Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrnog.

  Tags: one-liners

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• In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

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• What do you call sunscreen in Ireland? Pubs

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• My horse was way more aggressive than usual today. it threw me off

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• I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say. "Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!"

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• Why are Pokemon considered manly in Peru? It all dates back to the time of Macho-Pikachu

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do the Backstreet Boys and Algebra teachers have in common? They both want you to tell them Y.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Why is leather armor best for sneaking? It's literally made of hide.

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• Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Hi, how much for this torture device? Sir, that's a wedding ring.

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• If Microsoft ever makes a product that doesn't suck it'll be a vacuum!

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• Just been chatting to my neighbour's teenage daughter and it turns out she's really into UFOs and aliens. Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does a hockey game and an airboat have in common? Loud fans

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• My account got hacked. If you get a DM about meat from me, don't click on it. It's spam

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• The only thing Flat-Earthers fear. Is sphere itself.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Nobody knows, the never get to keep the house.

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• I have mixed opinions on Asia as a whole. For starters, while South Korea is absolutely lively, the rest of Asia is completely Seoulless!

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• i really like the name saturn. it has a nice ring to it

  Tags: one-liners

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• No matter what happens, there is always somebody who knew that it would.

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• They Mean Business...when it Comes to LIES?

  The devil is the father of lies, but he neglected to patent the idea, and the business now suffers from competition.

  Tags: misc

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• Bad news about shortbread! They're not making it any longer.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When everything's coming up roses, it's time to celebrate. But, when everything's coming up daisies, it's time to mourn.

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• My father was a kamikaze pilot in his youth. Not a very successful one, obviously.

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• The broom and dust pan will be kept in the hall closet from now on and I'm considering other sweeping changes around here.

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• Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Give a man a poison fish and feed him for the rest of his life.

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• Why did the walrus feel bad about himself? Because he was untuskworthy.

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• Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?

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• Just saw on the news that Apple is suing Samsung: They claim that the Galaxy S3 has copied concepts used on the iPhone 6.

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• I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines. He’s a Singer songwriter or sew it seams

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• The Lazy Bowl Reclining toilet: It's plush while you flush!

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• Fact. Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence, often goes undetected.

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• New technology uses bacteria to power a laptop. I guess you could say the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the dell

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• I hate Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves.

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• What starts with “E” and has only one letter in it? Envelope!

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• Why did the hipster drown? He went ice Skating before it was cool

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• No evidence is good enough for a Creationist... But no evidence is good enough for a Creationist.

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• I'm thinking of opening a pre-owned clock store... I'm gonna call it 'Second Hand'.

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• Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.

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• Did you know that 18 out of 10 people don't understand fractions?

  Tags: misc

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• Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.

  Tags: puns

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• What is Canada’s national board game? Sorry

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• If I had a dime for everytime I thought about you... I would definitely think about you

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• What do you get if you boil funnybones? A laughing stock.

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• When you have finished reading the dictionary? Every other book is just a remix.

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• I saw my neighbour going outside again and again to check his mailbox. When I asked why is he doing that, he replied - My computer says I have got mail.

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• Didn't that actress from Legally Blonde once eat cereal with a fork? No wait- she ate Reese With a spoon

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Alcohol is not always the answer but it’s worth a shot.

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• How did the mob identify the copper? By finding a wire!

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

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• My British friend asked me, "Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?" I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."

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• I'm kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer. Yeah, I gave 'em my too weak notice

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• What is Will Smith's favorite type of forensic evidence? Fresh prints.

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• What does the boss bacteria call his employees? His staph

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• When my mom told me to stop acting like a flamingo? I had to put my foot down.

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• I married a European chess master. He's my Czech mate.

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• Jimmy, your composition "My Dog" is the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? No, sir. It's the same dog.

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• The Omicron Variant is like a Katy Perry song. Mild but pretty catchy.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• What does a metal frog say? Rivet.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• In a messed up family, the child named Hope is goth, and the child named Faith is atheist.

  Tags: misc

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• Give a man a jacket, and he will be warm for the day. Teach a man to jacket, and he will never leave his house.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.

  Tags: tech

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• I dreamt about a horse last night. It turned out to be a night mare.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why does Kylo Ren have no friends? Because his whole life he's Ben Solo

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• Want to hear a REALLY dirty joke?

