The early bird gets the worm but the late worm gets to live.
Tags: one-liners, animal
Permalinkterasurfer
paddling out…
View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.
The early bird gets the worm but the late worm gets to live.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkDid you hear the joke about the Liberty Bell? Yeah, it cracked me up!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI failed my calculus exam because I was sitting between two identical twins. It was impossible to differentiate between them.
Tags: one-liners, math
PermalinkThere's a pigeon walking up the driveway. I don't care what he wants. I'm not answering the door.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkBreak ups are the worst in China. You see her face everywhere
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf you think about it, a muffin is just a bald cupcake!
Tags: misc
PermalinkThe easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWant to see all the decimal digits of Pi? They are {0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9}, and there are no others!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIt's not a relationship until you argue about whose turn it is to apologize.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe swordfish has no natural predators to fear from .except the penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe. After 10 minutes he asked me why I hadn't pulled over. I said we are still in Manchester.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI hate lying people, they're always in my way to the ocean.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy did Leonardo DiCaprio laugh at the Oscar joke? Because he finally got it
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhere are average things manufactured? At the satisfactory.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkJust about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did the explorer say when he spotted Antarctica? I see land.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI received a flyer on anger management the other day. I lost it.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy do archaeologists get all the girls? Because they have the best dating techniques.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do '90s kids count to 6? Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, cinco, seis.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkToday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl. Then she noticed me so we went for a run.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI am now on three dating sites because you can never get enough rejection.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkPokemon GO is a blatant ripoff of another popular app... called Tinder, where you also swipe to find monsters in your area.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAn interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.
Tags: sports
PermalinkI received an email from Google. It said, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards " I thought, "That's just spam."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy are spiders great tennis players? Cause they have great topspin.
Tags: one-liners, animal, sports
PermalinkDid you hear about the failed mission to Antarctica? Their journey went south.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkBrains are wonderful, I wish everyone had one.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine's Day? "I'm stuck on you!"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe Nintendo 64 turned 18 today. Now you can legally blow the cartridges.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock. That's pretty humerus.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWould a fly that loses its wings be called a walk?
Tags: misc
PermalinkFor people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI used to have a job crushing cans in a soft drink factory all day. It was soda pressing.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThey said i couldnt bring outside snacks into the theater... But I've got a few twix up my sleeve!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDid you know that the vast majority of convicted criminals are married men? It's the only way they get to finish a sentence.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ. What's the best kind of triangle to ask out on a date? A. Acute Triangle
Tags: one-liners, math
PermalinkOne day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI think I want a job cleaning mirrors. It's just something I could really see myself doing.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkYou can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkIf you say "I knew you were going to say that" enough. You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat is the best evidence that Microsoft has a monopoly? Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching. To reverse and leaving the scene
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkBoss: "You're fired." Me slam fist on the couch: "You woke me up for this?"
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkDoes music make you think? It made Stevie wonder...
Tags: one-liners, music
PermalinkWhy doesn't Magneto wear his old costume anymore? Because days of fuchsia passed
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy do tigers always beat cheetahs at hide-and-seek? They've never been spotted.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkLike most people my age, I'm 23. .
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy father said I would be able to consider myself successful when my bank account balance resembled a phone number. Hey. 911 is a phone number.
Tags: one-liners, money
PermalinkWhy can a 747 never crash? When it hits the ground it goes 'boeing'
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy was Yoda afraid of 7? Because 6, 7 8.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI went to a zoo one time and all they had was a dog. It was a shih tzu.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's the worst name for a chain of restaurants? Dominoes
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy magnesium levels in blood have dropped down to dangerous levels!!!! 0mg!!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkOops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI was watching a really good documentary about Quantum physics the other day. But I decided to stop watching in case I affected the outcome
Tags: one-liners, science
PermalinkSo my twin brother called me from prison. He said, "So you know how we finish each others' sentences?"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI saw an ad in a shop window, "TV for $5- Volume stuck on full" Couldn't turn it down.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI have nothing to declare except my genius.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkYou haven't experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn't ticklish.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkInterviewer - Okay, describe yourself in 3 words. Lazy
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI've got my doctorate in palindromes. I'm now addressed as Dr.Awkward
Tags: one-liners
Permalink"Raccoons"? Oh, you mean garbage pandas?
