What is represented by this? Way One Way!
Tags: animal
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View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.
What is represented by this? Way One Way!
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat does the "O" and the "N" stand for in 'CLEMSON'? The "O" is for honor, and the "N" for knowledge.
Tags: sports
PermalinkThe "I Love You" virus that infects users of Microsoft's outlook has morphed. Watch for these variations:
Tags: computers
PermalinkA man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"."Sure do," replied the bartender."Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
Tags: misc
PermalinkProverb : Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Refined by me : Behind every successful man, there is a very much surprised woman.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy is it that every time we blow our noses, we look inside the tissue afterwards? Are we expecting something other than boogers? Or are we checking to make sure they have not run off?
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: How do you know there are two elephants in your refrigerator? A: You can hear giggling when the light goes out.
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhy did the poor dog chase his tail? He was trying to make ends meet!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkFew women admit their age, Few men act theirs.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkOne day Socrates is walking down the road and sees his old friend Uripedes carrying a pair of pants. Socrates says "Hi, Uripedes" Uripidees says "I sure did, Usodes?"
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy do you go to a black person's yard sale? To get your stuff back!
Tags: animal
PermalinkOnce,there was a teacher and a girl named Wendy.The teacher asked for Wendy to say a sentence starting with the word I. So wendy started to say I is....Then the teacher said, "No Wendy, it is I am." So Wendy said, "I am the ninth letter if the alphabet."
Tags: children
PermalinkTwo cows were in a field grazing. First cow says, "MOO." Second cow says, "You asshole, I was gonna say that."
Tags: animal
PermalinkA duck hunter, proud of his markmanship, took his son out one morning to witness his skill. After some time a lone duck flew by. "Watch this," whispered the dad, as he took aim and carefully fired. The duck flew serenely on. "My boy," said the hunter, "you are witnessing a great miracle. There flies a dead duck. "
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?They're hiring.
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They like to keep their clients in the dark!
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkA burglar entered the house of a Quaker and proceeded to rob it. The Quaker heard the noise, took his shotgun downstairs, and pointed the gun at the burglar. He then said gently, "Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am about to shoot. "
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat did the Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer? Cool Ranch!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkQ: Where are the brave French soldiers buried? A: There aren't any so they had to bury some of ours on their soil.
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow do locomotives know where they're going? Lots of training
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkDid you hear about the bread factory burning down? They say the business is toast.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkPoliceman to woman he's just stopped for speeding - "As soon as I saw you coming round the corner, I said to myself, 'Must be 55 at least'." "It's this dress, officer - it always make me look older!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkIf you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
Tags: misc
PermalinkI don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA six-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair. "Don't be angry at your sister," the mother says. "She doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts." A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate. This time the sister is bawling, and her brother says, "Now she knows."
Tags: children
PermalinkNever get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWould you hit a woman with a baby? No, I'd hit her with a brick.
Tags: children
PermalinkLittle Johnny's mum was sitting in front of computer while Johnny was making sandwiches. She said to Johhny, "You're the best sandwich maker ever," and Johnny says "No mum, you're just lazy." hahahahahahahahahahaha
Tags: children
PermalinkWhat do you get when every car in the nation is pink? Answer: a pink carnation (the flower)
Tags: misc
Permalink"The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it."
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow can you tell an elephant from an ant? An ant is easier to pick up!
Tags: animal
PermalinkA boss of a computer company walked up to one of his workers. "You're fired!" exclaimed the boss. "I didn't do anything!" replied the confused worker. The boss, happy with his answer, says, "I know. That's why you're fired!"
Tags: at-work
PermalinkOne day, 15 year old Christy came home from shopping with her Auntie Kim and Auntie Flo. Christy says to her 6 year old sister, "Auntie Kim has bad taste, but Auntie Flo has good taste." Her sister then says, "How do you know? Have you bitten them before?"
Tags: children
PermalinkBad at golf? Join the club.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkOne day two blondes decided to take a trip to Disney Land. They were riding down the road and all of a sudden they came to a fork in the road and a sign said disneyland left. So they looked at eachother and said dangget and went back home.
Tags: blonde-jokes
PermalinkHow many cops does it take to throw a man down the stairs? None. He fell.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhere does Batman's goldfish live ? In the BAT-TUB!! ahahaha...
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDid you know diarhea is part of your inheritence? Ya, it flows in our genes.
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhat do you call an elephant chasing a cat? Depends on what his name is.....
