An Apple store got robbed last night and $250,000 worth of equipment was stolen. Police are confident they can recover both the stolen machines.
Tags: one-liners
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An Apple store got robbed last night and $250,000 worth of equipment was stolen. Police are confident they can recover both the stolen machines.
Tags: one-liners
Permalinkwhat is an English teachers favorite cereal? Synonym toast crunch
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkI put a new freezer next to the refrigerator, now they're just chilling.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkGot my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city.. Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a broken can opener? A can't opener
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat goes up and never comes down? Your age!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss-a-Brie? I cheddar the world and the feta cheese, everybody’s looking for Stilton.
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkWhat do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI had a date tonight. It was pretty sweet. Next, I’m going to try a fig.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDear alma mater, please don't send wealth management workshop invites to those of us who majored in creative writing.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkA straight face and a sincere-sounding "Huh?" have gotten me out of more trouble than I can remember.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI have a great joke about social anxiety. Who am I kidding? You'll hate it.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy did the Stormtrooper buy an iPhone? Because he couldn't find the Droid he was looking for.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI once abused someone with a dictionary... The judge didn't know whether to charge me with verbal or physical assault
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy does Waldo wear stripes? He doesn't want to be spotted
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf it ain't broke, I haven't borrowed it yet.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat has 5 fingers but isn't your hand? My hand.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call it when Arnold Schwarzenegger remembers the lyrics to Africa? Toto recall
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Tags: one-liners, money
PermalinkHere's a FedEx joke. Actually, you'll get it tomorrow
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTwo cheese trucks ran into each other. De brie was everywhere.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's the highest story of any building? Floor 20
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy hasn't Africa ever won Olympic gold in basketball? Because Africa isn't a country.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThey just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkA man holding a large block of asphalt walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "A beer for me, and one for the road."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI lost my paper towels, I think I need a bounty hunter.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkNo matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
Tags: one-liners, sports
PermalinkAccording to research 80% of the poplation can't do simple maths.Good news for us brainboxes,the other 10%.
Tags: misc
PermalinkAdults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy do dentists only want to be awarded with paper certificates? They hate plaque buildup.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkFor Americans - let me break down today's Glenn Maxwell cricket innings from Australia. Australia is a country and a continent.
Tags: one-liners, sports
PermalinkIf I won $900,000,000, I'd give a quarter of it to charity not sure what I'd do with the other $899,999,999.75 though.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI have a map of the world... its actual size.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkBirthdays are good for your health. Studies have shown that people with more birthdays live longer.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhats the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? BMWs have the pricks on the inside!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWilliam P. Holcomb's job is to supervise the tracking down of Houston, Texas parking ticket violators. It was revealed that he himself had 375 unpaid tickets.
Tags: at-work
PermalinkWhat type of exam does the vampire teacher give his students? A blood test.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe Earth's surface is 70% water. That water is uncarbonated. Therefore, the Earth is flat.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's the fastest liquid on earth? Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat kind of pants does Jesse Pinkman wear under his lab coat? Science Britches!
Tags: one-liners
Permalink"The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it."
Tags: misc
PermalinkInflation: Being broke with a lot of money in your pocket.
Tags: one-liners, money
PermalinkI asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia. and she whispered "They're behind you."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI married a European chess master. He's my Czech mate.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy friend is really optimistic and is always telling me : "Cheer up, you could be in a deep hole filled with water..." I know he means well...
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call an Italian drug dealer in Asia? Narco Polo
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIamA Bing search engine AMA. Please. Just ask me something.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy are ships' portholes round? So that if they break, water doesn't hit you square in the face.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do you spell candy with two letters? C and Y
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhen a twitter troll disappears it just means his mom changed the wifi password until his chores are done.
Tags: one-liners, programming
PermalinkWhat's a redneck's favorite dating website? Ancestry.com
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI won the lottery for a million dollars today so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. I now have $999,999.75
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI tried dating a cougar once. Turned out she was a cheetah.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkThose that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy does Missouri share borders with the most amount of States? Because Missouri loves company
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy was the child’s blanket arrested? For being an accessory to a kid napping.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy don't fairies live under toadstools? Because there's not mushroom!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to use the stairs... one step at a time.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDoesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkObi Wan: Yoda, you en-route? Yoda: Off course I am!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy aren't there any ducks in Portugal? They're all Portugeese
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat kind of fish is made of only two sodium atoms? 2Na
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe NSA. A government organization that actually listens to you!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do Disney princesses screw in a lightbulb? They hold the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI'm sick of tired of people soaking my floor with their wet umbrellas when they come over to visit. I think it's time to make a stand.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's the difference between tuna, a piano and glue? You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy dear old grandmother always used to say the way to a man's heart was through his stomach, which is why she lost her job as a cardiac surgeon.
Tags: one-liners, at-work, food
PermalinkDad puts the car in reverse, looks in the rearview mirror and says... "Ah, that takes me back."
Tags: one-liners
Permalink8 protons, 8 neutrons and 8 electrons in an oxygen atom!
