terasurfer — a terabyte of jokes

Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

One woman to another woman Woman- Those firemen are hot. Other Woman- Yeah they are nice looking. Woman- No. I mean they just came out of that burning building. They're hot.
Tags: puns
Permalink
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Tags: misc
Permalink
Mom: "Why have you been sent home early, Jack?" Jack: "Because the boy next to me was smoking." Mom: "But if he was smoking, why were you sent home?" Jack: "Because I set him on fire!"
Tags: children
Permalink
What is Mary short for? For having no legs, of course...If you didn't have any, you would be short too.
Tags: misc
Permalink
What's better than going to school? Having play time every day!
Tags: misc
Permalink
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
What is a vampire's favorite holiday? Fangs-giving!
Tags: misc
Permalink
Q: What did the seismologist say when he messed up? A: It's not my fault.
Tags: misc
Permalink
Here is a book never written. Extinction is Distinction by Dinah Soar
Tags: misc
Permalink
Poise: the ability to continue speaking fluently while the other fellow is picking up the cheque.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
It is said that "it is always in the last place you look" Well of course! Are there some people out there who keep looking after they find it?
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
So there's this Wizard who worked in a factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following sign: "This parking space belongs to the Wizard. ... Violators will be toad."
Tags: puns
Permalink
What did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall? Dam!
Tags: animal
Permalink
A man is walking down the street. Further down the street he notices Little Johnny. Little Johnny is sitting in a red wagon, wearing a fireman's hat. The wagon is tied to a dog, by its balls. The man says to LittleJohnny "Little Johnny you could go alot further, if you tied the rope around the dogs neck." Little Johnny replies "If I did that, I wouldn't have a siren"
Tags: animal
Permalink
I was walking around in the movies with my friends and we saw this one teenager. His pants were falling down, so I said to my friends, "God, these kids nowadays! I thought a rapper died and the kid decided to put his pants half-staff!"
Tags: misc
Permalink
What do you call the planters guy beating up fruit spread? Peanut battering jelly.
Tags: puns
Permalink
Why do you never hear father-in-law jokes?
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again... It was probably worth it.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
Man: "How's your history paper coming?" Woman: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research, and it's been very helpful." Man: "Really?" Woman: "Yes! I've already located 17 people who sell them!"
Tags: college
Permalink
"Doctor, please, I have a problem pronouncing Ts, Fs and Hs!" "Well then, you can't say fairer than that."
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. There never was any light bulb. Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
Tags: light-bulbs
Permalink
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!!!"
Tags: misc
Permalink
Boy(howling): A crab just bit my toe! Father: Which one? Boy: How should I know?!?!?! All crabs look alike to me!!
Tags: animal
Permalink
Why did the cookie cry? It was feeling crumby.
Tags: classic, general
Permalink
To help students remember the word for "wear" in Latin, the professor used the phrase: semper ubi, sub ubi Translation: Always wear under wear.
Tags: college
Permalink
Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
Tags: classic, general
Permalink
Why do choirs keep buckets handy? So they can carry their tune
Tags: classic, general
Permalink
How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed? Your head hits the ceiling!
Tags: classic, general
Permalink
A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications & said, "We have an opening for people like you.""Oh, great," the man said, "What is it?""It's called the door!".
Tags: misc
Permalink
Man: How many asian people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Asian Man: Whats a lightbulb?
Tags: light-bulbs
Permalink
Two contracters were building a house. While they were sawing a board, the saw slipped and cut of one of the contracter's ears off. They were looking through the sawdust and one contracter came up with the ear. He asked his co-worker, "Is this it?" The other one said "No, mine had a pencil behind it!"
Tags: at-work
Permalink
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A Carrot.
Tags: classic, general
Permalink
Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems.
Tags: classic, general
Permalink
Registered users win points for submitting and voting on jokes.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
How are the Points Calculated?
For a complete breakdown of how points are calculated, please read the Site Rules. You can get to the site rules by going to the FAQ's and the first answer gives you a link to the Site Rules.