  Two white horses fell in the mud and three came out.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

  Tags: animal

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• Why can't proctologists get out of debt? They're always in arrears.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?

  Tags: misc

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• He call himself Iron man but his armours are actually made out of Titanium. Ironic

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• Rabbits don't know Addition or Subtraction but. they sure do know how to Multiply .

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• Whats a fedora clad, neck bearded gentlemen's favorite color? M'genta

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• An actual headline: "Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers"

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• Why did the Dog not answer the phone? Because of no collar ID

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• What do you call a cheetah that's been eaten? Fast food.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What do you call a stallion raised by a reclusive author on whole grain wheat? A Thoreau-bred thoroughbred fed thorough bread.

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• How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb? One, or two? Three, or four?

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• "When am I ever gonna use this?" Asked the student to the algebra teacher. "Well you won't, but one of the smart kids might" he replied cheerfully

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• I went to a wedding the other day. Two antennas were getting married. It wasn't much of a wedding ceremony, but it was one heck of a reception!

  Tags: puns

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• Be content with what you've got, but be sure you've got plenty of it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If there were a cord that insulted people... It would be called a discord

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• What do you call a bald porcupine? Pointless.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Drinking alcohol is like calculus. You have to know your limits.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

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• All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way.

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• A pencil and a scissors are having a debate. Everytime the pencil make a good point, the scissors get a little snippy.

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• If you ask Vanilla Ice's mother about his childhood... she'll tell you that he was a nice, nice baby.

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• I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.

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• Back when I played hockey, they used to call me "the Titanic." I looked pretty good until I hit the ice.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• My car mechanic called me and said, “You can pick up your car by 5 p.m.”. I said, “I don’t think I’ll be strong enough by then.”

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• I can sympathize with batteries. I never get included in anything either.

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• A man holding a large block of asphalt walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "A beer for me, and one for the road."

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• Why does sour cream have an Expiration date?

  Tags: misc

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• How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb? Well it depends on what you mean by change.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If nobody is perfect, and I'm a nobody, am I perfect?

  Tags: deep-thoughts

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• Marble is a valuable building material and should not be taken for granite.

  Tags: puns

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• How many Microsoft executives does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They just redefine 'darkness' as an industry standard.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

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• My son is proof that anyone can be successful enough to drive a BMW or Mercedes. And besides, he looks so cute in his valet parking attendant uniform.

  Tags: misc

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• You could say a lot of bad things about Switzerland. But their flag is a big plus.

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• My doctor said I need to cut back my sodium intake but I tend to take everything he says with a grain of salt.

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• “How much to buy a singing ensemble!?” I asked the clerk. Puzzled, he questioned, "You mean a choir?" “Fine! How much to acquire a singing ensemble!?”

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• What did the cable say when he was bullied by another cable? "Wire you so mean!"

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• When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

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• Why is Antarctica sad? cuz it's iceolated....

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sally can't sell seashells down by the seashore anymore... She was busted for conch-traband.

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• My aunt told me don’t blink because life goes by so fast. She now suffers from severe eye inflammation

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• I burnt 1200 calories yesterday! Forgot to take the pizza out of the oven...

  Tags: one-liners

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• What makes bows so accurate? Arrowdynamics.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I’m tearing out pages of the dictionary. I’m up to Mischief.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wish my cereal didn't get soggy so fast. But Life is often disappointing.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.

  Tags: misc

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• For a while, the magician Houdini used a trap door for every show he did. It was..just a stage he was going through.

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• Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st, be sure to lift your left leg. That way, you'll start the New Year on the right foot.

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• Diner: Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?Waiter: Look's like the backstroke sir!

  Tags: misc

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• A penguin walks into an airport... A TSA officer stops him and says "Penguins can't fly."

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• I didn't like my haircut at first. But it's growing on me.

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• At the end of the physics lecture, I asked the professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”. He said, “Sorry. There’s no time.”

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Today I quit drinking for good. now I only drink for evil

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• Is your refrigerator running? Because I'd vote for it.

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• What do you call a movie with Sonic the Hedgehog, and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does a triangle call a circle? Pointless.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Some acids walked into the enemy base... Threat Neutralized.

