Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. All he has to do is hold it in place while the world revolves around him.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I got drunk and drew up a graph showing all of the relationships I've ever had. It had an ex axis, and a why axis.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the best place to grow flowers in school?... In the kindergarden.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Which side of a cheetah has the most spots? The outside.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the new name for a taxi in Oshakati? A computer. Why? It has windows, always crashes, & is driven by a thin black floppy with a virus.

  Tags: misc

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• How do Disney princesses screw in a lightbulb? They hold the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them

  Tags: one-liners

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• I went to the doctors recently He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty” I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”. He said, “No. Fatty, don’t eat anything."

  Tags: one-liners

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• I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it. It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I get interviewed by a police sketch artists, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I'm making him draw a pirate.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My dad asked me the other day: "Are you even listening to me?" Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you make a kleenex dance?You put a little boogie in it.

  Tags: misc

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• When you don't know, what you are doing, it's best, to do it quickly.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't believe in reincarnation, which is strange, because in a previous existence, I did.

  Tags: one-liners

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• So this Limbo Champion walks into a bar... and was immediately disqualified.

  Tags: one-liners

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• i think the story of Noah's life was a bit boring. But it did have a nice arc

  Tags: one-liners

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• Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic? The Air Force; they're US AF

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the difference between jelly and jam? Santa doesn't jelly himself down the chimney on Christmas Eve.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "Fortnite" is a terrible name for a game. It's too weak.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do they call Jury Duty in Australia? Didgereedooty

  Tags: one-liners

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• Student: I'll never be good at geography. Geography teacher: Not with that latitude!

  Tags: one-liners

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• In a place without geometry life is pointless.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• "Raccoons"? Oh, you mean garbage pandas?

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• why does sour cream have an expiry date?

  Tags: deep-thoughts

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• I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people. But none of them work

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you ask me what my favorite rock band is and I'm being subjective, I'd say The Who. If I was being objective, I'd say it was The Whom.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do the Backstreet Boys and Algebra teachers have in common? They both want you to tell them Y.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Why can't a Samsung be disguised as an iPhone? Because eventually, its cover would be blown.

  Tags: one-liners

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• After some investigation, I discovered some cracks in the hearth of my fireplace. In other words, it’s having a mantle breakdown

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I got 50¢ for every math test I've failed. I would have $7.20 by now

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you... I feel fine and I just had a really tasty leg of salmon...

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat? Banned from the zoo.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't understand why people are celebrating pi day. It's irrational.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What happened when the dog went to the flea circus ? He stole the show !

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• How do teddy bears keep their den cool in summer? They use bear conditioning!

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• My math teacher called me average... How mean.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue? It was about a week back.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? Because it might crack up!

  Tags: one-liners

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• If mummies are from egypt, then where are daddies from?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just checked my account balance at the ATM. It printed me a coupon for ramen noodles

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• God finally answer my prayers for winning the $15 million lottery. The answer is no.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon. Neil before me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you ever feel your job is meaningless... Just remember that it's somebody's job to install turn signals to BMW's

  Tags: one-liners

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• Which hotel chain does Link prefer? HYAAAATT!!!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What kind of cigarettes do hippies smoke? Yours.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Here's a joke for the lock pickers. A key that opens any lock is a master key but a lock that opens with any key is a masterlock

  Tags: one-liners

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• I spent £80 taking my son to see the cricket today. Eighty quid and all it did was hop about and chirrup.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't want you to feel like you can't express yourself, but I do want you to stop talking.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A large group of other people's children is called a "Nope".

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a cheetah that's been eaten? Fast food.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• It's not often that one gets the opportunity to speak about someone intelligent, respected and admired. Unfortunately tonight I have to talk about (NAME).

  Tags: one-liners

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• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them? So when they dock they can Scandinavian.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Don't join the new TESCO dating service, my mate did and he ended up with a bag for life.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I recently got sick at the airport, my doctor says it's a terminal illness.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is Valentine's Day the best day for a celebration? Because you can really party hearty!

  Tags: one-liners

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• The Nintendo 64 turned 18 today. Now you can legally blow the cartridges.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Password looks at itself in the mirror: "Don't listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password."

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Everybody laughed at me when I said I was going to be a standup comedian. They're not laughing now.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where do admins go for summer break? Banned camp.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I entered a my pet snail into a race and removed its shell thinking it would make it faster... Unfortunately, it only made it more sluggish.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. I've been doing nothing for years.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If the Colts' QB was on your fantasy football roster. You're officially out of Luck this season.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was going to make a joke about blunt blades... But I don't see the point.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why didn't the volcano have any money? It went bank-erupt.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Why do hockey rinks have curved corners? Because if they were 90 degrees, the ice would melt.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Having nutrition information on a bag of Cheetos is like having dating tips on a box of Crocs.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where can you still get gas for $1.39? Taco Bell

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the Easter egg hide? Because he was a little chicken!

