Who invented the circle? Sir Cumfrence
Tags: one-liners
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Who invented the circle? Sir Cumfrence
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water. Schwepped her off her feet.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkNinety two percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI'm kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer. Yeah, I gave 'em my too weak notice
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkFinland have just closed their borders.... Which means no one can cross the finish line.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA Sheep, a Drum, and a Snake fall off a cliff. Baa-Dumm-Tsss
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkEyelashes are supposed to prevent things from getting into your eyes but when I do have something in my eye it's always an eyelash. Eyeronic.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI had cardiac surgery in Cuba but the doctors weren’t that great. Half of my heart is in Havana
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI can hear music coming out of my printer... I think the papers jammin' again
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy daughter told me to treat her like a princess... so I made her marry a man she has never met before in order to secure an alliance with France.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink[Dirty] Some more dirt was mysteriously added to my garden last night... The plot thickens
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a werewolf that doesn't know he's a werewolf? An unawarewolf.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did the copper circle say as it rolled through town? "Cu around"
Tags: one-liners, science
PermalinkSometimes, when I'm cruising the city in a $200K vehicle, I lean back and think, "If the bus driver doesn't speed up I'll be late for work."
Tags: one-liners, at-work, money
PermalinkWhy is Yoda the worst copilot? "Yoda, are we still going the right way?" "Off course we are"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWho is a grain harvester's favorite musical artist? Hall'n Oates
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI failed my calculus exam because I was sitting between two identical twins. It was impossible to differentiate between them.
Tags: one-liners, math
PermalinkBy age 35 you should hate the last three albums by your favorite band.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI just hired a private investigator to find out what I do all day.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkI've calculated the name for the next Fast Furious movie... Fast 10: Your Seatbelts
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy friend says he has the body of a Greek god... I had to explain to him that Buddha wasn't Greek.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ: what did one lumber jack say to another lumber jack? A: "I need to axe you a question."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTea is like F5 to me, it's refreshing.
Tags: one-liners, food, programming
PermalinkHow do detained criminals contact their families? They face time
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTeacher: "What is the value of Pi?" Student: "Depending on what pie. Usually is $12.99."
Tags: one-liners, money
PermalinkHow many of the phrases in English are palindromes? Not a ton
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI saw some dude trick a vegan into eating real cheese. How dairy.
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkIf a kid asks where rain comes from, I tell him, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, I tell him, "Probably because of something you did."
Tags: misc
PermalinkMy favorite rapper is 50 cent. Or as the British people now call him, 10,000 pounds.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy don't Ewoks yell inside? Because they use their Endor voices!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy hasn't Africa ever won Olympic gold in basketball? Because Africa isn't a country.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI've just been fired from the clock making factory. after all those extra hours I put in.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkPSA: Please don't call them dwarves... It's not the proper gnomenclature.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThis power washer says you're supposed to wear safety goggles when you use it. I can't see why.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink___________________________________. With all the bad jokes going around, I had to draw the line somewhere.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWho doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
Tags: one-liners, animal, food
PermalinkHow do you make a small fortune from investing in Bitcoin? Start off by investing a large fortune in Bitcoin.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI'm sure there's a supplement I could take or another easy solution to cure my laziness. Someone look into it for me.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkLaziness Level: I get jealous when it's bedtime in other countries
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI would tell you a joke about my shoe but I think I shoedn't.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer may shock you.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI would tell a swimming joke, but I think it's too watered-down to be funny.
Tags: one-liners, sports
PermalinkI saw two kids damaging my front lawn with a network device. So I modem down.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI applied for a job hanging mirrors. It's something I can see myself doing.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkWhat’s the key to a good mailman joke? The delivery.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy did I quit my job in Mexico? It didn't peso well.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a bear that has been to Antarctica and the North Pole? A bipolar bear
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn't have internet.
Tags: one-liners, programming
PermalinkA plateau. Is the highest form of flattery.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat does "reading comprehension" even mean?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI know someone who faked his degree in botany. He wrote his thesis on artificial Christmas trees.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSo I saw that the new dinosaur in Jurassic Park is a hybrid. Guess that makes it Priustoric
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI got fired from my job as a massage therapist. My boss said I rubbed people the wrong way.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy father was a kamikaze pilot in his youth. Not a very successful one, obviously.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the pan? You take away its broom.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, "What if these two socks don't even like each other?"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkYou may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy does Waldo wear stripes? He doesn't want to be spotted
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy friend just gave me a presentation on why I should invest in his sword making business. He made some excellent points.
Tags: one-liners
Permalinkwhat do you call it when a swarm of insects goes to italy? a venice fly trip
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing whatever to do.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkIf every day is a gift, I'd like a receipt for Monday. I want to exchange it for another Friday.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkI failed my chemistry lab exam. I was in the middle of performing a chemical reaction but I got sued by the Fine Bros.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI'm single by choice. Unfortunately, it's not my choice.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.