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat did one ghost say to another ghost? "Do you believe in people?"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's the worst name for a chain of restaurants? Dominoes
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a shrimp that gets run over by a car? Road Krill
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI have clean conscience. I haven't used it once until now.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat does a mathematician say when something goes wrong? Figures!
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkWhat's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr.Dre
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA research says that 75% of the people are good at Math. I am probably the remaining 35%
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow can you tell if an arrow is nervous? See if it quivers.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink"When am I ever gonna use this?" Asked the student to the algebra teacher. "Well you won't, but one of the smart kids might" he replied cheerfully
Tags: one-liners, math
PermalinkMusic makes every day better, especially if you turn it up just loud enough to drown out all the people around you.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat is Dracula's favorite fruit? A nectarine.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
Tags: misc
PermalinkPlease stop the hate on the lazy people. They didn’t do anything at all
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf I Cuold Time Travel. I would fix the title.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMan Runs In Front Of Car, He Gets Tired. Man Runs Behind Car, He Gets Exhausted.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAfter some investigation, I discovered some cracks in the hearth of my fireplace. In other words, it’s having a mantle breakdown
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did Chuck Norris tell his father when he left for college? “You’re the man of the house now”
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI like my anxiety like I like my distancing: Social, behind a mask, and away from people.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther. He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI wanted to make my racing snail faster.. So I took off its shell. If anything it became a lot more sluggish.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkJust got a job as senior director at Old MacDonald's Farm... I’m the CIEIO
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMath puns are the first sine of madness!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI have one of those unlimited cell phone plans. There's no limit to how much they can charge me.
Tags: one-liners, money
PermalinkIf you wanted to make pickle bread, you'd have to start out with dill dough.
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkJust burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI tried to escape the Apple store. I couldn't because there were no Windows.
Tags: one-liners, programming
PermalinkMy mom kicked me out the house for tickling my little brothers feet. I knew I should’ve waited until he was born
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI mostly just scroll through Instagram as a reminder of what brands I said out loud yesterday.
Tags: one-liners, programming
PermalinkWhat’s a fireplace’s best feature? Dat ash.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThere’s a virus that makes us forget 80s music. It may be spreading. No one knows the Cure
Tags: one-liners, music
PermalinkWhat has 100 legs but can't walk? 50 pairs of pants.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkBrazil is playing tomorrow and I'm betting that Neymar is ready to roll.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy is Jon Snow so ticklish? Aunts in his pants...
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a frog stuck in mud? Unhoppy.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkWhy is the south bad at calculus? They don't know how to integrate.
Tags: one-liners, math
PermalinkWhy did Pavlov have extra soft hair? Classical conditioning
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy buddy just lost his job at a cinema that only shows Pixar films... He forgot to show Up
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat packs a punch in your pants? Boxers.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy did the M&M go to school? Because he really wanted to be a Smartie!
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkThe best way to accelerate Windows is through one.
Tags: tech
PermalinkI've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football. Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI didn't like my haircut at first. But it's growing on me.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI gave my kid a harmonica for Christmas. And unfortunately he loves it.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI got voted “Least Likely To Succeed” by my high school class... I hate being a teacher...
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed. Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhen my mom told me to stop acting like a flamingo? I had to put my foot down.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkYour so boring, if you threw a boomerang, it wouldn't come back to you.
Tags: misc
PermalinkIf a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement, Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWanna fork? Not to-knife, but as spoon as I feel better.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a failed Cuban space program? Castro naught.
Tags: one-liners, science
PermalinkWhat do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat has four legs but can't walk? A chair.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third. At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.
Tags: one-liners, math
PermalinkI went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered - the chicken.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI'm getting a little tired of these people coming to my door telling me I need to be "saved" or "I'll burn"... Stupid firefighters.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI don't use pepper spray when I'm being robbed. I just open my wallet and blow the dust into their eyes.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow did the doctor cure the invisible man? He took him to the ICU
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkGrocery store flowers on Valentine's Day: show someone you care slightly more than not at all.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI had a dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like 0mg
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did the pirate say when he found someone? I sea you!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI dated an English teacher for a few months, but it didn't work out. She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA joke my 8-year old made up: What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark? A chicken.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI don't understand why people spoil movies... What's their endgame?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy dad never really loved me as a child. I can't really blame him though ; I wasn't born until he was an adult.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a snowman in July? A puddle.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkMy five-year-old: "I don't want to be your daughter anymore. I QUIT!" No two-week notice or anything. She'd better not expect a reference.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy is the army so strict about their uniforms? To minimize casual tees...
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkBest math book never written: "High School Math" by Cal Q. Luss
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAmericans may be ignorant of other cultures... But at least we invented the hamburger
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat animal is 80% wool? A woolf.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSo the iPhone 7 gets arrested... He puts on his earpods and smugly declares "sorry, you can't charge me while I'm using my headphones".
Tags: one-liners
Permalink"Everything that can be invented has been invented." - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
Tags: tech
PermalinkI have like 50 jokes about the unemployed. Trouble is, none of them work.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy don't escaped convicts make good writers? Because they never finish their sentences
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI named my son Gram. It's short for Grammar because he was supposed to be a period.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkLiquor probably won't fix your problems... but it's worth a shot.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call an iron/carbon alloy that never gets embarrassed? Shameless steel
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I told him, "My door is always open".