Tags: animal
PermalinkKnock-knock Who's there? Stew Stew who? Stew cold out here, let me in!
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkA biologist, a psychologist, and a mathematician were sitting in a bar drinking coffee.Across the street, they watch as 2 people walk into the house, and then 3 people come out."They must have reproduced!" cries the biologist."It can't be physically done!" cries the psychologist."You guys are both wrong" says the mathematician. "Now there are negative one person in the house.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat is a pirate's favorite food? Taco Bell's cARRne asada.
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow many gay people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 8, one to screw it in, and seven to stand back and say "Fabulous!"
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkQ: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkSteve is playing with his 3 friends at his tree in the back garden, and his mum comes out and shouts, "If all four of you fall out of that tree and break both legs, then don't come running to me!"
Tags: children
PermalinkSuccess is relative. The more success, the more relatives!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy do melons get married in church? - Because they cantaloupe.
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhy is Mississippi River unusual? Because it has four eyes and can't see!
Tags: puns
PermalinkQ: Why do people have small dogs? A: So they can carry them in their bags, and when the person farts, they can blame it on the dog.
Tags: animal
PermalinkQ: Why did the little girls put minnows in their pants? A: So they could smell like big girls.
Tags: animal
PermalinkHow does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkThere was a really clever blonde, Tinkerbell, Santa Claus and a really clever brunette all in a competition to win a million Pounds. The question is "Which one won it?"The really clever brunette cos none of the others exist.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkIf an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat does the mermaid wear to math class? Algae-bra.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhat is the definition of wicker box? It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ: What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal balls? A: Sparky!
Tags: animal
PermalinkMan 1: "Why have you painted your car red on one side and blue on the other?" Man 2: "So that if I bang into anyone, the witnesses will have a marvellous time in court contradicting each other!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat did Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented? Lil Caesars
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkQ. What did the father buffalo say to the son buffalo when he left for school? A. Bison!
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhy did the squirrel cross the road? Because it was NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat's the difference between a "fox" and a "dog?" About 6 drinks.
Tags: bar
PermalinkIf it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of bread.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA man applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor. As soon as the man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the envelope. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor Personnel Office."
Tags: at-work
PermalinkWhat did the ocean say to the beach? Thanks for all the sediment.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkThe can was invented quite a while before the can opener.
Tags: misc
PermalinkThere are two hard problems in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Tags: tech, classic
PermalinkThe best things in life are free and the worst things in life cost only $19.95.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI didn't lose my mind, I just let it wander and it never came back. I miss it so much.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkEver wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Tags: misc
PermalinkGirl 1: "This morning my dad gave me soap-flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast!" Girl 2: "I bet you were angry with him!" Girl 1: "Angry?! I was foaming at the mouth!"
Tags: puns
PermalinkA bear and a rabbit were taking a dump in the woods. The bear looked over to the rabbit and asked: "Mr. Rabbit, do you ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?"The rabbit replied: "Why no, Mr. Bear, I most certainly do not."So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: How many colorguard girls does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Five, one to call the colorguard forward and four to take it down with a ceremony.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkHow do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhat’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkA stockbroker is beginning his jail sentence for fraud, and meets his cell-mate for next seven years. He stares in shock at the weirdo next to him, when the psycopath says, "Don't worry, I'm in here for a white-collar crime as well." The stockbroker is very relieved, and asks what crime the man had committed. The wild-haired, unkempt freak replies, "I killed a priest!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat did one virus say to the other virus? Keep away from me, I think I've got penicillin!
Tags: medical
PermalinkWhat's the difference between a guitar and a fish? You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna"fish!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkA guy walks into a doctor's office. He has a sausage coming out of his ear, a waffle coming out of his nose, and bacon coming out of his other ear. He says worriedly, "Doc, what's wrong with me?" The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
Tags: medical
PermalinkWhy can't a bicycle stand on its own? It's two-tired.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkA chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkGolf is a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit it onto all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out, and for no reason at all, you really stink.
Tags: sports
PermalinkWhy did the Quiz Show give away $10,000 plus one banana? They wanted the prize to have appeal.
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhy did the dinosaur cross the road? Because chickens weren't invented yet.
Tags: animal
PermalinkYou see, mountains aren't just funny. They are hill areas.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkFormer Vice President Dan Quayle says that if you take out the profanity, the TV show "The Osbounes" is about good family values. You take out the profanity, and "The Osbournes" is about 30 seconds long.