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkQuitting smoking is the easiest thing I've ever done. I've quit hundreds of times.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's a Boeing employee's favorite time of day? 7:47
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkYeah, I lost to my computer at chess. But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy are there so many people in Boston? They’re Mass-produced
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's the worst thing to say to a hipster? You remind me of someone
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhere does a fish deposit his checks? At the river bank
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI used to steal comedians' jokes and not credit them. I still do, but I used to, too.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink"Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart ". Does that mean Iron Man is the most beautiful person on earth?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI know a mathematician who can't afford lunch. He can binomial.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy don't escaped convicts make good writers? Because they never finish their sentences
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says, "five beers, please."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat does "reading comprehension" even mean?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ: What's a space pirate's favorite planet? A: mArrrs!
Tags: one-liners, science
PermalinkMen who walk in front of car get tired. Men who walk in back of car get exhausted.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSure, I may not be in a relationship, but I am three people's plan B and someone's maybe if we're ever the last two people on Earth.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI told my friends I'm going on a date with a cute girl. They told me she's imaginary, but joke's on them, so are they.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkApparently, saying "Wow, you've grown since I last saw you" isn't deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy kid says he came up with this one: A guy goes to interview for IKEA... The manager says “Welcome! Come in and make a seat.”
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat happened when the escalator broke down? Everyone stopped and staired! 🥁
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSanta is nearby... I can sense his presents
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSome bloke just told me he was gonna smack me with the neck of his guitar.... I said, is that a fret?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy do you never see elephants hiding in trees? They are really good at it.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkOne time I went school shopping... AND BOUGHT THREE SCHOOLS!!!
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy do frogs like St. Patrick's Day? Because they're always wearing green.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkA friend asked me if I knew anything about 1’s and 0’s. I told him I knew a bit
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy did Michael's grades drop after the holidays? Because everything was marked down!
Tags: one-liners, money
PermalinkA scientist took a selfie while he was drinking liquid nitrogen. He was quoted as saying "It was the coolest shot I ever took"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkJob interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI love the way the Earth rotates... It makes my day.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI asked my father how many a couple is. He said, “Two or three.”. Which might explain why his marriage failed.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAs a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI want to go to IKEA, hide in a wardrobe, wait for someone to open it and yell "WELCOME TO NARNIA".
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks... Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI just finished writing my book on penguins. My publisher said it would've been better if I'd written it on paper.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkWhat do you call a detective who just solves cases accidentally? Sheer Luck Holmes
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat makes a good tongue-twister? Well, it's hard to say...
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkYou know you're addicted to wocka when your friends say something funny, and you cry out ''LOL, LOL'' instead of actually laughing out loud.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do you know when Santa's in the room? You can sense his presents.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI can't wait for Valentine's Day because I get to make cupcakes for a special someone and that special someone is me.
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkHow do you milk sheep? With iPhone accessories.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIt used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course there's shipping and handling, too.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSuccess is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkYour family tree must be a cactus ... Because everyone on it is a prick.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did the hungry missile say? When is launch at?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right back, way too expensive and really bad quality
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkBy working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkWhy were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages? Because there were too many knights.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I'm still employed. I just can't remember where.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkWhat did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkCop: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do? Miner: Mine.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhen you try to prove to someone that something doesn't work, it will.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkYou can't run through a camp ground. You can only ran, because it's past tents.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a race over lava? A heated competition
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat’s it called when a tractor waits for a pedestrian to cross? Crop yield
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's is the difference between ignorance and negligence? I don't know and I don't care.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy dad left his job. He wanted to pursue archeology. His career is now in ruins.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkNever invest in Egyptian archaeology. It's a pyramid scheme
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one great education!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy don't Malaysian TV shows get commissioned? Because they all have terrible pilots.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHey girl, are you a newspaper? Because there’s a new issue with you every single day
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDiplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a big rock.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy best mates and I played a game of hiding and seek. It went on for hours... Well, good friends are hard to find.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat does a turtle call his aunt? Tort-tia
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHomework... something you go to school hours for and not do.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTwo days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house. ..and it was delicious
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week. My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkBirthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake.