Tags: misc
Permalink
Fellow orders a triple whisky at the bar and stikes up a conversation with the landlord.Fellow: I shouldn't drink this with what I've Got!Landlord: Why what have you got?Fellow: Fifty Pence!
Tags: misc
Permalink
Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups? Because they can't even.
Tags: classic, general
Permalink
What is a kangaroo's favorite restaurant? IHOP!
Tags: animal
Permalink
Why should you never play poker in the jungle? -because there are too many cheatahs!!
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
Can you decipher this phrase? lookkool Look both ways!
Tags: animal
Permalink
Tom, the fisherman, wrote the following to a mail order catalogue, "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check." A few days later, Tom received the following reply, "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."
Tags: misc
Permalink
Q: What's a Polar Bear's favorite cereal? A: Ice Krispies
Tags: animal
Permalink
Q: How many elephants will fit into a Mini? A: Four: Two in the front, two in the back.
Tags: animal
Permalink
I saw this sign in a bar a few years ago. A camel can go eight days without a drink - but who the hell wants to be a camel.
Tags: bar
Permalink
Q: What's green, has 3 eyes, sharp teeth, and blood on its face? A: I don't know, but it's on your shoulder!
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste.
Tags: classic, general
Permalink
Knock knock. Who's there? Sue. Sue who? I'll sue you if ya don't let me in!
Tags: knock-knock
Permalink
Q: What do you call 50 black guys in a hole? A: Afro-Turf
Tags: misc
Permalink
To: All Employees From: Management Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council). In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
Tags: holidays
Permalink
1 C A and 4 H A in a M M
1 C A and 4 H A in a M M 1 carbon atom and 4 hydrogen atoms in a methane molecule!
Tags: animal
Permalink
What is the noisiest part of a tree? Its bark.
Tags: misc
Permalink
Q: What do you get if you drop a piano on the seventh dwarf? A: A diminished seventh!
Tags: puns
Permalink
A out-of-towner in New York decided to re-visit a fine uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city.Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he began, "Hey, you know, it's been over five years since I first came in here. . .""You'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the harried waiter. "I can only serve one table at a time."
Tags: misc
Permalink
Did you hear about the bread factory burning down? They say the business is toast.
Tags: classic, general
Permalink
Q. How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. None. It's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark. Don't worry about me...
Tags: light-bulbs
Permalink
One eye says to the other eye, "Between you and me, something smells."
Tags: misc
Permalink
Once a bird pooped on me, so I threw it back.
Tags: animal
Permalink
Please answer yes or no to this question. Is your answer "no"? Hint: This is under trick, remember. Answer: Yes or no.
Tags: animal
Permalink
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Tags: puns
Permalink
According to the Institute of Incomplete Research, 7 out of 10 people are
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
What goes after USA? USB.
Tags: classic, programming
Permalink
The bartender at our golf club named a drink Lilac Crazy in honour of one of the members. Every time the member came to the 19th hole, that's exactly what he did.
Tags: sports
Permalink
What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a pig? Jurassic pork!
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
Two politicians were carrying on a conversation in a restaurant when all of a sudden, one yelled at the other, "You're lying!".The other politician responded, "I know, but hear me out."
Tags: misc
Permalink
What's a bunny's favorite type of dance? Hip Hop!
Tags: animal
Permalink
I was eating a fruit rollup once, you know, with the paper on the bottom...well the instructions were "Do not eat paper." Noooo! I thought the paper was part of the snack!!
Tags: sports
Permalink
Two sausages were in a pan.One sausage turns to the other and says, "Man, Its getting hot in here."The other sausage screams and says, "AH! A talking sausage!!"
Tags: misc
Permalink
What kind of key can't open a door.
Tags: misc
Permalink
Where does a Dog go when he loses his tail? Answer: A retailer
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
The FBI and the DEA are joining efforts and will be assigning some of their agents to a quasi-FBI/DEA enforcement team specifically targeting the illegal allergy pills sales that occur on the black market. The agents will be called "Pseudo Feds."
