Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• my great grandmother got me a ps4 for christmas. my so-so grandmother got me socks

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why don't Ewoks yell inside? Because they use their Endor voices!

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• My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe. After 10 minutes he asked me why I hadn't pulled over. I said we are still in Manchester.

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• I have a phobia of over engineered buildings. It's a complex complex complex.

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• What ethnicity is Santa? North Poleish

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• Why is it so easy to track Santa on Christmas Eve? Because he always accepts cookies.

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• They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• What does a German snake sound like? ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß....

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• Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.

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• Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.

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• My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likeable. It was an autobiography...

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• What's a pirate's least favorite letter? Dear sir, we are writing to inform you that you have violated the copyright agreement..

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• You might be a redneck if you have to haul a paint can to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.

  Tags: misc

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• Where did the frugal judge sent the criminal? To the pennytentiary.

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• Why do spies never use capitalization? They like to stay low-key.

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• Growing up, my dad said we should treat him like a god so we pretty much ignored him until we were sick, hurt, or broke.

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• My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper. looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again

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• My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Why is it best to teach physics on the edge of a cliff? It's where the students have the most potential.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• If you ask Vanilla Ice's mother about his childhood... she'll tell you that he was a nice, nice baby.

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• And The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life" ...but John came in fifth and won a toaster.

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• My Valentine is like the square root of -100... A 10, but imaginary

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• This vehicle stopped on a dime. Unfortunately, the dime was in Joey's pocket

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• I left my partner for a calculator. I needed someone I could count on

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• What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s

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• I use artificial sweetener at work. I add it to everything I say to my boss.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I'm at my most amazing when no one is paying attention.

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• A research says that 75% of the people are good at Math. I am probably the remaining 35%

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• Doing yoga got me out of the habit of biting my fingernails. Now I bite my toenails.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• They used to time me with a stopwatch... now they use a calendar.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• I burnt 1200 calories yesterday! Forgot to take the pizza out of the oven...

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• Orion's Belt is a big waist of space. Bad joke. Only three stars.

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• You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

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• Nerd joke. A photon walks up to an airline counter to buy a ticket and the clerk asks "any baggage to check?" The photon replies "No, I'm traveling light."

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• I find it very offensive when people get easily offended.

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• I recently had a heated debate with a mathematician about fractions. It's fair to say that our opinions were divided

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• A physics joke. How many general-relativity theocratists does it take to change a light bulb? - Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate space.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• I used to own a racing snail... It never won though. To improve its performance I removed its shell but, if anything, it made it more sluggish

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• What has a bottom at its top? A leg

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• Kim Jung Un loves to read books, what does that make him? A glorious reader.

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• To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you.. You have my Word.

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• Why do people litter? Because they dont take the litter signs litterally.

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• does anyone know any good sword-fighting puns? I'm trying to think of words that have a duel meaning.

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• Happy birthday, Bono. I wanted to get you the perfect present, but I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

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• A penguin walks into an airport... A TSA officer stops him and says "Penguins can't fly."

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• I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.

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• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

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• I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat. She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not.

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• Working at home sucks .if you’re a firefighter.

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• How is a meditating monk and a fiber-optic cable similar? Total internal reflection.

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• What do you get when you cross elephant DNA with Human DNA? A lifetime ban from the zoo.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Just quit my job at the helium factory. I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice.

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• Somebody just threw a jar of mayonnaise at me. I was like, "What the Hellmann?"

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• My roommate's cellphone broke. He wants me to let you guys know he's vegan

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• True Fact: Before the crowbar was invented. Most crows drank at home

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• If at first you don't succeed...work for Microsoft.

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• What do you call a wandering caveman? A Meanderthal.

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• Sergeant: “Smith! I didn’t see you at camouflage practice today!”. Private Smith: “Thank you, Sir!”

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• What did one smoking pipe say to the other smoking pipe? Don’t go ashtray

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• I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

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• I asked my friend a question while he was eating an orange, but all I got was a pithy response.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I went to get some paper from the stationery store, but it had moved.

