What do you call an imaginary color? A pigment of your imagination.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Computers will never be completely "Idiot Proof" because Idiots continue to be so resourceful.

  Tags: computers

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• Why couldn't the skeleton cross the road?Because he didn't have the guts.

  Tags: misc

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• I am now on three dating sites because you can never get enough rejection.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A gymnast walks into a bar... She is then deducted five points.

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• What do you call a very small valentine? A valentiny.

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• I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane

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• My teenage daughter is really acting odd.. She can’t even

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• A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.

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• Eyelashes are supposed to prevent things from getting into your eyes but when I do have something in my eye it's always an eyelash. Eyeronic.

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• TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.

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• What did the math book say to the literature book? I envy you, you’re so full of stories and I’ll I’ve got is problems

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• Orion's Belt is a waist of space. Bad pun, I know. 3 stars at best.

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• The other day I was singing in the shower, and I got soap in my mouth. Guess what happened then? It became a soap opera.

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• As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

  Tags: animal

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• So this Limbo Champion walks into a bar... and was immediately disqualified.

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• Why are 490 Romans funny? Because XD

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• My friend, Ming, told me that I would look more professional if I stop wearing my funny bow tie. I responded, "But I am nothing without my comedic tie, Ming."

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• This sums up the 90s. 90+91+92+93+94+95+96+97+98+99 = 945

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why can't you take anything balloons say seriously? They're always full of hot air!

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• Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them? So when they dock they can Scandinavian.

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• What is the difference between a unicorn and a carrot? One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• A man went to the hospital with a sprained ankle. The doctor said, "Don't worry, you'll be walking in no time." He was. The doctor stole his car.

  Tags: medical

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• For 2020 my goal is to be less condescending to people. Condescending means to talk down to someone.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Rabbits don't know Addition or Subtraction but. they sure do know how to Multiply .

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• Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine? To stop his coffin.

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• I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn't answered a phone call since 2008.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• I'm here for whatever you need me to do from the couch.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Bullets are so weird. They only do their job AFTER they’re fired

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• Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.

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• Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch. Ouch

  Tags: one-liners

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• The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.

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• When I noticed "HI" in the alphabet, I thought someone was actually going to be my friend. Then I saw the next two letters...

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• Jimmy, your composition "My Dog" is the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? No, sir. It's the same dog.

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• Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable? Because it's all heart.

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• Vacation begins when dad says. "I know a shortcut"!

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• Why are ships' portholes round? So that if they break, water doesn't hit you square in the face.

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• I had a dream last night that I had a Magnesium deficiency.. I was like 0Mg

  Tags: one-liners

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• Someone told me they didn't like calculus. I told them their opinion would change over time.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does "IDK" mean? I keep asking people, but they don't know either.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today. It's my thirty-second birthday.

  Tags: one-liners

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• In a place without geometry life is pointless.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?

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• Did you hear? Sting was kidnapped! The Police still have no lead.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Subway is definitely the healthiest fast food available because they make you get out of the car.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is an extreme sport? Doing you homework, while the teacher is collecting it.

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• “Yoda, are you sure we are going in the right direction?”. Yoda: Off course we are.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Don't drink and drive, you'll spill your beer.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You might be a redneck if you have to haul a paint can to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.

  Tags: misc

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• Can You Understand Binary?

  There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who can do binary and those who can't.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him. But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Police just knocked on my door and said my dog is chasing a kid on his bike. What a liar, my dog doesn't even have a bike.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Do doughnut shops need security systems?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you name a tricky pig? Cunningham

  Tags: one-liners

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• Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it. Guess I really am. independent

  Tags: one-liners

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• When your kids are little you're a superhero. When they're teens you're a super villain. After that, your only power is invisibility.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Time Flies Like an Arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Our conscience is clear- we don't use it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The bartender says, “Go home. We don’t serve faster-than-light-particles here.”. A tachyon walks into a bar.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What should happen to the person who invented Knock Knock jokes? They should get a No-Bell prize. :)

  Tags: one-liners

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• I dig, she dig, we dig, he dig, they dig, you dig .. It's not a beautiful poem but it's really deep.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If H2O is water, and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide, what is H2O4? Drinking, bathing, watering etc etc.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I set out to lose 10 pounds this month... Only 15 more to go

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• My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther. He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My mom kicked me out the house for tickling my little brothers feet. I knew I should’ve waited until he was born

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• What sound does a 747 make when it bounces? boeing boeing boeing

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• I recently submitted my resume to Sony. But they canceled the interview

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• My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discovered fire.

