I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.
Tags: one-liners
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I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat packs a punch in your pants? Boxers.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkPolice just knocked on my door and said my dog is chasing a kid on his bike. What a liar, my dog doesn't even have a bike.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did everyone do after the Super Bowl was over? Watch the second half.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMet a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home. I guess he's homeless.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIt may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDid you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters? He cleaned out every crook and nanny.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHer: Let's exchange numbers. Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?
Tags: one-liners, math
PermalinkScientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish. The results speak for themselves.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkFor all you non-native English speakers out there... "Read" is pronounced like "lead", while "read" is pronounced like "lead".
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkShe was only a whisky maker's daughter, but he loved her still.
Tags: puns
PermalinkI got a prison tattoo of mitochondria. Now I truly am the powerhouse of the cell
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
Tags: misc
PermalinkI refused to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy doctor said I need to cut back my sodium intake but I tend to take everything he says with a grain of salt.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe can was invented quite a while before the can opener.
Tags: misc
PermalinkI have the best debts in the world! Every single one of them is Outstanding!
Tags: one-liners, money
PermalinkWho is the worst spy in history? James Bond. Because everyone knows him.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe word 'function' should never function as a verb.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkRecently, Today Tonight have held a survey. The results indicate that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.
Tags: at-work
PermalinkDiplomacy: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
Tags: misc
PermalinkToday I thought of a color that doesn't exist... but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy is a convent's percussion section so confusing? It's a co-nun-drum
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat does a guy with 2 right feet wear to the beach? Flop-Flops
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's the difference between Americans and yogurt? If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it'll grow a culture
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkNot all math puns are bad. Just sum
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy are vegetarians never involved in Any drama? They can’t stand beef
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy 4 year old niece's unintentional dirty joke. Why did the fan blow itself? Because it was turned on!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf I had a nickel for every time I thought of you. I'd start thinking about you.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy couldn't the rocket have a second launch date? It had thrust issues
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did the mermaid forget to bring to math class? Her algae bra
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Tags: puns
PermalinkI just gave my cat some 7UP. Now he's got 16 lives.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you buy an Archer that likes flowers? A rose
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkBreaking News: A movie theatre has just been robbed of over two thousand dollars. The theives took a large soda and two bags of popcorn
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat type of pasta is best eaten on its own? Ravi-lonely.
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkDid you know you can actually eat lava? Only once though.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call someone who steals a glacier? An iceberglar
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did the whale say to the dolphin when he pushed him? I didn't do it on porpoise!
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhy did Jiminy Cricket hide in a seashell? He was hoping to be somebody's Conch-ience.
Tags: one-liners, sports
PermalinkMy friend tries to impress girls by drawing realistic pictures of a Ford F-150. He’s ....a pickup artist.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy was the cheetah so bad at hide and seek ? No matter where she hid, she was always spotted.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkI found a way to make a horse stand perfectly still. Place a bet on him.
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat is Canada’s national board game? Sorry
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAfter all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHey, are you -273.15°C? Yeah, I'm 0K thanks.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA lion and a cheetah had a race. The lion said you are a "cheetah" and the cheetah said you are "lion."
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkA chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Tags: one-liners
Permalinkhow do you get from sweden to russia? you cross the finnish line
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA fortune teller escaped from prison and became a small medium at large.
Tags: puns
PermalinkAlcohol is not always the answer but it’s worth a shot.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf you replace your morning coffee with green tea ..... You can lose up to 87% of what little joy you have left in your life.
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkWhat do you call a race over lava? A heated competition
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAs a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy did the tree install solar panels? It wanted to be a power plant.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat happens when you mix human DNA with goat DNA? You get kicked out of the petting zoo.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI'm such a bad golfer, they should send me to Mars. I'm guaranteed to find water.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did copper say to lawrencium? Cu later.
Tags: one-liners, science
PermalinkIf Mac users care more about the environment more than Windows users. Then why do Macs have a trash can and Windows has a recycling bin?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkJust been chatting to my neighbour's teenage daughter and it turns out she's really into UFOs and aliens. Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIt may be illegal to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say? I'm a whisk taker
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkCustomer: "I'm running Windows '95."Tech Support: "Yes."Customer: "My computer isn't working now."Tech Support: "Yes, you said that."
