Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to fine art.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail, but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the difference between rock and jazz? Rock is playing three chords for a thousand people. Jazz is playing a thousand chords for three people.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Roses are red, Cellos are brown. Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down ;)

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do arrows and young ladies have in common? They're all aquiver in the presence of a beau.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "Hello, is this anonymous NSA hotline?" "Yes, David, how can we help you?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

  Tags: puns

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• While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I love the smell of my F5 key... It's just so refreshing!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I used to be scared of pretty girls, So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Bullets are so weird. They only do their job AFTER they’re fired

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Remember- There's a light at the end of every tunnel... just hope it's not a train!

  Tags: one-liners

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• A man has been found guilty of overusing commas. The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My sister bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti... You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

  Tags: one-liners

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• My British friend asked me, "Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?" I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the chemical composition of banana? Barium disodium

  Tags: one-liners

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• Dating is a lot like fishing. Sure, there's plenty of fish in the sea. But until i catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

  Tags: one-liners

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• On the other hand you have five fingers.

  Tags: misc

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• How do you double the value of a Trabant? Fill up the tank!

  Tags: misc

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• My parents never let me listen to classical or jazz music growing up. Too much sax and violins.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• Did you hear about the tree that made an Ash of itself?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have the heart of a lion, the eyes of an eagle. and a lifetime ban from the zoo

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• Why didn't the green pepper practice archery? Because it didn't habanero.

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• Jimmy, your composition "My Dog" is the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? No, sir. It's the same dog.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A Canadian walks into a cafe, and the barista asks, "Would you like a latte?" And the Canadian responds to him "Nah, just a bit, eh."

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• "Mom, i'm in the hospital." "Jeremy, you have been a doctor for 8 years now please stop starting every phone conversation with that."

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• A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night. Oof

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• What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe? Kilometery Cyrus

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two Teemos sit in a brush. One says to the other "There's not mushroom in here"

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• It's pretty easy to fall in love with an Olympic Curler. They're used to sweeping people off their feet

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do archaeologists get all the girls? Because they have the best dating techniques.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I can't believe that viruses and bacteria would just invade my body without a permission. That makes me sick

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• Did you hear about the cowboy who wore a hat made of paper towels? He had a bounty on his head.

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• My friends keep telling me to stop impersonating butter. But I can't. I'm on a roll now

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• So...the past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

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• I just found out Canada isn’t real. Turns out it was all maple leaf.

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• I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else.

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• Why does Kylo Ren have no friends? Because his whole life he's Ben Solo

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• It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs... Because they always take things literally.

  Tags: one-liners

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• There were three men at a bar. One of them ducked and the other two fell down because they hit the bar.

  Tags: bar

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• I have an 18-year-old; her name is Alexis. I chose that name because if I hadn't had her, I'd be driving one.

  Tags: children

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• Eating too much cake is the deadly sin of gluttony. But not eating too much pie, because the sin of pi is always zero.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper? Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Which celebrity is always ready for ice cream? Reese, with her spoon.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

  Tags: misc

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• What do they call shoes with wheels in Africa? SwaHeeleys.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wish I was poor one day in my life... Because being poor everyday sucks...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Do you know what an enforcer does on a hockey team? Just checking.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Computers will never be completely "Idiot Proof" because Idiots continue to be so resourceful.

  Tags: computers

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• Here's a lighted dynamite stick, please hold it until I get back.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What kind of cereal does Ronda Rousey eat? Kix

  Tags: one-liners

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• What type of joke is the best joke? A Communist joke, because everyone gets it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A calendar – something that goes in one year and out the other.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Just one. How many scientists does it take to build a time machine?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm not usually too good at jokes but um... Tiss

  Tags: one-liners

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• If shotgun slugs are inside shotgun shells... Does that make them shotgun snails?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does Arnold Schwarzenegger say at a bar mitzvah? Muscle. Tough.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the elephant call the locksmith? Because he lost his keys in his trunk!

