Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• Why did the functions stop calling each other? Because they had constant arguments.

  Tags: classic, programming

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• If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.

  Tags: one-liners

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• English can be weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I saw a nice stereo on Craigslist for $1. Seller says the volume is stuck on ‘high’ I couldn’t turn it down.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? It's two-tired.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat. The first kid said, "My dad is so scared that, when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed." "Oh, yeah? That's nothing," said the second kid. "My dad is so scared that, when my mom has to work the night shift, he goes next door to sleep with Mrs. Jones!"

  Tags: children

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• Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.

  Tags: classic, general

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• One day Tarzan comes home to the treehouse and says "Jane.. give me a double Matini". Jane says "What is wrong with you -- you don't drink alcohol!" Tarzan says "It's a jungle out there!"

  Tags: misc

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• Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.

  Tags: animal

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• Joe: Do you know the difference between a chicken and lettuce? Jill: No. Joe: Remind me not to send you to the supermarket!

  Tags: misc

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• Q: How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Does it have to be a lightbulb?

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."

  Tags: children

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• What's worse than 10 babies in one dumpster? 1 baby in 10 dumpsters.

  Tags: children

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• A complex is a phobia. A complex is a large building. A complex is another word for complicated. So if you have a phobia about complicated large buildings, you might be said to have a complex complex complex.

  Tags: puns

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• How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the bulb has got to WANT to change.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• There's no reason to be tailgating me when I'm doing 50 in a 35 and those flashing lights on your car look stupid.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I got a dog from the blacksmiths the other day... As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Mr. Smith: "So, Mr. Jones, how's your son John?" Mr. Jones: "He's at Harvard right now." Mr. Smith: "Oh, really?! Well, congratulations! What's he studying?" Mr. Jones: "Oh, he's not studying anything. They're studying him."

  Tags: college

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• What is the definition of wicker box? It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: How do you know there are four elephants in your refrigerator? A: There's an empty Mini parked outside.

  Tags: animal

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• Fellow orders a triple whisky at the bar and stikes up a conversation with the landlord.Fellow: I shouldn't drink this with what I've Got!Landlord: Why what have you got?Fellow: Fifty Pence!

  Tags: misc

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• What is represented by this? Way One Way!

  Tags: animal

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• Pilot: "Pilot to tower. I am 300 miles from land. 600 feet over water and running out of fuel. Please instruct!" Tower: "Tower to pilot. Tower to pilot. Repeat after me, 'Our Father, who art in heaven...'"

  Tags: misc

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• What did the Java code say to the C code? You've got no class.

  Tags: classic, programming

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• The teacher told one kid, "You're going to flunk this subject because you haven't finished your homework assignments." The kid said, "Good. I flunked all the other ones because I'm stupid."

  Tags: children

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• An Engineering Major says "How does it work?" A Science Major says "Why does it work?" An Accounting Major says "How much will it cost?" A Liberal Arts Major says "Do you want fries with that?"

  Tags: college

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• What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him i was married now and that's where i sleep.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The accountant's prayer: "Lord, help me be more relaxed about insignificant details, starting tomorrow at 10.53:16 am, Eastern Daylight Saving Time."

  Tags: at-work

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• Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them

  Tags: one-liners

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• I think my smartphone is broken. I keep pressing the Home button, but I'm still working.

  Tags: tech

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• Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a Labrador dog. "Oh, I wouldn't if I were you!", says Mick. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

  Tags: animal

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• Why did the console gamer get a headache at the art museum? Too many frames.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the hipster drown? He went ice Skating before it was cool

  Tags: one-liners

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• I didn't lose my mind! I sold it on Ebay...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: What type of storage units do underwater computers use? A: Trilo-bytes

  Tags: puns

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• Page turner

  I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

  Tags: science, puns

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• Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience. A: Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• The bartender says "We don't serve time travelers in here." A time traveler walks into a bar.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a Grizzly with no teeth? A gummy bear

  Tags: puns

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• How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive West.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Johnny and his mother were having a parent-teacher conference. MOTHER: Johnny really enjoys having you as a teacher, Mrs. Bengal. JOHNNY: Really? I didn't know it was opposite day!