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• What do you call a wandering caveman? A Meanderthal.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

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• How do you change the number of sides on a Pentagon? Intersect it with a plane.

  Tags: one-liners

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• William P. Holcomb's job is to supervise the tracking down of Houston, Texas parking ticket violators. It was revealed that he himself had 375 unpaid tickets.

  Tags: at-work

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• What do you call a girl who stands in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Whats the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? BMWs have the pricks on the inside!

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• Why do they say "be there or be square"? because if you are square, you are not around.

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• I miss my old zoology teacher: Mrs. Turtle. Unusual name for a teacher, but she tortoise well.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The US has placed 18th for math... It sounds bad, I’m just glad we hit top ten.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Why can't Athiests solve exponential problems? Because they don't believe in higher powers.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

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• A man walks into a tailor to buy a tuxedo. He confidently tells the tailor he doesn’t need any assistance. The tailor says "Fine. Suit yourself."

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• How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. But the light bulb has to want to change.

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• Why does nobody like a rich stone? Because he takes everything for granite.

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• What has a bottom at its top? A leg

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• What sound does a Turkey make? "coup coup"

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• A research says that 75% of the people are good at Math. I am probably the remaining 35%

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• Why was the cheetah so bad at hide and seek ? No matter where she hid, she was always spotted.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10? I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"

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• If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

  Tags: misc

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• Why do they have braille on drive-thru ATMs?

  Tags: one-liners

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• There are a few criminals in my town that keep stealing wheels from parked police cars. The cops are working tirelessly to catch the suspects.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A Windows customer said when he closes his windows, they disappear.

  Tags: tech

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• Accidentally swiped my donor card instead of my debit card today... my groceries ended up costing me an arm and a leg

  Tags: one-liners

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• Never catch snowflakes on your tongue. until all the birds have gone south for the winter!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I sprayed my dog with spot remover. Now he is gone.

  Tags: animal

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• How can you tell if an arrow is nervous? See if it quivers.

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• Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder!

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• I used to have a job crushing cans in a soft drink factory all day. It was soda pressing.

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• If the opposite of pro is con, isn't the opposite of progress, congress?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the derivative of Amazon? Amazon Prime

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• What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? Laughing stock.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How did Harry Potter make it to the bottom of the hill? By walking... jk rolling

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• Just when you get really good at something, you don't need to do it any more.

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• Did you hear about the guy who invented knock-knock jokes? He won the nobel prize

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• On the other hand, you have different fingers.

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• Why did princess peach begin to choke? Because Mario came down the wrong pipe

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• What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond? The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a race over lava? A heated competition

  Tags: one-liners

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• Mary had a little lamb, fries and a coke.

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• "Master Yoda, are we on the right track?" "Off course, we are.."

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• In Arkansas, it is illegal to say the word Arkansas incorrectly.

  Tags: misc

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• Q: What happens when you take a Packard Bell, Windows 95, a grenade and put them together?A: A typical upgrade.

  Tags: misc

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• When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Your so boring, if you threw a boomerang, it wouldn't come back to you.

  Tags: misc

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• You are always stranded if the tire bursts in your Apple car. Because it has no jack.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. We don't address hardware issues.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Always be smarter than the inanimate object that you're working with.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My dad's bread factory burnt down. Now his business is toast

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't use pepper spray when I'm being robbed. I just open my wallet and blow the dust into their eyes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does idk stand for? Literally everyone I ask doesn't know.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia. She whispers, "They're right behind you!"

  Tags: one-liners

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• How are bats like real-estate agents? It’s all echo-location location location

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two men walk into a bar. The third man ducks.

  Tags: misc

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• Why did the pedestrian path finally crack? It got tired of constantly getting walked all over.