Tags: one-liners, medical
PermalinkLaugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkLet me make this simple, I want to be invited but I don't want to go.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf I had 50c every time I failed a maths test... I'd have $6.30 right now
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI made a mistake at the grocery store. I went to get 6 Sprites. Accidentally picked 7up
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI was hooked on auctions after only going once... going twice.
Tags: one-liners, money
PermalinkI don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDid you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkJunk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often. Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI didn't like my haircut at first. But it's growing on me.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf the entire world was a stage and God was the director, what we need is a rehearsal.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop... I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors...
Tags: one-liners
Permalink"Fortnite" is a terrible name for a game. It's too weak.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSimba was moving too slowly. So i told him to Mufasa
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they.... lactose.....
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkIt's not often that one gets the opportunity to speak about someone intelligent, respected and admired. Unfortunately tonight I have to talk about (NAME).
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI have the talent of doing math with any blade. Mostly long division.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI can't play loud music on any instrument. It's just not my forte.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI wasn't sure that Netflix would ever find success producing their own content. Then again... Stranger Things have happened.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do you comfort an English teacher? There, their, they're.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSee no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do British nuclear engineers eat? Fission chips.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI put a black hole in my living room. It's great. Really pulls the room together.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? Because it might crack up!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI have only seen people underwhelmed or overwhelmed, never whelmed properly...
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkLast Father's Day my son gave me something I always wanted: the keys to my car.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do you tickle a rich girl? Say “Gucci Gucci Gucci!”
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThere are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkWhat's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom. A pick pocket snatches watches.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat’s the difference between swine flu and bird flu? Swine Flu requires oinkment and Bird Flu requires Tweetment
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy do people litter? Because they dont take the litter signs litterally.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWife: When we were younger you used to nibble on my ear. (The husband starts leaving the room. )Wife: Where are you going?Husband: To get my teeth!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb? Why does it have to be a group activity?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA man escaped from a bear only with a bow in hand. But his friend who got an arrow in the knee was not as lucky.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy life is just like Rihanna's new song. Work work work work work and the rest I can't really understand!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy does France have so many rivers? Water follows the path of least resistance.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.
Tags: one-liners, programming
PermalinkWhich branch of the United States military is the most patriotic? The Air Force; they're US AF
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat is Dracula's favorite fruit? A nectarine.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI received an email from Google. It said, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards " I thought, "That's just spam."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD. and found out I have Gary Busey
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf the speed of light is 186,000 miles/sec., what's the speed of darkness?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkYesterday I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full" I thought, "I can't turn that down"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI didn't think my doctor could fix my bowed legs. I stand corrected.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow expensive is acoustic insulation ? Quiet expensive.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy didn't the elephant buy a suitcase for his summer vacation? Because he already had a trunk!
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkEven if it wasn't cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkIn golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers. They shoot a six, yell fore, and write five.
Tags: sports
PermalinkDoctor: “Sir, I have some bad news, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”. Me: “and?”
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat’s a fireplace’s best feature? Dat ash.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow can you tell if an arrow is nervous? See if it quivers.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI wanted to be an astronaut but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA lion and a cheetah had a race. The lion said you are a "cheetah" and the cheetah said you are "lion."
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkInstead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in... It’s currently half empty...
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWas late to my first Fight Club last night? So missed the intro rules. Still Fight Club was brilliant and I'd highly recommend Fight Club.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe pub is ten minutes from my house... However, my house is two hours from the pub...
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy can't Harry Potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend? Because they're both cauldron
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkPeople said I'd never get over my obsession with Phil Collins. But take a look at me now.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI made an outfit from asphalt. I'm going for the street look.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA pencil and a scissors are having a debate. Everytime the pencil make a good point, the scissors get a little snippy.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.
Tags: tech
PermalinkI don't understand why people are celebrating pi day. It's irrational.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkPeople who write "u" instead of "you". What do you do with all the time you save?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a shrimp that gets run over by a car? Road Krill
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA king has 3 cups in front of him. The first 2 cups are full, the third cup is empty. What is the King's name? King Philip III
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did the verb say when the words have, has, and had were removed from the English language? "Nobody's perfect!"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI'm a nobody and nobody is perfect - therefore, I am perfect.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI know a lot of jokes about unemployed people. But none of them work
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhen I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
Tags: one-liners, medical
PermalinkHer: "Do you like cats?" Me flipping menu: "What page are you on?"
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkWhat is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond? The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.
Tags: one-liners, music
PermalinkAn Apple store got robbed last night and $250,000 worth of equipment was stolen. Police are confident they can recover both the stolen machines.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI had a dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like 0mg
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn. He orders a bear.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow many "sup dude"s does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, it's already lit fam.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf good things come in small packages, then more good things can come in large packages.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do you sneak up on celery? You stalk it.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkFriend: "I don't want to bore you with my problems." Me: "Awesome, thank you."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHey, are you -273.15°C? Yeah, I'm 0K thanks.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTo write with a broken pencil is pointless.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat would two termites order at a restaurant? Table for 2
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did the explorer say when he spotted Antarctica? I see land.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did Zelda tell Link when he couldn't open the door? TRIFORCE!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDaddy, what are clouds made of? Linux servers, mostly.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkRetirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money.
