Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• I went to the National Air and Space Museum in DC... There was a lot more stuff in there than I'd expected

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• If you don't like my driving, stay out of the bus shelters!

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• When I went to Japan on vacation, I didn't see a single ninja. Impressive.

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• A Pokemon go user walks into a bar. Because he was too busy looking at his phone to notice it

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• Call me geometry... Because when I become difficult, guys cheat on me.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth today. Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent

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• You should respect people who wear glasses. They paid money to see you.

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• I went to go see a psychic the other day.. I asked her if I'd ever be going to jail some time in the future. She said no, so I robbed her.

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• Copper and chromium must be pretty great atoms... If they have such an exceptional ground state

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• One of my coworkers got fired for putting dangerous substances in the products. I don’t think it was completely his fault though. He did asbestos he could.

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• How do you turn a seal into a sea lion? Remove an electron.

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• “How much to buy a singing ensemble!?” I asked the clerk. Puzzled, he questioned, "You mean a choir?" “Fine! How much to acquire a singing ensemble!?”

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• Now that everyone carries a decent camera with them... Where did all of the U.F.O's go?

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• How do you spell candy with two letters? C and Y

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• My daughters boyfriend still doesn't know how to tie his shoes... Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing.

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• Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

  Tags: misc

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• What does 50 Cent call himself in Russia? 50,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 rubles

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• Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle? It’s Eeleagle

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• Accidentally swiped my donor card instead of my debit card today... my groceries ended up costing me an arm and a leg

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• I thought it would be a cool idea to have sonic in real life. But apparently speed doesn’t make animals faster

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• If shotgun slugs are inside shotgun shells... Does that make them shotgun snails?

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• Fun fact: "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound. . . At least, I'm pretty sure that's correct.

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• Did you hear about the guy who couldn't pay for his exorcism? He got repossessed.

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• What did one hamburger bun say to the other hamburger bun? Nothing. They had beef between them.

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• My boss told me, "You are the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I replied, "I don't know; it's hard to keep track".

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• I'm positive I lost an electron better keep an ion that.

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• antique-an item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again.

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• My daughter has a math test on Roman numerals. I told her I hope she gets a "C".

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess. But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.

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• What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth? The Crimea River.

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• People always call me a walking dictionary. I thought they meant I was smart with a good vocabulary, but apparently I’m just thick.

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• [God-awful OC] What do you call someone who lets people rent wifi signals from them? The lanlord!

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• What's the difference between a pipe fitter and a chemical engineer? They way they pronounce unionized.

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• Scientist keep finding broom sticks all over beaches. Due to sand-witches

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• It must be tough for a comedian at a cricket club. He gets the same reaction whether he bowls them over or stumps them.

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• I recently ran an ultra marathon in northern Sweden... I realised that I had gone way off course as soon as I crossed the Finnish line.

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• Did you hear what happened to the big game taxidermist who fell behind on his debt? His deer rear career is in arrears

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• If you can't think of a word, say "I forgot the English word for it." That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

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• What do you call a vet that can only work on one animal? A doctor

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• At the job interview, I asked what is the salary like. They said I'll start at minimum wage and make double of that in two years. Ok, I'll be back in two years.

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• Why are pills white? Because they work.

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• I had a really good joke... but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime

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• is it crazy how saying sentences backwards . . . . . .create backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

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• An Integer walks to a String and asks for its number. String replies, "Sorry, you're not my type."

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• My bank account was hacked!!! The hacker was so disappointed, he started a fundraiser for me.

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• I know a mathematician who can't afford lunch. He can binomial.

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• I received a letter stating I have outstanding debt. I thought, “Why yes, it is pretty fantastic!”

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• If you think about it, a muffin is just a bald cupcake!

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• Period- The thing at the end of a sentence.

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• On the other hand, you have different fingers.

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• Why can't proctologists get out of debt? They're always in arrears.

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• As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.

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• What is the best power tool to love? A Sawzall. Because it will reciprocate.

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• I once told the family I like heavy metal. I got an iron anvil. Best gift ever.

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• Why are Jedi so bad at rugby? Because there is no try.

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• The Nintendo 64 turned 18 today. Now you can legally blow the cartridges.

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• If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you -the next time he's in need.

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• My friend and I signed up to win a lifetime supply of skin lotion. He won and I didn't. The worst part is that he keeps rubbing it in.

