Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• How are women and a tornado alike? They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

  Tags: misc

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• What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

  Tags: puns

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• Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• These are actual lines out of OER (Officer Efficiency Report) performance appraisal for the military.

  Tags: military

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• When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there

  Tags: classic, general

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• How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two (think about it)

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Some Wocka jokes have been picked by the system as the "joke of the day". However, how can you know which day the joke was picked? Searching does not work, and it will be very tiring to browse page after page. Look at its comments and see in which day it received lots of comments!

  Tags: misc

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• Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• How many lightbulbs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 0. No lightbulbs want to torture their own kind!

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• At the end of a T.V. show, why do they say "filmed in front of a live audience?" Well, it wouldn't be a dead audience, would it?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the shy pebble wish for? That she was a little boulder.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Why did the designer break up with their font? Because it wasn't their type.

  Tags: classic, programming

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• No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

  Tags: computers

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• A drunk phones the police. He yells, "Come quick! Thieves have stolen my dashboard, steering wheel, brake and gas pedal, and my dang radio!! MY RADIO!!" The police are just about to send out an officer when the drunk phones back. He says very calmly, "Sorry officers. It turns out I just got in my backseat."

  Tags: bar

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• Women blink nearly twice as much as men. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest its self. The largest fish is the whale shark-it can be over 50 feet long and weigh 2 tons. The only continent without native reptiles or snakes is Antarctica.

  Tags: misc

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• "How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles."My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."

  Tags: money

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• Q: How many publishers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Three. One to screw it in and two more to hold down the editor.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• 2 = special administrative regions in China. (Hong Kong and Macau)

  Tags: misc

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• If the entire world was a stage and God was the director, what we need is a rehearsal.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Knock Knock. Who's there? Swen. Swen who? Swen are you going let me in!?

  Tags: knock-knock

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• Why do they call them "apartments" when they're so close together?

  Tags: misc

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• A girl was throwing stones at a cow. Her father came & scolded her for throwing the stones at the cow & then told to her that cows are like mothers to them & should be respected. Next day guests come to their to their house & asked for her father. She said "Father is pressing breast of mother".

  Tags: children

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• You can fool all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, and that should be sufficient for most purposes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Tonto and the Lone Ranger were lost on the prairie one day. The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "Use your Indian instincts and get us out of this mess." Tonto bends down and puts his ear to the ground. He turns and says to the Lone Ranger, "Buffalo come." The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "How do you know?" Tonto says, "Ear sticky."

  Tags: animal

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• What do you call a Canadian fire? A Calgary Flame.

  Tags: sports

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• It has been determined. The most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position. The husband sits and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead.

  Tags: misc

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• I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a delay. Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated. "I'm having a problem," she announced. "The ice keeps melting."

  Tags: misc

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• A kid is asking questions about many professionals, when they urgently need to go to the rest rooms:

  Tags: music

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• You are young and beautiful, have 2 university degrees, and are fluent in 3 languages. You have long blonde hair, long legs and a killer smile and you want to earn a salary no less than 100 000$ per year. That's nice. But we need a plumber.

  Tags: misc

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• Why did the rooster cross the road? He heard that the chickens at KFC were pretty hot.

  Tags: classic, general

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• A person soon learns how little he knows when a child begins to ask questions.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A woman in a cafe had ordered turtle soup, but changed her mind and asked for pea soup instead. She heard the waiter call, "Hold the turtle, make it pea!" At the next table, a man ordered the fish, but when the waiter brought it, he was holding the fish on the plate. When asked why he was holding it on the plate, he said he didn't want it to fall on the floor again.

  Tags: misc

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• Be content with what you've got, but be sure you've got plenty of it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Ever walk into a room and forget what you came in for? Well, that's probably how dogs spend most of their lives...

  Tags: animal

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• Talk about anything you want here. O.K. I will. You really need to quit submitting jokes like this. Anybody agree with me?

  Tags: one-liners

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• -Knock Knock! -Who's there? -You know. -You know who? -Thats right, avada kedavra!

  Tags: knock-knock

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• What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko.

  Tags: puns

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• Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• If at first you don't succeed ... avoid skydiving.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sometimes people with a lot of cents have little sense.

