To help students remember the word for "wear" in Latin, the professor used the phrase: semper ubi, sub ubi Translation: Always wear under wear.
Tags: college
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To help students remember the word for "wear" in Latin, the professor used the phrase: semper ubi, sub ubi Translation: Always wear under wear.
Tags: college
PermalinkGoing home on the bus one evening a man was whiling away the time by doing a crossword. Three more men got on the bus at the next stop, and as they passed, one said, "If it's any help to you, 7 Up is lemonade."
Tags: puns
PermalinkNo, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
Tags: computers
PermalinkQ: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise. A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke. A: One. He gives it to five Oregonians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke. A: In an earlier article, zeus!bobr writes:
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkHow many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb? Let's go ride bikes!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkAlways be smarter than the inanimate object that you're working with.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did the ocean say to the beach? Thanks for all the sediment.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkDefinition of sick:Walking into an orphanage and singing 'WE ARE FAMILY'
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday...the rest are weekdays.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkHow did the person take over the remote? He asked for remote CONTROLS!
Tags: tech
PermalinkKnock Knock Who's there ! Banana ! Banana who ? Banana split, so ice creamed !
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkWhat can you break without saying its' name? Silence...Shhh!
Tags: misc
PermalinkCan women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.
Tags: deep-thoughts
PermalinkWhat is the worst thing that can happen to a leper? An epileptic fit.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy did the piece of gum cross the road? Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot!
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?About .....35 pounds
Tags: misc
PermalinkA woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
Tags: children
PermalinkJohnny comes home from school, and shouts, "Mother!" Mother calls from upstairs, "If you wish to speak to me, come upstairs so you don't have to shout." When Johnny gets upstairs, she says, "Now, what did you want to say to me?" "Just that I trod in some dog do, but it seems to have gone now!"
Tags: children
PermalinkTwo fat men took part in a marathon. One ran in short bursts, and the other ran in burst shorts.
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhen a women found out that she was pregnant, she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the good news. One day, she took her 4 year old son, Sam, out shopping. A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby. "Yes," he said. "I know what we're going to name it. If it is a girl, we're calling her Molly and if it is a boy, we're going to call it Quits."
Tags: children
PermalinkPrudhomme's Law of Window Washing It's on the OTHER side.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.
Tags: puns
PermalinkIf you see a robbery at an Apple Store... Does that make you an iWitness?
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkTeacher: Julia, how can you say Asshole in a nicer way? Julia: As holes.
Tags: college
PermalinkI came out of a convenience store the other day and some seedy looking guy walks up to me and holds up a little sign: "DEAF & DUMB... Can you spare $10?" Wow! What happened to a dollar or 2? So I reached into my pocket for my wallet, opened it, took out a folded piece of paper and handed it to him. It said: "I CAN'T READ" and I walked away.
Tags: misc
PermalinkA guy goes to work and kills everyone...what is this called...? Going Postal...
Tags: at-work
PermalinkI have a machine which has four cog wheels in constant mesh. The largest cog has 72 teeth and the others have 36, 25 and 15 respectively. How many revolutions must the largest cog make before each of the cogs is back in its starting position? 25 revolutions.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ.)Your child poops in their pants- what do you do? A.)Drop off the child at day-care and make them change it.
Tags: children
PermalinkWhat do you call sad coffee? Despresso.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkHow do you generate a random string? Put a Windows user in front of Vim and tell them to exit.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkQ: How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: ---- You should have hit ''n!''
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkKnock Knock Who's there? Dustin Dustin who? Dust in the air, please let me in!
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkThe math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkVeronica: Nurse, I am losing my hair! Nurse: Okay, what size paper bag do you need?
Tags: medical
PermalinkWhat Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko.
Tags: puns
PermalinkQ: How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Does it have to be a lightbulb?
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkIt approaches two tables and asks: "Mind if I join you?"
Tags: tech, classic
PermalinkA book never written: Becoming a Better Artist by N.O. Creativity
Tags: misc
PermalinkThere were three men at a bar. One of them ducked and the other two fell down because they hit the bar.
