Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• If I tell you I'm thinking about you, don't get too excited, because I'm also thinking about nachos.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Why are Fathers like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where do ghosts deposit their mail? The Ghost Office!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't just like Australian cars. I'm beholden to them

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the Internet was a thing. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters, and they didn't know either

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about the athlete who wore two jackets when she painted the house? The instructions on the can said: "Put on two coats."

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow -- even during a hurricane! -- here is a valuable tip: Your life is in trouble.

  Tags: sports

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• With my luck I'll probably be reincarnated as me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Parking a single car doesn’t require much space. But parking 200 cars, now that requires a lot.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother. It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's your best non swearing insult? I hope you step on a lego.

  Tags: one-liners

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• GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. We should split up. ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I like hippos 'cause they're fat and don't care what other hippos think.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Signwriters have their work cut out, don't they?

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.

  Tags: one-liners

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• There are a few criminals in my town that keep stealing wheels from parked police cars. The cops are working tirelessly to catch the suspects.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Incorrectly is the only word that when spelled right, is still spelled incorrectly.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Team has no "I" in it, but it does have a "M" and "E" in it, making "me".

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many Tenors does it take to screw in a Lightbulb? Trick Question. They only think they can reach that high.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The Nintendo 64 turned 18 today. Now you can legally blow the cartridges.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why would the military use acid? To neutralize the enemy base.

  Tags: one-liners

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• One eye says to the other eye, "Between you and me, something smells."

  Tags: misc

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• Humor can be dissected, as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

  Tags: one-liners

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• After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing... Probably because it's a Dell

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did KGB officers always travel in threes? One who could read, one who could write, and the third to watch over those two dangerous intellectuals.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My computer is so old, it has a VHS slot instead of a CD/DVD slot!!!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I could be a morning person. If morning started around noon.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Do you know who created fractions? I think it was Henry the 1/8.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar..... The bartender says " Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I threw a ball for my dog... It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Which country has the fastest growing capitol? Ireland. It's Dublin every year.

  Tags: one-liners

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• We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there. Yesterday for example I took a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was "Michael".

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Did you hear about the pessimist who hates sausage? They say he fears the wurst

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Why did the Walrus cross the road? Just for the halibut.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Daddy, what are clouds made of? Linux servers, mostly.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why don't salmon watch cable television? They prefer streams.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I asked the toy store manager where's the Arnold Schwarzenegger doll. He said "Aisle B Back"

  Tags: one-liners

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• 99 little bugs in the code... 99 bugs in the code. Fix one bug, compile it down. 167 little bugs in the code....sigh.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Happy birthday, Bono. I wanted to get you the perfect present, but I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM. Confused, I asked him what he was doing... He said: “Just checking my balance.”

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't always listen to heavy metal, but when I do so do the neighbors.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The only person in our town who can afford to go on a jaguar is a zoo-keeper.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call recycled calculus jokes? Derivative humor.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• I threw a boomerang 6 years ago and it never came back... Now I live in constant fear.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I can sympathize with batteries. I never get included in anything either.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I can't count how many times I failed maths at school.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you refer to someone who got over their anxiety? Past tense

  Tags: one-liners

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• why does sour cream have an expiry date?

  Tags: deep-thoughts

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• What's the best thing to put into a pie? Your teeth!

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• My calculator broke again, but I'm not surprised. In fact, I was counting on it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have a hemp welcome mat. Some view it as a gateway rug.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My calling in life went straight to voicemail.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What happened after the wheel was invented? a revolution

  Tags: one-liners

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• The word 'nothing' is a palindrome. 'Nothing' reversed is 'Gnihton' which also means nothing

  Tags: one-liners

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• I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing my down. My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it

  Tags: one-liners

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• Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend told me that I don't understand the meaning of irony which was ironic because we were at a train station

  Tags: one-liners

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• The king of precipitation doesn't visit Earth very often. He reigns from above.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How did Harry Potter make it to the bottom of the hill? By walking... jk rolling

  Tags: one-liners

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• The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of bread.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys, I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If the speed of light is 186,000 miles/sec., what's the speed of darkness?

  Tags: one-liners

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• If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A straight face and a sincere-sounding "Huh?" have gotten me out of more trouble than I can remember.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How much room is needed for fungi to grow? As mushroom as possible.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Smart people don't call themselves smart - me included.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was raised as an only child. which really annoyed my sister

  Tags: one-liners

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• What goes up and never comes down? Your age!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I tried to explain what integers are. It was pointless

  Tags: one-liners

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• Needed: people with a lot of self control. for working at a bubble wrap factory.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When one door closes... An incognito window opens.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was at a climbing center the other day, but someone had stolen all the grips from the wall; honestly, you couldn't make it up.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love but I also have a cat to remind me that I don't deserve it. It's all about balance.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What do you call it when Oxygen and Nitrogen train at the gym together? Air conditioning

  Tags: one-liners

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• If at first you don't succeed ... avoid skydiving.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a shadow government ran by furries? The uwuminati

  Tags: one-liners

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• My dad never really loved me as a child. I can't really blame him though ; I wasn't born until he was an adult.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? She will Let It Go!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth? The Crimea River.

