Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• Longest Drum Solo. The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 25 minutes and it was performed by a child sitting behind me on a flight from LA to Tokyo.

  Tags: one-liners, music

  Permalink

• Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you'll hear Satan. Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I was the knight no one expected to appear on battlefield, Sir Prise.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• My uncle has the heart of a lion, the eyes of a hawk, and the legs of a cheetah. He's also a trained taxidermist

  Tags: one-liners, animal

  Permalink

• You already know the punchline. What is the worst part about time travelling jokes?

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• My friend just gave me a presentation on why I should invest in his sword making business. He made some excellent points.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What is faster than a calculator? A Calcu-now.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• How was the Roman Empire cut in half? With a pair of caesars.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• In a few minutes, a hypnotist convinced me that I’m a metal with atomic number 82. Turns out I’m ....easily lead.

  Tags: one-liners, math, science

  Permalink

• When I was young, I thought rich people owned Bose music systems and the rest of us had Sony products. Turns out those were just stereotypes.

  Tags: one-liners, music

  Permalink

• Said the pig to his pop, "There's the candy shop. Oh, please Let's go inside." "And I promise I won't make a kid of myself if you give me a people-back ride."

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal. China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• My family treats me like a god. They only talk to me when they want something.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• My brother has been writing a stage drama about a dictionary and a thesaurus. I'm really looking forward to it. I love a play on words.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• The Lazy Bowl Reclining toilet: It's plush while you flush!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why is Antarctica the least corrupt continent? Because it has justice

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• If it weren't for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for everybody.

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• My house-mate is terrified of negative numbers. He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Iron deficiency gang, rise up! But not too fast.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• A scientist took a selfie while he was drinking liquid nitrogen. He was quoted as saying "It was the coolest shot I ever took"

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Rabbits don't know Addition or Subtraction but. they sure do know how to Multiply .

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What has a bottom at its top? A leg

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• My life is just like Rihanna's new song. Work work work work work and the rest I can't really understand!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why was the dentist investigated by the Securities & Exchange Commission? For incisor trading!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• A schooner, a clipper and a junk sail into a bar, All hands lost.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• How do you milk sheep? With iPhone accessories.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Lawyers creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist. It's called 'Facebook'

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• My friend says he has the body of a Greek god... I had to explain to him that Buddha wasn't Greek.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Of all the inventions of the last 100 years... the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators. I'm taking steps to avoid them.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why do hipsters love Raiders of the Lost Ark? Because it's the first Indy movie.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why couldn’t the sailor play cards? Because the captain was standing on the deck

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• A zen student asked his master: “Is it okay to use email?”. “Yes”, replied the master, “but with no attachments.”

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. We don't address hardware issues.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• If you find it hard to take pictures of yourself in the sauna... You have selfie-steam issues.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What did the scientist said after mixing oxygen and magnesium? O Mg

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• The Nintendo 64 turned 18 today. Now you can legally blow the cartridges.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• So my neighbour knocked on my door at 3am.. 3 AM! Can you believe that?! He was lucky I was still playing on my drumkit..

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• How can you tell if an arrow is nervous? See if it quivers.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I ́ve just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody! I think it was filmed in a cinema though, as I see a little silhouetto of a man.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why is wrestling stupid?? It's a bunch of guy's without pants fighting for a belt....

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What did the math text book say to the Shakespeare text book? Look, buddy, I've already got a lot of problems, and I really don't need any of your drama.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Every program I write is completely error-free. No exceptions!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Customer: Waiter, I’m in a hurry! Will the pancakes be long? Waiter: No sir, round.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• My Valentine is like the square root of -100... A 10, but imaginary

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me "What do you do at a red light?" I said, "I don't know... look around, listen to the radio...

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why is the south bad at calculus? They don't know how to integrate.

  Tags: one-liners, math

  Permalink

• I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• How many vegans does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger? One if nobody's looking.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• My doctor removed my appendix... Now all that's left is the table of contents.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great, I love being my own boss.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

  Permalink

• Why don't cannibals eat Gospel singers? They keep throwing up their hands.

  Tags: one-liners, music

  Permalink

• A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says, "five beers, please."

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• A local movie theatre was robbed of $600 worth of merchandise. The suspects stole 3 medium popcorns, 1 bag of skittles and 4 small diet cokes.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Someone keyed the music teacher’s car. Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor

  Tags: one-liners, music

  Permalink

• I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness' but it doesn't work.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• A man holding a large block of asphalt walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "A beer for me, and one for the road."