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• Q: How was copper wire invented?A: Two lawyers were arguing over a penny.

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• How was the Roman Empire cut in half? With a pair of caesars.

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• What do you call a wolf who reads philosophy? AWAREWOLF

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• When everything is coming your way, you're on the wrong side of the freeway.

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• Here's a lighted dynamite stick, please hold it until I get back.

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• Atlas is the biggest thief in history, because he held up the whole world.

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• What kind of organization is Atheism? Non-prophet.

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• What do you call a man who is in debt? Owen

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• You are always stranded if the tire bursts in your Apple car. Because it has no jack.

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• Q: Where can you find a dog with no legs?A:Right where you left it.

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• What did the light bulb say to the socket?I love you watts!!

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• My doctor said I need to cut back my sodium intake but I tend to take everything he says with a grain of salt.

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• What has 6 letters, starts with 'P', and ends a sentence? Parole.

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• I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators. I'm taking steps to avoid them.

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• My tennis career has taught me that I can be the best basketball player ever. Nothing but net

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• Why is Antarctica the least corrupt continent? Because it has justice

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• I've heard that Argentina is starting to get a little colder... In fact, it's bordering on Chile

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• Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him i was married now and that's where i sleep.

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• Of all the inventions of the last 100 years... the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable

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• I wish my cereal didn't get soggy so fast. But Life is often disappointing.

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• My horse was way more aggressive than usual today. it threw me off

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• My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

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• Why are most prime numbers such divas? Because they literally. Can't. Even.

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• I don’t understand why my credit score is so low. Every time collectors call, they say my payments have been outstanding.

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• Why did Australia get all the criminals while America got all the puritans? >!Because Australia won the coin toss!<

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• How do priests make Holy Water?They boil the hell out of it!

  Tags: heaven-and-hell

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• Two men walk into a bar. The third man ducks.

  Tags: misc

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• Recursion

  To understand recursion, you must first understand recursion.

  Tags: tech, one-liner

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• A waiter on a ship said to a boarding lion "sir, do you want anything of the chef's special?" The lion said "nah..I'll look at the passenger list,though!"

  Tags: animal

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• I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

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• Why don't Malaysian TV shows get commissioned? Because they all have terrible pilots.

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• You know the times have changed... When Portugal leaves Brazil without taking any Gold.

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• What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze pilots say to his students? Watch closely. I’m only going to do this once.

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• If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!

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• At the interview they offered me a salary of $20,000 to work there. I told them to add two 0's at the end and they have a deal. Now I make $20,000.00

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• Why was Anakin Skywalker rejected for a credit card? Because he applied for a MasterCard.

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• What do you call it when Arnold Schwarzenegger remembers the lyrics to Africa? Toto recall

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• Cereal first or milk first? Neither. Bowl first.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• What do you call a Frenchman that's been attacked by a bear? Claude

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• What do British nuclear engineers eat? Fission chips.

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• Villain : Why is my calendar wrapped in aluminium? Superhero : I’ve foiled your plan.

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• where does steel wool come from? Robot sheep

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• I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday, I beat the raining champion.

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• Marble is a valuable building material and should not be taken for granite.

  Tags: puns

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• I can see six years into the future. I must have 2020 vision.

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• How do you talk with bacteria? By cellphone.

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• My computer is so old, it has a VHS slot instead of a CD/DVD slot!!!

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• Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?

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• If 666 is the evil number. Then 25.806975... is the root of all evil.

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• What animal is 80% wool? A woolf.

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• Joe: When I would wear my hand-me-downs to school, all of the boys would make fun of me. Moe: What did you do?Joe: I hit them over the head with my purse.

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• Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan"

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• Why did the otter want to work at NASA? So he could go to Otter Space.

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• Why are divorces so expensive? Because they're worth it.

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• People make such a big deal about vegans, but I don't get it. I've never had a beef with one.

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• My family treats me like a god. They only talk to me when they want something.

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• Hey! I recognize you! You're the third one over on the evolutionary scale!

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• What do you call an airship made up of lights? An LED Zeppelin

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• My GF said she's leaving me because of my obsession with TV Dramas. But will she really leave me?... Find out next week!

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• If you ever feel lonely... just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies. After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore.

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• Soo we’re going to the Autopsy club tonight huh? What’s happening there? It’s open Mike night!

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• My boss said, "Have a good day"... So I went home.

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• What happens if you steel? You have to get Alloy-er

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• Russian history in 5 words: "And then things got worse."

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• Why is it best to teach physics on the edge of a cliff? It's where the students have the most potential.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• What do you call someone who steals a glacier? An iceberglar

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• Haven't worn a bra in 4 days.... I love being a man

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• Do doughnut shops need security systems?

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• How do you get three old ladies to say the "F" word? Yell "BINGO!"

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• How do you measure the quality of a dadjoke? With a sighsmograph

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• How much do used batteries cost? Nothing, they are free of charge.

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• What does George Washington have in common with Aunt Petunia from Harry Potter? They both went to Mount Vernon.

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• My friend got jailed 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building. Turns out they were firefighters.

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• What do you call an artist in a dark alley? Sketchy

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• Some acids walked into the enemy base... Threat Neutralized.

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• X-axis + Y-axis + Z-axis + time = 4 dimensions.

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• I read right the way through a medical dictionary, and found that the only thing in it I DON'T have is hypochondria!

  Tags: medical

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• What do you do if you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

  Tags: animal

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• Why did Pavlov have extra soft hair? Classical conditioning

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• A pasta chef was caught stuffing the ballot boxes at a big Broadway awards show. Apparently, he was trying to rig a Tony.

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• Our local cemetery is running out of spaces It’s a grave issue

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• My friends keep telling me to stop impersonating butter. But I can't. I'm on a roll now

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• I like decimal place jokes. Jokes about whole numbers just have no point.

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• What do you get when you cross Henry VIII and Vlad the Impaler? Executed.

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• When a man wants to believe something, it doesn't take much to convince him.

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• What do you call a cheetah that's been eaten? Fast food.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Why shouldn't you enter into a contract with Wolverine? Because of his retractable clause.

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• A man has been found guilty of overusing commas. The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.

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• Why did the Stormtrooper buy an iPhone? Because he couldn't find the Droid he was looking for.

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• If I had a dime for every time I didn't understand what's going on. I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

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• 'Do Not Touch' Must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille

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• If Microsoft ever makes a product that doesn't suck it'll be a vacuum!

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• My father said I would be able to consider myself successful when my bank account balance resembled a phone number. Hey. 911 is a phone number.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron. Which is ironic.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• We thought it was our ability to love that made us human, but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A TRUCK.

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• Do you know why Sonic never chooses Heads? Cause he prefers Tails.

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• Why did the coffee lose the lawsuit? Because it had no legal grounds

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I told my chiropractor that my spine was already in alignment, but he proved me wrong. Now I stand corrected.

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• Why was the dentist investigated by the Securities & Exchange Commission? For incisor trading!

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• If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

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• My friend tries to impress girls by drawing realistic pictures of a Ford F-150. He’s ....a pickup artist.

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• I didn't lose my mind! I sold it on Ebay...

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• I saved 15% on car insurance by switching.... The gear to reverse and pulling away from the accident

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• Success is relative. The more success, the more relatives!

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• My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

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• I got mugged by 6 dwarves . not Happy.

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• In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

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• As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.

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• What is the king of all tools? The Ruler.

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• Do bakers with a sense of humor bake wry bread?

  Tags: puns

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• What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose

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• I know someone who faked his degree in botany. He wrote his thesis on artificial Christmas trees.

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• A donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though. Because even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass.

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• What do you call an Australian visiting England on vacation? Returning to the scene of the crime.

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• I went to the Atlanta Falcons locker room to get some change for a dollar... But they only gave me 3 quarters.

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• I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby. Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours.

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• I just went to the Air & Space museum. Boy do I feel ripped off. It was just an empty room.

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• Peter Mayhew will be reprising his role as Chewbacca in the next Star Wars movie! They said they wanted to cast the role to a veteran rather than a wookiee.

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• Have you heard about the boss who got their foot stuck in an electrical cord? >!They went on a power trip!<

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• I just found out Canada isn’t real. Turns out it was all maple leaf.

