Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• What happened after the wheel was invented? a revolution

  Tags: one-liners

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• My son asked me, “Dad, can I eat the last piece of cake in the fridge?” I smiled and said, “Sure..." "But the dining room would probably be more comfortable.”

  Tags: one-liners

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• If 7-11(pharmacy) is open 24/7 then why do they have locks on their doors?

  Tags: deep-thoughts

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• Jokes about unemployed people are not funny... They just don't work.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Good morning to everyone except people who call to make sure you got their email (like 30 seconds after you got it).

  Tags: one-liners

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• The cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through (spoilers) Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said "Can I have a word?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• What kind of organization is Atheism? Non-prophet.

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• My twin brother prefers to take the stairs, but I like the elevator. I guess we are raised differently.

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• The one item you need is always in short supply.

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• Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

  Tags: misc

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• Remember, whenever someone says that you're nobody, remember nobody's perfect.

  Tags: misc

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• Waitress: 'Do u have any questions about the menu?' Me: 'What kind of font is this?'

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• What pronouns should you use with a chocolate bar? Her/she

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• What is the name of a rock group that has four members yet none of them sing? Mount Rushmore

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• If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

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• If Mac users care more about the environment more than Windows users. Then why do Macs have a trash can and Windows has a recycling bin?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I bought a universal remote the other day. and I thought to myself "Wow, this changes everything!"

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• I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.

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• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

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• My Brother Said Science Is Better Than Mathematics. I Said "Prove It"

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Why is a baseball game a good place to go on a hot day? Because there are lots of fans.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• I was arrested for drinking battery acid. But I wasn’t charged.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics... But graphing is where I draw the line!

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• I would count my blessings on Thanksgiving, but my relatives outnumber them.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Where do Peek-a-boo patients go? The ICU.

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• I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means. What a legend.

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• Why do birds fly south in the Fall? Because it's too far to walk.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I got 50¢ for every math test I've failed. I would have $7.20 by now

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• What do you get when you drop the croissant your aunt made.. A cross aunt

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• I made voodoo dolls of my dogs just so I could still rub their bellies while I'm at work.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, at-work

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• I named my dog 6 miles so I can tell people that I walk 6 miles every single day.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, sports

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• My friend got jailed 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building. Turns out they were firefighters.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wanted to learn how to make ice cream, so I started attending sundae school.

  Tags: puns

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• I have 3 eyes, 6 heads and 15 limbs, what am I? A liar.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won't remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.

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• I want our relationship to be like a Nintendo DS cartridge. If we have any problems, take it out, blow on it, and put it back in.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

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• There's a pigeon walking up the driveway. I don't care what he wants. I'm not answering the door.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

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• What do you get if you boil funnybones? A laughing stock.

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• What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.

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• A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.

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• What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up? Someday my prints will come!

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• So I was asked the past tense of 'think' in a English test today. I thought and thought and thought and finally wrote 'thunk'.

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• Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.

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• Is your refrigerator running? Because I'd vote for it.

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• I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home. My lighthouse, my rules.

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• Some philosopher said “Change does not come from a place of comfort.”, but he was wrong. I’m always finding loose coins in my couch.

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• Why are Pokemon considered manly in Peru? It all dates back to the time of Macho-Pikachu

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• I was putting mustard on my sandwich and I had that strange feeling I had already done that. I was experiencing De'-Jonvu!

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I heard a banana a day helps clean out the colon. I then found out you’re supposed to eat the banana.

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• what is a 4 person rock group that doesn't play music? mount rushmore

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• My phone fell from the 20th floor, good thing it was in airplane mode.

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• What does the dentist of the year get?...A little plaque.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you think about it, a muffin is just a bald cupcake!

  Tags: misc

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• I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions. Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.

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• Why are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!

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• You're never too old to learn something stupid.

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• I made an outfit from asphalt. I'm going for the street look.

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• I've been waiting for the bus so long, someone just stapled a lost cat flyer to my chest.

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• I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.

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• What is Mr. T's favorite month? April, fools

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• If I had a dime for every math problem I get wrong. I'd have $1.46

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• "Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?" "Yes, we arson."

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• I called up GameStop customer support. They told me to hold.

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• I like 25 letters of the alphabet. But I love u

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• You don't have to go faster than the bear, you just have to go faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.

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• I might drive you crazy, but at least I'll take the scenic route.

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• How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus, the clowns don't talk.

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• What does an exorcist do when his clients won't pay up? He gets the ghosts to repossess the house.

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• No evidence is good enough for a Creationist... But no evidence is good enough for a Creationist.

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• I was feeling lonely, so I bought some shares. It's nice to have some company.

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• Why do sharks eat underwater internet cables? They were advised to have more fiber in their diet.

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• When I told my family I wanted to do stand-up comedy all they did was laughing.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I've been running as fast as I can, but I still can't catch my breath.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• What is the new name for a taxi in Oshakati? A computer. Why? It has windows, always crashes, & is driven by a thin black floppy with a virus.

