What was 50 Cent's daughter named? Penny!
Tags: puns
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What was 50 Cent's daughter named? Penny!
Tags: puns
PermalinkThis is a true story told to me. A big city news anchor is driving along the freeway when his young son asks him, "Daddy, what does motherf____r mean?" He turns to his son, "That's a really bad word, don't ever say that again. Where did you learn that?!?!?" His son answers innocently, "Well, that's what you just said about that car you said cut you off."
Tags: children
PermalinkHow many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They like to keep their clients in the dark!
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkKnock-knock Who's there? Boo! Boo who? Don't cry it's just a joke
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkSign seen on a maternity-ward door: Push! Push! Push!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA man applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor. As soon as the man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the envelope. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor Personnel Office."
Tags: at-work
PermalinkThe only person in our town who can afford to go on a jaguar is a zoo-keeper.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common? A. No ball room
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a careful wolf? Aware wolf.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkQ: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change. A: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkAccept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA lovely young lady named Kim Went down to the river to swim A man in a punt Stuck an oar in her eye And now she has to wear glasses.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: What is orange, red, and lies in the grass? A: A wounded cheesie!
Tags: misc
PermalinkJoe: When I would wear my hand-me-downs to school, all of the boys would make fun of me. Moe: What did you do?Joe: I hit them over the head with my purse.
Tags: misc
PermalinkHere are two pick up lines: "Are you a Abercrombie model? Your not?!?!? You so should be!!" or "My friend (insert friend name here) thinks we should go out. Wanna?"
Tags: one-liners
Permalink"Hey Sean, I've got a job lined up for you, can you turn up tomorrow, about tenish?" "Tennish? I don't even have a racket"
Tags: puns
PermalinkDuck #1: Quack Duck #2: Quack Duck #3: Quack Quack Duck #1 takes out a gun and shoots Duck #3. Duck #2: "Why did you shoot him?" Duck #1: "He knew too much."
Tags: animal
PermalinkQ: What did Jane say to Tarzan when she saw the elephants coming? A: Here come the plums; she was color blind.
Tags: animal
PermalinkIrvin is driving down the freeway to go to work when his cell phone rings. It's his wife: "Irving,I just heard on the news that there's a car going down the freeway in the wrong direction. Please try to be careful." "It's true,"Irving replies,"But not just one car- there are hundreds of them!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: What to you call it when your pet jackrabbit dies? A: A bad "Hare" day
Tags: animal
PermalinkSigns That You've Been Out Of College Too Long
Tags: science
PermalinkKnock knock. Who's there? He. He who? He who must not be named, so don't say it!
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkYou are a big animal that is big.
Tags: animal
PermalinkA student said to Professor Stigler: "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.
Tags: at-work
PermalinkOK, let's consider the physical evidence. The moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the Earth every year. Do the math and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs; the tallest ones, anyway
Tags: animal
PermalinkIf someone says, "A penny for your thoughts,", and you give them your two cents worth, what happens to the other penny?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAccording to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight. The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign. The vibration stopped immediately. A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.
Tags: misc
PermalinkA teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy. So she said, "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?" "Somebody else's pants." the boy replied.
Tags: children
PermalinkWhat has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Tags: misc
PermalinkKnock Knock? Who's there? Megan Megan who? Makin a list chekin it twice gonna find out who's naughty or nice.
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkNever forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
Tags: misc
PermalinkI believe in evolution and if you don't I will let you meet my relatives.... Then you'll believe me
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat is this movie about? It is about 2 hours long.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkQ: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb? A: Many hands make light work.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkRace is just a pigment of the imagination.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a blonde at a University?A visitor.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: Why do people have small dogs? A: So they can carry them in their bags, and when the person farts, they can blame it on the dog.
Tags: animal
PermalinkDOCTOR: "Do you smoke or drink?" PATIENT: "I didn't know I had a choice."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ: Why do Hondas and Hyundais have standard rear-window defoggers? A: So your hands don't get cold when you're pushing them. Q: What is the difference between a Porsche and a Porcupine? A: With a Porsche, the pricks are on the inside.
