Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• How do you spell candy with two letters? C and Y

  Tags: one-liners

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• At school I graduated second to a lamp, he was too bright for me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• RIP to my good friend Brian eaten by a pack of dyslexic zombies :(

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• While I was shopping, I saw an ad in a window. It said, “Television for $1, volume stuck on full.”. There’s no way I can turn that down.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello? Konnichihuahua

  Tags: one-liners

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• I can't play loud music on any instrument. It's just not my forte.

  Tags: one-liners

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• It's incredible how many French words are now used in the English language. There's 'Hors D'oeuvres' for starters.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...

  Tags: one-liners

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• To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've seen a meteor shower, but never seen a meteor take a bath.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My car mechanic called me and said, “You can pick up your car by 5 p.m.”. I said, “I don’t think I’ll be strong enough by then.”

  Tags: one-liners

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• my great grandmother got me a ps4 for christmas. my so-so grandmother got me socks

  Tags: one-liners

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• Middle age is when you're faced with two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home by nine o'clock.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why can't Athiests solve exponential problems? Because they don't believe in higher powers.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Switzerland is a great country, with amazing views and nice people. And their flag is also great, which is a huge plus.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Doing yoga got me out of the habit of biting my fingernails. Now I bite my toenails.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine? To stop his coffin.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn. Now I have stable wifi

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the most poular Christmas carol in the desert? Oh caaamel ye faithful.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

  Tags: animal

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• Every year there is a race from one side of Sweden to the other... They start at the Norwegian line and end up at the Finnish line.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Is your name Wi-Fi? Because I'm feeling a connection.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Dad: What’s a lion and a witch doing in your wardrobe. Me: it’s Narnia Business....

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two slices of bread got married. The ceremony was going quite well until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• In a place without geometry life is pointless.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Computers will never be completely "Idiot Proof" because Idiots continue to be so resourceful.

  Tags: computers

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• Which cheese is made backwards? Edam

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I know Jiu-Jitsu, Sambo, Judo, Aikido and lots of other scary words.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• A penguin walks into an airport... A TSA officer stops him and says "Penguins can't fly."

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I had a dime for everytime I thought about you... I would definitely think about you

  Tags: one-liners

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• Albert Einstein was a genius and worthy of praise and study. His brother Frank was an absolute monster.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why couldn't the candle get any sleep? Because there's no rest for the wicked.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The similarity of all the people that live is that they are alive and they are living.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...

  Tags: one-liners

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• If mummies are from egypt, then where are daddies from?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can't see.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I went to the library to check out a medical book on abdominal pain. but when I got it home, I found that someone had ripped out the appendix.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I try to teach my mom something new everyday. Because apparently you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The human soul weighs 1.2lbs. I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into my job.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching. To reverse and leaving the scene

  Tags: one-liners

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• Hawt het hlle ma i redanig?

  Tags: misc

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• Hey, are you -273.15°C? Yeah, I'm 0K thanks.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A man just released from prison was walking down the street shouting, "I'm free! I'm free!"... A little boy yelled back at him, "that's nothing, I'm four!"

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

  Tags: children

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• Two Teemos sit in a brush. One says to the other "There's not mushroom in here"

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't have time for the Fall Equinox. But if you check back with me at Daylight Savings Time I should have an extra hour...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Teacher: "Where was the Constitution of India signed?" Student: "At the bottom of the page!"

  Tags: one-liners

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• I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are clams so hard to see on the bottom of the ocean? They’re clamouflaged.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I always tell new hires, don't think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store is free yet?

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd.. I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25

  Tags: one-liners

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• I saw a lizard. and it became a spotted lizard

  Tags: one-liners

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• I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn't answered a phone call since 2008.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

  Tags: puns

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• With great power comes a great electricity bill. Watt a powerfull message.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I had a date tonight. It was pretty sweet. Next, I’m going to try a fig.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What’s the most British thing in the British museum? The name.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't understand why people don't like lazy people. They didn't do anything.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I'd pat my own back but my ego is too busy shaking my hand.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

  Tags: one-liners

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• So the iPhone 7 gets arrested... He puts on his earpods and smugly declares "sorry, you can't charge me while I'm using my headphones".