  Tags: misc

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• Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

  Tags: misc

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• What fruit do you eat when you are sad? Blueberries.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Fun fact: You can’t breathe correctly while smiling. Just kidding, I made you smile :)

  Tags: one-liners

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• Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, programming

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• Global warming is a joke. Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

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• Today I quit drinking for good. now I only drink for evil

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• Why did the librarian get kicked off the plane? Because it was overbooked.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Social life? You mean my phone?

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• Why are ships' portholes round? So that if they break, water doesn't hit you square in the face.

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• Did you know to that tin can was invented 1810, but the can opener wouldn’t be invented for another 16 years? So until then they were just called can’ts.

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• Why are vegetarians never involved in Any drama? They can’t stand beef

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• My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week. My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.

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• I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I've caught.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I think you press "0" to be connected with customer service because that's the amount of help they give you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Computer does what you command him to do but not what you want from him.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do all the Norwegian military vessels have barcodes on the bow? So upon their return, they can Scandinavian

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• How does a Flat Earther travel the world? on a plane

  Tags: one-liners

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• Which side of a cheetah has the most spots? The outside.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you tell the difference between an electrician and an electrical engineer? Ask them to pronounce the word, "unionized".

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the letter O say to the letter Q? "For God's sake man, put some pants on!"

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a man who is in debt? Owen

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Easiest way to win a debate is to have a sharp sword at the ready. Everybody will agree you have a good point

  Tags: one-liners

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• England fans must be pretty happy right now. They've been waiting years for their team to play like Spain.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You might be a Redneck if you see a sign that says, "Say no to crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.

  Tags: misc

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• I once told the family I like heavy metal. I got an iron anvil. Best gift ever.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Why should you always knock on your fridge door before opening it? Because there could be an Italian dressing inside.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Grey hair is hereditary - you get it from your kids.

  Tags: children

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• Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• What do you call a mind reader who can't read minds? A telepathetic.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I had a scary math joke... But I'm 2^2 to say it

  Tags: one-liners

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• Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar... Its called inflation.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips!

  Tags: one-liners, food, programming

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• i think the story of Noah's life was a bit boring. But it did have a nice arc

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• I keep getting hit by the same bike, at the same time and place, day after day... It's a vicious cycle.

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• If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.

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• How do you measure the quality of a dadjoke? With a sighsmograph

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• Iron deficiency gang, rise up! But not too fast.

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• The rotation of earth. Really makes my day.

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• -40° outside sounds brutally cold, Fahrenheit or Celsius. My friend Kelvin just rolled his eyes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Shouldn't you be on top of the tree, Angel?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the dentist said to the Sabretooth tiger? You have outstanding teeth.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, medical

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• What kind of fish is made of only two sodium atoms? 2Na

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• One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my salad?"

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Today I discovered someone had stolen my activation for Microsoft Office... I don't know who you are but I will find you, you have my word.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've only been wrong once, and that's when I thought I was wrong.

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• No matter how bad your personal situation is - alcohol is never the answer. Alcohol is the question, and "yes" is the answer.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When is it legal to trick people to go into massive debt to pay for a useless thing with no refund? When you're selling a bachelor degree in sophistry.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.

  Tags: misc

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• I almost got busted for shoplifting candy today... But I got out of it. I've got a couple of twix up my sleeve.

  Tags: one-liners

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• if stealing kids is kidnapping,is stealing adults oldnapping?

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• I'll only go to elementary school reunions because those people didn't start to hate me until we were in high school.

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• I'm such a bad golfer, they should send me to Mars. I'm guaranteed to find water.

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• My Sister was crying so I asked her if she was having a cry-sis.

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• What's the most useful material? Scratch. You can make anything from scratch.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Recursion

  To understand recursion, you must first understand recursion.

  Tags: tech, one-liner

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• Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat? Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.

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• People make such a big deal about vegans, but I don't get it. I've never had a beef with one.

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• My friend asked me if I was going to Asia... I told him, "Yeah, Siam."

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• Why are 490 Romans funny? Because XD

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• As a child I was obsessed with the difference between cosine and sine. As I got older I realized it was just a phase

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• My missus was furious at me for kicking dropped ice-cubes under the refrigerator. But now it's just water under the fridge.

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• Never trust a dog to watch your food.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I used to steal comedians' jokes and not credit them. I still do, but I used to, too.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!

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• If what you don't know can't hurt you, you're invulnerable.

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• If it weren't for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for everybody.

  Tags: puns

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• Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle? It’s Eeleagle

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the coffee lose the lawsuit? Because it had no legal grounds

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Why didn’t aliens visit our Solar system yet? Because they saw the reviews and it only had one star.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Officer, if you are what you eat... Then I'm an innocent man.

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• All things are possible - except skiing through a revolving door.

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• I will never date a girl who doesn’t understand algebra jokes. That’s why my x is no longer in the equation

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• If you weigh 99 pounds and eat 1 pound of nachos you will be 1% nachos!

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• The king of precipitation doesn't visit Earth very often. He reigns from above.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sad news....I lost my job as a stage designer, I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.