Tags: misc
PermalinkPrivate Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offense. "You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty days' pay," said the officer. "All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ> What kind of soup do gay Chinese men like? A> Cream of sum yun guy
Tags: misc
PermalinkThe person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing yesterday.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDear Washington State residents: The recent earthquakes were just a warning. Now that we have your attention, sell us your power, give us back our sunshine, take back your rain and we'll take back our earthquakes. [signed] The People of California
Tags: misc
PermalinkI just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkWhat's the difference between the teacher and the one who minds trains? The teacher trains minds, the other minds trains.
Tags: college
PermalinkJohnny comes home from school, and shouts, "Mother!" Mother calls from upstairs, "If you wish to speak to me, come upstairs so you don't have to shout." When Johnny gets upstairs, she says, "Now, what did you want to say to me?" "Just that I trod in some dog do, but it seems to have gone now!"
Tags: children
PermalinkQ. If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on? A. The Captain's dinghy!
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: What is the first thing you are taught when joining the French army? A: To say "I surrender" in German
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow many cheerleaders does it take to screw in a light bulb? They wouldn't, they might brake a nail!
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkHere is a book never written. Extinction is Distinction by Dinah Soar
Tags: misc
PermalinkA salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role. "Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."
Tags: at-work
PermalinkTeacher: Recite your tables to me, Joan. Joan: Dining table, kitchen table, bedside table...
Tags: children
PermalinkA guy came home to his wife and said to her:"Guess what?I've found a great job. A 10am start, 2pm finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week in the hand to boot!""That's great," his wife said."Yeah, it's unreal," he agreed."You start Monday."
Tags: misc
PermalinkFor immediate issue: Password Security Guidelines V2.2b Due to new security policies, the following guidelines have been issued to assist in choosing new passwords. Please follow them closely. Passwords must conform to at least 21 of the following attributes.
Tags: computers
PermalinkWhy is a football pitch so cold? Because of all the fans
Tags: sports
PermalinkThe folks at American Greetings have compiled a list of lines to use when signing you valentine.... depending on your personality.
Tags: holidays
PermalinkCan You Decipher This Phrase? R U N Run down!
Tags: animal
PermalinkOn June 10th, 2006, San Fransisco, California held the largest gay, nude bike ride in the United States. I'm never buying a used bike ever again.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat did the late tomato say to the early tomato? I’ll ketch up
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkA man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDid you ever notice that a lot of people will do just about anything to get attention? Like putting jokes up on a website! P.S I love Wocka.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI saw a girl the other day. I didn't like her because she was a butter face. You know 'butter face' - she has a hot body, but her face . . .
Tags: puns
PermalinkFellow orders a triple whisky at the bar and stikes up a conversation with the landlord.Fellow: I shouldn't drink this with what I've Got!Landlord: Why what have you got?Fellow: Fifty Pence!
Tags: misc
PermalinkQuestion: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Answer: Elephino (Hell-if-I-know)
Tags: animal
PermalinkTeacher: Jimmy! Count from one all the way to ten! Jimmy: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10. Teacher: Good, now what comes after that? Jimmy:Jack, queen and king!
Tags: children
PermalinkWhat does the turtle do in the Olympics? The hurdle run!
Tags: animal
Permalinktoo much to pay for corn ([a] buck an ear)
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy is seven bigger than nine? Because seven ate nine.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkI wish my name was Gary Boone! Do you wanna know why? Because, then, my name could be goon... you see, because you take the "G" from Gary and the "oone" from Boone to get Goon! But, you know, that's not the worst nickname. The person that does have the worst nickname is my friend, Phil Hart. I can't even tell you what we call him...
Tags: children
PermalinkWhat cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkDid you hear about France's new weapons contracts? They gave one to Ace Hardware to produce 250,000 wood sticks . . . They are still looking for a company to produce 250,000 little white flags.
Tags: misc
PermalinkA student said to Professor Stigler: "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."
Tags: misc
PermalinkThe word 'function' should never function as a verb.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink2 = special administrative regions in China. (Hong Kong and Macau)
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile...
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkSeems Paris Hilton is having visits from a speech therapist - she's having trouble finishing a sentence!
Tags: puns
PermalinkOn the first day of her vacation, a woman fell and broke her leg. As the doctor examined her, she moaned, "Why couldn't this have happened on my last day of skiing?" He looked up. "This IS your last day of skiing."
Tags: medical
PermalinkHow many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 8 men, One to get off the couch, One to find a lightbulb, One to find a ladder, One to screw it in, One to shock himself and shock everyone around, One to call a docter, One to find out that it wasn't out, the switch was off, and finally, one to sit back in laugh!
