Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• Where do pirates get their hooks? The second hand store.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

  Tags: at-work

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• So apparently RSVP'ing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the chemical composition of banana? Barium disodium

  Tags: one-liners

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• Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. I've been doing nothing for years.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Actual bumper sticker on a jeep (the writing was upside down). "If you can read this, flip me over!"

  Tags: misc

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• Why are vegetarians never involved in Any drama? They can’t stand beef

  Tags: one-liners

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• This vegan chick came up to me and started talking like she knew me. But I never met herbivore.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the farmer say when his hay started blowing away? Hay, come back!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• When a man wants to believe something, it doesn't take much to convince him.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My tennis career has taught me that I can be the best basketball player ever. Nothing but net

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• I used to have a job crushing cans in a soft drink factory all day. It was soda pressing.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Whenever I get a stack of resumes on my desk at work, I always pick half at random and throw them out. Don’t need unlucky people working in my department.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• This morning my alarm went off, I thought it's sell-by date was tomorrow.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call it when a singer gets a chance? An opera-tunity!

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• What do ducks smoke? Qwack

  Tags: one-liners

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• Peter Mayhew will be reprising his role as Chewbacca in the next Star Wars movie! They said they wanted to cast the role to a veteran rather than a wookiee.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Interviewer - Okay, describe yourself in 3 words. Lazy

  Tags: one-liners

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• I love my life, but it just wants to be friends...

  Tags: one-liners

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• How Can You Tell If a Man's a Redneck?

  If he concentrates on the bottle because it says, "from concentrate!"

  Tags: misc

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• Liquor probably won't fix your problems... but it's worth a shot.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I might drive you crazy, but at least I'll take the scenic route.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Middle Age: when knees buckle and belts don't.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do they call the Hunger Games in France? Battle Royale with Cheese.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What color is red? True or false?

  Tags: misc

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• Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My dad’s answer to everything is alcohol... He doesn’t drink, it’s just that he’s really bad at crossword puzzles...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sometimes when I feel lonely I buy some stocks. Its nice to have a bit of company

  Tags: one-liners

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• The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• According to my kids' Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• What has 100 legs but can't walk? 50 pairs of pants.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did Adam and Eve ever have a date? No, but they had an Apple.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third. At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• When you have finished reading the dictionary? Every other book is just a remix.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I am now on three dating sites because you can never get enough rejection.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A truck full of wigs has just tipped over.Police are now combing the area.

  Tags: police-jokes

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• I was about to crack a joke on boxers; now leave it, I forgot the punchline.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Someone told me they didn't like calculus. I told them their opinion would change over time.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• What brand of cereal is the strongest?? Mini Wheats, because they’re shredded.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• If you ever get locked outside, talk to your lock calmly. Because communication is the key

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend really changed onced she decided to be a vegetarian. It's like I've never known herbivore

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do librarians hate tennis? Too much racket.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• The best time to open a gift is the present.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The Russian Navy has announced that it's commissioning glass-bottom warships. ...so they can keep an eye on the Russian Air Force.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise. He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many ants are needed to fill an apartment? Ten-ants

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why was the tree excited about the future? It was ready to turn over a new leaf!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the mirror say to the icicle? If we had kids it would be a miracle.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

  Tags: crazy-jokes

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• I've been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now, I think I'll start calling them traditions.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I entered a my pet snail into a race and removed its shell thinking it would make it faster... Unfortunately, it only made it more sluggish.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's an advantage of being Swiss? The flag is a big plus.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I could meet my brain the first thing I would probably say is: "It was truly and sincerely horrible working with you."

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've put something aside for a rainy day. It's an umbrella.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Before I buy a leaf blower I want to make sure I understand the rules. We just blow the leaves at each other's houses, right?

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Why do you never wear two monocles at the same time? Because you'd make a spectacle of yourself.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Why was the little ink drop crying? His mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I searched google for "how to start a large fire" 52,000 matches

  Tags: one-liners

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• Between the Stone Age and the Bronze Age, there was The Copper Age... Back then, people really knew how to conduct themselves...