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• I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety. ...before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything

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• The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to use the stairs... one step at a time.

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• The word 'nothing' is a palindrome. 'Nothing' reversed is 'Gnihton' which also means nothing

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• If you say "I knew you were going to say that" enough. You can start billing people for psychic readings.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What part of a football ground is never the same? The changing rooms.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• It's pretty easy to fall in love with an Olympic Curler. They're used to sweeping people off their feet

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the difference between america and a bottle of milk? In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture

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• A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What kind of key opens a casket? A skeleton key.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws? It was given two consecutive sentences.

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• I told the waiter my fish was dry. The waiter said they had to take it out of the water.

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• No matter how kind you are. German children are kinder

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• I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Why do they have bar codes on the returning Swedish fleet? So they can Scandinavian.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• I use my cell phone as an alarm clock. I call it Veriz'n shine..

  Tags: one-liners

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• It's okay Microsoft Excel even my love life is not responding.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• When a twitter troll disappears it just means his mom changed the wifi password until his chores are done.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg

  Tags: one-liners

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• When you have finished reading the dictionary? Every other book is just a remix.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Dates a zombie: so someone finally likes me for my brain.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is the army so strict about their uniforms? To minimize casual tees...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Five days of the week, my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't care how old I am, I will see Finding Dory.

  Tags: one-liners

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• what is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? one is heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I've learned anything in life, it's that not enough people are at a loss for words.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The only thing more important than your happiness is mine so get on it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a big rock.

  Tags: one-liners

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• THIS JUST IN!!!!! Corduroy pillows are making headlines.........

  Tags: one-liners

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• Shout-out to everyone who is struggling with establishing their identity. You know who you are.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did one candle say to the other? "Don't birthdays burn you up?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• EA's microtransaction policy is so bad that... [This punchline is locked. Please pay 20,000 credits to unlock]

  Tags: one-liners

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• Dating is a lot like fishing. Sure, there's plenty of fish in the sea. But until i catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was setting a voice recognition password for my new phone and a nearby dog barked and ran away. Now I am still looking for the dog to unlock my phone.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, programming

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• What do you call a sad coffee? A depresso

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm stuck somewhere between playing my cards right & not playing with a full deck.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How did the two archaeologists fall in love? Carbon dating.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Apparently you can't use "beefstew" as a password. It just isn't stroganoff.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Detective 1: I think the accountant did it. I found a calculator at the crime scen. Detective 2: that adds up

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• If Cinderella had been a dairy maid she would have been called... Mozzarella!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Does anyone know how to avoid click bait? Apparently not.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you power a piano with a cable does it have a chord?

  Tags: one-liners

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• My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture. I have a hunch it might be me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sometime in the future, Canada will rule the earth. And then you’ll all be sorry.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

  Tags: one-liners

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• It seems like less people are solving their differences with dance offs.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You might be a teacher if you have an overwhelming urge to nod and say, "Now I understand why your kid is the way he/she is," after meeting the parents.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did Leonardo DiCaprio laugh at the Oscar joke? Because he finally got it

  Tags: one-liners

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• Watchmakers. Do you think watchmakers ever take a day off to unwind?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I gave up Thai boxing because I felt the Thais were getting fed up being put in boxes.

  Tags: puns

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• What did everyone do after the Super Bowl was over? Watch the second half.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the mermaid rush out of her maths exam, red faced and embarrassed? Because her algaebra didn't hold up.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have an 8:30 dinner reservation tonight. That's like midnight in middle-age time.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• When inmates fall in love. Do the finish each others sentences?

  Tags: one-liners

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• A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the speed of dark?

  Tags: misc

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• So I bought a miniature airbus and hung it on display in my living room, but nobody seems to notice it. It's a little plane.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Today i taught my son a lesson by eating his homework. Tomorrow he will learn that most people do not believe you, even if you tell the truth.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If Microsoft ever makes a product that doesn't suck it'll be a vacuum!

  Tags: one-liners

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• My math teacher called me average... How mean.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Man I really hate calculus. It just derives me crazy

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Why is the archaeologist sad? Because his career is in ruins.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Yesterday I robbed the oversized board game store. It was a huge Risk that I was willing to take

  Tags: one-liners

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• When life hands you melons... You might be dyslexic.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I use to eat natural foods, but then I found out that 65% of all people die of natural causes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What happened when the two angels got married? They lived harpily ever after!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl. Then she noticed me so we went for a run.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the Walrus cross the road? Just for the halibut.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Wanna hear a dirty joke? A boy fell in a mud puddle.

  Tags: puns

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• what did the optometrist say to the tiny Australian insect? "good eye, mite"

  Tags: one-liners

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• So my twin brother called me from prison. He said, "So you know how we finish each others' sentences?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• what kind of music sinks to the bottom of the ocean? Heavy rock

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• Men who walk in front of car get tired. Men who walk in back of car get exhausted.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two cheese trucks ran into each other. De brie was everywhere.

  Tags: one-liners

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