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkPlease answer yes or no to this question. Is your answer "no"? Hint: This is under trick, remember. Answer: Yes or no.
Tags: animal
PermalinkHumor can be dissected, as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ: How many public utility workers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10. One to hold the bulb, 6 to rotate the ladder, and 3 to supervise.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkThe best way to accelerate Windows is through one.
Tags: tech
PermalinkI play in the low 80's. If it is hotter than that, I won't play.
Tags: sports
PermalinkWhat's the difference between a teacher and a train? A train goes "chew, chew, chew," and a teacher says, "Spit that gum out!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkA blonde went out for a walk. She came to a river and saw another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo," she shouted, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looked up the river then down the river then shouted back, "You’re already on the other side.”
Tags: misc
PermalinkEver wonder why bottled water costs so much when there is so much of it? Spell "evian" backwards.....
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA dozen, a gross, and a score Plus three times the square root of four Divided by seven Plus five times eleven Is nine squared and not a bit more.
Tags: college
PermalinkHow do you catch an elephant? Dig a hole, put peanuts around it, fill it with ashes and when the elephant goes to eat the peanuts, kick him in the ash hole.
Tags: animal
PermalinkMary had a little lamb! The doctor fainted!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkOutside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Tags: animal
PermalinkA man was solving a crossword. For a four-letter word there was a clue: Look at the picture ! The man entered: I see .
Tags: misc
PermalinkJoe: Do you know the difference between a chicken and lettuce? Jill: No. Joe: Remind me not to send you to the supermarket!
Tags: misc
Permalink"Live in a way such that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." -- Will Rogers, Humorist
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkYou know how we earn little icons next to our names for the points we get for being active on Wocka? They should do that on Facebook. Only backwards. The longer you are totally inactive, the higher level symbols you get.
Tags: misc
PermalinkOnce I like bought a fox and I like named him Jorge and like he died and I cried so I bought shoes.
Tags: animal
PermalinkHow many cartoon characters does it take to screw in a light bulb? nine - three to find a light bulb, three to figure out how to remove the old one, three to screw it in, and all of them to complicate it!
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkA women's lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, "Where would man be today if it were not for woman?" She paused a moment and looked around the room. "I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?" From the back of the room came a voice, "He'd be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries."
Tags: misc
PermalinkA little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
Tags: children
PermalinkQ: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? A: Because it had no body to go with.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb? A: 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkQ: Did you hear about the new French tanks? A: They have 5 gears...4 in reverse, and one forward gear just in case they're attacked from behind!
Tags: misc
PermalinkAfter a nice dinner the two couples got up from the table. The ladies went into the kitchen and the men went into the family room. One of the gents said to the other, "I think it is so wonderful how you call your wife, "honey pie" and "sweet pea", and "sugar" all the time. The other gent said, "Well to tell you the truth, four years ago, I forget her name."
Tags: men
PermalinkAs far as we Americans know, Osama Bin Laden could, quite possibly, be right here in New York, posing as a cab driver, and we'd never know.
Tags: misc
PermalinkI told my bike it was two-tired. It couldn't stand up for itself.
Tags: puns, one-liner
PermalinkWhat is a witch's favorite subject in school? Spelling!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhat did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhy did the developer break up with their keyboard? It just wasn't their type anymore.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkQ. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull ? A. Lipstick.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThree men were at a business convention where they were discussing cars. One man said, "I am an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn." Another man says, "I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort." The last man speaks up saying, "Well, I beat both of you - I am a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe!"
Tags: at-work
PermalinkQ: How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. There's a primitive for that.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWant to hear a joke about construction? Nah, I'm still working on it.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkMr. Lwin was staring at the cage in the zoo, watching the great cat pace back and forth. "I wonder what the tiger would say if it could talk," he said to the zookeeper. The zookeeper replied, "It would probably say, 'Hey dummy, I'm a cheetah!"
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat do you call a singing Laptop? A Dell
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhy do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkCAT 1- So how'd that milk drinking contest go? CAT 2- Oh, I won by six laps.
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhat did Spock find in the toilet? The captain's log.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkFill in the blank: The one who says it cannot be done should never _________ the one who is doing it. Interrupt.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? A: About one third less than for a regular bulb.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhat do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkThere were three guys at an award ceremony for their school: a not-so-smart one, an average one, and a smart one. The not-so-smart one proudly boasts, "I'm going to receive an award today!" The average one was a bit skeptical about this and asks, "What kind of award will that be?" Before the not-so-smart on was able to reply, the smart one said, "The Most Improved Award."
