What do you call an iron/carbon alloy that never gets embarrassed? Shameless steel
Tags: one-liners
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What do you call an iron/carbon alloy that never gets embarrassed? Shameless steel
Tags: one-liners
Permalink'Do Not Touch' Must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA scientist announced he managed to cool something down to absolute zero. It was 0K.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink- Dad, can I borrow 10 pounds? - 15 pounds? Why do you need 20 pounds?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf a kid asks where rain comes from, I tell him, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, I tell him, "Probably because of something you did."
Tags: misc
PermalinkIn Europe, they don't call it the "Friend Zone" They call it the "Pal Region"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe only person in our town who can afford to go on a jaguar is a zoo-keeper.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkEvery single morning I get hit by the same bike. It's a vicious cycle.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDid you know that 18 out of 10 people don't understand fractions?
Tags: misc
PermalinkFun fact: You can’t breathe correctly while smiling. Just kidding, I made you smile :)
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI have the heart of a lion, the eyes of an eagle. and a lifetime ban from the zoo
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkNo one is listening to you until you make a mistake.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy dad's bread factory burnt down. Now his business is toast
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkNever take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHave you ever tried to eat a clock? It's time consuming.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTo the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero... Thanks for nothing.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkYou don't have to go faster than the bear, you just have to go faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDogs can't operate an Mri machines... But catscan
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy is Empire Strikes Back the best Star Wars movie? It's a perfect 5/7.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI can't stand those stupid people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn". Stupid firemen.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a Cuban Atheist? Infidel Castro.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhen cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe Calbuco volcano is very hot right now... But everything around it is Chile.
Tags: one-liners, science
PermalinkI just met the lead singer of Mushroomhead. He seems like a fungi
Tags: one-liners, music
PermalinkLife is full of uncertainties...or could I be wrong about that?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy didn't the green pepper practice archery? Because it didn't habanero.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do ducks smoke? Qwack
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA man holding a large block of asphalt walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "A beer for me, and one for the road."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 didn't have a removable battery and blew up in everybody's pocket
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat a do a bunch of people in Brazil speak? Portuguese. What does just one Brazilian speak? Portugoose.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy daughter told me to treat her like a princess... so I made her marry a man she has never met before in order to secure an alliance with France.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI asked God for a car, but I know God doesn't work that way... So, I stole a car and asked for forgiveness.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI have mixed opinions on Asia as a whole. For starters, while South Korea is absolutely lively, the rest of Asia is completely Seoulless!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat does baby volcano say to his volcano mom? Magma.
Tags: one-liners, science
PermalinkHow many vegans does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger? One if nobody's looking.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do farmers party? They turnip the beets.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDon't you dare hit that drum again! If you do, there will be repercussions!
Tags: one-liners, music
PermalinkWhy did the Egyptians build the pyramids? To get to the other side.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy can't two elephants go swimming? -They only have one pair of trunks.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA group of introverts is called an oxymoron. Please help me
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI can totally relate to batteries. I'm not included in anything either.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy did Boba Fett work alone? Because he was hunting Solo.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call someone with no body and just a nose ? Nobody knows
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd.. I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI’m broke, sad and a disappointment to my parents. But at least I’m not in debt. That’s the one thing I’m given credit for
Tags: one-liners, money
PermalinkI wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 Shades of Grey... For example, the one where she gets a job right out of college.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy don't Jedi Knights use the Kelvin scale? Only a Sith deals in absolutes.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA grizzly walks to the checkout line with salmon and honey. The clerk says, "Gotcha. Just the bear necessities."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy daughter has a math test on Roman numerals. I told her I hope she gets a "C".
Tags: one-liners, math
PermalinkI recently ran an ultra marathon in northern Sweden... I realised that I had gone way off course as soon as I crossed the Finnish line.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe creator of WinRAR was arrested and put on trial. The trial was supposed to last 40 days, but it keeps on going
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do you measure the quality of a dadjoke? With a sighsmograph
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat does 50 Cent call himself in Russia? 50,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 rubles
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe professor gave me a C on my Latin exam... Aced it!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy don't aliens visit Earth? Bc we have 1 star rating...
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkCopper is the only element that have eyes. Becuase it can Cu.
Tags: one-liners, science
PermalinkIf you have a bee in your hand what do you have in your eye? Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA Man Claimed I stole His Guitar. I told him his accusations were bassless.
