Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• What did one snowman say to the other snow man? Do you smell carrot?

  Tags: classic, general

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• These are actual lines out of OER (Officer Efficiency Report) performance appraisal for the military.

  Tags: military

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• A out-of-towner in New York decided to re-visit a fine uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city.Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he began, "Hey, you know, it's been over five years since I first came in here. . .""You'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the harried waiter. "I can only serve one table at a time."

  Tags: misc

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• Knock knock. Who's there? A broken pencil. A broken pencil who? Never mind. It's pointless.

  Tags: classic, knock-knock

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• Why did the teenager cross the road? Because his parents told him not to.

  Tags: misc

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• Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• What do you get when you cross an eagle with a jeep and a dog? A flying car-pet!

  Tags: animal

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• What did the lollipop say to the popsicle? 'Cool, dude!'

  Tags: misc

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• Knock Knock ! Who's there ? Bless ! Bless who ? I didn't sneeze !

  Tags: knock-knock

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• Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

  Tags: puns

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• A priest was walking down the street when he saw a little boy jumping up and down to try to reach a doorbell. So the priest walked over and pressed the button for the youngster. "And now what, my little man?" he asked. "Now," said the boy, "run like hell!"

  Tags: children

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• A man goes into a restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order. "I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," he says. "But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter. "Oh," answers the man, "she'll order for herself."

  Tags: food-jokes

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• what's the difference between here and there? The letter T! :) (Take away the T in there and you've got here!)

  Tags: misc

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• My friend Doug pointed up at a bird circling overhead and said, "Look, it's an eagle!" "That doesn't look like an eagle," I said. "Well of course not," he shot back amazingly quickly. "It's travelling incognito. Haven't you ever heard that "Eagles are Masters of De Skys?"

  Tags: animal

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• Mother to teenage daughter: "The bad news is, we're moving to a different city. The good news is, your new school is full of boys who didn't see you get sick in the cafeteria last month."

  Tags: children

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• What do u call a Lesbian Dinosaur?A Lickalottapus

  Tags: misc

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• Max: Here I am, once again! I'm torn into pieces...can't deny it, can't pretend! Just thought you were the one! Broken up, deep inside. But you don't get to see these tears I cry....BEHIND THESE HAZEL EYES! Bailey: So, wha'd you do with the money? Max: What money??? Bailey: The money your mom gave you for voice lessons!

  Tags: children

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• What do you call a one-legged lady? Eileen!

  Tags: puns

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• What time is it? I don't know... it keeps changing.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Face it, you're gonna have to go outside eventually. Sure, Amazon.com will deliver right to your door and now even Taco Bell does deliveries, but, mark my words: some day you're going to HAVE to push away from the computer and go ... OUTSIDE!!! Here's a guide:

  Tags: computers

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• Jack was summoned by the Disciplinarian where his son, Tracey was enrolled. Tracey always throw stones at his playmates and he never missed. Jack replied to the Disciplinarian : Sir, please look at the bright side. My son will grow up to be a very effective baseball pitcher.

  Tags: children

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• Why does Tigger smell so bad? Cause he's always hanging out with Pooh.

  Tags: puns

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• Why couldn't the kid see the pirate movie? Because it was rated arrr!

  Tags: classic, general

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• Q: Where do cows go on Saturday nights? A: To the moovies

  Tags: animal

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• What does an angry pepper do? It gets jalapeño face.

  Tags: classic, general

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• An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.

  Tags: sports

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• Why did Humpty dumpty go to the shrink? Cause he was half cracked.

  Tags: misc

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• What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? She said, "Is it mine?"

  Tags: misc

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• How many Dyslexics does it take to change a Lit Blub?

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Q: How many surgeons does it take to replace a light bulb? A: 3. We'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Q: What do you call a group of blondes in a circle?A: A dope ring!!

  Tags: misc

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• Did you hear about the cannibal who was late to dinner? He got the cold shoulder.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.

  Tags: misc

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• Q.)Your child poops in their pants- what do you do? A.)Drop off the child at day-care and make them change it.