Tags: puns
Permalink
What key opens no lock? A Monkey!
Tags: misc
Permalink
What's the best thing about elevator jokes? They work on so many levels.
Tags: classic, general
Permalink
Mom (Reprimandingly): Julia! How many times must I tell you not to pull the cat's tail? Julia (Innocently): But Mom, I'm only holding the tail. It's the cat that's doing the pulling.
Tags: children
Permalink
What has wheels and flies? Answer: Garbage truck
Tags: misc
Permalink
Roses are red Violets are blue I'm schizophrenic And so am I!
Tags: medical
Permalink
Today I was thinking to myself, how would my life be different if I was born one day earlier. I said nothing would change except I would have asked myself that yesterday.
Tags: misc
Permalink
Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?" The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."
Tags: medical
Permalink
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast."You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone."What took you so long to answer?""I was in bed.""What were you doing in bed this late?""Getting a second opinion."
Tags: women
Permalink
Ralph's father said, "Let me see your report card." Ralph replied, "I don't have it." "Why not?" His father asked. "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Tags: children
Permalink
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.
Tags: at-work
Permalink
How does a rodeo star get around? With a cattle-act.
Tags: puns
Permalink
Did you hear about the eyeglasses maker who moved his shop to an island off Alaska and is now known as an optical Aleutian?
Tags: puns
Permalink
A little girl and a little boy were at day care. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts." "Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what you mean." The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
Tags: children
Permalink
"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?" Little Johnny's father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right." "That's okay," replied Little Johnny "You could at least give it a try, couldn't you?"
Tags: children
Permalink
"Do you like the new car Alice and I just bought?" Tom asked onerously.
Tags: puns
Permalink
Q: How many presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb? A: Fewer and fewer all the time.
Tags: light-bulbs
Permalink
For all of you who say I need anger management... Just to let you know, if I could control my anger, I'd destroy you with it!
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
a = b, b = c, a = c. Math Teacher: If a = b and b = c then a = c. Now give me the practical example of this principle from real life. Student: I love you, sir, and you love your daughter, which means I love your daughter.
Tags: misc
Permalink
A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: "Do you know where you were going?" Blonde: "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving."
Tags: blonde-jokes
Permalink
Here is a fragment of a crossword puzzle. P _ O _ _ _ Clue: Something that is often brown and hard to clean. Answer: Poodle.
Tags: misc
Permalink
When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there
Tags: classic, general
Permalink
Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
Q: What goes, "KCAUQ, KCAUQ"? A: A duck flying backwards!
Tags: misc
Permalink
You know your church is a redneck church if baptism is referred to as Branding.
Tags: misc
Permalink
How are women and a tornado alike? They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
Tags: misc
Permalink
The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uhh...
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
What is the speed of dark?
Tags: misc
Permalink
æ±¤å§æææäoï1⁄4æ æ3æä ̧åçè ̄3⁄4ãäoæ ̄å»æå®¤é»æ¿ä ̧åäoä ̧aéç¥ï1⁄4 Prof. Tom will not meet his classes this afternoon. æä ̧aè°ç®çå¦ççå°åï1⁄4æ3è·ææå1⁄4ä ̧aç©ç¬ï1⁄4æclassesåé¢çcæ¦ æäoã æ±¤å§ææä ̧åè· ̄è¿æå®¤æ¶åé¡oè· ̄è¿å»äoä ̧ä ̧ï1⁄4å¿ä ̧ä1⁄2ç¬äoï1⁄4éæå æ¦æäolã
Tags: misc
Permalink
Q: How do you get two whales in a Mini? A: Along the M4 and across the Severn Bridge.
Tags: animal
Permalink
Antarctica is the driest, coldest, windiest and highest continent on earth. Panama is the only place in the world that you can see the sun rise on the Pacific and set on the Atlantic. The only lighthouse to use electricity was the Statue of Liberty. A honey bee can fly up to 15 m.p.h.
