Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• If a person told you they were a pathological liar, should you believe them?

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• If you have bad credit, make friends with a trigonometrist. They will cosine for you.

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• I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no. Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

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• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

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• Alcohol is not always the answer but it’s worth a shot.

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• I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Is your name Wi-Fi? Because I'm feeling a connection.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• A pun loving old man forgot to order his tombstone before he passed away. This was a grave mistake

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• I told my friends I'm going on a date with a cute girl. They told me she's imaginary, but joke's on them, so are they.

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• When I told my family I wanted to do stand-up comedy all they did was laughing.

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• I named my dog 6 miles so I can tell people that I walk 6 miles every single day.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, sports

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• I was going to be an optometrist, but couldn't see things clearly.

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• One day a duck walked into a drugstore and bought some lipstick. She walked up to the clerk and said, "Put it on my bill!"

  Tags: puns

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• The device will work much better, if you turn it on.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city.. Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.

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• Miley Cyrus is a strictly american phenomenon... most everywhere else in the world, she'd be Kilometery Cyrus

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• Nowadays, most of the children dream about an IPhone, when I was a child – I wanted a dog.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

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• Why couldn't the rocket have a second launch date? It had thrust issues

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• Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school? His heart wasn't in it.

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• What do the English do immediately after winning the FIFA World Cup? Turn off the Playstation.

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• What do you call Cupid’s arrow when he upgrades to a crossbow? A lover’s quarrel

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• Why is leather armor best for sneaking? It's literally made of hide.

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• Never trust a dog to watch your food.

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• My family treats me like a god. They only talk to me when they want something.

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• I entered a my pet snail into a race and removed its shell thinking it would make it faster... Unfortunately, it only made it more sluggish.

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• What's cooler than being cool? Being 0K.

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• How do I stay humble? Well, it's not easy, but I start by being generally bad at almost all things.

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• When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

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• What's the capital of Greece? About 5 euros.

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• A group of introverts is called an oxymoron. Please help me

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• What do you buy an Archer that likes flowers? A rose

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• I just checked my account balance at the ATM. It printed me a coupon for ramen noodles

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• My math teacher called me average... How mean.

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• I went to the doctors recently He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty” I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”. He said, “No. Fatty, don’t eat anything."

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• What do you get when multiplication, division, addition, and subtraction don't shower for a month? The Odor of Operations

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• What do you call an aging actor who has finally paid off his house? Mortgage freeman.

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• I changed my password everywhere to "incorrect". That way when I forget it, it always reminds me, "Your password is incorrect".

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• You haven't experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn't ticklish.

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• Why can’t the Minnesota Vikings eat cereal for breakfast? They choke when they get too close to a bowl.

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• I once abused someone with a dictionary... The judge didn't know whether to charge me with verbal or physical assault

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• The Nintendo 64 turned 18 today. Now you can legally blow the cartridges.

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• The four most beautiful words in our common language: "I told you so."

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• I used to have a job crushing cans in a soft drink factory all day. It was soda pressing.

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• Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete? She wanted to see the task manager.

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• People are lot less judgy when you say you ate an 'avocado salad' instead of a bowl of guacamole.

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• Subway is definitely the healthiest fast food available because they make you get out of the car.

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• The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

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• As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

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• I burned my Hawaiian pizza today... I guess i should have put the oven on aloha setting

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• My magnesium levels in blood have dropped down to dangerous levels!!!! 0mg!!

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• Why are clams so hard to see on the bottom of the ocean? They’re clamouflaged.

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• I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...

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• It's okay Microsoft Excel even my love life is not responding.

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• Why do dentists only want to be awarded with paper certificates? They hate plaque buildup.

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• Facebook is set to release its own webmail client emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"

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• "Hello everyone, welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous." "I see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

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• I have the memory of an elephant. I saw an elephant.

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• I bought a stunning house in the Arctic recently. Gives me chills everytime I step into it.

