Why do mathematicians hate the U.S.? Because it's indivisible.
Tags: classic, general
Permalinkterasurfer
paddling out…
View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.
Why do mathematicians hate the U.S.? Because it's indivisible.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkThis Chinese man asks this guy what he does for a living. The guy says, 'I'm a comedian.' The Chinese guy says 'No, u no camedien!' The guy says, 'Yer, I am, honest.' The Chinese guy says, 'No, you're not, ploove it, change coror!' (He says it like chameleon)
Tags: misc
PermalinkOur lips touched, then she crossed her legs and broke my glasses.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy are llamas big and brown? Beacause if they were small & grey, they would be mice.
Tags: animal
PermalinkHow many Dyslexics does it take to change a Lit Blub?
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkQ: Why are hairdressers always on time? A: Because they know all the short cuts!
Tags: puns
Permalink"Well, Jonathan, what are you going to do about the excess weight you're carrying around?" the doctor asked. "I don't understand it, Doc," Jonathan replied, "I just can't seem to lose weight. I must have an overactive thyroid." "Jonathan, the tests show that your thyroid is perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "It's your fork that's overactive."
Tags: medical
Permalinkwhat's the difference between here and there? The letter T! :) (Take away the T in there and you've got here!)
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy do they have braille on drive-thru ATMs?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat does the turtle do in the Olympics? The hurdle run!
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhat’s 50 Cent’s name in Zimbabwe? 200 Dollars.
Tags: classic, general
Permalinkif stealing kids is kidnapping,is stealing adults oldnapping?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA boy walks home an hour late to class, the teacher asks him, "Why are you so late?" The boy replies, "I stopped two boys from beating each other up." The teacher says, "That's very nice; how did you do that?" The boy says, "I beat them both up!"
Tags: children
PermalinkMARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB Her father shot it dead Now it goes to school with her Between two hunks of bread.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat kind of sneakers do chickens wear? Re-bok-bok-bok-bok-bok.
Tags: animal
PermalinkThere once was an X from place B, That satisfied predicate P, He or she did thing A, In an adjective way, Resulting in circumstance C.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat goes 99-clump, 99-clump, 99-clump? A centipede with a wooden leg.
Tags: animal
PermalinkA parachute used once, but has never been open!
Tags: misc
PermalinkA dog is a man's best friend because it gives no advice, never tries to borrow money, and has no in-laws.
Tags: animal
PermalinkQ: How does Michael Jackson know it's time for bed? A: When the big hand touches the little hand...
Tags: misc
PermalinkAnd the beast shall come forth surrounded by a roiling cloud of vengeance. The house of the unbelievers shall be razed and they shall be scorched to the earth. Their tags shall blink until the end of days.
Tags: tech
PermalinkMy doctor says I have insomnia, but I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.
Tags: medical
PermalinkJust when you are finally happy with your life and eveything going on in your life.... You get married and ruin it!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
Tags: medical
PermalinkWhy did the functions stop calling each other? Because they had constant arguments.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkWhat did Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented? Lil Caesars
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkThe reason grandparents and children get along so well is really quite simple: They have a common enemy.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ: What is big and grey and comes in quarts? A: An elephant.
Tags: animal
PermalinkQ: What device lets you see through a wall? A: Window
Tags: misc
PermalinkI saw this sign in a bar a few years ago. A camel can go eight days without a drink - but who the hell wants to be a camel.
Tags: bar
PermalinkWhen his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow do you get a NUN pregnant?Dress her up as a little boy!
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkIt's pretty bad if you start typing "lol" as if it were a sentence (Lol.) Its worse if you start saying, "laugh out loud" in everday conversations. It's absolutely horrible if you actually say, "l-o-l."
Tags: tech
PermalinkWhat is the most used language in programming? Profanity.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkA dozen, a gross, and a score Plus three times the square root of four Divided by seven Plus five times eleven Is nine squared and not a bit more.
Tags: college
PermalinkIf he concentrates on the bottle because it says, "from concentrate!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkThree friends a surgeon, an engineer, and a politician were discussing which of their professions was the oldest. The surgeon said "Eve was created from Adam's rib, a surgical procedure." The engineer replied: "Before Adam and Eve, order was created out of chaos, and that was an engineering job." The politician said, "Yes, but who do you suppose created the chaos?"
