Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• I thought about joining the Navy to be on a submarine... But I changed my mind, I had a sinking feeling about that career path....

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Everyone can find one person or three cats waiting for him.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Sorry I'm late traffic is exactly how it's been every day for the past 5 years and I was not expecting that.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• RIP to my good friend Brian eaten by a pack of dyslexic zombies :(

  Tags: one-liners

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• You know what has 8 legs 8 hands and 8 eyes? 8 Pirates

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• I got mugged by 6 dwarves . not Happy.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What kind of cigarettes do hippies smoke? Yours.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My family always celebrates Thanksgiving with a fast. The faster we eat, the more food we get.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Wanna hear a dirty joke? A boy fell in a mud puddle.

  Tags: puns

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• I ended up in jail the other night and the guys across from me had glued themselves together... It was very confusing.

  Tags: one-liners

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• In a place without geometry life is pointless.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Hey girl, are you a newspaper? Because there’s a new issue with you every single day

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a shadow government ran by furries? The uwuminati

  Tags: one-liners

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• I know how to make a small fortune from gambling. start with a large fortune

  Tags: one-liners

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• Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• What does Jeff Bezos do every night before bed? He puts his pajamazon.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven; you've already moved most of the earth."

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Neil Degrasse Tyson and Mike Tyson have something common... I don't understand what either one is saying, but I know I'll end up seeing stars.

  Tags: one-liners

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• It's 364 days until christmas. And people already have their lights up!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do birds fly south in the Fall? Because it's too far to walk.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• If a person told you they were a pathological liar, should you believe them?

  Tags: one-liners

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• We conducted an online survey. and found that out of the world's population, 0% of people are Amish.

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• It is illegal to stick coins in your ears in the state of Hawaii.

  Tags: misc

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• The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron. Which is ironic.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• It's okay Microsoft Excel even my love life is not responding.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• My calling in life went straight to voicemail.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A flat minor

  Tags: one-liners

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• My neighboor rang my doorbell at 5 am.. Luckily I was already up, playing drums.

  Tags: one-liners

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• After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do I stay humble? Well, it's not easy, but I start by being generally bad at almost all things.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Never make fun of an Italian baker. Or he'll kick the focaccia.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A large group of other people's children is called a "Nope".

  Tags: one-liners

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• She was only a whisky maker's daughter, but he loved her still.

  Tags: puns

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• There's a lot of controversy about vaccination, but you know what I don't get? Measles.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why couldn't the rocket have a second launch date? It had thrust issues

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't care how old I am, I will see Finding Dory.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

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• What did the letter O say to the letter Q? "For God's sake man, put some pants on!"

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• Why don't people in Athens wake up early? Because dawn is tough on Greece

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• A Pokemon go user walks into a bar. Because he was too busy looking at his phone to notice it

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• I didn't lose my mind, I just let it wander and it never came back. I miss it so much.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth? The Crimea River.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I once dated a mime. I hope I left her with a good impression.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I've only been wrong once, and that's when I thought I was wrong.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will use 3 times a year

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• Why can’t the Minnesota Vikings eat cereal for breakfast? They choke when they get too close to a bowl.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Did you here about the giant with a nosebleed? It was all over town

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm the type of person who tries to fall back asleep in the morning, just to finish a dream.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it. Guess I really am. independent

  Tags: one-liners

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• "Could you take a couple steps back. I have a nut allergy."

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Working on the computer is like driving a submarine. Once you open windows, the problems begin.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My teacher always used to tell me that double negatives are a real no-no.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why can't a Samsung be disguised as an iPhone? Because eventually, its cover would be blown.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Whoever invented the knock knock jokes. Should get a Nobell prize.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was writing a joke about a stone rolling up a hill, but it lost momentum. It still has potential.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture. I have a hunch it might be me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

  Tags: misc

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• What is an extreme sport? Doing you homework, while the teacher is collecting it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I got lost in your eyes. But I also get lost in most department stores, so I wouldn't read too much into it.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I had to start hiding cereal in my clothes so that my siblings couldn’t eat all of it. I have Trix up my sleeve.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• What starts with “E” and has only one letter in it? Envelope!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I told my chiropractor that my spine was already in alignment, but he proved me wrong. Now I stand corrected.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