Tags: one-liners, music
PermalinkDon’t date a calculus teacher. They’re gonna replace u
Tags: one-liners, math
PermalinkWhy did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the butcher
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat do you get when you cross a hurricane with a cruise ship full of 1990's boy bands? Washed up musicians.
Tags: one-liners, music
PermalinkWhen I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15."
Tags: misc
PermalinkHumor can be dissected, as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy horse was way more aggressive than usual today. it threw me off
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy are Taylor Swift's songs always a hit? (WARNING POKEMON JOKE) Because swift never misses.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTwo sausages were in a pan.One sausage turns to the other and says, "Man, Its getting hot in here."The other sausage screams and says, "AH! A talking sausage!!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkSay what you want about Floyd Mayweather. He can't read it anyway
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat does German cereal say when it sees the milk in the morning? Gluten-tag
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkWhat kind kind of triangle is a tortilla chip? An i-salsa-les triangle
Tags: one-liners, math
PermalinkLawyers creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI’ve made a website for depressed tennis players... The servers are currently down...
Tags: one-liners, sports
PermalinkHow many american rugby fans does it take to change a lightbulb? Both of them
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkJust saw on the news that Apple is suing Samsung: They claim that the Galaxy S3 has copied concepts used on the iPhone 6.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIn a place without geometry life is pointless.
Tags: one-liners, math
PermalinkWhat did the evil fraction say? You will never stop my plans for world denomination.
Tags: one-liners, math
PermalinkDetective 1: I think the accountant did it. I found a calculator at the crime scen. Detective 2: that adds up
Tags: one-liners, money
PermalinkFishermen hate him—you'll never guess this one strange item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else. Click bait
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI received a letter stating I have outstanding debt. I thought, “Why yes, it is pretty fantastic!”
Tags: one-liners, money
PermalinkI could never cheat in a relationship... Because that would require two people to find me attractive.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI found a way to make a horse stand perfectly still. Place a bet on him.
Tags: animal
PermalinkMy buddy just lost his job at a cinema that only shows Pixar films... He forgot to show Up
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI called up GameStop customer support. They told me to hold.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkRick Astley will lend you any of the Pixar films in his collection, except one. He's never gonna give you Up.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTHIS JUST IN!!!!! Corduroy pillows are making headlines.........
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI didn't lose my mind, I just let it wander and it never came back. I miss it so much.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's a pirates favourite letter? P, because without it they're irate
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA kid said to his Dad, "In school I learned Pluto is in outerspace. But they didn't say where Mickey is."
Tags: misc
PermalinkIsn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did everyone do after the Super Bowl was over? Watch the second half.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkJust when you get really good at something, you don't need to do it any more.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe Russian Navy has announced that it's commissioning glass-bottom warships. ...so they can keep an eye on the Russian Air Force.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI burnt 1200 calories yesterday! Forgot to take the pizza out of the oven...
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat? Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWho is a grain harvester's favorite musical artist? Hall'n Oates
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhen life hands you melons... You might be dyslexic.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's is the difference between ignorance and negligence? I don't know and I don't care.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat does a hockey game and an airboat have in common? Loud fans
Tags: one-liners, sports
PermalinkWhat is Green Arrow's superpower? He can turn left whenever he wants.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe creator of winrar is arrested. His trial is expected to last forever
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkGotta give credit to spiders... They're the only web-developers out there that actually enjoy finding bugs.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkCan radio be an addiction? Depends on the frequency.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkFrom the 7 year old nephew: Why didn't the volcano eat dinner? Because its plates were broken.
Tags: one-liners, science
PermalinkIt's so easy, it makes pie look hard.
Tags: animal
PermalinkIf I had a dime for every math problem I get wrong. I'd have $1.46
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI failed my calculus exam because I was sitting between two identical twins. It was impossible to differentiate between them.
Tags: one-liners, math
PermalinkMy biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab, the results speak for themselves
Tags: one-liners, science
PermalinkThe Artist. I just saw a group of people who were watching an artist sketch all of them in his book. The man was good too, he really knew how to draw a crowd.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat kind of music do they play at Stonehenge? Hard Rock.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHeard about Cuban Santa? He's makin' a list... chicken and rice...
