If you sin 90 times you'll only be caught 45 times. Because Sin 90 = Cot 45
Tags: one-liners
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If you sin 90 times you'll only be caught 45 times. Because Sin 90 = Cot 45
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy can't a Samsung be disguised as an iPhone? Because eventually, its cover would be blown.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkFor all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI'm good at multitasking and procrastinating, which means right now there are at least 28 things that I'm putting off until later.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do you drown a hipster? Throw them into the mainstream.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI mostly just scroll through Instagram as a reminder of what brands I said out loud yesterday.
Tags: one-liners, programming
PermalinkWhere does the Easter Bunny go to eat pancakes? To IHOP, of course!
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkI was putting atoms together for chemistry. Until I put magnesium and oxygen together. OMg
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkLife is full of uncertainties...or could I be wrong about that?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat underwear does clouds wear? Thunderwear!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkGoing for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M's because let's be honest here.
Tags: one-liners, food, sports
PermalinkAn optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI was offered a job building Egyptian tombs. Turned out to be a pyramid scheme
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIt's funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkWhy were all the computers in the company frozen? Because they let IT go
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI got a prison tattoo of mitochondria. Now I truly am the powerhouse of the cell
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy do they say "be there or be square"? because if you are square, you are not around.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkPeople keep telling me to become a stand-up comedian and I'm like "Ugh, standing."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy dad has always told me that putting in a little effort and dedication on the job never hurt anyone. Then again, he never heard of worker's comp.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIsn't it fascinating how feet smell and noses run?
Tags: misc
PermalinkThe invention of the spoon was an important point in human history. It caused...quite a stir.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTo the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero... Thanks for nothing.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI would like to put on record my appreciation for the guys who play the triangle in orchestras. Thanks for every ting.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone's favorite season? Fall.
Tags: one-liners, money
PermalinkWhat do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.
Tags: one-liners, money
PermalinkMy dad’s answer to everything is alcohol... He doesn’t drink, it’s just that he’s really bad at crossword puzzles...
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal. China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI broke one of my fingers at work today. On the other hand, everything is OK.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy did the librarian get kicked off the plane? Because it was overbooked.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkThis idiot on the treadmill at the gym. Just put a water bottle in the Pringles holder.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3? Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhen I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin. Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkWhat do you call sunscreen in Ireland? Pubs
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do computers eat for a snack? Microchips!
Tags: one-liners, food, programming
PermalinkWhy does sour cream have an Expiration date?
Tags: misc
PermalinkDid you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters? He cleaned out every crook and nanny.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a Filipino contortionist? A manila folder!!!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI almost got busted for shoplifting candy today... But I got out of it. I've got a couple of twix up my sleeve.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI have an inferiority complex..... It's not a very good one, though.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkEveryone has a friend who laughs funnier than he jokes.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIn a place without geometry life is pointless.
Tags: one-liners, math
PermalinkWhat do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe? Kilometery Cyrus
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf there is an elephant in the room and nobody notices. is it irrelephant?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHey! Football team! Get off the band field!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call security guards at a Samsung store? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy are 490 Romans funny? Because XD
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's the correct way to pronounce nihilism? Doesn't matter.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDates a zombie: so someone finally likes me for my brain.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkToday i have met the vegetarian brother of Bruce Lee. Brocco Lee
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI had coffee with Red Bull this morning... After about 10 minutes on the highway, I realized I left my car at home.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSubway is definitely the healthiest fast food available because they make you get out of the car.
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkWhen life hands you melons... You might be dyslexic.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhen you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy are there no cats on Mars? Curiosity.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI know that there are people who don't love their fellow man – I hate those people.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
Tags: children
PermalinkI used to be in a band, we were called 'lost dog'. You probably saw our posters.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do you make a water bed more bouncy? You use spring water.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI would tell you a joke about my shoe but I think I shoedn't.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI keep getting hit by the same bike, at the same time and place, day after day... It's a vicious cycle.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy did the Easter egg hide? Because he was a little chicken!