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Who is the worst spy in history? James Bond. Because everyone knows him.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why hasn't Africa ever won Olympic gold in basketball? Because Africa isn't a country.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• DMV jokes get old really fast. Unlike the DMV. You have to go through a special line to become old.

  Tags: at-work

  Permalink

• Why don't Jedi Knights use the Kelvin scale? Only a Sith deals in absolutes.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What's the derivative of Amazon? Amazon Prime

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why were all the computers in the company frozen? Because they let IT go

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What a do a bunch of people in Brazil speak? Portuguese. What does just one Brazilian speak? Portugoose.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Mosquitos consider most people as food, but grandma's an open bar.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• 5 years from now it'll be 2020... I can see it now... That's a perfect vision joke.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Didn't that actress from Legally Blonde once eat cereal with a fork? No wait- she ate Reese With a spoon

  Tags: one-liners, food

  Permalink

• Why does Waldo wear stripes? He doesn't want to be spotted

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who thought they knew what the punchline would be, and those who are now searching for the original joke.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• The word 'nothing' is a palindrome. 'Nothing' reversed is 'Gnihton' which also means nothing

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Liquor probably won't fix your problems... but it's worth a shot.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• My friend Oscar met Leonardo DiCaprio and told him a joke. He didn't get it.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• I know someone who faked his degree in botany. He wrote his thesis on artificial Christmas trees.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What is the longest word in the Spanish language? Goooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllll

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's Cat. The librarian said "That rings a bell but I don't know if it's here or not."

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I just realized that I have lost my mood ring... Not sure how I feel about this...

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Joke I made up: Caveman and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says "what's your story?" Caveman says... Bear with me...

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Always go to other peoples funerals, or they wont come to yours.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I hate One Direction fans... Oscillating ones cool down a room much better.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Some acids walked into the enemy base... Threat Neutralized.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Breaking News: A movie theatre has just been robbed of over two thousand dollars. The theives took a large soda and two bags of popcorn

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What did 50 Cent say to his grandmother when she made him a pair of socks? Gee, you knit?

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Sometime in the future, Canada will rule the earth. And then you’ll all be sorry.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• A lion and a cheetah had a race. The lion said you are a "cheetah" and the cheetah said you are "lion."

  Tags: one-liners, animal

  Permalink

• What do whales like to draw with? A-krill-ic paint.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I got kicked out of school for playing an instrument. I got band

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• A truck full of wigs has just tipped over.Police are now combing the area.

  Tags: police-jokes

  Permalink

• A pencil and a scissors are having a debate. Everytime the pencil make a good point, the scissors get a little snippy.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I saw an Elsa blanket. I didn’t get it though, the cold never really bothered me anyways.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What type of joke is the best joke? A Communist joke, because everyone gets it.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why do riot police like to get to work early? To beat the crowd.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• If you power a piano with a cable does it have a chord?

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What do Spiderman and I have in common? We both end up with sticky hands after using the web.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why did I quit my job in Mexico? It didn't peso well.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Did you hear about the 2 guys that stole a calendar? They each got 6 months.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Do you know what an enforcer does on a hockey team? Just checking.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

  Permalink

• Remember- There's a light at the end of every tunnel... just hope it's not a train!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I hate when people don’t know the difference between “you’re” and “your”.. There stupid.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why did KGB officers always travel in threes? One who could read, one who could write, and the third to watch over those two dangerous intellectuals.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• And the award for best neckwear goes to... huh, well would you look at that. It was a tie

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What do you call a race over lava? A heated competition

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I got into an argument with 1,3,5,7 and 9. The odds were against me.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Overall, I'd say my career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• The skeleton walked into the bar and asked, "Can I have a beer and a mop?"

  Tags: bar

  Permalink

• What is Gepetto's favorite cereal? I know you think it's Pinnochi-o's, but it's actually Cheerios. They're whittle o's. Though I guess both woodwork.

  Tags: one-liners, food

  Permalink

• Race is just a pigment of the imagination.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I recently lost my job at NASA Mission Control... I misheard when someone said "It's lunch time", and sent a rocket up with nobody in it.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• "What makes you qualified to be a waiter" I feel like I bring a lot to the table

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I almost got busted for shoplifting candy today... But I got out of it. I've got a couple of twix up my sleeve.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I used to own a racing snail... It never won though. To improve its performance I removed its shell but, if anything, it made it more sluggish

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I use my cell phone as an alarm clock. I call it Veriz'n shine..