Tags: tech
PermalinkWhat's round and hard and sticks so far out of a man's pajamas you can hang a hat on it? His head!
Tags: misc
PermalinkSo, what did one Bowling pin say to the other Bowling pin? ............................ Hey, you're a knock out!
Tags: misc
PermalinkMy geometry tutor told me, "A six-sided polygon is called a hexagon, a five-sided one is called a pentagon." "What about two sided ones?" I asked. "They don't exist," was his response. "I beg to differ! I think we should just let bi-gons be bi-gons."
Tags: puns
PermalinkA girl was throwing stones at a cow. Her father came & scolded her for throwing the stones at the cow & then told to her that cows are like mothers to them & should be respected. Next day guests come to their to their house & asked for her father. She said "Father is pressing breast of mother".
Tags: children
PermalinkA kid said to his Dad, "In school I learned Pluto is in outerspace. But they didn't say where Mickey is."
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ:How many egotists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A:Just one. He holds up the lightbulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkHow do you comfort a designer? You give them some space... between the elements.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkAfter picking up food for his daughter's cat, George spied a new bowl for the pet and grabbed it too. "Shall I have the cat's name written on the side of the bowl?" offered the store owner. "No, don't bother," replied George. "He can't read anyway."
Tags: animal
PermalinkThis is the worst joke ever. Give it no smiley face.
Tags: misc
PermalinkJt/xmktp?akhjgp/uqpuRujgrt/pvP/tq/tkHqtjhqtjb!)<(]{,twmjtwmjtwmkadnjgptkgptjafmjipV9mkBRiECl88888888888888888888888888888888888888887777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777I won at the slots! modge???? i m ?!?! bubbye *cheffy!=
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkWhat did the late tomato say to the early tomato? I’ll ketch up
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkI bought a book called "How to Hug," and when I got it home, found it was volume 7 of an encyclopedia. I phoned the gym, and asked if they could teach me to do the splits. The girl asked if I was flexible, and I said I couldn't do Tuesdays.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI lent a friend of mine $5000 for plastic surgery. I can't get it back, because now I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI started a new business making yachts in my attic this year... The sails are going through the roof.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkMy grandson is four and can recite the whole Gettysburg Address. Abraham Lincoln couldn't do it until he was fifty-four. - Sam Levenson.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
Tags: children
PermalinkIf your father is a poor man, it's your fate. But, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkLady: How do I spread love in this cruel world? Random Dude: [...💘]
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkYour dad's bald spot is so big you could draw an H on it and call it a helicopter landing pad.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat's the difference between pokemon and pokewomon? poke balls
Tags: misc
PermalinkI was walking down the road and saw a sign which read, "SIDEWALK AHEAD CLOSED. PLEASE USE OTHER SIDE OF ROAD". Oooh, it made me cross!
Tags: puns
PermalinkThe judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support." "Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself."
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy are Democrats better than Republicans in bed? You've never heard of getting a good piece of elephant, have you?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThere's this guy he goes to see the doctor and says, "Doctor, Doctor, I have a terrible problem. I have a strawberry stuck up my bottom." The doctor says, "It's ok, I'll give you some cream to put on it."
Tags: medical
PermalinkQ :whats the best thing about children? A :making them!!
Tags: children
PermalinkQ: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. That's a software problem. A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkAny wire cut to length will be too short.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it'd be a foot!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkFinding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith, the Sunday School teacher, smiling sweetly said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that I made ugly an face, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
Tags: children
PermalinkWhat do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence? Utter destruction.
Tags: animal
PermalinkJoe: Do you know the difference between a chicken and lettuce? Jill: No. Joe: Remind me not to send you to the supermarket!
Tags: misc
PermalinkTwo young cowboys - aged six and four - walked into the pretend bar for a drink. The older cowboy thumped his fist on the pretend bar and said to the pretend bartender, "Bartender, gimme a rye whiskey!" The younger cowboy was not to be outdone. "Yeah, and make mine a whole wheat!"
Tags: children
PermalinkKnock knock Who's there? can't catch. can't catch who? me, you can't catch me!
