Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
Tags: puns
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Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
Tags: puns
PermalinkWho is the ugliest member of wocka? [Name Removed - This joke offends some users - Joke awaiting deletion]
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's round and hard and sticks so far out of a man's pajamas you can hang a hat on it? His head!
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhen you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Tags: misc
PermalinkA Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful. What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
Tags: family-parents
PermalinkMattel may not want to turn Barbie into a middle aged doll as some women suggested. Still others say it is high time for Ms. Roberts to get in touch with the modern times. Here are some suggestions for a 90's type of Barbie.
Tags: misc
Permalinkknock knock! whose there? yer mom oh come in!
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkMan: "How's your history paper coming?" Woman: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research, and it's been very helpful." Man: "Really?" Woman: "Yes! I've already located 17 people who sell them!"
Tags: college
PermalinkWhat do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra.
Tags: classic, general
Permalink-Knock Knock! -Who's there? -You know. -You know who? -Thats right, avada kedavra!
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkAlways be smarter than the inanimate object that you're working with.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkKnock-Knock Who's there? life life who? A life is what you need to get!
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkHow did the person take over the remote? He asked for remote CONTROLS!
Tags: tech
PermalinkWhy should you have only one egg for breakfast? Because un oeuf is enough!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkShe was only a whisky maker's daughter, but he loved her still.
Tags: puns
PermalinkI went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Tags: puns
PermalinkQ: What do you get when you cross a snake and a kangaroo? A: A jump rope
Tags: animal
PermalinkHow many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb? Let's go ride bikes!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkAll inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
Tags: misc
PermalinkLittle Johnny's mum was sitting in front of computer while Johnny was making sandwiches. She said to Johhny, "You're the best sandwich maker ever," and Johnny says "No mum, you're just lazy." hahahahahahahahahahaha
Tags: children
PermalinkHow come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer, Olive? Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names." What's the most popular wine at Christmas? "I don't like sprouts"!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkOne day a couple of rabbits found themselves being chased by a pack of wolves. They dashed into a thicket, and stood there panting. "So," gasped one to the other, "do you think we should keep running, or stay here until we outnumber them?"
Tags: animal
PermalinkJUDGE: "The court can produce a dozen witnesses who saw you rob the bank." ROBBER: "Big deal! I can bring in hundreds of people who didn't see it!"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ: What do you call a group of blondes in a circle?A: A dope ring!!
Tags: misc
PermalinkIt is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest. - S. den Hartog, Ph D. Thesis Universtity of Groningen.
Tags: medical
PermalinkTeacher: Oscar, if you had five pieces of candy, and Joey asked for one, how many would you have left? Oscar: Five.
Tags: children
Permalinkif stealing kids is kidnapping,is stealing adults oldnapping?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAn infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first goes up to the bartender and says, "I'll have a pint of lager, please." The next one says, "and I'll have half of what he's having." The bartender says, "You're all idiots," and pulls two pints.
Tags: bar
PermalinkI knocked several times, but you weren't in. - Opportunity
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy should not a chicken cross the road? It would be a fowl proceeding.
Tags: animal
PermalinkGEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie Kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play He kissed them as well, he's funny that way.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat is represented by this? heart heart heart Heart-to-heart!
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat does the male centipede say to the other male centipede when a female centipede walks by? That's a nice pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs.....
Tags: animal
PermalinkAn unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ: How does Michael Jackson know it's time for bed? A: When the big hand touches the little hand...
Tags: misc
PermalinkKnock Knock Who's there? Boo Boo who? I don't know, but stop your crying!
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat do elves post on Social Media? Elf-ies.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhere does Superman's goldfish live ? In the superbowl....
Tags: animal
PermalinkQ. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common? A. No ball room
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkVini vedi velcro (I came, I saw, I stuck around)
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHeard over the hospital public address system: Due to a mix up in Urology, no apple juice will be served this morning.
Tags: medical
PermalinkIf at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife/girlfriend told you to do it?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings, at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from e-mail. Amen."
Tags: children
PermalinkQ. What do you call a cow murder mystery? A. moo-done-it.
Tags: animal
PermalinkA woman gets into a cab and gives the cab driver an address all the way across town. When they arrive, the woman says, "I have no money."The cabbie says, "I have to get paid."The woman raises her dress and asks, "Will this do?"The cabbie says, "Don't you have anything smaller?"
