Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• What did one German wheat farmer say to the other German wheat farmer? Gluten tag

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• I used to sit in front of the trombones in band. I would keep both my sheet music, as well as theirs, so I knew when to duck.

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• Why is it so easy to get a job as a percussion instructor? You just have to answer a few cymbal questions.

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• One bird can't make a pun. But toucan.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• You can't tell me what to do, you're not my dog.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

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• I went to an Art Gallery, it was $60 to enter and $80 to look at each picture. It was called Electronic Arts.

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• An actual headline: "Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers"

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• When people don't make sense, listen to music. It always does.

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• What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon? An Apocaclipse.

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• I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• I can't wait for Valentine's Day because I get to make cupcakes for a special someone and that special someone is me.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• The guy at my local music shop asked me why I'm always coming in to buy new harmonicas. I told him "I blow right through them"

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• I refused to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

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• What’s Sisyphus’ least favorite band? Rolling Stones

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt. I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

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• Why do people ask me if I'm "hiding", if I was hiding you wouldn't see me!

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• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

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• I gave my friend an elephant to put in his room. He said "thanks". I said "don't mention it".

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• I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.

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• Why was the horse so happy? Because he lived in a stable environment.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What do you call a man with 6,022 x 10^23 dollars? A Moleionaire

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• They say you should test your fire alarm once a month... But it's costing me a fortune in houses!

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• What’s Gollum‘s favourite horror movie? The Ring

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• "Mom, i'm in the hospital." "Jeremy, you have been a doctor for 8 years now please stop starting every phone conversation with that."

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• Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• How do you beat Dr. Doofenshmirtz in a sword fight? You parry the platypus

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• When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

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• I left my partner for a calculator. I needed someone I could count on

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• My boyfriend said he didn't have a date that same day I caught him eating one.

  Tags: one-liners, food, programming

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• I always prayed before my trigonometry tests.. I was hoping for a sine from above

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• If you ever drop a volcano rock on your foot You'll Krakatoa

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• If the opposite of pro is con, isn't the opposite of progress, congress?

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• What's the difference between jelly and jam? Santa doesn't jelly himself down the chimney on Christmas Eve.

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• Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.

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• They say you are what you eat... today I bought some ready to eat chicken and sure enough I was ready to eat chicken.

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• Did you hear about the guy who couldn't pay for his exorcism? He got repossessed.

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• Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

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• What’s Netflix’s biggest competitor? Sleep.

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• What do you call a broken can opener? A can't opener

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• Don't marry a singer. I married one and it was just "me, me, me" all the time.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you're forgetting.

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• Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

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• If you ask Vanilla Ice's mother about his childhood... she'll tell you that he was a nice, nice baby.

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• Watchmakers. Do you think watchmakers ever take a day off to unwind?

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• Sorry I didn't text you back, but my phone recognized your number.

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• Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

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• My daughter has a math test on Roman numerals. I told her I hope she gets a "C".

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Why did the Pepsi executive get fired? He tested positive for Coke.

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• The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five minutes more.

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• Where did Captain Hook buy his hook at? The second hand store.

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• I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday. I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

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• I'm getting a little tired of these people coming to my door telling me I need to be "saved" or "I'll burn"... Stupid firefighters.

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• I own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works. He used to chew on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.

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• I was raised as an only child. which really annoyed my sister

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• My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

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• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

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• Pokemon GO is a blatant ripoff of another popular app... called Tinder, where you also swipe to find monsters in your area.

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• Look, if crying doesn't solve the problem, then maybe I'm just not the person you should be asking.

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• Why do people become butchers? So they can meat people.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, food

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• RIP to my good friend Brian eaten by a pack of dyslexic zombies :(

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• I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop... I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors...

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• Why did the walrus become a plumber? Cause he loves a tight seal.

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• David Hasselhoff calls his Agent and demands, "I want everyone to call me The Hoff from now on." His Agent says, "Sure. No hassle."

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• Girls used to call me ugly until they found out how much money I make. Now they also call me poor.

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• Everyone can find one person or three cats waiting for him.

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• What's a pirate's favorite letter? Ye'd think it was R, but his first love be the C.

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• Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

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• A man phoned to find out whether he could get insurance if the nearby volcano erupted... They assured him he would be covered.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Why did the chicken lay the egg?Because everyone else was taken

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• Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete? She wanted to see the task manager.

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• Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion. I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.

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• Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

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• How do you get a philosophy student off your porch? Thank him for the pizza

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• I signed up for a gym membership this year. So far I've managed to lose £200.

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• My doctor said I need to cut back my sodium intake but I tend to take everything he says with a grain of salt.

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• I play in the low 80's. If it is hotter than that, I won't play.

  Tags: sports

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• What's the best place to shop for a soccer shirt? New Jersey!

  Tags: one-liners, money, sports

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• I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics... But graphing is where I draw the line!

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• It's so easy, it makes pie look hard.

  Tags: animal

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• I accidentally clicked on a "You've won an iPhone"-popup. Luckliy it was only a virus.