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat’s Sisyphus’ least favorite band? Rolling Stones
Tags: one-liners, music
Permalinkwhat did the optometrist say to the tiny Australian insect? "good eye, mite"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Tags: misc
PermalinkDo you know how to make $20B in the Tech business? Start with $44B
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat kind of dessert comes out of a musical volcano? Bach Lava
Tags: one-liners, science
PermalinkWhat is the best power tool to love? A Sawzall. Because it will reciprocate.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow -- even during a hurricane! -- here is a valuable tip: Your life is in trouble.
Tags: sports
PermalinkI just fired my sioux chef because I found out he lied on his resume. Turns out he's navajo.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow old was the cave man on his birthday? Stone Age
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a hacker who can see the future? A 4chan teller.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy was the sick eagle thrown into prison? It was ill-eagle.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIn Arkansas, it is illegal to say the word Arkansas incorrectly.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you... You have my word
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDid you here about the giant with a nosebleed? It was all over town
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkEagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhen I was young, I thought rich people owned Bose music systems and the rest of us had Sony products. Turns out those were just stereotypes.
Tags: one-liners, music
PermalinkWhy buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Tags: misc
PermalinkI wanted to tell you all about a color I made up..... but, as it turns out, it was just a pigment of my imagination.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkFireplace! Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire. That made my father very mad, as we didn’t have a fireplace
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkNever forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAlways remember that you are unique, just like everybody else!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMet a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home. I guess he's homeless.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators. I'm taking steps to avoid them.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a cow spying on another cow? A steak out
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkWhy is the hipster sweating? Because he wore a scarf before it was cool.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow to avoid clickbait? clearly, you wouldn't know...
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's Cat. The librarian said "That rings a bell but I don't know if it's here or not."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy is the word abbreviation so long?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSoftware architects should never design high security fences. They’re likely to make them highly scalable.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI don’t like blunt arrow heads. They are pointless.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words... Lazy
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI don't just like Australian cars. I'm beholden to them
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI tripped and hit my head on a snare drum. I think I have a percussion.
Tags: one-liners, music
PermalinkWhat is the longest word in the Spanish language? Goooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllll
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing? and delivery
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkNormal people believe that "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Engineers believe that "If it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI drive way too fast to worry about my cholesterol.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkOpera: where somebody gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, sings.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right back, way too expensive and really bad quality
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy boss said, "Have a good day"... So I went home.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDid you guys hear about the globe that got pressed flat into vinyl album? Yeah, it was a world record.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy friend just gave me a presentation on why I should invest in his sword making business. He made some excellent points.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call an aging actor who has finally paid off his house? Mortgage freeman.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDid you guys hear about the kid getting arrested for bringing a clock to school? Sources say that the teachers were alarmed.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, "Well, this changes everything"
Tags: one-liners
Permalink5 years from now it'll be 2020... I can see it now... That's a perfect vision joke.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy are New Yorkers so depressed?? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did the valley girl say when her pen ran out of ink? I LITERALLY CAN'T EVEN WRITE NOW
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIs that a mirror in your jeans? Because I can see myself in them.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy friend says he has the body of a Greek god... I had to explain to him that Buddha wasn't Greek.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am...Can you believe that, 2:30am!? Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI got mugged by 6 dwarves . not Happy.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIs it wrong to hate a certain race? I don't mind running a 5k, but my friends want to run in a 10k and I don't like 10ks
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkNobody was scared when the clown invasion started at the beach. ”I mean, it’s just one boat” they said. ”How bad can it be?”.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI got fired from my job as a taxi driver. Turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI recently had a heated debate with a mathematician about fractions. It's fair to say that our opinions were divided
Tags: one-liners, math
PermalinkI'll never forget the words of my late Grandfather... "Sorry I'm late."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI put a sticker of a cricket on our pontoon top. I call him Bimini Cricket
Tags: one-liners, sports
PermalinkI like my anxiety like I like my distancing: Social, behind a mask, and away from people.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do you explain counterclockwise to a kid who grew up with a digital watch?
Tags: misc
PermalinkI think I want a job cleaning mirrors. It's just something I could really see myself doing.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSaid the pig to his pop, "There's the candy shop. Oh, please Let's go inside." "And I promise I won't make a kid of myself if you give me a people-back ride."
Tags: misc
PermalinkIt's crazy how sexist the postal service is. I guess that's natural with such a mail dominated industry.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkCereal first or milk first? Neither. Bowl first.
