terasurfer — a terabyte of jokes

Jokes

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Why do psychics ask so many questions when they supposedly already know the answers?
Tags: one-liners
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A stockbroker is beginning his jail sentence for fraud, and meets his cell-mate for next seven years. He stares in shock at the weirdo next to him, when the psycopath says, "Don't worry, I'm in here for a white-collar crime as well." The stockbroker is very relieved, and asks what crime the man had committed. The wild-haired, unkempt freak replies, "I killed a priest!"
Tags: misc
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Texan: "Where are you from?" Harvard graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions." Texan: "OK, where are you from, Jackass?"
Tags: college
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The Sergeant-Major growled at the young soldier: I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning. Thank you very much, sir.
Tags: classic, general
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Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb? A: one.
Tags: light-bulbs
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Why do snakes always lose in court? Answer: They don't have a leg to stand on!
Tags: one-liners
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"For Gods sakes Bill! Help her find it!." ~Hillary after walking in with Monica on her hands and knees in front of Bill
Tags: one-liners
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Knock knock? Who's there? Oswald. Oswald who? Oswald(I swallowed) my gum!
Tags: knock-knock
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Why couldn't the Human Torch get married? He couldn't find his Match!
Tags: one-liners
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The best way to accelerate Windows is through one.
Tags: tech
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What's the difference between a teacher and a train? A train goes "chew, chew, chew," and a teacher says, "Spit that gum out!"
Tags: misc
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There's this guy he goes to see the doctor and says, "Doctor, Doctor, I have a terrible problem. I have a strawberry stuck up my bottom." The doctor says, "It's ok, I'll give you some cream to put on it."
Tags: medical
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My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can.
Tags: one-liners
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I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I ever saw
Tags: classic, general
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Quasimodo goes to his Parisian Cathedral doctor for his annual checkup."I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says."Why do you say that?" asks Quasimodo."I don't know," the doctor replies. "It's just a hunch."
Tags: misc
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A panda walks into a bar and eats lunch. When he is finished he shoots the waiter and leaves. The owner ran after the panda and asked him why he did such and thing. The panda replied, "Look up the word 'panda' in the dictionary." The owner did so and it read, "Panadas are black and white animals. They eat shoots and leaves."
Tags: animal
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Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back!
Tags: sports
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Good friends are the ones who will bail you out of jail. But... TRUE friends are the ones who wil be sitting next to you in prison and say, "You know, we sure messed up there, buddy!"
Tags: misc
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Q: Why do they have trees in Paris? A: So the Germans can march in the shade instead of the sun.
Tags: misc
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Q: What does Tiger woods have better than Princess Diana?A: A driver
Tags: misc
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If you are in darkness, then pray to God. If you are still in darkness, then go and pay your electricity bill......
Tags: one-liners
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"There is only one pretty child in the world and every parent has it." - Chinese Proverb. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes. The best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day.
Tags: children
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On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.
Tags: puns
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Why isn't there a tax on stuff I DON'T like?
Tags: one-liners
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A dad to his son: If someone calls for me, tell him that I'm out. The son: And if he doesn't call?
Tags: children
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Do you think god gets stoned? I do. Look at the platypus! -Robin Williams
Tags: one-liners
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"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. You know, the one with only seven commandments." - David Letterman
Tags: misc
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A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy." His friend replies, "How's that?" "It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."
Tags: at-work
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Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
Tags: one-liners
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When the media askes George Bush a question about the war he says, "Uhh, Can I use a life line?"
Tags: misc
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How do you make one disappear? Add the letter g, to make it GONE!
Tags: misc
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Q: How many Clowns does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Paid Clowns - 5 Boys in school - 1000
Tags: light-bulbs
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Why is boxing a sport? If I beat someone up in an alley and someone sees it, I get arrested. If I beat someone up in an arena where thousands see it happen, I get cheered. I've done both. I like the alley better though.
Tags: sports
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How Can One Person Make So Many Mistakes...
Teacher: Alfred, how can one person make so many mistakes in one day? Alfred: I get up early.
Tags: children
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My computer is so old, it has a VHS slot instead of a CD/DVD slot!!!
