Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• What do you call a sad coffee? A depresso

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sometimes, to impress girls, I use big words that I don't fully understand in an effort to sound more photosynthesis.

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• What is the best power tool to love? A Sawzall. Because it will reciprocate.

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• I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues. The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

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• The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.

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• My mum bought me a book on procrastination at the start of high school. I haven't opened it yet.

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• My Czech mate is surprisingly bad at chess.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• What word is spelled wrong on every dictionary. Wrong

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• A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.

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• Your family tree must be a cactus ... Because everyone on it is a prick.

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• In Soviet Russia, you rob banks... in Capitalist America, banks rob you!

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Where does a fish deposit his checks? At the river bank

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• Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• What did 50 Cent say to his grandmother when she made him a pair of socks? Gee, you knit?

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• A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I failed my final exam on Greek mythology. It's always been my Achilles elbow

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• I'm getting a little tired of these people coming to my door telling me I need to be "saved" or "I'll burn"... Stupid firefighters.

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• What's the difference between tuna, a piano and glue? You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.

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• My dentist asked me the last time I flossed. I replied, "You remember.. You were there.."

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• My gf is like the square root of negative one hundred. She's a perfect ten but imaginary

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• When plumbers sleep do they have pipe dreams?

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Man I really hate calculus. It just derives me crazy

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Told a girl she looks better without her glasses on. She said I also look better without her glasses on.

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• SpongeBob may be the main character in the show... ..but Patrick is the star.

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• I wish conversations were like user agreements where I could skip to the end and just agree.

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• A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, “No, I’m traveling light.”

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• Scientists created a six-legged turkey for families who fight over the drumsticks. But the turkeys escaped, and no one can catch them.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.

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• How are dog catchers paid? By the pound!

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• Voldemort: So I just have to lie? Pinocchio: Yep

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• So I bought a miniature airbus and hung it on display in my living room, but nobody seems to notice it. It's a little plane.

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• What weighs less than the color blue? Light blue

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• How much did the butcher charge for his venison? A buck!

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, money

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• What's Whitney Houstons's favourite type of co-ordination? HAND-EEEEEYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEE

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• Why is call of duty infinite warfare set in space? Because nobody liked it on earth.

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• If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

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• I don't understand why people are celebrating pi day. It's irrational.

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• What's the derivative of Amazon? Amazon Prime

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• If they don't call the next Fast & Furious film "Fast10 Your Seatbelts" I'm going to be furious.

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• When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

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• From my 8 year old: what's the most comfortable car? A comfortible

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• For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday.

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• Remember, it's not what you do... it's what you get away with.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Bought a new jacket the other day and it burst into flames. Well, it was a blazer.

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• I need a new bank account. This one has run out of money.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

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• People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you can have a key made.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• What pronouns should you use with a chocolate bar? Her/she

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• For those of you wondering what it’s like to be married. I just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having.

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• When you try to prove to someone that something doesn't work, it will.

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• If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.

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• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

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• The only thing Flat-Earthers fear. Is sphere itself.

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• What do you call a monkey holding a fire cracker? A Baboom!

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• A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.

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• It may be illegal to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say? I'm a whisk taker

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• It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs... Because they always take things literally.

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• My daughter has a math test on Roman numerals. I told her I hope she gets a "C".

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• The computer, the greatest invention in life even though it's bad for you.

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• How do '90s kids count to 6? Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, cinco, seis.

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• Brazil is playing tomorrow and I'm betting that Neymar is ready to roll.

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• Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler...

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• Never make fun of an Italian baker. Or he'll kick the focaccia.

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• If there is an elephant in the room and nobody notices. is it irrelephant?

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• One day Canada will take over the world. Then we'll all be sorry.

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• Set your WiFi password to 2444666668888888. So when someone asks tell them it’s 12345678

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• I spy with my little eye nothing because I only have two normal-sized eyes.

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• My mouth has turned into a flower bed. It has tulips.

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• The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.

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• I have the memory of an elephant. I saw an elephant.

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• What kind of pants does a cave explorer wear? Stalac-tights

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• I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions. Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"

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• Once a bird pooped on me, so I threw it back.

  Tags: animal

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• My favorite rapper is 50 cent. Or as the British people now call him, 10,000 pounds.

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• Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button

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• A sports expert is the guy who writes the best alibis for being wrong.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• My friend really changed onced she decided to be a vegetarian. It's like I've never known herbivore

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• What's the most poular Christmas carol in the desert? Oh caaamel ye faithful.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe. After 10 minutes he asked me why I hadn't pulled over. I said we are still in Manchester.

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• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

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• I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

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• I have the best debts in the world! Every single one of them is Outstanding!

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• What is David Byrne’s social security number? 444-44-4444

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• The word 'function' should never function as a verb.

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• My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

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• I don't just like Australian cars. I'm beholden to them

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• I have an imaginary friend, but he keeps making fun of me. He keeps saying, “At least I have a real friend.”