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• Newton: I've discovered calculus(1664). Leibneiz: I've discovered calculus(1670s) Newton: Really? Seems derivative.

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• I've been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now, I think I'll start calling them traditions.

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• "I'm going to punch your house until you come out and talk to me!" ~ Guy who invented 'knocking'.

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• Courtesy of my seven year-old son: What do cows call their clothes? Moo

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• Then there was the model who sat on a broken bottle and cut a good figure.

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• What is an astronaut's favorite key on a keyboard? Space!

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• I asked my dad, “Why do you keep buying vinyl?”. Dad: Records are....always a sound purchase.

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• My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him. But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

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• Why is lipstick losing market share in the makeup industry? Because we live in a mask era.

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• Tarzan doesn't have a beard. Yet he lives in the jungle for over 30 years.

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• Creating a joke is one thing. But delivering it is another. I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.

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• What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot? Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.

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• I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today. It's my thirty-second birthday.

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• I bet Egyptians were all like "Yo, nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do" and then came the internet.

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• My neighbor is loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels

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• I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

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• Fixing broken windows is a pane in the glass.

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• What do ghosts serve for dessert? I Scream.

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• I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record. I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

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• They say you are what you eat... today I bought some ready to eat chicken and sure enough I was ready to eat chicken.

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• Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls.

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• I had a date tonight. It was pretty sweet. Next, I’m going to try a fig.

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• What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? "You're too young to smoke."

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• What do you call an artist in a dark alley? Sketchy

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• How Can You Tell If a Man's a Redneck?

  If he concentrates on the bottle because it says, "from concentrate!"

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• When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.

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• When I asked if you'd like to go out on a date sometime, I meant with me.

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• My doctor says I have insomnia, but I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.

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• Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• The difference between true love and dinosaurs: We're sure that dinosaurs once existed on this earth.

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• How do you make holy water? You take ordinary tap water and boil the hell out of it.

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• Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.

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• Bro, do you want this pamphlet? Brochure.

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• What do you call a spider with 20 eyes? Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider

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• I am broken when my name is spoken. What am I? McDonald’s ice cream machine

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• I've just bought a thesaurus but all the pages are blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

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• What do you have to do to have a party in space? You have to Planet.

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• My dad never really loved me as a child. I can't really blame him though ; I wasn't born until he was an adult.

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• If you were 8 years old when “Red Red Wine” was released. UB40 now

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• How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They like to keep their clients in the dark!

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby. Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours.

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• When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl

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• Smart people don't call themselves smart - me included.

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• I wish I was poor one day in my life... Because being poor everyday sucks...

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• What does a guy with 2 right feet wear to the beach? Flop-Flops

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• An Irish man walks out of a bar..............Hey, It could happen

  Tags: bar

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• I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics... But graphing is where I draw the line!

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• How do you refer to someone who got over their anxiety? Past tense

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• A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

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• Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends.

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• If a dog was a computer, would its bark be bigger than its byte?

  Tags: one-liners, animal, programming

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• My life peaked when I got to fly a helicopter. Unfortunately its been a downward spiral ever since.

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• I was laying in bed last night looking up at the stars in the sky when I thought to myself. Where the hell is my ceiling.

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• If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

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• I thought it would be a cool idea to have sonic in real life. But apparently speed doesn’t make animals faster

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• I have nothing to declare except my genius.

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• What's the difference between Astrology and Astronomy? About 50 IQ points.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

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• where does steel wool come from? Robot sheep

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• I hear some rich guy wants to build a tavern at the top of Mount Everest. Talk about raising the bar high!

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• What did one German wheat farmer say to the other German wheat farmer? Gluten tag

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• Finally my winter fat is gone. Now I have spring rolls

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• I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane

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• Why did Boba Fett work alone? Because he was hunting Solo.

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• What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat? Banned from the zoo.

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• "Hello, is this anonymous NSA hotline?" "Yes, David, how can we help you?"

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• A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

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• Q: What happens when you take a Packard Bell, Windows 95, a grenade and put them together?A: A typical upgrade.