  Tags: animal

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• What does a redneck Buddhist believe in? Reintarnation.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why don't Malaysian TV shows get commissioned? Because they all have terrible pilots.

  Tags: one-liners

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• An Integer walks to a String and asks for its number. String replies, "Sorry, you're not my type."

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have a fear of elevators but I'm taking steps to avoid it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My love life is like Santa Claus. It exists thanks to gullible six year olds

  Tags: one-liners

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• It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st, be sure to lift your left leg. That way, you'll start the New Year on the right foot.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Team has no "I" in it, but it does have a "M" and "E" in it, making "me".

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a monkey holding a fire cracker? A Baboom!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I put a blank tape in my TV and turned the volume all the way up. The mime next door went crazy and called the cops.

  Tags: misc

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• Two slices of bread got married. The ceremony was going quite well until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What color is red? True or false?

  Tags: misc

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• How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. But the light bulb has to want to change.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I haven't sold a single copy of my autobiography. That's the story of my life.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess. But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Brazil is playing tomorrow and I'm betting that Neymar is ready to roll.

  Tags: one-liners

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• So I was asked the past tense of 'think' in a English test today. I thought and thought and thought and finally wrote 'thunk'.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I went to my local self defense gym and asked if I can take 2 classes today. They said no. “You can taekwondo”

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are pirates the best at calculus? Because a true pirate never forgets the C .

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• When I was young, I thought rich people owned Bose music systems and the rest of us had Sony products. Turns out those were just stereotypes.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• What’s the most British thing in the British museum? The name.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just gave my cat some 7UP. Now he's got 16 lives.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

  Tags: misc

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• Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

  Tags: one-liners

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• One day Canada will take over the world. Then we'll all be sorry.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My dad never really loved me as a child. I can't really blame him though ; I wasn't born until he was an adult.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My doctor said I need to cut back my sodium intake but I tend to take everything he says with a grain of salt.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning. I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I just found the worst page in the entire dictionary What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

  Tags: one-liners

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• There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call it when Arnold Schwarzenegger remembers the lyrics to Africa? Toto recall

  Tags: one-liners

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• Errors are red, the screen is in blue. I think you just deleted system32

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you play a Windows Vista disc backwards, you can hear satanic chanting what's worse, if you play it forwards, it installs Vista.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why does a milking stool only have three legs? Because the cow has the udder.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How to avoid clickbait? clearly, you wouldn't know...

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you have bad credit, make friends with a trigonometrist. They will cosine for you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You gotta hand it to short people. because they can't reach it

  Tags: one-liners

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• PSA: Please don't call them dwarves... It's not the proper gnomenclature.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is a flat earther's least favorite flavor of gum? Spheremint

  Tags: one-liners

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• Today, my friend warned a pedestrian about a pothole. I guess that makes him a trip advisor.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Divorced Barbie doll.. Comes with all Ken's stuff.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb? Why does it have to be a group activity?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?

  Tags: one-liners

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• William P. Holcomb's job is to supervise the tracking down of Houston, Texas parking ticket violators. It was revealed that he himself had 375 unpaid tickets.

  Tags: at-work

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• Knowledge cannot enter the head via an open mouth.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they.... lactose.....

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wanted to make my racing snail faster.. So I took off its shell. If anything it became a lot more sluggish.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is lipstick losing market share in the makeup industry? Because we live in a mask era.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators. I'm taking steps to avoid them.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Fun fact: "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound. . . At least, I'm pretty sure that's correct.

  Tags: one-liners

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• After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it then my illegal logging business is a success

  Tags: one-liners

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• 10, 27, 28, 30, 32 walk into a bar... 10 says "I'm drinking age, I swear!" The bartender says "Outlier!"

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a musician who carries grain for living? Hall n' oates.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's a horrible icebreaker? The titanic

  Tags: one-liners

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• I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10am... I'm not really a mourning person.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I told my carpenter I didn't want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Grandpa joke: What becomes shorter when you add 2 letters? Short

  Tags: one-liners

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• What has a bottom at its top? A leg

  Tags: one-liners

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• I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners? Not a fan.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row they told me I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why couldn't the rocket have a second launch date? It had thrust issues

  Tags: one-liners

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• Albert Einstein just finished his theory about space. Its about time too

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call something that looks like pasta, and tastes like pasta, but isn't pasta? An impasta.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• What do you call a Belgian businessman? An Antwerp-eneur!

