Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• Sergeant: “Smith! I didn’t see you at camouflage practice today!”. Private Smith: “Thank you, Sir!”

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns... Then you’re looking in Alderaan places

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• One good thing about graduation is that you get to wear a funny hat that makes your brain look larger than it actually is.

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• if stealing kids is kidnapping,is stealing adults oldnapping?

  Tags: one-liners

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• The last airline I flew charged for everything. Except for the bad service. That was free.

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• Offering fruit to an Australian for breakfast may not make them happy.. ..But a veggie might.

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• I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that there is no bad news. The bad news is that there is no good news.

  Tags: misc

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• Shout-out to everyone who is struggling with establishing their identity. You know who you are.

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• You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool a Mom.

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• It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

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• Today I ended a long term relationship. I don't really care though, it wasn't mine.

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• When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

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• Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it just becomes a soap opera.

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• I took my new car back to the dealers, complaining it only did left turns - "drive in the opposite direction then" he said.

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• If the FBI needs to get into someones's iPhone without permission.. They should just call U2 and ask how they did it

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• I almost got busted for shoplifting candy today... But I got out of it. I've got a couple of twix up my sleeve.

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• One time, my teacher said to dump our Math books. Then she said to get your Social Studies book. Then that became history.

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• Americans may be ignorant of other cultures... But at least we invented the hamburger

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• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

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• I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• If breaks are meant to be slow... then why do they call it "breakfast"?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I start every conversation with my employees by saying, "I shouldn't be telling you this" just so I know they will listen.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat? Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A waiter on a ship said to a boarding lion "sir, do you want anything of the chef's special?" The lion said "nah..I'll look at the passenger list,though!"

  Tags: animal

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• If a person told you they were a pathological liar, should you believe them?

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• If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?

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• Just been chatting to my neighbour's teenage daughter and it turns out she's really into UFOs and aliens. Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted.

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• REMINDER: If you have promised your SO that you will love them 24/7. Today is 24/7

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• When I was little, my dad used to feed me alphabet soup, claiming that I loved it? I didn't really; he was just putting words in my mouth.

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• You’ll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor! Everybody.

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• I was assaulted by a man with a block of cheese. I mean, how dairy!

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I've just done my part to help the environment. I unplugged 6 electric vehicles that no one was using.

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• What did the fish say, when he posted bail? I'm off the hook

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• Global warming is a joke. Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

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• SpongeBob may be the main character in the show... ..but Patrick is the star.

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• Why didn't the Romans find algebra very difficult? Because X was always 10

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• Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days? Because their kids have to play inside!

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• The computer, the greatest invention in life even though it's bad for you.

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• I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

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• I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.. Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

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• Scientists have discovered a way to milk sheep. Just release a new iphone every year.

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• How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself? With a hare dryer!

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What weighs less than the color blue? Light blue

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• Becoming a father is easy enough, but being one can be very rough.

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• What is the best Christmas present ever? A broken drum - you can't beat it!

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• All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way.

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• How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.

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• People always call me a walking dictionary. I thought they meant I was smart with a good vocabulary, but apparently I’m just thick.

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• My son got an F in his geography exam today. I sent him to his room but he ended up in the kitchen

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• Where can you still get gas for $1.39? Taco Bell

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• If you aren't impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole. you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation

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• I have like 50 jokes about the unemployed. Trouble is, none of them work.

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• I decided to get tattoos of Italy and France on my chest. Now I have really sore Naples. But other than that, it turned out pretty Nice.

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• A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The girl replied, "Thanks for the Baghdad"

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• My tennis career has taught me that I can be the best basketball player ever. Nothing but net

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Why does Britain like tea so much? Because tea leaves.

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• In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

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• People keep telling me to become a stand-up comedian and I'm like "Ugh, standing."

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• If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd.. I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25

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• Here's a joke for the lock pickers. A key that opens any lock is a master key but a lock that opens with any key is a masterlock

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• What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Philoppe.