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• A professional limboer walks into a bar. He was disqualified from the competition.

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• The best part about working in an office is that if you ever forget that you got a haircut, someone will definitely point it out to you.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Why didn't the Romans find algebra very difficult? Because X was always 10

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• I can totally relate to batteries. I'm not included in anything either.

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• Eating too much cake is the deadly sin of gluttony. But not eating too much pie, because the sin of pi is always zero.

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• Since workaholics are people addicted to work and chocaholics are people addicted to chocolate, are catholics people addicted to cats?

  Tags: puns

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• How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic? You take the pizza delivery sign off

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• You play World of Warcraft AND Leage of Legends? Wow, lol.

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• I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

  Tags: puns

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• Never catch snowflakes on your tongue. until all the birds have gone south for the winter!

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• What do you call a Communist sniper? A Marxman.

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• I don't understand why people spoil movies... What's their endgame?

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• I like hippos 'cause they're fat and don't care what other hippos think.

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• I don't use pepper spray when I'm being robbed. I just open my wallet and blow the dust into their eyes.

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• What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Nothing is impossible. The word itself says "I'm possible."

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• What did little Johnny's mother do when she caught him zapping the other children with static electricity? She grounded him.

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• Americans are bad at clash royale.. They lost 2 towers already smh.

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• I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions. Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"

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• A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water. Schwepped her off her feet.

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• I went to a dance recital in Asia. The koreagraphy was amazing

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• Where do dads keep their jokes? In their dadabase.

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• What did the Star Wars fan ask to the car dealer? "Can I buy the Rogue one please?"

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• I found a way to make a horse stand perfectly still. Place a bet on him.

  Tags: animal

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• Why do pediatricians get so frustrated? They have very little patients.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The computer, the greatest invention in life even though it's bad for you.

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• Why does windmills like heavy metal? Because they are a huge metal fan

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Do German cats have multiple lives? Nein.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Why don't Jedi Knights use the Kelvin scale? Only a Sith deals in absolutes.

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• Why did the walrus feel bad about himself? Because he was untuskworthy.

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• Why couldn’t the sailor play cards? Because the captain was standing on the deck

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• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

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• Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• How long have I been working for this company? Ever since they threatened to fire me.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• This girl said she would go out with me if I knew a six letter word that's a synonym for "calm". I said, "It's sedate."

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• How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

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• For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

  Tags: misc

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• What do you name a tricky pig? Cunningham

  Tags: one-liners

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• You haven't experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn't ticklish.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm proud that I got 40% on my Latin exam. After all, you should always XL.

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• How do the crows in Texas greet each other? Yee-caw

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• Why doesn't Magneto wear his old costume anymore? Because days of fuchsia passed

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• Why is a convent's percussion section so confusing? It's a co-nun-drum

  Tags: one-liners

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• Errors are red, the screen is in blue. I think you just deleted system32

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• How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb? One, or two? Three, or four?

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• I spent four years at college and didn't learn anything... It's really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.

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• No one is listening to you until you make a mistake.

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• Where does a fish deposit his checks? At the river bank

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• A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The girl replied, "Thanks for the Baghdad"

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• I'm having an introvert party and you're all not invited.

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• I drive way too fast to worry about my cholesterol.

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• Courtesy of my 7 year old - What happens if you don't eat a balanced diet? You will tip over

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• People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.

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• A sports expert is the guy who writes the best alibis for being wrong.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• I can hear music coming out of my printer... I think the papers jammin' again

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• Shout out to my student loan for getting me through college. I don't know how I'll ever be able to repay you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You don't have to go faster than the bear, you just have to go faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.

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• What did the valley girl say when her pen ran out of ink? I LITERALLY CAN'T EVEN WRITE NOW

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• What do you call an airship made up of lights? An LED Zeppelin

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• Whats the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? BMWs have the pricks on the inside!