  Tags: puns

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• How is it we look in a dictionary to figure out how to spell something if we don't know how to spell it?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Knock-Knock Why are you knocking? I've got a doorbell

  Tags: knock-knock

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• This 40 year old guy is driving home from work and he pulls into his driveway, walked up to his apartment, and then sees his girlfriend with her bag packed up. He says, "Honey, why are you leaving me"she say, " cus I hear you're a pedifile!"He responds, "Pedifile?... Thats a pretty big word for a 10 year old, don't you think?"

  Tags: children

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• The Englishman and the Scotsman both walk into a bar. The Irishman ducks under it.

  Tags: bar

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• Since workaholics are people addicted to work and chocaholics are people addicted to chocolate, are catholics people addicted to cats?

  Tags: puns

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• How do locomotives know where they're going? Lots of training

  Tags: classic, general

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• Q. Why was the Chunnel built under the English Channel? A. So the French government could to flee to London.

  Tags: misc

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• I passed my ethics exam. Naturally, I cheated.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How can you spot a happy motorcyclist? By the bugs in his teeth.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

  Tags: misc

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• Why does sour cream have an Expiration date?

  Tags: misc

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• For all of you who say I need anger management... Just to let you know, if I could control my anger, I'd destroy you with it!

  Tags: one-liners

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• A out-of-towner in New York decided to re-visit a fine uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city.Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he began, "Hey, you know, it's been over five years since I first came in here. . .""You'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the harried waiter. "I can only serve one table at a time."

  Tags: misc

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• To add a joke to this list: Click the "Add to My Favorites" link when you are viewing a joke. To get rid of one of your favorite jokes: Go to your favorite jokes page. Next to each joke there is a garbage can icon. Click on the icon to get rid of that joke from your favorite's page.

  Tags: misc

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• A chicken and an egg check into a cheap motel room.Moments later the chicken sits up against the headboard and lights a cigarette. The egg says, "Well, that settles that."

  Tags: misc

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• Why do wizards clean their teeth three times a day? To prevent bat breath!

  Tags: classic, general

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• Teacher: Joey, your behavior is terrible! How many more times am I going to have to keep you in after school? Joey: 97. Teacher: 97? Joey: Yeah. That's how many days are left until the summer holidays.

  Tags: children

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• What is a horse's favourite Shakepearean play? Rodeo and Juliet

  Tags: one-liners

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• Meteorologists - People who tell something wrong and still get paid.

  Tags: at-work

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• The lady golfer was a determined, if not very proficient player. At each swipe she made at the ball, earth flew in all directions. "Gracious me," she exclaimed red-faced to her caddie, "the worms will think there's an earthquake." "I don't know," replied the caddie, "the worms round here are very clever. I'll bet most of them are hiding underneath the ball for safety."

  Tags: sports

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• This is true! In a speech George W. Bush made in 2001 he concluded: But all in all, my wife and I have had a wonderful year! (2001 was the year that the Twin Towers were destroyed)

  Tags: misc

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• Similiarity between a woman and a computer!Both can accept a 3.5 inch floppy

  Tags: women

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• Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up? Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

  Tags: classic, programming

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• I had a great memory once, but I don't know where I left it. You haven't seen it lying around anywhere have you? No? No what?

  Tags: misc

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• I am sure most people have heard of or watched the popular show the Ozbournes and still more people have Heard Ozzy sing. My question is how can Ozzy sing if he can't talk???

  Tags: misc

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• What if there were no hypothetical questions?Why does the word 'monosyllabic' have so many syllables?

  Tags: misc

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• Why did the mushroom get invited to the party? Because he was a fungi.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Three blondes walk into a forest and soon find a pair of tracks.The first blonde says: "I think they're deer tracks."The second blonde says: "No, I think they're bear tracks."The third blonde says: "You're both wrong! They're bird tracks!"Then they get hit by a train.

  Tags: blonde-jokes

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• I don't believe in reincarnation, which is strange, because in a previous existence, I did.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the private classes break up? Because they never saw each other.

  Tags: classic, programming

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• One day two robins walked along the road, planning their day. Robin #1:Oh my god, we totally have to get some bronzing oil! Robin #2:Duh, I mean if are going to spend the whole day at the beach we totally have to! That day while the robins were tanning on the beach a big bad fox came along. He took one look at them and said: Fox:Mmmm, I love Baskin' Robins!

  Tags: puns

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• A priest was walking down the street when he saw a little boy jumping up and down to try to reach a doorbell. So the priest walked over and pressed the button for the youngster. "And now what, my little man?" he asked. "Now," said the boy, "run like hell!"