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• I just got this sick job at the Calendar factory. Unfortunately, I still can't get a date.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What should happen to the person who invented Knock Knock jokes? They should get a No-Bell prize. :)

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two FBI agents search an office and find a hard drive with "KGB" on it... One of the agents asks the other, "Why didn't they just write '1 TB' instead?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• The best way to accelerate Windows is through one.

  Tags: tech

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• I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• A scientist took a selfie while he was drinking liquid nitrogen. He was quoted as saying "It was the coolest shot I ever took"

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• Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, and he'll eat for a lifetime.

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• We've heard that ignorance of maths is growing geometrically, whatever that means.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Haven't worn a bra in 4 days.... I love being a man

  Tags: one-liners

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• Communist jokes are not funny... unless everyone gets them

  Tags: one-liners

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• I used to work at a fire hydrant factory couldn't park nowhere near the place.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• My five-year-old: "I don't want to be your daughter anymore. I QUIT!" No two-week notice or anything. She'd better not expect a reference.

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• I've just invented a telepathically controlled air freshener. Makes scents when you think about it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the boy climb up the tree with a hockey stick? Cause he wanted to join the maple leafs,

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.

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• Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it. Guess I really am. independent

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• How many Avatar characters does it take to change a lightbulb? None. It will change when the fire nation attacks

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• Where does a spy sleep? Under covers.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I can't wait for Valentine's Day because I get to make cupcakes for a special someone and that special someone is me.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you're forgetting.

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• What's it called when you apologize using dots and dashes? Remorse code

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• Doctor: “Sir, I have some bad news, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”. Me: “and?”

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• A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.

  Tags: one-liners

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• 16 More W K Than B K on a P

  16 more white keys than black keys on a piano.

  Tags: misc

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• I am thinking about pursuing a job as a crowd estimator. I wonder how many people are in that field

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why should you wary of stairs? Because they are always up to something.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt. I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• I was hooked on auctions after only going once... going twice.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• I'm looking to sell my Delorean. Good shape, low mileage... Only driven from time to time.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I bought a stunning house in the Arctic recently. Gives me chills everytime I step into it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What happens when you fall in love with a french chef? You get buttered up.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Newton: I've discovered calculus(1664). Leibneiz: I've discovered calculus(1670s) Newton: Really? Seems derivative.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back 4 seconds

  Tags: one-liners

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• I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth today. Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent

  Tags: one-liners

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• I received a flyer on anger management the other day. I lost it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you win three games of Twister in a row you're automatically a yoga instructor.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• What does a turtle call his aunt? Tort-tia

  Tags: one-liners

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• So I was asked the past tense of 'think' in a English test today. I thought and thought and thought and finally wrote 'thunk'.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you milk a sheep? Put an apple logo on your product.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about the guy who couldn't pay for his exorcism? He got repossessed.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Let's walk and talk. You go that way.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school? His heart wasn't in it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The bartender says "We don't serve time travelers in here." A time traveler walks into a bar.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Working on the computer is like driving a submarine. Once you open windows, the problems begin.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Canada's starting a space program to send a spaceship to the moon. They're calling the spaceship Apollo-G.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• If good things come in small packages, then more good things can come in large packages.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What’s it called when a tractor waits for a pedestrian to cross? Crop yield

  Tags: one-liners

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• Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Give a man a poison fish and feed him for the rest of his life.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself. Me: I'd rather not... I kinda want this job.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's time consuming.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you make holy water? You take ordinary tap water and boil the hell out of it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• In 20 years, I bet there's going to be a college course called eye contact.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't mind my geometry teacher asking me to draw a circle. But to then ask me to turn that circle into two equal parts? That's where I draw the line.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Sadly, I've lost 20% of my sight. Sigh

  Tags: one-liners

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• The pub is ten minutes from my house... However, my house is two hours from the pub...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Ever since I was diagnosed with dyscalculia, I don’t trust anyone anymore. I can’t count on anybody.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Someone asked me what the 9th letter of the Alphabet was. It was a complete guess, but I was right.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia. and she whispered "They're behind you."