  Tags: children

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• A women's lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, "Where would man be today if it were not for woman?" She paused a moment and looked around the room. "I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?" From the back of the room came a voice, "He'd be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries."

  Tags: misc

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• What do you call two thieves? A pair of knickers!

  Tags: misc

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• Q. Have you heard of the dyslexic cow who attained enlightenment? A. It kept on repeating OOOOMMM!

  Tags: animal

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• Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have nothing to declare except my genius.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: How do you know there are four elephants in your refrigerator? A: There's an empty Mini parked outside.

  Tags: animal

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• I've been out of work for a while, so when I found a job sorting salt and pepper, I was most pleased. The only drawback is that it's seasonal work.

  Tags: puns

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• A wig factory was broken into last night and a large quantity of wigs was stolen. Police are combing the area.

  Tags: puns

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• What do you call a pig with three eyes? Piiig

  Tags: classic, general

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• Fe Fe Fe \ | / Fe --*-- Fe / | \ Fe Fe Fe A ferris wheel

  Tags: puns

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• A woman goes for her pelvic exam. While the doctor is doing the exam, he notices bikini tan lines, and she has sandals on that say "hecho en mexico" (made in mexico). So he casually asks her, "So did you enjoy your trip to Mexico?" She sits up a little and stares at him with this look of disbelief. "You can tell that just from a pelvic exam?!?!?"

  Tags: medical

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• Knock, knock! Who's there? Sobers. Sobers who? Sau baras se khatkhata rahen hain, Ab to darwazaa kholo.

  Tags: knock-knock

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• "Ciao amico, desidero comprare un mazzo di banane." "Il compagno spiacente, questo à ̈ un farmacista."

  Tags: at-work

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• Why did our founding fathers expressed equality, but the constitution says people born in other countries can't be president?

  Tags: one-liners

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• The law of drunkenness- You can't fall off the floor.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant? He forgot to wrap the "Whopper"!!!

  Tags: misc

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• Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

  Tags: puns

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• A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.

  Tags: misc

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• He was a smooth operator, and at the club's annual dance he attached himself to the prettiest lady golfer in the room and was boasting to her. "You know, they're all afraid to play me. What do you think my handicap is?" "Well, where do you want me to start ?" came the quick response.

  Tags: sports

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• To add a joke to this list: Click the "Add to My Favorites" link when you are viewing a joke. To get rid of one of your favorite jokes: Go to your favorite jokes page. Next to each joke there is a garbage can icon. Click on the icon to get rid of that joke from your favorite's page.

  Tags: misc

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• Why did the burglar hang his mugshot on the wall? To prove that he was framed!

  Tags: classic, general

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• A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?" The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"

  Tags: at-work

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• How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but he is never around when you need him.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy!

  Tags: one-liners

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• "Boss, I've got to have a raise," the salesman said to his sales manager. "There are three other companies after me.""Is that a fact?" the manager asked. "What other companies are after you?""The electric company, the phone company, and the gas company."

  Tags: office-jokes

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• Q:How many egotists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A:Just one. He holds up the lightbulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? He looks for one in a catalogue.

  Tags: misc

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• I have a machine which has four cog wheels in constant mesh. The largest cog has 72 teeth and the others have 36, 25 and 15 respectively. How many revolutions must the largest cog make before each of the cogs is back in its starting position? 25 revolutions.

  Tags: misc

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• Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital? The hip Doctor!

  Tags: classic, general

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• You know what would be odd? Some one with a deep, dark voice calls you and says, "I know what your phone number is...heh heh..."

  Tags: misc

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• Top Ten Changes at NASA to accommodate 76 year-old John Glenn's return to space aboard the shuttle "Discovery:"

  Tags: misc

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• A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know?" his mother asked. Daddy picked them up and looked underneath, he replied, "I think it's printed on the bottom."

  Tags: children

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• Why did the developer quit his job? Because he didn't get arrays.

  Tags: classic, programming

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• Time may fly, but does it have wings?

  Tags: puns

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• What did Michael Jackson name his denim store? Billy Jeans!