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• What do you call a Norse god who doesn't draw much attention to themselves? Low Key.......!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Computer does what you command him to do but not what you want from him.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Why the crab cross the road? It didn't, it used the sidewalk.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I saw some dude trick a vegan into eating real cheese. How dairy.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Copper and chromium must be pretty great atoms... If they have such an exceptional ground state

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• My diet always starts on a Monday morning and ends at the donuts somebody brings into the office later that morning.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• What happens if someone steals uranium? It becomes theiranium

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where are average things manufactured? At the satisfactory.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The one item you need is always in short supply.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have the memory of an elephant. I saw an elephant.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Scientists discovered a revolutionary material with infinite length and zero depth. ... but then they realized No Man's Sky was invented already.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I've been running for 10 years.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• I think football would become an even better game if someone could invent a ball that kicks back.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• What do you call a toxic work environment? A staff infection

  Tags: one-liners

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• A scientist took a selfie while he was drinking liquid nitrogen. He was quoted as saying "It was the coolest shot I ever took"

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the difference between a drama student and a government savings bond? The government savings bond eventually matures and earns money.

  Tags: one-liners

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• There were some kids playing hopscotch and they were allowed to skip so when the winner was on 8 it went straight to 10

  Tags: puns

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• Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st, be sure to lift your left leg. That way, you'll start the New Year on the right foot.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What packs a punch in your pants? Boxers.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The contact lens is mans greatest invention. At least in my eyes

  Tags: one-liners

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• If someone calls you a nobody, just remember. Nobody's perfect.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does a hockey player and a magician have in common? Both do hat tricks!

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• If you ever feel your job is meaningless... Just remember that it's somebody's job to install turn signals to BMW's

  Tags: one-liners

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• A vegan said to me, people who sell meat are disgusting. I replied, people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Some people say filling animals with helium is wrong. but i say, whatever floats your goat

  Tags: one-liners

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• where does steel wool come from? Robot sheep

  Tags: one-liners

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• My parents always tell me that their world doesn't revolve around me. I guess that means that I'm not actually their sun :(

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don’t understand why my credit score is so low. Every time collectors call, they say my payments have been outstanding.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one great education!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don't dress nice for him anymore.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I like my anxiety like I like my distancing: Social, behind a mask, and away from people.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Haircuts are great. Because I did none of the work but get all the credit.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The slogan for Canada Dry should be "I hope you feel better."

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• What happens to Nitrogen when you put it in direct sunlight? It becomes DAYTROGEN!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the difference between Game of Thrones and Twitter? With Twitter you only get 140 characters.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's your best non swearing insult? I hope you step on a lego.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I before E. Except when you run a weird heist on a feisty foreign overweight neighbor wearing beige.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Pavlov is sitting at a bar when another patron walks in and a bell on the door rings. Pavlov stands up, says, "I forgot to feed the dogs," and leaves.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Period- The thing at the end of a sentence.

  Tags: misc

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• I had a goal to lose 20 Pounds by the end of the year. 30 pounds to go

  Tags: one-liners

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• A hard thing about a business is minding your own.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes!

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music? They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• I decided to get tattoos of Italy and France on my chest. Now I have really sore Naples. But other than that, it turned out pretty Nice.

  Tags: one-liners

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• So the other day, my friend told me that I have no idea what irony meant... Which was pretty ironic, considering we were at a bus stop.

  Tags: one-liners

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• what is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? one is heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A goat, a drum, and a rattlesnake fall down a cliff... ba dum tss

  Tags: one-liners

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• I got fired from my job at the cemetery yesterday... I made a grave mistake.

  Tags: one-liners

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• One eye says to the other eye, "Between you and me, something smells."

  Tags: misc

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• What's the difference between Leonardo Dicaprio and Sesame Street? Sesame Street has an Oscar.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Got an A on my paper... Time to write the rest of it

  Tags: one-liners

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• Here's a FedEx joke. Actually, you'll get it tomorrow

  Tags: one-liners

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• If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I went to my local self defense gym and asked if I can take 2 classes today. They said no. “You can taekwondo”

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend told me that I don't understand the meaning of irony which was ironic because we were at a train station

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm looking to sell my Delorean. Good shape, low mileage... Only driven from time to time.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I saw a lizard. and it became a spotted lizard

  Tags: one-liners

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• My mum tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she'd just ironed. It may sound far-fetched but it's true. I watched it all unfold.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The World is $7 trillion in debt.... Just exactly which planet do we owe it to?