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkAs we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTwo bees in their hive on a lovely summer day, and one says to the other, "'Swarm in here, isn't it?"
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhat did the traffic light say to the car as it passed? Don't look I'm changing!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkMy wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkOne day, 15 year old Christy came home from shopping with her Auntie Kim and Auntie Flo. Christy says to her 6 year old sister, "Auntie Kim has bad taste, but Auntie Flo has good taste." Her sister then says, "How do you know? Have you bitten them before?"
Tags: children
PermalinkWhat do birds give out on Halloween? Tweets.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhy is the word abbreviation so long?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkLittle Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."
Tags: children
PermalinkWe are rated with RSAC i, SafeSurf TM Rated.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA guy walks into a psychiatrist's office covered only in Saran Wrap. He says to the doctor, "I've felt so weird lately, Doc, can you tell me what's wrong?" The doctor replied, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkA woman went to her psychiatrist and said, "Doctor, I want to talk to you about my husband. He thinks he's a refrigerator. " "That's not so bad," said the doctor. "It's a rather harmless complex. " "Well, maybe," replied the lady. "But he sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake along with the chillness. "
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy didn't the chicken cross the road? To prove he was chicken!
Tags: animal
PermalinkYou might be a redneck if you have to haul a paint can to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.
Tags: misc
PermalinkThe Blonde walked into a bar. The Brunette used the door. The redhead actually OPENED the door, and the Asian actually WENT THROUGH the door.
Tags: bar
PermalinkTwo drunks get thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, "I sure wish I could do that!" The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first."
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhy did the tent agree to stand up all night? He was roped into it!
Tags: puns
Permalink3 year old kid: "Guess what? Daddy got you a pway-station!" 7 year old kid: "Really??!! Where is it?" 3 year old: "It's in p-one mile!"
Tags: children
PermalinkJerry: So you have both a nice mommy and a pretty mommy? Steve: Yup. They're lesbians.
Tags: children
PermalinkWhat goes 99-clump, 99-clump, 99-clump? A centipede with a wooden leg.
Tags: animal
PermalinkI love it when you go down on me... you relieve so much tension and stress... but when you're making me feel really good, you come back up... Stupid gas prices...
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. There never was any light bulb. Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkIn the morning elephants put springs on their feet and jump around the jungle. Now the most fearsome sound to a monkey is "Boing Boing"
Tags: animal
PermalinkQ. What do you call a chicken that crosses the road rolls in dirt and comes back? A. dirty double crosser
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS: "I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."
Tags: at-work
Permalink"I'm having trouble with this new hearing aid," said the man to his audiologist. "Really? Can you describe the symptoms?" "Sure. Homer is fat and yellow, Marge has blue hair..."
Tags: medical
PermalinkWarning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQuestion: If the world was a jacket where would the people from the ghetto go? Answer:In da Hood!
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: Why isn't there a pro football team in Flint, Michigan? A: Because then Detroit would want one too!
Tags: sports
PermalinkThe chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow many George Walter Bushes does it take to change a lightbulb? Luckily, only 2. The world can't handle many more idiots.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkGary: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test. Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.
Tags: college
PermalinkQ: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb? A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkNever accept a drink from a urologist, nor a friendly handshake from a proctologist.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkKids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Tags: misc
PermalinkChildren in the back of the car cause accidents. Accidents in the back of the car cause children
Tags: children
PermalinkGood: You & Your wife decide not to have kids. Bad: Your wife can't find the birth control pills Ugly: You daughter borrowed them.
Tags: misc
PermalinkIf you're fat. can you still disapear into thin air? If you're fat, can you still have slim chances of doing something?
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat's the difference between a Mexican and a Bench? A bench can support a whole family.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat biscuit does a short person like? Shortbread.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkTwo guys are in the woods camping out when a bear attacks them. While the bear sniffs around the food, the first guy starts lacing up his sneakers. The second guys goes, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear!" The first guy replies, "I dont need to; I only have to outrun you."