Tags: misc
PermalinkSam: "Where have I seen your face before?" Pam: "Right where it is now."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat does this represent? WRIST WRIST Tourists! (two wrists)
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy did the chicken cross the road? To go to the other side! Why did the Mexican Chicken cross the Border? To get to the U.S.
Tags: animal
PermalinkMe: Do you wanna hear a good joke? Amy: Yes! Me: Me too!
Tags: misc
PermalinkThe problem with keeping an open mind is that all my ideas tend to fall out.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a lesbian asian? minjeeta
Tags: women
PermalinkQ: What is the difference between a fish and a piano ? A: You can't tuna fish.
Tags: misc
PermalinkTwo friends were out shooting birds. A bird flew from behind a tree and quick as a flash one man shot it. It uttered a squawk, folded its wings and fell to the ground. The other man turned to him and said: " You didn't need to shoot that bird. The fall would have killed it."
Tags: animal
PermalinkQ: How was copper wire invented?A: Two lawyers were arguing over a penny.
Tags: misc
PermalinkIf Henry IV were cloned, would he be Henry V, or Henry IV Jr. or, would he be Henry IV Part II? (Willy Wagstaff, more usually known as William Shakespeare)
Tags: puns
PermalinkI bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat type of saw cuts the sea? A see-saw.
Tags: misc
PermalinkChildren in the back of the car cause accidents. Accidents in the back of the car cause children
Tags: children
PermalinkHow does a rodeo star get around? With a cattle-act.
Tags: puns
PermalinkA daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold." At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute, why did you call God 'Harold'?" The little boy looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name..."
Tags: children
PermalinkThe bartender at our golf club named a drink Lilac Crazy in honour of one of the members. Every time the member came to the 19th hole, that's exactly what he did.
Tags: sports
PermalinkIf you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI know the day I gave up exercise. You wanna know? Check my birth certificate.
Tags: misc
Permalink3 SQL statements walk into a NoSQL bar. Soon, they walk out They couldn't find a table.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkDid you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhat do Michael Jackson and plastic bags have in common? They are both made out of plastic and are dangerous for children to play with.
Tags: children
PermalinkI tried for years to snap my thumb and finger together - and suddenly it clicked!
Tags: puns
PermalinkQ: How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the bulb. Notes: Ugh!
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkPerson A: Why did the chicken cross the road? Person B: Is this a trick question?
Tags: animal
PermalinkDid you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a roman catholic.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkI saw this sign in a bar a few years ago. A camel can go eight days without a drink - but who the hell wants to be a camel.
Tags: bar
PermalinkA man and his doctor are discussing a surgery the man will soon undergo. The doctor asks if there are any last questions. "Doctor, will I be able to play my violin after this surgery?" "Of course! Why would you think you couldn't?" "I couldn't play it before."
Tags: medical
PermalinkLaundromat sign: Automatic Washing Machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
Tags: misc
PermalinkThree blondes walk into a forest and soon find a pair of tracks.The first blonde says: "I think they're deer tracks."The second blonde says: "No, I think they're bear tracks."The third blonde says: "You're both wrong! They're bird tracks!"Then they get hit by a train.
Tags: blonde-jokes
PermalinkA doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast."You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone."What took you so long to answer?""I was in bed.""What were you doing in bed this late?""Getting a second opinion."
Tags: women
PermalinkIs the pool safe for diving? It deep ends.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkThis is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio communication between a U.S. NAVY ship and Canadian authorities off the cost of Newfoundland, October 1995. Radio log released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/95: WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Tags: military
PermalinkQ. Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's day? A. Regular Rocks are too heavy!
Tags: misc
PermalinkA drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
Tags: police-jokes
PermalinkThere once was an X from place B, That satisfied predicate P, He or she did thing A, In an adjective way, Resulting in circumstance C.
Tags: misc
PermalinkA precocious 4-year-old was brought to the ER with a severe cough, a nurse writes. She kept up a non-stop conversation while I was trying to assess her lung sounds. Finally, I said, "Shhh, I have to see if Barney is in there." The child looked at me and said, "I have Jesus in my heart. Barney is on my underwear."