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• My friend and I signed up to win a lifetime supply of skin lotion. He won and I didn't. The worst part is that he keeps rubbing it in.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• People who write "u" instead of "you". What do you do with all the time you save?

  Tags: one-liners

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• If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Becoming a father is easy enough, but being one can be very rough.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The hotel has a live band and my favourite song is "We're going for a break now, we'll be back later".

  Tags: one-liners

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• "Siri, why am I single?" Siri: opens front face camera

  Tags: one-liners

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• Bought a new jacket the other day and it burst into flames. Well, it was a blazer.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do bakeries in Denmark add so much sugar to their pastries? If they didn't, they would be sweetish.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

  Tags: misc

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• Do Roman paramedics refer to an IV as a four?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Conspiracy theories are a lot like moon landings. They're all fake

  Tags: one-liners

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• Andy’s Mom in Toy Story probably has toys too. They may even be called Woody and Buzz.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Just got my ticket to the Fibonacci convention! I hear this year is going to be as big as the last 2 put together.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture. I have a hunch it might be me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The book on chronology I ordered has finally arrived. It's about time...

  Tags: one-liners

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• I hate peer pressure and you should too.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Introverts have fun too, we just don't care if you know...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Lazy people fact #4564321564. You were too lazy to read that number.

  Tags: one-liners

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• 90's kids won't get this 😂😂. Affordable housing prices

  Tags: one-liners

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• It's not often that one gets the opportunity to speak about someone intelligent, respected and admired. Unfortunately tonight I have to talk about (NAME).

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is spiderman so good at comebacks? Because with great power comes great response ability.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What monster plays the most April Fool's jokes? Prankenstein!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Why are the developers of NoMansSky called Hellogames? Because you never get a goodbuy from them

  Tags: one-liners

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• The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• What shape is your hair in the morning? A wrecktangle. (Made up by my 10 year old daughter :)

  Tags: one-liners

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• Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Give a man a poison fish and feed him for the rest of his life.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I used to be scared of pretty girls, So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't understand why people don't like lazy people. They didn't do anything.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• In Europe, they don't call it the "Friend Zone" They call it the "Pal Region"

  Tags: one-liners

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• I never ask my kids to call me, I just change the Netflix password and then don't respond to their texts.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Have You Seen Any UFOs Lately?

  Have you noticed since most people have a camcorder these days there are not as many people talking about seeing UFOs as there use to be?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was wondering what my parents did without the internet. and none of my 7 siblings could tell me

  Tags: one-liners

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• At the end of the physics lecture, I asked the professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”. He said, “Sorry. There’s no time.”

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• What happens if you steel? You have to get Alloy-er

  Tags: one-liners

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• If a kid asks where rain comes from, I tell him, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, I tell him, "Probably because of something you did."

  Tags: misc

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• Remember, whenever someone says that you're nobody, remember nobody's perfect.

  Tags: misc

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• A Three legged dog walks into the old wild west saloon. He says to the bartender, "I'm lookin' fer the guy who shot my paw."

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does a German snake sound like? ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß....

  Tags: one-liners

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• My ex-gf invited me to her wedding. Told her I was busy, will be there next time

  Tags: one-liners

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• I read a science fiction book where people drill for mercury as a power source. It was by Hg Wells.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I promise to miss you, will you go away?

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many D D players does it take to change a light bulb? All of them. Never split the party.

  Tags: one-liners

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• People keep telling me that I'm a condescending person. ( That means I talk down to people. )

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why don't criminals hang out in front of pubs? Because they usually end up behind bars.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a mind reader who can't read minds? A telepathetic.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it's an anagram of 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Signwriters have their work cut out, don't they?

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Snake walks into a bar. And the bartender says ''How did you do that?''