Tags: bar
PermalinkHow to tell if your cat has a problem by asking yourself the following questions:
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat do you say to a person who says that they are going to tell on you? You say: Too late, I already told.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy does it take 3 women with PMS to change a lightbulb? BECAUSE IT JUST DOES, OK!!!!
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkAccept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkFire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
Tags: tech
PermalinkHow many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, it turned itself in.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhat's the difference between snow men and snow women? Snow BALLS! (Ding dong kind)
Tags: misc
PermalinkA drunk phones the police. He yells, "Come quick! Thieves have stolen my dashboard, steering wheel, brake and gas pedal, and my dang radio!! MY RADIO!!" The police are just about to send out an officer when the drunk phones back. He says very calmly, "Sorry officers. It turns out I just got in my backseat."
Tags: bar
PermalinkWhat do you call a rabbit who tells jokes? A FUNNY BUNNY!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy did the chicken pox cross the road? He was afraid if he stayed he would be spotted.
Tags: medical
PermalinkFinally realized why my plant sits around doing nothing all day... He loves his pot.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhat is a 4 letter sport that starts with a T? Golf. (Golf starts with a tee!)
Tags: sports
PermalinkWhy do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one!
Tags: classic, dad
PermalinkA twelve-year-old boy received a journal as a birthday gift. He looked at it carefully, but was mystified. "Mom, what's the deal with this book? All the pages are blank," he asked. "That's called a journal," she explained. "You write down interesting stuff that happens to you." His face brightened as he caught her drift. "So it's kinda like a blog, only on paper?"
Tags: children
PermalinkMy computer is so old, it has a VHS slot instead of a CD/DVD slot!!!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ: Why did the witch buy a computer? A: She needed the spellcheck
Tags: puns
PermalinkBills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf you don't like my driving, stay out of the bus shelters!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe problem with keeping an open mind is that all my ideas tend to fall out.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkReal friends are those who, when you think you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThere was a guy he had to deliver a package to the nearest town which took three days to get there. If he leaves on Friday and arrives on Friday how is that possible? He doesn't stop to rest. *His horse's name is Friday.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: What's the difference between a rabbit and a cow? A: One's a rabbit and one is a cow
Tags: animal
PermalinkA little boy was in a bookstore with his dad. They were browsing for books when the little kid said,"You know American Idol?" His dad said, "Yeah." The kid then said, "If they win, they'll become poptarts!"
Tags: children
PermalinkWhat did the Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer? Cool Ranch!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkI don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ. How many acountants does it take to change a lightbulb? A. 1 at a fixed rate of 3.5% income return after purchase for every bulb replaced over a 6 year plan, with projected inflation expected to rise to over $1.25 per bulb in 2006.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkOne time, my teacher said to dump our Math books. Then she said to get your Social Studies book. Then that became history.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat happens when a lion roars? Tom n Jerry starts!
Tags: children
PermalinkDid you hear about the runner who was criticized? He just took it in stride
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkAny wire cut to length will be too short.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ: What's a pick up line in a gay bar?? A: Would you like me to push your stool in?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive West.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkActual bumper sticker on a jeep (the writing was upside down). "If you can read this, flip me over!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkOne night, a little boy and his father were having a conversation. The father asked the boy, "Can you say your ABC's, son?" "Yes I can! A...B..C..." and he goes through the whole alphebet. The father then said, "That's good, but can you say it backwords?" The boy smiles and says, "yeah", so he turns around and says, "A...B...C..."
Tags: children
PermalinkThen there was the dyslexic robber who held up the bank with a gnu.
Tags: puns
PermalinkThere was a child named Laura. She asked her mom what the hardest report she ever had to do was. Her mom said, "It was to write an essay on the belly of a frog." Laura said, "Wow!!How did you get the frog in to the typewriter?"
Tags: children
PermalinkFellow orders a triple whisky at the bar and stikes up a conversation with the landlord.Fellow: I shouldn't drink this with what I've Got!Landlord: Why what have you got?Fellow: Fifty Pence!
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat's purple and commutes? An Abelian grape.
Tags: tech
PermalinkTwo guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here's that $20 I owe you," he says.