  Tags: one-liners

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• It's so rude when someone's phone goes off in class. Some of us are trying to sleep.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I went on a job interview, Interviewer asks, Do you have any experience? Me: Yes, of course, "This is my 20th interview"

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does George Washington have in common with Aunt Petunia from Harry Potter? They both went to Mount Vernon.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is call of duty infinite warfare set in space? Because nobody liked it on earth.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why can’t the Minnesota Vikings eat cereal for breakfast? They choke when they get too close to a bowl.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• If you can't think of a word, say "I forgot the English word for it." That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

  Tags: one-liners

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• 8 P, 8 N and 8 E in an O A

  8 protons, 8 neutrons and 8 electrons in an oxygen atom!

  Tags: misc

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• I ended up in jail the other night and the guys across from me had glued themselves together... It was very confusing.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How can you tell if an arrow is nervous? See if it quivers.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call immigrants to Sweden? Artificial Swedeners

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the difference between jelly and jam? Santa doesn't jelly himself down the chimney on Christmas Eve.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb? Well it depends on what you mean by change.

  Tags: one-liners

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• [God-awful OC] What do you call someone who lets people rent wifi signals from them? The lanlord!

  Tags: one-liners

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• “A Beginner’s Guide to Boxing”. - By Bob Andweave

  Tags: one-liners

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• Call me geometry... Because when I become difficult, guys cheat on me.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• This power washer says you're supposed to wear safety goggles when you use it. I can't see why.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Just when you get really good at something, you don't need to do it any more.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt. I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• is it crazy how saying sentences backwards . . . . . .create backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Halfway to my dream of being a criminal lawyer! Now I just have to work on the lawyer part.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did Wendy do when Captain Hook frightened her? Peter Pans

  Tags: one-liners

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• Adam and Eve... were the first people to not read Apple's terms and conditions.

  Tags: one-liners

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• what do zombie cereal mascots say? graaaiiiins

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• My Local Pizza Place Just Folded. Now they serve Calzones.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My only talent is sleeping. I could do it with my eyes closed.

  Tags: one-liners

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• SpongeBob may be the main character in the show... ..but Patrick is the star.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The swordfish has no natural predators to fear from .except the penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I dated an English teacher for a few months, but it didn't work out. She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Someone told me they didn't like calculus. I told them their opinion would change over time.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Not all math puns are bad. Just sum

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call an excited fireplace? Stoked.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Back when I played hockey, they used to call me "the Titanic." I looked pretty good until I hit the ice.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• You remember those yardsticks? They don't make them any longer.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My buddy just lost his job at a cinema that only shows Pixar films... He forgot to show Up

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was watching a really good documentary about Quantum physics the other day. But I decided to stop watching in case I affected the outcome

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• What do you call a bald porcupine? Pointless.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is chess so difficult for British people? Cause they just lost the queen.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it's an anagram of 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not!

  Tags: one-liners

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• If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

  Tags: misc

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• My friend Oscar met Leonardo DiCaprio and told him a joke. He didn't get it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I use my cell phone as an alarm clock. I call it Veriz'n shine..

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a vampire’s shoulder blade? Count Scapula

  Tags: one-liners

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• Diplomacy: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

  Tags: misc

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• A man holding a large block of asphalt walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "A beer for me, and one for the road."

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why were all the computers in the company frozen? Because they let IT go

  Tags: one-liners

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• Today, when my son asked, "Can I have a book mark?" I burst into tears... 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Dave...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two sausages were in a pan.One sausage turns to the other and says, "Man, Its getting hot in here."The other sausage screams and says, "AH! A talking sausage!!"