Tags: one-liners
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Here is a fragment of a crossword puzzle. Note that this crossword puzzle contains abbreviations and acronyms. S O _ Clue: An insult related to a female animal. Answer: Sow.
Tags: misc
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Why did the chicken go across the field? Because the referee shouted "FOWL"!
Tags: animal
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Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Tags: one-liners
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Bob: How do you keep a turkey in suspense? Willie: I dunno. Bob: I'll tell you later...
Tags: one-liners
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What do you call a blind deer? No idea (no eye deer.) What do you call a blind deer with no legs? Still no idea! (not moving [still] no eye deer)
Tags: animal
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A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style."If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef.""Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."
Tags: women
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What is the world's sharpest thing? A fart! It goes through your pants without leaving a hole!
Tags: misc
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Eager to make full use of my new computer's capabilities, I asked a customer-service representative at my bank whether it offered on-line banking. "Certainly," she stated matter-of-factly, pointing to a crowd of people near the tellers. "The line starts over there."
Tags: tech
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There is a major difference between the way a dog thinks and the way a cat thinks. A dog says, "You feed me, shelter me, pamper me, and love me. You must be God." A cat says, "You feed me, shelter me, pamper me, and love me. I must be God."
Tags: animal
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An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Tags: one-liners
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Did you hear about the crime in the parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.
Tags: classic, general
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All you see in the sports media nowadays is the fact that athletes are taking steriods and other performance enhanceing drugs to become stronger and faster. So instead of going out and buying a new car I put some steriods in the gas tank.... I wonder if I will get the same result?
Tags: sports
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How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow!
Tags: misc
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Teacher: John, where are the Great Plains? John: At the airport.
Tags: puns
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Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going "To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right..."
Tags: light-bulbs
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Hi, this is Johan advising you that you spend WAY too much time on the phone. GO OUTSIDE... See the world, LIVE a little... Have fun.
Tags: misc
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What do you call a a bunch of fish swimming in the sky?? A High School!!!
Tags: one-liners
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Q. What little girl takes from the rich and gives to the poor? A. Little Red Robbin' Hood!
Tags: misc
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Did you hear the one about the gay midget? He came out of the cupboard.
Tags: one-liners
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All things are possible - except skiing through a revolving door.
Tags: one-liners
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Real friends are those who, when you think you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job.
Tags: one-liners
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Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
Tags: misc
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Why did Dracula lie in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
Tags: classic, general
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Can You Decipher This Phrase? R R A Y Y X-ray!
Tags: misc
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Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's not funny!!!
Tags: light-bulbs
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Ben never saw action on his high school football team. One day, the assistant coach gave him a pep talk. "Remember, Ben," he told him, "everyone on this team has an important role. There is no 'I' in 'team'." "True," said the boy. "But there is a 'Ben' in 'bench'."
Tags: sports
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Where do cats go to find their tail? The retail store.
Tags: animal
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Q:Why did the blond stare at the orange juice box?A:Because it said "...Concentrate..."
Tags: misc
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According to statistics, last year over 17 million American families paid a lot of money for things that looked funny and didn't work. Seven million of these were antiques; the rest were college students.
Tags: money
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"So what's your dog's name?" "I don't know. He won't tell me."
Tags: one-liners
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"May I take your order?" the waiter asked. "Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
Tags: food-jokes
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Q: How many 'Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it.
Tags: light-bulbs
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Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
Tags: classic, general
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A 14-year old boy was helping his mom wash the dishes after dinner on a beautiful day. He says, "Mom, can I go outside? I want to play football." His mom says, "OK, but on one condition: you let your little brother play with you and your friends." The teenager replied with, "But mom, we already tried that. This time I want to play with a real football!"
Tags: sports
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What is it called when an insect kills themself? Pesticide!
Tags: animal
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Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change. A: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
Tags: light-bulbs
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Music student: We played the beatles last night! Gym student:who won?
Tags: children
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One time, when I was a kid, I forgot to do my homework, so I stole someone else's and turned it in. After class, the teacher pulled me over. She asked why I didn't turn in the homework. I said, guess I forgot to change the name on it!