Tags: children
PermalinkRegistered users win points for submitting and voting on jokes.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ:Why did Minie Mouse get kicked out of the sand box?A:Becase she sat on Pinochio's face and said "Lie to me Pinochio lie!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat do you do if you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Tags: animal
PermalinkBad news: A man fell out of an airplane Good news: He had a parachute Bad news: The parachute didn't work Good news: There was a haystack beneath him Bad news: There was a pitchfork in the haystack Good news: He missed the pitchfork Bad news: He missed the haystack
Tags: misc
PermalinkIf a rabbit were racing cabbage, who would win? The cabbage, because it's a head.
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhen does Saddam Hussein have his lunch? When Tariq Aziz. (When Tariq has his)
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ. How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb? A. You send us the prize money and we'll tell you the answer.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkThere are three kinds of people in this world, those who can count, and those who can not!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat is another word for Thesaurus?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI drive way too fast to worry about my cholesterol.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA bear, a lion and a chicken were having a discussion as to which one of them scares humans the most. "I only have to growl," said the bear, "and people start to get a bit nervous." The lion said, "I just have to roar and people run away." "That's nothing," replied the chicken. "I only have to sneeze and the whole world panics."
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat kind of shoes do you wear to the beach? SANDals!
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy did the belt go to prison? He held up a pair of pants!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkHow many roaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb? You'll never know because when you turn on the light, they scatter!
Tags: misc
PermalinkA special kind of firework with very bright colors and little smoke was accidentally discovered when a man tried to make the atomic bomb safer. That defeats the original purpose.
Tags: tech
PermalinkA taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice. "Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."
Tags: misc
PermalinkA man walks into a doctor's office. He says, "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me! My elbow keeps coming untied. . . my belly button is out of order. . . I can't open my chest. . . I'm losing the leaves in my palm. . . somebody threw my waist in the trash. . . and my foot is only eleven inches!"
Tags: medical
PermalinkQ: What happens when you take a Packard Bell, Windows 95, a grenade and put them together?A: A typical upgrade.
Tags: misc
PermalinkSteve is playing with his 3 friends at his tree in the back garden, and his mum comes out and shouts, "If all four of you fall out of that tree and break both legs, then don't come running to me!"
Tags: children
PermalinkTwo rednecks had just gone fishing and brought in the largest amount of fish they had ever seen. One said to the other, "Did you mark the place where the fishing was so good?""Yes, I put an X on the side of the boat. ""You idiot. That if we were gonna take a different boat next time?"
Tags: idiots
PermalinkOn a trip to see Santa, little Johnny climbed into St. Nick's lap and shared his wish list. Later that day, in another store, there was Santa again! "And what would you like for Christmas?" he asked little Johnny. Shaking his head, Johnny sighed, "You really need to write these things down."
Tags: children
PermalinkWhy don't you find hippopotamuses hiding in trees? They're really good at it.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhat is the similarity between Einstein and Newton? Neither of them ever had a mobile phone!
Tags: tech
PermalinkDo not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: Why are scissors such good dancers? A: Because of their sharp moves.
Tags: misc
PermalinkA calendar â something that goes in one year and out the other.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI was watching my friend instant message. She was talking to a kid that she knew. The kid had lost his hat. I suggested, rather foolishly, to look in his nose. (As a joke, of course) My friend typed this. He then wrote (without seeing the message that my friend wrote) I'm going to look there on Monday.
Tags: misc
PermalinkPeople always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah? When's the last time ya ever heard of anyone who "rested to death?"
Tags: one-liners
Permalinkonce a women was in her home and she heard someone go knock-knock. she said, who's their and the voice said tisha the women said tisha who the voice said tisha me my abcs and she was like is that a ghost. the voice said, i'm your cousin and it was a knock-knock joke. oh the woman said
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkA mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up." The boy looked at her quizzically: "Why does it have to be a secret?"
Tags: family-parents
PermalinkA man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor doctor! I can't eat food through my mouth cause it hurts" The doc says "Try eating through your bum, it might help" A few weeks later the doctor sees the man walking down the road in a very weird way, he asks "Why are you walking like that? Are you hurt?" The man replies "No you fool! I'm chewing a toffie"
Tags: medical
PermalinkWhy can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it'd be a foot!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWith over %d jokes submitted and ranked by users like you, Wocka has the largest collection anywhere on the internet. All of these jokes have been submitted by user like you. Join our community and chat with your fellow commedians and jokers.