  Tags: misc

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• Always go to other peoples funerals, or they wont come to yours.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you do if you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

  Tags: animal

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• An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.

  Tags: sports

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• Mosquitos consider most people as food, but grandma's an open bar.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Lots of people thought I was a fool for going into debt because I overspent on therapy sessions. But now I'm laughing all the way to the bank.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• I just grilled a chicken for 8 hours. And it still didn't tell me why it crossed the road.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The can was invented quite a while before the can opener.

  Tags: misc

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• Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the butcher

  Tags: animal

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• Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Communist jokes are not funny... unless everyone gets them

  Tags: one-liners

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• My phone fell from the 20th floor, good thing it was in airplane mode.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I took a video of my shoe yesterday. It was some pretty good footage

  Tags: one-liners

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• My new car has a reverse camera. It’s awesome. Since I got it, I haven’t looked back.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Whadda ya get when you cross an accountant with a giant jet airplane? A boring 747.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• How many IT people does it take to change a light bulb? Do you have a ticket for that?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's it called when you apologize using dots and dashes? Remorse code

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you know that you can fit any boat on your head like a hat, if you flip it over? That makes it cap sized

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you power a piano with a cable does it have a chord?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I got a prison tattoo of mitochondria. Now I truly am the powerhouse of the cell

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's E.T. short for? So he can fit in his spaceship.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Jokes about unemployed people are not funny... They just don't work.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If humans are at the top of the food chain... Cannibals are one step above.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Detective 1: I think the accountant did it. I found a calculator at the crime scen. Detective 2: that adds up

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I make money the old-fashioned way. My salary is the same as it was ten years ago.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I almost got busted for shoplifting candy today... But I got out of it. I've got a couple of twix up my sleeve.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My tennis career has taught me that I can be the best basketball player ever. Nothing but net

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Children certainly brighten up a home. Who ever saw a child under 12 turn off an electric light?

  Tags: children

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• Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours. A worst case scenario.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'll never forget the words of my late Grandfather... "Sorry I'm late."

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the Internet was a thing. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters, and they didn't know either

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've heard rumors acid is dangerous. Pretty sure they are baseless though.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you make holy water? You take ordinary tap water and boil the hell out of it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What ethnicity is Santa? North Poleish

  Tags: one-liners

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• English can be weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes. But thats Heinz sight.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"

  Tags: animal

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• How do you get a guitar player to stop playing? Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• My Grandfather invented the cold air balloon. It never really took off.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The price of balloons is said to rise. It's only logical with all the inflation.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why was the fraction skeptics about marrying the decimal? He was sure he would have to convert.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Watchmakers. Do you think watchmakers ever take a day off to unwind?

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you make a kleenex dance?You put a little boogie in it.

  Tags: misc

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• My drama professor said I had to write 5,000 words on Robert De Niro. I only managed three before his private bodyguards wrenched me off him.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My uncle has the heart of a lion, the eyes of a hawk, and the legs of a cheetah. He's also a trained taxidermist

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• The cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through (spoilers) Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said "Can I have a word?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you get when you cross a hurricane with a cruise ship full of 1990's boy bands? Washed up musicians.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body that is required on it.

  Tags: misc

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• If you watch Jeopardy backwards, it's about rich people paying money for answers to questions. That is all.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the light bulb say to the socket?I love you watts!!

  Tags: misc

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• How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday? It's already run out of battery.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it

  Tags: one-liners

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• She left him because he had a will of his own. And it wasn't made out to her!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do all the Norwegian military vessels have barcodes on the bow? So upon their return, they can Scandinavian

  Tags: one-liners

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• Apparenly, we all come from dust and return to dust. That's why I never dust, it could be somebody I know.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do british people pronounce it as bri'ish? They drank the T

  Tags: one-liners

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• I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th... Because I know how to reduce fractions unlike the rest of you morons.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call an elephant chasing a cat? Depends on what his name is.....

  Tags: animal

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• Why do spies never use capitalization? They like to stay low-key.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I use to eat natural foods, but then I found out that 65% of all people die of natural causes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin. Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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