Tags: at-work
PermalinkHow does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkSpeak your mind out when you're angry. You'll make the best speech you'll ever live to regret.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did Puffy say when Ben asked him about J-LO ? "Take that, take that"
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: How do you shoot a yellow elephant? A: Have you ever seen a yellow elephant?
Tags: animal
PermalinkThere is a black man , and australian aborigine and a samoan in a car.Who is driving ???---- Police officer
Tags: military
PermalinkOne day a couple of rabbits found themselves being chased by a pack of wolves. They dashed into a thicket, and stood there panting. "So," gasped one to the other, "do you think we should keep running, or stay here until we outnumber them?"
Tags: animal
Permalinkknock knock, who's there animal animal who? animal i kin git lots of stuff iffn i have ta money
Tags: misc
PermalinkA farmer is going down the road with his horse pulling his wagon and his dog lying next to 'em. The farmer says, "It sure is hot out here." The horse turns back and says, "It sure is." The farmer says, "I didn't know horses could talk." The dog said, "Neither did I."
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhy don't oysters give to charity? Because they're shellfish.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkQ: What's the difference between a rabbit and a cow? A: One's a rabbit and one is a cow
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat does the "O" and the "N" stand for in 'CLEMSON'? The "O" is for honor, and the "N" for knowledge.
Tags: sports
PermalinkNow I lay me down to sleep With the boy across the street Won't my mommy be surprised When my tummy starts to rise Won't my daddy be disgusted When he finds my cherry's busted.
Tags: misc
PermalinkTexan: "Where are you from?" Harvard graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions." Texan: "OK, where are you from, Jackass?"
Tags: college
PermalinkHow do you keep a Michigan State Player out of your yard? Set up a goal post.
Tags: misc
PermalinkDiplomacy: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: Why did the rooster cross the road? A: To prove he wasn't chicken. Q: Why did the pencil cross the road? A: It was lead.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat did the router say to the doctor? It hurts when IP.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkQ: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkQ. Why should you be careful when it's raining cats and dogs? A. Because you might step in a poodle.
Tags: animal
PermalinkA woman went to her psychiatrist and said, "Doctor, I want to talk to you about my husband. He thinks he's a refrigerator. " "That's not so bad," said the doctor. "It's a rather harmless complex. " "Well, maybe," replied the lady. "But he sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake along with the chillness. "
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat kind of pants do ghosts wear? Boo jeans.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhere does Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkGood judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat happens when a lion roars? Tom n Jerry starts!
Tags: children
PermalinkGolfer: Notice any improvement since last year?Caddy: Polished your clubs, didn't you?Golfer: The doctor says I can't play golf.Caddy: Oh, he's played with you, too, huh?Golfer: "Caddy, why didn't you see where that ball went?"Caddy: "Well, it doesn't usually go anywhere, Mrs. Smith. You caught me off-guard."
Tags: sports
Permalink"You were speaking much too long on the phone just now, Miss Ponsonby," said Mr.Jones. "But it was a business call, Mr. Jones." "Well, please don't address our clients as 'sweetikins'in the future."
Tags: at-work
PermalinkJust after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered: "I never forget a friend. That was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkSo I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local swimming baths?" He said, "It depends where you're calling from."
Tags: puns
PermalinkKnock-Knock Who's there? life life who? A life is what you need to get!
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkQ: What do you get when you cross a kangaroo and a sheep? A: A sweater with pockets
Tags: animal
PermalinkQ: How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: To get to the other side.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkTeacher: If you stood with your back to the north and faced due south, what would be on your left hand? Lisa: Fingers
Tags: children
PermalinkWhat's a computer's favorite snack? Microchips.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkDefinition of sick:Walking into an orphanage and singing 'WE ARE FAMILY'
Tags: misc
PermalinkLife isn't fair. I went to my boss with a note from my doctor stating that I have multiple personalities. Now I do three different jobs and still only get one paycheck!!.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy did the limping man sit on a scorpion? He thought that it would be "pinched"!