Tags: computers
PermalinkConfidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Tags: one-liners
Permalinkwhy does the helicopter shave every day? He grows apache beard
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA Sheep, a Drum, and a Snake fall off a cliff. Baa-Dumm-Tsss
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper. I think he must be plotting something.
Tags: one-liners, math
PermalinkHow did Darth Vader know what Obi-Wan Kenobi was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents...
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy son asked me, “Dad, can I eat the last piece of cake in the fridge?” I smiled and said, “Sure..." "But the dining room would probably be more comfortable.”
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy can't a Samsung be disguised as an iPhone? Because eventually, its cover would be blown.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIn winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkEvery time I’m having a microwave meal, I turn on the movie “The Golden Eye”. The instructions say —Pierce film before cooking.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat kind of prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year? A trophy.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy is Antarctica the least corrupt continent? Because it has justice
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI went to the Atlanta Falcons locker room to get some change for a dollar... But they only gave me 3 quarters.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhere is the best dentist for walruses? Tuscaloosa
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat is Samsung CEO's favorite movie? Total recall
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI went by the house I grew up in and asked if I can take a look around, but they said "no" and slammed the door on me. My parents can be real jerks sometimes.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat does idk stand for? Literally everyone I ask doesn't know.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a person without a son? per
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSome bloke just told me he was gonna smack me with the neck of his guitar.... I said, is that a fret?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat kind of organization is Atheism? Non-prophet.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI should clean mirrors for a living. It's a profession I see myself in.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAs I stared into the refrigerator I realized I was finally using my philosophy degree. "Why am I here?"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhen I awoke from the accident and they told me my fingers were broken... it was hard to grasp.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf I Cuold Time Travel. I would fix the title.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA physics joke. How many general-relativity theocratists does it take to change a light bulb? - Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate space.
Tags: one-liners, science
PermalinkWhy did the Stormtrooper buy an iPhone? Because he couldn't find the Droid he was looking for.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's the stupidest animal in the jungle? The Polar bear.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday. it was a risk I was willing to take
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow many Dyslexics does it take to change a Lit Blub?
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhy should you have only one egg for breakfast? Because un oeuf is enough!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf you are inventing something, the best way for it to work is to give it a job.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA zen student asked his master: “Is it okay to use email?”. “Yes”, replied the master, “but with no attachments.”
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkChildren are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
Tags: children
PermalinkArnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10. He replied, "I still love Vista, baby".
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI keep telling people gullible isn't in the dictionary. Don't believe me look it up
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy shouldn't you enter into a contract with Wolverine? Because of his retractable clause.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIt takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown - and fewer still to ignore someone completely.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI wonder who came up with the company People's Gas and where was their Pepto-Bismal?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI was nervous about meeting new people on a cruise until I realised, we are all in the same boat.
Tags: one-liners
Permalinkalarm clock, n. a device for waking up people who don't have small children
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat do you call an excited fireplace? Stoked.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy did the elephant call the locksmith? Because he lost his keys in his trunk!
Tags: animal
PermalinkHow do you spell candy with two letters? C and Y
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkOk Umm Uhh, Ahhh! Oh well, I just forgot what I was gonna say. Man I'm stupid
Tags: misc
PermalinkAccept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's the fastest liquid on earth? Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkPeriod- The thing at the end of a sentence.
Tags: misc
PermalinkPeter Mayhew will be reprising his role as Chewbacca in the next Star Wars movie! They said they wanted to cast the role to a veteran rather than a wookiee.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I'm going home for the hollandaise.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI can't believe that viruses and bacteria would just invade my body without a permission. That makes me sick
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI watched hockey before it was cool. They basically were swimming.
Tags: one-liners, sports
PermalinkI don't mind my geometry teacher asking me to draw a circle. But to then ask me to turn that circle into two equal parts? That's where I draw the line.
Tags: one-liners, math
PermalinkHomework... something you go to school hours for and not do.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy friend wanted to feel like a princess on her wedding day. So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a French alliance.