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3? Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I dreamt about a horse last night. It turned out to be a night mare.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• William P. Holcomb's job is to supervise the tracking down of Houston, Texas parking ticket violators. It was revealed that he himself had 375 unpaid tickets.

  Tags: at-work

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• I had to quit my vegetarian diet. Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.

  Tags: one-liners

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• This vehicle stopped on a dime. Unfortunately, the dime was in Joey's pocket

  Tags: one-liners

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• Tarzan doesn't have a beard. Yet he lives in the jungle for over 30 years.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I hear some rich guy wants to build a tavern at the top of Mount Everest. Talk about raising the bar high!

  Tags: puns

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• I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember...You can always change your birthday on facebook!

  Tags: one-liners

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• All my friends from Ecuador seem to be really healthy. I guess the Quito diet is working for them.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Like I said before, I never repeat myself.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I asked God for a car, but I know God doesn't work that way... So, I stole a car and asked for forgiveness.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Man I really hate calculus. It just derives me crazy

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• I got my tattoo artist to write “Tattoo artists are stupid” on my back. I thought I got him pretty good until I realized the joke was on me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A man was drinking the blood of a vampire... He said, "Hm, irony"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two Teemos sit in a brush. One says to the other "There's not mushroom in here"

  Tags: one-liners

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• IRS... we've got what it takes, to take what you've got

  Tags: one-liners

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• if stealing kids is kidnapping,is stealing adults oldnapping?

  Tags: one-liners

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• "Raccoons"? Oh, you mean garbage pandas?

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What do you call a broken can opener? A can't opener

  Tags: one-liners

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• I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them. I can also tell if they’re standing.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on. This one was written in London.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My password is the last 16 digits of Pi.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Finland have just closed their borders.... Which means no one can cross the finish line.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I bought my friend an elephant for their room. They said thank you. I said don't mention it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is the army so strict about their uniforms? To minimize casual tees...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the turkey play drums in his band? Because he already had drumsticks!

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I didn't lose my mind! I sold it on Ebay...

  Tags: one-liners

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• I hate sports like cricket and baseball because all you do is hit and run over and over. if I wanted to hit and run I'd get in a car

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Wow, that was embarrassing. I opened my fridge and saw my salad dressing.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• The skeleton walked into the bar and asked, "Can I have a beer and a mop?"

  Tags: bar

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• You know that you're a really boring person when someone steals your identity and then tries to give it back.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where do sharks go on summer vacation? Finland!

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What's the difference between a pipe fitter and a chemical engineer? They way they pronounce unionized.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Success is relative. The more success, the more relatives!

  Tags: one-liners

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• You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do we know that soccer referees are happy? Because they whistle while they work.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, sports

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• What's the derivative of Amazon? Amazon Prime

  Tags: one-liners

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• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there..... It'll have its prose and cons.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "I'm sorry" and "I apologise" usually mean the same thing. ...except at a funeral

  Tags: one-liners

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• A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Imagine saying hello to a dog in a normal conversational voice.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine? He fell in love with a pincushion!

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What starts with “E” and has only one letter in it? Envelope!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do people ask me if I'm "hiding", if I was hiding you wouldn't see me!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the Pepsi executive get fired? He tested positive for Coke.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a snake that's 3.14 metres long? A πthon

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's it called when a King and Queen have no children? A receding heir line...

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have a pen that can write underwater! It can also write other words too

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where is the best dentist for walruses? Tuscaloosa

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm anti-work but pro-paycheck so you see my dilemma.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, money

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• Why did Leonardo DiCaprio laugh at the Oscar joke? Because he finally got it

  Tags: one-liners

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• My computer is so old, it has a VHS slot instead of a CD/DVD slot!!!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have only seen people underwhelmed or overwhelmed, never whelmed properly...

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What's the capital of Greece? About 5 euros.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Any of you been to Uruguay or Paraguay? If you ever wanna go I Knowaguay.