  Tags: one-liners

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• And then there was the glass-blower who got hiccups and made 764 marbles.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just watched A Christmas Carol with Patrick Stewart. What he’s doing round my house I don’t know.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the difference between Astrology and Astronomy? About 50 IQ points.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I told him, "My door is always open".

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• How do you comfort a grieving sushi chef? Wasabi for your loss.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven; you've already moved most of the earth."

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• I took my new car back to the dealers, complaining it only did left turns - "drive in the opposite direction then" he said.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When is a retiree's bedtime? Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If mummies are from egypt, then where are daddies from?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two buzzards were eating a dead clown. One said to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

  Tags: puns

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• My bank has a new feature where they'll text you your bank balance. I think it's pretty cool. I just don't think they should end the text with "LOL", though.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Playing with a toddler is half play and half self-defense.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself? With a hare dryer!

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I'm so introverted I won't even talk to myself.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Teacher: "I asked you to draw a cow and grass, but I only see a cow. Where is grass?" Student: "The cow ate the grass, sir."

  Tags: one-liners, animal, food

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• The government has recently issued a statement saying that 18.9 percent of all statistics are false.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic? You take the pizza delivery sign off

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why should you wary of stairs? Because they are always up to something.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What’s the most British thing in the British museum? The name.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the Egyptians build the pyramids? To get to the other side.

  Tags: one-liners

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• It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers. They shoot a six, yell fore, and write five.

  Tags: sports

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• If you don't like my driving, stay out of the bus shelters!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Engineers have successfully made a car that can run on parsley. They are now attempting to make trains that can run on thyme...

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? I'm bacon!

  Tags: one-liners, animal, food

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• I hate reality. But where else can you get a good steak dinner?

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• What do they call shoes with wheels in Africa? SwaHeeleys.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What happened to the egg when he was tickled too much? He cracked up.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What Sound does an Australian Frog make? Croakey

  Tags: one-liners

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• The furniture store keeps calling me back..... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When I visited Australia, the immigration officer asked me if I had a criminal record... Confused, I replied, “Oh, is that still required?”

  Tags: one-liners

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• This sums up the 90s. 90+91+92+93+94+95+96+97+98+99 = 945

  Tags: one-liners

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• Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble but... shouldn't that be an even number?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a hockey player who questions their bad life choices? Wayne Regretsky

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Courtesy of my seven year-old son: What do cows call their clothes? Moo

  Tags: one-liners

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• My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my tv.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I once dated a mime. I hope I left her with a good impression.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sometimes when people are sad, I let them color in my tattoos. Sometimes people just need a shoulder to crayon.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sometimes, to impress girls, I use big words that I don't fully understand in an effort to sound more photosynthesis.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Dating is a lot like fishing. Sure, there's plenty of fish in the sea. But until i catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for.... Times new ramen!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Money can't buy everything... but then again, neither can no money.

  Tags: one-liners

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• At what frequency does laughter become painful. 1 gigglehurts

  Tags: one-liners

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• How are snakes dangerous? They can’t even walk

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why was Anakin Skywalker rejected for a credit card? Because he applied for a MasterCard.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend says he has the body of a Greek god... I had to explain to him that Buddha wasn't Greek.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My grandpa always says, “When one door closes, another opens.”. He was a good man, but a lousy cabinet maker.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If atheism was a business, what kind of business would it be? A Non-Prophet organization.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Don't you just love whiteboards? They're remarkable.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you spell candy with two letters? C and Y

  Tags: one-liners

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• Joke I made up: Caveman and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says "what's your story?" Caveman says... Bear with me...

  Tags: one-liners

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• My doctors office has two doctors on call at all times. Is that considered a pair a docs.

  Tags: one-liners, medical

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• I used to be scared of pretty girls, So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is leather armor best for sneaking? It's literally made of hide.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I think you press "0" to be connected with customer service because that's the amount of help they give you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex? My ex.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a frog stuck in mud? Unhoppy.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Did you hear about the tree that made an Ash of itself?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s

  Tags: one-liners

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• I married a European chess master. He's my Czech mate.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I called up GameStop customer support. They told me to hold.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the most influential culture in the world? Agriculture.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.

  Tags: misc

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• I asked my friend in Greenland, what it's like living there. He told me it's so great, he's on top of the World.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Would a fly that loses its wings be called a walk?

  Tags: misc

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• What type of exam does the vampire teacher give his students? A blood test.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I won $900,000,000, I'd give a quarter of it to charity not sure what I'd do with the other $899,999,999.75 though.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?