Tags: misc
PermalinkA biologist, a psychologist, and a mathematician were sitting in a bar drinking coffee.Across the street, they watch as 2 people walk into the house, and then 3 people come out."They must have reproduced!" cries the biologist."It can't be physically done!" cries the psychologist."You guys are both wrong" says the mathematician. "Now there are negative one person in the house.
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow can you tell an elephant from an ant? An ant is easier to pick up!
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkTwo men were fishing in a pond one day and all of a sudden a funeral recession went by. One of the men stood up, took off his hat and stood there until it went completely by. The other guy said "You know that was really descent of you to do that". So the other guy said "Yeh, its the least I could do, after all I've been married to the woman for 30 years".
Tags: men
PermalinkWhat do you call a stupid garbage can? A Dumb-ster!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkLet's see if I understand the state of personal responsibility in the America of the 1990s.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkIt may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkKnock Knock! Who's there? Little boy blue. Little Boy Blue who? Micheal Jackson!!!!!
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkWhat do you call a fly without wings? A walk.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkPatient: "It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth." Dentist: "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."
Tags: at-work
PermalinkWhat do you call a a bunch of fish swimming in the sky?? A High School!!!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThere were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm." The other cow replies, "Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."
Tags: farmers
PermalinkShort naps prevent aging, especially if taken while driving.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhen you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Tags: misc
PermalinkOne day, Johnny saw his dad got caught on fire. Immeaditly he went to his mom saying, "Mom, mom hurry, dad's on fire, and I brought the marshmellows!" Another day a lady came to the door asking for things for the old peoples fund. Johnny yelled from the doorway to his mom, "Hey mom, there's this person asking for the old peoples fund, shall I give them grandma?"
Tags: children
PermalinkHow many worms does it take to screw in a light bulb? What kind of an idiot thinks worms can screw in light bulbs?!
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhy did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
Tags: puns, classic
PermalinkOpera: where somebody gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, sings.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf a man is talking in the woods, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
Tags: misc
PermalinkI went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. "No," he said, "the steaks are too high."
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhen I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15."
Tags: misc
PermalinkLittle Brother: How long is a strong? Big Sister: Huh? Little Brother: Well, I've heard of a week...
Tags: puns
PermalinkHow can a person living in Minnesota be buried in Milwaukee?
Tags: misc
PermalinkHave you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkQ. How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb? A. You send us the prize money and we'll tell you the answer.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkHow many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb? 1 or 2? 1... or 2?
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkA plane was flying from New York to Canada. The plane crashes right on the border line. Where do you burry the survivors? They don't because they are survivors, therefor they never died.
Tags: misc
PermalinkBeer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy couldn't the skeleton cross the road?Because he didn't have the guts.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat do you call ten blondes standing in a line?A windtunnel
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat do you get when you cross a React developer with a mathematician? A function component.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkEver wondered why bees hum? It's because they don't know the words.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhat do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless! P.S. This works for just about any instrument player.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThere are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. There are more chickens than people in the world. There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewable Vitamins.
Tags: misc
PermalinkThe following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:
Tags: misc
PermalinkA little girl and a little boy were at day care. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts." "Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what you mean." The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
Tags: children
PermalinkI hope you never get a tetanus shot; maybe you'll windup with lockjaw.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWear tank tops and support your right to bare arms.
Tags: puns
PermalinkQ: What do you call a non-churchgoer? A: A Seventh-Day Absentist
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIt has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.
Tags: business
PermalinkA guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy." His friend replies, "How's that?" "It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."
Tags: at-work
PermalinkIf at first you don't succeed ... avoid skydiving.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral. -- Robert Orben
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkEarlier today, I took a glimpse at the news. They were doing a report on a new recipe for twinkies. Now they will taste healthier, but still have the same amount of calories, because of course, people can taste health.
Tags: misc
PermalinkThe landlady asked me if I minded making my own bed. I said I didn't and she said great there's a hammer and nails in the corner.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA woman gets into a cab and gives the cab driver an address all the way across town. When they arrive, the woman says, "I have no money."The cabbie says, "I have to get paid."The woman raises her dress and asks, "Will this do?"The cabbie says, "Don't you have anything smaller?"