  Tags: children

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• I believe in making the world safe for our children. But not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

  Tags: misc

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• I wonder who came up with the company People's Gas and where was their Pepto-Bismal?

  Tags: one-liners

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• A man was searching the dictionary for the word 'Dictionary'. He found this meaning: Dictionary is the thing you are holding, Stupid. Wondering what the definition of stupid was, he searched for the word stupid, he found: Is that you again?

  Tags: misc

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• How do you catch a unique rabbit? You nique up on it! How do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way!

  Tags: animal

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• Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Alva Edison.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Knock Knock? Who's there? Megan Megan who? Makin a list chekin it twice gonna find out who's naughty or nice.

  Tags: knock-knock

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• What kind of dinosaur loves to sleep? A stega-snore-us.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Why did the chicken cross the road? There weren't any cars coming!

  Tags: misc

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• Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a plum? A: Their color.

  Tags: animal

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• What's better than roses on your piano?? Tulips on your organ! (two-lips)

  Tags: misc

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• Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: ''Oh wow, is it like dark, man?''

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• An old Chinese couple is lying in bed late one night. The Old man turns to his wife and says, "I want 69!"The old women looks confused, and then asks, "Why you want beef and broccoli now?"

  Tags: misc

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• Just saw on the news that Apple is suing Samsung: They claim that the Galaxy S3 has copied concepts used on the iPhone 6.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

  Tags: classic, general

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• If I had a dime for everytime I thought about you... I would definitely think about you

  Tags: one-liners

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• Ever walk into a room and forget what you came in for? Well, that's probably how dogs spend most of their lives...

  Tags: animal

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• I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

  Tags: one-liners

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• After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, the interviewer described the person to his boss as rather monosyllabic. The boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that his boss was just kidding, he played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

  Tags: at-work

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• Please answer yes or no to this question. Is your answer "no"? Hint: This is under trick, remember. Answer: Yes or no.

  Tags: animal

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• And the beast shall come forth surrounded by a roiling cloud of vengeance. The house of the unbelievers shall be razed and they shall be scorched to the earth. Their tags shall blink until the end of days.

  Tags: tech

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• Two wrongs do not make a right, but three rights make a left.

  Tags: puns

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• too much to pay for corn ([a] buck an ear)

  Tags: one-liners

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• You Know You're Addicted to Wocka When. . . .

  You know you're addicted to wocka when your friends say something funny, and you cry out ''LOL, LOL'' instead of actually laughing out loud.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I couldn't fix your brakes, so instead I made your horn louder.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Be content with what you've got, but be sure you've got plenty of it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a dinosaur that is able to give you a synonym for any word you give him? Answer: A Thesaurus! :)

  Tags: animal

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• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When I die I want to go peacefully - like my grandfather did - in his sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I took a selfie after my kidney removal surgery. hashtag nofilter

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two cows are talking in a field, the first cow says "How about that mad cow disease?" The second cow replies "I wouldnt know I'm a helicopter."

  Tags: misc

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• Some bloke just told me he was gonna smack me with the neck of his guitar.... I said, is that a fret?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat

  Can You Decipher This Phrase? cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat Catch 22! (22 cats).

  Tags: animal

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• Teacher: Jimmy! Count from one all the way to ten! Jimmy: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10. Teacher: Good, now what comes after that? Jimmy:Jack, queen and king!

  Tags: children

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• I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist. It's called 'Facebook'

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: How long will it take for a field service engineer to change a light bulb? A: That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with them.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• "I have a bad headache. I'll visit the doctor.""Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, gave a big kiss to my wife and the pain disappeared. Why don't you try it?""Good idea, call up your wife and tell her I'll be right over."