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkTwo Teemos sit in a brush. One says to the other "There's not mushroom in here"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy is it best to teach physics on the edge of a cliff? It's where the students have the most potential.
Tags: one-liners, science
PermalinkHow do Disney princesses screw in a lightbulb? They hold the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI put a blank tape in my TV and turned the volume all the way up. The mime next door went crazy and called the cops.
Tags: misc
PermalinkIt's now 7 months since I joined the gym and nothing has changed. Maybe it's time I go there personally and find out what's wrong.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy did the Stormtrooper buy an iPhone? Because he couldn't find the Droid he was looking for.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do you say " 'sup dawg" in Japanese? Konichihuahua
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMan Runs In Front Of Car, He Gets Tired. Man Runs Behind Car, He Gets Exhausted.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy do programmers prefer dark mode? Cause light attracts bugs.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA golf ball is a golf ball, no matter how you putt it.
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhat's that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream? Everyone I ask can't remember either.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did copper say to lawrencium? Cu later.
Tags: one-liners, science
PermalinkThis is not what adulthood looked like in the brochure.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy dad never really loved me as a child. I can't really blame him though ; I wasn't born until he was an adult.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ: Did you hear about the man with a broken left arm and broken left leg? A: Don't worry he's "ALRIGHT" now!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI was hooked on auctions after only going once... going twice.
Tags: one-liners, money
PermalinkMany people are shocked when they find out.. That I’m a horrible electrician.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink“How much to buy a singing ensemble!?” I asked the clerk. Puzzled, he questioned, "You mean a choir?" “Fine! How much to acquire a singing ensemble!?”
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkVillain : Why is my calendar wrapped in aluminium? Superhero : I’ve foiled your plan.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI have 3 eyes, 6 heads and 15 limbs, what am I? A liar.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkBack in my day, we didn't watch TV while we ate dinner. We actually talked to each other. It was awful.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkLike I said before, I never repeat myself.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkComputers will never be completely "Idiot Proof" because Idiots continue to be so resourceful.
Tags: computers
PermalinkI just watched A Christmas Carol with Patrick Stewart. What he’s doing round my house I don’t know.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkApparently I snore so loudly that. I scare everyone in the car I'm driving.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy does Kylo Ren have no friends? Because his whole life he's Ben Solo
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThis power washer says you're supposed to wear safety goggles when you use it. I can't see why.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do witches put on their hair? Scare spray!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkLaugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkEscalators don't break down... they just turn into stairs.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkJust paid $350 on a limo, but found out it didn't include a driver. All that money with nothing to chauffeur it
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkJust now, from my dad: Have you heard the new Christmas carol from India? We Vishnu a Merry Krishnas.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow does a snowman get around? He rides an icicle!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI’ve been bored recently so I have decided to take up fencing. The neighbors said they will call the police unless I put it back.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI have only seen people underwhelmed or overwhelmed, never whelmed properly...
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkWhere do animals go when their tails fall off? The retail store.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI had a dream last night that I had a Magnesium deficiency.. I was like 0Mg
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI would tell you my autumn joke but you probably wouldn't fall for it
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkOnce you’ve seen one shopping center...... You’ve seen the mall.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkEveryone has a friend who laughs funnier than he jokes.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat dog can jump higher than a building? Anydog, buildings can't jump!
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkWhat do you call a werewolf that doesn't know he's a werewolf? An unawarewolf.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDid you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy do people say "This is the first day of the rest of your life"? Isn't that true about everyday unless you die that day?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDid you ever hear about the Lucky Charms leprechaun's evil twin? He was tragically malicious.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDon't get me wrong, I'm grateful to have a job. I just wish it wasn't THIS job.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkFood is like dark humor. not every one gets it.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy don't we use swords anymore? Aren't they still cutting edge technology?
Tags: one-liners
Permalinkwhat did the optometrist say to the tiny Australian insect? "good eye, mite"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI once stayed up all night trying figure out where the sun went. Then it dawned on me
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy are the developers of NoMansSky called Hellogames? Because you never get a goodbuy from them
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI was walking past a building site when the guy hammering the roof called me a "paranoid little weirdo" In morse code
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkIs sodium just as dangerous as francium in water? Na not really
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI'm such a bad golfer, they should send me to Mars. I'm guaranteed to find water.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTwo sausages were in a pan.One sausage turns to the other and says, "Man, Its getting hot in here."The other sausage screams and says, "AH! A talking sausage!!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkFor those of you wondering what it’s like to be married. I just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkZebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkI would give my right arm to be ambidextrous!