Tags: children
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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Tags: misc
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Why am I stronger than Tarzan? Because I can beat on my chest without screaming.
Tags: one-liners
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Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
Tags: one-liners
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Earlier today, I took a glimpse at the news. They were doing a report on a new recipe for twinkies. Now they will taste healthier, but still have the same amount of calories, because of course, people can taste health.
Tags: misc
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A man went to the hospital with a sprained ankle. The doctor said, "Don't worry, you'll be walking in no time." He was. The doctor stole his car.
Tags: medical
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It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Tags: one-liners
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A wig factory was broken into last night and a large quantity of wigs was stolen. Police are combing the area.
Tags: puns
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Sing it, it sounds better: His baloney has a first name: It's "I did not inhale." His baloney has a second name: "I wasn't getting tail." He loves to sling it every day, The White House people all just say, That Billy Clinton has a way Of making bullsh*t sound OK!
Tags: misc
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Q: Where can you find a dog with no legs?A:Right where you left it.
Tags: animal
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I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered all over the world.
Tags: one-liners
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The Chinese say: Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.
Tags: one-liners
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Q: Why are cats similar to sentences? A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws; a sentence has pause at the end of its clause.
Tags: puns
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There once was an X from place B, That satisfied predicate P, He or she did thing A, In an adjective way, Resulting in circumstance C.
Tags: misc
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Q: What's the worst time to be a rat or a mouse? A: When it's raining cats and dogs!
Tags: animal
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too much to pay for corn ([a] buck an ear)
Tags: one-liners
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What do you call a pretty woman in Poland? A tourist
Tags: misc
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A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the family room. Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence. The girl looked at her dad and said, "It was Mom." "How do you know?" "She didn't say anything."
Tags: children
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What do you call a Spanish man with a rubber toe? Answer: Roberto.
Tags: puns
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Why did the programmer bring a ladder to work? They heard the code needed to be debugged from a higher level.
Tags: classic, programming
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When is it Michael Jackson's bed time? When the little hand meets the big hand.
Tags: one-liners
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Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.
Tags: one-liners
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What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence? Utter destruction.
Tags: animal
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An Engineering Major says "How does it work?" A Science Major says "Why does it work?" An Accounting Major says "How much will it cost?" A Liberal Arts Major says "Do you want fries with that?"
Tags: college
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I was talking to my sister's boyfriend one day and I asked him if prettyful was a word. He said, "Well, I use it a lot. Whenever I've just eaten and someone asks me if I'm hungry, I say 'I'm pretty full."
Tags: misc
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Why didn't the brakes want to work? Because it was time for their lunch break.
Tags: misc
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You don't have to go faster than the bear, you just have to go faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.
Tags: one-liners
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I bought a book called "How to Hug," and when I got it home, found it was volume 7 of an encyclopedia. I phoned the gym, and asked if they could teach me to do the splits. The girl asked if I was flexible, and I said I couldn't do Tuesdays.
Tags: one-liners
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Magazine Bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.
Tags: one-liners
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"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?" Little Johnny's father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right." "That's okay," replied Little Johnny "You could at least give it a try, couldn't you?"
Tags: children
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Little Johnny: "Hey, Daddy, Spot just ate Mom's apple pie that was on the counter to cool off!" Dad: "Don't worry, son. We'll get you a new dog."
Tags: children
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A girl's legs are her best friends, but the best of friends must part. -- Redd Foxx
Tags: one-liners
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What do you get when you cross an eagle with a jeep and a dog? A flying car-pet!
Tags: animal
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An actual headline: "Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers"
Tags: misc
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After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
Tags: one-liners
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These guidelines are not hard rules for submitting acceptable jokes, but they will help you submit a jokes that the most people will enjoy and rank highly, thus increasing your score.
Tags: misc
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My dad has always told me that putting in a little effort and dedication on the job never hurt anyone. Then again, he never heard of worker's comp.
Tags: one-liners
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I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Tags: puns
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what's hairy on the out side and wet and slimey on the inside it begins whith an c and ends in a t?? a cocanut
Tags: women
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The government has recently issued a statement saying that 18.9 percent of all statistics are false.