Tags: one-liners
Permalinkwhat kind of music sinks to the bottom of the ocean? Heavy rock
Tags: one-liners, music
PermalinkWhat kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIn the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo. All the other paintball players started freaking out though.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink99.9% of people are idiots. Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWar not determine who right, war determine who left.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHuman drinks a Vampire's blood. Out of curiosity, the Vampire asks what it tastes like. "It's irony."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI came out to my parents this week, I said I wanted to become a mechanic. I've already started transmissioning...
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy hasn't Peru adopted LED lights yet? Because they are proud of their incan descent.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once. It’s a four loaf cleaver
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkI was writing a joke about a stone rolling up a hill, but it lost momentum. It still has potential.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI beat a black belt at karate. My next challenger is a green sock.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow did Pinocchio discover he was made of wood? His hand caught on fire
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDo Roman paramedics refer to an IV as a four?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy did the Calculus Teacher take the student's calculator away? He was viewing graphic material
Tags: one-liners, math
PermalinkTwo sausages were in a pan.One sausage turns to the other and says, "Man, Its getting hot in here."The other sausage screams and says, "AH! A talking sausage!!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkI drive way too fast to worry about my cholesterol.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDoctor doctor! I keep thinking I'm invisible! WHO SAID THAT?!?!?
Tags: medical
PermalinkThis joke's so old, it has mold on it! HA HA HA!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSinging in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHey lady, are you my appendix? Cause I don't know what you do, but I got this feeling inside me that says I need to take you out
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy tennis career has taught me that I can be the best basketball player ever. Nothing but net
Tags: one-liners, sports
PermalinkHow do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? Look for the fresh prints.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call bread from India? It's Naan of your business.
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkA local movie theatre was robbed of $600 worth of merchandise. The suspects stole 3 medium popcorns, 1 bag of skittles and 4 small diet cokes.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI gave my kid a harmonica for Christmas. And unfortunately he loves it.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkOne day I was standing in the park wondering how frisbees get bigger when they get closer. Then it hit me.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI don't trust people who can draw... They all seem kinda sketchy.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy is leather armor best for sneaking? It's literally made of hide.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI used to own a racing snail... It never won though. To improve its performance I removed its shell but, if anything, it made it more sluggish
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf Stranger Things was British it’d be called. Bit Odd Innit?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb? Who wants to know?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb? Well it depends on what you mean by change.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI went to a zoo and there was a baguette in a cage. The keeper said it was bread in captivity.
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkWhat do you call a super hero completely made of ice? Justice
Tags: one-liners
Permalink-40° outside sounds brutally cold, Fahrenheit or Celsius. My friend Kelvin just rolled his eyes.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe best way to accelerate Windows is through one.
Tags: tech
PermalinkLongest Drum Solo. The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 25 minutes and it was performed by a child sitting behind me on a flight from LA to Tokyo.
Tags: one-liners, music
PermalinkBack in my day we used to only have chalkboards. The new whiteboards they use are. Remarkable
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.
Tags: one-liners, math
PermalinkDo bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI used to be addicted to soap.... I'm clean now.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA test-tube baby has a womb with a view.
Tags: puns
PermalinkI got fired from my job at the cemetery yesterday... I made a grave mistake.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkEgyptian alcoholics are the hardest to talk to..... They are always in denial.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI come from a family of failed magicians. I have 2 half sisters
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy do bakeries in Denmark add so much sugar to their pastries? If they didn't, they would be sweetish.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI didn't want to believe my father was stealing from the transportation department. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDating is a lot like fishing. Sure, there's plenty of fish in the sea. But until i catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy does Karl Marx hate earl grey? Because all proper tea is theft.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy parents always tell me that their world doesn't revolve around me. I guess that means that I'm not actually their sun :(
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe only thing Flat-Earthers fear. Is sphere itself.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow many country singers does it take to change a light bulb? 2. One to change it and one to sing about how much they miss the old one.
Tags: one-liners, music
PermalinkWhy are the developers of NoMansSky called Hellogames? Because you never get a goodbuy from them
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat is the most influential culture in the world? Agriculture.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy horse was way more aggressive than usual today. it threw me off
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI think pennies are made of copper and zinc. But that’s just my two cents
Tags: one-liners, science
PermalinkThieves broke into my shop and stole 15 cases of Red Bull. I don't know how these people sleep at night
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDid you know that 61.8 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy mum tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she'd just ironed. It may sound far-fetched but it's true. I watched it all unfold.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do you tell the difference between an electrician and an electrical engineer? Ask them to pronounce the word, "unionized".