Tags: one-liners
Permalink"Doctor, Every time I drink coffee I get pain in my eye." "Take the spoon out of your cup."
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkDear alma mater, please don't send wealth management workshop invites to those of us who majored in creative writing.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkI was named after my dad. Because I couldn’t have possibly been named before him
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHe always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call an excited fireplace? Stoked.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf your father is a poor man, it's your fate. But, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI saw on Wikipedia that dolphins can bake bread! [cetacean kneaded]
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkWhy is a baseball game a good place to go on a hot day? Because there are lots of fans.
Tags: one-liners, sports
PermalinkAirport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control. But cases continue to rise.
Tags: one-liners, math
PermalinkDo you know why I don't eat at Chili's or Applebee's? Because i'm old enough to microwave my own food...
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkGirl if I had to rate you, I'd give you a 10. Oh the pH scale, because girl you are basic.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat is the king of all tools? The Ruler.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call kids in Antarctica? Chilldren.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister in Sweden. He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Nobody knows, the never get to keep the house.
Tags: one-liners
Permalinka termite walks into a bar. And asks the waitress, is the bar tender here?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf they don't call the next Fast & Furious film "Fast10 Your Seatbelts" I'm going to be furious.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink"Master Yoda, are we on the right track?" "Off course, we are.."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, “No, I’m traveling light.”
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkGive a man an egg and he’ll eat for a day. Breed a man that can lay an egg and suddenly you’re “taking science too far.”
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkGeorge Foreman named all his kids George Foreman. He even used the name when he had a little grill.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkFathering two daughters seemed like a good idea, but then glitter.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI'm here for whatever you need me to do from the couch.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkIn Arkansas, it is illegal to say the word Arkansas incorrectly.
Tags: misc
PermalinkThe only person in our town who can afford to go on a jaguar is a zoo-keeper.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAlways be smarter than the inanimate object that you're working with.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI dressed up as a screwdriver this past Halloween. It wasn't the best costume but I still turned a lot of heads.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI ended up in jail the other night and the guys across from me had glued themselves together... It was very confusing.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI don't understand why Steve Ballmer spent so much money on the Clippers. He doesn't even have hair.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA music note walks into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, you're A Minor, we can't serve you."
Tags: one-liners, music
PermalinkNot hiring someone because they have tattoos completely ignores the fact that they clearly have no issues with pain or commitment.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
Permalinkantique-an item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again.
Tags: misc
PermalinkIf I ever use "Whatever" as a complete sentence, you better run.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA pun loving old man forgot to order his tombstone before he passed away. This was a grave mistake
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a stupid grain? A half wheat!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA man phoned to find out whether he could get insurance if the nearby volcano erupted... They assured him he would be covered.
Tags: one-liners, science
PermalinkWhat do you call the doctor who graduates at the bottom of the class? Doctor
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTeacher: "I asked you to draw a cow and grass, but I only see a cow. Where is grass?" Student: "The cow ate the grass, sir."
Tags: one-liners, animal, food
PermalinkI almost got busted for shoplifting candy today... But I got out of it. I've got a couple of twix up my sleeve.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI went to go see a psychic the other day.. I asked her if I'd ever be going to jail some time in the future. She said no, so I robbed her.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDo you want to speak to the manager or someone who know's what's going on?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThere's a little-known, but foolproof defense against sharks. Sharks will only attack you if you're wet.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy didn't 4 ask out 5? Because he was 22.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf I bring you breakfast in bed, just say, "Thanks." Not "Who are you?" and "How did you get in my apartment?"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy shouldn't you enter into a contract with Wolverine? Because of his retractable clause.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink'Do Not Touch' Must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAs a child I was obsessed with the difference between cosine and sine. As I got older I realized it was just a phase
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf ham is Canadian bacon, then what the heck do you Canadians call bacon?
Tags: one-liners
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