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do the English do immediately after winning the FIFA World Cup? Turn off the Playstation.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Baseball is my favorite sport, because you can play it on a professional level with food in your mouth.

  Tags: one-liners, food, sports

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• Why did the Calculus Teacher take the student's calculator away? He was viewing graphic material

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• What do you call an aging actor who has finally paid off his house? Mortgage freeman.

  Tags: one-liners

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• One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• In Europe, they don't call it the "Friend Zone" They call it the "Pal Region"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Maybe if we all sit extremely still, Monday won't be able to see us.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I made a belt out of watches once... It was a complete waist of time.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Heard about Cuban Santa? He's makin' a list... chicken and rice...

  Tags: one-liners

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• "When am I ever gonna use this?" Asked the student to the algebra teacher. "Well you won't, but one of the smart kids might" he replied cheerfully

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, food

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• How many more times are my kids going to ask me if I know where something is before they realize they're asking the wrong parent?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Everyone has a friend who laughs funnier than he jokes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is a lacrosse players favorite type of car? A dodge!

  Tags: one-liners, animal, sports

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• I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines. He’s a Singer songwriter or sew it seams

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• Why don't salmon watch cable television? They prefer streams.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you ever drop a volcano rock on your foot You'll Krakatoa

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• What does an exorcist do when his clients won't pay up? He gets the ghosts to repossess the house.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How much do used batteries cost? Nothing, they are free of charge.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why don't Jedi Knights use the Kelvin scale? Only a Sith deals in absolutes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper. looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again

  Tags: one-liners

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• Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a big rock.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? Sure, they're very scent-imental!

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• When I found out that my toaster wasn't waterproof, I was shocked.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear the story about the giraffe? Forget it its too long.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it's shell... It only made it more sluggish.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was going to buy an invisible sword... But I don't see the point.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sorry I'm late! I was at home sitting down.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Just trying to give my kids a few childhood memories they don't have to repress...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Teacher: Why are you doing your multiplication on the floor? Student: You told me not to use tables.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My 4 year old niece's unintentional dirty joke. Why did the fan blow itself? Because it was turned on!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What happened when the two angels got married? They lived harpily ever after!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are Pokemon considered manly in Peru? It all dates back to the time of Macho-Pikachu

  Tags: one-liners

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• Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime. It's just another day at the United States Bureau of Engraving and Printing.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wanted to tell you all about a color I made up..... but, as it turns out, it was just a pigment of my imagination.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Said the pig to his pop, "There's the candy shop. Oh, please Let's go inside." "And I promise I won't make a kid of myself if you give me a people-back ride."

  Tags: misc

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• I don't care how old I am, I will see Finding Dory.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What idiot called it a vet instead of a dogtor?

  Tags: one-liners, animal, medical

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• My grandfather has the heart of a lion, ... and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh zoo.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Which day do chickens hate the most? Friday.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Ma and Pa had an awful time getting married.Ma wouldn't marry Pa when he was drunk and Pa wouldn't marry Ma when he was sober.

  Tags: misc

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• Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realized he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Working on the computer is like driving a submarine. Once you open windows, the problems begin.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Whats a fedora clad, neck bearded gentlemen's favorite color? M'genta

  Tags: one-liners

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• Whenever i have a headache,i take two asprins and keep away the children,like the bottle says

  Tags: one-liners

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• Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning. I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver!

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb? Why does it have to be a group activity?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was watching Jurassic park the other day.. . when I thought "not only does my son have a really stupid name, he ́s also a terrible driver"

  Tags: one-liners

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• I had to start hiding cereal in my clothes so that my siblings couldn’t eat all of it. I have Trix up my sleeve.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Food is like dark humor. not every one gets it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sadly, I've lost 20% of my sight. Sigh

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did Mario say to Peach when they broke up? It's not you, it's a me a Mario!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What goes through towns, up hills, and down hills but never moves? The road!

  Tags: one-liners

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• If the Colts' QB was on your fantasy football roster. You're officially out of Luck this season.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A garage sale is actually a Garbage sale but the "b" is silent.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday. it was a risk I was willing to take

  Tags: one-liners

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• It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs... Because they always take things literally.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about the scientists who crossed a porcupine with a sheep? They got an animal that knits its own sweaters.