Tags: one-liners
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Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
Tags: classic, general
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This guy comes walking out of a store carrying a big grandfather's clock. A drunk man bumps into him and the guy drops the clock and smashes it all to hell. The guy says, "Why don't you watch where you're going?" and the drunk says, "Why don't you carry a wrist watch like everybody else?"
Tags: misc
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What do you call a dog in the sun? A Hot Dog!
Tags: animal
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No matter what happens, there is always somebody who knew that it would.
Tags: one-liners
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A man walks into a bar. He falls down, unconscious. Why is this? Because the man walked into a solid bar. A solid, metal bar!
Tags: bar
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Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock? Because it's a little meteor.
Tags: classic, general
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JUDGE: "The court can produce a dozen witnesses who saw you rob the bank." ROBBER: "Big deal! I can bring in hundreds of people who didn't see it!"
Tags: one-liners
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There are these kids at school, each bragging about how they ruined something in an amount of time. 1st kid: I wore out a pair of shoes in 1 month. 2nd kid: I wore out a pair of jeans in 1 week. 3rd kid: Oh that's nothing, I wore out my babysitter in 5 minutes!
Tags: children
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You might be a teacher if you have an overwhelming urge to nod and say, "Now I understand why your kid is the way he/she is," after meeting the parents.
Tags: one-liners
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Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Tags: animal
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If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?
Tags: one-liners
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A duck hunter, proud of his markmanship, took his son out one morning to witness his skill. After some time a lone duck flew by. "Watch this," whispered the dad, as he took aim and carefully fired. The duck flew serenely on. "My boy," said the hunter, "you are witnessing a great miracle. There flies a dead duck. "
Tags: misc
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Haven't I seen you on TV? Well yes I do appear off and on, how do you like me? Off.
Tags: misc
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We regret to inform you, but by opening this email, you have just received the 'Idiot Computer Virus'. Since our staff does not have any programming experience, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete all files from your hard drive immediately, then manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list. Thank You
Tags: tech
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Q: How long will it take for a field service engineer to change a light bulb? A: That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with them.
Tags: light-bulbs
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Two wrongs do not make a right, but three rights make a left.
Tags: puns
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Two men were sitting in a bar.One man turned to the other and said,"I slept with your mother!"The other man ignored him.A few moments later the man said, more forcefully this time, "I slept with your mother!!"The other turned to him and replied,"Go home Dad, you've had too much to drink."
Tags: men
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Join the Marines: Visit exotic places, meet interesting people and then kill them.
Tags: misc
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Men who walk in front of car get tired. Men who walk in back of car get exhausted.
Tags: one-liners
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What do you call a singing Laptop? A Dell
Tags: classic, general
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Why didn't the zombie cross the road? Because he didn't have the guts!
Tags: misc
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æ±¤å§æææäoï1⁄4æ æ3æä ̧åçè ̄3⁄4ãäoæ ̄å»æå®¤é»æ¿ä ̧åäoä ̧aéç¥ï1⁄4 Prof. Tom will not meet his classes this afternoon. æä ̧aè°ç®çå¦ççå°åï1⁄4æ3è·ææå1⁄4ä ̧aç©ç¬ï1⁄4æclassesåé¢çcæ¦ æäoã æ±¤å§ææä ̧åè· ̄è¿æå®¤æ¶åé¡oè· ̄è¿å»äoä ̧ä ̧ï1⁄4å¿ä ̧ä1⁄2ç¬äoï1⁄4éæå æ¦æäolã
Tags: misc
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Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Tags: one-liners
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A blonde and a brunette were walking down the basement stairs in the dark to find a wrench when the blonde screamed. "Something brushed against my rightr leg!!" "Oh My Gosh. Are you sure?" "Yea and it keeps doing it." she said as she ran around the basement. Then she stopped and thought for a second. "Hold up. That was just my left leg.
Tags: blonde-jokes
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This is what happen to a boy and his father: Son: dad i want to marry. Father: who do you want to marry? Son: your mother. Father: why do you want to marry my mother? Son: because you also marry my mother. :)
Tags: misc
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The first typewriter was called the "literary piano." Frogs can't swallow with their eyes open. A duck's quack doesn't echo. August has the highest percentage of births.
