terasurfer — a terabyte of jokes

Jokes

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"My wife dresses to kill.She cooks the same way." ...Henny Youngman "My wife and I were happy for twenty years.Then we met." ...Rodney Dangerfield "I was married by a judge.I should have asked for a jury." ...George Burns
Tags: misc
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The Post Office briefly considered issuing stamps with Bill and Hillary's faces on them. However, test marketing verified that the customers would spit on the wrong side of the stamps.
Tags: misc
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Your so boring, if you threw a boomerang, it wouldn't come back to you.
Tags: misc
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What do call a crying alien baby? An Unidentifyed Crying Object!
Tags: misc
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Have you ever heard of the Gay Mafia? No? If you don't pay up, they come round your house, and criticize your curtains!
Tags: one-liners
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Dad: Courtney, do you want penne pasta for dinner? Courtney: No, but I'll have dime or quarter pasta.
Tags: children
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A little girl was sat in science, when she wet herself. She goes to her teacher and says "I've wet myself". The teacher asks "Why didn't you put your hand up?" She replies "I did, but it just ran down my hand!"
Tags: children
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One night, after a long hard day at work a politician went home. It was fairly late, around 10:00 p.m.All of the sudden, a masked man jumped out of the bushes and demanded all the politician's money."You can't do that!!" The politician cried. "I'm a politician!""Oh," said the masked man, "in that case give me all MY money!!"
Tags: misc
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Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?
Tags: one-liners
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It's a dog eat dog world out there. And they're short on napkins. Married people don't live longer than single people. It just seems longer.
Tags: misc
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Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Tags: one-liners
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Do Roman paramedics refer to an IV as a four?
Tags: one-liners
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Two young cowboys - aged six and four - walked into the pretend bar for a drink. The older cowboy thumped his fist on the pretend bar and said to the pretend bartender, "Bartender, gimme a rye whiskey!" The younger cowboy was not to be outdone. "Yeah, and make mine a whole wheat!"
Tags: children
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If ham is Canadian bacon, then what the heck do you Canadians call bacon?
Tags: one-liners
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What do you call a blind deer? No idea (no eye deer.) What do you call a blind deer with no legs? Still no idea! (not moving [still] no eye deer)
Tags: animal
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Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.
Tags: one-liners
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What did the father buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? - Bison!
Tags: animal
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What did the porcupine say to the cactus? "Is that you, mommy?"
Tags: one-liners
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A SQL query walks into a bar
It approaches two tables and asks: "Mind if I join you?"
Tags: tech, classic
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A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, "I heard you died." "But you see I'm alive ," smiled the friend."Impossible," said the psychiatrist, "the man who told me is much more reliable than you."
Tags: misc
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What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
Tags: classic, general
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Can You Decipher This Phrase? QQQQQQ No excuse. There is no X listed, but there are some Qs.
Tags: animal
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What amimal walks with its feet on its head? a flea.
Tags: misc
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Why did the chicken cross the road? I don't know To get the Chinese newspaper Get it? No Neither do I. I get USA Today
Tags: misc
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Two golfers were discussing a bill that Harry, the hospital administrator, had sent to Bill, a recent father."Harry, this is too much for the use of the delivery room. You know I didn't get my wife there in time and the baby was born on the hospital's front lawn."Harry took the bill, crossed out the offending entry and substituted another. "Greens Fee," it read.
Tags: family-parents
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Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans
Tags: classic, general
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The smartest dogs are the Jack Russell Terrier and Scottish Border collie. Dumbest: Afgan hound. A rat can go without water longer than a camel can. The fat molecules in goat's milk are 5 times smaller than those found in cow's milk. It takes 20 minutes for the stomach to break down as opposed to the hour that it takes to break down cow's milk.
Tags: misc
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How many rich people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They hire people to do it for them.
Tags: light-bulbs
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A man walks into a bar and throws down a bet. 100 dollars to anyone who can do 100 pushups. A man disappears outside and returns minutes later. "I'll take that bet" the man says, and collapses after 50 pushups. "I don't get it", he says," I just did 150 outside!"
Tags: bar
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What do you call a dinosaur that is able to give you a synonym for any word you give him? Answer: A Thesaurus! :)
Tags: animal
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Why did the chicken get a penalty? For fowl play.