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• If the speed of light is 186,000 miles/sec., what's the speed of darkness?

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• I have a condition that makes me eat when I can't sleep. It's called insom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nia

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• What do you call it when a singer gets a chance? An opera-tunity!

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• Today, when my son asked, "Can I have a book mark?" I burst into tears... 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Dave...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Who is married to Antarctica? Uncle-Arctica

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• "If two wrongs don't make a right, what do two rights make?" An Airplane

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• Anybody wanna be in a platonic relationship? I'm asking for a friend.

  Tags: one-liners

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• iPhone8 (X) has facial recognition. It looked at my face and told me that I can't afford it...

  Tags: one-liners, money, programming

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• Who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice? The Spanish Inquisition.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two guys walk into a bar: "Ouch! Oof!"

  Tags: misc

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• I went into a restaurant that served 'breakfast at any time'. So, I asked for French Toast in the time of the Renaissance

  Tags: one-liners

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• My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I'm still employed. I just can't remember where.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What's black and doesn't work? Decaffeinated coffee

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you weigh 99 pounds and eat 1 pound of nachos you will be 1% nachos!

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Which popular action figure has a farm? GI GI Joe

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where do you find a birthday present for a cat? In a cat-alogue!

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Remember, whenever someone says that you're nobody, remember nobody's perfect.

  Tags: misc

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• I may be bad at telling jokes, but... I am amazing at clickbait.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you turn a seal into a sea lion? Remove an electron.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do people litter? Because they dont take the litter signs litterally.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you guys hear about the kid getting arrested for bringing a clock to school? Sources say that the teachers were alarmed.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do we know that soccer referees are happy? Because they whistle while they work.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, sports

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• Why did the hand and the mitten get married? Because it was glove at first sight.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the paper say to the pencil? You've got a good point!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is David Byrne’s social security number? 444-44-4444

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• This is why I don't tell Math jokes. The average maths joke is pretty mean

  Tags: one-liners

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• I had a dream last night that I had a Magnesium deficiency.. I was like 0Mg

  Tags: one-liners

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• What’s the most British thing in the British museum? The name.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are the developers of NoMansSky called Hellogames? Because you never get a goodbuy from them

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend asked me if I was going to Asia... I told him, "Yeah, Siam."

  Tags: one-liners

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• Hi, how much for this torture device? Sir, that's a wedding ring.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Do you know who created fractions? I think it was Henry the 1/8.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• What’s a fireplace’s best feature? Dat ash.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• My professor accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why can't two elephants go swimming? -They only have one pair of trunks.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The US has placed 18th for math... It sounds bad, I’m just glad we hit top ten.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Did you here about the giant with a nosebleed? It was all over town

  Tags: one-liners

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• Gotta give credit to spiders... They're the only web-developers out there that actually enjoy finding bugs.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar... followed by Batman.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Vegans who drink water disgust me. That's a Fish's house you filthy Savage.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I recently got sick at the airport, my doctor says it's a terminal illness.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I went to an Art Gallery, it was $60 to enter and $80 to look at each picture. It was called Electronic Arts.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "Were any famous men born on your birthday?" "No, only little babies."

  Tags: one-liners

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• What packs a punch in your pants? Boxers.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likeable. It was an autobiography...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Look, if crying doesn't solve the problem, then maybe I'm just not the person you should be asking.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I went to a zoo and there was a baguette in a cage. The keeper said it was bread in captivity.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• My brother always lies, today he finally admitted to being a pathological liar. Yeah, like I'm falling for that

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where do sharks go on summer vacation? Finland!

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? are they afraid someone will clean them?

  Tags: one-liners

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• My boyfriend and I always laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh harder

  Tags: one-liners

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• "This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you. "Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine, I'll take two. "

  Tags: computers

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• All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• I can't jump over a cow, but you should check out my calves.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Activate your own virus... type "WIN" at the prompt.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippy? He was too far-out.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Lots of people thought I was a fool for going into debt because I overspent on therapy sessions. But now I'm laughing all the way to the bank.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• If it weren't for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for everybody.

