Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• How do you measure the quality of a dadjoke? With a sighsmograph

  Tags: one-liners

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• Everyone has a friend who laughs funnier than he jokes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I once tried to make a square but I ended up with an octagon. That’s what happens when you cut corners

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a horse who expresses negative views? A Naysayer.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Kim Jung Un loves to read books, what does that make him? A glorious reader.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Isn't it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When you're a kid, you don't realize you're also watching your mom and dad grow up.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated”. and “non-hyphenated”?

  Tags: one-liners

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• The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Why isn't suntanning an Olympic sport? Because the best you can get is bronze.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Period- The thing at the end of a sentence.

  Tags: misc

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• How do you milk sheep? Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1000 for it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A calendar – something that goes in one year and out the other.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I can sympathize with batteries. I never get included in anything either.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Accordion to scientific studies, 90% .. of people do not realise I replaced the beginning of this joke with a musical instrument.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.

  Tags: one-liners

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• So...the past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You know the times have changed... When Portugal leaves Brazil without taking any Gold.

  Tags: one-liners

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• RIP to my good friend Brian eaten by a pack of dyslexic zombies :(

  Tags: one-liners

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• Punctuation can really change a sentence. For example, "Let's eat kids" becomes. "Let's eat punctuation"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Last Father's Day my son gave me something I always wanted: the keys to my car.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• I play in the low 80's. If it is hotter than that, I won't play.

  Tags: sports

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• Why do british people pronounce it as bri'ish? They drank the T

  Tags: one-liners

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• You can't run through a camp ground. You can only ran, because it's past tents.

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• A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money, so I woke up and searched with him.

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• And The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life" ...but John came in fifth and won a toaster.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Squirrels always act like it's their first day of being a squirrel.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What do you get when you cross elephant DNA with Human DNA? A lifetime ban from the zoo.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• The problem with being in the center of attention is that half of it is always behind your back.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I childproofed the house… but they still get in!

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• Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to have a job. I just wish it wasn't THIS job.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If it weren't for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for everybody.

  Tags: puns

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• A test-tube baby has a womb with a view.

  Tags: puns

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• Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Shout out to my student loan for getting me through college. I don't know how I'll ever be able to repay you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I had a nickel for every time I thought of you. I'd start thinking about you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was assaulted by a man with a block of cheese. I mean, how dairy!

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• What's E.T. short for? So he can fit in his spaceship.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the tectonic plate say to the other tectonic plate when he bumped into the him? Sorry, my fault.

  Tags: one-liners

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• IRS... we've got what it takes, to take what you've got

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• A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there's no real difference between me and George Clooney.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• The other day I was singing in the shower, and I got soap in my mouth. Guess what happened then? It became a soap opera.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do arrows and young ladies have in common? They're all aquiver in the presence of a beau.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The Lazy Bowl Reclining toilet: It's plush while you flush!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Don't you just love whiteboards? They're remarkable.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend really changed onced she decided to be a vegetarian. It's like I've never known herbivore

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• People keep telling me to become a stand-up comedian and I'm like "Ugh, standing."

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• Thieves broke into my shop and stole 15 cases of Red Bull. I don't know how these people sleep at night

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• A person who speaks two languages is bilingual and one who speaks three, is trilingual. What do you call a person who speaks only one language? American

  Tags: one-liners

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• A Cable repairman was on my street today and he asked me what time it was. I replied "It is between 1 and 8 pm."

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

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• What’s a three letter word that starts with gas? Car

  Tags: one-liners

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• Switzerland is a great country, with amazing views and nice people. And their flag is also great, which is a huge plus.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just went to the Air & Space museum. Boy do I feel ripped off. It was just an empty room.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I think pennies are made of copper and zinc. But that’s just my two cents

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• What is the difference between Game of Thrones and Twitter? With Twitter you only get 140 characters.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Laziness Level: I get jealous when it's bedtime in other countries

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant. but then I changed my mind

  Tags: one-liners

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• Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• When I told my family I wanted to do stand-up comedy all they did was laughing.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention. Laughed more than I thought.

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• The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

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• What do you call a depressed pair of croissants? Pain au pain.

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• What does Earth get on Earth day ? A birthday quake !

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• How do you get three old ladies to say the "F" word? Yell "BINGO!"

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• I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn't answered a phone call since 2008.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• I dated an English teacher for a few months, but it didn't work out. She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

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• Can you conquer the largest continent on earth? No, but Genghis Khan!

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• My brother and I laugh at how Competitive we were as kids. But I laugh more.

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• Take my advice — I'm not using it.

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• My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I spy with my little eye nothing because I only have two normal-sized eyes.

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• I just ended a 5 year relationship today. It's okay. It wasn't my relationship.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the difference between Will Smith and Scotland ? Independence Day

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• Why is CoD: Infinite Warfare set in space? Because no one on earth wants to buy it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."

  Tags: at-work

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• I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam".