Tags: one-liners
Permalinkrudeness - someone who keeps talking while your are trying to interrupt.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 Shades of Grey... For example, the one where she gets a job right out of college.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It only took me six months, which is amazing considering the box says 2-4 years.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI gave up Thai boxing because I felt the Thais were getting fed up being put in boxes.
Tags: puns
Permalinka graphic designer, an astrophysicist, a dentist and an electrician walk into a bar. it was queen and they were playing their first gig
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTwo buzzards were eating a dead clown. One said to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhy do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTwo white horses fell in the mud and three came out.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a cable that connects you directly to the heavens? An aethernet cable
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy didn't anyone want the free phone cables? Because they were free of charge!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhen putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat do British nuclear engineers eat? Fission chips.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat is the difference between Will Smith and Scotland ? Independence Day
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI got a dog from the blacksmiths the other day... As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do we look at a calendar to find what date it is, when we don't know the date?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWatchmakers. Do you think watchmakers ever take a day off to unwind?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI don’t understand why my credit score is so low. Every time collectors call, they say my payments have been outstanding.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a broken square? A REKTangle
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy daughters boyfriend still doesn't know how to tie his shoes... Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a witch that only eats sand? Malnourished
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI saw my neighbour going outside again and again to check his mailbox. When I asked why is he doing that, he replied - My computer says I have got mail.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI'm so much in debt, I can't afford to pay my electric bill... These are the darkest days of my life...
Tags: one-liners, money
PermalinkI recently submitted my resume to Sony. But they canceled the interview
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkYou can lose weight by putting sliced bread on your head. It's a loaf-hat-diet.
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkBack when I played hockey, they used to call me "the Titanic." I looked pretty good until I hit the ice.
Tags: one-liners, sports
PermalinkI saw on Wikipedia that dolphins can bake bread! [cetacean kneaded]
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkIf corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?
Tags: crazy-jokes
PermalinkWhat do you call a wandering caveman? A Meanderthal.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a Communist sniper? A Marxman.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI saw a rainbow flag covered in seaweed. AlgaeBTQ
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkEbay needs to step their game up. I searched for a cigarette lighter and 15,000 matches came up.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink'Do Not Touch' Must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI used to steal comedians' jokes and not credit them. I still do, but I used to, too.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSomebody actually complimented me on my parking today. They left a note on the windscreen. It said, "Parking fine", so that was nice.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?
Tags: heaven-and-hell
PermalinkI believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf someone says, "A penny for your thoughts,", and you give them your two cents worth, what happens to the other penny?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you... You have my word
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy bank has a new feature where they'll text you your bank balance. I think it's pretty cool. I just don't think they should end the text with "LOL", though.
Tags: one-liners, money
PermalinkI told my boss 3 companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my present job. He asked which 3 were interested. I said the gas, electric and cable.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI just fired my sioux chef because I found out he lied on his resume. Turns out he's navajo.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHumor can be dissected, as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy does France have so many rivers? Water follows the path of least resistance.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkBefore the surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle... It was an ether/oar situation.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI went on a job interview, Interviewer asks, Do you have any experience? Me: Yes, of course, "This is my 20th interview"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkGive a man a fish and feed him for a day. Give a man a poison fish and feed him for the rest of his life.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf nobody is perfect, and I'm a nobody, am I perfect?
Tags: deep-thoughts
PermalinkI've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts. Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy doesn't Michael Jackson drink coffee? Because he prefers "Tea-hee!"
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkLove is a lot like algebra... You look at your X and try to figure out Y.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHey! Football team! Get off the band field!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI'm positive I lost an electron better keep an ion that.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI like my anxiety like I like my distancing: Social, behind a mask, and away from people.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDid you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?
Tags: misc
PermalinkHave you heard my unemployment joke? Yeah, it needs a little work.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do detained criminals contact their families? They face time
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSomeone keyed the music teacher’s car. Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor
Tags: one-liners, music
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