Tags: classic, general
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What do you call a drive-by shooting in Chinatown? A cappuchino.
Tags: puns
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Q: What's the worst time to be a rat or a mouse? A: When it's raining cats and dogs!
Tags: animal
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A student said to Professor Stigler: "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."
Tags: misc
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How do you fix a broken pizza? With tomato paste.
Tags: classic, general
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What's the worst part about being a cross-eyed teacher? They can't control their pupils.
Tags: classic, general
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An actual headline: "Include Your Children When Baking Cookies"
Tags: misc
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Here's a little tip from me to you as an experienced traveler. Wake-up calls are the worst way to wake up. The phone rings, it's loud and you can't turn it down. I leave the number of the room next to me. It just rings very quietly and you hear a guy yell, "Why are you calling me?" Then I get up and take a shower. It's great.
Tags: misc
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Mosquitos consider most people as food, but grandma's an open bar.
Tags: one-liners
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What do you call a monkey in a mine field? A babooooom!
Tags: classic, general
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Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his mom, "Of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
Tags: children
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Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's not funny!!!
Tags: light-bulbs
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Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto. Pluto because it's no longer a planet.
Tags: animal
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If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?
Tags: crazy-jokes
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A dog goes up to a man with a pizza and starts whining for some. Man to Owner: Can I throw him a bit? Owner smiles proudly: Yes. The man picks up the dog and throws him on the ground.
Tags: animal
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Q: Why is an elephant big, grey and wrinkly? A: Because if it was small, white and hard it would be an aspirin.
Tags: animal
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Ma and Pa had an awful time getting married.Ma wouldn't marry Pa when he was drunk and Pa wouldn't marry Ma when he was sober.
Tags: misc
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Two programmers walked along the street. They saw a beautiful blonde not far away and one of them said, "Too bad that girls has no standard interface.""They have," replied the other programmer, "but there is no standard way to get to it."
Tags: misc
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Can you decipher this phrase? TTTTTTTTTT Tent.
Tags: one-liners
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How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Tags: one-liners
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On June 10th, 2006, San Fransisco, California held the largest gay, nude bike ride in the United States. I'm never buying a used bike ever again.
Tags: misc
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There were 3 tomatoes. A momma tomato, a papa tomato, and a baby tomato. The baby tomato started to fall behind and the papa tomato called over to him and said, "Ketchup!"
Tags: puns
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A little boy was in a bookstore with his dad. They were browsing for books when the little kid said,"You know American Idol?" His dad said, "Yeah." The kid then said, "If they win, they'll become poptarts!"
Tags: children
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An actual headline: Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted.
Tags: misc
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Michael Jackson was on a cruise with 100 Boy Scouts when the ship hit an iceberg and started to sink. The captain announced, "Everyone abandon ship! We're going down!" Michael asked, "What about the children?" The captain replied, "Screw the children!" Michael looked around eagerly and asked, "Do we have time?"
Tags: military
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Q: What do men and linoleum have in common? A: Lay them right and you can walk all over them the rest of your life.
Tags: misc
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Q: How can you tell that an elephant is in the bathtub with you? A: By the smell of peanuts on its breath.
Tags: animal
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A man and his love had a terrible spat: She scratched his face and he knocked her flat; She spat at him and he threw her around; She jumped from behind and he fell to the ground. How sad to see such trouble as that... Between a man and his household cat!
Tags: animal
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How many Russian leaders does it take to change a lightbulb? We don't know. Russian leaders don't last as long as lightbulbs.
Tags: light-bulbs
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Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursdays at 7:30 to 8:30, Please use the back door. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double doors at the side entrance.
Tags: misc
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A boy go to a girls house and notice her home is very messy and full of paper and clay pot and clothing all over. The boy tell her he bring some pot to her and she answer there is clay pot all over home.
Tags: puns
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In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers. They shoot a six, yell fore, and write five.
Tags: sports
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A guy in a restaurant says to the waitress, "I want a cup of coffee without cream." The waitress comes back a few minutes later and says, "I'm sorry, but we're all out of cream. Would you mind taking your coffee without milk?"
Tags: misc
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You know your day is bad if your twin sister forgot your birthday.