Tags: misc
Permalink
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
Tags: classic, general
Permalink
If it was only a 3 hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes?
Tags: misc
Permalink
Why Did the Duck Cross the Road?
Why did the duck cross the road? Because the chicken was on holiday.
Tags: animal
Permalink
Q: What does Tiger woods have better than Princess Diana?A: A driver
Tags: misc
Permalink
What did Puffy say when Ben asked him about J-LO ? "Take that, take that"
Tags: misc
Permalink
Some common phrases that bees should know: Are you are hipbee? How comb? Hive already finished.
Tags: puns
Permalink
This summer, I went on a trip to Houston. I needed to go really badly, so I stopped behind a tree. A minute later, I darted out being chased by a hungry squirrel. He wanted some nuts.
Tags: puns
Permalink
"Some plants," said the teacher, "have the prefix "dog. For instance, there is the dogrose, the dogwood, the dogviolet. Now name another plant prefixed by 'dog'." "I can," shouted a little redhead from the back row, "Collieflower!"
Tags: children
Permalink
The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
Can I watch the TV? Yes, but don’t turn it on.
Tags: classic, general
Permalink
A policeman pulls over a reckless driver along the road. Going up to the driver's window, he takes one look and notes, "Your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The driver looks up out of those bloodshot eyes and responds, "Your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating donuts?"
Tags: misc
Permalink
What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
My son is proof that anyone can be successful enough to drive a BMW or Mercedes. And besides, he looks so cute in his valet parking attendant uniform.
Tags: misc
Permalink
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marajiuana, Jack got high and unzipped his fly and Jill said I don't wanna.
Tags: misc
Permalink
My wife and I were traveling on the Kansas Turnpike, bucking a 30 to 45 m.p.h. crosswind. At the tollbooth, I asked the attendant, "What do you people do in Kansas when the wind quits?" The tollbooth attendant didn't miss a beat. She answered, "We take the rocks out of our pockets."
Tags: misc
Permalink
Teacher: If you stood with your back to the north and faced due south, what would be on your left hand? Lisa: Fingers
Tags: children
Permalink
When a girl needs advice, why can't her brother help her? Because he can't be a brother and assist her too. (And a sister too!)
Tags: puns
Permalink
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job ? A. After 5 years your job will still suck.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
CUSTOMER: "Look at that watch you sold me. It broke. You told me it would last a lifetime." CLERK: "Yeah, well you looked pretty sick the day you bought it."
Tags: misc
Permalink
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
A young boy asks his dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?" Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there is also my son; that's confidential!"
Tags: animal
Permalink
What Were You Thinking?
What's round and hard and sticks so far out of a man's pajamas you can hang a hat on it? His head!
Tags: misc
Permalink
"There is only one pretty child in the world and every parent has it." - Chinese Proverb. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes. The best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day.
Tags: children
Permalink
Knock Knock! Who's there? Amos. Amos who? Amosquito bit me!
Tags: knock-knock
Permalink
So, this guy walks into a bar. And says, "ouch".
Tags: bar
Permalink
Q: How do you know there are four elephants in your refrigerator? A: There's an empty Mini parked outside.
Tags: animal
Permalink
Overheard in a doctor's waiting room: "My uncle had a cough like yours and he died. Mind you, he was hiding under his neighbour's bed at the time."
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
Why do chicken coops have two doors? Because if it had four doors it'd be a chicken sedan.
Tags: animal
Permalink
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur, a tiger, a crocodile, a spider, and a elephant? I don't know but you better get out of it's way!
Tags: animal
Permalink
Then there were the three bears. One married a giraffe. The other two put him up to it.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
When I saw that item, I said to my wife, "I don't think spaghetti grows on trees", so we'd looked it up in EncyclopÃ¦dia Britannica. Do you know, Miall, EncyclopÃ¦dia Britannica doesn't even mention spaghetti.
Tags: misc
Permalink
What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.