  Tags: puns

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• What did the whale say to the dolphin when he pushed him? I didn't do it on porpoise!

  Tags: animal

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• Remember: You can eat your way out of almost any problem.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I used to be addicted to soap.... I'm clean now.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I used to steal comedians' jokes and not credit them. I still do, but I used to, too.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the most useful material? Scratch. You can make anything from scratch.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I went to the doctors recently He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty” I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”. He said, “No. Fatty, don’t eat anything."

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't believe in reincarnation, which is strange, because in a previous existence, I did.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I bought a little bag of air today... The company that made it was kind enough to put some potato chips in it as well.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What happened when the dog went to the flea circus ? He stole the show !

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Where do ghosts play tennis? On a tennis corpse!

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• "Doctor doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!" "I'll deal with you later!"

  Tags: medical

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• What's the police's favorite gaming console? WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U

  Tags: one-liners

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• When you have finished reading the dictionary? Every other book is just a remix.

  Tags: one-liners

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• There are 6.02x10^23 guacas in a guacamole, Which is also known as avocado’s number

  Tags: one-liners

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• The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'll be doing a book signing today at Barnes & Noble from 2pm until they kick me out for writing in random books.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a stallion raised by a reclusive author on whole grain wheat? A Thoreau-bred thoroughbred fed thorough bread.

  Tags: one-liners

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• To whoever has my voodoo doll, please hold its hand.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you're not will lead to a sweet reward.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."

  Tags: at-work

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• What's a tiger running a copying machine called? A copycat

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I used to be a baker but I couldn't make enough dough.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A gymnast walks into a bar... She is then deducted five points.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I tried dating a cougar once. Turned out she was a cheetah.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• 8 P, 8 N and 8 E in an O A

  8 protons, 8 neutrons and 8 electrons in an oxygen atom!

  Tags: misc

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• Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Apparently you can't use "beefstew" as a password. It just isn't stroganoff.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My dad has a pencil that was once owned by Shakespeare. It's so chewed up that we can't tell if it's 2b or not 2b.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals. It's pointless.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Hey! I recognize you! You're the third one over on the evolutionary scale!

  Tags: one-liners

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• My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week. My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Peter Mayhew will be reprising his role as Chewbacca in the next Star Wars movie! They said they wanted to cast the role to a veteran rather than a wookiee.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Punctuation can really change a sentence. For example, "Let's eat kids" becomes. "Let's eat punctuation"

  Tags: one-liners

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• It's so rude when someone's phone goes off in class. Some of us are trying to sleep.

  Tags: one-liners

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• They say don’t go grocery shopping while you’re hungry. But it’s been a week and I just keep getting hungrier.

  Tags: one-liners

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• In a messed up family, the child named Hope is goth, and the child named Faith is atheist.

  Tags: misc

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• They should stock ATM's better. I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: Where can you find a dog with no legs?A:Right where you left it.

  Tags: animal

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• It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Not hiring someone because they have tattoos completely ignores the fact that they clearly have no issues with pain or commitment.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

  Tags: misc

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• Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents? Because the rest of the letters are not-E.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat? Banned from the zoo.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Stephen King has a son named Joe. I’m not joking, but he is!

  Tags: one-liners

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• "Master Yoda, are we on the right track?" "Off course, we are.."

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What's the difference between rock and jazz? Rock is playing three chords for a thousand people. Jazz is playing a thousand chords for three people.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Dear alma mater, please don't send wealth management workshop invites to those of us who majored in creative writing.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What do you call blueberries playing the guitar? A jam session.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• My doctor said I need to cut back my sodium intake but I tend to take everything he says with a grain of salt.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?

  Tags: heaven-and-hell

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• I don’t trust my shadow. He’s a shady guy

  Tags: one-liners

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• My tennis opponent was not happy with my serve. He kept returning it.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Why don't people in Athens wake up early? Because dawn is tough on Greece

  Tags: one-liners

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