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• Two slices of bread got married. The ceremony was going quite well until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Customer: Waiter, I’m in a hurry! Will the pancakes be long? Waiter: No sir, round.

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• In 20 years, I bet there's going to be a college course called eye contact.

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• Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That's my kid telling a story.

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• People are lot less judgy when you say you ate an 'avocado salad' instead of a bowl of guacamole.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Watched a show where a guy used a chain link gate to sift through rocks. I found it a fence sieve...

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• The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing yesterday.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I mostly just scroll through Instagram as a reminder of what brands I said out loud yesterday.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• My friend told me that I don't understand the meaning of irony which was ironic because we were at a train station

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• They should stock ATM's better. I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds.

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• The opposite of Microsoft Office is... Macrohard Onfire.

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• What's the main use for leather in the world? Holding cows together

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• What's the most dangerous part of a motorcycle? The nut that connects the seat to the handlebar.

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• I don’t have a “dad bod.”. I have a father figure.

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• I have one of those unlimited cell phone plans. There's no limit to how much they can charge me.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• When I meet a girl for the first time I shake hands with my left. I don’t want to intimidate her with the competition right away

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• What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot? Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.

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• I went to a wedding the other day. Two antennas were getting married. It wasn't much of a wedding ceremony, but it was one heck of a reception!

  Tags: puns

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• The hotel has a live band and my favourite song is "We're going for a break now, we'll be back later".

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• My parents said that if I got a tattoo I'd have to get it in a place that didn't matter... So I got it in Appleton, Wisconsin.

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• I was going to make a joke about blunt blades... But I don't see the point.

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• Don’t date a calculus teacher. They’re gonna replace u

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• The only thing worse than seeing something done wrong is seeing it done slowly.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I don't care how old I am, I will see Finding Dory.

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• Normal people believe that "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Engineers believe that "If it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet"

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• Whats the most pointless thing that actually exists? Circles.

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• How many ants does it take to rent a house? Ten ants

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• What is a lacrosse players favorite type of car? A dodge!

  Tags: one-liners, animal, sports

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• My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I told him, "My door is always open".

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting between two identical twins. It was impossible to differentiate between them.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• I have an imaginary friend, but he keeps making fun of me. He keeps saying, “At least I have a real friend.”

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• Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

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• Creating a joke is one thing. But delivering it is another. I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.

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• Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime. It's just another day at the United States Bureau of Engraving and Printing.

  Tags: one-liners

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• why did the 1 handed man cross the road??to get to the second hand shop

  Tags: men

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• I'll never use that dictionary again... The definition it gave for "obfuscate" was confusing and misleading.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you ever get in a knife fight with a group of clowns. Go for the juggler

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• A man was drinking the blood of a vampire... He said, "Hm, irony"

  Tags: one-liners

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• My five-year-old: "I don't want to be your daughter anymore. I QUIT!" No two-week notice or anything. She'd better not expect a reference.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Signwriters have their work cut out, don't they?

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• I was nervous about meeting new people on a cruise until I realised, we are all in the same boat.

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• Relationship status: Autocorrect changes my girl to my grill.

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• Two guys walked into a bar... you would have thought the second one would have ducked.

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• Why was Anakin Skywalker rejected for a credit card? Because he applied for a MasterCard.

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• I once fell in love with a girl that only knew 4 vowels. Unfortunately she didn't know I existed.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What kind kind of triangle is a tortilla chip? An i-salsa-les triangle

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• My sister bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti... You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

  Tags: one-liners

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• I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist's waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by... Most people hate it, but I'm a fan...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why wasn't the vampire working? He was on his coffin break.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did 50 Cent say to his grandmother when she made him a pair of socks? Gee, you knit?

  Tags: one-liners

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• When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call someone who puts a picture of themselves in a locket? Independent

  Tags: one-liners

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• Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st, be sure to lift your left leg. That way, you'll start the New Year on the right foot.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did KGB officers always travel in threes? One who could read, one who could write, and the third to watch over those two dangerous intellectuals.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sometimes people with a lot of cents have little sense.