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• I always knock on the fridge before I open it. Just in case there's a salad dressing.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• We just got a fax. At work. We didn't know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly... and as you can see, they were Wright.

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• Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little animal you have to keep alive is yourself.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, programming

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• Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle? It’s Eeleagle

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• I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".

  Tags: misc

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• Why is the south bad at calculus? They don't know how to integrate.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Someone told me they didn't like calculus. I told them their opinion would change over time.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• “How much to buy a singing ensemble!?” I asked the clerk. Puzzled, he questioned, "You mean a choir?" “Fine! How much to acquire a singing ensemble!?”

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• 9 out of 10 Americans are stupid... I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.

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• What is the one type of person that will never get angry? A nomad.

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• My life is just like Rihanna's new song. Work work work work work and the rest I can't really understand!

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• I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• What color is red? True or false?

  Tags: misc

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• Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

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• I went into a restaurant that served 'breakfast at any time'. So, I asked for French Toast in the time of the Renaissance

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• If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN... They become VERY ANGRY.

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• I have a horse named Mayo. Mayo neighs.

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• I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."

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• If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

  Tags: crazy-jokes

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• I think the most exciting thing about being an adult is never knowing what part of your body is going to hurt the next day

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• I like to hold hands at the movies... which always seems to startle strangers.

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• I knew a guy who was going to open a pastry shop. But he couldn't raise the dough.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What do you name a tricky pig? Cunningham

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• I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

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• What is an astronaut's favorite key on a keyboard? Space!

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• Liquor probably won't fix your problems... but it's worth a shot.

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• I need a new bicycle chain. Can anyone give me any links?

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• Haven't worn a bra in 4 days.... I love being a man

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• You could say a lot of bad things about Switzerland. But their flag is a big plus.

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• What's the difference between outlaws and in-laws ? Outlaws are wanted

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• How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?

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• When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

  Tags: crazy-jokes

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• What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My son is proof that anyone can be successful enough to drive a BMW or Mercedes. And besides, he looks so cute in his valet parking attendant uniform.

  Tags: misc

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• What do you call a movie with Sonic the Hedgehog, and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious

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• Why can a 747 never crash? When it hits the ground it goes 'boeing'

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• What do you call a pizza with just peppers on it? A pepperonly pizza!

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• How expensive is acoustic insulation ? Quiet expensive.

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• All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Courtesy of my 6yo daughter: What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth? A Flossiraptor

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• I’m in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn’t even know I exist. and worse... she can prove it.

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• I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Whenever i have a headache,i take two asprins and keep away the children,like the bottle says

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• I used to be in a band, we were called 'lost dog'. You probably saw our posters.

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• I used to a fan of evolution. But then I have evolved.

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• I should clean mirrors for a living. It's a profession I see myself in.

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• The last four letters in "queue" are not silent. They're just waiting their turn

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• The problem with being in the center of attention is that half of it is always behind your back.

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• Police just knocked on my door and said my dog is chasing a kid on his bike. What a liar, my dog doesn't even have a bike.

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• My calling in life went straight to voicemail.

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• What do you do if you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

  Tags: animal

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• What's Autocorrect's blood type? typo negative

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• Hey, girl. Are you a fire alarm. Because you're annoying and wont shut up

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• Why is Empire Strikes Back the best Star Wars movie? It's a perfect 5/7.

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• In my spare time I like to read, write, and fall in love with unavailable people.

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• 4 Norse god, 1 Roman god, and 2 astronomical bodies walk into a bar. The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"

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• Why is Jon Snow so ticklish? Aunts in his pants...

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• You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• The only thing worse than seeing something done wrong is seeing it done slowly.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I come from a family of failed magicians. I have 2 half sisters

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• What happens if you steel? You have to get Alloy-er

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• What was the barristas favourite part about being arrested? The mug shots.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Someone said you sounded like an owl. Who?

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• My house-mate is terrified of negative numbers. He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

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• Hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing whatever to do.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Hockey players are good at making new friends. They break the ice really quickly.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• What's a Jedi's favorite brand of vodka? Skyy. Only Sith deal in Absolut.

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• Teacher: "Which book has helped you the most in your life?" Student: "My father's check book!"

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• This girl said she would go out with me if I knew a six letter word that's a synonym for "calm". I said, "It's sedate."

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• What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year? A trophy.

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• I asked the toy store manager where's the Arnold Schwarzenegger doll. He said "Aisle B Back"

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• Why did Michael's grades drop after the holidays? Because everything was marked down!

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• What do the English do immediately after winning the FIFA World Cup? Turn off the Playstation.

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• Why was the cheetah so bad at hide and seek ? No matter where she hid, she was always spotted.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What do you get when you cross elephant DNA with Human DNA? A lifetime ban from the zoo.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Everyone has a photographic memory, some don't have film.