Tags: misc
PermalinkSome people have friends who are dwarfs, not me I have a friend who is a midget dwarf. He is the guy who poses for the sport trophys
Tags: medical
PermalinkWhat did the late tomato say to the early tomato? I’ll ketch up
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkMurphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkPappa : jy moet nou soet wees, ek gan jou tottie afkap. Seuntjie : kan ma afkap, want sussie sin is klaar af en omgedop en dit lyk BEFOK!!
Tags: misc
PermalinkA very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
Tags: children
PermalinkTeacher: Johnny, where is your homework? Johnny: Its on Facebook. I've uploaded a copy and tagged you. Please login and verify it later.
Tags: tech
PermalinkA priest was walking down the street when he saw a little boy jumping up and down to try to reach a doorbell. So the priest walked over and pressed the button for the youngster. "And now what, my little man?" he asked. "Now," said the boy, "run like hell!"
Tags: children
PermalinkFive policemen were on a boat. The boat sank. How many policemen died? 10 - five during the accident, and five during the re-enactment.
Tags: at-work
PermalinkTop Ten Changes at NASA to accommodate 76 year-old John Glenn's return to space aboard the shuttle "Discovery:"
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow many amoebas does it take to change a light bulb? 1. No, 2, no, 4, no, 8, no, 16, 32, 64, 128 . . .
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkA mother and a her daughter go to a restaurant for breakfast to celebrate her birthday. The restaurant is known for its imported cheeses. The mother asks, "Would you like some cheese, my angel?" The little girl says,"Sure, but can you take out the holes in the cheese?"
Tags: children
PermalinkThe Chinese say: Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkBaby Brother Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?" His mother says, "Heaven, Johnny." Johnny says, "Geez, I can see why they threw him out."
Tags: children
PermalinkHere's a lighted dynamite stick, please hold it until I get back.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkFred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked. "Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee." "Oh, that's awful!" "You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry..."
Tags: sports
Permalinkwhat's the difference between here and there? The letter T! :) (Take away the T in there and you've got here!)
Tags: misc
PermalinkTo make a long story short, well, it helps if the boss walks in!
Tags: at-work
PermalinkCan you decipher this phrase? cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat Copy cat!
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: One, men will screw anything.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhy does Superman get invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkA little boy asked his mother: Mummy, why are you white and I am black? Don't even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don't bark.
Tags: children
PermalinkHow do you comfort a designer? You give them some space... between the elements.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkMy grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkOne day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?" "Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
Tags: animal
PermalinkMarriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender, not wanting to serve a mushroom, says "Uh uh, I'm not serving no mushroom." "Aw, come on - I'm a fungi!" the mushroom replies.
Tags: bar
Permalink1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die from natural causes. 2. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ: How many strongmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkReal headline: "Air Traffic Controllers Can Apply for Job in Braille"
Tags: at-work
PermalinkWhat's orange and sounds like a parrot? A Carrot.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkQ. What do you call a chicken that crosses the road rolls in dirt and comes back? A. dirty double crosser
Tags: animal
PermalinkQ: How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb? A: None, they like to keep him in the dark.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhy did the functions stop calling each other? Because they had constant arguments.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkHow do you make a hankie dance? Put a little boogie in it.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkIt is said that "it is always in the last place you look" Well of course! Are there some people out there who keep looking after they find it?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow many Dominicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Dominican one to hold the bulb and Dominican two to turn Dominican one
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkCan a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkRoses are red Violets are blue I'm schizophrenic And so am I!
Tags: medical
PermalinkWhere was the Declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkAn American, a Frenchman and a Chinese went to try their echo; the American said, "Good morning," and the echo came back, "Good morninginginging." Then the Frenchman said, "Bon jour," and the echo came back "Bon jourjourjour." Then the Chinese said, "Chang chiong shang zhang hu," and the echo came back, "Whatwhatwhatwhat?"