Tags: misc
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These are actual comments left on Forest Service comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:
Tags: misc
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Why did the elephant call the locksmith? Because he lost his keys in his trunk!
Tags: animal
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Politics comes from the root "poli-", which means many, and "-tics", which means, blood-sucking creatures.
Tags: one-liners
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Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six - One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.
Tags: light-bulbs
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How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern? You use a pumpkin patch.
Tags: classic, general
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Pilot: Pilot to tower. . . pilot to tower. . . I am 300 miles from land. . . 600 feet high and running out of gas. . . please instruct. . . over. Tower: Tower to pilot. . . tower to pilot. . . Repeat after me. . . "Our Father, which art in heaven. . . "
Tags: heaven-and-hell
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An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says "What is this - some kind of joke?"
Tags: bar
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Knock knock? Who's there? Howie. Howie who? Howie gonna figure this out?
Tags: knock-knock
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What is the name for a bandaid on a pumpkin? A pumpkin patch!
Tags: misc
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Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Tags: one-liners
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I tried for years to snap my thumb and finger together - and suddenly it clicked!
Tags: puns
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Knock Knock! Who's there? Kanga. Kanga who? No! Kangaroo!
Tags: knock-knock
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Attorney to witness: "And where was the location of the accident?" Witness: "Approximately milepost 499." Attorney: "And where is milepost 499?" Witness: "About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500."
Tags: misc
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Why did the penny jump off the cliff and not the quarter? Because the quarter had more cents!
Tags: one-liners
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Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
Tags: one-liners
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How many diagonals does an N-polygon have? N(N-3)/2.
Tags: tech
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What is red, black, has ten eyes, and crawls? I do not know but it is on your head.
Tags: animal
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"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?" the friend replied. "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"
Tags: misc
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Registered users win points for submitting and voting on jokes.
Tags: one-liners
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What did the cat say to the elephant? "......................meOW!"
Tags: one-liners
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Thngs Not To Say To A Cop #1
Hey, I saw you in Dunkin' donuts yesterday!! You're the one ordering triple chocolate, double vanilla, quadrupal cinnamon and double whip cream dounut filled with sprinkles.
Tags: misc
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A policeman pulls over a reckless driver along the road. Going up to the driver's window, he takes one look and notes, "Your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The driver looks up out of those bloodshot eyes and responds, "Your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating donuts?"
Tags: misc
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So there's this Wizard who worked in a factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following sign: "This parking space belongs to the Wizard. ... Violators will be toad."
Tags: puns
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"Mr. johns, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
Tags: men
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Knock-knock! Who's there? Toby. Toby who? Toby or not toby that is the question!
Tags: knock-knock
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A Guy Walks Into a Pet Shop...
A man walks into a pet store and asks for a German shepperd. The shopkeeper, replies that it will cost him $500. The man thinks for a minute, then asks how much a beware of dog sign costs. The shopkeeper calmly replies that it costs a whopping $1.98. The man thinks for a while longer, and asks for a beware of dog sign.
Tags: animal
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Your dad's bald spot is so big you could draw an H on it and call it a helicopter landing pad.
Tags: misc
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I couldn't fix your brakes, so instead I made your horn louder.
Tags: one-liners
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The plumber presented his customer, a lawyer, with a bill charging rates of $500 an hour. The lawyer was outraged, saying "I don't even make that kind of money - doesn't that seem a bit steep?" The plumber replied, "That's what I thought, when I was a lawyer."
Tags: money
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Knock knock? Who's there? Water. Water who? Water you doing?
Tags: knock-knock
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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Tags: misc
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Teacher: Alvin, how many letters are in the alphabet? Alvin: 18. Teacher: Wrong, there are 26. Alvin: No, teacher, there used to be 26, but ET went home in a UFO and the CIA went after him.
Tags: children
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How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They like to keep their clients in the dark!
Tags: light-bulbs
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A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"
Tags: animal
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Why did the blonde jumped off the bridge? Because she thought her maxi had wings!