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• “Officer, how did the hackers manage to get away?”. “I have no idea. They just ransomware.”

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• what do you call a computer in the clouds? high tech

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• What's E.T. short for? So he can fit in his spaceship.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow -- even during a hurricane! -- here is a valuable tip: Your life is in trouble.

  Tags: sports

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• Dinosaur Fact. Towards the end of the Jurassic period, the Thesaurus was the first Dinosaur to become extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I put a black hole in my living room. It's great. Really pulls the room together.

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• You don't have to go faster than the bear, you just have to go faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I ended up in jail the other night and the guys across from me had glued themselves together... It was very confusing.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember. there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When you have two choices and you take one away, you have zero choices.

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• I received a call from the school telling me my son is constantly lying. I said "Tell him he's a good liar. I don't have a son."

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• My parents said that if I got a tattoo I'd have to get it in a place that didn't matter... So I got it in Appleton, Wisconsin.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I'm going home for the hollandaise.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Cashier: "How would you like to pay for this." Me: "Not at all."

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• The other day I held the door for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's blue and doesn't weigh much? Light blue

  Tags: one-liners

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• My dad asked me the other day: "Are you even listening to me?" Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just found out Canada isn’t real. Turns out it was all maple leaf.

  Tags: one-liners

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• So the iPhone 7 gets arrested... He puts on his earpods and smugly declares "sorry, you can't charge me while I'm using my headphones".

  Tags: one-liners

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• Today, my friend warned a pedestrian about a pothole. I guess that makes him a trip advisor.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When you have finished reading the dictionary? Every other book is just a remix.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My dad’s answer to everything is alcohol... He doesn’t drink, it’s just that he’s really bad at crossword puzzles...

  Tags: one-liners

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• I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday. I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

  Tags: one-liners

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• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I recently ran an ultra marathon in northern Sweden... I realised that I had gone way off course as soon as I crossed the Finnish line.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm the type of person who tries to fall back asleep in the morning, just to finish a dream.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A Serbian tennis player walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of Djok?"

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Used to have this drama teacher who always said “raising your hand was a waste of time”. He was hands down the weirdest teacher I’ve ever had.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do people in Beijing smoke so many cigarettes? To get a breath of filtered air.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where is happiness made? At the satisfactory.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Nerd joke. A photon walks up to an airline counter to buy a ticket and the clerk asks "any baggage to check?" The photon replies "No, I'm traveling light."

  Tags: one-liners

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• Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon. Neil before me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's a horrible icebreaker? The titanic

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Don't marry a singer. I married one and it was just "me, me, me" all the time.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• A three-legged poodle walked into a bar in the Wild West and said "Hey, I'm lookin for the guy who shot my paw!"

  Tags: misc

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• What did one German wheat farmer say to the other German wheat farmer? Gluten tag

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear of the man with the same first and last name? It was a Nguyen, Nguyen situation.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why didn't the Romans find algebra very difficult? Because X was always 10

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you Google "lost mediaeval servant boy" You get "This page cannot be found".

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• Villain : Why is my calendar wrapped in aluminium? Superhero : I’ve foiled your plan.

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• If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I'd compete in it later.

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• What is Samsung CEO's favorite movie? Total recall

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• Q: Did you hear about the man with a broken left arm and broken left leg? A: Don't worry he's "ALRIGHT" now!

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• Why did the Walrus cross the road? Just for the halibut.

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• Do Roman paramedics refer to an IV as a four?

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• Gotta give credit to spiders... They're the only web-developers out there that actually enjoy finding bugs.

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• How do you remember to put on deodorant every morning? I don't know but you probably shouldn't come near me

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• I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

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• Why do some couples not go to the gym? Some relationships don't work out...

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• Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.

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• Have you heard about the street performer who did his act in the middle of a hurricane? It was mime-blowing

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• There were three men at a bar. One of them ducked and the other two fell down because they hit the bar.

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• I wear two pairs of pants when I go golfing. People always ask me why I do. I say, "I wear two pants when's I golf just in case I get a hole-in-one.

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• My teacher always used to tell me that double negatives are a real no-no.

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• My friend says he has the body of a Greek god... I had to explain to him that Buddha wasn't Greek.

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• Haircuts are great. Because I did none of the work but get all the credit.

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• Alcohol is not always the answer but it’s worth a shot.

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• An Integer walks to a String and asks for its number. String replies, "Sorry, you're not my type."

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• When you're a kid, you don't realize you're also watching your mom and dad grow up.

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• my great grandmother got me a ps4 for christmas. my so-so grandmother got me socks

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• Just trying to give my kids a few childhood memories they don't have to repress...

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• Teacher: Why are you doing your multiplication on the floor? Student: You told me not to use tables.

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• What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has its claws at the end of its paws, and one is a pause at the end of a clause.

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• Children are the leading cause of old age.

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• I don't care how funny you are, if I don't like you, I won't laugh.

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