Tags: misc
PermalinkJudi is explaining to Monika the bad day she'd had at work.Judi's boss had suffered a heart attack and died.Monika said, "How horrible!What did you do?" Judi shook her head."There was nothing I *could* do.He kept yelling at me to call 9-1-1, but he wouldn't tell me the rest of the numbers!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkA kid said to his Dad, "In school I learned Pluto is in outerspace. But they didn't say where Mickey is."
Tags: misc
PermalinkI use to eat natural foods, but then I found out that 65% of all people die of natural causes.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat you don't want to hear on an aeroplane: "You can't leave us now Captain, not at this stage!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkJust when you are finally happy with your life and eveything going on in your life.... You get married and ruin it!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkKnock KnocK??? Who's there? Ya Ya who? Where did that cowboy come from??
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkWhat do you call a chicken? A chicken.
Tags: animal
PermalinkA wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."
Tags: at-work
PermalinkYankee Doodle went to town A-riding on his mother Every time he hit a bump He had another brother!
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ.Where do tough chickens come from? A.Hard boiled eggs!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI use to feel like I was a man trapped in a woman's body, but then I was born.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink"Well, how are you getting on with your dating of the banker's daughter?""Not so bad. I'm getting some encouragement now. ""Really, is she beginning to smile sweetly at you or something?""Not exactly, but last night she said that she's said 'no' for the last time. "
Tags: misc
PermalinkLittle Willy, full of hell, Threw his sister in the well. Their mother said when drawing water, "It's so hard to raise a daughter."
Tags: misc
PermalinkAt its discretion, this site may remove any material posted on our web site that infringes on the rights of others. If you believe that your work has been used improperly or your copyrights have been violated we encourage you to contact us
Tags: misc
PermalinkPilot: Pilot to tower. . . pilot to tower. . . I am 300 miles from land. . . 600 feet high and running out of gas. . . please instruct. . . over. Tower: Tower to pilot. . . tower to pilot. . . Repeat after me. . . "Our Father, which art in heaven. . . "
Tags: heaven-and-hell
PermalinkWhat time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? time to get a new fence!
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: How many FBI agents does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'm afraid that you are not able to receive this classified information.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkMarble is a valuable building material and should not be taken for granite.
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhat's black and white and red all over? A newspaper.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat happens to you if you can not read? Well, since you'll probably be staying in Kindergarten, less homework!
Tags: children
PermalinkAfter interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, the interviewer described the person to his boss as rather monosyllabic. The boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that his boss was just kidding, he played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
Tags: at-work
PermalinkAn unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkYou know what would be odd? Some one with a deep, dark voice calls you and says, "I know what your phone number is...heh heh..."
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow do you sink a polish ship??? Put it in water
Tags: ethnic-jokes
PermalinkTeam has no "I" in it, but it does have a "M" and "E" in it, making "me".
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkJoin the Marines: Visit exotic places, meet interesting people and then kill them.
Tags: misc
PermalinkJack and Jill went up the hill each with a buck and a quarter Jill came down with $2.50. They didn't go up for water!
Tags: puns
PermalinkSeems Paris Hilton is having visits from a speech therapist - she's having trouble finishing a sentence!
Tags: puns
PermalinkAt a lecture series a very poor speaker was on the platform. As he was speaking, people began to get up and leave. It continued like this until there was only one person left in the audience. Finally the speaker stopped and asked the man why he stayed until the end. He replied, "I'm the other speaker. "
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy do people say "This is the first day of the rest of your life"? Isn't that true about everyday unless you die that day?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAs a shepherd you herd your sheep into your barn. As you walk away you hear two wolves in the barn. What do you do? I would get the flock out of there!
Tags: at-work
PermalinkWhat goes after USA? USB.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkA man walks into a dentist's and says, "Can you help me? I think I'm a moth." The dentist says, "You need a psychiatrist, mate." The man says, "Yes, I know." The dentist replies, "Well, why have you come in here?" "Your light was on!"
Tags: medical
PermalinkMy neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will? What will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy are golf balls small and white? Because if they were big and grey they would be elephants.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat do you call a group of disorganized cats? A cat-tastrophe.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhy do you go to a black person's yard sale? To get your stuff back!