  Tags: misc

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• What did the painter say to her boyfriend? "I love you with all my art!"

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• There's no such thing as a "new" Law and Order joke. They've all been done done.

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• Why was titanium afraid of iron and argon? Because there is nothing to fear but FEAR itself

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• Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.

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• If I discovered a new animal I'd call it a Quorn to mess with vegetarians.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, food

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• If you're looking for the best time to spill things on yourself, might I suggest wearing a white shirt and right before an interview.

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• Why do Java programmers need glasses? Because they can't C#.

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• Lots of people thought I was a fool for going into debt because I overspent on therapy sessions. But now I'm laughing all the way to the bank.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• What Sound does an Australian Frog make? Croakey

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• They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot. Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B

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• How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello? Konnichihuahua

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• A bag of Cheetos has a contest. It says "No Purchase neccesary" but the code is on the inside...

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• Apple really is the most futuristic company out there. They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!

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• My friend tries to impress girls by drawing realistic pictures of a Ford F-150. He’s ....a pickup artist.

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• When one door closes... An incognito window opens.

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• Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.

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• If I have twin daughters, I'll name one Kate. And I'll name the other "DupliKate"

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• Why don't salmon watch cable television? They prefer streams.

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• If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

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• My grandfather has the heart of a lion, ... and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh zoo.

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• Why does a 6 oz hamburger have less energy than a 6 oz steak? Because the hamburger is in the ground state.

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• If you think patience is a virtue, try surfing the net on a 14.4k dial up connection.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Team has no "I" in it, but it does have a "M" and "E" in it, making "me".

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• What do you call a depressed pair of croissants? Pain au pain.

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• How do you call a cow with no legs? You don't, because cows don't have phones.

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• DMV jokes get old really fast. Unlike the DMV. You have to go through a special line to become old.

  Tags: at-work

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• I once dated a mime. I hope I left her with a good impression.

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• After some investigation, I discovered some cracks in the hearth of my fireplace. In other words, it’s having a mantle breakdown

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• I got fired from my job as a massage therapist. My boss said I rubbed people the wrong way.

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• Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."

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• My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab, the results speak for themselves

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• Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context." Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."

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• Did you hear about the athlete who wore two jackets when she painted the house? The instructions on the can said: "Put on two coats."

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• My local hockey rink just reported their Zamboni driver has gone missing... They hope he resurfaces soon.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• My Valentine is like the square root of -100... A 10, but imaginary

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• What do you call a werewolf that doesn't know he's a werewolf? An unawarewolf.

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• I was changing some fuses at Buzzfeed Number 14 shocked me.

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• Why do hockey rinks have curved corners? Because if they were 90 degrees, the ice would melt.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Where do admins go for summer break? Banned camp.

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• 0.666. ... beware the number of the millibeast.

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• I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above. It's my new year's resolution.

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• I use artificial sweetener at work. I add it to everything I say to my boss.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• We conducted an online survey. and found that out of the world's population, 0% of people are Amish.

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• 85% of all Fords made are still on the road today... The other 15% made it home.

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• Where did the spaghetti and the sauce go dancing? The meatball!

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Don't follow in my footsteps, I walk into walls.

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• Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really.

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• "Raccoons"? Oh, you mean garbage pandas?

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• How did two oceans or seas become friends? Because they kept waving at each other.

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• The word 'possesses', possesses so many s's, that any one can't assess it without knowing 's', I guess !

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• Why is a doctor always calm? Because it has a lot of patients.

  Tags: one-liners, medical

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• Albert Einstein created many concepts for modern physics. His brother, Frank, however, created a monster.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• How are dog catchers paid? By the pound!

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• There's a lot of controversy about vaccination, but you know what I don't get? Measles.

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• If Mac users care more about the environment more than Windows users. Then why do Macs have a trash can and Windows has a recycling bin?

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• You stare at frozen juice cans because they say, "concentrate".

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• I was going to tell a time travel joke... but you didn't like it.