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why does Karl Marx hate earl grey? Because all proper tea is theft.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What do you get when you cross a cave with a snippy person? A sar-chasm

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• How many IT people does it take to change a light bulb? Do you have a ticket for that?

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello? Konnichihuahua

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• A group of introverts is called an oxymoron. Please help me

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• A man went to the hospital with a sprained ankle. The doctor said, "Don't worry, you'll be walking in no time." He was. The doctor stole his car.

  Tags: medical

  Permalink

• What do the Backstreet Boys and Algebra teachers have in common? They both want you to tell them Y.

  Tags: one-liners, math

  Permalink

• You can freeze a human to -273.15 C. He'd be 0K.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on. This one was written in London.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Someone told me that if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea. All i got was 6 years for armed robbery.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why does Kylo Ren have no friends? Because his whole life he's Ben Solo

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why do teenage girls hang out in odd-numbered groups? Because they can't even.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician! I was just sitting there doing nothing!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Nobody knows, the never get to keep the house.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why should you always knock on your fridge door before opening it? Because there could be an Italian dressing inside.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• If you watch an Apple store get robbed, Does that make you an iWitness?

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• The can was invented quite a while before the can opener.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• what kind of music sinks to the bottom of the ocean? Heavy rock

  Tags: one-liners, music

  Permalink

• the flat earth society has members all around the globe

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Got an A on my paper... Time to write the rest of it

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian . then soviet.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• A man escaped from a bear only with a bow in hand. But his friend who got an arrow in the knee was not as lucky.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What is Will Smith's favorite type of forensic evidence? Fresh prints.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Who do you call when your pet cricket has a stomach infection? A gastro-entomologist!

  Tags: one-liners, sports

  Permalink

• My doctor said I need to cut back my sodium intake but I tend to take everything he says with a grain of salt.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What do you call a Frenchman that's been attacked by a bear? Claude

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Did you know that the vast majority of convicted criminals are married men? It's the only way they get to finish a sentence.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What did the evil fraction say? You will never stop my plans for world denomination.

  Tags: one-liners, math

  Permalink

• Why does sour cream have an Expiration date?

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• The creator of WinRAR was arrested and put on trial. The trial was supposed to last 40 days, but it keeps on going

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime. It's just another day at the United States Bureau of Engraving and Printing.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• You’re riding a giraffe and a tiger is chasing you.. What do you do? You get off the merry-go-round

  Tags: one-liners, animal

  Permalink

• i think the story of Noah's life was a bit boring. But it did have a nice arc

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What do you call Cupid’s arrow when he upgrades to a crossbow? A lover’s quarrel

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I always prayed before my trigonometry tests.. I was hoping for a sine from above

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Q: What's a space pirate's favorite planet? A: mArrrs!

  Tags: one-liners, science

  Permalink

• It's so easy, it makes pie look hard.

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• Where do hockey players go to get another uniform? New Jersey

  Tags: one-liners, sports

  Permalink

• “How much to buy a singing ensemble!?” I asked the clerk. Puzzled, he questioned, "You mean a choir?" “Fine! How much to acquire a singing ensemble!?”

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Whats a fedora clad, neck bearded gentlemen's favorite color? M'genta

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I threw a boomerang 6 years ago and it never came back... Now I live in constant fear.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What color is red? True or false?

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• What does baby volcano say to his volcano mom? Magma.

  Tags: one-liners, science

  Permalink

• How can a person living in Minnesota be buried in Milwaukee?

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add to it.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? Laughing stock.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Hockey players are good at making new friends. They break the ice really quickly.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

  Permalink

• Will carrying a torch save you from an attacking bear? Depends on how fast you can carry it.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Diplomacy: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Did you know that you can fit any boat on your head like a hat, if you flip it over? That makes it cap sized

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3? Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I just finished writing my book on penguins. My publisher said it would've been better if I'd written it on paper.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

  Permalink

• You know your church is a redneck church if baptism is referred to as Branding.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• why does the helicopter shave every day? He grows apache beard

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What do you call an imaginary color? A pigment of your imagination.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What does a turtle call his aunt? Tort-tia

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• If Mac users care more about the environment more than Windows users. Then why do Macs have a trash can and Windows has a recycling bin?