Tags: one-liners
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Up in heaven there is a white picket fence.On one side stood GOD on the other side stood Satan and a few of his henchmen.The devilshelpers were kicking holes in the fence.GOD said "if you don't tell them to stop, I'll sue you".Satan started laughing and replied "You think you'll find a lawyer on your side of the fence?"
Tags: heaven-and-hell
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Once,there was a teacher and a girl named Wendy.The teacher asked for Wendy to say a sentence starting with the word I. So wendy started to say I is....Then the teacher said, "No Wendy, it is I am." So Wendy said, "I am the ninth letter if the alphabet."
Tags: children
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Tonto and the Lone Ranger were lost one day. The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, 'Use your Indian instincts and get us out of this mess.'Tonto bends down and put his ear to the ground. He turns and says to the Lone Ranger, 'Buffalo come.' The Lone Ranger says to Tonto 'How do you know?' Tonto Says 'Ear sticky'
Tags: misc
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"Did you hear that TGI Fridays is opening a new restaurant?" "Yeah, it's called WTF Mondays."
Tags: misc
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An elderly couple was attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do? He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
Tags: one-liners
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Remember the Golden Rule He who has the gold makes the rules.
Tags: one-liners
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Johnny comes home from school, and shouts, "Mother!" Mother calls from upstairs, "If you wish to speak to me, come upstairs so you don't have to shout." When Johnny gets upstairs, she says, "Now, what did you want to say to me?" "Just that I trod in some dog do, but it seems to have gone now!"
Tags: children
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How can you spot a happy motorcyclist? By the bugs in his teeth.
Tags: one-liners
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Q:Why can peter pan fly? A:Because if you got hit in the peter with a pan you'd fly too.
Tags: misc
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Sign outside a watch-maker's shop; Watch batteries fitted.
Tags: puns
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You know your church is a redneck church if baptism is referred to as Branding.
Tags: misc
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One day in the 1800's a father asked his child to go get some nuts and berries. She went around and got nuts and berries from every boy she knew. When she showed her dad he said, "That's not what I meant!"
Tags: misc
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What do you call something with 4 eyes, 3 noses, 7 ears, and 2 mouths? Ugly!
Tags: misc
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Jerry Jones calls Michael Irvin in for a meeting:"Michael" he says, That was a close one & you'll have to be careful from now on.""What do you recommend boss?""From now on it's Pepsi & Nike, not COKE & NOOKIE"
Tags: misc
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Mother: Did you eat all the cookies. Tom? Tom: I didn't touch one. Mother: That's strange. There's only one left. Tom: That's the one I didn't touch.
Tags: children
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How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but he is never around when you need him.
Tags: light-bulbs
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What do you call Santa when he's been to the beach? Sandy Claus!
Tags: misc
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Who is the ugliest member of wocka? [Name Removed - This joke offends some users - Joke awaiting deletion]
Tags: one-liners
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Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb. A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
Tags: light-bulbs
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Q: Did you hear the joke about the jump rope? A: No, I skipped it!
Tags: sports
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Jerry: So you have both a nice mommy and a pretty mommy? Steve: Yup. They're lesbians.
Tags: children
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Can You Decipher This Phrase? STEP -> A step in the right direction!
Tags: misc
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I got hit in the head by a soda can, but it didn't hurt that much... It was a soft drink.
Tags: classic, general
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Q: Why did the little girls put minnows in their pants? A: So they could smell like big girls.
Tags: animal
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She left him because he had a will of his own. And it wasn't made out to her!
Tags: one-liners
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What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a pig? Jurassic pork!
Tags: one-liners
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Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
Tags: misc
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Fill in the blank: The one who says it cannot be done should never _________ the one who is doing it. Interrupt.
Tags: misc
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Knock knock. Who's there? He. He who? He who must not be named, so don't say it!
Tags: knock-knock
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What is represented by this? DO WN Broken down!
Tags: animal
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Jersey girls aren't trash; trash gets picked up.
Tags: one-liners
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God: "Whew! I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth." Angel: "What are you going to do now?" God: "Call it a day."
Tags: puns
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Q: Why do elephants have big ears? A: Because Noddy would not pay the ransom!
Tags: animal
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Dear brother, I smile because you are my brother. I laugh because there is absolutely nothing you can do about it!
Tags: misc
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What did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall? Dam!