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Nobody ever asks how Coca-Cola is doing... It's always, "Is Pepsi okay?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• what's a zombie's favorite cereal? Brain Flakes

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a horse who expresses negative views? A Naysayer.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Man Runs In Front Of Car, He Gets Tired. Man Runs Behind Car, He Gets Exhausted.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What’s the difference between a physicist and a physician? A physicist is busy before firing a catapult; the physician is busy after.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why can’t the Minnesota Vikings eat cereal for breakfast? They choke when they get too close to a bowl.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The first step to causing drama is making sure you tell everyone you hate drama.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Dates a zombie: so someone finally likes me for my brain.

  Tags: one-liners

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• too much to pay for corn ([a] buck an ear)

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do people ask me if I'm "hiding", if I was hiding you wouldn't see me!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a cow spying on another cow? A steak out

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where do sick boats go to get healthy? To the dock!

  Tags: one-liners, medical

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• I was putting mustard on my sandwich and I had that strange feeling I had already done that. I was experiencing De'-Jonvu!

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Is your refrigerator running? Because I'd vote for it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you know when Santa's in the room? You can sense his presents.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did Goku cross the road? Find out next time on Dragonball Z!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Today I ended a long term relationship. I don't really care though, it wasn't mine.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend tries to impress girls by drawing realistic pictures of a Ford F-150. He’s ....a pickup artist.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I had a scary math joke... But I'm 2^2 to say it

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many retirees to change a light bulb? Only one, but it might take all day.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• A gymnast walks into a bar... She is then deducted five points.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two introverts walk into a room... One leaves

  Tags: one-liners

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• The Calbuco volcano is very hot right now... But everything around it is Chile.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• You’ll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor! Everybody.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'll never use that dictionary again... The definition it gave for "obfuscate" was confusing and misleading.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear what happened to the big game taxidermist who fell behind on his debt? His deer rear career is in arrears

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• If anything is possible, is it possible for something to be impossible?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners? Not a fan.

  Tags: one-liners

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• There's a little-known, but foolproof defense against sharks. Sharks will only attack you if you're wet.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you milk sheep? With iPhone accessories.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting between two identical twins. It was impossible to differentiate between them.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• The reward for a job well done is more work.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I went to a wedding the other day. Two antennas were getting married. It wasn't much of a wedding ceremony, but it was one heck of a reception!

  Tags: puns

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• I own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works. He used to chew on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...

  Tags: one-liners

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• The word 'nothing' is a palindrome. 'Nothing' reversed is 'Gnihton' which also means nothing

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is a doctor always calm? Because it has a lot of patients.

  Tags: one-liners, medical

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• If I had a nickel for every bread pun. I'd have a pun-per-nickel.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• rudeness - someone who keeps talking while your are trying to interrupt.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why can’t you play basketball with a sovereign citizen? They are always traveling

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• While I was shopping, I saw an ad in a window. It said, “Television for $1, volume stuck on full.”. There’s no way I can turn that down.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you get when you cross a hurricane with a cruise ship full of 1990's boy bands? Washed up musicians.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• I just finished a documentary on beavers. Best dam movie I've ever seen.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You can't run through a camp ground. You can only ran, because it's past tents.

  Tags: one-liners

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• This idiot on the treadmill at the gym. Just put a water bottle in the Pringles holder.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Your family tree must be a cactus ... Because everyone on it is a prick.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Think you know everything about the letter t? That's just the half of it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine? To stop his coffin.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

  Tags: misc

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• What do you call a gigachad UX designer? Figma male

  Tags: one-liners

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• Birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• EA's microtransaction policy is so bad that... [This punchline is locked. Please pay 20,000 credits to unlock]

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do cannibals eat to freshen their breath? Men toes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight. Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do the English do immediately after winning the FIFA World Cup? Turn off the Playstation.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My kid says he came up with this one: A guy goes to interview for IKEA... The manager says “Welcome! Come in and make a seat.”

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the otter want to work at NASA? So he could go to Otter Space.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Ebay needs to step their game up. I searched for a cigarette lighter and 15,000 matches came up.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why call someone when you can just decide where you and your friend want to meet by exchanging 76 text messages?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do they call them "apartments" when they're so close together?

  Tags: misc

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• The king had a powerful army. He reined for 7 years before clearing the clouds!!!

  Tags: puns

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• If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I read the dictionary the other day. At the start you think it’s the aardvark, but by the end it turns out the zebra did it.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What do you call a stupid grain? A half wheat!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What kind of math do fish like? ALGAE-bra

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The best time to open a gift is the present.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I had a dime for every time I didn't understand what's going on. I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wasn't sure that Netflix would ever find success producing their own content. Then again... Stranger Things have happened.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Do you know how to avoid clickbait? Obviously not

  Tags: one-liners

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• It's good to learn from other's mistakes, I wish people learn something from me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I find it very offensive when people get easily offended.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do sharks eat underwater internet cables? They were advised to have more fiber in their diet.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Lance is an uncommon name nowadays. But in medieval times people were named Lance a lot.