Tags: misc
PermalinkIs that a mirror in your jeans? Because I can see myself in them.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a pig? Jurassic pork!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkFrom a brunette's point of view: Blondes may have more fun but hey, at least we can read!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA teacher came home and slumped in his favorite chair with a dicouraged look. His wife asked hime what was wrong. "You know those aptitude tests we're giving at the school?Well, I took one today for fun. It's a good thing I'm the teacher. "
Tags: misc
PermalinkI hear some rich guy wants to build a tavern at the top of Mount Everest. Talk about raising the bar high!
Tags: puns
PermalinkAstronomers were excited this week at having isolated a brief sound which occurred immediately before the Big Bang. Apparently, that sound was "Uh oh."
Tags: misc
PermalinkAmy: Yesterday I saw a man in the mall with very long arms. Every time he went up the stairs he would step on them. Bob: Wow... He stepped on his arms? Amy: No. On the STAIRS!
Tags: children
PermalinkIf two's a company and three's a crowd... what's four and five? NINE!!!!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkConfucius say: Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways, going to Bangkok
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkOpinions are like assholes. Everyone has one, and everyone elses' stinks.
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow can you spot a happy motorcyclist? By the bugs in his teeth.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDid you hear about the blond girl in a coffin?She was the winner of the 1994 hide & seek contest.p.s: writen in the year 2001
Tags: misc
PermalinkI wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness' but it doesn't work.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkKnock knock. Who's there? Little old lady. Little old lady who? I didn't know you could yodel!
Tags: classic, knock-knock
PermalinkI bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe bumper sticker of a proud parent read: MY SON WAS INMATE OF THE MONTH
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ. Why are families like chocolate? A. They are mostly sweet, with a few nuts!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf a guy is a "chick magnet", and opposites attract, doesn't that make him gay?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked "Electronic cat and dog caller -- guaranteed to work." I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat's the object-oriented way to become wealthy? Inheritance
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkHow do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it.
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhat's brown and sticky? A stick.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkQ: Why DIDN`T the skull cross the road? A: Because he didn`t have the guts!
Tags: misc
PermalinkLaughter is like changing a baby's diaper... It doesn't permanently solve any problems, but it makes things more acceptable for a while!
Tags: misc
PermalinkI wish my name was Gary Boone! Do you wanna know why? Because, then, my name could be goon... you see, because you take the "G" from Gary and the "oone" from Boone to get Goon! But, you know, that's not the worst nickname. The person that does have the worst nickname is my friend, Phil Hart. I can't even tell you what we call him...
Tags: children
Permalink-What do you call a dog in a submarine? -A sub-woofer.
Tags: puns
PermalinkHow do locomotives know where they're going? Lots of training
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkKnock-knock Whose there? Says Says who? Says me
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkI want to kick the guy who invented the snooze button...then five minutes later, I'll kick him again. Thanks Andrew!
Tags: tech
PermalinkDid you hear the story about the cheese that saved the world? It was legend dairy.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhat do you call a pretty woman in Poland? A tourist
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: Why don't blondes play frisbee?A: It hurts their teeth.
Tags: misc
PermalinkAs we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA couple of Yogi Berra's team mates on the Yankees ball club swear that one night the stocky catcher was horrified to see a baby toppling off the roof of a cottage across the way from him. Yogi dashed over and made a miraculous catch - but then force of habit proved too much for him. He straightened up and threw the baby to second base.
Tags: sports
PermalinkA father in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light, where it wasn't allowed. "Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" he said. "That's OK, Dad," his son replied. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
Tags: children
PermalinkWhy did the burglar hang his mugshot on the wall? To prove that he was framed!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkJust when you get really good at something, you don't need to do it any more.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."
Tags: children
PermalinkDid you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkThere's this dyslexic guy... he walked into a bra...
Tags: bar
PermalinkAn elderly couple was attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do? He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkMen who walk in front of car get tired. Men who walk in back of car get exhausted.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow did the person take over the remote? He asked for remote CONTROLS!
Tags: tech
PermalinkWhat is a musician with real high morals? Virtuoso.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ: How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb? A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkThere is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrnog.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA woman went in for a breast exam. The doctor said, "Have a seat. I have to numb your breasts first." The woman said, "Okay." So the doctor put his face between her breasts and said, "Numb, numb, numb, numb, numb."
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat do you call the planters guy beating up fruit spread? Peanut battering jelly.