Tags: animal
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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Tags: puns
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The other day, I bought a packet of air. I was surprised to find a few potato chips inside it. -Dedicated to Lays
Tags: misc
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Two Stasi agents are on a surveillance mission and quite bored. First agent: "Hey, what are you thinking about?" Second agent: "Oh, nothing special. The same as you..." First agent: "In that case, you're under arrest!"
Tags: misc
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Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
Tags: one-liners
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"I'm very sorry sir, but I don't have my homework with me- I left my bag on the bus." "Well done! A+"
Tags: misc
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Breaking News! Daisy the Dalmation is entering the presidential election along with Mitt Romney and Barack Obama.Right now we are going to hear her campaign speech. " Voting for your next president will be very difficult to chose so let me make it easier. You can vote for the white guy or the black guy. You vote for me you get both.!"
Tags: animal
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A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch."I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said."What's your secret for a long happy life?""I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and neverexercise.""That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?""Twenty-six," he said.
Tags: old-age
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A professor giving a talk to a multinational audience tells a joke about the Germans. Someone at the back of the hall jumps up and protests angrily: "I'm German!" "OK", says the speaker "I'll say it again - slowly".
Tags: misc
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A grasshopper walks into a bar and walks up to the bar. The bartender says "hey, we have a drink named after you!" "Really?" asks the grasshopper, "You have a drink named Steve?"
Tags: misc
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And in a Year I'll be Five.
A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground. "I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted. "So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."
Tags: misc
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It's so easy, it makes pie look hard.
Tags: animal
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Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
Tags: children
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"Hillary's got this huge book, it's a memoir of her life and times at the White House. In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said 'I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air.' No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said." - David Letterman
Tags: misc
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The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five minutes more.
Tags: one-liners
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Michael Jackson was announced that he is the proud father of a baby boy. He asked his wife's doctor how soon after the birth could he have sex. The doctor told him he should wait until the kid is at least 12 or 13 years old.
Tags: medical
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A guy goes to the dentist and says, "How much to get these two teeth pulled?" "$80 a tooth," he replies. "For two minutes work! That's crazy!" said the patient. "Trust me," said the dentist, "You don't want me to do it any slower.
Tags: medical
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Knock knock Who's there? can't catch. can't catch who? me, you can't catch me!
Tags: knock-knock
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A judge scowled down at a repeat offender before him. "Haven't I seen you in here many times already? And didn't I tell you that I never wanted to see you in here again?" "Yes, Your Honor," the defendant replied. "That's exactly what I told the police officer, but he insisted I come in anyway!"
Tags: misc
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QUESTION: Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my computer? ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:
Tags: computers
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Five policemen were on a boat. The boat sank. How many policemen died? 10 - five during the accident, and five during the re-enactment.
Tags: at-work
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Foreign Film Any movie shown in a Texas theater that isn't a western.
Tags: one-liners
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"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it." - Jay Leno
Tags: misc
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Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her U.S. Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question, then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
Tags: college
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Why did the chicken cross the road? There weren't any cars coming!
Tags: misc
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Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It turned itself in.
Tags: light-bulbs
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How did the aliens hurt the farmer? They trod on his corn.
Tags: puns
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How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two- One to screw in the idea, and one to give it a suprising twist at the end.
Tags: light-bulbs
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Natrium chloride = table salt. "Natrium", from which the symbol "Na" derives, is the German word of "sodium".
Tags: misc
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What's brown and sticky? A stick.
Tags: classic, general
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Knock-Knock Who's there? Oscar Oscar who? Ask her a silly question, get a silly answer!
Tags: knock-knock
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Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? A. The French Army.
Tags: misc
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Q: Why do black people have white hands? A: Everyone has a little good in them
Tags: misc
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Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam".
Tags: animal
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Q: How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb? A: You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again.
Tags: light-bulbs
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One time I went school shopping... AND BOUGHT THREE SCHOOLS!!!
Tags: misc
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I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I ever saw
Tags: classic, general
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A duck, a skunk, and a frog go to the movies. Tickets cost one dollar. Which animal doesn't get in? The skunk! The frog has a green back, the duck has a bill, but the skunk only has a scent.
Tags: animal
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This really happened (honest!) A bunch of very young girls arrived at our door at Halloween. My Mum, being friendly, asked them whereabouts they lived, because she hadn't seen them before. They replied, "We live quite near here, where do you live?"