Tags: animal
PermalinkOnce,there was a teacher and a girl named Wendy.The teacher asked for Wendy to say a sentence starting with the word I. So wendy started to say I is....Then the teacher said, "No Wendy, it is I am." So Wendy said, "I am the ninth letter if the alphabet."
Tags: children
PermalinkWhy does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock? Because it's a little meteor.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkDid you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a roman catholic.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhat is represented by this? Way One Way!
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat has ears but cannot hear? A field of corn.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhat do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWant to hear a really big joke? JOKE!
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat do you call a drive-by shooting in Chinatown? A cappuchino.
Tags: puns
PermalinkBob: I'm going to go ride my spaceship. Jack: What's a spaceship? Bob: Dunno, I'll go invent it.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: Which sea animal is very grumpy? A: The crab!
Tags: animal
PermalinkJerry: So you have both a nice mommy and a pretty mommy? Steve: Yup. They're lesbians.
Tags: children
PermalinkQ: What do men and linoleum have in common? A: Lay them right and you can walk all over them the rest of your life.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat do you call a blond standing inbetween two brunetts?A mental Block
Tags: misc
PermalinkThis guy at work argued with everybody that his pink oxford shirt was actually "salmon." Finally, human resources brought in a grizzly bear to settle the dispute.
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhy did the designer break up with their font? Because it wasn't their type.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkAn elderly couple was attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do? He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do scientists use to freshen their breath? Experi-mints
Tags: puns
PermalinkMolly wrote a letter to Santa Claus one day. Dear Santa, Please give me a Workout Barbie and a new milkman because he is sleeping with Mommy. Love, Molly
Tags: children
PermalinkOne day, a man held a contest. The winner would be who could get the most ping pong balls in one day. The first man comes back with 100. The second man comes back with 110. The third man comes back with a whole ton of bruises. The men ask him why he didn't collect any ping pong balls and why he was bruised. He said, "Ping pong balls? I thought he said King Kong's balls!
Tags: misc
Permalinkknock knock, who's there animal animal who? animal i kin git lots of stuff iffn i have ta money
Tags: misc
PermalinkMosquitos consider most people as food, but grandma's an open bar.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkDid you hear the story about the cheese that saved the world? It was legend dairy.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhat's the difference between boogers and broccoli? Kids don't eat broccoli.
Tags: children
PermalinkOk. I honestly saw this on a billboard: Illiterate? Call this number to learn how to read.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ. What always stays hot inside a refridgerator? A. Salsa!
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb? A: There is nothing to change.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhy drink and drive when you can smoke and fly?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.
Tags: animal
PermalinkI'm a nobody and nobody is perfect - therefore, I am perfect.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat was a more important invention than the first telephone? The second one.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhat does the dentist of the year get?...A little plaque.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's grey, crispy and hangs from the ceiling?An amateur electrician.
Tags: misc
PermalinkA farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. So the farmer says "Oh, shoot! It went in one ear and out the udder"...
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhere does Superman's goldfish live ? In the superbowl....
Tags: animal
PermalinkI almost got fired for telling this joke at work: Do you know why fireman have bigger balls than policeman? They sell more tickets!
Tags: at-work
PermalinkThree Indian women are sitting side by side. The first, sitting on a goatskin, has a son who weighs 170 pounds. The second, sitting on a deerskin, has a son who weighs 130 pounds. The third, seated on a hippopotamus hide, weighs 300 pounds. What famous theorem does this illustrate? The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides!
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhat is it called when an insect kills themself? Pesticide!
Tags: animal
PermalinkTheir was a very rich old lady that died.Before she died she gave all her money and stuff to her children and grandchildren. She had one thing left to give out. It was a diamond. She said she hid it in a cylinder with squares. A grandchild said he knew where it was. Where was it???
Tags: misc
PermalinkNormal people believe that "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Engineers believe that "If it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet"
Tags: one-liners
Permalink"Boss, I've got to have a raise," the salesman said to his sales manager. "There are three other companies after me.""Is that a fact?" the manager asked. "What other companies are after you?""The electric company, the phone company, and the gas company."