  Tags: animal

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• Sometimes when people are sad, I let them color in my tattoos. Sometimes people just need a shoulder to crayon.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the worst name for a chain of restaurants? Dominoes

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's DJ Khaleds favourite number? 11 because it has another 1.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm anti-work but pro-paycheck so you see my dilemma.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, money

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• What a do a bunch of people in Brazil speak? Portuguese. What does just one Brazilian speak? Portugoose.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the paper say to the pencil? You've got a good point!

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• What does a pulley like the best about its position? It's the center of a tension.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did KGB officers always travel in threes? One who could read, one who could write, and the third to watch over those two dangerous intellectuals.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?

  Tags: heaven-and-hell

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• I just watched A Christmas Carol with Patrick Stewart. What he’s doing round my house I don’t know.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sonic looked like his games were getting better in recent years. and then BOOM

  Tags: one-liners

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• Someone keyed the music teacher’s car. Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo. All the other paintball players started freaking out though.

  Tags: one-liners

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• 99.9% of people are idiots. Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people

  Tags: one-liners

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• The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uhh...

  Tags: one-liners

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• I could make jokes about bears, but they are unbearable.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

  Tags: crazy-jokes

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• Did you hear about the failed mission to Antarctica? Their journey went south.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why can't you use sarcasm with a kleptomaniac? Because they take things literally.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When you have finished reading the dictionary? Every other book is just a remix.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, food

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• People who say they've lost their voice are lying.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Which celebrity is always ready for ice cream? Reese, with her spoon.

  Tags: one-liners

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• It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France; otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is a vampire's sweetheart called? His ghoul-friend.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I felt very lonely so I bought some stocks. It's nice to have a bit of company.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Have you heard about the street performer who did his act in the middle of a hurricane? It was mime-blowing

  Tags: one-liners

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• It's crazy how sexist the postal service is. I guess that's natural with such a mail dominated industry.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do ducks smoke? Qwack

  Tags: one-liners

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• [Dirty] Some more dirt was mysteriously added to my garden last night... The plot thickens

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wear two pairs of pants when I go golfing. People always ask me why I do. I say, "I wear two pants when's I golf just in case I get a hole-in-one.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, sports

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• I was recently asked to name two structures that contain water. I responded "Well, dam"

  Tags: one-liners

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• A goat, a drum, and a rattlesnake fall down a cliff... ba dum tss

  Tags: one-liners

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• Fishermen hate him—you'll never guess this one strange item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else. Click bait

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When I went to Japan on vacation, I didn't see a single ninja. Impressive.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The best way to accelerate Windows is through one.

  Tags: tech

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• The rotation of earth. Really makes my day.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I hate Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Hey! Football team! Get off the band field!

  Tags: one-liners

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• From my 8 year old: what's the most comfortable car? A comfortible

  Tags: one-liners

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• I cropped my kids out of my online dating profile photos. They can find their own dates.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discovered fire.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why can’t you play basketball with a sovereign citizen? They are always traveling

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• My local movie theater was robbed of almost $10,000. The thieves got away with three boxes of popcorn, two large sodas, three boxes of candy and a hotdog.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a snowman in July? A puddle.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They're normally around 90 degrees.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is a doctor always calm? Because it has a lot of patients.

  Tags: one-liners, medical

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• Why did the console gamer cross the road? To render the other side

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you sin 90 times you'll only be caught 45 times. Because Sin 90 = Cot 45

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm Telling You . . . .

  "Everything that can be invented has been invented." - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

  Tags: tech

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• A fool and his money are soon partying.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did Adam and Eve ever have a date? No, but they had an Apple.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I know that there are people who don't love their fellow man – I hate those people.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "If two wrongs don't make a right, what do two rights make?" An Airplane

  Tags: one-liners

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• My roommate's cellphone broke. He wants me to let you guys know he's vegan

  Tags: one-liners

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• To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When I play rock, paper, scissors, people think I always choose scissors. They're wrong. I'm actually flashing a peace sign. Stop the violence.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about that guy who fell into the infinity pool? Yeah... it took him forever to get out.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The first step to causing drama is making sure you tell everyone you hate drama.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you have bad credit, make friends with a trigonometrist. They will cosine for you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I spent £80 taking my son to see the cricket today. Eighty quid and all it did was hop about and chirrup.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Do you know how to avoid clickbait? Obviously not

  Tags: one-liners

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• Recursion

  To understand recursion, you must first understand recursion.

  Tags: tech, one-liner

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• What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth? The Crimea River.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What’s Netflix’s biggest competitor? Sleep.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A truck full of wigs has just tipped over.Police are now combing the area.

  Tags: police-jokes

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• My next door neighbor banged on my door at 3:00 am last night. Fortunately, I was wide awake, playing my bagpipes on the back porch at the time.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Doctor's office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.

  Tags: one-liners, medical, programming

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• I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it's shell... It only made it more sluggish.

  Tags: one-liners

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• In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you know they have Knight Rider in the GDR? It's a Trabant with a pocket calculator!