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat kind of shoes does a thief wear? Sneakers
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhat movie is really the sequel to April Fools? The May-Tricks
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat is black and white and red all over? An embarrassed zebra
Tags: animal
PermalinkKnock Knock Who's there Z Z who? Z taxi is leaving! I don't speak Italian or French or anything of your so-called "Special" Language!*Slams door*
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkQ: How do you sink a canadian submarine? A: You swim underneath it and knock on the door
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA man is playing poker, and sees a sign that says: If You Have A Gambling Problem call 1-800-GAMBLING. So the man calls the hotline and says, "The guy on my right has an ace and a two, I have a three and a jack, there is a four, a five, and a queen on the table, what should I do?"
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy is Mississippi River unusual? Because it has four eyes and can't see!
Tags: puns
PermalinkBecause Lexus created the park it your self car many Mexicans lost their jobs.
Tags: at-work
PermalinkHow do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? You will see one later and one in a while.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhat did the shy pebble wish for? That she was a little boulder.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkYou might be a redneck if you have to haul a paint can to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.
Tags: misc
PermalinkA guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?" The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you." The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat did one nut say as he chased another nut? I'm a cashew!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkQ: Why are cats similar to sentences? A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws; a sentence has pause at the end of its clause.
Tags: puns
PermalinkIf you lend someone $20 and never see that person again... It was probably worth it.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMarriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow many cartoon characters does it take to screw in a light bulb? nine - three to find a light bulb, three to figure out how to remove the old one, three to screw it in, and all of them to complicate it!
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhy do bees hum? Because they don't know the words.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkIn the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: How many IBM engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They merely change the standard to darkness and upgrade the customers.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkThe wife ran into the house, screaming to her actor husband, "Darling, come quick. Your kids and my kids are beating up on our kids!"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhen does running mean walking? When you're running out of gas!
Tags: misc
PermalinkTo tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog. The CAT
Tags: animal
PermalinkA blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
Tags: medical
PermalinkOk Umm Uhh, Ahhh! Oh well, I just forgot what I was gonna say. Man I'm stupid
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy didn't the duck cross the road? To prove he's no chicken.
Tags: animal
PermalinkAlways remember that you are unique, just like everybody else!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy did the book have to go to the hospital? Because it injured its spine.
Tags: medical
PermalinkA young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
Tags: puns
PermalinkI was walking around and I saw somebody selling a shirt that said this: F.B.I. Female Body Inspector
Tags: misc
PermalinkAs an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
Tags: misc
PermalinkTwo wrongs do not make a right, but three rights make a left.
Tags: puns
PermalinkMother: Did you eat all the cookies. Tom? Tom: I didn't touch one. Mother: That's strange. There's only one left. Tom: That's the one I didn't touch.
Tags: children
PermalinkFor immediate issue: Password Security Guidelines V2.2b Due to new security policies, the following guidelines have been issued to assist in choosing new passwords. Please follow them closely. Passwords must conform to at least 21 of the following attributes.
Tags: computers
PermalinkQ: What did the older lightbulb say to the younger lightbulb? A: You're too young to go out tonight.
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhy did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkQ: What do you call a woman with half a brain? A: Gifted
Tags: misc
PermalinkHave you heard about the amazing new discovery? It's a pill that is half aspirin and half glue for people who suffer from splitting headaches.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ. Have you heard of the dyslexic cow who attained enlightenment? A. It kept on repeating OOOOMMM!
Tags: animal
PermalinkOnce a bird pooped on me, so I threw it back.
Tags: animal
PermalinkDid you know that protons have mass? I didn't even know they were catholic.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkKnock-Knock? Who's there? Alison. Alison who? Alison (I listen) to the radio sometimes!
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkA golf ball is a golf ball, no matter how you putt it.
Tags: puns
PermalinkHarry walks into his supervisor's office. "Boss," he says, "We're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, Harry," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says Harry, "I knew I could count on you!"
Tags: at-work
PermalinkAn Englishman, a Scott, and a Irishman walked into a pub.Each orderd a pint of beer . Then a fly landed in each one's beer . The Englishman, turning slightly green, pushed his beer away and asked for another one .The Scott took the fly out ,shrugged, and drank his beer . The Irisman pinched the flybetween his fingers and yelled " SPIT IT OUT! "SPIT IT OUT!"
