Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do cannibals eat to freshen their breath? Men toes.

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• Boss: "You're fired." Me slam fist on the couch: "You woke me up for this?"

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl. Then she noticed me so we went for a run.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sometimes, when I'm cruising the city in a $200K vehicle, I lean back and think, "If the bus driver doesn't speed up I'll be late for work."

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, money

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• What do you get when you mix a cheetah and a rhino? A Cheeto

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Someone told me that if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea. All i got was 6 years for armed robbery.

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• Like most people my age, I'm 23. .

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• It's funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Why is the Australian emergency line is“000”? Because it’ll look the same when your phone is upside down.

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• If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd.. I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25

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• What did Saint Patrick say when he drove all the snakes out of Ireland? "Everyone got seat belts on back there?"

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• How many PETA members does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They can't change anything.

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• I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrnog.

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• Why didn't the volcano have any money? It went bank-erupt.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy googles "how to read a book".

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm anti-work but pro-paycheck so you see my dilemma.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, money

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• It's always a good idea to make friends with babies. That's free cake once a year for a lifetime.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• What did Montenegro’s internet domain say when it broke up from Yugoslavia? It’s not .yu it’s .me

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• What shape is your hair in the morning? A wrecktangle. (Made up by my 10 year old daughter :)

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• I always give 100 %... which is why I lost my job as an exam marker!

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• A depressed Storm Trooper goes to the bar for some jager shots. He goes home sober.

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• The city's top donut baker announced his retirement today. Apparently he'd grown tired of the hole business.

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• I don't care what you think you're good at, there's a 7-year-old kid on YouTube doing it better.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• How do you change the number of sides on a Pentagon? Intersect it with a plane.

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• Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."

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• I was going to tell a time travel joke... but you didn't like it.

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• I've never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.

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• What's an advantage of being Swiss? The flag is a big plus.

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• I am busy contemplating my future. Don't worry, this will only take a minute.

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• I never thought I'd buy into Feng Shui. But oh how the tables have turned.

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• What did the vegan say? I made a big missed steak.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my sat nav said, "In 400 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out."

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Teacher: "What is the value of Pi?" Student: "Depending on what pie. Usually is $12.99."

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Just quit my job at the helium factory. I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice.

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• I've never played the bagpipes but I have carried a screaming three-year-old toddler over my shoulder.

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• Sorry I'm late. I was trying to think of ways to get out of this.

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• Villain : Why is my calendar wrapped in aluminium? Superhero : I’ve foiled your plan.

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• If I have twin daughters, I'll name one Kate. And I'll name the other "DupliKate"

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• Real friends are those who, when you think you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job.

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• Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don't dress nice for him anymore.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football. Nobody expects the Spanish in position.

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• Albert Einstein was a genius and worthy of praise and study. His brother Frank was an absolute monster.

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• It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

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• A man walked into a bar... and it hurt!

  Tags: misc

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• When counting down, I can't stand negative numbers? I stop at nothing to avoid them.

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• According to my kids' Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• I am friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y

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• Children are the leading cause of old age.

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• Somebody actually complimented me on my parking today. They left a note on the windscreen. It said, "Parking fine", so that was nice.

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• I have a fear of elevators but I'm taking steps to avoid it.

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• Relationship Status: I'm a Rubik's Cube. Now try and figure me out.

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• Music makes every day better, especially if you turn it up just loud enough to drown out all the people around you.

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• Why is the word abbreviation so long?

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• What did the lacrosse stick say to the ball? "Catch ya later!"

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• I hate when people ask for likes... Like if you agree!

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.I am wearing a house.

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• Wow, that was embarrassing. I opened my fridge and saw my salad dressing.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Not bragging, but I made six figures last year, so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.

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• It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

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• I left my partner for a calculator. I needed someone I could count on

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• I got called pretty yesterday and it felt good! Actually, the full sentence was "You're pretty annoying." but I'm choosing to focus on the positive.

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• My friend told me that I don't understand the meaning of irony which was ironic because we were at a train station

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• How do farmers party? They turnip the beets.

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• I was assaulted by a man with a block of cheese. I mean, how dairy!

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• What's the stupidest animal in the jungle? The Polar bear.

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• What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can't helium then you curium and you barium.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I wanted to tell you all about a color I made up..... but, as it turns out, it was just a pigment of my imagination.

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• What did the explorer say when he spotted Antarctica? I see land.

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• Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

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• What's worse than finding a hole in your shoe? Finding a shoe in your hole.

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• What did Zelda tell Link when he couldn't open the door? TRIFORCE!

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• If at first you don't suceed...lower your standards!

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• Why don't fairies live under toadstools? Because there's not mushroom!

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• I'm not sure if I lost my camo pants or if they're just doing a really good job.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What's the difference between Leonardo Dicaprio and Sesame Street? Sesame Street has an Oscar.

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• To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

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• Why are pills white? Because they work.

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• I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

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• My parents, age 25: "We have a mortgage, a baby and a pension plan!" Me, age 25: "It's 3am and i can't afford an uber good thing i wore my running shoes!"