  Tags: puns

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• Why was the fraction skeptics about marrying the decimal? He was sure he would have to convert.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 18,061 matches

  Tags: one-liners

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• When will pigs fly? When we launch them to mars for the astronauts to have bacon!

  Tags: one-liners, animal, food

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• What kind of environment do hobbits live in? A hobbitat

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why didn’t aliens visit our Solar system yet? Because they saw the reviews and it only had one star.

  Tags: one-liners

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• 0.666. ... beware the number of the millibeast.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I want my 11780 dollars. Dear Bank of America, I just want to find 11780 more dollars in my savings account.Everyone at your bank counted wrong.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• The problem with keeping an open mind is that all my ideas tend to fall out.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My tennis career has taught me that I can be the best basketball player ever. Nothing but net

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• When you try to prove to someone that something doesn't work, it will.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the paper clip say to the magnet? I find you very attractive.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My brother has been writing a stage drama about a dictionary and a thesaurus. I'm really looking forward to it. I love a play on words.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I didn't want to believe my father was stealing from the transportation department. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

  Tags: one-liners

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• An Apple store got robbed last night and $250,000 worth of equipment was stolen. Police are confident they can recover both the stolen machines.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Doctor doctor! I keep thinking I'm invisible! WHO SAID THAT?!?!?

  Tags: medical

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• Lawyers really aren't so bad, it's just ninety-nine percent of lawyers that make the rest look bad.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• "Where do you see yourself in five years?" "I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision."

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days? Because their kids have to play inside!

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Her: "Do you like cats?" Me flipping menu: "What page are you on?"

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Why can't two elephants go swimming? -They only have one pair of trunks.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was putting mustard on my sandwich and I had that strange feeling I had already done that. I was experiencing De'-Jonvu!

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• What's the difference between USA and USB? One has standards

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is it so easy to get a job as a percussion instructor? You just have to answer a few cymbal questions.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I thought it would be a cool idea to have sonic in real life. But apparently speed doesn’t make animals faster

  Tags: one-liners

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• This may sound arrogant but I think I could make a better Periodic Table.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• If Satan lost his hair there would be hell toupé.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How are snakes dangerous? They can’t even walk

  Tags: one-liners

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• Dates a zombie: so someone finally likes me for my brain.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I saw a sign that said "Falling rocks" I tried. It doesn't.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you have when life gives you melons? Dyslexia.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How to avoid clickbait? Not like this

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Many people are shocked when they find out.. That I’m a horrible electrician.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I knew a guy who was going to open a pastry shop. But he couldn't raise the dough.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Hey, are you -273.15°C? Yeah, I'm 0K thanks.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness' but it doesn't work.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Don't you just love whiteboards? They're remarkable.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's an advantage of being Swiss? The flag is a big plus.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners? Not a fan.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two criminals stole a calendar. They got six months each

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I asked the toy store manager where's the Arnold Schwarzenegger doll. He said "Aisle B Back"

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call an artist in a dark alley? Sketchy

  Tags: one-liners

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• Failure is not an option—it comes bundled with the software.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Sure, I may be slow, but I do lousy work.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• English can be weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you... I feel fine and I just had a really tasty leg of salmon...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where does a spy sleep? Under covers.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive... They would eventually find me attractive.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the mermaid rush out of her maths exam, red faced and embarrassed? Because her algaebra didn't hold up.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr.Dre

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters? He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I like decimal place jokes. Jokes about whole numbers just have no point.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My horse was way more aggressive than usual today. it threw me off

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why does sour cream have an Expiration date?

  Tags: misc

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• I told my therapist that no one understands me... She said, "What do you mean by that?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• The story was really great. That's why I was closing my eyes the whole time trying to imagine it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear? Sting was kidnapped! The Police still have no lead.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What sound does an airplane make when it bounces off the ground? Boeing.

  Tags: one-liners

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