Tags: puns
PermalinkAccording to the Institute of Incomplete Research, 7 out of 10 people are
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWilliam P. Holcomb's job is to supervise the tracking down of Houston, Texas parking ticket violators. It was revealed that he himself had 375 unpaid tickets.
Tags: at-work
PermalinkSimiliarity between a woman and a computer!Both can accept a 3.5 inch floppy
Tags: women
PermalinkAnd the beast shall be made legion. Its numbers shall be increased a thousand thousand fold. The din of a million keyboards like unto a great storm shall cover the earth, and the followers of Mammon shall tremble.
Tags: tech
PermalinkWhat does PPSH-41 stand for? It is:Perfectly and Painfully and Stubborn Hallucination for(4) one(1)
Tags: animal
PermalinkIf all those sweet young things were laid end to end â I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother.On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?""Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?""The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
Tags: family-parents
PermalinkA little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
Tags: children
PermalinkThis guy and a girl were in a golf cart and the guy drops his tees out of his pocket and the lady asks what is he doing? So, the guy says: I put my balls on them and I drive them.
Tags: sports
PermalinkAs the plane was flying low over hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?" "Just snow," replied the stewardess. "That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."
Tags: puns
PermalinkA gentleman walks into bar, and to his horror, sees a screaming naked lady tied to the wall while the bartender licks her! The guy runs out and calles the police.He is even more horrified when the police say there is nothing they can do; the bartender has lick-her (liquor) license.
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow do you get a baby alien to sleep? You rocket.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhy did the chicken cross the road? I don't know, ask the chicken!
Tags: animal
Permalink"Hey Sam!" exclaimed Jim, meeting a buddy for the first time since the war's end. "Did you marry that girl you were dating a while back or are you still doing your own cooking and ironing?""Yes," replied Sam.
Tags: misc
PermalinkSign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."
Tags: at-work
PermalinkAn Englishman, a Scott, and a Irishman walked into a pub.Each orderd a pint of beer . Then a fly landed in each one's beer . The Englishman, turning slightly green, pushed his beer away and asked for another one .The Scott took the fly out ,shrugged, and drank his beer . The Irisman pinched the flybetween his fingers and yelled " SPIT IT OUT! "SPIT IT OUT!"
Tags: deep-thoughts
PermalinkHOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.... HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. .... with Beer
Tags: money
PermalinkWhy was everyone at the fancy King Crab Night Diner arrested? They were breaking the claw! So punny!
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhat did one tradesman say to another? I hope you have a "barter" day tomorrow.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkYou can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool a Mom.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAn astronaut in space was asked by a reporter, "How do you feel?" "How would you feel," the astronout replied, "if you were stuck here, on top of 20,000 parts each one supplied by the lowest bidder?"
Tags: at-work
PermalinkIf there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside? K9P.
Tags: puns
PermalinkIf Bob the Butcher is 5'11'' what does he weigh? -Meat
Tags: puns
PermalinkHow many Microsoft Employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they'll just make darkness the new industry standard!
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkA very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
Tags: children
PermalinkHow many nerds does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One to be the cunsultant. One to be the labor manager. Two to hire people. Four to actually screw in the lightbulb. Five to be the ladder and ten to be the company board of directors.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkMy grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
Tags: children
PermalinkQ: When is a black dog not a black dog? A: When its a grey hound.
Tags: animal
Permalink"How can you stand it?" the young psychiatrist asked the old psychiatrist. "Day in, day out, year in, year out, listening, listening, listening!" "Who listens?"
Tags: medical
PermalinkLittle Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."
Tags: children
PermalinkA gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old lawyers gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape."It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got out with $25 between us.""I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!" the boss screamed. "We had over $100 when we broke in!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy did the squirrel cross the road? Because it was NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tags: animal
PermalinkKnock knock. Who's there? Sue. Sue who? I'll sue you if ya don't let me in!
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkCan you decipher this phrase? TTTTTTTTTT Tent.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a blind deer? No idea (no eye deer.) What do you call a blind deer with no legs? Still no idea! (not moving [still] no eye deer)
Tags: animal
PermalinkSign seen on a maternity-ward door: Push! Push! Push!
Tags: one-liners
Permalink"Ciao amico, desidero comprare un mazzo di banane." "Il compagno spiacente, questo à ̈ un farmacista."