Tags: misc
PermalinkA man was driving down an Alaskan road and his car broke down. He phoned the Alaskan Mobile Fixit Service and they arrived shortly after. He service man opened the bonnet and after a while the repair man said " It looks like you've blown a seal ", the man replies "No, it's just frost on my moustache."
Tags: misc
PermalinkThe road by my house was in bad condition. Every day, I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning. Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. Where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words, "Rough Road."
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat's the worst part about being a cross-eyed teacher? They can't control their pupils.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkHow are women and a tornado alike? They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat has ears but cannot hear? A field of corn.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkThe secret to enjoying a good wine is: 1 - Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2 - When it does not breathe, give it mouth-to-mouth
Tags: bar
PermalinkQ. Why was the Chunnel built under the English Channel? A. So the French government could to flee to London.
Tags: misc
PermalinkCan you decipher this phrase? EHCA Backache!
Tags: animal
Permalink"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.""That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
Tags: men
PermalinkWhy does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWays To Annnoy Your Roommate Become a mime. Nothing is more annoying than a mime. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks." Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
Tags: misc
PermalinkMaybe it's true that life begins at 40. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget. Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy did the penny become angry with the nickel? Because the nickel was a "penny pincher".
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe bartender at our golf club named a drink Lilac Crazy in honour of one of the members. Every time the member came to the 19th hole, that's exactly what he did.
Tags: sports
PermalinkDid you know Davy Crockett had three ears? No, how was that? He had a right ear,a left ear,and a wild frontier.
Tags: misc
PermalinkYou know you're a good ol' boy computer operator if...
Tags: computers
Permalink1. The Yankees General Manager's name is Brian Cashman. 2. Barry Bonds' initals are BB, the abreviation for a walk is also BB.
Tags: sports
PermalinkLibrarian: "Please be quiet. The people next to you can't read." Boy: "What a shame! I've been reading since I was six."
Tags: children
PermalinkA woman's breasts are like a child's toys. They are meant for the child - but the husband is the one that usually ends up playing with them.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ. How do lesbians handle their liquor? A. By the ears. (Lick her)
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ: How can you tell a woman is old?A: When she takes off her bra, all of the wrinkles in her face disappear!
Tags: misc
PermalinkThere once was a bus staion named Ureliar (You-Really- Are), a man went to the station and waited for his train, he waited and a man came up to him and said,"Hey,my name is Emabuthed (I'm-A-Butt-Head), what's the name of the station?" "Ureliar?" replied the man.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy? A dry Martinez.
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhy do mathematicians hate the U.S.? Because it's indivisible.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkI have an 18-year-old; her name is Alexis. I chose that name because if I hadn't had her, I'd be driving one.
Tags: children
PermalinkQ: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhat did the male rabbit buy the female rabbit for her birthday? 14 carrot gold!
Tags: animal
Permalink"Tomorrow is a boiling hot day, at 10 degrees Fahrenheit. The day after that is the same temperature, as well as the next and the next. Won't these temperatures ever cool down?"
Tags: at-work
PermalinkWhy do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one!
Tags: classic, dad
PermalinkQ. Why are 1990 American dollar bills worth more than 1989 American dollar bills? A. One thousand nine hundred and ninety dollar bills are worth one dollar more than one thousand nine hundred and eighty-nine dollar bills.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat did the whale say to the dolphin when he pushed him? I didn't do it on porpoise!
Tags: animal
PermalinkUsing proper punctuation, grammar, and spacing is highly recommended because it makes your jokes readable and understandable. If people are having a hard time understanding your jokes, they will be rated poorly and your score will suffer because of it.
Tags: misc
Permalinkantique-an item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again.
Tags: misc
PermalinkDid you hear about the two peanuts who got mugged on their walk down the street? They were assaulted
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ)what do you call a polar bear in the jungle? A)lost!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA wig factory was broken into last night and a large quantity of wigs was stolen. Police are combing the area.