Tags: office-jokes
Permalink"Well, Jonathan, what are you going to do about the excess weight you're carrying around?" the doctor asked. "I don't understand it, Doc," Jonathan replied, "I just can't seem to lose weight. I must have an overactive thyroid." "Jonathan, the tests show that your thyroid is perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "It's your fork that's overactive."
Tags: medical
PermalinkIf this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: Why are cats similar to sentences? A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws; a sentence has pause at the end of its clause.
Tags: puns
PermalinkLittle four-year-old Jenny was looking at her new baby brother for the first time. He was fast asleep. After staring at her tiny, motionless baby brother for a few minutes, Jenny looked up at her mother and asked plaintively, "Didn't he come with batteries?"
Tags: children
PermalinkI know the day I gave up exercise. You wanna know? Check my birth certificate.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat did the lollipop say to the popsicle? 'Cool, dude!'
Tags: misc
PermalinkTeacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?" Billy: "No comb, Sir." Teacher: "Use your dad's then." Billy: "No hair, Sir."
Tags: children
PermalinkI believe in making the world safe for our children. But not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
Tags: misc
PermalinkDoctor: What is it that brought you here? Patient: An ambulance. Why?
Tags: medical
PermalinkCan a teacher give a homeless man homework?
Tags: deep-thoughts
PermalinkKnock-Knock Who's there? Orange Orange who Orange you tired of hearing the same stupid jokes about oranges?
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkThese two convicts were about to be executed. The Warden says to the first one "Do you have a last request?"The convict says "Yes. I'd like to hear A Christina Aguilera song one last time."The Warden says "OK, I think we can arrange that." Then he says to the second convict "How about you? Last request?"The second convict says "Yeah. Kill me first."
Tags: misc
PermalinkAn Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says "What is this - some kind of joke?"
Tags: bar
PermalinkQ: Why is an elephant big, grey and wrinkly? A: Because if it was small, white and hard it would be an aspirin.
Tags: animal
PermalinkAlways on the look-out for a bargain, I was dining out and came across a menu entree "T-Bone* $4.25". I inquired of the waiter how they could sell a dinner at that price. He advised me to check the bottom of the menu. Next to the "*" was "with meat, $14.95"
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow do the chinese get their names? Their parents kick a can down the street... ching chang chung bing....
Tags: misc
PermalinkAn agriculture student said to a farmer: "Your methods are too old-fashioned. I wouldn't be surprised if this tree gave you less than twenty pounds of apples." "Wouldn't surprise me, either," said the farmer, "this is an orange tree."
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhere do you learn to make banana splits? At sundae school.
Tags: classic, general
Permalinkantique-an item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again.
Tags: misc
PermalinkThe accountant was visiting the Museum of Natural History and said to the person standing next to him, "That dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old." "How did you get such exact information?" "I was here ten months ago and the guide said the dinosaur was two billion years old."
Tags: misc
PermalinkIf you tell the truth, you don't have to remember everything.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy don't you find hippopotamuses hiding in trees? They're really good at it.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkHow do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for fresh prints.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkMr. Smith: "So, Mr. Jones, how's your son John?" Mr. Jones: "He's at Harvard right now." Mr. Smith: "Oh, really?! Well, congratulations! What's he studying?" Mr. Jones: "Oh, he's not studying anything. They're studying him."
Tags: college
PermalinkA group of American tourists were on a guided tour through an ancient castle in Europe. "Ladies and gentlemen," the guide said, "this castle is over 700 years old. Nothing has been altered or touched in all those years." "Sounds like they have the same cheap landlord I have!" exclaimed one of the tourists.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat math term tells what acorns say when they are a tree??? Geometry!! (Geo-m-e-try) (Gee I'm a tree)
Tags: misc
PermalinkDo you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkLADY TO BEGGAR- Why don't you get a job? BEGGAR- Actually, I'm an author. I once wrote a book entitled "One Hundred Ways to Make Money." LADY- Well then why are you begging? BEGGAR- It's one of my ways...
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Billions and billions.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkI wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness' but it doesn't work.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink(to be read aloud) 'Twas in a restaurant they met Romeo and Juliet But Romeo couldn't pay the bill So Romee-owed what Julie ate ("ett").
Tags: puns
Permalinkwat do u call a female dog?