  Tags: children

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• Once there was a girl at a restaurant and ordered anything in a saucer. The waiter was walking to her table when the girl tripped him. The waiter said "Why did you trip me?" And the girl, without the least of the waiter's worries simply said "I wanted to see a flying saucer!"

  Tags: misc

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• An actual headline: Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted.

  Tags: misc

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• Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A licalottapus!

  Tags: animal

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• Q. What did the father buffalo say to the son buffalo when he left for school? A. Bison!

  Tags: animal

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• Texan: "Where are you from?" Harvard graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions." Texan: "OK, where are you from, Jackass?"

  Tags: college

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• A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old lawyers gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape."It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got out with $25 between us.""I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!" the boss screamed. "We had over $100 when we broke in!"

  Tags: misc

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• A guy walks into a bar with a frog on his forehead and says "Bartender give me a scotch on the rocks." The bartender returns with the drink, and being kind of curious about the pair, asks: "If you don't mind my asking, how'd you end up with that thing on you?" Immediately the frog replies, "I don't know, it started out as a wart on my ass!".

  Tags: men

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• I know the day I gave up exercise. You wanna know? Check my birth certificate.

  Tags: misc

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• Q. Why was the Gum so mad in class? A. It was Chewed Out!

  Tags: misc

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• Q: What is a cat's favorite game? A: Go Fish!

  Tags: animal

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• A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. "The other night I dreamed I was a Ferrari. Another night I dreamed I was a BMW. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?" "Relax," says the doctor; "you're just having an auto-body experience."

  Tags: medical

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• What do you call a lonely fisherman? A Master-Baiter

  Tags: animal

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• How many moves, at least, are required to checkmate in chess? Four moves. 1.f4 e5 2.g4 Qh4#

  Tags: misc

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• The Chinese say: Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The door bell rings, and a man answers it. Here stands Little Johnny, dressed well but plainly, who says, "Trick or Treat!" The man asks Johnny what he's dressed up like that for at Halloween. Little Johnny says, "I'm an IRS agent"; then he takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say Thank You.

  Tags: misc

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• How are the Points Calculated?

  For a complete breakdown of how points are calculated, please read the Site Rules. You can get to the site rules by going to the FAQ's and the first answer gives you a link to the Site Rules.

  Tags: misc

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• Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.

  Tags: math, classic

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• Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? A: One drunk Irishman

  Tags: misc

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• A man awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found that the curtains were drawn around him. "Why are the curtains closed?" he said. "Is it night?" A nurse replied, "No, it's just that there is a fire across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful."

  Tags: medical

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• What did the ocean say to the shore?

  Nothing. It just waved.

  Tags: puns, ocean

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• What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb? A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Tonto and the Lone Ranger were lost one day. The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, 'Use your Indian instincts and get us out of this mess.'Tonto bends down and put his ear to the ground. He turns and says to the Lone Ranger, 'Buffalo come.' The Lone Ranger says to Tonto 'How do you know?' Tonto Says 'Ear sticky'

  Tags: misc

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• What do you call sad coffee? Despresso.

  Tags: classic, general

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• If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Man: How many asian people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Asian Man: Whats a lightbulb?

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Eager to make full use of my new computer's capabilities, I asked a customer-service representative at my bank whether it offered on-line banking. "Certainly," she stated matter-of-factly, pointing to a crowd of people near the tellers. "The line starts over there."

  Tags: tech

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• Can you decipher this phrase? LINE = End of the Line!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the elephant cross the road? Because the chiken retired.

  Tags: animal

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• As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

  Tags: misc

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• Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible." Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

  Tags: puns

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• What's invisible and very frightened? A ghost with the sheet scared out of him.

  Tags: misc

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• A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client with a note that said, "This bill is one year old. "By return mail, the lawyer received the bill back with a note attached to it, saying: "Happy Birthday. "

  Tags: misc

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• Teacher: "Simon! What does it mean if the barometer falls?" Simon: "Err.. The nail's come out of the wall, miss?"

  Tags: children

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• Are you overworked, under paid, over-regulated, under-leisured, and underbenefited? Take heart! Not only could it be worse, it has been. This notice was found in the ruins of a London office building. It was dated 1852:

  Tags: business

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• The first TV remote control, introduced in 1950, was called Lazy Bones. Lemon sharks can give birth to about 36 babies at one time. The top of the Empire State Building was originally built as a place to anchor blimps. The area code in Cape Canaveral, Fl, is 321.