  Tags: one-liners

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• To kick start my New Year: I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

  Tags: one-liners

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• We conducted an online survey. and found that out of the world's population, 0% of people are Amish.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I asked the bus driver "How long will the next bus be?" He replied "Same length as this one."

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does George Washington have in common with Aunt Petunia from Harry Potter? They both went to Mount Vernon.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My missus was furious at me for kicking dropped ice-cubes under the refrigerator. But now it's just water under the fridge.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A king has 3 cups in front of him. The first 2 cups are full, the third cup is empty. What is the King's name? King Philip III

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why didn't the green pepper practice archery? Because it didn't habanero.

  Tags: one-liners

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• So far eating hasn't filled the emptiness I feel inside, but I'm no quitter.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I was going to be a computer forensics expert, but couldn't hack IT.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, programming

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• Shout-out to everyone who is struggling with establishing their identity. You know who you are.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's Cat. The librarian said "That rings a bell but I don't know if it's here or not."

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why should you wary of stairs? Because they are always up to something.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "What makes you qualified to be a waiter" I feel like I bring a lot to the table

  Tags: one-liners

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• Scientists have discovered a way to milk sheep. Just release a new iphone every year.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Did you hear about the woman who poured margaritas in her birdbath? Enough tequila mockingbird.

  Tags: puns

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• A three-legged poodle walked into a bar in the Wild West and said "Hey, I'm lookin for the guy who shot my paw!"

  Tags: misc

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• Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy googles "how to read a book".

  Tags: one-liners

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• If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I went to a dance recital in Asia. The koreagraphy was amazing

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm single by choice. Unfortunately, it's not my choice.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Told a girl to text me when she got home. She must be homeless.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you fall down a bottomless pit... do you eventually die of starvation?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is Asia's favourite sitcom? Everybody loves Ramen.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!

  Tags: one-liners

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• A lava rock quit his job at the volcano today. Said they took him for granite.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• When people don't make sense, listen to music. It always does.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the guy hate his job at the can crushing factory? It was soda pressing.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wish I was poor one day in my life... Because being poor everyday sucks...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Don't you just love whiteboards? They're remarkable.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Teacher: "I asked you to draw a cow and grass, but I only see a cow. Where is grass?" Student: "The cow ate the grass, sir."

  Tags: one-liners, animal, food

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• If you're looking for the best time to spill things on yourself, might I suggest wearing a white shirt and right before an interview.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes. But thats Heinz sight.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What has 6 eyes, 16 tentacles and quacks like a duck? I don't know either but it's in my kitchen please help.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are americans bad at DotA ? Because they cant defend their towers.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why does a 6 oz hamburger have less energy than a 6 oz steak? Because the hamburger is in the ground state.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Which side of a cheetah has the most spots? The outside.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did KGB officers always travel in threes? One who could read, one who could write, and the third to watch over those two dangerous intellectuals.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If time is money are ATM's time machines?

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says, "five beers, please."

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is six afraid of seven? Because there's something odd about him

  Tags: one-liners

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• Engineers have successfully made a car that can run on parsley. They are now attempting to make trains that can run on thyme...

  Tags: one-liners

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• As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office. I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Fruit Loops is putting marshmallows in their cereal like Lucky Charms. I guess Toucan play that game

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The only thing more important than your happiness is mine so get on it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A pencil and a scissors are having a debate. Everytime the pencil make a good point, the scissors get a little snippy.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I had four cappuccinos at one time. I was bouncing off the walls. Good thing they were padded.

  Tags: misc

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• I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank... I have no words for how angry I am.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Your future depends on your dreams. Don't waste any time, go to bed now.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where do admins go for summer break? Banned camp.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Do you know why Sonic never chooses Heads? Cause he prefers Tails.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Copper and chromium must be pretty great atoms... If they have such an exceptional ground state

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Why is leather armor best for sneaking? It's literally made of hide.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Five days of the week, my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park!

  Tags: one-liners

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• The Lazy Bowl Reclining toilet: It's plush while you flush!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a cheetah that's been eaten? Fast food.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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