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat do you call a fashionable lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythmn? A metro-gnome
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkI was walking down the road and saw a sign which read, "SIDEWALK AHEAD CLOSED. PLEASE USE OTHER SIDE OF ROAD". Oooh, it made me cross!
Tags: puns
PermalinkYou know you're screwed when you fall in love with a woman you see at the mall, then realize that she is your sister.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy did the chicken get a penalty? For fowl play.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkKnock Knock Who's there? Boo Boo who? I don't know, but stop your crying!
Tags: misc
PermalinkThe chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
Tags: misc
PermalinkThere are two rules for success in life: Rule 1 - Don't tell people everything you know.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ. What do me and a mirror have in common? A. When we see your face we both crack up!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat starts with the letter F and ends in UCK? FiretrUCK
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAndy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup Play-Offs. I put my foot through the television."
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: Did you hear the joke about the jump rope? A: No, I skipped it!
Tags: sports
PermalinkWhat do you call a Canadian fire? A Calgary Flame.
Tags: sports
PermalinkWhat's the difference between a "fox" and a "dog?" About 6 drinks.
Tags: bar
PermalinkQ: Why did the rooster cross the road? A: To prove he wasn't chicken. Q: Why did the pencil cross the road? A: It was lead.
Tags: misc
PermalinkChildren in the back of the car cause accidents. Accidents in the back of the car cause children
Tags: children
PermalinkHow does Michael Jackson pick his nose? Through a catalogue!!
Tags: misc
PermalinkWe invite grandparents to a special day at our school, culminating in a photo op with grandparent and grandchild posing in front of a colorful display from a history class. Only after the last shot was snapped did we notice what appeared above each grandparent's head: a banner screaming, "Discover the Ancient World."
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes whack, dang. A bad skydiver goes dang, whack.
Tags: sports
PermalinkDid you hear about the scientists who crossed a porcupine with a sheep? They got an animal that knits its own sweaters.
Tags: animal
PermalinkQ: What do you call a group of blondes in a circle?A: A dope ring!!
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhoever said nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ: How does a Blonde kill a bird?A: She throws it off a cliff!
Tags: misc
PermalinkDid you hear about the cannibal who was late to dinner? He got the cold shoulder.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkKnock knock. Who's there? Hatch. Hatch who? Bless you!
Tags: classic, knock-knock
PermalinkWhat did the chicken say to the bully? Why don't you peck on someone your own size?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner is on me!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkDo bakers with a sense of humor bake wry bread?
Tags: puns
PermalinkOn Halloween night a kid is standing on a bench with a fake beard, fake fangs, a tennis racket, a baseball cap, and a purple cape. A snobby man walks by and says, "What are you supposed to be?" The kid says, "Duh! I'm a kid standing on a bench wearing fake fangs, a fake beard, a baseball cap, a purple cape and holding a tennis racket! What did you think I was?"
Tags: children
PermalinkWhy does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkQ: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhy did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkPhillip's teacher asks him, "Can you name the Great Lakes?" Phillip, always fast with an answer, pipes up with, "I don't need to. They've already been named."
Tags: children
PermalinkLittle Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
Tags: children
PermalinkI'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.
Tags: tech
PermalinkWhat is the fastest way to double your money? By folding it in half
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWanna hear a dirty joke? A boy fell in a mud puddle.
Tags: puns
PermalinkA fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he met a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, "Only caught one, eh?"
Tags: sports
PermalinkWhy do you never hear father-in-law jokes?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy do Java programmers wear glasses? Because they don't C#.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkThere is a very simple way to explain the theory of mind over matter. Once you lose you mind, nothing matters.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhy was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years?Because men refuse to ask for directions!
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow many diagonals does an N-polygon have? N(N-3)/2.
Tags: tech
PermalinkAfter picking up food for his daughter's cat, George spied a new bowl for the pet and grabbed it too. "Shall I have the cat's name written on the side of the bowl?" offered the store owner. "No, don't bother," replied George. "He can't read anyway."
Tags: animal
PermalinkI put a blank tape in my TV and turned the volume all the way up. The mime next door went crazy and called the cops.
Tags: misc
PermalinkLawyers creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
Tags: one-liners
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