  Tags: classic, general

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• Q: How many strongmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• How do you confuse a frog? Put it in a round bowl and tell it to take a nap in the corner. How does a frog confuse you? When he comes out and says he needed that nap and feels much better!

  Tags: animal

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• Sometimes I think I'm stupid... until I met George W. Bush. Now I feel like the smartest man in the world.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do they call it PMS? Because the name "MAD COW DISEASE" was taken.

  Tags: misc

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• Why don't lobsters share? They're shellfish.

  Tags: puns

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• Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Alva Edison.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the elephant call the locksmith? Because he lost his keys in his trunk!

  Tags: animal

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• A girl's legs are her best friends, but the best of friends must part. -- Redd Foxx

  Tags: one-liners

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• The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

  Tags: misc

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• Two bees in their hive on a lovely summer day, and one says to the other, "'Swarm in here, isn't it?"

  Tags: puns

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• Why don't React developers like nature? They prefer the virtual DOM.

  Tags: classic, programming

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• People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah? When's the last time ya ever heard of anyone who "rested to death?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a black person that wants to be and acts just like Jackie Chan? Blackie Chan

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't get why we teach little kids the popular saying "Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye." And we wonder what is with all the violence? I mean come on that's like 100% emo.

  Tags: children

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• A doctor at a major hair-loss institute in England now says the best way to avoid going bald: drink a lot of alcohol.They say drinking alcohol to excess increases hair growth.This could be true. When was the last time you saw a bald Kennedy?

  Tags: misc

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• Can you decipher this phrase? RU[color=red]E[/color] Are you ready: [R U + red E].

  Tags: animal

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• One day I was standing in the park wondering how frisbees get bigger when they get closer. Then it hit me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• One day in the 1800's a father asked his child to go get some nuts and berries. She went around and got nuts and berries from every boy she knew. When she showed her dad he said, "That's not what I meant!"

  Tags: misc

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• Q. Why do husbands die before their wives ? A. They want to

  Tags: one-liners

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• Long ago I gave my kid an iPod. Last year he talked me into buying him an iPhone. This year he said he needed an iPad. I asked what the i- means and he said that's the way Apple name their products. Now he's asking for an i7 laptop. My goodness, Apple have made so many things they've now run out of names!

  Tags: tech

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• A lady took her Poodle to the parlor for a haircut. When she asked what it would cost, the girl behind the counter told her "$60."The lady was outraged: "I only pay 50 bucks for my own haircut!""But you don't bite, do you?" the girl replied.

  Tags: misc

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• A man noted for his tact was awakened one morning at four o'clock by his ringing telephone. "Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an irate voice. The man thanked his caller and politely asked his name before hanging up. The next morning at four o'clock, he called his neighbour back. "Sir," he said, "I don't have a dog."

  Tags: misc

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• Q: What do you call a schizophrenic Buddhist? A: Someone who is at two with the universe.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son." "OK: He's most likely suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery." "How can you say all that without even meeting him?" "I thought you said he's 13?"

  Tags: children

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• What do elephants always bring on holiday? A trunk.

  Tags: animal

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• Q: How many newfies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 2 one to hold the light bulb and 1 to spin him round and round.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• The Pillow Fight (a Mik and Mak Joke)

  Mik and mak are having a pillow fight. Mak whacks mik hard. Mik yells "are you jamaican because ja maican me crazy!"

  Tags: puns

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• How many little brothers does it take to change a light bulb? Three- one to hold onto the bulb and two to turn the ladder.

  Tags: children

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• Knock-Knock Who's There? Rita Rita who? Rita book, you might learn something!

  Tags: knock-knock

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• Knock Knock Who's there? Dustin Dustin who? Dust in the air, please let me in!

  Tags: knock-knock

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• Laughter is like changing a baby's diaper... It doesn't permanently solve any problems, but it makes things more acceptable for a while!

  Tags: misc

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• I asked my girl-friend what she would like for her birthday, and she said she would like a green jumper. So I bought her a frog.

  Tags: puns

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• Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When do doctors get angry? When they run out of patients.