Tags: blonde-jokes
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If at first you don't succeed...work for Microsoft.
Tags: one-liners
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What's the new name for the place where Bill Clinton does his business? The Oral Office.
Tags: puns
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What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
Tags: classic, general
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Q> What kind of soup do gay Chinese men like? A> Cream of sum yun guy
Tags: misc
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A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office covered only in Saran Wrap. He says to the doctor, "I've felt so weird lately, Doc, can you tell me what's wrong?" The doctor replied, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts!"
Tags: misc
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Going home on the bus one evening a man was whiling away the time by doing a crossword. Three more men got on the bus at the next stop, and as they passed, one said, "If it's any help to you, 7 Up is lemonade."
Tags: puns
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Q:How many egotists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A:Just one. He holds up the lightbulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.
Tags: light-bulbs
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The road by my house was in bad condition. Every day, I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning. Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. Where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words, "Rough Road."
Tags: misc
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A murderer was secured to the electric chair, about to be executed. The chaplain approached him and asked, "Do you have any last requests?" "Yes," replied the murderer. "Would you hold my hand?"
Tags: misc
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A plane was flying from New York to Canada. The plane crashes right on the border line. Where do you burry the survivors? They don't because they are survivors, therefor they never died.
Tags: misc
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Q: How do you drown a blonde?A: You put a scratch 'n sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool.
Tags: misc
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My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
Tags: medical
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What do you get when you cross a praying mantis with a termite? A bug that says grace before eating your house.
Tags: one-liners
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What do you get when you mix cigarettes in hot water? A soggy butt.
Tags: one-liners
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A blonde and a brunette were walking down the dark basement stairs to find a wrench. When they were half way down the stairs the blonde screamed. "What's wrong?" "Something brushed against my right leg!!" So both the brunette and the blonde were running around the basement screaming. "I keep feeling it!! Make it stop! Wait" The blonde said. "That was just my left leg!"
Tags: blonde-jokes
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Q: How many Newfie farmers does it take to milk a cow? A: 5...One to hold the utter and four to lift the cow up and down, up and down.
Tags: misc
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Nine cats were on a boat. One jumped off. How many were left? None. They were all copy-cats!
Tags: puns
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How are opera singers and sailors alike? They both have to handle the high seas(Cs)!
Tags: puns
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A blind guy, a deaf guy, and an armless guy were in a cave. All of a sudden, a blind guy said he heard something, the deaf guy said he saw something, and the armless guy said "Let's kick his ass!"
Tags: misc
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The Pillow Fight (a Mik and Mak Joke)
Mik and mak are having a pillow fight. Mak whacks mik hard. Mik yells "are you jamaican because ja maican me crazy!"
Tags: puns
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What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't? Depreciation.
Tags: at-work
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Did you know that 18 out of 10 people don't understand fractions?
Tags: misc
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I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!
Tags: classic, general
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I got hit in the head by a soda can, but it didn't hurt that much... It was a soft drink.
Tags: classic, general
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Q. What smells fishy and ends with untA. Rex Hunt
Tags: women
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There was a big moron and a little moron, sitting on a ledge. The big moron fell off. Why? Because the little moron was a little more on.
Tags: puns
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What's red and bad for your teeth? A Brick.
Tags: classic, general
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Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
Tags: classic, general
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What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport? Squash.
Tags: classic, general
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Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Tags: one-liners
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Q)Where do penguins go to dance? A)The snowball
Tags: one-liners
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And so at last the beast fell and the unbelievers rejoiced. But all was not lost, for from the ash rose a great bird. The bird gazed down upon the unbelievers and cast fire and thunder upon them. For the beast had been reborn with its strength renewed, and the followers of Mammon cowered in horror.
Tags: tech
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Did you ever notice...?
Did you ever notice that a lot of people will do just about anything to get attention? Like putting jokes up on a website! P.S I love Wocka.
Tags: one-liners
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I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
Tags: sports
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Here is an explanation of the school homework policy:
Tags: school
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What does a Mexican firefighter name his twin sons? Jose and Josbe
Tags: one-liners
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I was teaching my 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt. She asked, "Do I click the square?" I said yes. She then asked me, "Single click or double click?"