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkI'd pat my own back but my ego is too busy shaking my hand.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkHow do you make a racing snail faster? I tried taking his shell off but it only made him more sluggish.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy uneducated neigbor was planning to grow a flowerbed in his backyard. But then he realised he can't plant flowers as he hadn't botany
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI hear some rich guy wants to build a tavern at the top of Mount Everest. Talk about raising the bar high!
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhat did the whale say to the dolphin when he pushed him? I didn't do it on porpoise!
Tags: animal
PermalinkMy bank has a new feature where they'll text you your bank balance. I think it's pretty cool. I just don't think they should end the text with "LOL", though.
Tags: one-liners, money
PermalinkDid you hear about the boy who ate his alarm clock? Apparently it was really time consuming
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWalking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don't dress nice for him anymore.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkKnowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy friend, Ming, told me that I would look more professional if I stop wearing my funny bow tie. I responded, "But I am nothing without my comedic tie, Ming."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat does a hockey player and a magician have in common? Both do hat tricks!
Tags: one-liners, sports
PermalinkStress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe Earth's surface is 70% water. That water is uncarbonated. Therefore, the Earth is flat.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIn Soviet Russia, you rob banks... in Capitalist America, banks rob you!
Tags: one-liners, money
PermalinkIf you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you get when you cross a hurricane with a cruise ship full of 1990's boy bands? Washed up musicians.
Tags: one-liners, music
PermalinkIf people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat goes up and never comes down? Your age!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWanna fork? Not to-knife, but as spoon as I feel better.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI'm giving up spreadsheets for forty days. Excellent.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy neighbor is loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWith great power comes a great electricity bill. Watt a powerfull message.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn. Now I have stable wifi
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIt is very easy to become a superman, you just have to change the sequence of clothes while wearing.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkYou’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for.... Times new ramen!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a super hero completely made of ice? Justice
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAdults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do you get a philosophy student off your porch? Thank him for the pizza
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkEagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Tags: one-liners
Permalinkwhy does sour cream have an expiry date?
Tags: deep-thoughts
PermalinkI told my therapist that no one understands me... She said, "What do you mean by that?"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTrue Fact: Before the crowbar was invented. Most crows drank at home
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThere are 6.02x10^23 guacas in a guacamole, Which is also known as avocado’s number
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkFrom the 7 year old nephew: Why didn't the volcano eat dinner? Because its plates were broken.
Tags: one-liners, science
PermalinkDid you hear about the nearsighted porcupine? He fell in love with a pincushion!
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkThe next iPhone won't be a failure. In fact, it'll be a huge 6S.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAn Apple store got robbed last night and $250,000 worth of equipment was stolen. Police are confident they can recover both the stolen machines.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThere is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrnog.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI asked my boss if I can come to work a little late today. He said “Dream on.” I think that was really nice of him.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhere do sick boats go to get healthy? To the dock!
Tags: one-liners, medical
PermalinkWhy are pills white? Because they work.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy neighboor rang my doorbell at 5 am.. Luckily I was already up, playing drums.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe reward for a job well done is more work.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkI got kicked out of school for playing an instrument. I got band
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAn Irish man walks out of a bar..............Hey, It could happen
Tags: bar
PermalinkCereal first or milk first? Neither. Bowl first.
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkI am probably single....because i didnt forward those chain messages in 2008
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's a horse's favorite sport? Stable Tennis.
Tags: one-liners, animal, sports
PermalinkWhat is the difference between a sharply dressed man on a unicycle and a dully dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA Pokemon go user walks into a bar. Because he was too busy looking at his phone to notice it
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy local hockey rink just reported their Zamboni driver has gone missing... They hope he resurfaces soon.
Tags: one-liners, sports
PermalinkA lion and a cheetah had a race. The lion said you are a "cheetah" and the cheetah said you are "lion."
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkMy math teacher called me average... How mean.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkLife isn't about winning and losing. It's about wishing you would have won and wondering why you lost.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow did Pinocchio discover he was made of wood? His hand caught on fire
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkEvery day two million Americans play tennis and one million of them lose.