Tags: one-liners, money
PermalinkFor a while, the magician Houdini used a trap door for every show he did. It was..just a stage he was going through.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's the most dangerous part of a motorcycle? The nut that connects the seat to the handlebar.
Tags: one-liners
Permalinki think the story of Noah's life was a bit boring. But it did have a nice arc
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works. He used to chew on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkCashier: "How would you like to pay for this." Me: "Not at all."
Tags: one-liners, money
PermalinkWhat does a turtle call his aunt? Tort-tia
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA guy in a plane stood up shouted “HIJACK!”. All passengers got scared . . . Then from the other end of the plane a guy shouted back, . . . “Hi JOHN”
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhere does Walmart keep the Terminator toys? Aisle B, back.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhich side of a cheetah has the most spots? The outside.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkSanta's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkCan a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn't jump at all.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkShout out to my student loan for getting me through college. I don't know how I'll ever be able to repay you.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI was assaulted by a man with a block of cheese. I mean, how dairy!
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkFinland have just closed their borders.... Which means no one can cross the finish line.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDespite my last 12,000 tweets, I'm actually really fun.
Tags: one-liners, programming
PermalinkThe recipe said "Set the oven to 180 degrees" so I did, but now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkAlligators can live up to 100 years... Which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI need a new bicycle chain. Can anyone give me any links?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkRetirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkI was writing a joke about a stone rolling up a hill, but it lost momentum. It still has potential.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhere do admins go for summer break? Banned camp.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkApple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Tags: one-liners, programming
PermalinkWhen everything is coming your way, you're on the wrong side of the freeway.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkZebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkHow can you tell when an alto is trying to break into your house? They can’t find the key and they don’t know where to come in.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics... But graphing is where I draw the line!
Tags: one-liners, math
PermalinkShould I have another baby after 35? No, 35 children are enough.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThey say you can’t get a decent job without education. But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA goat, a drum, and a rattlesnake fall down a cliff... ba dum tss
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkYou can lose weight by putting sliced bread on your head. It's a loaf-hat-diet.
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkI was changing some fuses at Buzzfeed Number 14 shocked me.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTomorrow is a big day for me at work. They are refilling the snack vending machine.
Tags: one-liners, at-work, food
PermalinkMy Grandfather invented the cold air balloon. It never really took off.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps. But I'm slowly getting over it.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy dad asked me the other day: "Are you even listening to me?" Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by laying in bed all day. But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA quarter, dime and penny walk into a bar... Just wait this joke is going to make a lot of cents.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy was Anakin Skywalker rejected for a credit card? Because he applied for a MasterCard.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkLaugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSometimes, when I close my eyes, I can't see.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhere does a spy sleep? Under covers.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat’s a three letter word that starts with gas? Car
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did the mother lion say to her cubs before dinner? "Shall we prey!"
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkI hate when people ask for likes... Like if you agree!
Tags: one-liners, programming
PermalinkWhat kind of math do fish like? ALGAE-bra
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTime Machine. I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday. They don't make them like they're going to anymore.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy doesn't Pacman use Twitter? He doesn't like being followed.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAs we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkLPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy can't you trick an unemployed jester? Because he's nobody's fool!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkPeople say being a waiter is a bad job but, hey, it puts food on the table.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkYesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call an Australian visiting England on vacation? Returning to the scene of the crime.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkFor every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkGenerally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe difference between true love and dinosaurs: We're sure that dinosaurs once existed on this earth.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkMy astronomy professor told me. I was his star pupil.
Tags: one-liners, science
PermalinkI dreamt about a horse last night. It turned out to be a night mare.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSet your WiFi password to 2444666668888888. So when someone asks tell them it’s 12345678
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWho is never hungry at Christmas? The turkey - he's always stuffed!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkLife is good you know. So I suggest you get one.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA Pokemon go user walks into a bar. Because he was too busy looking at his phone to notice it
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIron Man is a very confusing character. I know he’s a guy but he could’ve been Fe Male.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar... followed by Batman.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf time is money are ATM's time machines?
Tags: one-liners, money
Permalinkwhat is a 4 person rock group that doesn't play music? mount rushmore
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy don't Malaysian TV shows get commissioned? Because they all have terrible pilots.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI estimate I have enough energy to attend two more social events in my lifetime.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHave you heard about the street performer who did his act in the middle of a hurricane? It was mime-blowing
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI got a dog from the blacksmiths the other day... As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy did God create Adam before he created Eve? So no one would tell him how to make Adam.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy professor accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA boy asked his dad for 10$ of bitcoin. "$9.57? Why do you need $11.48?"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhere do animals go when their tails fall off? The retail store.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do you tell the difference between an electrician and an electrical engineer? Ask them to pronounce the word, "unionized".
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI'm optimistically single. My bed is half full.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf Dodge made an electric car... Would it be called a Dodge Chargeable
Tags: one-liners
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