Tags: children
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What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away
Tags: classic, general
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What's a ghost's least favorite room in a house? -The living room
Tags: misc
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How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern? You use a pumpkin patch.
Tags: classic, general
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What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? Pumpkin Pi!
Tags: puns
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Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.
Tags: one-liners
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Person A: Why did the chicken cross the road? Person B: Is this a trick question?
Tags: animal
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I hear some rich guy wants to build a tavern at the top of Mount Everest. Talk about raising the bar high!
Tags: puns
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Sign seen on a maternity-ward door: Push! Push! Push!
Tags: one-liners
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I almost got fired for telling this joke at work: Do you know why fireman have bigger balls than policeman? They sell more tickets!
Tags: at-work
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2 = special administrative regions in China. (Hong Kong and Macau)
Tags: misc
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Who tows the tow trucks when they break down?
Tags: misc
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Thngs Not To Say To A Cop #1
Hey, I saw you in Dunkin' donuts yesterday!! You're the one ordering triple chocolate, double vanilla, quadrupal cinnamon and double whip cream dounut filled with sprinkles.
Tags: misc
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what do a blonde and railroad track's have in common?they both been laid all over the country
Tags: misc
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I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness' but it doesn't work.
Tags: one-liners
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If someone says, "A penny for your thoughts,", and you give them your two cents worth, what happens to the other penny?
Tags: one-liners
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My dad has always told me that putting in a little effort and dedication on the job never hurt anyone. Then again, he never heard of worker's comp.
Tags: one-liners
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Billy's teacher sent a note home to Mom saying, "Billy is a very bright boy, but spends much too much time thinking about girls and sex." The next day Mom sent a note back to the teacher saying, "If you happen to find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Dad."
Tags: children
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Two guys were walking along a road in Georgia when they were struck by a police car driven by a drunken cop. One guy was thrown through the windshield and his buddy was knocked down an embankment. The first guy was charged with breaking and entering; and the second with leaving the scene of an accident.
Tags: puns
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Q-If the big breasted women work at Hooters, where does the one legged woman work? A-Ihop
Tags: misc
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A couple has been married for many years, and one day the man tells his wife that he wishes she had bigger breasts."but how am I going to get bigger breasts?" she asks."That's simple", he says, "just rub your breasts with toilet paper every day"."And that would do it?", the surprised wife wonders."Well,", answers the husband, "it sure did work on your behind!".
Tags: men
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A person soon learns how little he knows when a child begins to ask questions.
Tags: one-liners
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æ±¤å§æææäoï1⁄4æ æ3æä ̧åçè ̄3⁄4ãäoæ ̄å»æå®¤é»æ¿ä ̧åäoä ̧aéç¥ï1⁄4 Prof. Tom will not meet his classes this afternoon. æä ̧aè°ç®çå¦ççå°åï1⁄4æ3è·ææå1⁄4ä ̧aç©ç¬ï1⁄4æclassesåé¢çcæ¦ æäoã æ±¤å§ææä ̧åè· ̄è¿æå®¤æ¶åé¡oè· ̄è¿å»äoä ̧ä ̧ï1⁄4å¿ä ̧ä1⁄2ç¬äoï1⁄4éæå æ¦æäolã
Tags: misc
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A drunken guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you,Batman!?"
Tags: misc
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The Blonde walked into a bar. The Brunette used the door. The redhead actually OPENED the door, and the Asian actually WENT THROUGH the door.
Tags: bar
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Did you know Jennifer Lopez use toeat 2 gallons of ice cream a day?It's all BEHIND her now!
Tags: misc
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Only in America can a poor black boy turn into a rich white woman... (Michael Jackson)
Tags: one-liners
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What did the big flower say to the littler flower? Hi, bud!
Tags: classic, general
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Q: How do you get free tickets to a concert fast? A: Bring a gun to the box-office.
Tags: misc
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A boy asked to his girl friends: What does a gay cow eat? all of his friends failed to answer. Then he stood up, and with a gay-est falsetto voice he said: Haaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy!!!
Tags: puns
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Earth Worm: Oh, I wish that darn evil Mister Barney hadn't chopped my brother into two sections! Other Earth Worm: Why? Earth Worm: Because, now I have two half brothers!