Tags: one-liners, money
PermalinkWho is married to Antarctica? Uncle-Arctica
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing? and delivery
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA man lost his luggage so he took the airline company to court. Apparently he lost his case
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy uncle is very superstitious. He won't work any week that has a Friday in it.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI make money the old-fashioned way. My salary is the same as it was ten years ago.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkPeople use to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian" Well nobody is laughing now.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you get when you drop the croissant your aunt made.. A cross aunt
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMan I really hate calculus. It just derives me crazy
Tags: one-liners, math
PermalinkWhen there are no volunteers, they get appointed.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkWhy can't you give Elsa a balloon? She will Let It Go!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow many PETA members does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They can't change anything.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy doesn't the Grinch like knock knock jokes? Because there's always Whos there!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAlways remember that you are unique, just like everybody else!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhen I noticed "HI" in the alphabet I thought I had made a new friend? But then I saw the next two letters.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSomeone says to his friend: "I bought a cat" And the other: "You have to be kitten me!"
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkHow many Avatar characters does it take to change a lightbulb? None. It will change when the fire nation attacks
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a wandering caveman? A Meanderthal.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy account got hacked. If you get a DM about meat from me, don't click on it. It's spam
Tags: one-liners, money
PermalinkWhat do you call a movie with Sonic the Hedgehog, and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkPeople say smoking will give you diseases. What they don't know is that it cures salmon.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIncorrectly is the only word that when spelled right, is still spelled incorrectly.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAs a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTo understand recursion, you must first understand recursion.
Tags: tech, one-liner
PermalinkCongratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode – really...
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI work for the world's largest nanotechnology company. We're not very good.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat is Mr. T's favorite month? April, fools
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy does Karl Marx hate earl grey? Because all proper tea is theft.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkBefore I buy a leaf blower I want to make sure I understand the rules. We just blow the leaves at each other's houses, right?
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkA wise man once said... Nothing, he only listened.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music? They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.
Tags: one-liners, music
PermalinkKim Jung Un loves to read books, what does that make him? A glorious reader.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIt is illegal to stick coins in your ears in the state of Hawaii.
Tags: misc
PermalinkMarriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did the paper say to the pencil? You've got a good point!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkI have an 18-year-old; her name is Alexis. I chose that name because if I hadn't had her, I'd be driving one.
Tags: children
PermalinkWhat's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI know how to make a small fortune from gambling. start with a large fortune
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy did the tree install solar panels? It wanted to be a power plant.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSometime in the future, Canada will rule the earth. And then you’ll all be sorry.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI have a hemp welcome mat. Some view it as a gateway rug.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did the chicken say when it got to the library? "Book book book book book book book..."
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkTiming has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI'm here for whatever you need me to do from the couch.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkA fortune teller escaped from prison and became a small medium at large.
Tags: puns
PermalinkDon't tell me I don't know the difference between right & wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf i got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I'd have $ 6.30 now
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI was nervous about meeting new people on a cruise until I realised, we are all in the same boat.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAmericans may be ignorant of other cultures... But at least we invented the hamburger
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI've never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkWhat do you get when you cross elephant DNA with Human DNA? A lifetime ban from the zoo.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkHow does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday? It's already run out of battery.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy is lettuce the most loving vegetable? Because it's all heart.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhen does a joke become a Dad Joke? When it leaves you and doesn't come back.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThere is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkThe story was really great. That's why I was closing my eyes the whole time trying to imagine it.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat? Banned from the zoo.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkCalculus has a steep learning curve... But at least you know exactly how steep the learning curve is!
Tags: one-liners, math
PermalinkHow come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat is an astronaut's favorite key on a keyboard? Space!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy friends keep telling me to stop impersonating butter. But I can't. I'm on a roll now
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI went on a job interview, Interviewer asks, Do you have any experience? Me: Yes, of course, "This is my 20th interview"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkGot a new roommate. She cleans my room, I clean hers. We are maid for each other.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf I've learned anything in life, it's that not enough people are at a loss for words.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a mountain where people never sleep? Mt Neverest.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI could make jokes about bears, but they are unbearable.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkThe lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you're not will lead to a sweet reward.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI don't care how old I am, I will see Finding Dory.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat if there were no hypothetical questions?Why does the word 'monosyllabic' have so many syllables?
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy don't salmon watch cable television? They prefer streams.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI recently submitted my resume to Sony. But they canceled the interview
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through (spoilers) Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said "Can I have a word?"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhere does a fish go to borrow money? The loan shark!
Tags: one-liners, animal, money
PermalinkShe left him because he had a will of his own. And it wasn't made out to her!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSomebody actually complimented me on my parking today. They left a note on the windscreen. It said, "Parking fine", so that was nice.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe skeleton walked into the bar and asked, "Can I have a beer and a mop?"
Tags: bar
PermalinkGive me ambiguity or give me something else.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkGolfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven; you've already moved most of the earth."
Tags: one-liners, sports
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