Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• I once worked as a salesman and was very independent; I took orders from no one.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What’s it called when a tractor waits for a pedestrian to cross? Crop yield

  Tags: one-liners

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• Whats ET short for. It’s because his legs are little

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sometimes, when I'm cruising the city in a $200K vehicle, I lean back and think, "If the bus driver doesn't speed up I'll be late for work."

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, money

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• Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a shrimp that gets run over by a car? Road Krill

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil? A: Because it's pointless!

  Tags: one-liners

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• She was only a whisky maker's daughter, but he loved her still.

  Tags: puns

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• A boy asked his dad for 10$ of bitcoin. "$9.57? Why do you need $11.48?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• The next iPhone won't be a failure. In fact, it'll be a huge 6S.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about what happened to the really offensive joke about cows? [remooved]

  Tags: one-liners

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• Not to brag, but I have sychic powers. For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot!”

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do tigers always beat cheetahs at hide-and-seek? They've never been spotted.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What is the most dangerous position in chess? C4

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Not all math puns are bad. Just sum

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• What if there were no hypothetical questions?Why does the word 'monosyllabic' have so many syllables?

  Tags: misc

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• Just trying to give my kids a few childhood memories they don't have to repress...

  Tags: one-liners

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• My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing... Probably because it's a Dell

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• My parents, age 25: "We have a mortgage, a baby and a pension plan!" Me, age 25: "It's 3am and i can't afford an uber good thing i wore my running shoes!"

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• I entered a my pet snail into a race and removed its shell thinking it would make it faster... Unfortunately, it only made it more sluggish.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I had a dime for every math problem I get wrong. I'd have $1.46

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• The person who invented the door knock won the No-bell prize.

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• I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. Turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

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• If Dodge made an electric car... Would it be called a Dodge Chargeable

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• All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way.

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• I would give my dad what he really wants on Father's Day, but I can't afford to move out yet.

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• I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant. but then I changed my mind

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• There are three kinds of people in this world, those who can count, and those who can not!

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• What did the paper clip say to the magnet? I find you very attractive.

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• I asked my mother where I have been born when she told me in a hospital. I responded: "Mom was I ill?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• My bank has a new feature where they'll text you your bank balance. I think it's pretty cool. I just don't think they should end the text with "LOL", though.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• My two friends persuaded me to dress up as prepeller blades with them. At first I wasnt sure but now I'm a huge fan.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M's because let's be honest here.

  Tags: one-liners, food, sports

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• Q: Did you hear about the man with a broken left arm and broken left leg? A: Don't worry he's "ALRIGHT" now!

  Tags: one-liners

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• My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper. looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again

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• The wife ran into the house, screaming to her actor husband, "Darling, come quick. Your kids and my kids are beating up on our kids!"

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• A local barber was arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 5 years. I never knew he was a barber

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• I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist. It's called 'Facebook'

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• Did you hear about the tree that made an Ash of itself?

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• If at first you don't suceed...lower your standards!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I asked Sinatra what his favorite cereal was, an you know what he said? That’s Life

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record. I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

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• I will have enough money for the rest of my life. Of course, if I don't buy and eat anything.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Why was the horse so happy? Because he lived in a stable environment.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents? Because the rest of the letters are not-E.

  Tags: one-liners

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• There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Why did the mermaid rush out of her maths exam, red faced and embarrassed? Because her algaebra didn't hold up.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I got lost in your eyes. But I also get lost in most department stores, so I wouldn't read too much into it.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What do you call a cable that connects you directly to the heavens? An aethernet cable

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• What's a monster's favorite bean? A human bean.

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• Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.

  Tags: one-liners

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• BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered an amazing fact about icebergs... More below.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "Fortnite" is a terrible name for a game. It's too weak.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was named after my dad. Because I couldn’t have possibly been named before him

  Tags: one-liners

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• My neighbors listen to awesome music. whether they like it or not.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Have you heard about the amazing new discovery? It's a pill that is half aspirin and half glue for people who suffer from splitting headaches.

  Tags: misc

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• I'm good at multitasking and procrastinating, which means right now there are at least 28 things that I'm putting off until later.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call six weeks of rain in Scotland? Summer!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did Pavlov have extra soft hair? Classical conditioning

  Tags: one-liners

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• "Doctor, Every time I drink coffee I get pain in my eye." "Take the spoon out of your cup."

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.

  Tags: one-liners

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• There are so many scams on the Internet these days.... but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• A person with an art degree walks into a bar. They then head behind the counter and start serving drinks.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sign at an office: Would the person who removed the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

  Tags: misc

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• Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg. The Gregorian calendar

  Tags: one-liners

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• Our conscience is clear- we don't use it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said: ‘dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’

  Tags: one-liners

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• In a place without geometry life is pointless.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• What has a head, a tail, and no body? A coin!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Any of you been to Uruguay or Paraguay? If you ever wanna go I Knowaguay.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I said, "That's the last thing I need."

  Tags: one-liners

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• I hate when people ask for likes... Like if you agree!

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Many people are shocked when they find out.. That I’m a horrible electrician.