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• So I met a vegan. I'd finish the joke, but she's still talking.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• A man with two left feet walked into a shoe store and asked, " Do you have any flip-flips?"

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• The problem with keeping an open mind is that all my ideas tend to fall out.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning. I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

  Tags: one-liners, food

  Permalink

• Where did Captain Hook buy his hook at? The second hand store.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What ethnicity is Santa? North Poleish

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I received an email from Google. It said, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards " I thought, "That's just spam."

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Always remember that you are unique, just like everybody else!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Did you know you can actually eat lava? Only once though.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• where does steel wool come from? Robot sheep

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What did one hamburger bun say to the other hamburger bun? Nothing. They had beef between them.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Wife: When we were younger you used to nibble on my ear. (The husband starts leaving the room. )Wife: Where are you going?Husband: To get my teeth!"

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Your so boring, if you threw a boomerang, it wouldn't come back to you.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• A donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though. Because even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What's is the difference between ignorance and negligence? I don't know and I don't care.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Did you know to that tin can was invented 1810, but the can opener wouldn’t be invented for another 16 years? So until then they were just called can’ts.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• "Where do you see yourself in five years?" "I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision."

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• -40° outside sounds brutally cold, Fahrenheit or Celsius. My friend Kelvin just rolled his eyes.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Then there was the dyslexic robber who held up the bank with a gnu.

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• Who's Santas favorite singer? Elf-is Presley !

  Tags: one-liners, music

  Permalink

• My son got an F in his geography exam today. I sent him to his room but he ended up in the kitchen

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Like I said before, I never repeat myself.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What did Wendy do when Captain Hook frightened her? Peter Pans

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Does music make you think? It made Stevie wonder...

  Tags: one-liners, music

  Permalink

• Today I am celebrating 100 days without alcohol! Not consecutively, though.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What do you call a girl who stands in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• You play World of Warcraft AND Leage of Legends? Wow, lol.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What's worse than finding a hole in your shoe? Finding a shoe in your hole.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• My friend refuses to believe that working with decimals is easier than working with fractions. He is missing the point.

  Tags: one-liners, math

  Permalink

• What happened to the cat that ate a ball of wool? She had mittens!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• At 23:59 31.12.2015 I raised my left foot off the ground. Just to be sure I start 2016 on the right foot

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? are they afraid someone will clean them?

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• My friends keep telling me to stop impersonating butter. But I can't. I'm on a roll now

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I was confident I could win the duel until my opponent swung his sword at my ankles. Alas, I was de-feeted.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• You might be a redneck if you have to haul a paint can to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• I've got my doctorate in palindromes. I'm now addressed as Dr.Awkward

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What’s your name? When did you get here? Do you want copper, bronze or tin? Justin.

  Tags: one-liners, science

  Permalink

• What rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Meteorologists - People who tell something wrong and still get paid.

  Tags: at-work

  Permalink

• I had a really good joke... but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• The similarity of all the people that live is that they are alive and they are living.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin. Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”

  Tags: one-liners, animal

  Permalink

• Why is leather armor best for sneaking? It's literally made of hide.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Im in a band called "Missing Cat" You've probably seen our posters...

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Is it wrong to hate a certain race? I don't mind running a 5k, but my friends want to run in a 10k and I don't like 10ks

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Copper is the only element that have eyes. Becuase it can Cu.

  Tags: one-liners, science

  Permalink

• 16 More W K Than B K on a P

  16 more white keys than black keys on a piano.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Want to hear a construction joke? I'm still working on it.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Doctor, Doctor! I have a virus that makes my left hand constantly butter toast. How can I stop it spreading?

  Tags: medical

  Permalink

• Snake walks into a bar. And the bartender says ''How did you do that?''

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• How do you sneak up on celery? You stalk it.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Two Teemos sit in a brush. One says to the other "There's not mushroom in here"

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• She left him because he had a will of his own. And it wasn't made out to her!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• People always call me a walking dictionary. I thought they meant I was smart with a good vocabulary, but apparently I’m just thick.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• "Doctor doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!" "I'll deal with you later!"

  Tags: medical

  Permalink

• Where do dads keep their jokes? In their dadabase.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink