Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• Why did I divide sin by tan? Just cos.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

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• I'll be doing a book signing today at Barnes & Noble from 2pm until they kick me out for writing in random books.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Can't throw the ball, kept on bouncing away: situation is out of hand.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• The device will work much better, if you turn it on.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What is an astronaut's favorite key on a keyboard? Space!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia. and she whispered "They're behind you."

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• Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

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• What do you call a monkey holding a fire cracker? A Baboom!

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• I gave my friend an elephant to put in his room. He said "thanks". I said "don't mention it".

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• Why does leather armor make you better at sneaking? Because it's made of hide.

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• Why couldn’t the beekeeper afford a GPS device? Because honey can’t buy mappiness.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I'm dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• You can freeze a human to -273.15 C. He'd be 0K.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I'm being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I'm talking about.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I almost got busted for shoplifting candy today... But I got out of it. I've got a couple of twix up my sleeve.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Do bakers with a sense of humor bake wry bread?

  Tags: puns

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• If I got 50¢ for every math test I've failed. I would have $7.20 by now

  Tags: one-liners

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• I hate when people ask for likes... Like if you agree!

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• How do we know that soccer referees are happy? Because they whistle while they work.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, sports

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• My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume, she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Let's walk and talk. You go that way.

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• Why did the console gamer cross the road? To render the other side

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• A man goes to a Halloween party dressed up as a chicken and he meets a girl dressed up as an egg. The answer is the chicken.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I like my puns like I like my sausages... the wurst ones are the best.

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• Isn't it fascinating how feet smell and noses run?

  Tags: misc

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• Met a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home. I guess he's homeless.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said: ‘dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• a termite walks into a bar. And asks the waitress, is the bar tender here?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's DJ Khaleds favourite number? 11 because it has another 1.

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• Why is it best to teach physics on the edge of a cliff? It's where the students have the most potential.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Just lost my job as a zookeeper. In my defence there were signs everywhere saying "please don't feed the animals"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are volcanoes so jolly? Whenever they hear a joke, they erupt with laughter

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• What do you call a frog stuck in mud? Unhoppy.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Why doesn't the glue inside the bottle dry?

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• What was the barristas favourite part about being arrested? The mug shots.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Teacher: "I asked you to draw a cow and grass, but I only see a cow. Where is grass?" Student: "The cow ate the grass, sir."

  Tags: one-liners, animal, food

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• Did you hear about the failed mission to Antarctica? Their journey went south.

  Tags: one-liners

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• To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you.. You have my Word.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Meteorologists - People who tell something wrong and still get paid.

  Tags: at-work

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• I don't know why people are afraid of flying. Most crashes happen at ground level

  Tags: one-liners

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• I had a really good joke... but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime

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• My dad's bread factory burnt down. Now his business is toast

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• What is the best way to communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• So apparently RSVP'ing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I tried to escape the Apple store. I couldn't because there were no Windows.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• A Three legged dog walks into the old wild west saloon. He says to the bartender, "I'm lookin' fer the guy who shot my paw."

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• The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn. He orders a bear.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The Calbuco volcano is very hot right now... But everything around it is Chile.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.

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• Light travels faster than sound! That's why some people appear bright until they talk.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have a fear of elevators but I'm taking steps to avoid it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish. The results speak for themselves.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why hasn't Africa ever won Olympic gold in basketball? Because Africa isn't a country.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What if there were no hypothetical questions?Why does the word 'monosyllabic' have so many syllables?

  Tags: misc

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• My password is the last 16 digits of Pi.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• If I had a Delorean. I’d probably only drive it from time to time...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the snowman call his dog Frost ? Because frost bites !

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Good morning to everyone except people who call to make sure you got their email (like 30 seconds after you got it).

  Tags: one-liners

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• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why can't Ewoks yell and scream in the house? They have to use their Endor voices.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The US has placed 18th for math... It sounds bad, I’m just glad we hit top ten.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Why did the Walrus cross the road? Just for the halibut.

  Tags: one-liners

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• People make such a big deal about vegans, but I don't get it. I've never had a beef with one.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? Look for the fresh prints.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If humans are at the top of the food chain... Cannibals are one step above.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.

  Tags: misc

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• In Europe, they don't call it the "Friend Zone" They call it the "Pal Region"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are americans bad at DotA ? Because they cant defend their towers.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver!

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Don't be irreplaceable - if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I'll never forget the first time we met. But I'll keep trying.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Is pikachu called pikachu because he always say pikachu or is he saying pikachu because he is pikachu?

  Tags: one-liners

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• The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body that is required on it.