  Tags: one-liners

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• An Apple store near where I live got robbed. $25k worth of merchandise was stolen. The police said that they will get both computers back.

  Tags: one-liners

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• There's a pigeon walking up the driveway. I don't care what he wants. I'm not answering the door.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer ...oh wait, he does.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• What do whales like to draw with? A-krill-ic paint.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Guys, the USA is looking pretty bad... I think its time for USB.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Just got a job as senior director at Old MacDonald's Farm... I’m the CIEIO

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? She will Let It Go!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student? Because education pays off in the long run!

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• 1 out of 5 people suffer from loneliness. So, if you look around and you don’t see the other 4 people, they’re out having fun without you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If every day is a gift, I'd like a receipt for Monday. I want to exchange it for another Friday.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What did baby corn say to mommy corn? Where's popcorn?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I used to be an adventurer until I went to Antarctica. Thats when things went south

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the Internet was a thing. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters, and they didn't know either

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the Investigator question the flat iron? To straighten things out.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Why didn't the green pepper practice archery? Because it didn't habanero.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why was Cinderella banned from playing sports? Because she always ran away from the ball.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• I tried to escape the Apple store. I couldn't because there were no Windows.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• So the iPhone 7 gets arrested... He puts on his earpods and smugly declares "sorry, you can't charge me while I'm using my headphones".

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the fastest liquid on earth? Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear? Sting was kidnapped! The Police still have no lead.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, and he'll eat for a lifetime.

  Tags: one-liners

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• So my neighbour knocked on my door at 3am.. 3 AM! Can you believe that?! He was lucky I was still playing on my drumkit..

  Tags: one-liners

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• There's nothing like the joy on a kid's face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did Wendy do when Captain Hook frightened her? Peter Pans

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a stolen Tesla? An Edison.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wonder if Buzz and woody had ever met Andy's mom's toys. They probably have the same names

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat? Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are 490 Romans funny? Because XD

  Tags: one-liners

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• If a kid asks where rain comes from, I tell him, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, I tell him, "Probably because of something you did."

  Tags: misc

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• To be frank. I'd have to get a new ID card.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I estimate I have enough energy to attend two more social events in my lifetime.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'll only go to elementary school reunions because those people didn't start to hate me until we were in high school.

  Tags: one-liners

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• 'Do Not Touch' Must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I called up GameStop customer support. They told me to hold.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I want to be a millionaire just like my dad!! “Wow, your dad’s a millionaire?” “No, but he always wanted to be.”

  Tags: one-liners

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• Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• A donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though. Because even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is Empire Strikes Back the best Star Wars movie? It's a perfect 5/7.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to use the stairs... one step at a time.

  Tags: one-liners

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• the flat earth society has members all around the globe

  Tags: one-liners

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• Growing up, my dad said we should treat him like a god so we pretty much ignored him until we were sick, hurt, or broke.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Last night a movie theater was robbed of $1000 dollars. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal and a pack of skittles.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Dinosaur Fact. Towards the end of the Jurassic period, the Thesaurus was the first Dinosaur to become extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is Mr. T's favorite month? April, fools

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm looking to sell my Delorean. Good shape, low mileage... Only driven from time to time.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The Romans had to give up their big holidays because of the tremendous overhead. The lions ate up all of their prophets.

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• My teenage daughter is really acting odd.. She can’t even

  Tags: one-liners

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• I childproofed the house… but they still get in!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Whoever said nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door.

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• My professor told me that I’m failing my ethics class. So I slid 20 dollars across the table and said _what about now...?_

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many of the phrases in English are palindromes? Not a ton

  Tags: one-liners

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• I had my first date last night! Such an underrated fruit.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a broken can opener? A can't opener

  Tags: one-liners

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• They say you can’t get a decent job without education. But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wanted to be an astronaut but my parents told me the sky was the limit.

  Tags: one-liners

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• ___________________________________. With all the bad jokes going around, I had to draw the line somewhere.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning? Apparently they still have 500 million users.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What kind kind of triangle is a tortilla chip? An i-salsa-les triangle

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• What did one plate say to the other? "Lunch is on me."

  Tags: one-liners

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• How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself? With a hare dryer!

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What did one pencil say to the other pencil? You're looking sharp!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Fun fact: "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound. . . At least, I'm pretty sure that's correct.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

  Tags: children

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• Then there was the dyslexic robber who held up the bank with a gnu.

  Tags: puns

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• I am thinking about pursuing a job as a crowd estimator. I wonder how many people are in that field

  Tags: one-liners

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• My 4 year old niece's unintentional dirty joke. Why did the fan blow itself? Because it was turned on!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: What did the Dorito say to the other Dorito. A: I can't tell you it was to cheesy.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Light travels faster than sound! That's why some people appear bright until they talk.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My mouth has turned into a flower bed. It has tulips.

  Tags: puns

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• So apparently RSVP'ing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• I don’t have a “dad bod.”. I have a father figure.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Interviewer: "We're looking for someone who is responsible." Me: "A lot of things went wrong at my last job and everyone said I was responsible. "

  Tags: one-liners

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• When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor".