Tags: at-work
PermalinkOnce, a blonde decided to ride a horse. She was riding quite pleasantly on a trail in a field until the horse speeded up. He was going faster and faster, and soon she felt herself slipping. Her head was just about to hit the ground... Then the Wal Mart manager ran to turn off the horsey ride.
Tags: blonde-jokes
PermalinkAfter a nice dinner the two couples got up from the table. The ladies went into the kitchen and the men went into the family room. One of the gents said to the other, "I think it is so wonderful how you call your wife, "honey pie" and "sweet pea", and "sugar" all the time. The other gent said, "Well to tell you the truth, four years ago, I forget her name."
Tags: men
PermalinkCan you decipher this phrase? DOG THE The underdog!
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes whack, dang. A bad skydiver goes dang, whack.
Tags: sports
PermalinkQ: Why did the little girls put minnows in their pants? A: So they could smell like big girls.
Tags: animal
PermalinkOne day Tarzan comes home to the treehouse and says "Jane.. give me a double Matini". Jane says "What is wrong with you -- you don't drink alcohol!" Tarzan says "It's a jungle out there!""When I'm out of red, I use blue." - Pablo Picasso
Tags: misc
PermalinkRemember- There's a light at the end of every tunnel... just hope it's not a train!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA drunken guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you,Batman!?"
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: What is the difference between a plate and a booger? A: The plate is on the table, but the booger is under the table. Q: What is the difference between a prince and a booger? A: The prince is the heir to the throne, but the booger is thrown to the air.
Tags: misc
PermalinkAntarctica is the driest, coldest, windiest and highest continent on earth. Panama is the only place in the world that you can see the sun rise on the Pacific and set on the Atlantic. The only lighthouse to use electricity was the Statue of Liberty. A honey bee can fly up to 15 m.p.h.
Tags: misc
PermalinkCan a teacher give a homeless man homework?
Tags: deep-thoughts
PermalinkHi, this is Johan advising you that you spend WAY too much time on the phone. GO OUTSIDE... See the world, LIVE a little... Have fun.
Tags: misc
PermalinkA guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?" The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you." The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat did one snowman say to the other snowman? Do you smell carrots?
Tags: misc
PermalinkOne day there was a woman who lost her cat named "LOVE." It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York. So, thinking that he might be down the street, she put on her house-coat and went looking for him. When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing, she said very honestly, "I'm looking for LOVE." The policeman arrested her on the spot.
Tags: misc
PermalinkThe skeleton walked into the bar and asked, "Can I have a beer and a mop?"
Tags: bar
PermalinkQ: How do you keep a cheepskate busy? A: Put him or her in a round room and tell them that you droped a $20 bill in the corner.
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkQ: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkReal headline: "Air Traffic Controllers Can Apply for Job in Braille"
Tags: at-work
PermalinkOne day, Johnny saw his dad got caught on fire. Immeaditly he went to his mom saying, "Mom, mom hurry, dad's on fire, and I brought the marshmellows!" Another day a lady came to the door asking for things for the old peoples fund. Johnny yelled from the doorway to his mom, "Hey mom, there's this person asking for the old peoples fund, shall I give them grandma?"
Tags: children
Permalinkok, If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the Jags, and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers known as Bucs, what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
Tags: sports
PermalinkTwo Welsh sheepherders are perfoming unnatural acts with two of their herd simultaneously. One turns to the other, disgustedly, and says, "I hear they're doing this to women in England!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkKnock-Knock Who's there? Oscar Oscar who? Ask her a silly question, get a silly answer!
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkWhy do cats raise their tails when you stroke their backs? To let you know you've reached the end of the cat.
Tags: animal
PermalinkA termite walks into a bar and says... 'Where is the bar tended?'
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkHow can you tell what company an insurance man works for? That's easy... just watch to see who he sleeps with....
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat kind of award did the dentist receive? A little plaque.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkIRS... we've got what it takes, to take what you've got
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA girl's legs are her best friends, but the best of friends must part. -- Redd Foxx
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ. Why was the Gum so mad in class? A. It was Chewed Out!
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: Why did the cookie go to the doctor? A: Because he felt crumby.