  Tags: misc

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• Last time my friend went to the zoo, he got in trouble for feeding the monkeys... ...to the lions.

  Tags: animal

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• What do you get when you cross an eagle with a jeep and a dog? A flying car-pet!

  Tags: animal

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• Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn? A: Where's pop corn?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call the planters guy beating up fruit spread? Peanut battering jelly.

  Tags: puns

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• Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out). A: It's out?? Sell my G.E. stock NOW!

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• What do you call a computer mouse that swears a lot? A cursor!

  Tags: classic, programming

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• What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday...the rest are weekdays.

  Tags: classic, general

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• To help students remember the word for "wear" in Latin, the professor used the phrase: semper ubi, sub ubi Translation: Always wear under wear.

  Tags: college

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• Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court.The judge asked, 'Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?'Phil replies, 'Yes Judge, that is correct.''And how do you explain this unusual conduct?' the judge inquires.Phil replies, 'I didn't want to interrupt her Your Honor.'

  Tags: men

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• Why can't you use "Beef stew"as a password? Because it's not stroganoff.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Can You Decipher This Phrase? B O N E S Broken bones!

  Tags: animal

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• There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where do hamburgers go to dance? The meat-ball.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change. A: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• What's the worst thing about ancient history class? The teachers tend to Babylon.

  Tags: classic, general

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• What did the wall say to the picture? How's it hangin`?

  Tags: misc

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• Have You Ever Seen Moth Balls?

  Have you ever seen Moth Balls? You have!!! How did you get their teeny, tiny and poor little legs apart? Ya fiend!

  Tags: animal

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• Teacher: Why are you late?Webster: Because of the sign.Teacher: What sign?Webster: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

  Tags: misc

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• What's the definition of Endless Love? Stevie Wonder playing Ray Charles at Tennis! Endless Love!

  Tags: sports

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• How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb? Only one - but he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Q: Why DIDN`T the skull cross the road? A: Because he didn`t have the guts!

  Tags: misc

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• The sheriff of a small western town was also the town veterinarian. Late one night the phone rang, and his wife answered it. "Is your husband there?" asked an agitated voice. "Do you require my husband's services as a sheriff or as a veterinarian?" She asked. "Both," came the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

  Tags: misc

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• The trouble with doing nothing is that you never know when you are finished.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: Why could Long John Silver never find an aspirin? A: 'Cause his parrots ate them all.

  Tags: puns

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• Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin ? A. You come in one and go in the other.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Which fish is the most valuable in the sea? A goldfish.

  Tags: animal

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• Vini vedi velcro (I came, I saw, I stuck around)

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does this represent? WRIST WRIST Tourists! (two wrists)

  Tags: misc

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• Q: How many Floridians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Don't know for sure, they're still counting.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• How do spell mousetrap with only three letters? C-A-T

  Tags: animal

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• Knock, knock! Who's there? Sobers. Sobers who? Sau baras se khatkhata rahen hain, Ab to darwazaa kholo.

  Tags: knock-knock

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• One night, a little boy and his father were having a conversation. The father asked the boy, "Can you say your ABC's, son?" "Yes I can! A...B..C..." and he goes through the whole alphebet. The father then said, "That's good, but can you say it backwords?" The boy smiles and says, "yeah", so he turns around and says, "A...B...C..."

  Tags: children

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• Why couldn't the Human Torch get married? He couldn't find his Match!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What was a more important invention than the first telephone? The second one.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Where does batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.

  Tags: classic, general

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• I joined a health club last year, spent about $400, and haven't lost a pound. Apparently, you have to show up.

  Tags: sports

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• I found this attached to a halloween scythe: BE SURE HEAD IS ATTACHED BEFORE USE.

  Tags: one-liners

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• An attorney was on his deathbed in the hospital.When a friend came to visit, he found the lawyer frantically leafing through the Bible."What are you doing?" the visitor asked.The sick lawyer replied, "Looking for loopholes."

  Tags: misc

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• Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. "One thing about my buddy, here," the other man said proudly to the bartender, "Nobody can say he doesn't know when to stop!"-*-Q: What two, 4-letter words do men hate?A: Don't and stop... unless used together.

  Tags: misc

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• What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a pig? Jurassic pork!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Activate your own virus... type "WIN" at the prompt.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do the chinese get their names? Their parents kick a can down the street... ching chang chung bing....