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• My survey which I conducted said that 8 out of 4 people don't understand fractions.

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• What's the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

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• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

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• Why don't cannibals eat Gospel singers? They keep throwing up their hands.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• I've never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

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• I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”. He said, “Try the ATM outside”

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• My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles' elbow.

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• What kind of music do they play at Stonehenge? Hard Rock.

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• Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish. The results speak for themselves.

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• Why did God create Adam before he created Eve? So no one would tell him how to make Adam.

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• If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U. Cause you’re blocking the TV

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• What is the best evidence that Microsoft has a monopoly? Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows.

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• Tried watching The Neverending Story, couldn't finish it.

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• The story was really great. That's why I was closing my eyes the whole time trying to imagine it.

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• It's pretty easy to fall in love with an Olympic Curler. They're used to sweeping people off their feet

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• Why can a 747 never crash? When it hits the ground it goes 'boeing'

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• Thieves broke into my shop and stole 15 cases of Red Bull. I don't know how these people sleep at night

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• I received a flyer on anger management the other day. I lost it.

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• What do ghosts serve for dessert? I Scream.

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• Just got back from a job interview, where I was asked if can perform under pressure. I said I wasn't too sure about that but I do a wicked Bohemian Rhapsody.

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• Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl. Then she noticed me so we went for a run.

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• Accidentally swiped my donor card instead of my debit card today... my groceries ended up costing me an arm and a leg

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• Why do the guards around Big Ben always look so tired? Because they're working around the clock.

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• As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

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• I heard a banana a day helps clean out the colon. I then found out you’re supposed to eat the banana.

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• Why was the tree excited about the future? It was ready to turn over a new leaf!

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• I was the knight no one expected to appear on battlefield, Sir Prise.

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• You know there's no official training for garbage men? They just pick it up as they go along.

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• What’s the key to a good mailman joke? The delivery.

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• The computer, the greatest invention in life even though it's bad for you.

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• The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.

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• I recently heard about a mannequin that lost all of his friends because he was so clothes minded!

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• When I found out that my toaster wasn't waterproof, I was shocked.

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• This vegan chick came up to me and started talking like she knew me. But I never met herbivore.

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• I know a mathematician who can't afford lunch. He can binomial.

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• We conducted an online survey. and found that out of the world's population, 0% of people are Amish.

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• If 666 is the evil number. Then 25.806975... is the root of all evil.

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• Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan? Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest.

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• eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 18,061 matches

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• I got fired from my job as a massage therapist. My boss said I rubbed people the wrong way.

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• You can't have everything, where would you put it?

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• You can't run through a camp ground. You can only ran, because it's past tents.

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• I can't believe that viruses and bacteria would just invade my body without a permission. That makes me sick

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• Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

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• What do they call shoes with wheels in Africa? SwaHeeleys.

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• Which popular action figure has a farm? GI GI Joe

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• There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I watched hockey before it was cool. They basically were swimming.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Got an A on my paper... Time to write the rest of it

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• Doctor's office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.

  Tags: one-liners, medical, programming

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• I'm at a McDonalds and their phone just rang. I have to assume whoever is making that call is a completely unstable human being.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Liquor probably won't fix your problems... but it's worth a shot.

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• My son got an F in his geography exam today. I sent him to his room but he ended up in the kitchen

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• My gf is like the square root of negative one hundred. She's a perfect ten but imaginary

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• I make money the old-fashioned way. My salary is the same as it was ten years ago.

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• What do you have to do to have a party in space? You have to Planet.

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• I got fired from my job at the cemetery yesterday... I made a grave mistake.

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• People always call me a walking dictionary. I thought they meant I was smart with a good vocabulary, but apparently I’m just thick.

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• Scientist keep finding broom sticks all over beaches. Due to sand-witches

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• What should happen to the person who invented Knock Knock jokes? They should get a No-Bell prize. :)

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• Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because it couldn't get a date.

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• Neil Armstrong used to tell really bad jokes about walking on the Moon. When nobody laughed he would follow with, "Ah well. I guess you had to be there."

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• I forgot the Roman numerals for 51, 6, and 500. I am LIVID.

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• Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.

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• Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• My neighbor is loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels

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• Teacher: You have the same mistakes as the person next to you, how could that happen? Me: We have the same teacher.

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• My neighbors listen to awesome music. whether they like it or not.

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• I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore. I think it's time for a new keyboard.

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• What ethnicity is Santa? North Poleish

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• A A A A K = biggest 4 of a kind.

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• Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

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• Thank goodness! Testimony from your parrot is not admissible in court.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What do you call a sad coffee? A depresso

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• Birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I got a pet newt, and I named him Tiny. Because he's my newt

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• Someone told me they didn't like calculus. I told them their opinion would change over time.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• My urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away. a whim away, a whim away, a whim away

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• A pencil and a scissors are having a debate. Everytime the pencil make a good point, the scissors get a little snippy.

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• Why don't criminals hang out in front of pubs? Because they usually end up behind bars.