  Tags: animal

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• 9/10 people. Accordion to research, 9/10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

  Tags: one-liners

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• As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today. I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!

  Tags: one-liners

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• My son got an F in his geography exam today. I sent him to his room but he ended up in the kitchen

  Tags: one-liners

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• After winning the game, I threw the ball into the crowd just like they do on TV. Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What has 6 letters, starts with 'P', and ends a sentence? Parole.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How is a meditating monk and a fiber-optic cable similar? Total internal reflection.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What pronouns should you use with a chocolate bar? Her/she

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are vegetarians never involved in Any drama? They can’t stand beef

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sometimes, to impress girls, I use big words that I don't fully understand in an effort to sound more photosynthesis.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Some say that the english language is hard to learn. But you can do it through tough, thorough thought though.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have the heart of a lion, the eyes of an eagle. and a lifetime ban from the zoo

  Tags: one-liners

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• why did the 1 handed man cross the road??to get to the second hand shop

  Tags: men

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• Told a girl she looks better without her glasses on. She said I also look better without her glasses on.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you know you can actually eat lava? Only once though.

  Tags: one-liners

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• being a waiter may not be a very glamorous job. but at least it puts food on the table

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't care how funny you are, if I don't like you, I won't laugh.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I hate reality. But where else can you get a good steak dinner?

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Grandpa joke: What becomes shorter when you add 2 letters? Short

  Tags: one-liners

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• Never hypothetically ask yourself if the person in front of you can go any slower, because the answer is yes.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• My brother has been writing a stage drama about a dictionary and a thesaurus. I'm really looking forward to it. I love a play on words.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do people become butchers? So they can meat people.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, food

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• What do you call two nuns playing a bongo? A conundrum.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

  Tags: crazy-jokes

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• What do ghosts serve for dessert? I Scream.

  Tags: one-liners

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• It's impossible to be a participant in the march of time and not get a few blisters.

  Tags: one-liners

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• 007 recieves a new mission... to infiltrate a party and mingle. His orders are to, "bond James, bond".

  Tags: one-liners

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• I can totally relate to batteries. I'm not included in anything either.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because it couldn't get a date.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why does the police officer get up early in the morning? To beat the crowds.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I used to be addicted to soap.... I'm clean now.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend tries to impress girls by drawing realistic pictures of a Ford F-150. He’s ....a pickup artist.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why isn't suntanning an Olympic sport? Because the best you can get is bronze.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A lion and a cheetah had a race. The lion said you are a "cheetah" and the cheetah said you are "lion."

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Can a ninja throw projectile weapons? Shuriken!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Eminem walks into a bar and orders two shots of... The bartender cuts him off and says, “You only get one shot.”

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'll never use that dictionary again... The definition it gave for "obfuscate" was confusing and misleading.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Snake walks into a bar. And the bartender says ''How did you do that?''

  Tags: one-liners

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• Dad puts the car in reverse, looks in the rearview mirror and says... "Ah, that takes me back."

  Tags: one-liners

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• Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess. But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.

  Tags: one-liners

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• what kind of music sinks to the bottom of the ocean? Heavy rock

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• 4 Norse god, 1 Roman god, and 2 astronomical bodies walk into a bar. The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"

  Tags: one-liners

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• According to my kids' Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account? They were prime mates

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you know that 61.8 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot?

  Tags: one-liners

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• The Calbuco volcano is very hot right now... But everything around it is Chile.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• We thought it was our ability to love that made us human, but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A TRUCK.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's is the difference between ignorance and negligence? I don't know and I don't care.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!

  Tags: one-liners

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• When I was little, my dad used to feed me alphabet soup, claiming that I loved it? I didn't really; he was just putting words in my mouth.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Then there was the model who sat on a broken bottle and cut a good figure.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• It's pretty easy to fall in love with an Olympic Curler. They're used to sweeping people off their feet

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do they have braille on drive-thru ATMs?

