Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• Why do The Brit’s still use ‘u’ in words like “colour” and “armour”? Because Rick Astley is British.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says, "five beers, please."

  Tags: one-liners

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• 99 little bugs in the code... 99 bugs in the code. Fix one bug, compile it down. 167 little bugs in the code....sigh.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I hate the misuse of Latin phrases and vice versa.

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• My roommates get angry when I steal their kitchen utensils. But frankly, thats a whisk I'm willing to take.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wish conversations were like user agreements where I could skip to the end and just agree.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is spiderman so good at comebacks? Because with great power comes great response ability.

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• In a messed up family, the child named Hope is goth, and the child named Faith is atheist.

  Tags: misc

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• Alcohol is not always the answer but it’s worth a shot.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear of the man with the same first and last name? It was a Nguyen, Nguyen situation.

  Tags: one-liners

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• It's always a good idea to make friends with babies. That's free cake once a year for a lifetime.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• The skeleton walked into the bar and asked, "Can I have a beer and a mop?"

  Tags: bar

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• Period- The thing at the end of a sentence.

  Tags: misc

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• What do you call a Belgian businessman? An Antwerp-eneur!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've just won the 2013 'Most secretive person' award. I can't tell you how much it means to me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is it not good to play tennis in a court? Because you might get arrested.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex? My ex.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.

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• You know that you're a really boring person when someone steals your identity and then tries to give it back.

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• Apparently they're removing the essay section from the SAT. Now it's just going to be called the T.

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• How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb? Who wants to know?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does a metal frog say? Rivet.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• BREAKING: Due to inflation, Dollar Tree will be changing it’s name to Tree Dollar.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you sneak up on celery? You stalk it.

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• How do you remember to put on deodorant every morning? I don't know but you probably shouldn't come near me

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• I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”. He said, “Try the ATM outside”

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• To the guy that invented zero... Thanks for nothing.

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• You’ll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor! Everybody.

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• A man has been found guilty of overusing commas. The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.

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• What did the verb say when the words have, has, and had were removed from the English language? "Nobody's perfect!"

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• I just gave my cat some 7UP. Now he's got 16 lives.

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• When I play rock, paper, scissors, people think I always choose scissors. They're wrong. I'm actually flashing a peace sign. Stop the violence.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

  Tags: family-parents

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• What if there were no hypothetical questions?Why does the word 'monosyllabic' have so many syllables?

  Tags: misc

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• Two silk worms are in a wrestling match. It ended in a tie.

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• The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.

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• Customer: Waiter, I’m in a hurry! Will the pancakes be long? Waiter: No sir, round.

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• 365.25 days on a low-calorie diet - 1 lite year

  Tags: misc

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• I'm optimistically single. My bed is half full.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Just saw on the news that Apple is suing Samsung: They claim that the Galaxy S3 has copied concepts used on the iPhone 6.

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• I got so drunk the other night that I lost my glasses. The rest is a blur.

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• The best time to open a gift is the present.

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• I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000... I can’t stand it!

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• What do you call a girl who stands in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.

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• Human drinks a Vampire's blood. Out of curiosity, the Vampire asks what it tastes like. "It's irony."

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• Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? She will Let It Go!

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• Old photographers never die, they just go out of focus!

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• I'm going to freeze myself -273.15°. My friends are worried, but i will be 0K

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• I stayed up all night trying to think of a joke. And then it dawned on me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I always give 110%. Oops. Left out the decimal point. I always give 1.10%.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• The computer, the greatest invention in life even though it's bad for you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Intelligence is like an underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you're here for the yodeling lesson. please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

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• How do you get three old ladies to say the "F" word? Yell "BINGO!"

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• I'm not trying to boss you around just do what I say.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

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• I don't understand why people spoil movies... What's their endgame?

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• If i got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I'd have $ 6.30 now

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• If at first you don't succeed, we have a lot in common.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The Calbuco volcano is very hot right now... But everything around it is Chile.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• 100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses. Oh how the stables have turned

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• How do farmers party? They turnip the beets.