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• I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A Cable repairman was on my street today and he asked me what time it was. I replied "It is between 1 and 8 pm."

  Tags: one-liners

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• How does a cup steal from you? He mugs you.

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• Why do traffic lights turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!

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• Why did the console gamer cross the road? To render the other side

  Tags: one-liners

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• Calculus has a steep learning curve... But at least you know exactly how steep the learning curve is!

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• How do you call a cow with no legs? You don't, because cows don't have phones.

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• Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.

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• Wanna hear a joke about the ozone layer? [depleted]

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

  Tags: misc

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• How does a Flat Earther travel the world? on a plane

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• If you aren't impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole. you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation

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• How do you explain counterclockwise to a kid who grew up with a digital watch?

  Tags: misc

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• Danger is my middle name. but Safety first.

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• Why did Thor lose his lightning powers? Because his father grounded him.

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• My life has been all downhill ever since that one day when I emerged from my mother's womb.

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• If I had a nickel for every bread pun. I'd have a pun-per-nickel.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• My neighbor is loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why doesn't the glue inside the bottle dry?

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• Engineers have successfully made a car that can run on parsley. They are now attempting to make trains that can run on thyme...

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• Always remember that you are unique, just like everybody else!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.

  Tags: misc

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• Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realized he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I wanted to learn how to make ice cream, so I started attending sundae school.

  Tags: puns

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• Did you hear of the man with the same first and last name? It was a Nguyen, Nguyen situation.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Doing yoga got me out of the habit of biting my fingernails. Now I bite my toenails.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• At 23:59 31.12.2015 I raised my left foot off the ground. Just to be sure I start 2016 on the right foot

  Tags: one-liners

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• I miss my old zoology teacher: Mrs. Turtle. Unusual name for a teacher, but she tortoise well.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I thought I was just really tired but it's been 5 years so I guess this is how I look now.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I am so single once I tried to change my Facebook status from single to relationship, captcha pops on my screen Facebook thought I may be a robot.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• How is a thrown dictionary similar to birds flying south for winter? They’re both flying information.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Do you know why I don't eat at Chili's or Applebee's? Because i'm old enough to microwave my own food...

  Tags: one-liners

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• I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once. It’s a four loaf cleaver

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Why can't pigs tell a joke? Because they're such a bore.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• My grandpa always says, “When one door closes, another opens.”. He was a good man, but a lousy cabinet maker.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the lead singer of Queen say when he saw his shadow? "I see a little silhouetto of a man!"

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• Just trying to give my kids a few childhood memories they don't have to repress...

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• I used to have a job crushing cans in a soft drink factory all day. It was soda pressing.

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• If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN... They become VERY ANGRY.

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• Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.

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• I'm not usually too good at jokes but um... Tiss

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• My friend and I signed up to win a lifetime supply of skin lotion. He won and I didn't. The worst part is that he keeps rubbing it in.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How Can You Tell If a Man's a Redneck?

  If he concentrates on the bottle because it says, "from concentrate!"

  Tags: misc

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• I'll be doing a book signing today at Barnes & Noble from 2pm until they kick me out for writing in random books.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Apparently I snore so loudly that. I scare everyone in the car I'm driving.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where do hockey players go to get another uniform? New Jersey

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Where can you still get gas for $1.39? Taco Bell

  Tags: one-liners

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• My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I work out almost every day. Friday I almost worked out, Saturday I almost worked out, Sunday I almost worked out...

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• The problem with keeping an open mind is that all my ideas tend to fall out.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I play in the low 80's. If it is hotter than that, I won't play.

  Tags: sports

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• Want to hear a word I made up? Plagiarism

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did Yoda say when he watched Star Wars on Blu-Ray? HDMI

  Tags: one-liners

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• Recursion

  To understand recursion, you must first understand recursion.