  Tags: classic, general

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• On Halloween night a kid is standing on a bench with a fake beard, fake fangs, a tennis racket, a baseball cap, and a purple cape. A snobby man walks by and says, "What are you supposed to be?" The kid says, "Duh! I'm a kid standing on a bench wearing fake fangs, a fake beard, a baseball cap, a purple cape and holding a tennis racket! What did you think I was?"

  Tags: children

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• What biscuit does a short person like? Shortbread.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Why isn't there a tax on stuff I DON'T like?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Would you please do me a favour?

  A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging. Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams? Patient: Why? Doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time. Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.

  Tags: medical

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• Fill in the blank: The one who says it cannot be done should never _________ the one who is doing it. Interrupt.

  Tags: misc

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• A white horse walked into a bar. The barman saw him and said, "We have a whiskey named after you!" The horse looked puzzled and said, "What, Eric?"

  Tags: misc

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• Mind Over Matter If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

  Tags: puns

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• A local psychic hotline opened up a new number especially for frogs, called "The Psychic Frog-line." A frog called, wanting to know his future. "You will meet a beautiful young girl," predicted the psychic. "This is great!" said the frog. "Where will I meet her? At a party? At the pond?" "No," replied the psychic. "Next semester in a biology class."

  Tags: animal

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• Little Mikey's parents were going out, and Mikey said, "For 20 bucks, Dad, I'll be good." "Oh please," said his father. "When I was your age, I was good for nothing."

  Tags: children

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• How do you catch an elephant? Dig a hole, put peanuts around it, fill it with ashes and when the elephant goes to eat the peanuts, kick him in the ash hole.

  Tags: animal

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• What kind of soup weighs 1000 pounds? Won ton soup!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the tent agree to stand up all night? He was roped into it!

  Tags: puns

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• How do you know if a dummy has been sending e-mail? You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.

  Tags: tech

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• An Irish guy was digging a hole in his front lawn, when his neighbour walks by and says, "Hey, Patrick, what are you doing?" "Digging a hole," said Patrick. "What's wrong with the hole next to it?" said his neighbour. "That one wasn't deep enough," said Patrick.

  Tags: misc

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• You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself any time.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The female skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo)... The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, "Picabo, ICU".

  Tags: puns

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• BOB: Hey, I ran into George the other day. JOE: Oh, really? Was he happy to see you? BOB: Well, we were in our cars at the time...

  Tags: puns

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• Did you hear about the fight at the seafood grill last night? (no) Well, the fish got battered!!

  Tags: misc

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• Game Set Match = Tennis Set Match Run = Arson

  Tags: misc

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• Diner: Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?Waiter: Look's like the backstroke sir!

  Tags: misc

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• You have a million cows. Most of them are illegals.

  Tags: animal

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• Santa:Oye, you know once, when I was very young, I jumped from the 20th floor of a building. Banta: Then what happened? Did you survived or die? Santa replied: "Oye, I forgot, that was years ago".

  Tags: animal

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• A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn’t.

  Tags: classic, programming

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• What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale? A northern fairy tale begins with, "Once upon a time..." A southern fairy tale begins, "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this..."

  Tags: misc

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• Lady: How do I spread love in this cruel world? Random Dude: [...💘]

  Tags: classic, programming

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• Why is it better to be killed by a shark than by a lawyer? Answer: The shark would be brief.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Knock-Knock Who's there? Who's There. Who's there Who? I'm supposed to say Who's there!

  Tags: knock-knock

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• What do you call a guy with no arms or legs floating in the ocean? Bob!

  Tags: misc

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• What did the blonde say when he opened the box of Cheerios?Doughnut seeds!

  Tags: misc

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• Joe: When I would wear my hand-me-downs to school, all of the boys would make fun of me. Moe: What did you do?Joe: I hit them over the head with my purse.

  Tags: misc

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• China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you're a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many cats does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Cats can't hold a light bulb

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Once, I was walking along our road and saw a man who appeared to be very old and well-lived sitting in a rocking chair. Surely, I thought, this man had all the answers. So I asked, "How did you live to such a healthy old age?" He said, "I do lots of drugs, eat lots of sugars and fats, I smoke, and I never exercise." "Wow," I said, "how old are you again??" "I'm 22."