  Tags: misc

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• I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting between two identical twins. It was impossible to differentiate between them.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing? and delivery

  Tags: one-liners

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• Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I think the most exciting thing about being an adult is never knowing what part of your body is going to hurt the next day

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• What do you call motor oil from Cuba? Fidel Castrol

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• I was going to make a joke about blunt blades... But I don't see the point.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once. It’s a four loaf cleaver

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Albert Einstein just finished his theory about space. Its about time too

  Tags: one-liners

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• There are so many scams on the Internet these days.... but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Do doughnut shops need security systems?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I never ask my kids to call me, I just change the Netflix password and then don't respond to their texts.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Vegans who drink water disgust me. That's a Fish's house you filthy Savage.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. But the light bulb has to want to change.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Now that everyone carries a decent camera with them... Where did all of the U.F.O's go?

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many country singers does it take to change a light bulb? 2. One to change it and one to sing about how much they miss the old one.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• If Stranger Things was British it’d be called. Bit Odd Innit?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are most prime numbers such divas? Because they literally. Can't. Even.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My daughter told me to treat her like a princess... so I made her marry a man she has never met before in order to secure an alliance with France.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I saw an Elsa blanket. I didn’t get it though, the cold never really bothered me anyways.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Be nice to your kids, they'll choose your nursing home.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Alligators can grow up to 15 feet... But most only grow four.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is a vampires favourite type of ship? A blood vessel.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do all the Norwegian military vessels have barcodes on the bow? So upon their return, they can Scandinavian

  Tags: one-liners

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• For 2020 my goal is to be less condescending to people. Condescending means to talk down to someone.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does a hockey player and a magician have in common? Both do hat tricks!

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• They should stock ATM's better. I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Is that a mirror in your jeans? Because I can see myself in them.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If the earth really is flat. Wouldn't cats have pushed everything off the edge by now?

  Tags: one-liners

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• My life peaked when I got to fly a helicopter. Unfortunately its been a downward spiral ever since.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do librarians hate tennis? Too much racket.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Why are spiders great tennis players? Cause they have great topspin.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, sports

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• Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours. A worst case scenario.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say. "Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Working at home sucks .if you’re a firefighter.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You might be a Redneck if you see a sign that says, "Say no to crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.

  Tags: misc

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• T-shirt is actually short for tyrannosaurus shirt. It's because of the small arms.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you have to do to have a party in space? You have to Planet.

  Tags: one-liners

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• To the person who invented infinity: "Thanks for everything."

  Tags: one-liners

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• My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why didn't the bear go to college? Because bears don't go to college.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Hey did you guys know South America is getting overpopulated? Yea, there’s like a brazilian people there.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do '90s kids count to 6? Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, cinco, seis.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why does Waldo wear stripes? He doesn't want to be spotted

  Tags: one-liners

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• Ebay needs to step their game up. I searched for a cigarette lighter and 15,000 matches came up.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My brother always lies, today he finally admitted to being a pathological liar. Yeah, like I'm falling for that

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm a masochist. There's nothing I love more than getting up at 3 in the morning for a cold shower. So I don't.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why can't our ears hear very high pitched sounds? Because it hertz.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sorry, I'm out of my mind at the moment, please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Just got my ticket to the Fibonacci convention! I hear this year is going to be as big as the last 2 put together.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Ninety two percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many of the phrases in English are palindromes? Not a ton

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the capital of Greece? About 5 euros.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3? Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A flat minor

  Tags: one-liners

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• What should happen to the person who invented Knock Knock jokes? They should get a No-Bell prize. :)

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the longest website domain name? smiles.com because there is a "mile" between the s's!

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Why do they say "be there or be square"? because if you are square, you are not around.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many D D players does it take to change a light bulb? All of them. Never split the party.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.

  Tags: sports

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• I just got this sick job at the Calendar factory. Unfortunately, I still can't get a date.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Eating too much cake is the deadly sin of gluttony. But not eating too much pie, because the sin of pi is always zero.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I asked a chef if he ever served a steak raw.. He said yeah but it’s rare.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why call someone when you can just decide where you and your friend want to meet by exchanging 76 text messages?

  Tags: one-liners

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• When I lose the TV controller, it's always hidden in some remote destination.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My boss told me, "You are the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I replied, "I don't know; it's hard to keep track".

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend text me 'what are you doing now?' I replied 'Probably failing my driving test'.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a shadow government ran by furries? The uwuminati

  Tags: one-liners

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• Officer, if you are what you eat... Then I'm an innocent man.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Rule #1 for learning english. Their our know rules!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I had to start hiding cereal in my clothes so that my siblings couldn’t eat all of it. I have Trix up my sleeve.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Why hasn't Peru adopted LED lights yet? Because they are proud of their incan descent.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The other day I had was in a heated debate about circles. It was a pointless argument.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I got a sunburn on the beach yesterday whilst reading about trigonometry. ...you should see my tan lines today

  Tags: one-liners

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• The eagle was a bird of many skills. One could say he was very talon-ted.

  Tags: one-liners

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• It turns out the answer to my problems wasn't at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• What do you call a sad coffee? A depresso

  Tags: one-liners

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• Money can't buy everything... but then again, neither can no money.