Tags: animal
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Q: When is a black dog not a black dog? A: When its a grey hound.
Tags: animal
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How did Hellen Keller's mother punish her??? rearranging her furniture.
Tags: children
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Did you know that 18 out of 10 people don't understand fractions?
Tags: misc
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The first TV network kids show in the U.S. was "Captain Kangaroo." Before 1687 clocks were made with only an hour hand. There are towns named Sandwich in Illinois and Massachusetts. Caterpillars have over 2,000 muscles.
Tags: misc
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In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
Tags: one-liners
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Did you hear about the football game with the 0-0 score? Never mind, it's pointless.
Tags: misc
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The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of bread.
Tags: one-liners
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Q: How many Lizzie's does it take to screw up a light bulb A: I Dunno, but it only takes one to screw up a graduation ( from movie lizzie McGuire: she ruins junior high graduation)
Tags: light-bulbs
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Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Tags: one-liners
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A man walks in to an auto store and askes the blonde cashier where the turtle wax is. the blonde says,"i'm sorry sir, but we don't sell pet supplies."
Tags: blonde-jokes
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I was attending church as a visitor several weeks ago and heard the following:"I have good news, and I have bad news.First, the bad news: we need a new roof.Next, the good news: we have the money to pay for it!(waits for pleased murmurs to recede)Next, more bad news: the money is still in your pockets."
Tags: money
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There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
Tags: one-liners
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CAT 1- So how'd that milk drinking contest go? CAT 2- Oh, I won by six laps.
Tags: puns
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It is said that "it is always in the last place you look" Well of course! Are there some people out there who keep looking after they find it?
Tags: one-liners
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What do you give a sick lemon? Lemonaid.
Tags: classic, general
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What does C.S. Lewis keep at the back of his wardrobe? Narnia business!
Tags: classic, general
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Fill in the blanks such that the second blank is the reverse action of the first one: The famous musician Mozart ________ symphonies when he was alive and __________ after he died. Composed and decomposed.
Tags: misc
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If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Tags: one-liners
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What is the new name for a taxi in Oshakati? A computer. Why? It has windows, always crashes, & is driven by a thin black floppy with a virus.
Tags: misc
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Kid: Mom, can i get the hot lunch tomorrow? Mom: What are they serving? Kid: Swiss steak. Pleeeeeease? Mom: Okay! Okay! I didn't know you liked Swiss steak so much. Kid: Oh, yeah! It sticks to the ceiling WAY better than the lasagna.
Tags: children
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Why is boxing a sport? If I beat someone up in an alley and someone sees it, I get arrested. If I beat someone up in an arena where thousands see it happen, I get cheered. I've done both. I like the alley better though.
Tags: sports
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Q: How many Lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
Tags: light-bulbs
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Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Tags: one-liners
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A timid little man in a restaurant carefully touched the arm of a man putting on an overcoat. "Excuse me," he said, "but do you happen to be Mr. Smith?""No, I'm not!" the man answered impatiently. "Oh. . . er. . . well," stammered the first man, "you see, I am, and that's his overcoat you're putting on. "
Tags: misc
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What did the light bulb say to the socket?I love you watts!!
Tags: misc
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Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.
Tags: one-liners
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I often dream of the day when my car will be able to drive me home after a long hard day of work. That's about the time the driver next to me abruptly blows his horn telling me to wake up and get back into my own lane.
Tags: one-liners
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Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.
Tags: classic, general
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"Some plants," said the teacher, "have the prefix "dog. For instance, there is the dogrose, the dogwood, the dogviolet. Now name another plant prefixed by 'dog'." "I can," shouted a little redhead from the back row, "Collieflower!"
Tags: children
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On clothes: do not iron while wearing. On a baby carriage: do not fold while in use.
Tags: misc
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"There is only one pretty child in the world and every parent has it." - Chinese Proverb. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes. The best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day.
Tags: children
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Three men were at a business convention where they were discussing cars. One man said, "I am an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn." Another man says, "I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort." The last man speaks up saying, "Well, I beat both of you - I am a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe!"
Tags: at-work
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A policeman caught a nasty little boy, with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other. "Now listen here," the policeman said. "Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature, I shall personally do to you" "In that case," said the boy, "I'll kiss it on the forehead and let it go"
Tags: children
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Q: What did judge say when the skunk came in the court ? A: Odor in the court.