  Tags: misc

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• Q: Where does a blackbird go for a drink? A: To a crow bar.

  Tags: animal

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• A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this stuff?"

  Tags: blind-jokes

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• In the morning elephants put springs on their feet and jump around the jungle. Now the most fearsome sound to a monkey is "Boing Boing"

  Tags: animal

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• Did you see that movie about the pirate? It's rated Arrr!

  Tags: puns

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• Q: How many presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb? A: Fewer and fewer all the time.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• What did the beaver say to the tree? It's been nice gnawing you.

  Tags: classic, general

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• How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler!

  Tags: one-liners

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• After a nice dinner the two couples got up from the table. The ladies went into the kitchen and the men went into the family room. One of the gents said to the other, "I think it is so wonderful how you call your wife, "honey pie" and "sweet pea", and "sugar" all the time. The other gent said, "Well to tell you the truth, four years ago, I forget her name."

  Tags: men

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• My dad has always told me that putting in a little effort and dedication on the job never hurt anyone. Then again, he never heard of worker's comp.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Intelligence? I Think Not!

  What do you call an intelligent man in America? A tourist.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "So what's your dog's name?" "I don't know. He won't tell me."

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory? Lack of concentration.

  Tags: classic, general

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• The Perfect Breakfast: You're sitting at the table and: your son is on the cover of the box of Wheaties.... your mistress is on the cover of Playboy ... and your wife is on the back of the milk carton...

  Tags: misc

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• Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise. A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke. A: One. He gives it to five Oregonians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke. A: In an earlier article, zeus!bobr writes:

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Fool me once shame on you Fool me twice shame on me Fool me thrice you are not nice Fool me four times and I am gonna cap your sorry ass.

  Tags: puns

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• Why were the police at the baseball game? Because someone stole second base!

  Tags: sports

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• Why was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years?Because men refuse to ask for directions!

  Tags: misc

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• Good friends are the ones who will bail you out of jail. But... TRUE friends are the ones who wil be sitting next to you in prison and say, "You know, we sure messed up there, buddy!"

  Tags: misc

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• A young boy asks his dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?" Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there is also my son; that's confidential!"

  Tags: animal

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• A Michigan circuit judge tells about a divorce suit he handled recently."I think you might as well give your husband a divorce," he advised the wife."What!" shouted the lady."I have lived with this bum for twenty years, and now I should make him happy?"

  Tags: misc

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• Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do mathematicians hate the U.S.? Because it's indivisible.

  Tags: classic, general

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• How To Annoy People In An Elevator: Ask, "Did you hear that cable snapping sound?" Call the psychic hotline from you cell phone, and ask if they know what floor you're on. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!" Hum the theme from Mission Impossible with yours eyes darting around the elevator.

  Tags: misc

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• What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with? A chair, a bed, and a toothbrush!

  Tags: misc

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• A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed. The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."

  Tags: bar-jokes

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• Q: How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb? A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Why do blondes wear red lipstick?Because green means stop

  Tags: misc

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• Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

  Tags: misc

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• Is that a mirror in your jeans? Because I can see myself in them.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q:How many egotists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A:Just one. He holds up the lightbulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• These are actual comments left on Forest Service comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

  Tags: misc

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• A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms?"

  Tags: children

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• My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

  Tags: children

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• One day in the 1800's a father asked his child to go get some nuts and berries. She went around and got nuts and berries from every boy she knew. When she showed her dad he said, "That's not what I meant!"

  Tags: misc

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• Why did the tent agree to stand up all night? He was roped into it!

  Tags: puns

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• What animal is always at a game of cricket? A bat.

  Tags: classic, general

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• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

  Tags: misc

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• What's the worst part about being a cross-eyed teacher? They can't control their pupils.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother? New Recruit: Call for backup!

  Tags: at-work

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• What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.

  Tags: one-liners

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• At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been cancelled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"

  Tags: misc

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• Q: What is the difference between a fish and a piano ? A: You can't tuna fish.

  Tags: misc

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• If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one great education!

  Tags: one-liners

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• A patient wakes up after having surgery to remove a gangrenous leg. Doctor: "I have good news and bad news." Patient: "What's the bad news?" Doctor: "The bad news is that we amputated the wrong leg." Patient: "That's terrible! What's the good news?" Doctor: "We think the other leg is going to make it alright."

  Tags: medical

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• Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen? A: That's the proper place to wash vegetables.