Tags: classic, general
Permalink
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage chesse, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
Tags: bar
Permalink
How can you tell an elephant from an ant? An ant is easier to pick up!
Tags: animal
Permalink
If you ask a Bears fan what his or her two favorite teams are they would be: - The Bears - And whoever the Green Bay Packers are playing.
Tags: sports
Permalink
What do you call an alien with no ears? Anything you like, he can't hear you.
Tags: misc
Permalink
Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common? A. No ball room
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
Started a great book the other day - I couldn't put it down. It's called "The History of Glue"!
Tags: puns
Permalink
I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a delay. Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated. "I'm having a problem," she announced. "The ice keeps melting."
Tags: misc
Permalink
Why is a circle so hot???? Because it's 360 degrees!!!
Tags: misc
Permalink
Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague? Now we just have to call him Dav.
Tags: classic, general
Permalink
"Do you know that your dog bit my mother-in-law yesterday?" "Is that so? Well, I suppose you'll sue me for damages?" "Not at all. What'll you take for the dog?"
Tags: animal
Permalink
The Americans and the Russians had a car race, in which the car from America won. However, the report in the newspapers of Russia, read as follows â "In a recent motor race, the Russian car finished in second place, while the American car finished next to last." (There were only two cars involved!)
Tags: sports
Permalink
Justin: If you give me a quarter, I'll give you everything in my lunch box. Zach: That depends... what's in your lunchbox? Justin: Nothing!
Tags: children
Permalink
Knock-Knock. Who's there? Yoo who? No thanks.
Tags: knock-knock
Permalink
The arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard and had then rubbed out the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying this number by ten. "Johnny," the teacher asked, "where is the decimal point now?" "On the eraser!" came back the quick reply.
Tags: children
Permalink
When my three-year-old son opened a birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."
Tags: misc
Permalink
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!
Tags: children
Permalink
How many FBI agents does it take to change a lightbulb? Shut up! We'll be asking the questions here.
Tags: light-bulbs
Permalink
So, what did one Bowling pin say to the other Bowling pin? ............................ Hey, you're a knock out!
Tags: misc
Permalink
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
A worried Father asked his daughter if her latest beau was serious about their relationship."I'll say he is Daddy." responded the girl."Just last nite he asked me how much you make, what kind of meals Mom serves and if you two are easy to get along with."
Tags: family-parents
Permalink
Recently, Today Tonight have held a survey. The results indicate that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.
Tags: at-work
Permalink
Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?A: He thought it was a delivery service.
Tags: misc
Permalink
Geometry
Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.
Tags: puns, math
Permalink
The world's most widely seen warning label: "Intel Inside"Windoze 95/98 Tech Support response: "It's not a bug, it's a feature."Apple: "We may not do everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to change."
Tags: misc
Permalink
Officer: "And you still insist you're innocent, in spite of the fact that we have six witnesses to the crime ?" Offender: "If it's witnesses you want, I can produce seventy people who didn't see me steal the stuff."
Tags: misc
Permalink
Did you hear about the runner who was criticized? He just took it in stride
Tags: classic, general
Permalink
What did the scarf say to the hat? You go on ahead, I am going to hang around a bit longer.
Tags: classic, general
Permalink
Which candles burn longer, the candles on a girl's cake or a boy's cake? No candles burn longer. They all burn shorter.
Tags: misc
Permalink
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
My doctor says I have insomnia, but I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.
Tags: medical
Permalink
Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
This joke's so old, it has mold on it! HA HA HA!
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
Q: What's the difference between a rabbit and a cow? A: One's a rabbit and one is a cow
Tags: animal
Permalink
Wanna hear a dirty joke? A boy fell in a mud puddle.
Tags: puns
Permalink
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating. -Heard in a neuropsychology classroom
Tags: medical
Permalink
"Is that right, that you Dubliners always answer a question with another question?" "Now, who would be telling you that?"