  Tags: one-liners

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• It's 10 pm, time to eat the fridge.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• My account got hacked. If you get a DM about meat from me, don't click on it. It's spam

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Call me geometry... Because when I become difficult, guys cheat on me.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• What’s Gollum‘s favourite horror movie? The Ring

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do shepherds never learn to count? Because if they did they would always be falling asleep.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, at-work

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• Q: What happens when you take a Packard Bell, Windows 95, a grenade and put them together?A: A typical upgrade.

  Tags: misc

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• I was laying in bed last night looking up at the stars in the sky when I thought to myself. Where the hell is my ceiling.

  Tags: one-liners

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• There's no "I" in "team" but there are 5 in "individual brilliance".

  Tags: one-liners

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• What’s the most British thing in the British museum? The name.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I think I have anxiety, but I don’t want to be diagnosed by a doctor. I’m worried if they tell me I don’t have it, I would’ve wasted their time.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I entered a my pet snail into a race and removed its shell thinking it would make it faster... Unfortunately, it only made it more sluggish.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a writer who doesn't follow the rules of sentence structure? A rebel without a clause

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the similarity between dark humor and food? Some people don't get it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why can’t you play basketball with a sovereign citizen? They are always traveling

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• What is a lacrosse players favorite type of car? A dodge!

  Tags: one-liners, animal, sports

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• You can't have everything, where would you put it?

  Tags: one-liners

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• A bank is a place that will lend you money. if you can prove that you don’t need it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 didn't have a removable battery and blew up in everybody's pocket

  Tags: one-liners

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• I am so single once I tried to change my Facebook status from single to relationship, captcha pops on my screen Facebook thought I may be a robot.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Scientists proved that cows don't give us meat and milk. We just take it from them!

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• The road to success is always under construction.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does a turtle call his aunt? Tort-tia

  Tags: one-liners

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• Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What type of pasta is best eaten on its own? Ravi-lonely.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I've never played the bagpipes but I have carried a screaming three-year-old toddler over my shoulder.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did Chuck Norris tell his father when he left for college? “You’re the man of the house now”

  Tags: one-liners

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• I made an outfit from asphalt. I'm going for the street look.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you sin 90 times you'll only be caught 45 times. Because Sin 90 = Cot 45

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call an Australian in space? An Austronaut

  Tags: one-liners

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• You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

  Tags: animal

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• No matter how bad your personal situation is - alcohol is never the answer. Alcohol is the question, and "yes" is the answer.

  Tags: one-liners

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• And the award for best neckwear goes to... huh, well would you look at that. It was a tie

  Tags: one-liners

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• Scientists finally found out, how much sleep humans exactly need: just five more minutes

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I don’t perfect Human Cloning I won’t be able to live with myself

  Tags: one-liners

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• If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is Metallica the safest band to listen to in an airport? Because they haven't set off a metal detector since 1989.

  Tags: one-liners, music, science

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• So far, Humpty Dumpty is having a terrible winter. Which sucks because he had a great fall

  Tags: one-liners

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• As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you know that it’s wrong to breed eels with eagles? It’s eel-eagle.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Lawyers really aren't so bad, it's just ninety-nine percent of lawyers that make the rest look bad.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• We can copy any document for you. We do not require the original.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Does anyone know how to avoid click bait? Apparently not.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about what happened to the really offensive joke about cows? [remooved]

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does a triangle call a circle? Pointless.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• My buddy gave me a terrible thesaurus. It was terrible.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no. Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Do you know how to avoid clickbait? Obviously not

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are badminton players so loud? Because they are always making a racket!

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Kids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

  Tags: misc

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• I want to go to IKEA, hide in a wardrobe, wait for someone to open it and yell "WELCOME TO NARNIA".

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did one candle say to the other? "Don't birthdays burn you up?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• It must be difficult to post inspirational Tweets when your blood type is B Negative.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wonder how many miles I've scrolled with my thumb.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do Java programmers need glasses? Because they can't C#.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you know they have Knight Rider in the GDR? It's a Trabant with a pocket calculator!

  Tags: misc

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• An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you milk sheep? With iPhone accessories.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now. New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have the memory of an elephant. I saw an elephant.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine's Day? "I'm stuck on you!"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the hand and the mitten get married? Because it was glove at first sight.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday, I beat the raining champion.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable? Because it's all heart.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The Russian Navy has announced that it's commissioning glass-bottom warships. ...so they can keep an eye on the Russian Air Force.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Dad puts the car in reverse, looks in the rearview mirror and says... "Ah, that takes me back."

  Tags: one-liners

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• I hate lying people, they're always in my way to the ocean.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How did Pinocchio discover he was made of wood? His hand caught on fire

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have given up on my stand up comedy routines. Everybody just keeps laughing at me.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• If your father is a poor man, it's your fate. But, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.

  Tags: one-liners

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• 6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8 ,9 but why did 7 eat 9? Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When I play rock, paper, scissors, people think I always choose scissors. They're wrong. I'm actually flashing a peace sign. Stop the violence.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: why did the man get fired from the Orange Juice factory? A: He wasn't concentrating.

  Tags: misc

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