  Tags: misc

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• A speaker was having a little trouble getting started in his speech. All of the sudden someone from the audience shouted: "Tell 'em everything you know. It will only take a mintue. ""I'll tell e'm what we both know," shot back the speaker. "It won't take any longer. "

  Tags: misc

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• How do you spell candy with two letters? C and Y

  Tags: one-liners

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• A calendar – something that goes in one year and out the other.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why was Cinderella kicked off the basketball team? She kept running away from the ball!!

  Tags: sports

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• Officer: "And you still insist you're innocent, in spite of the fact that we have six witnesses to the crime ?" Offender: "If it's witnesses you want, I can produce seventy people who didn't see me steal the stuff."

  Tags: misc

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• Knock Knock! Who's there? Who who. Who who who? Is there an owl in here?

  Tags: knock-knock

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• There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who thought they knew what the punchline would be, and those who are now searching for the original joke.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two Eskimos sitting in their boat were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the boat, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

  Tags: puns

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• Dear son, Good luck with your exams tomorrow. I always think that it's best to stay up partying all of the night before an exam. Exam rooms are always a good place to catch up on sleep, because they're silent, and there's nothing to do in them anyway. Love, Dad

  Tags: college

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• The gangster's last words – "Who put that violin in my violin case?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend Doug pointed up at a bird circling overhead and said, "Look, it's an eagle!" "That doesn't look like an eagle," I said. "Well of course not," he shot back amazingly quickly. "It's travelling incognito. Haven't you ever heard that "Eagles are Masters of De Skys?"

  Tags: animal

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• What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a pig? Jurassic pork!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up? Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

  Tags: classic, programming

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• A three legged dog is walking down the middle of the road with a shotgun in his hand. When he was asked why he had a shotgun he said "I'm looking for the man who shot my pa".

  Tags: animal

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• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

  Tags: one-liners

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• This guy buys a parrot. Every morning he stands in front of the cage and asks in a pleasant voice "Can you talk?" This goes on for weeks with absolutely no response from the bird.Finally one morning, totally fed up, he shouts "CAN YOU TALK, YOU STUPID CREATURE? CAN YOU TALK?"The bird looks him in the eye and says "I can talk, all right. Can you fly?"

  Tags: animal

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• The masked and armed man entered the bank. "Nobody move, or you're geography!" shouts the bandit. One of the tellers says, "Don't you mean 'history'?" "Don't change the subject!"

  Tags: puns

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• "People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day." -Poor Bear

  Tags: misc

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• What did the late tomato say to the early tomato? I’ll ketch up

  Tags: classic, general

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• How many seconds are in a year? 12. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd.... etc

  Tags: classic, general

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• Today I am celebrating 100 days without alcohol! Not consecutively, though.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Is that a mirror in your jeans? Because I can see myself in them.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two guys were walking along a road in Georgia when they were struck by a police car driven by a drunken cop. One guy was thrown through the windshield and his buddy was knocked down an embankment. The first guy was charged with breaking and entering; and the second with leaving the scene of an accident.

  Tags: puns

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• When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

  Tags: misc

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• Just when you are finally happy with your life and eveything going on in your life.... You get married and ruin it!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is a football pitch so cold? Because of all the fans

  Tags: sports

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• Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty

  Tags: classic, general

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• Why did the developer go to therapy? They had too many unresolved issues.

  Tags: classic, programming

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• I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. Turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

  Tags: classic, general

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• When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....

  Tags: misc

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• One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?" "Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

  Tags: animal

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• CUSTOMER: "Look at that watch you sold me. It broke. You told me it would last a lifetime." CLERK: "Yeah, well you looked pretty sick the day you bought it."

  Tags: misc

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• Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:

  Tags: school

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• A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy." His friend replies, "How's that?" "It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."

  Tags: at-work

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• Today I quit drinking for good. now I only drink for evil

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.