  Tags: misc

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• What was the last thing that Abraham Lincoln did? He died.

  Tags: misc

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• "I'm very sorry sir, but I don't have my homework with me- I left my bag on the bus." "Well done! A+"

  Tags: misc

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• A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

  Tags: one-liners

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• Can you decipher this phrase? cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat Copy cat!

  Tags: misc

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• I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

  Tags: animal

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• Why do cats raise their tails when you stroke their backs? To let you know you've reached the end of the cat.

  Tags: animal

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• The difference between the Pope and your boss.... The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• This is a fun way to irritate your friends and family on your answering machine! On your answering machine - "Hello?" pause, "What's up?" pause again, "Oh, well you must feel pretty stupid right now because you're talking to my answering machine! So leave a message!" Beep.

  Tags: misc

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• A gazelle goes out for her usual afternoon walk. About an hour later, she realizes that she is lost out in the open. Unskilled in the ways of the real world, she asks a cheetah, "Excuse me sir, do you know what time it is?" With a grin, the cheetah said, "It's lunchtime."

  Tags: animal

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• Bob: I'm going to go ride my spaceship. Jack: What's a spaceship? Bob: Dunno, I'll go invent it.

  Tags: misc

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• Atlas is the biggest thief in history, because he held up the whole world.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did Dracula lie in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.

  Tags: classic, general

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• There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

  Tags: puns

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• Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Q: What did one arithmetic book say to the other? A: I have a lot of problems.

  Tags: puns

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• If it weren't for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for everybody.

  Tags: puns

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• What is the world's sharpest thing? A fart! It goes through your pants without leaving a hole!

  Tags: misc

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• Knock knock. Who's there? Doughnut. Doughnut who? I doughnut want to know if you're sick!

  Tags: knock-knock

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• How does the barber cut the moon's hair? E-clipse it

  Tags: puns

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• Q: How many teamsters does it take to change a light bulb? A: ''Twelve. Ya got a problem with that?''

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Q: Why is an elephant gray, large and wrinkled? A: Because if it were small, round, and white, it would be an aspirin. Q:What did the cat who had no money say?A:I'm paw.Q: What do you get if you cross an alley cat with a Chinese cat?A: A Peking Tom.Q: What happened to the cat that swallowed a ball of wool?A: She had mittens.

  Tags: animal

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• Teacher: "Johnny, what is the outside of a tree called?" Johnny: "I don't know." Teacher: "Bark, Johnny, bark." Johnny: "Bow, wow, wow!"

  Tags: children

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• Knock Knock! Who's there? Who! Who who? You must have the stammers!

  Tags: knock-knock

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• What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? A: Because it had no body to go with.

  Tags: misc

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• If winners never quit, and quitters never win... Who was the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead".

  Tags: puns

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• Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Knock Knock. Who's there? Toulose. Toulose who? I don't want to lose to anybody!

  Tags: knock-knock

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• Q. Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?A. They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

  Tags: state-jokes

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• A horse walked into a bar. The barman said, "Why the long face?"

  Tags: animal

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• Two politicians were carrying on a conversation in a restaurant when all of a sudden, one yelled at the other, "You're lying!".The other politician responded, "I know, but hear me out."

  Tags: misc

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• Why did the programmer go to art school? He wanted to learn how to code outside the box.

  Tags: classic, programming

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• Bought the wife a hamster fur coat for her birthday, she was delighted with it. We went to the fair; took me 4 hours to get her off the big wheel!

  Tags: animal

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• Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• What's black and white and makes a lot of noise? A zebra with a drum.

  Tags: animal

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• A stockbroker is beginning his jail sentence for fraud, and meets his cell-mate for next seven years. He stares in shock at the weirdo next to him, when the psycopath says, "Don't worry, I'm in here for a white-collar crime as well." The stockbroker is very relieved, and asks what crime the man had committed. The wild-haired, unkempt freak replies, "I killed a priest!"

  Tags: misc

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• If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?

  Tags: heaven-and-hell

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• (These are fake books, but they make me laugh) "Spots on the Wall" by Hoo-flung-poo "Under the Bleachers" by Seamore Butts "Ten Steps from the Outhouse" by Willie Makeit, Illustrations by Bettie Cant

  Tags: misc

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• Joe: Do you know the difference between a chicken and lettuce? Jill: No. Joe: Remind me not to send you to the supermarket!

  Tags: misc

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