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhy did the chicken cross the road? I don't know To get the Chinese newspaper Get it? No Neither do I. I get USA Today
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ. Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's day? A. Regular Rocks are too heavy!
Tags: misc
PermalinkThere are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTeacher: Why are you late?Webster: Because of the sign.Teacher: What sign?Webster: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
Tags: misc
Permalinkwife says my husband gave me a mood ring. when i am good it turns green when i am bad he has a red mark on his forehead.
Tags: women
PermalinkOne time I went school shopping... AND BOUGHT THREE SCHOOLS!!!
Tags: misc
PermalinkA farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. So the farmer says "Oh, shoot! It went in one ear and out the udder"...
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhen I was growing up I never bothered to learn French. So I tried very hard to avoid French in general, since I didn't know any of it. It was very hard to avoid... ...since my family spoke french...
Tags: misc
PermalinkAs a shepherd you herd your sheep into your barn. As you walk away you hear two wolves in the barn. What do you do? I would get the flock out of there!
Tags: at-work
PermalinkI started a new business making yachts in my attic this year... The sails are going through the roof.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkPolice officer: "Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle". Dog owner: "Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle".
Tags: animal
PermalinkSILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark? FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write? SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
Tags: college
PermalinkIn the 60's, people took acid to make the world appear weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's the new name for the place where Bill Clinton does his business? The Oral Office.
Tags: puns
PermalinkTeacher: Jimmy, use the word "handsome" in a sentence. Jimmy: Handsome gum over will ya? Teacher: No, no, that's not right. You have one more chance. Use the word "gladiator" in a sentence. Jimmy: A monster ate my sister and I'm gladiator.
Tags: misc
PermalinkOne night, a little boy and his father were having a conversation. The father asked the boy, "Can you say your ABC's, son?" "Yes I can! A...B..C..." and he goes through the whole alphebet. The father then said, "That's good, but can you say it backwords?" The boy smiles and says, "yeah", so he turns around and says, "A...B...C..."
Tags: children
PermalinkOf course you know they have changed the look of twenty dollar bills recently. What happens to the old ones? Bill Gates gets them!
Tags: misc
Permalink3 year old kid: "Guess what? Daddy got you a pway-station!" 7 year old kid: "Really??!! Where is it?" 3 year old: "It's in p-one mile!"
Tags: children
PermalinkOne day an Indian, a Muslim, and a Cowboy were just sittin' around when all of the sudden, the Indian said with a gloomy look, " Once my people were many, now we are few.", then the Muslim said with a huge smile on his face, "Once my people were few, now we are many.", the Cowboy replied , "Oh, that's just because we ain't played cowboys and muslims yet."
Tags: ethnic-jokes
PermalinkQ)Where do eskimo pigs live? A)In a pigloo.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ)A hippo is sitting on your chair....what time is it? A)Time to get a new chair
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA nurse dies and goes to heaven. She is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who asks her questions about her life. Over St. Peter's shoulder the nurse spots a man in a white coat sitting on a cloud with a stethoscope around his neck. "Oh brother!" she cries. "Is that a doctor?" St Peter glances over his shoulder and says, "No, that's God. He just thinks he's a doctor."
Tags: medical
PermalinkA couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, "I love you." The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?" The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine."
Tags: misc
PermalinkFollowing questions and answers were collated from recent British GCSE exams (16 year olds)!
Tags: school
PermalinkQ: What has eight legs, two trunks, four eyes, and two tails? A: Two elephants.
Tags: animal
PermalinkA guy goes up to his best friend and says, "Dude, I need you to do something for me, no questions asked." "Okay," says the friend. "What is it?" "I said no questions!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat does a dog do in your backyard that you don't want to step in? Dig a hole. If you step in the hole, you might twist your ankle!
Tags: animal
PermalinkSome useless inventions: 1) A waterproof teabag 2) A swimsuit store in the North Pole 3) Sugar free, fat free, taste free chocolate 4) A parachute that opens on impact 5) An ejector seat in a helicopter
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkGardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTwo fat men took part in a marathon. One ran in short bursts, and the other ran in burst shorts.
Tags: puns
PermalinkOnce, a blonde decided to ride a horse. She was riding quite pleasantly on a trail in a field until the horse speeded up. He was going faster and faster, and soon she felt herself slipping. Her head was just about to hit the ground... Then the Wal Mart manager ran to turn off the horsey ride.