Tags: one-liners, sports
PermalinkI can't stand those stupid people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn". Stupid firemen.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a musician who carries grain for living? Hall n' oates.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI'll never forget the words of my late Grandfather... "Sorry I'm late."
Tags: one-liners
Permalinkwhat is an English teachers favorite cereal? Synonym toast crunch
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkIf the earth really is flat. Wouldn't cats have pushed everything off the edge by now?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likeable. It was an autobiography...
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkYou know the razor blade works... when there are no reviews for it on Amazon.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkMy parents said that if I got a tattoo I'd have to get it in a place that didn't matter... So I got it in Appleton, Wisconsin.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you get when you cross elephant DNA with Human DNA? A lifetime ban from the zoo.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkWhat sound does an airplane make when it bounces off the ground? Boeing.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI had to start hiding cereal in my clothes so that my siblings couldn’t eat all of it. I have Trix up my sleeve.
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkWilliam P. Holcomb's job is to supervise the tracking down of Houston, Texas parking ticket violators. It was revealed that he himself had 375 unpaid tickets.
Tags: at-work
PermalinkWhat did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? I'm bacon!
Tags: one-liners, animal, food
PermalinkWhat did the evil fraction say? You will never stop my plans for world denomination.
Tags: one-liners, math
PermalinkMy doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often. Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI've been running as fast as I can, but I still can't catch my breath.
Tags: one-liners, sports
PermalinkWhat do you call bread from India? It's Naan of your business.
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkWhat does idk stand for? Literally everyone I ask doesn't know.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSome of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did the pirate say when he found someone? I sea you!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDoctor's office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Tags: one-liners, medical, programming
PermalinkYou gotta hand it to short people. because they can't reach it
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWas late to my first Fight Club last night? So missed the intro rules. Still Fight Club was brilliant and I'd highly recommend Fight Club.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous, But backwards it’s even more stupid.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDo you know how to avoid clickbait? Obviously not
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy neighbors listen to awesome music. whether they like it or not.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy do dentists only want to be awarded with paper certificates? They hate plaque buildup.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI told Leonardo DiCaprio a joke about the Oscars... He didn't get it.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHe always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do we know the earth isn't flat? If it were flat, cats would have already pushed everything off of it.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkWhat do they call the Hunger Games in France? Battle Royale with Cheese.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkEveryone seems normal until you get to know them
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy are badminton players so loud? Because they are always making a racket!
Tags: one-liners, sports
PermalinkMy horse was way more aggressive than usual today. it threw me off
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf a person told you they were a pathological liar, should you believe them?
Tags: one-liners
Permalinkif Lays had invented air hockey. it would be just air
Tags: one-liners, sports
PermalinkAlways remember that you are unique, just like everybody else!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkInstead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in... It’s currently half empty...
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI'm a nobody and nobody is perfect - therefore, I am perfect.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a mountain where people never sleep? Mt Neverest.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkJob interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkLike a flat tire.......how I'm rolling this morning.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA A A A K = biggest 4 of a kind.
Tags: misc
PermalinkGrandpa joke: What becomes shorter when you add 2 letters? Short
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI'm optimistically single. My bed is half full.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's your best non swearing insult? I hope you step on a lego.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did Raichu say when it saw Pikachu? Raichu
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
Tags: animal
PermalinkThe last four letters in "queue" are not silent. They're just waiting their turn
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkYou haven't experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn't ticklish.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThis Mother's Day, my dad got a new car for my mom. He said it was the best trade he's ever made
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhen I meet a girl for the first time I shake hands with my left. I don’t want to intimidate her with the competition right away
Tags: one-liners
Permalink4 Norse god, 1 Roman god, and 2 astronomical bodies walk into a bar. The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf they don't call the next Fast & Furious film "Fast10 Your Seatbelts" I'm going to be furious.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkFor my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Tags: misc
PermalinkIf I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U. Cause you’re blocking the TV
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHave you heard about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?? He's 0K now.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat word is spelled wrong on every dictionary. Wrong
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning. She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkGlobal warming is a joke. Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDo skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? Sure, they're very scent-imental!
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkI've just won the 2013 'Most secretive person' award. I can't tell you how much it means to me.