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkI was confident I could win the duel until my opponent swung his sword at my ankles. Alas, I was de-feeted.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy are volcanoes so jolly? Whenever they hear a joke, they erupt with laughter
Tags: one-liners, science
PermalinkDreams are like underpants. You've got 'em, but you can't prove you do by showing it to everyone.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink"Mom, i'm in the hospital." "Jeremy, you have been a doctor for 8 years now please stop starting every phone conversation with that."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy did the pencil cross the road? It was lead!
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhen I awoke from the accident and they told me my fingers were broken... it was hard to grasp.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHave you noticed since most people have a camcorder these days there are not as many people talking about seeing UFOs as there use to be?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow can you tell when an alto is trying to break into your house? They can’t find the key and they don’t know where to come in.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDown with the metric system. No more foreign rulers!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTwo criminals stole a calendar. They got six months each
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy neighbor is loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels
Tags: one-liners
Permalinkwhat do you call a sick Eagle? -An illEagle-
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat’s the difference between a physicist and a physician? A physicist is busy before firing a catapult; the physician is busy after.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhen everything's coming up roses, it's time to celebrate. But, when everything's coming up daisies, it's time to mourn.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAfter some investigation, I discovered some cracks in the hearth of my fireplace. In other words, it’s having a mantle breakdown
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI am friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?
Tags: crazy-jokes
PermalinkWhat do you call a failed Cuban space program? Castro naught.
Tags: one-liners, science
PermalinkWhat do you call an excited fireplace? Stoked.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI miss my old zoology teacher: Mrs. Turtle. Unusual name for a teacher, but she tortoise well.
Tags: one-liners
Permalinkif Lays had invented air hockey. it would be just air
Tags: one-liners, sports
PermalinkA bus carrying a jazz band has broke down on the highway. Witnesses are reporting a massive jam
Tags: one-liners, music
PermalinkWhy are ships' portholes round? So that if they break, water doesn't hit you square in the face.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a wandering caveman? A Meanderthal.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI had a dream last night that I had a Magnesium deficiency.. I was like 0Mg
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhen you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhy did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?New Jersey got to pick first.
Tags: misc
PermalinkInstead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning. I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkI got hit in the head with a can of Dr. Pepper today. Luckily I’m not hurt, it was a soft drink
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy grandfather has the heart of a lion, ... and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh zoo.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI tried to explain what integers are. It was pointless
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI thought this guy on the subway was yawning. Turns out he was just a mute sitting on a tack.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhich side of a cheetah has the most spots? The outside.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkA baby's laugh is one of the most beautiful things a person can hear unless it's 3 a.m., and you're home alone, and you don't have any kids.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy do Java programmers need glasses? Because they can't C#.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call the single grain of corn on the tree? Acorn
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat is Will Smith's favorite type of forensic evidence? Fresh prints.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI tried for years to snap my thumb and finger together - and suddenly it clicked!
Tags: puns
PermalinkSimba was moving too slowly. So i told him to Mufasa
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkFood is like dark humor. not every one gets it.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkVoldemort: So I just have to lie? Pinocchio: Yep
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHey! I recognize you! You're the third one over on the evolutionary scale!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhere did the frugal judge sent the criminal? To the pennytentiary.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy does Karl Marx hate earl grey? Because all proper tea is theft.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat’s it called when a tractor waits for a pedestrian to cross? Crop yield
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI redid my entire house with mirrors... You could say it really reflects who I am.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkBoss makes a dollar, I make a dime. It's just another day at the United States Bureau of Engraving and Printing.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy house-mate is terrified of negative numbers. He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's E.T. short for? So he can fit in his spaceship.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy does nobody like a rich stone? Because he takes everything for granite.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIt is illegal to stick coins in your ears in the state of Hawaii.
Tags: misc
PermalinkI'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.
Tags: tech
PermalinkIt's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France; otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom. A pick pocket snatches watches.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did the fish say, when he posted bail? I'm off the hook
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a monk with a philosophy degree? A deep friar.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWelcome to plastic surgery anonymous. I'm seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week and I have to say i'm really disappointed.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkConfidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a race over lava? A heated competition
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI don't always listen to heavy metal, but when I do so do the neighbors.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy couldn’t the sailor play cards? Because the captain was standing on the deck
Tags: one-liners
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