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• I dressed up as a screwdriver this past Halloween. It wasn't the best costume but I still turned a lot of heads.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear there is a coin shortage in America? We're running out of common cents.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Laziness Level: I get jealous when it's bedtime in other countries

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• I couldn't fix your brakes, so instead I made your horn louder.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Once you’ve seen one shopping center...... You’ve seen the mall.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the difference between Jimmy Fallon and myself? I can get through a Jimmy Fallon joke without laughing.

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• A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly... and as you can see, they were Wright.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?

  Tags: one-liners

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• How did Ben Franklin feel about discovering electricity? He was shocked!

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I was kicked out of the house for my bad impressions of Arnold Schwarzenegger. But that didn't faze me. As I left, I told 'em... "I'll be returning"

  Tags: one-liners

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• I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• How to avoid clickbait? Not like this

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you tell the difference between an English major, a Math major, and a programmer? Ask them what "!" is

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Which word has 6 letters, starts with an N and ends with an R and is related to a Race? NASCAR

  Tags: one-liners

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• Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.

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• Now that everyone carries a decent camera with them... Where did all of the U.F.O's go?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Every single morning I get hit by the same bike. It's a vicious cycle.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Working on the computer is like driving a submarine. Once you open windows, the problems begin.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I want to go to IKEA, hide in a wardrobe, wait for someone to open it and yell "WELCOME TO NARNIA".

  Tags: one-liners

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• Errors are red, the screen is in blue. I think you just deleted system32

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is Valentine's Day the best day for a celebration? Because you can really party hearty!

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you replace your morning coffee with green tea ..... You can lose up to 87% of what little joy you have left in your life.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• My parents never let me listen to classical or jazz music growing up. Too much sax and violins.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• Orion's Belt is a waist of space. Bad pun, I know. 3 stars at best.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call something that looks like pasta, and tastes like pasta, but isn't pasta? An impasta.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to figure out it was just a Fanta sea.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• i call myself terms and conditions. because y'all keep ignoring me

  Tags: one-liners

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• The light at the end of the tunnel... might just be an incoming train.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I hate jokes about prom. The punch line is always too long.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I had a dime for every time I lost something between the couch cushions... I would probably lose those between the couch cushions too.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many IT people does it take to change a light bulb? Do you have a ticket for that?

  Tags: one-liners

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• A bus carrying a jazz band has broke down on the highway. Witnesses are reporting a massive jam

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• How many "sup dude"s does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, it's already lit fam.

  Tags: one-liners

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• People are 63% more likely to believe a made up stat if you say it confidently. This increases to 78.47 if you add a decimal

  Tags: one-liners

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• I had a dream last night that I had a Magnesium deficiency.. I was like 0Mg

  Tags: one-liners

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• LPT: If you commit 90 sins, you only get caught half the time. sin 90 = cot 45

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you can't think of a word, say "I forgot the English word for it." That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My son is proof that anyone can be successful enough to drive a BMW or Mercedes. And besides, he looks so cute in his valet parking attendant uniform.

  Tags: misc

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• I asked my mother where I have been born when she told me in a hospital. I responded: "Mom was I ill?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you name a tricky pig? Cunningham

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't care how old I am, I will see Finding Dory.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How is it we look in a dictionary to figure out how to spell something if we don't know how to spell it?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Hackers brought down my online business but I managed to keep the website address and that's domain thing.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• I keep telling people gullible isn't in the dictionary. Don't believe me look it up

  Tags: one-liners

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• Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver!

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• People who say they've lost their voice are lying.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why does leather armour help the wearer be stealthy? Because it's made of hide.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN... They become VERY ANGRY.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you know that it’s wrong to breed eels with eagles? It’s eel-eagle.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wonder why there are locks on the doors of Seven-Eleven when it says they are open 24/7.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I once stayed up all night trying figure out where the sun went. Then it dawned on me

  Tags: one-liners

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• Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg. The Gregorian calendar

  Tags: one-liners

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