Tags: misc
PermalinkPut the characters C - D - I - M - L - V - X in the right order - but not alphabetical. I - V - X - L - C - D - M. Roman numerals.
Tags: animal
PermalinkWe are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... then things get worse.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIt's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWays To Annoy People In The Computer Lab Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking. Light candles in a circle around your terminal before starting. Play "Pong" for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
Tags: misc
PermalinkIf you copy from your textbooks, it's making good use of what you've learnt. If you copy from anywhere else, it's plagiarism.
Tags: children
PermalinkIndian chief addressing the tribe says: "I've got good news an bad news. The bad news is 5000 college students just moved next door to the reservation ... good news is, they taste like buffalo."
Tags: misc
Permalinkdid you know the first French fries weren't cooked in France? they were cooked in Greece
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkHave you ever seen Moth Balls? You have!!! How did you get their teeny, tiny and poor little legs apart? Ya fiend!
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhy did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.
Tags: misc
PermalinkDid you hear about the crime in the parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkQ: Did you hear the joke about the jump rope? A: No, I skipped it!
Tags: sports
PermalinkWhat do you get when you cross a praying mantis with a termite? A bug that says grace before eating your house.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy did the programmer quit his job? Because he didn't get arrays.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkAn elderly couple was having a conversation, and the wife asked her husband a simple question :- "Boxers or briefs?" Her husband replied :- "Depends."
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat is represented by this? STEPPETSPETS One step forward, two steps back!
Tags: misc
PermalinkI took lessons in bicycle riding, but I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAt Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
Tags: puns
PermalinkLaugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf ham is Canadian bacon, then what the heck do you Canadians call bacon?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
Tags: misc
PermalinkIf it weren't for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for everybody.
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhile I was sleeping my friends decided to write math equations on me. You should have seen the expression on my face when I woke up.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhy couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out, man.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkYou know you're a redneck when your brand new tv is sitting on your old ones.
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhats a blondes favorite nursury rhyme?humpme dumpme
Tags: blonde-jokes
PermalinkMarriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkKeep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button
Tags: misc
Permalink-Knock Knock! -Who's there? -You know. -You know who? -Thats right, avada kedavra!
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkWhen a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a group of Jew baritones and sopranos singing? Soap opera.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA bear and a rabbit were taking a dump in the woods. The bear looked over to the rabbit and asked: "Mr. Rabbit, do you ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?"The rabbit replied: "Why no, Mr. Bear, I most certainly do not."So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit.
Tags: misc
PermalinkThe Blonde walked into a bar. The Brunette used the door. The redhead actually OPENED the door, and the Asian actually WENT THROUGH the door.
Tags: bar
PermalinkWear tank tops and support your right to bare arms.
Tags: puns
PermalinkSomeone dropped $50. Who do you think will pick it up? A.) An honest politician B.) A five year old child C.) Santa Claus B.) A 5 year old child, all the others aren't real.
Tags: misc
Permalink(A continuation of Joke #7939 Idiot #9 - - - - - - A woman called the cops from her house and said, "My ex-boyfriend stole my pot!" So the police went to the ex-boyfriends house, took the marijuana, and arrested him. The same officer went to the woman's house and asked her to identify if it was her pot. She confirmed it was hers, and was taken away in the police car.
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two (think about it)
Tags: light-bulbs
Permalinkwhat's hairy on the out side and wet and slimey on the inside it begins whith an c and ends in a t?? a cocanut
Tags: women
PermalinkWhy did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkEver wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat is the definition of ultimate frustration? Two blind lesbians trying to find each other in a fish market.
Tags: misc
PermalinkShow me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A-flat minor.
Tags: puns
PermalinkTwo men were having a conversation. A: "My ears got burnt!" B: "How did that happen?" A: "You see, I was ironing and the phone rang and instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron." B: "So how did the second one get burnt." A: "The person called back."
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: What did one arithmetic book say to the other? A: I have a lot of problems.
Tags: puns
PermalinkA teacher asked his student: Give me an example of 6 animals. The student: 3 Lions, 2 Tigers , and 1 Cheetah !
Tags: animal
PermalinkMurphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: How many Clowns does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Paid Clowns - 5 Boys in school - 1000
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhat crackers do firemen like in their soup? Firecrackers!
Tags: at-work
Permalink