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• How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello? Konnichihuahua

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• What does Arnold Schwarzenegger say at a bar mitzvah? Muscle. Tough.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The price of balloons is said to rise. It's only logical with all the inflation.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What kind kind of triangle is a tortilla chip? An i-salsa-les triangle

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• A Sheep, a Drum, and a Snake fall off a cliff. Baa-Dumm-Tsss

  Tags: one-liners

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• 5 years from now it'll be 2020... I can see it now... That's a perfect vision joke.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Birthdays are good for your health. Studies have shown that people with more birthdays live longer.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control. But cases continue to rise.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Why do librarians hate tennis? Too much racket.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• You can fool all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, and that should be sufficient for most purposes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is the south bad at calculus? They don't know how to integrate.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• What's green and goes camping?A boy sprout!

  Tags: misc

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• What do you call an iron/carbon alloy that never gets embarrassed? Shameless steel

  Tags: one-liners

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• Mosquitos consider most people as food, but grandma's an open bar.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Life is full of uncertainties...or could I be wrong about that?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist. It's called 'Facebook'

  Tags: one-liners

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• I hope you never get a tetanus shot; maybe you'll windup with lockjaw.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that there is no bad news. The bad news is that there is no good news.

  Tags: misc

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• What's a golfers' favorite type of music? Swing.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• What's a 6.9? A great thing ruined by a period.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple Store? For the watch

  Tags: one-liners

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• Divorced Barbie doll.. Comes with all Ken's stuff.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking, but the invention of the broom swept the nation.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If at first you don't suceed...lower your standards!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the triangle say to the circle? You're pointless! (by the way, my 8 year old heard at school)

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Argon walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve noble gases here." Argon doesn't react.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What a do a bunch of people in Brazil speak? Portuguese. What does just one Brazilian speak? Portugoose.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What animal has exactly 12 grams of carbon? A mole

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is Google Chrome like a submarine? They tend to get a little slow if you open too many windows.

  Tags: one-liners

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• This fibonacci joke. is as bad as the last two you heard combined

  Tags: one-liners

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• Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Have You Seen Any UFOs Lately?

  Have you noticed since most people have a camcorder these days there are not as many people talking about seeing UFOs as there use to be?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Kim Jung Un loves to read books, what does that make him? A glorious reader.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about the LEGO truck that crashed on the highway? Authorities are still trying to piece everything together...

  Tags: one-liners

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• I spent £80 taking my son to see the cricket today. Eighty quid and all it did was hop about and chirrup.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Most people think rattlesnakes and cobras are very dangerous... but really, they're completely armless.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A-flat minor.

  Tags: puns

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• I just aced my philosophy test. The question was, "What is the central question of epistemology?" I answered, "How should I know?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia. She whispers, "They're right behind you!"

  Tags: one-liners

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• She was only a whisky maker's daughter, but he loved her still.

  Tags: puns

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• My home town is so small, we have part-time village idiot.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Do you know how to make $20B in the Tech business? Start with $44B

  Tags: one-liners

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• This vehicle stopped on a dime. Unfortunately, the dime was in Joey's pocket

  Tags: one-liners

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• How did the two archaeologists fall in love? Carbon dating.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The guy at my local music shop asked me why I'm always coming in to buy new harmonicas. I told him "I blow right through them"

  Tags: one-liners

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• If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY. That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Overall, I'd say my career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do so many robots live in Africa? 'Cause Botswana.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about the woman who poured margaritas in her birdbath? Enough tequila mockingbird.

  Tags: puns

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• Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• went to a temporary tatoo parlor. it wouldn't wash off so I went back to complain but the shop was gone.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

  Tags: crazy-jokes

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• 8 P, 8 N and 8 E in an O A

  8 protons, 8 neutrons and 8 electrons in an oxygen atom!

  Tags: misc

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• How do you make a racing snail faster? I tried taking his shell off but it only made him more sluggish.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you know that the vast majority of convicted criminals are married men? It's the only way they get to finish a sentence.

  Tags: one-liners

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• One of the greatest labor-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is Metallica the safest band to listen to in an airport? Because they haven't set off a metal detector since 1989.

  Tags: one-liners, music, science

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• What did the melon say when his lawn looked dry. Guess it's time to watermalawn.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The one item you need is always in short supply.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I tried dating a cougar once. Turned out she was a cheetah.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Hawt het hlle ma i redanig?

  Tags: misc

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• Why did Goku cross the road? Find out next time on Dragonball Z!

  Tags: one-liners

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