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Apple really is the most futuristic company out there. They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!

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• Where did the frugal judge sent the criminal? To the pennytentiary.

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• What part of your family can you see through? A transparent.

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• Did you hear about the pasta and its cooking water? Their relationship was strained.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I was arrested for drinking battery acid. But I wasn’t charged.

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• I used to be a baker but I couldn't make enough dough.

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• Student: Are well and actually both one syllable words. Teacher: Well yes , but actually no

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• Sure boss, I'd love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• This morning my alarm went off, I thought it's sell-by date was tomorrow.

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• Hi, how much for this torture device? Sir, that's a wedding ring.

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• I can sympathize with batteries. I never get included in anything either.

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• I saw my neighbour going outside again and again to check his mailbox. When I asked why is he doing that, he replied - My computer says I have got mail.

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• I've heard rumors acid is dangerous. Pretty sure they are baseless though.

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• Why aren't there any ducks in Portugal? They're all Portugeese

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• Hey baby, are you a GPU? Cause I wanna make you mine.

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• I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered - the chicken.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents? Because the rest of the letters are not-E.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?!"

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• What did the pirate say when he turned 80? 'Aye matey"

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• I heard a banana a day helps clean out the colon. I then found out you’re supposed to eat the banana.

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• How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic? You take the pizza delivery sign off

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• Why are Jedi so bad at rugby? Because there is no try.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• A kid said to his Dad, "In school I learned Pluto is in outerspace. But they didn't say where Mickey is."

  Tags: misc

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• My friend Jay recently had twin girls, and wanted to name them after him. So I suggested Kaye and Elle.

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• How come you're responsible if you do your taxes in March, but I'm crazy when I do my trick-or-treating in September?

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Opera: where somebody gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, sings.

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• What is the chemical composition of banana? Barium disodium

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• This fibonacci joke. is as bad as the last two you heard combined

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• What is a lacrosse players favorite type of car? A dodge!

  Tags: one-liners, animal, sports

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• My parents said that if I got a tattoo I'd have to get it in a place that didn't matter... So I got it in Appleton, Wisconsin.

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• This idiot on the treadmill at the gym. Just put a water bottle in the Pringles holder.

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• A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.

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• If I tell you I'm thinking about you, don't get too excited, because I'm also thinking about nachos.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Wanna hear a dirty joke? A boy fell in a mud puddle.

  Tags: puns

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• Why did the vegan cross the road? To tell someone he was a vegan.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's a horse's favorite sport? Stable Tennis.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, sports

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• A man holding a large block of asphalt walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "A beer for me, and one for the road."

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• A girl in a restaurant asked me "Are you single?". I happily replied "Yes" She took away the extra chair in front of me.

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• Engineers have successfully made a car that can run on parsley. They are now attempting to make trains that can run on thyme...

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• I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank... I have no words for how angry I am.

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• Which day do chickens hate the most? Friday.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.

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• Why is Antarctica the least corrupt continent? Because it has justice

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• How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday? It's already run out of battery.

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• Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.

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• How many ants does it take to rent a house? Ten ants

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• "I'm Bill Gates, today I'll teach you how to count to 10" 1, 2, 3, NT, 95, 98, 2000, Me, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10

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• I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Thieves broke into my shop and stole 15 cases of Red Bull. I don't know how these people sleep at night

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• Recently I heard about a vampire that was so mathematically challenged that he couldn't count Dracula!

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Why are divorces so expensive? Because they're worth it.

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• I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes. But thats Heinz sight.

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• Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?

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• Why did all the prisoners at the AT&T jail escape? Because they had no bars on their cells!

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• My life has been all downhill ever since that one day when I emerged from my mother's womb.

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• Whats the most pointless thing that actually exists? Circles.

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• Why did the Dog not answer the phone? Because of no collar ID

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• Cereal first or milk first? Neither. Bowl first.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Nobody knows, the never get to keep the house.

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• I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant. but then I changed my mind

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• Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate the headphone jack.

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• 90's kids won't get this 😂😂. Affordable housing prices

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• How does a snowman get around? He rides an icicle!

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• I signed up for a gym membership this year. So far I've managed to lose £200.

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• I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.. Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

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• I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite. It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.

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• What did the math text book say to the Shakespeare text book? Look, buddy, I've already got a lot of problems, and I really don't need any of your drama.

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• What do you call a broken square? A REKTangle

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• I hate making spelling mistakes. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

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• What do you call 2 broadway shows going out for dinner? Play date.

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• I'm single by choice. Unfortunately, it's not my choice.

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• What's the worst name for a chain of restaurants? Dominoes

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• What did Wendy do when Captain Hook frightened her? Peter Pans

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• What did the cable say when he was bullied by another cable? "Wire you so mean!"

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• What do you call something that looks like pasta, and tastes like pasta, but isn't pasta? An impasta.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam".

  Tags: animal

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• What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on New Year's Eve? He got 12 months!

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

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• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

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• The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• The only thing worse than seeing something done wrong is seeing it done slowly.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What did the plywood say to the 2x4? I’m board

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• Relationships are like Algebra... You look at your X and wonder Y.