  Tags: misc

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• Mom (Reprimandingly): Julia! How many times must I tell you not to pull the cat's tail? Julia (Innocently): But Mom, I'm only holding the tail. It's the cat that's doing the pulling.

  Tags: children

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• Q: What's weirder than a talking dog? A: A spelling bee!

  Tags: puns

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• Wizard Of Oz (the Truth From Dorothy)

  Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Q:how can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day? A:her tampon is on her ear and she cant find her pen!

  Tags: blonde-jokes

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• Did you hear about the bread factory burning down? They say the business is toast.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Vini vedi velcro (I came, I saw, I stuck around)

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the pirate say when he got cold? Shiver me timbers!!!

  Tags: misc

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• When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did Batman say to Robin before getting in the Batmobile? "Get in the Batmobile, Robin!"

  Tags: misc

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• 3 year old kid: "Guess what? Daddy got you a pway-station!" 7 year old kid: "Really??!! Where is it?" 3 year old: "It's in p-one mile!"

  Tags: children

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• One night, after a long hard day at work a politician went home. It was fairly late, around 10:00 p.m.All of the sudden, a masked man jumped out of the bushes and demanded all the politician's money."You can't do that!!" The politician cried. "I'm a politician!""Oh," said the masked man, "in that case give me all MY money!!"

  Tags: misc

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• Little Tommy was telling his friend Billy all about his Christmas presents. "My daddy bought me a mouth organ. It's the best present I've ever had." "Why?" "Because my mummy gives me extra money every week if I don't play it."

  Tags: children

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• Q. Where does a fish like to sleep? A. In a river bed!

  Tags: animal

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• Knock-knock Who's there? Boo! Boo who? Don't cry it's just a joke

  Tags: knock-knock

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• A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him. "I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game." "When is that?" "Right after the National Anthem."

  Tags: sports

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• A six-year-old boy came home from playing at his friend's house and told his mother that he had broken a lamp when he threw a football. "It's all right, mum," he said, brightly; "you don't have to buy them another! Charlie's mum said it was irreplaceable!"

  Tags: children

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• The accountant's prayer: "Lord, help me be more relaxed about insignificant details, starting tomorrow at 10.53:16 am, Eastern Daylight Saving Time."

  Tags: at-work

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• What was the elephant doing on the highway? About 5 mph

  Tags: animal

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• A man is walking down the street. Further down the street he notices Little Johnny. Little Johnny is sitting in a red wagon, wearing a fireman's hat. The wagon is tied to a dog, by its balls. The man says to LittleJohnny "Little Johnny you could go alot further, if you tied the rope around the dogs neck." Little Johnny replies "If I did that, I wouldn't have a siren"

  Tags: animal

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• I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

  Tags: misc

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• A golf club walks into a local bar and asked the barman for a pint of beer. The barman refused to serve him. "Why not?" asked the golf club. "You'll be driving later," replied the bartender.

  Tags: misc

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• "Hillary's got this huge book, it's a memoir of her life and times at the White House. In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said 'I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air.' No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said." - David Letterman

  Tags: misc

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• Lawyers creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

  Tags: one-liners

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• what do you do with a dog with no legs? Take him for a spin!

  Tags: crazy-jokes

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• I couldn't get a reservation at the library... They were fully booked.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

  Tags: misc

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• Bought the wife a hamster fur coat for her birthday, she was delighted with it. We went to the fair; took me 4 hours to get her off the big wheel!

  Tags: animal

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• What's the worst part about being a cross-eyed teacher? They can't control their pupils.

  Tags: classic, general

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• A ham sandwhich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says... I'm sorry, we don't serve food here

  Tags: classic, general

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• What does PPSH-41 stand for? It is:Perfectly and Painfully and Stubborn Hallucination for(4) one(1)

  Tags: animal

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• Who's Bigger? Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby? His baby cause he is a little Bigger.