  Tags: heaven-and-hell

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• Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime. It's just another day at the United States Bureau of Engraving and Printing.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?" "Yes, we arson."

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the main use for leather in the world? Holding cows together

  Tags: one-liners

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• What was Forrest Gump's email password? 1forrest1

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was setting a voice recognition password for my new phone and a nearby dog barked and ran away. Now I am still looking for the dog to unlock my phone.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, programming

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• I've been told I'm condescending. (that means I talk down to people)

  Tags: one-liners

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• My daughters boyfriend still doesn't know how to tie his shoes... Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing.

  Tags: one-liners

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• It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown - and fewer still to ignore someone completely.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a stallion raised by a reclusive author on whole grain wheat? A Thoreau-bred thoroughbred fed thorough bread.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia. She whispers, "They're right behind you!"

  Tags: one-liners

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• My parents never let me listen to classical or jazz music growing up. Too much sax and violins.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo... We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why does a milking stool only have three legs? Because the cow has the udder.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have a great joke about social anxiety. Who am I kidding? You'll hate it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What cheat code do you use to get into the Army? Left, left, left, right, left

  Tags: one-liners

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• Had a conversation with a Miner about the effects it had on the environment. The conversation got rocky.

  Tags: one-liners

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• 6:30 is the best time on a clock hands down.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I let my kids follow their dreams, unless I already paid the registration fee on their last dream, then they follow that for 6-8 more weeks.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code. He refused to comment

  Tags: one-liners

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• I left my adderall in my Ford Fiesta. Now it's a Ford Focus.

  Tags: one-liners

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• 5-year plan? I haven't even planned this sentence volcano.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm really pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I've got eight fridges.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was laying in bed last night looking up at the stars in the sky when I thought to myself. Where the hell is my ceiling.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many Microsoft executives does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They just redefine 'darkness' as an industry standard.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What kind of fish is made of only two sodium atoms? 2Na

  Tags: one-liners

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• I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the Star Wars fan ask to the car dealer? "Can I buy the Rogue one please?"

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• What's a pirate's favorite letter? Ye'd think it was R, but his first love be the C.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th... Because I know how to reduce fractions unlike the rest of you morons.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week. My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the difference between USA and USB? One has standards

  Tags: one-liners

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• I received a flyer on anger management the other day. I lost it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, "Well, this changes everything"

  Tags: one-liners

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• My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together. At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg. The Gregorian calendar

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don’t like the word xenophobia. It sounds so foreign.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The can was invented quite a while before the can opener.

  Tags: misc

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• No one is listening to you until you make a mistake.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Back when I played hockey, they used to call me "the Titanic." I looked pretty good until I hit the ice.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• I start every conversation with my employees by saying, "I shouldn't be telling you this" just so I know they will listen.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Voldemort: So I just have to lie? Pinocchio: Yep

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have one of those unlimited cell phone plans. There's no limit to how much they can charge me.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• I have a map of the world... its actual size.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call it when Arnold Schwarzenegger remembers the lyrics to Africa? Toto recall

  Tags: one-liners

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• My dentist removed the wrong tooth. It was accidental.

  Tags: one-liners

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• We all know where the Big Apple is... But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?

  Tags: one-liners

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• A friend told me that all apples were yellow... I was like, "that's bananas"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Crocodiles can grow up to 20 feet. but most have just four.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I dreamed I drowned in an ocean made of orange soda. When I woke I realized it was just a Fanta sea.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a toxic work environment? A staff infection

  Tags: one-liners

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• Met a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home. I guess he's homeless.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "Persian sonic, why are you tired?" "Iran."

  Tags: one-liners

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• What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year? A trophy.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call the single grain of corn on the tree? Acorn

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you know that it’s wrong to breed eels with eagles? It’s eel-eagle.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does a programmer wear? Whatever is in the dress code.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I need to stop drinking so much milk. It's an udder disgrace.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Why couldn't the candle get any sleep? Because there's no rest for the wicked.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A person who speaks two languages is bilingual and one who speaks three, is trilingual. What do you call a person who speaks only one language? American

  Tags: one-liners

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• I recently quit my job at the orange juice factory...... I just couldn’t concentrate.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do psychics ask so many questions when they supposedly already know the answers?

  Tags: one-liners

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• It's okay Microsoft Excel even my love life is not responding.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea" Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

  Tags: one-liners

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• My Valentine is like the square root of -100... A 10, but imaginary

  Tags: one-liners

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• I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

  Tags: one-liners

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• What pronouns should you use with a chocolate bar? Her/she

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two criminals stole a calendar. They got six months each

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm in shape. Round is a shape isn't it

  Tags: one-liners

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• I went to an Art Gallery, it was $60 to enter and $80 to look at each picture. It was called Electronic Arts.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two tired.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister in Sweden. He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I put all my watches together to make a belt. It was a waist of time

  Tags: one-liners

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• TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.

  Tags: one-liners

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