Tags: one-liners
Permalinkwhat has 2 legs in the morning and 3 in the afternoon? I have no idea but it's in my basement please send help.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's a golfers' favorite type of music? Swing.
Tags: one-liners, music
PermalinkWhat do you call your mother’s angry French sister? Your croissant
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkShout out to those who don’t know the opposite of in. They need the help.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy can't two elephants go swimming? -They only have one pair of trunks.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat a pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet? None of them. Historians suggest that most pirates would have been illiterate.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI got called pretty yesterday and it felt good! Actually, the full sentence was "You're pretty annoying." but I'm choosing to focus on the positive.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe name's Bond. Ionic bond. Taken, not shared.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWe just got a fax. At work. We didn't know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Tags: one-liners, programming
PermalinkWhere does a spy sleep? Under covers.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWar not determine who right, war determine who left.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?
Tags: crazy-jokes
PermalinkPeople make such a big deal about vegans, but I don't get it. I've never had a beef with one.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97. So he rounded them up.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI froze myself to -273.1°C. ..my friends and family are worried, but I'll be 0K
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA person with an art degree walks into a bar. They then head behind the counter and start serving drinks.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink"You're hitting the woods well today, pitty you can't stay out of them!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkI asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia. and she whispered "They're behind you."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI have a phobia of over engineered buildings. It's a complex complex complex.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI will have enough money for the rest of my life. Of course, if I don't buy and eat anything.
Tags: one-liners, money
PermalinkI’m addicted to seaweed. I must seek kelp.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat kind of cookies make you rich? Fortune cookies!
Tags: one-liners, food, money
PermalinkWhen I play rock, paper, scissors, people think I always choose scissors. They're wrong. I'm actually flashing a peace sign. Stop the violence.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI was recently asked to name two structures that contain water. I responded "Well, dam"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's it called when a King and Queen have no children? A receding heir line...
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow is a meditating monk and a fiber-optic cable similar? Total internal reflection.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI tried to explain what integers are. It was pointless
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI lost my paper towels, I think I need a bounty hunter.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy was Cinderella such a bad field hockey player? Her coach was a pumpkin.
Tags: one-liners, food, sports
PermalinkI know Jiu-Jitsu, Sambo, Judo, Aikido and lots of other scary words.
Tags: one-liners, sports
PermalinkWhere do you find a birthday present for a cat? In a cat-alogue!
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkI don't understand why people don't like lazy people. They didn't do anything.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkWhy couldn't the skeleton cross the road?Because he didn't have the guts.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWriting a horror screenplay. It starts off with a ringing phone. The person answers, and it's their mum saying "I have a computer question."
Tags: one-liners, programming
PermalinkI'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed. Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHaircuts are great. Because I did none of the work but get all the credit.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink6:30 is the best time on a clock hands down.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat was the barristas favourite part about being arrested? The mug shots.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkAs a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat’s the key to a good mailman joke? The delivery.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat rhymes with Orange? No it doesn’t
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI don’t understand why my credit score is so low. Every time collectors call, they say my payments have been outstanding.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA calendar â something that goes in one year and out the other.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkCats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Tags: one-liners, animal, programming
PermalinkA Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says, "five beers, please."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDo you know why I make puns? Because it's my respunsibility.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAt the interview they offered me a salary of $20,000 to work there. I told them to add two 0's at the end and they have a deal. Now I make $20,000.00
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy grandfather has the heart of a lion, ... and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh zoo.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA person soon learns how little he knows when a child begins to ask questions.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI was hooked on auctions after only going once... going twice.
Tags: one-liners, money
PermalinkIf a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement, Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf the entire world was a stage and God was the director, what we need is a rehearsal.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy Czech mate is surprisingly bad at chess.
Tags: one-liners, sports
PermalinkWhy are pirates the best at calculus? Because a true pirate never forgets the C .
Tags: one-liners, math
PermalinkI couldn't fix your brakes, so instead I made your horn louder.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf H2O is water, and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide, what is H2O4? Drinking, bathing, watering etc etc.
Tags: one-liners
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