Tags: puns
PermalinkQ: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkQ: How do you shoot a red elephant? A: Hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat's black and white and makes a lot of noise? A zebra with a drum.
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat’s E.T. short for? He’s only got little legs.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkQ. How many car salesmen does it take to change a light bulb? A. I'm just going to work this out on my calculator, and I think you're going to be pleasantly surprised.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhat do you call a thieving alligator? A crookodile!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkA mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing," his mother asked? "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
Tags: children
PermalinkQ: What happens when you take a Packard Bell, Windows 95, a grenade and put them together?A: A typical upgrade.
Tags: misc
PermalinkLittle four-year-old Jenny was looking at her new baby brother for the first time. He was fast asleep. After staring at her tiny, motionless baby brother for a few minutes, Jenny looked up at her mother and asked plaintively, "Didn't he come with batteries?"
Tags: children
PermalinkI may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other
Tags: medical
PermalinkHow many cats does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Cats can't hold a light bulb
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkMeteorologists - People who tell something wrong and still get paid.
Tags: at-work
PermalinkWhat is Kermit the Frog's middle name? The.
Tags: puns
PermalinkWe regret to inform you, but by opening this email, you have just received the 'Idiot Computer Virus'. Since our staff does not have any programming experience, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete all files from your hard drive immediately, then manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list. Thank You
Tags: tech
PermalinkQ: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs. A: Only one. ''Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb?''
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkBought the wife a hamster fur coat for her birthday, she was delighted with it. We went to the fair; took me 4 hours to get her off the big wheel!
Tags: animal
PermalinkFace it, you're gonna have to go outside eventually. Sure, Amazon.com will deliver right to your door and now even Taco Bell does deliveries, but, mark my words: some day you're going to HAVE to push away from the computer and go ... OUTSIDE!!! Here's a guide:
Tags: computers
PermalinkWhy don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy didn't the zombie cross the road? Because he didn't have the guts!
Tags: misc
PermalinkRemember, whenever someone says that you're nobody, remember nobody's perfect.
Tags: misc
PermalinkAn eight year old girl tried checking a book out of the library, entitled 'Advice for Young Mothers'. The librarian, being a typically nosey and puritanical librarian, asked, "Why do you want to check out this particular book, dear?" The little girl replied, "Because I collect moths."
Tags: children
PermalinkBambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her U.S. Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question, then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
Tags: college
PermalinkTwo fat men took part in a marathon. One ran in short bursts, and the other ran in burst shorts.
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhat do you call an alligator in a vest? An in-vest-igator!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhat's grey, crispy and hangs from the ceiling?An amateur electrician.
Tags: misc
PermalinkLittle Bobby had been searching through a stationer's stock of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked, "Just what is it you're looking for? A birthday greeting, message to a sick friend? An anniversary, or a congratulations to your mom and dad?" Little Bobby shook his head and answered, "No. Er...got any blank report cards?"
Tags: children
PermalinkI don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs. Sam Goldwyn.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA man walks into a doctor's office. He says, "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me! My elbow keeps coming untied. . . my belly button is out of order. . . I can't open my chest. . . I'm losing the leaves in my palm. . . somebody threw my waist in the trash. . . and my foot is only eleven inches!"
Tags: medical
PermalinkIt is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest. - S. den Hartog, Ph D. Thesis Universtity of Groningen.
Tags: medical
PermalinkRich and Kim, a couple, were in a room when Kim asked Rich if he would ever forget her. He replied that he would never forget her. Then she said, "Knock-knock!" and, of course, Rich said, "Who's there?" "See!" she exclaimed sulkily. "You have forgotten already."
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkWhy do choirs keep buckets handy? So they can carry their tune
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkQ: Why did George Washington sleep standing up? A: He couldn't lie.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory? Lack of concentration.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhy did the house go to the doctor? It was having window panes.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhat is a musician with real high morals? Virtuoso.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkHere's a good trick to try on people... Say to them: "I'm going to ask you two questions. one you have to answer yes, the other you have to answer no. 1st question: Are you stupid? <(you can put in anything you want here) 2nd question: Are you a liar?
Tags: misc
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