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• i think the story of Noah's life was a bit boring. But it did have a nice arc

  Tags: one-liners

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• I can't believe that viruses and bacteria would just invade my body without a permission. That makes me sick

  Tags: one-liners

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• How does a coat steal something? They jacket

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• What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up? Someday my prints will come!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a detective who just solves cases accidentally? Sheer Luck Holmes

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you make a small fortune from investing in Bitcoin? Start off by investing a large fortune in Bitcoin.

  Tags: one-liners

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• 9 out of 10 Americans are stupid... I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I found a way to make a horse stand perfectly still. Place a bet on him.

  Tags: animal

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• Somedays I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• One day Canada will take over the world. Then we'll all be sorry.

  Tags: one-liners

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• 10, 27, 28, 30, 32 walk into a bar... 10 says "I'm drinking age, I swear!" The bartender says "Outlier!"

  Tags: one-liners

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• I went on a job interview for a security guard. After spending 12 hours in the waiting room they hired me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My life peaked when I got to fly a helicopter. Unfortunately its been a downward spiral ever since.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Having nutrition information on a bag of Cheetos is like having dating tips on a box of Crocs.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• What kind of computer is the best singer? A dell

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• Why couldn't the candle get any sleep? Because there's no rest for the wicked.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school? His heart wasn't in it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• A baby's laugh is one of the most beautiful things a person can hear unless it's 3 a.m., and you're home alone, and you don't have any kids.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What was Forrest Gump's email password? 1forrest1

  Tags: one-liners

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• Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I try to teach my mom something new everyday. Because apparently you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The recipe said "Set the oven to 180 degrees" so I did, but now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• What do you call someone with no body and just a nose ? Nobody knows

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why does leather armor make you better at sneaking? Because it's made of hide.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na..

  Tags: one-liners

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• Best Summer Vacation Book Never Written: "Where to Stay on Vacation" by Moe Tell.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If Mac users care more about the environment more than Windows users. Then why do Macs have a trash can and Windows has a recycling bin?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just aced my philosophy test. The question was, "What is the central question of epistemology?" I answered, "How should I know?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the Star Wars fan ask to the car dealer? "Can I buy the Rogue one please?"

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• How did the pharaoh get so rich? He was running a huge pyramid scheme.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Life is good you know. So I suggest you get one.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I poured my root beer into a square cup. Now I've just got beer.

  Tags: one-liners

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• So my neighbor knocked on my door at 3AM... Who knocks on doors at three in the morning? It's so inconsiderate! Good thing I was still up playing my bagpipes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• To the guy that invented zero... Thanks for nothing.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Don't you dare hit that drum again! If you do, there will be repercussions!

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• What do you call a vet that can only work on one animal? A doctor

  Tags: one-liners

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• Used to have this drama teacher who always said “raising your hand was a waste of time”. He was hands down the weirdest teacher I’ve ever had.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the hungry missile say? When is launch at?

  Tags: one-liners

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• You know your are in Alaska when you go to court and they ask you where you were on the night of October to April!

  Tags: misc

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• I'm stuck somewhere between playing my cards right & not playing with a full deck.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does the Easter Bunny get for making a basket? Two points, just like everyone else!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What happens if you steel? You have to get Alloy-er

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did princess peach begin to choke? Because Mario came down the wrong pipe

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend really changed onced she decided to be a vegetarian. It's like I've never known herbivore

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear the story about the giraffe? Forget it its too long.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's Cat. The librarian said "That rings a bell but I don't know if it's here or not."

  Tags: one-liners

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• I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank... I have no words for how angry I am.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What happened when the two angels got married? They lived harpily ever after!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the cows return to the marijuana field? It was the pot calling the cattle back.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• For those of you wondering what it’s like to be married. I just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What type of joke is the best joke? A Communist joke, because everyone gets it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why does nobody like a rich stone? Because he takes everything for granite.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The doctor told his patient to stop using a Q-tip, but it went in one ear and out the other.