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• What do you call a witch that only eats sand? Malnourished

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• What's the best place to grow flowers in school?... In the kindergarden.

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• Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I might drive you crazy, but at least I'll take the scenic route.

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• If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow -- even during a hurricane! -- here is a valuable tip: Your life is in trouble.

  Tags: sports

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• What is an astronaut's favorite key on a keyboard? Space!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Seminar "How to avoid frauds" is canceled. Tickets are non-refundable.

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• My bank account was hacked!!! The hacker was so disappointed, he started a fundraiser for me.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• What do you call a man who is in debt? Owen

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig? Ones a heated yam, and the other’s a yeeted ham.

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• Back in my day, we didn't watch TV while we ate dinner. We actually talked to each other. It was awful.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If homework goes too easy you are doing it wrong.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Want to hear a REALLY dirty joke?

  Two white horses fell in the mud and three came out.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does George Washington have in common with Aunt Petunia from Harry Potter? They both went to Mount Vernon.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When I went to Japan on vacation, I didn't see a single ninja. Impressive.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the beach say as the tide came in? Long time no sea.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I threw a ball for my dog... It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Teacher: "Which book has helped you the most in your life?" Student: "My father's check book!"

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• I don’t like the word xenophobia. It sounds so foreign.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I may be bad at telling jokes, but... I am amazing at clickbait.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Has anyone heard about the cemetery for alcoholics? It's haunted by spirits.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two men walk into a bar. The third man ducks.

  Tags: misc

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• Pay no attention to the elephant in the room: it's ir-elephant.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle? It’s Eeleagle

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is antarctica the smartest continent? Because only scientist live there

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you replace your morning coffee with green tea ..... You can lose up to 87% of what little joy you have left in your life.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• What did one plate say to the other? "Lunch is on me."

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• I can't believe that viruses and bacteria would just invade my body without a permission. That makes me sick

  Tags: one-liners

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• My dad used to say "Always fight fire with fire." Probably explains why he was thrown out of the Fire Service.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I finally understand how batteries feel. Because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Video game are cool because they let you experience fantasies. For example, in the Sims, you have a job and a house

  Tags: one-liners

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• The other day I had was in a heated debate about circles. It was a pointless argument.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just found the worst page in the entire dictionary What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a bear that has been to Antarctica and the North Pole? A bipolar bear

  Tags: one-liners

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• The skeleton walked into the bar and asked, "Can I have a beer and a mop?"

  Tags: bar

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• A man was drinking the blood of a vampire... He said, "Hm, irony"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours. A worst case scenario.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a fish with no eye? FSH

  Tags: one-liners

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• A quarter, dime and penny walk into a bar... Just wait this joke is going to make a lot of cents.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words... Lazy

  Tags: one-liners

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• “Queue” sounds like “q” followed by 4 silent letters, but... They’re just waiting their turn.

  Tags: one-liners

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• All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "Fortnite" is a terrible name for a game. It's too weak.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My teacher always used to tell me that double negatives are a real no-no.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

  Tags: puns

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• Mary had a little lamb, fries and a coke.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Interviewer: "We're looking for someone who is responsible." Me: "A lot of things went wrong at my last job and everyone said I was responsible. "

  Tags: one-liners

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• It's incredible how many French words are now used in the English language. There's 'Hors D'oeuvres' for starters.

  Tags: one-liners

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• One of my coworkers got fired for putting dangerous substances in the products. I don’t think it was completely his fault though. He did asbestos he could.

  Tags: one-liners

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• In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees. I know, because I kept a log.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you're not part of the solution... You're part of the precipitate.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Courtesy of my 7 year old - What happens if you don't eat a balanced diet? You will tip over

  Tags: one-liners

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• I think the most exciting thing about being an adult is never knowing what part of your body is going to hurt the next day

  Tags: one-liners

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• I hate lying people, they're always in my way to the ocean.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm starting to think cyber security is at the same level as mall security

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Why doesn't the bike stand by itself? Because it's two tired.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Once the bulb goes out, they replace the house.

  Tags: one-liners

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• With great power comes a great electricity bill. Watt a powerfull message.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sign at an office: Would the person who removed the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

  Tags: misc

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• Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn't jump at all.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• No matter what they say, you matter. Unless you get multiplied by the speed of light squared. Then you Energy

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where do you find a birthday present for a cat? In a cat-alogue!

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I can't play loud music on any instrument. It's just not my forte.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you say " 'sup dawg" in Japanese? Konichihuahua

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why was Anakin Skywalker rejected for a credit card? Because he applied for a MasterCard.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wish conversations were like user agreements where I could skip to the end and just agree.

  Tags: one-liners

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• To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Got a ceiling fan? Put some little piles of talcum powder on top of the blades and wait for somebody to turn it on. It'll be snowing indoors.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two slices of bread got married. The ceremony was going quite well until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Sometimes I just tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll

  Tags: one-liners

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• When is it legal to trick people to go into massive debt to pay for a useless thing with no refund? When you're selling a bachelor degree in sophistry.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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