  Tags: one-liners

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• 5 years from now it'll be 2020... I can see it now... That's a perfect vision joke.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10am... I'm not really a mourning person.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I got hit in the head with a can of Dr. Pepper today. Luckily I’m not hurt, it was a soft drink

  Tags: one-liners

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• Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is Green Arrow's superpower? He can turn left whenever he wants.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just met the lead singer of Mushroomhead. He seems like a fungi

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

  Tags: one-liners

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• The Calbuco volcano is very hot right now... But everything around it is Chile.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• What do you call a person who keeps on talking after everyone's lost interest? A teacher

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you know you can actually eat lava? Only once though.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You guys know how the toothbrush was invented in the south? Because if it was invented in the north, it would've been called a teethbrush.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the difference between a grandfather clock and grandmother clock? The dong.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the main use for leather in the world? Holding cows together

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you make holy water? You take ordinary tap water and boil the hell out of it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call an Italian drug dealer in Asia? Narco Polo

  Tags: one-liners

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• I like decimal place jokes. Jokes about whole numbers just have no point.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do librarians hate tennis? Too much racket.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• I was once taught that nothing rhymes with silver... But to this day, I still don’t think they sound the same.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 didn't have a removable battery and blew up in everybody's pocket

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've just invented a telepathically controlled air freshener. Makes scents when you think about it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You know what would be a hilarious prank? Make people study for 18 years and dont give them a job.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you double the value of a Trabant? Fill up the tank!

  Tags: misc

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• I used to sit in front of the trombones in band. I would keep both my sheet music, as well as theirs, so I knew when to duck.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian . then soviet.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How Can You Tell If a Man's a Redneck?

  If he concentrates on the bottle because it says, "from concentrate!"

  Tags: misc

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• Why can't a Samsung be disguised as an iPhone? Because eventually, its cover would be blown.

  Tags: one-liners

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• In a few minutes, a hypnotist convinced me that I’m a metal with atomic number 82. Turns out I’m ....easily lead.

  Tags: one-liners, math, science

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• My dad has always told me that putting in a little effort and dedication on the job never hurt anyone. Then again, he never heard of worker's comp.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If Mac users care more about the environment more than Windows users. Then why do Macs have a trash can and Windows has a recycling bin?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the scariest thing to read in braile? "Do not touch"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are 490 Romans funny? Because XD

  Tags: one-liners

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• My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles' elbow.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If the Colts' QB was on your fantasy football roster. You're officially out of Luck this season.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do archaeologists get all the girls? Because they have the best dating techniques.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I got fired from my job at the cemetery yesterday... I made a grave mistake.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do whales like to draw with? A-krill-ic paint.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My 9 year old daughter made up this joke. "Why did the bull get fat?" Because he ate too many cowleries.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a cable that connects you directly to the heavens? An aethernet cable

  Tags: one-liners

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• What kind of sunglasses does Ned Flanders wear? Oakley Dokelys

  Tags: one-liners

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• Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Break ups are the worst in China. You see her face everywhere

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do psychics ask so many questions when they supposedly already know the answers?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Switzerland is a great country, with amazing views and nice people. And their flag is also great, which is a huge plus.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wanted to tell you all about a color I made up..... but, as it turns out, it was just a pigment of my imagination.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was walking past a building site when the guy hammering the roof called me a "paranoid little weirdo" In morse code

  Tags: one-liners

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• Wizard Of Oz (the Truth From Dorothy)

  Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I think my smartphone is broken. I keep pressing the Home button, but I'm still working.

  Tags: tech

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• "Where do you see yourself in five years?" "I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision."

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why can't two elephants go swimming? -They only have one pair of trunks.

  Tags: one-liners

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• And then there was the glass-blower who got hiccups and made 764 marbles.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you drown a hipster? Throw them into the mainstream.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you think about it, a muffin is just a bald cupcake!

  Tags: misc

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• Why do hockey rinks have curved corners? Because if they were 90 degrees, the ice would melt.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Just now, from my dad: Have you heard the new Christmas carol from India? We Vishnu a Merry Krishnas.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it just becomes a soap opera.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body that is required on it.

  Tags: misc

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• Why did KGB officers always travel in threes? One who could read, one who could write, and the third to watch over those two dangerous intellectuals.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Do you know why Sonic never chooses Heads? Cause he prefers Tails.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A sloth walks into a bar in the afternoon. Bartender: we are closing in 5 minutes

  Tags: one-liners

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• There's this dyslexic guy... he walked into a bra...

  Tags: bar

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• Why are the developers of NoMansSky called Hellogames? Because you never get a goodbuy from them

  Tags: one-liners

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• Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them

  Tags: one-liners

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