  Tags: one-liners, medical

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• What kind of dessert comes out of a musical volcano? Bach Lava

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Did you hear about what happened to the really offensive joke about cows? [remooved]

  Tags: one-liners

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• I dressed up as a screwdriver this past Halloween. It wasn't the best costume but I still turned a lot of heads.

  Tags: one-liners

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• David Hasselhoff told his agent that he wants to be known as Hoff from now on. Agent: Sure David. No hassle.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear that you can buy iron and carbon for the price of just 1 alloy? What a steel!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't understand why Steve Ballmer spent so much money on the Clippers. He doesn't even have hair.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When you have two choices and you take one away, you have zero choices.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Always go to other peoples funerals, or they wont come to yours.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have the heart of a lion, the eyes of an eagle. and a lifetime ban from the zoo

  Tags: one-liners

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• I saw on Wikipedia that dolphins can bake bread! [cetacean kneaded]

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Do you know why there's no gambling in Africa? Because there are too many cheetahs.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• If you have bad credit, make friends with a trigonometrist. They will cosine for you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns... Then you’re looking in Alderaan places

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row they told me I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts

  Tags: one-liners

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• Rabbits don't know Addition or Subtraction but. they sure do know how to Multiply .

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about the accident at the army base? A jeep ran over a box of popcorn & killed 2 colonels

  Tags: military

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• I was feeling lonely, so I bought some shares. It's nice to have some company.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The wife ran into the house, screaming to her actor husband, "Darling, come quick. Your kids and my kids are beating up on our kids!"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss-a-Brie? I cheddar the world and the feta cheese, everybody’s looking for Stilton.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• The Earth's surface is 70% water. That water is uncarbonated. Therefore, the Earth is flat.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What kind of key opens a casket? A skeleton key.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What makes bows so accurate? Arrowdynamics.

  Tags: one-liners

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• We tried Plan a, b, c, d but none have worked. But, Plan e just might take off

  Tags: one-liners

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• Let me make this simple, I want to be invited but I don't want to go.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Calculators May Be Ugly On The Outside. But Its What's On The Inside That Counts.

  Tags: one-liners

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• People who eat Tide Pods are idiots. The Costco brand pods are half the price. Just saying.

  Tags: one-liners

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• There's a little-known, but foolproof defense against sharks. Sharks will only attack you if you're wet.

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• If I was a cop I would be ticketing people for not using their turn signals.. Left and right

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• Writing a horror screenplay. It starts off with a ringing phone. The person answers, and it's their mum saying "I have a computer question."

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Why couldn’t the sailor play cards? Because the captain was standing on the deck

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• What's the fastest liquid on earth? Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.

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• The furniture store keeps calling me back..... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

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• Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.

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• A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says, "five beers, please."

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• Can a salmon be contained? No, but a tuna can.

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• They say "don't try this at home" so I'm coming over to your house to try it...

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• Why are Astronauts always so calm? There's no pressure in space.

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• what do zombie cereal mascots say? graaaiiiins

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• One day a duck walked into a drugstore and bought some lipstick. She walked up to the clerk and said, "Put it on my bill!"

  Tags: puns

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• How do you drown a hipster? Throw them into the mainstream.

  Tags: one-liners

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• There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Why don't you do arithmetic in the jungle? Because if you add 4 + 4 you get ate!

  Tags: one-liners, animal, food

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• Why did the librarian get kicked off the plane? Because it was overbooked.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What did Charizard say to Pikachu? Charizard

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• I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

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• This vehicle stopped on a dime. Unfortunately, the dime was in Joey's pocket

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• I just read that alligators can grow up to 15 feet. But I haven't seen any with more than 4.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot. Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B

  Tags: one-liners

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• I asked my chemist friend if it took him 4 years to get his degree... He said "Sodium Bromate."

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• If you're not part of the solution... You're part of the precipitate.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Twitter is my 'serious' account. My Bank account is the 'joke' one.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• How do you milk a sheep? Put an apple logo on your product.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When inmates fall in love. Do the finish each others sentences?

  Tags: one-liners

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