Tags: misc
Permalink
Please choose and acceptable rating for the joke(G=for all ages; PG=mild PG-13=really violent R=Explicit) before you submit it. People of different ages and preferences read different jokes on this website. If you give a G rating to a dirty joke, some users may get upset and rank your joke poorly. For more information, please read our FAQ.
Tags: misc
Permalink
Customer: "I'm running Windows '95."Tech Support: "Yes."Customer: "My computer isn't working now."Tech Support: "Yes, you said that."
Tags: computers
Permalink
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two- One to screw in the idea, and one to give it a suprising twist at the end.
Tags: light-bulbs
Permalink
What do you call happiness? Seeing your mother-in-law's photo on the back of a milk carton!
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
Why did the man run around his bed? Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!
Tags: classic, general
Permalink
Q: How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a light bulb ? A: None. "Well it's not really a question of should we change it or should we not change the light bulb, but more a question of...(blah blah waffle)"
Tags: light-bulbs
Permalink
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
Tags: classic, general
Permalink
Why did the melon jump into the water? Because it wanted to be a watermelon!
Tags: puns
Permalink
Q. What smells fishy and ends with untA. Rex Hunt
Tags: women
Permalink
The teacher told one kid, "You're going to flunk this subject because you haven't finished your homework assignments." The kid said, "Good. I flunked all the other ones because I'm stupid."
Tags: children
Permalink
What starts with the letter F and ends in UCK? FiretrUCK
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
What do you call a pretty woman in Poland? A tourist
Tags: misc
Permalink
Why did the programmer's wife leave him? He didn't know how to commit.
Tags: classic, programming
Permalink
The journey of a thousand miles ... begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
Hey! Football team! Get off the band field!
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? A: Because it had no body to go with.
Tags: misc
Permalink
Q. Where does a fish like to sleep? A. In a river bed!
Tags: animal
Permalink
What's missing? ch_ _ ch U R you are
Tags: misc
Permalink
Waitress walks up to a man and says "Hi, May I take your order please?" The man replies, "Yes, can I get the turtle soup please."The waitress walks off to go get his order, but the man changes his mind and decides he wants pea soup instead. He calls for the waitress and says, "Hold the turtle, make it pea!"
Tags: misc
Permalink
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her U.S. Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question, then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
Tags: college
Permalink
Q: Why are frogs so happy? A: They eat whatever bugs them!
Tags: animal
Permalink
The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the town's preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was. Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."
Tags: misc
Permalink
Teacher: I hope I didn't see you copying the test from your friend. Student: I hope you didn't either
Tags: children
Permalink
Why does Superman get invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
Tags: classic, general
Permalink
Is your dad a baker? Because those buns are lookin' good! I lost my phone number, can I have yours?
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
What did the Java code say to the C code? You've got no class.
Tags: classic, programming
Permalink
Q: How many ''pro-lifers'' does it take to change a light bulb? A: 6: 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
Tags: light-bulbs
Permalink
Teacher: Jimmy, use the word "handsome" in a sentence. Jimmy: Handsome gum over will ya? Teacher: No, no, that's not right. You have one more chance. Use the word "gladiator" in a sentence. Jimmy: A monster ate my sister and I'm gladiator.
Tags: misc
Permalink
Paddy comes home from the pub one night to find his wife in bed with another man. He goes to a drawer and gets a gun. He holds the gun to his head and his wife starts to laugh. Paddy says "Idon't know what you're laughing at- you're next!"
Tags: misc
Permalink
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. (''That's all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...'')
Tags: light-bulbs
Permalink
A book never written: L.O.L. (lots o' logs) by P. Lumyum
Tags: misc
Permalink
All lazy peoples' slogan must be "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese." But fear not for all of you who wake up early just keep this in mind: The first cat gets the mouse.
Tags: animal
Permalink
What did the blonde say when he opened the box of Cheerios?Doughnut seeds!
Tags: misc
Permalink
Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.
Tags: business
Permalink
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself any time.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
My computer went on a diet. Now it's down to a terabyte.