Tags: misc
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What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
Tags: classic, general
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Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Tags: animal
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Heard over the hospital public address system: Due to a mix up in Urology, no apple juice will be served this morning.
Tags: medical
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A gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in- law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing.She was quick to comment, loud and long, on his thoughtlessness. The gentleman said only one thing - "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year."
Tags: family-parents
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"Why do you keep reading the Bible every day?" the teenage girl asked her grandfather. "Well, it's a bit like cramming for your final exam," said Granddad.
Tags: misc
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Any wire cut to length will be too short.
Tags: one-liners
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How many elves does it take to change a light bulb? Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to give him a boost.
Tags: light-bulbs
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Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it. "Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet." "How come?" asked Lars "Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't sing."
Tags: misc
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Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long
Tags: classic, general
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How many blondes does it take to wash a car? Two. One to hold the sponge, and one to drive the car back and fourth.
Tags: misc
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Did you know that nobody can lick their elbow? *75% of the people that read this try it*
Tags: misc
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There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
Tags: one-liners
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How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the bulb has got to WANT to change.
Tags: light-bulbs
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The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
Tags: misc
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I saw on the news a little boy being carried up to the sky. I got scared cause I thought Michael Jackson was ordering take-out from Heaven.
Tags: misc
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Why can't bicycles stand on their own? They are two tired
Tags: classic, general
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Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile...
Tags: light-bulbs
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Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole vaulter?" Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian...and my name isn't Valter."
Tags: misc
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there were three people walking on the street.a smart blonde, a stupid blonde and santa clause.suddenly, they see on the ground 100$.question : wich of them pick it up ? Answer:the stupid blonde !Why?because the smart blonde and santa clause don't exist, they are fiction.
Tags: blonde-jokes
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An actual sign outside a house: The dog is okay. Beware of the owner
Tags: misc
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Q: Why did the witch buy a computer? A: She needed the spellcheck
Tags: puns
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Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships? So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.
Tags: classic, general
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Make sure you are in a public place with a lot of people around. Sniff the air a couple of times (make sure it is loud sniffs). Turn to you wife and say in a loud voice "Hey honey did you fart?!".
Tags: misc
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What do you get when you cross a React developer with a mathematician? A function component.
Tags: classic, programming
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WARNINGS that should appear on alcohol bottles and over bars
Tags: heaven-and-hell
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An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales. "Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
Tags: misc
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Some useless inventions: 1) A waterproof teabag 2) A swimsuit store in the North Pole 3) Sugar free, fat free, taste free chocolate 4) A parachute that opens on impact 5) An ejector seat in a helicopter
Tags: misc
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Q. Why was the Gum so mad in class? A. It was Chewed Out!
Tags: misc
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Patient:"Doctor,my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages." Psychiatrist: "Rubbish! I like sausages too." Patient: Good,you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds."
Tags: misc
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Note: Tradewars is on online role-playing game where you are a spaceship captain, and roam a 5,000 sector universe trading and/or killing away. You also get to build things and gather colonists. Look for the game on local BBS' On your first game you most likely did the following:
Tags: misc
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What do you call a guy with no arms or legs floating in the ocean? Bob!
Tags: misc
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Joe: When I would wear my hand-me-downs to school, all of the boys would make fun of me. Moe: What did you do?Joe: I hit them over the head with my purse.
Tags: misc
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Can February march? No, but April may.
Tags: classic, general
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The teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his new checking account. "The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store," his mother said. "Oh good," he replied, "Now I can use it to buy some stereo equipment!"
Tags: children
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What's bigotry? What you find in an Italian forest!
Tags: one-liners
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If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
Tags: one-liners
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PATIENT: "Doctor can you help me? It's my hearing. I can't even hear myself cough." DOCTOR: "Okay, have this prescription filled." PATIENT: "Oh, will it improve my hearing?" DOCTOR: "No, but it will help you cough better."
Tags: medical
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"You certainly look cool." "Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself."
Tags: one-liners
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Where’s the bin? I haven’t been anywhere!
Tags: classic, general
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Jokes

A SQL query walks into a bar

And in a Year I'll be Five.

Thngs Not To Say To A Cop #1