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• Hey girl, are you my Physics examination paper? Because I can stare at you for 3 hours and not understand a single thing

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• I went to an Art Gallery, it was $60 to enter and $80 to look at each picture. It was called Electronic Arts.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I want to be a millionaire just like my dad!! “Wow, your dad’s a millionaire?” “No, but he always wanted to be.”

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• I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons. I think I have telekinieces.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If the earth really is flat. Wouldn't cats have pushed everything off the edge by now?

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• You never have to worry about love at first sight if you steadfastly keep looking at your phone.

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• They say you are what you eat... today I bought some ready to eat chicken and sure enough I was ready to eat chicken.

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• Courtesy of my 6yo daughter: What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth? A Flossiraptor

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• What do you call a Cult that is hard to get into? Difficult

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• If a short psychic broke out of jail, then you'd have a small medium at large.

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• What’s the key to a good mailman joke? The delivery.

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• The American school system is very disorganised and poorly run. I guess school really does prepare you for the real world

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• How do you milk sheep? Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1000 for it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many ants does it take to rent a house? Ten ants

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• Did you hear that you can buy iron and carbon for the price of just 1 alloy? What a steel!

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• He always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.

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• Want to see all the decimal digits of Pi? They are {0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9}, and there are no others!

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you make a trombone sound like a French Horn? Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

  Tags: misc

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• Shouldn't you be on top of the tree, Angel?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I would tell a swimming joke, but I think it's too watered-down to be funny.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• What kind of cookies make you rich? Fortune cookies!

  Tags: one-liners, food, money

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• What does a guy with 2 right feet wear to the beach? Flop-Flops

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have like 50 jokes about the unemployed. Trouble is, none of them work.

  Tags: one-liners

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• In France, do you know why they only eat one egg at breakfast time? Because one egg is enough

  Tags: one-liners

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• We can copy any document for you. We do not require the original.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• From the 7 year old nephew: Why didn't the volcano eat dinner? Because its plates were broken.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone

  Tags: one-liners

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• So the iPhone 7 gets arrested... He puts on his earpods and smugly declares "sorry, you can't charge me while I'm using my headphones".

  Tags: one-liners

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• A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why isn't there a tax on stuff I DON'T like?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Dinosaur Fact. Towards the end of the Jurassic period, the Thesaurus was the first Dinosaur to become extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

  Tags: one-liners

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• -40° outside sounds brutally cold, Fahrenheit or Celsius. My friend Kelvin just rolled his eyes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code. He refused to comment

  Tags: one-liners

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• REMINDER: If you have promised your SO that you will love them 24/7. Today is 24/7

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

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• Never catch snowflakes on your tongue. until all the birds have gone south for the winter!

  Tags: one-liners

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• You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Does anyone know how to avoid click bait? Apparently not.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I hugged someone once and they expected it every time they saw me. I'll never do that again.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Overall, I'd say my career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why don't people in Athens wake up early? Because dawn is tough on Greece

  Tags: one-liners

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• Is your name Wi-Fi? Because I'm feeling a connection.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• What do arrows and young ladies have in common? They're all aquiver in the presence of a beau.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why does the Norwegian military have barcodes on its ships? So when they return to the harbor they can Scandinavian.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Every time I hear the dirty word "Exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

  Tags: misc

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• Obi Wan: Yoda, you en-route? Yoda: Off course I am!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Today I ended a long term relationship. I don't really care though, it wasn't mine.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My account got hacked. If you get a DM about meat from me, don't click on it. It's spam

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• What ethnicity is Santa? North Poleish

  Tags: one-liners

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• If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was watching Jurassic park the other day.. . when I thought "not only does my son have a really stupid name, he ́s also a terrible driver"

  Tags: one-liners

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• A baby's laugh is one of the most beautiful things a person can hear unless it's 3 a.m., and you're home alone, and you don't have any kids.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing... Probably because it's a Dell

  Tags: one-liners

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• Computers will never be completely "Idiot Proof" because Idiots continue to be so resourceful.

  Tags: computers

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• Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have this weird talent where I can identify what's inside a wrapped present. It's a gift.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The NSA. A government organization that actually listens to you!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't just like Australian cars. I'm beholden to them

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a werewolf that doesn't know he's a werewolf? An unawarewolf.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My Math teacher told me 0! = 1. But my computer teacher told me 0 != 1

  Tags: one-liners

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• Beggar. I saw a beggar sleeping in a tyre. I punctured it . Now he is staying in a flat.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You can't tell me what to do, you're not my dog.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician! I was just sitting there doing nothing!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm here for whatever you need me to do from the couch.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Whoever said nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When everything is coming your way, you're on the wrong side of the freeway.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Can you conquer the largest continent on earth? No, but Genghis Khan!

  Tags: one-liners

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• How to call a line of people waiting to buy the new Barbie doll at a toy store? Barbecue

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why don't Ewoks yell inside? Because they use their Endor voices!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Interviewer - Okay, describe yourself in 3 words. Lazy

  Tags: one-liners

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• Courtesy of my seven year-old son: What do cows call their clothes? Moo

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call recycled calculus jokes? Derivative humor.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

  Tags: one-liners

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• They say "don't try this at home" so I'm coming over to your house to try it...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Who makes the best acoustic guitars in the world? Martin! Martin who? Martin, luthier king.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• What do you call a man with 6,022 x 10^23 dollars? A Moleionaire

  Tags: one-liners

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• I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A Sheep, a Drum, and a Snake fall off a cliff. Baa-Dumm-Tsss

  Tags: one-liners

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• Rabbits don't know Addition or Subtraction but. they sure do know how to Multiply .

  Tags: one-liners

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• I watched hockey before it was cool. They basically were swimming.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• I know every single digit of pi! I just don't have them in the right order.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Whenever i have a headache,i take two asprins and keep away the children,like the bottle says

  Tags: one-liners

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• Does music make you think? It made Stevie wonder...

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• I put a blank tape in my TV and turned the volume all the way up. The mime next door went crazy and called the cops.

  Tags: misc

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• When is a retiree's bedtime? Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Men who walk in front of car get tired. Men who walk in back of car get exhausted.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I will never date a girl who doesn’t understand algebra jokes. That’s why my x is no longer in the equation

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• i really like the name saturn. it has a nice ring to it

  Tags: one-liners

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• Happy Halloween... Why did the Ghost enter the bar... For the BOOOOS

  Tags: one-liners

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• Do Roman paramedics refer to an IV as a four?

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• The creator of WinRAR was arrested and put on trial. The trial was supposed to last 40 days, but it keeps on going

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• Your family tree must be a cactus ... Because everyone on it is a prick.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a snowman in July? A puddle.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.

  Tags: one-liners

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• There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who thought they knew what the punchline would be, and those who are now searching for the original joke.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Teacher: Why are you late?Webster: Because of the sign.Teacher: What sign?Webster: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

  Tags: misc

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• I hear some rich guy wants to build a tavern at the top of Mount Everest. Talk about raising the bar high!

  Tags: puns

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• Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan? Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Officer! That guy threw sodium chloride at me! Police officer: That's a salt!

  Tags: one-liners

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• My dad never really loved me as a child. I can't really blame him though ; I wasn't born until he was an adult.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Recursion

  To understand recursion, you must first understand recursion.

  Tags: tech, one-liner

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• I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sorry I'm late but I wanted to make sure I missed most of it.

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• - Dad, can I borrow 10 pounds? - 15 pounds? Why do you need 20 pounds?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Would a fly that loses its wings be called a walk?

  Tags: misc

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• I have a great joke about social anxiety. Who am I kidding? You'll hate it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

  Tags: one-liners

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• You might be a teacher if you have an overwhelming urge to nod and say, "Now I understand why your kid is the way he/she is," after meeting the parents.

  Tags: one-liners

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• In accordance to the Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle of Quantum Mechanics, we may already be in love right now.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I may be bad at telling jokes, but... I am amazing at clickbait.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I had a dream last night that I had a Magnesium deficiency.. I was like 0Mg

  Tags: one-liners

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• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

  Tags: one-liners

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• An ad at the zoo: ‘Don't scare the ostriches! The floors are concrete!'

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. We don't address hardware issues.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is Antarctica the least corrupt continent? Because it has justice

  Tags: one-liners

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• For Americans - let me break down today's Glenn Maxwell cricket innings from Australia. Australia is a country and a continent.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I got called pretty yesterday and it felt good! Actually, the full sentence was "You're pretty annoying." but I'm choosing to focus on the positive.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the otter want to work at NASA? So he could go to Otter Space.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters? Because they are filled with anty bodies.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil? A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok

  Tags: one-liners

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• If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY. That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've just been fired from the clock making factory. after all those extra hours I put in.

  Tags: one-liners

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• In Arkansas, it is illegal to say the word Arkansas incorrectly.

  Tags: misc

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• Hackers brought down my online business but I managed to keep the website address and that's domain thing.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• My buddy just lost his job at a cinema that only shows Pixar films... He forgot to show Up

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a bear that has been to Antarctica and the North Pole? A bipolar bear

  Tags: one-liners

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• Miley Cyrus is a strictly american phenomenon... most everywhere else in the world, she'd be Kilometery Cyrus

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are Taylor Swift's songs always a hit? (WARNING POKEMON JOKE) Because swift never misses.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I might drive you crazy, but at least I'll take the scenic route.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What kind of computer is the best singer? A dell

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• Kids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

  Tags: misc

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• Why do they have bar codes on the returning Swedish fleet? So they can Scandinavian.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Since workaholics are people addicted to work and chocaholics are people addicted to chocolate, are catholics people addicted to cats?

  Tags: puns

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• It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My ex-gf invited me to her wedding. Told her I was busy, will be there next time

  Tags: one-liners

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• My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I spent four years at college and didn't learn anything... It's really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.

  Tags: one-liners

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• In Soviet Russia, you rob banks... in Capitalist America, banks rob you!

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Sometimes you are the dog. Sometimes you are the hydrant

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sometimes people with a lot of cents have little sense.

  Tags: puns

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• "What makes you qualified to be a waiter" I feel like I bring a lot to the table

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you ever feel your job is meaningless... Just remember that it's somebody's job to install turn signals to BMW's

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B

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• I would hug you, but I would rather wait until I'm covered in syrup. And until you have nicer clothes on. -Toddlers

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• What did the pirate say when he found someone? I sea you!

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• I asked my boss if I can come to work a little late today. He said “Dream on.” I think that was really nice of him.

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• I poured my root beer into a square cup. Now I've just got beer.

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• My friend, Ming, told me that I would look more professional if I stop wearing my funny bow tie. I responded, "But I am nothing without my comedic tie, Ming."

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• if stealing kids is kidnapping,is stealing adults oldnapping?

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• I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday, I beat the raining champion.

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• I've calculated the name for the next Fast Furious movie... Fast 10: Your Seatbelts

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• A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

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• A straight face and a sincere-sounding "Huh?" have gotten me out of more trouble than I can remember.

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• If someone says, "A penny for your thoughts,", and you give them your two cents worth, what happens to the other penny?

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• It's okay Microsoft Excel even my love life is not responding.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• I was reading through the dictionary the other day I couldn't believe what I found. Nothing starts with N.

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• I always knock on the fridge before I open it. Just in case there's a salad dressing.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

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• Why can't a chicken coop have more than two doors? Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

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• How do you comfort a grieving sushi chef? Wasabi for your loss.

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• Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• If atheism was a business, what kind of business would it be? A Non-Prophet organization.

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• What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze pilots say to his students? Watch closely. I’m only going to do this once.

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• I saw my neighbour going outside again and again to check his mailbox. When I asked why is he doing that, he replied - My computer says I have got mail.

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• To be Frank... I'd have to change my name

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• If you sin 90 times you'll only be caught 45 times. Because Sin 90 = Cot 45

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• I wanted to be an astronaut but my parents told me the sky was the limit.

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• Just got my ticket to the Fibonacci convention! I hear this year is going to be as big as the last 2 put together.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do they say "be there or be square"? because if you are square, you are not around.

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