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• Sergeant: “Smith! I didn’t see you at camouflage practice today!”. Private Smith: “Thank you, Sir!”

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• What did the pirate say when he turned 80? 'Aye matey"

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• This is why I don't tell Math jokes. The average maths joke is pretty mean

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• My favorite part of grocery shopping is rushing home to look at the shopping list on my counter to see what I forgot to buy.

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• I came into this world screaming and I still haven't stopped.

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• Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning. I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Doing yoga got me out of the habit of biting my fingernails. Now I bite my toenails.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Who tows the tow trucks when they break down?

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• I'm having an introvert party and you're all not invited.

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• What's a 6.9? A great thing ruined by a period.

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• I used to own a racing snail... It never won though. To improve its performance I removed its shell but, if anything, it made it more sluggish

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• I have a problem with commitment. Never mind that joke is lame anyway

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• Any time four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

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• Why don't we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Remember, it's not what you do... it's what you get away with.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• How does a Flat Earther travel the world? on a plane

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• Eating too much cake is the deadly sin of gluttony. But not eating too much pie, because the sin of pi is always zero.

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• I am amazing at managing my credit card. My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding

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• what do you call it when a swarm of insects goes to italy? a venice fly trip

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• I swear if I hear Uptown Funk one more time... I will smash my radio. Don't believe me? Just watch

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did princess peach begin to choke? Because Mario came down the wrong pipe

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns... Then you’re looking in Alderaan places

  Tags: one-liners

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• Had a conversation with a Miner about the effects it had on the environment. The conversation got rocky.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• I hugged someone once and they expected it every time they saw me. I'll never do that again.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said "WHERE"?

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• A pun loving old man forgot to order his tombstone before he passed away. This was a grave mistake

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why was Cinderella banned from playing sports? Because she always ran away from the ball.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? Sure, they're very scent-imental!

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• My bank has a new feature where they'll text you your bank balance. I think it's pretty cool. I just don't think they should end the text with "LOL", though.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Spoiler alert! The milk has been in the fridge for three weeks.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Global warming is a joke. Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do British nuclear engineers eat? Fission chips.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Not hiring someone because they have tattoos completely ignores the fact that they clearly have no issues with pain or commitment.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Think you know everything about the letter t? That's just the half of it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Actual bumper sticker on a jeep (the writing was upside down). "If you can read this, flip me over!"

  Tags: misc

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• I put a black hole in my living room. It's great. Really pulls the room together.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Subway is definitely the healthiest fast food available because they make you get out of the car.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Divorced Barbie doll.. Comes with all Ken's stuff.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My pal is addicted to brake fluid - but he says he can stop any time he wants.

  Tags: puns

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• i call myself terms and conditions. because y'all keep ignoring me

  Tags: one-liners

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• The hotel has a live band and my favourite song is "We're going for a break now, we'll be back later".

  Tags: one-liners

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• Poise: the ability to continue speaking fluently while the other fellow is picking up the cheque.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was arrested for drinking battery acid. But I wasn’t charged.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I bought my friend an elephant for their room. They said thank you. I said don't mention it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why does a milking stool only have three legs? Because the cow has the udder.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My laziness is like the number 8. Once it lies down, it becomes infinite.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the archaeologist find? He won't tell me but he said it's groundbreaking

  Tags: one-liners

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• To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you.. You have my Word.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I bet Egyptians were all like "Yo, nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do" and then came the internet.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Cop: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do? Miner: Mine.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I promise to miss you, will you go away?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? She will Let It Go!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Someone asked me what the 9th letter of the Alphabet was. It was a complete guess, but I was right.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've heard that Argentina is starting to get a little colder... In fact, it's bordering on Chile

  Tags: one-liners

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• [Dirty] Some more dirt was mysteriously added to my garden last night... The plot thickens

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was confident I could win the duel until my opponent swung his sword at my ankles. Alas, I was de-feeted.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I know that there are people who don't love their fellow man – I hate those people.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I had a scary math joke... But I'm 2^2 to say it

  Tags: one-liners

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• I changed my password to "incorrect", so anytime I forget and enter the wrong thing, the computer tells me what it is.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• If Satan lost his hair there would be hell toupé.

  Tags: one-liners

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• It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Normal people believe that "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Engineers believe that "If it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet"

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just want to live in a world where people come with on/off switches.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Why did the hipster drown? He went ice Skating before it was cool

  Tags: one-liners

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• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Electricity is dangerous. Shocking, ain't it?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Grandpa joke: What becomes shorter when you add 2 letters? Short

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is spiderman so good at comebacks? Because with great power comes great response ability.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I tried dating a cougar once. Turned out she was a cheetah.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I wonder why there are locks on the doors of Seven-Eleven when it says they are open 24/7.

  Tags: one-liners

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• At the interview they offered me a salary of $20,000 to work there. I told them to add two 0's at the end and they have a deal. Now I make $20,000.00

  Tags: one-liners

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• How did the chemist who failed the temperature test get? Absolute zero.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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