  Tags: children

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• A tramp knocked on the door of a house. "What do you want?" said the owner. "Can you spare some money to help a poor person?" said the beggar. As soon he was given a few coins and told to go on his way, the beggar complained, "Your son gave me twice as much when I called here last week." "Well, my son can afford to," said the owner, "he has a very rich father."

  Tags: misc

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• How do the chinese get their names? Their parents kick a can down the street... ching chang chung bing....

  Tags: misc

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• At its discretion, this site may remove any material posted on our web site that infringes on the rights of others. If you believe that your work has been used improperly or your copyrights have been violated we encourage you to contact us

  Tags: misc

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• What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes whack, dang. A bad skydiver goes dang, whack.

  Tags: sports

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• GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie Kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play He kissed them as well, he's funny that way.

  Tags: misc

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• I was in Target the other day, shopping with a young lady friend. We were walking past the furniture section where there were several different models of bar stools on display. Next to them there was a sign that read: "All models in stock now!" So I paused next to the display and said, "Do you know what these are?" "What?" she asked. I said, "Stool samples."

  Tags: misc

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• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the difference between a bird and a fly? Well, a bird can fly . . .

  Tags: one-liners

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• Fill in the blanks such that the second blank is the reverse action of the first one: The famous musician Mozart ________ symphonies when he was alive and __________ after he died. Composed and decomposed.

  Tags: misc

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• Q: How do you get two whales in a Mini? A: Along the M4 and across the Severn Bridge.

  Tags: animal

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• Two guys walk into a bar: "Ouch! Oof!"

  Tags: misc

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• What do you call a Spanish man with a rubber toe? Answer: Roberto.

  Tags: puns

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• What did Tennessee? What Arkansas.

  Tags: misc

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• A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks." He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones. He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."

  Tags: bar-jokes

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• Five year old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by. She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy. "My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?" "Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"

  Tags: children

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• What's a bunny's favorite type of dance? Hip Hop!

  Tags: animal

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• Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning. He got to thinking about things, and asked, "Mommy, why does Daddy have so little hair on his head?" "He thinks a lot, dear," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a such good answer to her husband's baldness. "Then why do you have so much hair?" asked Little Johnny.

  Tags: children

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• One time I went school shopping... AND BOUGHT THREE SCHOOLS!!!

  Tags: misc

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• An elderly couple was attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do? He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

  Tags: one-liners

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• Confucius asks: "If a train station is where the train stops, and a bus station is where the bus stops, what is a work station?"

  Tags: at-work

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• Two neighbours were talking to each other. One said to the other "Have you told your son to stop imitating me?" The other one replied "Yes. Yesterday I went up to him and said 'Stop acting such a fool!'..."

  Tags: misc

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• Why do people say "This is the first day of the rest of your life"? Isn't that true about everyday unless you die that day?

  Tags: one-liners

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• A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice. "Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."

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• This guy at work argued with everybody that his pink oxford shirt was actually "salmon." Finally, human resources brought in a grizzly bear to settle the dispute.

  Tags: animal

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• What do birds give out on Halloween? Tweets.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Did you hear about the blind circumciser?He got the sack.

  Tags: misc

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• I put a blank tape in my TV and turned the volume all the way up. The mime next door went crazy and called the cops.

  Tags: misc

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• In a classroom, the teacher tell the pupils that peanuts make your smarter. Then a pupil said: "Are you nuts?"

  Tags: college

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• A Guy Walks Into a Pet Shop...

  A man walks into a pet store and asks for a German shepperd. The shopkeeper, replies that it will cost him $500. The man thinks for a minute, then asks how much a beware of dog sign costs. The shopkeeper calmly replies that it costs a whopping $1.98. The man thinks for a while longer, and asks for a beware of dog sign.

  Tags: animal

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• Two Welshman walking across a field stumble upon a sheep with its head through a wire fence (it didn't have foot and mouth). The first Welshman drops his trousers and piles into the sheep for 10 mins. After he was finished he asked the second Welshman if he wanted a go?? The second Welshman dropped his trousers and stuck his head through the fence !