Tags: children
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At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been cancelled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"
Tags: misc
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What did the beaver say to the tree? It's been nice gnawing you.
Tags: classic, general
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Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Depends on how many lightbulbs need changing.
Tags: one-liners
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Knock-knock! Who's there? Harry. Harry who? Harry up and answer the door!
Tags: knock-knock
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Child: Mum, can I wear those really nice jeans with the hole in the knee to church? Mother: No honey, you can't wear holy jeans to church!
Tags: puns
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A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
Tags: bar
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Q: How many Floridians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Don't know for sure, they're still counting.
Tags: light-bulbs
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A teacher is writing a problem on the blackboard when she turns around and says, "If you are stupid, please stand up." After a while, a student stands up and says,"I really don't think I'm stupid, but I feel bad for you standing there by yourself."
Tags: misc
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Why was the font always tired? It was always bold.
Tags: classic, programming
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Can you decipher this phrase? RU[color=red]E[/color] Are you ready: [R U + red E].
Tags: animal
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Knock-Knock? Who's there? Alison. Alison who? Alison (I listen) to the radio sometimes!
Tags: knock-knock
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Girl: Did you kiss me when the lights were out?Boy: NoGirl: It must have been that other boy in the corner. Boy, starting to get up: I'll teach him a thing or two!Girl: You couldn't teach him a thing!
Tags: misc
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If you think about it, a muffin is just a bald cupcake!
Tags: misc
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"Do you like the new car Alice and I just bought?" Tom asked onerously.
Tags: puns
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Bad at golf? Join the club.
Tags: classic, general
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Why did the teacher have to put on her glasses during class? Because the kids were to bright!
Tags: children
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Two eggs sitting on a kitchen table, when one sees a whisk. He says to his friend, "Ooh, what's that?" The friend replies, "Beats me!"
Tags: puns
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Two rednecks had just gone fishing and brought in the largest amount of fish they had ever seen. One said to the other, "Did you mark the place where the fishing was so good?""Yes, I put an X on the side of the boat. ""You idiot. That if we were gonna take a different boat next time?"
Tags: idiots
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Q: What did Jane say to Tarzan when she saw the elephants coming? A: Here come the plums; she was color blind.
Tags: animal
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A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having difficulty keeping time with the rest of the band. Finally, the captain said, "Either you learn to keep time or I'll throw you overboard. . . . It's up to you, sync or swim."
Tags: puns
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Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:
Tags: school
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Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.
Tags: sports
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Once, there was 3 Chinese people who wanted to go to America. Their names were Bu, Chu, and Fu. Since these names would sound awfully weird, Bu said, "I'll change my name to Buck, adding 'ck' to the end." Chu said, "Then I'll become Chuck." After a long pause, Fu said, "I guess I'll go back to China."
Tags: misc
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Why does President Clinton invite so many ladies into his private study? He wants to show them his executive branch.
Tags: puns
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A speaker was having a little trouble getting started in his speech. All of the sudden someone from the audience shouted: "Tell 'em everything you know. It will only take a mintue. ""I'll tell e'm what we both know," shot back the speaker. "It won't take any longer. "
Tags: misc
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What is black and white and red all over? An embarrassed zebra
Tags: animal
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How do you make the number one disappear? Add the letter G and it’s “gone”!
Tags: classic, general
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Johnny: "Dad, stop drinking my root beer!!! Do I get free refills?" Dad: "Sure -- I backwashed!"
Tags: children
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One day my wife was changing my daughter's diaper, and my 3 year old son walked in and saw her and asked, "Mommy, where is her thingy?" I almost had a heart attack, laughing so hard that day.
Tags: children
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Boy: Is your dad a baker? Girl: No. Why? Boy: Cause you're a cutie pie!!
Tags: one-liners
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Jokes

How Can One Person Make So Many Mistakes...

Thngs Not To Say To A Cop #1

A Guy Walks Into a Pet Shop...

The Pillow Fight (a Mik and Mak Joke)

Did you ever notice...?