Tags: tech, puns
Permalink
Why did Tom throw butter outside the window? Because he wanted to see the butter-fly.
Tags: puns
Permalink
I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting larger. Then it hit me...
Tags: puns
Permalink
Old photographers never die, they just go out of focus!
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
How many snobby girls does it take to change a lightbulb? All of them, they try, break a nail, and come crying home.
Tags: light-bulbs
Permalink
Q. What do you call a cow that gives chocolate milk? A. An Utter Delight!
Tags: puns
Permalink
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on a Monday?A: You tell her a joke on Friday.
Tags: misc
Permalink
You are a big animal that is big.
Tags: animal
Permalink
Tonto and the Lone Ranger were lost one day. The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, 'Use your Indian instincts and get us out of this mess.'Tonto bends down and put his ear to the ground. He turns and says to the Lone Ranger, 'Buffalo come.' The Lone Ranger says to Tonto 'How do you know?' Tonto Says 'Ear sticky'
Tags: misc
Permalink
Why did the pencil cross the road? It was lead!
Tags: puns
Permalink
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
Tags: medical
Permalink
Why did the Quiz Show give away $10,000 plus one banana? They wanted the prize to have appeal.
Tags: puns
Permalink
Why did the chicken go across the field? Because the referee shouted "FOWL"!
Tags: animal
Permalink
A spanish speaking person was eating breakfast they where having english muffins the rest of the family was English(The Spanish speaking guy was adopted)so he was eating an English muffin after that he tried to say Uno but instead was completely English Wierd
Tags: animal
Permalink
A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
Tags: bar
Permalink
Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a roman catholic.
Tags: classic, general
Permalink
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall All the king's horses and all the king's men Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.
Tags: misc
Permalink
A budding actor: "Dad guess what? I've got my first part in a , I play the part of a man who has been maried for 25 years." Father: "That's a good start son, just keep at it and one of these days you'll get a speaking part."
Tags: family-parents
Permalink
I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that there is no bad news. The bad news is that there is no good news.
Tags: misc
Permalink
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand and on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to." So Ole drove to Duluth.
Tags: misc
Permalink
Why did the private classes break up? Because they never saw each other.
Tags: classic, programming
Permalink
What does the turtle do in the Olympics? The hurdle run!
Tags: animal
Permalink
Do You Wanna Hear a Good Joke?
Me: Do you wanna hear a good joke? Amy: Yes! Me: Me too!
Tags: misc
Permalink
I saw a nice stereo on Craigslist for $1. Seller says the volume is stuck on ‘high’ I couldn’t turn it down.
Tags: classic, general
Permalink
What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A stick.
Tags: classic, general
Permalink
How do you generate a random string? Put a Windows user in front of Vim and tell them to exit.
Tags: classic, programming
Permalink
Dad to his family: The phone bill is exceptionally high. You have to limit its use. I don't use this telephone. I use the one a the office. Mum: Same here, I hardly use this phone as I use my work telephone. Son: Me too, I never use the home telephone. I always use my company mobile. Maid: So what's the problem? We all use our work telephones!
Tags: at-work
Permalink
Q: What do you get when a rooster crosses a duck? A: A bird that gets up at the quack of dawn!
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
How many George Walter Bushes does it take to change a lightbulb? Luckily, only 2. The world can't handle many more idiots.
Tags: light-bulbs
Permalink
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie on it.
Tags: classic, general
Permalink
Q:What is a blondes idea of safe sex??A:Lock the car doors
Tags: blonde-jokes
Permalink
Lawyers creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink
Q-If the big breasted women work at Hooters, where does the one legged woman work? A-Ihop
Tags: misc
Permalink
A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice. "Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."
Tags: misc
Permalink

Jokes

How are the Points Calculated?

1 C A and 4 H A in a M M

Why Did the Duck Cross the Road?

What Were You Thinking?

Geometry

Do You Wanna Hear a Good Joke?