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, medical

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• Why did the robot go on summer vacation? He needed to recharge his batteries.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• The other day I held the door for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What type of pasta is best eaten on its own? Ravi-lonely.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you measure the quality of a dadjoke? With a sighsmograph

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you ever drop a volcano rock on your foot You'll Krakatoa

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• The similarity of all the people that live is that they are alive and they are living.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Laziness Level: I get jealous when it's bedtime in other countries

  Tags: one-liners

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• Customer: Waiter, I’m in a hurry! Will the pancakes be long? Waiter: No sir, round.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My local hockey rink just reported their Zamboni driver has gone missing... They hope he resurfaces soon.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• When I am tasked with sorting through a stack of résumés, I throw about half of them in the garbage. I do not want unlucky people working in our company

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

  Tags: one-liners

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• We conducted an online survey. and found that out of the world's population, 0% of people are Amish.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it's shell... It only made it more sluggish.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Someone told me they didn't like calculus. I told them their opinion would change over time.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Copper is the only element that have eyes. Becuase it can Cu.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it's raining in Sweden. How the hell am I supposed to know if it's raining in Sweden?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Shout out to those who don’t know the opposite of in. They need the help.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I make money the old-fashioned way. My salary is the same as it was ten years ago.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. I'm so sorry..

  Tags: one-liners

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• Today, my friend warned a pedestrian about a pothole. I guess that makes him a trip advisor.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Dreams are like underpants. You've got 'em, but you can't prove you do by showing it to everyone.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Joke my kid made up when he was like 4.... What do you call an angry shopper using bad words? A cussomer.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Back when I played hockey, they used to call me "the Titanic." I looked pretty good until I hit the ice.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Why did the Pepsi executive get fired? He tested positive for Coke.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You are dust and you shall return to dust... Which is why I don't dust - it could be someone I know.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I went to an Art Gallery, it was $60 to enter and $80 to look at each picture. It was called Electronic Arts.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the best card in Valve's Artifact? The Credit Card.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was going to buy an invisible sword... But I don't see the point.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

  Tags: one-liners

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• How long have I been working for this company? Ever since they threatened to fire me.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Why do psychics ask so many questions when they supposedly already know the answers?

  Tags: one-liners

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• How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I read the dictionary the other day. At the start you think it’s the aardvark, but by the end it turns out the zebra did it.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Borrow money from a pessimist---They don't expect it back.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have the heart of a lion, the eyes of an eagle. and a lifetime ban from the zoo

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? Look for the fresh prints.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, "What if these two socks don't even like each other?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon? An Apocaclipse.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The book on chronology I ordered has finally arrived. It's about time...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Edgar Allen Poe is about to walk into a tree and you only have enough time to say one word before he hits it. What should you say to him? Poetry!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Happy Halloween... Why did the Ghost enter the bar... For the BOOOOS

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is a ram's favorite song on February 14th? I only have eyes for ewe, dear

  Tags: one-liners

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• What happened when the two angels got married? They lived harpily ever after!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Newton: I've discovered calculus(1664). Leibneiz: I've discovered calculus(1670s) Newton: Really? Seems derivative.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• I've never been very good at geography. But I can name at least one city in France, which is Nice.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Apparenly, we all come from dust and return to dust. That's why I never dust, it could be somebody I know.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What kind of computer is the best singer? A dell

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• Why are Taylor Swift's songs always a hit? (WARNING POKEMON JOKE) Because swift never misses.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two FBI agents search an office and find a hard drive with "KGB" on it... One of the agents asks the other, "Why didn't they just write '1 TB' instead?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Seminar "How to avoid frauds" is canceled. Tickets are non-refundable.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My five year plan? I don't even have a five minute plan.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the capital of Greece? About 5 euros.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why can't you use sarcasm with a kleptomaniac? Because they take things literally.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend Oscar met Leonardo DiCaprio and told him a joke. He didn't get it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just gave my cat some 7UP. Now he's got 16 lives.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn't answered a phone call since 2008.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• I asked my magic 8-ball which email client to use. It told me... Outlook not so good.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If it weren't for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for everybody.

  Tags: puns

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• People who write "u" instead of "you". What do you do with all the time you save?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Officer, if you are what you eat... Then I'm an innocent man.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You know your church is a redneck church if baptism is referred to as Branding.

  Tags: misc

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• Sure, I may not be in a relationship, but I am three people's plan B and someone's maybe if we're ever the last two people on Earth.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Here's a lighted dynamite stick, please hold it until I get back.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.

  Tags: one-liners

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• England has no kidney bank but... It does have a Liverpool

  Tags: one-liners

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• I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've seen a meteor shower, but never seen a meteor take a bath.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If a short psychic broke out of jail, then you'd have a small medium at large.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

  Tags: misc

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• Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I’m addicted to seaweed. I must seek kelp.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won't remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr.Dre

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why was Yoda afraid of 7? Because 6, 7 8.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's time consuming.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Fun fact. Before the invention of the crow bar most crows got drunk at home

  Tags: one-liners

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• Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy!

  Tags: one-liners

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• When is a field hockey player like a judge? When she sits on the bench.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, sports

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• My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my tv.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was once taught that nothing rhymes with silver... But to this day, I still don’t think they sound the same.

  Tags: one-liners

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