Tags: deep-thoughts
PermalinkCathy was looking through the window of a clothes store when she spotted a pair of short-shorts. "Wow, these pants are half off!" she told her uncle. Her uncle said "They should be, they are only a half pair of pants."
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow do you catch a unique rabbit? You nique up on it! How do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way!
Tags: animal
PermalinkQ. what is more diffucult than getting a pregnant elephant in your car? A. getting an elephant pregnant in your car
Tags: misc
PermalinkKnock, knock! Who's there? Delores. Delores who? Delores my shepherd...
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkMarble is a valuable building material and should not be taken for granite.
Tags: puns
PermalinkQ: Why do black people have white hands? A: Everyone has a little good in them
Tags: misc
PermalinkTwo kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat. The first kid said, "My dad is so scared that, when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed." "Oh, yeah? That's nothing," said the second kid. "My dad is so scared that, when my mom has to work the night shift, he goes next door to sleep with Mrs. Jones!"
Tags: children
PermalinkHow many gay people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 8, one to screw it in, and seven to stand back and say "Fabulous!"
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkA man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him. "You, sir, are drunk!" "And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"
Tags: bar
PermalinkKnock-Knock Who's there? Me DUHH!!
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkTop 26 ways to deal with Stressful Lives
Tags: heaven-and-hell
PermalinkOne day in summer, Jack was going to visit his friend John. When he got to his house, he saw John, who was dressed in his warmest winter coats. "What are you doing? Are you nuts? It's the middle of summer!" cried Jack. "I am painting my house. And on the can, it says you must put two coats on."
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat do you do when you see a Mexican riding a bike? Throw a stone at him, it's your bike!
Tags: misc
PermalinkThere were some kids playing hopscotch and they were allowed to skip so when the winner was on 8 it went straight to 10
Tags: puns
PermalinkA group of American tourists were on a guided tour through an ancient castle in Europe. "Ladies and gentlemen," the guide said, "this castle is over 700 years old. Nothing has been altered or touched in all those years." "Sounds like they have the same cheap landlord I have!" exclaimed one of the tourists.
Tags: misc
PermalinkThe first TV remote control, introduced in 1950, was called Lazy Bones. Lemon sharks can give birth to about 36 babies at one time. The top of the Empire State Building was originally built as a place to anchor blimps. The area code in Cape Canaveral, Fl, is 321.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkI started a new business making yachts in my attic this year... The sails are going through the roof.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkQ: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None 'o yo' freakin' business! A: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhat can you break without saying its' name? Silence...Shhh!
Tags: misc
PermalinkA boy go to a girls house and notice her home is very messy and full of paper and clay pot and clothing all over. The boy tell her he bring some pot to her and she answer there is clay pot all over home.
Tags: puns
PermalinkA dozen, a gross, and a score Plus three times the square root of four Divided by seven Plus five times eleven Is nine squared and not a bit more.
Tags: college
PermalinkWhat do you give to a lemon in need? Lemonaid.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkOK, let's consider the physical evidence. The moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the Earth every year. Do the math and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs; the tallest ones, anyway
Tags: animal
PermalinkA girl and her best friend were at a cafe. The girl said her boyfriend finally told her about marriage. Her best friend asked her what he said. "He is married and has 3 kids," she replied.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhere does a Dog go when he loses his tail? Answer: A retailer
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's missing? ch_ _ ch U R you are
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy are pirates called pirates? Because they arrr!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkI've been following the ongoing Evolution vs Intelligent Design controversy, and as a card-carrying botanist, I'm a very strong supporter of Darwin. But still, there are things in life that rational science simply cannot explain. Like Paris Hilton...
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Wizards don't use lightbulbs!
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkThe phone rings in the maternity ward. Upon answering, the duty midwife is told by a man "Mrs Jones is about to give birth, her contractions are just 3 minutes apart!" The midwife asks "Is this her first Child?" Bemused, the man says "No, don't be daft, this is her Husband!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace. (Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight. They consider this joke to be a disgrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.)
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkHow many moves, at least, are required to checkmate in chess? Four moves. 1.f4 e5 2.g4 Qh4#
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat is the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ. Why would Snow White be a good judge? A.Because she's the fairest in the land.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy can't a bicycle stand on its own? It's two-tired.
Tags: classic, general
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