  Tags: misc

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• What cereal does Spider-Man hate the most? Mystery O's

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards. I find that very hard to deal with.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A pencil and a scissors are having a debate. Everytime the pencil make a good point, the scissors get a little snippy.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you win three games of Twister in a row you're automatically a yoga instructor.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• If you were a triangle youd be acute one.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I forgot the Roman numerals for 51, 6, and 500. I am LIVID.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I tried to be an Uber driver... Trouble is, my passengers didn’t appreciate when I went the extra mile.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up? Someday my prints will come!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Becoming a parent is great. It's a beautiful and rewarding experience. It's almost as good as not becoming one.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's a tiger running a copying machine called? A copycat

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What makes a good tongue-twister? Well, it's hard to say...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said: ‘dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’

  Tags: one-liners

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• I once entered the world kleptomaniac championships. I took gold, silver, and bronze.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it's flat! In the end, he came around.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I told the waiter my fish was dry. The waiter said they had to take it out of the water.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "Persian sonic, why are you tired?" "Iran."

  Tags: one-liners

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• I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety. ...before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything

  Tags: one-liners

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• I used to be a narcissist. But now look at me

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where did the frugal judge sent the criminal? To the pennytentiary.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A king has 3 cups in front of him. The first 2 cups are full, the third cup is empty. What is the King's name? King Philip III

  Tags: one-liners

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• What was NASA thinking when they decided to fly a rocket into a meteor? Did I hit or didymos.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A quarter, dime and penny walk into a bar... Just wait this joke is going to make a lot of cents.

  Tags: one-liners

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• For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys this year? It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue? It was about a week back.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do British nuclear engineers eat? Fission chips.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is the archaeologist sad? Because his career is in ruins.

  Tags: one-liners

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• In the movie 'The Hunt for Red October' ... the entire story is the sub-plot.

  Tags: one-liners

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• People are lot less judgy when you say you ate an 'avocado salad' instead of a bowl of guacamole.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I mostly just scroll through Instagram as a reminder of what brands I said out loud yesterday.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• In France, do you know why they only eat one egg at breakfast time? Because one egg is enough

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did Australia get all the criminals while America got all the puritans? >!Because Australia won the coin toss!<

  Tags: one-liners

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• I didn't want to believe my father was stealing from the transportation department. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm giving up alcohol for a month. Wait, that came out wrong. I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Life is good you know. So I suggest you get one.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I watched hockey before it was cool. They basically were swimming.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Give a man a jacket, and he will be warm for the day. Teach a man to jacket, and he will never leave his house.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I bought a book titled "How To Scam People Online" about three months ago... It still hasn't arrived.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me. Don't worry, I only suffered super fish oil injuries.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I beat a black belt at karate. My next challenger is a green sock.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I got kicked out of school for playing an instrument. I got band

  Tags: one-liners

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• The creator of winrar is arrested. His trial is expected to last forever

  Tags: one-liners

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• The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron. Which is ironic.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• What is a vampires favourite type of ship? A blood vessel.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "I'm sorry" and "I apologise" usually mean the same thing. ...except at a funeral

  Tags: one-liners

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• Just trying to give my kids a few childhood memories they don't have to repress...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row they told me I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you refer to someone who got over their anxiety? Past tense

  Tags: one-liners

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• Rick Astley will lend you any of the Pixar films in his collection, except one. He's never gonna give you Up.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You can't have everything, where would you put it?

  Tags: one-liners

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• When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I've been running for 10 years.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• /u/username goes to the grocery store.... username checks out.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why can't Athiests solve exponential problems? Because they don't believe in higher powers.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the best card in Valve's Artifact? The Credit Card.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do ghosts serve for dessert? I Scream.

  Tags: one-liners

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• if stealing kids is kidnapping,is stealing adults oldnapping?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I thought about joining the Navy to be on a submarine... But I changed my mind, I had a sinking feeling about that career path....

  Tags: one-liners

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• The recipe said "Set the oven to 180 degrees" so I did, but now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park. It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.I am wearing a house.

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• The other day I held the door for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

  Tags: one-liners

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• So the other day, my friend told me that I have no idea what irony meant... Which was pretty ironic, considering we were at a bus stop.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store is free yet?

  Tags: one-liners

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• This idiot on the treadmill at the gym. Just put a water bottle in the Pringles holder.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When you try to prove to someone that something doesn't work, it will.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does 50 Cent call himself in Russia? 50,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 rubles

  Tags: one-liners

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• It is very easy to become a superman, you just have to change the sequence of clothes while wearing.

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• What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I before E. Except when you run a weird heist on a feisty foreign overweight neighbor wearing beige.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where is the best dentist for walruses? Tuscaloosa

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why shouldn't you enter into a contract with Wolverine? Because of his retractable clause.

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• My horse was way more aggressive than usual today. it threw me off

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• Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office. Me (taking notes): Note to self: Only bring international bees into the office

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are Astronauts always so calm? There's no pressure in space.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Americans may be ignorant of other cultures... But at least we invented the hamburger

  Tags: one-liners

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• I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

  Tags: one-liners

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• A teacher asks a student, "Are you ignorant or just apathetic?" The kid answers, "I don't know and I don't care."

  Tags: one-liners

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• Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

  Tags: one-liners

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• England fans must be pretty happy right now. They've been waiting years for their team to play like Spain.

  Tags: one-liners

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