  Tags: classic, general

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• The last time a group of New Englanders destroyed Atlanta this badly. Sherman marched to the sea

  Tags: one-liners

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• A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet... But I can only walk so fast.

  Tags: one-liners

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• God: "Whew! I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth." Angel: "What are you going to do now?" God: "Call it a day."

  Tags: puns

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• Knock knock. Who's there? Opportunity. That is impossible. Opportunity doesn’t come knocking twice!

  Tags: classic, knock-knock

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• This guy comes walking out of a store carrying a big grandfather's clock. A drunk man bumps into him and the guy drops the clock and smashes it all to hell. The guy says, "Why don't you watch where you're going?" and the drunk says, "Why don't you carry a wrist watch like everybody else?"

  Tags: misc

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• Q. Why did the dog fall out of the tree? A. Because it was dead Q Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? A. Because it was stapled to the dog! Q. Why did the tree fall over? A. Because it thought it was a game.

  Tags: misc

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• Vegans who drink water disgust me. That's a Fish's house you filthy Savage.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The creator of WinRAR was arrested and put on trial. The trial was supposed to last 40 days, but it keeps on going

  Tags: one-liners

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• By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it's raining in Sweden. How the hell am I supposed to know if it's raining in Sweden?

  Tags: one-liners

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• An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.

  Tags: sports

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• Today, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid... I can't wait to see how big my puppy is now!!!!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did Yoda say when he watched Star Wars on Blu-Ray? HDMI

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar... followed by Batman.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I love throwing house warming parties. But for some reason the police keep calling it 'Arson'.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Lawyers creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My buddy just lost his job at a cinema that only shows Pixar films... He forgot to show Up

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you know that protons have mass? I didn't even know they were catholic.

  Tags: classic, general

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• I burned my Hawaiian pizza today... I guess i should have put the oven on aloha setting

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you get pikachu on a bus? You pokemon.

  Tags: misc

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• A dad to his son: If someone calls for me, tell him that I'm out. The son: And if he doesn't call?

  Tags: children

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• Why do people say "This is the first day of the rest of your life"? Isn't that true about everyday unless you die that day?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What’s E.T. short for? He’s only got little legs.

  Tags: classic, general

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• What do elves post on Social Media? Elf-ies.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Ok. I honestly saw this on a billboard: Illiterate? Call this number to learn how to read.

  Tags: misc

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• A golf ball is a golf ball, no matter how you putt it.

  Tags: puns

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• Geometry

  Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.

  Tags: puns, math

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• A pregnant woman was taking a shower and her three year old daughter said,"Mommy, you're getting fat!"And the mother replied,"That because a baby is growing in my tummy."To which the daughter said,"Yeah,but what's growing in you butt?"

  Tags: children

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• Why does President Clinton invite so many ladies into his private study? He wants to show them his executive branch.

  Tags: puns

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• How many members of a certain demographic group does it take to perform a specified task? A finite number: one to perform the task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of the group in question.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• I made a belt out of watches once... It was a complete waist of time.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Knowledge cannot enter the head via an open mouth.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The next iPhone won't be a failure. In fact, it'll be a huge 6S.

  Tags: one-liners

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• (A continuation of Joke #7939 Idiot #9 - - - - - - A woman called the cops from her house and said, "My ex-boyfriend stole my pot!" So the police went to the ex-boyfriends house, took the marijuana, and arrested him. The same officer went to the woman's house and asked her to identify if it was her pot. She confirmed it was hers, and was taken away in the police car.

  Tags: misc

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• Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a roman catholic.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Q. How many ADD kids does it take to change a light bulb? A. Hey, let's go ride bikes!