Tags: blonde-jokes
PermalinkA programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn’t.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkQ: Which sea animal is very grumpy? A: The crab!
Tags: animal
PermalinkYou are a big animal that is big.
Tags: animal
PermalinkMarriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Tags: misc
PermalinkFire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
Tags: tech
PermalinkThere were 3 tomatoes. A momma tomato, a papa tomato, and a baby tomato. The baby tomato started to fall behind and the papa tomato called over to him and said, "Ketchup!"
Tags: puns
PermalinkA termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"
Tags: animal
PermalinkMy wife and I were traveling on the Kansas Turnpike, bucking a 30 to 45 m.p.h. crosswind. At the tollbooth, I asked the attendant, "What do you people do in Kansas when the wind quits?" The tollbooth attendant didn't miss a beat. She answered, "We take the rocks out of our pockets."
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat are the blonde's first words after 4 years of college? "Would you like fries with that?"
Tags: college
PermalinkWhat's the difference between a Ford and a golf ball? You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink"Excuse me, is this tuna dolphin-friendly?" "Dolphin-friendly? He was only best man at Flipper's wedding!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: How does Michael Jackson know it's time for bed? A: When the big hand touches the little hand...
Tags: misc
Permalink365.25 days on a low-calorie diet - 1 lite year
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy did the chicken cross the road? To get away from KFC
Tags: misc
PermalinkA Director said to the actress: "You have to jump from 100 feet into a swimming pool." Actress: "But I dont know how to swim." Director: "I know, that's why I removed all the water from the swimming pool."
Tags: at-work
PermalinkIt's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy are pirates called pirates? Because they arrr!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkA minister had just finished an excellent fried chicken dinner at the home of a congregation member when he saw a rooster come strutting through the yard. "That's certainly a proud-looking rooster," the minister commented. "Yes, sir," replied the farmer. "He has reason to be proud-- one of his sons just entered the ministry."
Tags: misc
PermalinkI was gonna tell you a joke about UDP... ...but you might not get it.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkWhat do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't? Depreciation.
Tags: at-work
PermalinkWhile my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!" "What is it? her sisters asked eagerly. Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"
Tags: computers
PermalinkTeacher: Can you pay a little attention to this lesson?! Pupil: I am trying my best to pay as little attention as I can!!
Tags: children
PermalinkOne day a duck walked into a drugstore and bought some lipstick. She walked up to the clerk and said, "Put it on my bill!"
Tags: puns
PermalinkThere are 10 types of people in this world... Those who understand binary and those who don't
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkWhen I was younger I hated going to weddings ...it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Tags: family-parents
PermalinkMy geometry tutor told me, "A six-sided polygon is called a hexagon, a five-sided one is called a pentagon." "What about two sided ones?" I asked. "They don't exist," was his response. "I beg to differ! I think we should just let bi-gons be bi-gons."
Tags: puns
PermalinkHow does Clinton divert his attention from the latest controversy? He just keeps on plugging away.
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhat kind of shoes do you wear to the beach? SANDals!
Tags: misc
Permalink"He's great on the court," a sportswriter spoke of a college basketball player in a interview with his coach. "But how's his academics?" "Why, he makes straight A's," replied the coach. "Wonderful!" said the sportswriter. "Yes," agreed the coach, "but his B's are a just little crooked."
Tags: sports
PermalinkQ: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkThe plumber presented his customer, a lawyer, with a bill charging rates of $500 an hour. The lawyer was outraged, saying "I don't even make that kind of money - doesn't that seem a bit steep?" The plumber replied, "That's what I thought, when I was a lawyer."
Tags: money
PermalinkHow does a scientist freshen their breath? With experi-mints!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkQ. Have you heard about the new 'Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex? A. They're called Predicaments
Tags: puns
PermalinkQ: How do you get two whales in a Mini? A: Along the M4 and across the Severn Bridge.
Tags: animal
PermalinkIf white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
Tags: misc
PermalinkA farmer is going down the road with his horse pulling his wagon and his dog lying next to 'em. The farmer says, "It sure is hot out here." The horse turns back and says, "It sure is." The farmer says, "I didn't know horses could talk." The dog said, "Neither did I."
Tags: animal
PermalinkQ: What do you get when you cross a snake and a kangaroo? A: A jump rope
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhy did our founding fathers expressed equality, but the constitution says people born in other countries can't be president?
Tags: one-liners
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