  Tags: one-liners

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• The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

  Tags: children

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• What does Earth get on Earth day ? A birthday quake !

  Tags: one-liners

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• “Waiter, waiter, why is my apple pie all mashed up?!”. “Sir, you did ask me to step on it.”

  Tags: one-liners

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• Somebody actually complimented me on my parking today. They left a note on the windscreen. It said, "Parking fine", so that was nice.

  Tags: one-liners

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• An Irish man walks out of a bar..............Hey, It could happen

  Tags: bar

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• A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I had a dream last night that I had a Magnesium deficiency.. I was like 0Mg

  Tags: one-liners

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• My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM! Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you -the next time he's in need.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What kind of dessert comes out of a musical volcano? Bach Lava

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• What do you do if you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

  Tags: animal

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• Borrow money from a pessimist---They don't expect it back.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my tv.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I’m tearing out pages of the dictionary. I’m up to Mischief.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do whales like to draw with? A-krill-ic paint.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When I awoke from the accident and they told me my fingers were broken... it was hard to grasp.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What fruit do you eat when you are sad? Blueberries.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• You know what would be a hilarious prank? Make people study for 18 years and dont give them a job.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you sneak up on celery? You stalk it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call an Australian visiting England on vacation? Returning to the scene of the crime.

  Tags: one-liners

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• For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

  Tags: misc

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• I have an imaginary friend, but he keeps making fun of me. He keeps saying, “At least I have a real friend.”

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the longest word in the Spanish language? Goooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllll

  Tags: one-liners

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• My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment. This is my time to shine.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon. Neil before me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• This is why I don't tell Math jokes. The average maths joke is pretty mean

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was about to crack a joke on boxers; now leave it, I forgot the punchline.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you get when you mix a cheetah and a rhino? A Cheeto

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I'm looking to sell my Delorean. Good shape, low mileage... Only driven from time to time.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why does leather armor make you better at sneaking? Because it's made of hide.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Eyelashes are supposed to prevent things from getting into your eyes but when I do have something in my eye it's always an eyelash. Eyeronic.

  Tags: one-liners

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• 5-year plan? I haven't even planned this sentence volcano.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Canada could have had it all: American industry, British Culture, and French Cuisine. Instead, they got: French Industry, American culture, and British cuisine

  Tags: one-liners

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• EA's microtransaction policy is so bad that... [This punchline is locked. Please pay 20,000 credits to unlock]

  Tags: one-liners

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• How Can You Tell If a Man's a Redneck?

  If he concentrates on the bottle because it says, "from concentrate!"

  Tags: misc

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• Look, if crying doesn't solve the problem, then maybe I'm just not the person you should be asking.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My doctor removed my appendix... Now all that's left is the table of contents.

  Tags: one-liners

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• It's so easy, it makes pie look hard.

  Tags: animal

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• If you fall down a bottomless pit... do you eventually die of starvation?

  Tags: one-liners

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• When a twitter troll disappears it just means his mom changed the wifi password until his chores are done.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• 0.666. ... beware the number of the millibeast.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have a copy of nearly every Psychology Today magazine ever published. You could say I have a lot of issues.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Was asked in an interview if I could perform under pressure. I said I'm not sure but I can definitely perform "another one bites the dust"

  Tags: one-liners

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• No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II. I mean, there were red flags everywhere.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When I noticed "HI" in the alphabet, I thought someone was actually going to be my friend. Then I saw the next two letters...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Marble is a valuable building material and should not be taken for granite.

  Tags: puns

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• What's the difference between USA and USB? One has standards

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm not lazy... I'm just on my energy saving mode.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My dad's bread factory burnt down. Now his business is toast

  Tags: one-liners

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• Escalators don't break down... they just turn into stairs.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Apparently, saying "Wow, you've grown since I last saw you" isn't deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.

  Tags: one-liners

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• iPhone8 (X) has facial recognition. It looked at my face and told me that I can't afford it...

  Tags: one-liners, money, programming

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• In accordance to the Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle of Quantum Mechanics, we may already be in love right now.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning? Apparently they still have 500 million users.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Today I ended a long term relationship. I don't really care though, it wasn't mine.

  Tags: one-liners

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