  Tags: misc

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• Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it'd be a foot!

  Tags: classic, general

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• Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None 'o yo' freakin' business! A: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• It's impossible to be a participant in the march of time and not get a few blisters.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Guy1: Thats a bunch of cows. Farmer: No, a herd. Guy1: Of course I've heard of cows. Farmer:.No, I mean the cow herd Guy1: I have no secrets from cows

  Tags: animal

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• "Hey Sean, I've got a job lined up for you, can you turn up tomorrow, about tenish?" "Tennish? I don't even have a racket"

  Tags: puns

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• What do you call something with 4 eyes, 3 noses, 7 ears, and 2 mouths? Ugly!

  Tags: misc

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• Never accept a drink from a urologist, nor a friendly handshake from a proctologist.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?" "Just a minute," said the busy clerk. "Vell, said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll just take da bus."

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• 1st Officer: "Guess who I pulled over in a traffic stop the other day?" 2nd Officer: "Who?" 1st Officer: "Janet Jackson!" 2nd Officer: "What she do, was she speeding?" 1st Officer: "Nah, she had one headlight out."

  Tags: police-jokes

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• "Three people of different nationalities walk into a bar. Two of them say something smart, and the third one makes a mockery of his fellow countrymen by acting dumb."

  Tags: bar

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• HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall All the king's horses and all the king's men Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.

  Tags: misc

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• Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience. A: Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• -What do you call a dog in a submarine? -A sub-woofer.

  Tags: puns

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• I'm so bad my imaginary friend left me.

  Tags: misc

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• What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport? Squash.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say ''Fabulous.''

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Is the pool safe for diving? It deep ends.

  Tags: classic, general

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• And in a Year I'll be Five.

  A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground. "I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted. "So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."

  Tags: misc

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• A woman went in for a breast exam. The doctor said, "Have a seat. I have to numb your breasts first." The woman said, "Okay." So the doctor put his face between her breasts and said, "Numb, numb, numb, numb, numb."

  Tags: misc

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• A dad to his son: If someone calls for me, tell him that I'm out. The son: And if he doesn't call?

  Tags: children

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• A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful. "Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender. "Who gave those beauties to you?" "Nobody gave them to me," said Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for both of them."

  Tags: bar

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• What did one nut say as he chased another nut? I'm a cashew!

  Tags: classic, general

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• Q: why did the man get fired from the Orange Juice factory? A: He wasn't concentrating.

  Tags: misc

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• Why did the programmer quit his job? Because he didn't get arrays.

  Tags: classic, programming

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• What's brown and sticky? A stick.

  Tags: classic, general

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• How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? Through a catalogue!!

  Tags: misc

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• Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?" The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."

  Tags: medical

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• Great to use in chat rooms or on cell phones!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: Why did the scientist install a door knocker on his door and not a door bell? A: He wanted to win the No-Bell (Nobel) prize!

  Tags: puns

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• The teacher told one kid, "You're going to flunk this subject because you haven't finished your homework assignments." The kid said, "Good. I flunked all the other ones because I'm stupid."

  Tags: children

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• Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

  Tags: one-liners

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• This website takes every precaution to protect our users' information. When users submit sensitive information via the website, your information is protected both online and off-line. If you have any questions about the security at our website, you can contact us.

  Tags: misc

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• Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? A: They all have phones.

  Tags: one-liners

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• At long last the good-humored boss was compelled to call Fisk into his office. "It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium you have to take your aunt to the doctor." "You know, you're right, sir," exclaimed Fisk. "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking it, do you?"

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• Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Patient: "It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth." Dentist: "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."

  Tags: at-work

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• Waitress walks up to a man and says "Hi, May I take your order please?" The man replies, "Yes, can I get the turtle soup please."The waitress walks off to go get his order, but the man changes his mind and decides he wants pea soup instead. He calls for the waitress and says, "Hold the turtle, make it pea!"

  Tags: misc

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• I have an 18-year-old; her name is Alexis. I chose that name because if I hadn't had her, I'd be driving one.

  Tags: children

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