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• What did one German wheat farmer say to the other German wheat farmer? Gluten tag

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• What do you do when you're lonely on an Alaskan cruise? Answer: Go to the window and yell "whale"

  Tags: one-liners

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• What you humans call 'THE APOCALYPSE', I used to call Sunday Dinner! - Archangel, Gabriel

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q. How do lesbians handle their liquor? A. By the ears. (Lick her)

  Tags: one-liners

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• A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts. A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" "Why, officer?" asks the blonde. "Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed." "Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"

  Tags: blonde-jokes

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• What's is the difference between ignorance and negligence? I don't know and I don't care.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; if ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How did Darth Vader know what Obi-Wan Kenobi was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents...

  Tags: one-liners

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• I told my friends I had a date with a really attractive girl... they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are too.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Teacher: Billy, tell me the periodic for water. Billy:Okay. H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O. Teacher: What makes you say that? Billy: You said it was H to O.

  Tags: children

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• Birthdays are good for your health. Studies have shown that people with more birthdays live longer.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why am I stronger than Tarzan? Because I can beat on my chest without screaming.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

  Tags: misc

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• Why was the baby ant afraid of his uncles? Because his uncles were all ants!

  Tags: animal

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• If you want to make someone laugh, use this line: Sorry. say that again. I couldn't hear you over my fart.

  Tags: one-liners

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• They say you can’t get a decent job without education. But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What kind of bagel can fly? A plain bagel.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Foreign Film Any movie shown in a Texas theater that isn't a western.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient. "You only have six months to live." The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time." "Okay," the doctor said, "let's make it nine months."

  Tags: misc

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• Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."

  Tags: at-work

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• What do cubs fans do after they win the world series? They turn off their Xbox.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the lunch lady say to the boiled egg? You're in hot water now!!!

  Tags: puns

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• What kind of shoes does a thief wear? Sneakers

  Tags: classic, general

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• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Poise: the ability to continue speaking fluently while the other fellow is picking up the cheque.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

  Tags: misc

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• I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I can take a look around, but they said "no" and slammed the door on me. My parents can be real jerks sometimes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the difference between a Mexican and a Bench? A bench can support a whole family.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Knock-knock! Who's there? Toby. Toby who? Toby or not toby that is the question!

  Tags: knock-knock

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• Can you decipher this phrase? HOT HOT HANDLE HANDLE Too hot to handle!

  Tags: misc

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• What do you call something with 4 eyes, 3 noses, 7 ears, and 2 mouths? Ugly!

  Tags: misc

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• A pirate walks in to a bar, he has the whole pirate gettup: peg leg, funky hat,the long beard, and the parrot. But he has a ship steering wheel in his pants.The bartender says,"Excuse me, but you have a ship steering wheel in your pants."The pirate says,"Arrrggg, IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS!"

  Tags: misc

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• Knock Knock ! Who's there ? Bless ! Bless who ? I didn't sneeze !

  Tags: knock-knock

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• Darn those pushy metric system advocates! Give them 2.54 cm., and they'll take 1.6093 km!

  Tags: tech

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• My name is David and I had my ID stolen the other day. Now they just call me Dav.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, it turned itself in.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Why does Tigger smell so bad? Cause he's always hanging out with Pooh.

  Tags: puns

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• I accidentally clicked on a "You've won an iPhone"-popup. Luckliy it was only a virus.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Peyton Manning is opening a bakery. As a special promotion, he's giving away turnovers.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How Can You Tell If a Man's a Redneck?

  If he concentrates on the bottle because it says, "from concentrate!"

  Tags: misc

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• How does a rodeo star get around? With a cattle-act.

  Tags: puns

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• How many Microsoft executives does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They just redefine 'darkness' as an industry standard.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did Spock find in the toilet? The captain's log.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where does Fonzie like to go for lunch? Chick-Fil-Eyyyyyyyy.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!

  Tags: puns

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• How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: What is a cheerleader's favorite drink? A: Root Beer!

  Tags: one-liners

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• The cop got out of his and walked up to the kid who was stopped for speeding. He rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

  Tags: misc

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• Q: What did Jane say to Tarzan when she saw the elephants coming? A: Here come the plums; she was color blind.