  Tags: one-liners

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• One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my salad?"

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• My Grandfather invented the cold air balloon. It never really took off.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many Tenors does it take to screw in a Lightbulb? Trick Question. They only think they can reach that high.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do Clowns and moldy bread have in common? They both taste funny.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• "Where do you see yourself in five years?" "I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision."

  Tags: one-liners

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• There's this dyslexic guy... he walked into a bra...

  Tags: bar

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• I have a hemp welcome mat. Some view it as a gateway rug.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you power a piano with a cable does it have a chord?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've seen a meteor shower, but never seen a meteor take a bath.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I took a video of my shoe yesterday. It was some pretty good footage

  Tags: one-liners

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• 5 years from now it'll be 2020... I can see it now... That's a perfect vision joke.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A Serbian tennis player walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of Djok?"

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb? Why does it have to be a group activity?

  Tags: one-liners

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• My bank has a new feature where they'll text you your bank balance. I think it's pretty cool. I just don't think they should end the text with "LOL", though.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Why do soccer players do so well in math? They know how to use their heads!

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Your so boring, if you threw a boomerang, it wouldn't come back to you.

  Tags: misc

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• Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

  Tags: misc

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• If the earth really is flat. Wouldn't cats have pushed everything off the edge by now?

  Tags: one-liners

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• The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision. I can just see it now.

  Tags: one-liners

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• No Déjà vu please...I Don't want to go through that again

  Tags: one-liners

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• Everything happens for a reason; unfortunately, sometimes the reason is you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Love is a lot like algebra... You look at your X and try to figure out Y.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My calculator is really reliable. I can always count on it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do they say "be there or be square"? because if you are square, you are not around.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you were 8 years old when “Red Red Wine” was released. UB40 now

  Tags: one-liners

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• Fun fact: Australia's biggest export is boomerangs. It's also their biggest import.

  Tags: one-liners

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• 90s kids won't get this . . . Social Security benefits.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How to avoid clickbait? clearly, you wouldn't know...

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did one hamburger bun say to the other hamburger bun? Nothing. They had beef between them.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A man walks into a bank wearing a mask. Everyone freaks out. “Relax” he says, “I’m just here to rob the place”

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wonder if Buzz and woody had ever met Andy's mom's toys. They probably have the same names

  Tags: one-liners

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• I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What did the scientist said after mixing oxygen and magnesium? O Mg

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I hate sports like cricket and baseball because all you do is hit and run over and over. if I wanted to hit and run I'd get in a car

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Peter Mayhew will be reprising his role as Chewbacca in the next Star Wars movie! They said they wanted to cast the role to a veteran rather than a wookiee.

  Tags: one-liners

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• English can be weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my sat nav said, "In 400 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out."

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• How does an elephant climb a tree? It stands on an acorn and waits for it to grow.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I'm so bad my imaginary friend left me.

  Tags: misc

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• Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.

  Tags: misc

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• Shout out to the people asking what the opposite of in is.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I hate Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context." Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."

  Tags: one-liners

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• I eat the broken cookies first because I feel bad for them.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How does a coat steal something? They jacket

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where do bad gymnasts go? Behind parallel bars!

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• What has 100 legs but can't walk? 50 pairs of pants.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you're forgetting.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

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• What animal has exactly 12 grams of carbon? A mole

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• What's the most useful material? Scratch. You can make anything from scratch.

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• If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

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• What's the capital of Greece? About 5 euros.

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• Why did princess peach begin to choke? Because Mario came down the wrong pipe

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• If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

  Tags: family-parents

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• I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered - the chicken.

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• What question does a pencil ponder on? 2B or not 2B

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• A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.

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• What did the Valentine's Day card say to the stamp? Stick with me and you'll go places.

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• A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• When I noticed "HI" in the alphabet I thought I had made a new friend? But then I saw the next two letters.

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• War not determine who right, war determine who left.

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• How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? Look for the fresh prints.

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• Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble but... shouldn't that be an even number?

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• How many american rugby fans does it take to change a lightbulb? Both of them

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• Someone keyed the music teacher’s car. Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park. It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .

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• Why does the Norwegian military have barcodes on its ships? So when they return to the harbor they can Scandinavian.

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• My ex-gf invited me to her wedding. Told her I was busy, will be there next time

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• Had a conversation with a Miner about the effects it had on the environment. The conversation got rocky.

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• What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on New Year's Eve? He got 12 months!

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• I'm getting a little tired of these people coming to my door telling me I need to be "saved" or "I'll burn"... Stupid firefighters.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Someone asked me what the 9th letter of the Alphabet was. It was a complete guess, but I was right.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I hate jokes about prom. The punch line is always too long.

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• If Satan lost his hair there would be hell toupé.

  Tags: one-liners

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