  Tags: tech, one-liner

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• A boy asked his dad for 10$ of bitcoin. "$9.57? Why do you need $11.48?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Miley Cyrus is a strictly american phenomenon... most everywhere else in the world, she'd be Kilometery Cyrus

  Tags: one-liners

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• I used to be ugly, but then I bought an acoustic guitar. Now I'm ugly and annoying

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• Where did Captain Hook buy his hook at? The second hand store.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig? Ones a heated yam, and the other’s a yeeted ham.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around? Holmeless.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If everyone was like you the human race would lose faith in the world.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why does leather armor make you better at sneaking? Because it's made of hide.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?

  Tags: misc

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• All this 'Frozen' merchandise is just getting ridiculous. I was at the supermarket earlier and they've now got a whole bloody aisle just for Frozen stuff.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What materials do fruits use for walkways? Pomegranate

  Tags: one-liners

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• I hate people who talk behind my back. They discussed me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• No matter what happens, there is always somebody who knew that it would.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I forgot my coffee this morning so I'm gonna drive on the rumble strips along the side of the road all the way to work just to be safe.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

  Tags: crazy-jokes

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• Teacher: "Are you sleeping in my class?" Student: "Well now I´m not but if you could be a little quieter I could."

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st, be sure to lift your left leg. That way, you'll start the New Year on the right foot.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the correct way to pronounce nihilism? Doesn't matter.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You know what would be a hilarious prank? Make people study for 18 years and dont give them a job.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment. This is my time to shine.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Signwriters have their work cut out, don't they?

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• If atheism was a business, what kind of business would it be? A Non-Prophet organization.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I love throwing house warming parties. But for some reason the police keep calling it 'Arson'.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Nobody knows, the never get to keep the house.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I made voodoo dolls of my dogs just so I could still rub their bellies while I'm at work.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, at-work

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• Why can't proctologists get out of debt? They're always in arrears.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• If what you don't know can't hurt you, you're invulnerable.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My uneducated neigbor was planning to grow a flowerbed in his backyard. But then he realised he can't plant flowers as he hadn't botany

  Tags: one-liners

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• Teacher: Why are you doing your multiplication on the floor? Student: You told me not to use tables.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you're forgetting.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a fish with no eye? FSH

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the walrus feel bad about himself? Because he was untuskworthy.

  Tags: one-liners

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• what do you call a sick Eagle? -An illEagle-

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the scientist said after mixing oxygen and magnesium? O Mg

  Tags: one-liners

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• Password looks at itself in the mirror: "Don't listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password."

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two tired.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I'm going home for the hollandaise.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm starting to think cyber security is at the same level as mall security

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Why do british people pronounce it as bri'ish? They drank the T

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why wasn't the vampire working? He was on his coffin break.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sometimes when I feel lonely I buy some stocks. Its nice to have a bit of company

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two criminals stole a calendar. They got six months each

  Tags: one-liners

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• A bank is a place that will lend you money. if you can prove that you don’t need it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the dog say when he rubbed sandpaper on his tail? Rough, rough!

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl. Then she noticed me so we went for a run.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If there were a cord that insulted people... It would be called a discord

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's a pirate's favorite letter? Ye'd think it was R, but his first love be the C.

  Tags: one-liners

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• People get impressed when I tell them my home is designed by a famous Italian. Until I invite them home and they realize I live in a Fiat.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is Jon Snow so ticklish? Aunts in his pants...

  Tags: one-liners

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• You stare at frozen juice cans because they say, "concentrate".

  Tags: one-liners

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• My GF said she's leaving me because of my obsession with TV Dramas. But will she really leave me?... Find out next week!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the explorer say when he spotted Antarctica? I see land.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How can you differentiate male ants from female ants? They're all female, otherwise they'd be called uncles

  Tags: one-liners

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• They should stock ATM's better. I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call 2 broadway shows going out for dinner? Play date.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you were a triangle youd be acute one.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I froze myself to -273.1°C. ..my friends and family are worried, but I'll be 0K

  Tags: one-liners

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• A friend told me that all apples were yellow... I was like, "that's bananas"

  Tags: one-liners

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• A Three legged dog walks into the old wild west saloon. He says to the bartender, "I'm lookin' fer the guy who shot my paw."

  Tags: one-liners

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• I know a mathematician who can't afford lunch. He can binomial.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Fathers Day is just like Mothers Day, only you don't spend as much.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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