  Tags: animal

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• What did Batman say to Robin before getting in the Batmobile? "Get in the Batmobile, Robin!"

  Tags: misc

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• The assistant curator of the musuem came to the head curator with a couple of problems. "Sir, the mummy is damp and getting mouldy. And the white mouse in the maze exhibit has developed dry skin." The head curator thought for a minute, then advised, "Put your mummy where your mouse is."

  Tags: puns

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• Why didn't the skeleton go to the party? He had no body to go with.

  Tags: classic, one-liner

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• My wife and I were at an outdoor shopping mall, and I came across what I thought was a 'life-sized' chess board. So I began playing chess solo. Ten moves in, my wife comes by and says, "Honey, that's a crà ̈che!"

  Tags: animal

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• Knock knock. Who's there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in, it's raining!

  Tags: knock-knock

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• How does the man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet? But most just have 4.

  Tags: classic, general

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• How many nerds does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One to be the cunsultant. One to be the labor manager. Two to hire people. Four to actually screw in the lightbulb. Five to be the ladder and ten to be the company board of directors.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Why did the man run around his bed? Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!

  Tags: classic, general

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• I was wondering what my parents did without the internet. and none of my 7 siblings could tell me

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does the mermaid wear to math class? Algae-bra.

  Tags: classic, general

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• A boy go to a girls house and notice her home is very messy and full of paper and clay pot and clothing all over. The boy tell her he bring some pot to her and she answer there is clay pot all over home.

  Tags: puns

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• Why did the private classes break up? Because they never saw each other.

  Tags: classic, programming

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• How Can One Person Make So Many Mistakes...

  Teacher: Alfred, how can one person make so many mistakes in one day? Alfred: I get up early.

  Tags: children

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• A woman and her goose walked into a bar. The bartender asked, "Why'd you bring the pig in the bar?" The woman answered, "I do believe this is a goose!" The bartender says, "I was talking to the goose!"

  Tags: bar

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• How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Why can't a dalmatian puppy hide from his mom? 'Cause he's already been spotted!

  Tags: animal

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• What do you do when you see a space man? Park your car, man.

  Tags: classic, general

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• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: How many management information services guys does it take to change a light bulb? A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned you request number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to the light bulb issue.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Happy Halloween... Why did the Ghost enter the bar... For the BOOOOS

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why Did the Dinosaur Cross the Road?

  Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because chickens weren't invented yet.

  Tags: animal

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• A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"The housewife replies: "Four!".The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?

  Tags: misc

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• What do Michael Jackson and plastic bags have in common? They are both made out of plastic and are dangerous for children to play with.

  Tags: children

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• Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it

  Tags: classic, general

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• A horse walked into a bar. The barman said, "Why the long face?"

  Tags: animal

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• Q. What do you call Asians swimming in a pool? A. Cornflakes

  Tags: misc

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• I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, "Well, this changes everything"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Joke: Why does Snoop Dogg Carry an umbrella? Answer: For Drizzle my nizzle

  Tags: one-liners

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• Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It only took me six months, which is amazing considering the box says 2-4 years.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are golf balls small and white? Because if they were big and grey they would be elephants.

  Tags: misc

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• What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A stick.

  Tags: classic, general

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• I was watching my friend instant message. She was talking to a kid that she knew. The kid had lost his hat. I suggested, rather foolishly, to look in his nose. (As a joke, of course) My friend typed this. He then wrote (without seeing the message that my friend wrote) I'm going to look there on Monday.

  Tags: misc

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• A teacher asked his student: Give me an example of 6 animals. The student: 3 Lions, 2 Tigers , and 1 Cheetah !

  Tags: animal

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• If you ever get in a knife fight with a group of clowns. Go for the juggler

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why does Superman get invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

  Tags: classic, general

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• What is represented by this? T N O R F O T Back to front!

  Tags: misc

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• Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Did you hear about the 2 guys that stole a calendar? They each got 6 months.

  Tags: one-liners

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