Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• There are so many scams on the Internet these days.... but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Why did the tree install solar panels? It wanted to be a power plant.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I once entered the world kleptomaniac championships. I took gold, silver, and bronze.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Facebook is set to release its own webmail client emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"

  Tags: one-liners

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• As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today. I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Back when I played hockey, they used to call me "the Titanic." I looked pretty good until I hit the ice.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Ok, what's the latest possible date that I can still make something of my life?

  Tags: one-liners

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• 19 and 20 got in a fight. 21.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uhh...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What a do a bunch of people in Brazil speak? Portuguese. What does just one Brazilian speak? Portugoose.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you make a kleenex dance?You put a little boogie in it.

  Tags: misc

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• Why shouldn't you enter into a contract with Wolverine? Because of his retractable clause.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You know what beats Stonehenge? Paperhenge

  Tags: one-liners

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• A dog is a man's best friend because it gives no advice, never tries to borrow money, and has no in-laws.

  Tags: animal

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• One of the greatest labor-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two sausages were in a pan.One sausage turns to the other and says, "Man, Its getting hot in here."The other sausage screams and says, "AH! A talking sausage!!"

  Tags: misc

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• This morning some clown opened the door for me. I thought to myself that's a nice Jester.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A lion and a cheetah had a race. The lion said you are a "cheetah" and the cheetah said you are "lion."

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• How do you call a cow with no legs? You don't, because cows don't have phones.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Give a man a poison fish and feed him for the rest of his life.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do field hockey players never sweat? They have too many fans!

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• I wanted to tell you all about a color I made up..... but, as it turns out, it was just a pigment of my imagination.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I’m tearing out pages of the dictionary. I’m up to Mischief.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have only seen people underwhelmed or overwhelmed, never whelmed properly...

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Why are there so many people in Boston? They’re Mass-produced

  Tags: one-liners

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• When does a joke become a Dad Joke? When it leaves you and doesn't come back.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My doctor removed my appendix... Now all that's left is the table of contents.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

  Tags: one-liners

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• We can copy any document for you. We do not require the original.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• How do you measure the quality of a dadjoke? With a sighsmograph

  Tags: one-liners

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• I like decimal place jokes. Jokes about whole numbers just have no point.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they.... lactose.....

  Tags: one-liners

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• I told my therapist that no one understands me... She said, "What do you mean by that?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do whales like to draw with? A-krill-ic paint.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I always take life with a grain of salt... Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If there is an elephant in the room and nobody notices. is it irrelephant?

  Tags: one-liners

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• If it ain't broke, I haven't borrowed it yet.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a Frenchman that's been attacked by a bear? Claude

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does a German snake sound like? ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß....

  Tags: one-liners

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• Creating a joke is one thing. But delivering it is another. I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I got a sunburn on the beach yesterday whilst reading about trigonometry. ...you should see my tan lines today

  Tags: one-liners

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• As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office. I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've calculated the name for the next Fast Furious movie... Fast 10: Your Seatbelts

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

  Tags: misc

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• What cheat code do you use to get into the Army? Left, left, left, right, left

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about the boy who ate his alarm clock? Apparently it was really time consuming

  Tags: one-liners

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• Like a flat tire.......how I'm rolling this morning.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What idiot called it a vet instead of a dogtor?

  Tags: one-liners, animal, medical

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• Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam".

  Tags: animal

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• I hear some rich guy wants to build a tavern at the top of Mount Everest. Talk about raising the bar high!

  Tags: puns

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• 85%of people in America don't know basic math. Thanks God I'm from the other 25%

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• So I saw that the new dinosaur in Jurassic Park is a hybrid. Guess that makes it Priustoric

  Tags: one-liners

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• I can't believe that viruses and bacteria would just invade my body without a permission. That makes me sick

  Tags: one-liners

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• What happens when a battery commits a crime? They get charged

  Tags: one-liners

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• THIS JUST IN!!!!! Corduroy pillows are making headlines.........

  Tags: one-liners

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• My best mates and I played a game of hiding and seek. It went on for hours... Well, good friends are hard to find.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why couldn't the rocket have a second launch date? It had thrust issues

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did Chuck Norris tell his father when he left for college? “You’re the man of the house now”

  Tags: one-liners

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• If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement, Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?

  Tags: one-liners

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• My doctors office has two doctors on call at all times. Is that considered a pair a docs.

  Tags: one-liners, medical

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• A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• I'm sick of tired of people soaking my floor with their wet umbrellas when they come over to visit. I think it's time to make a stand.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on New Year's Eve? He got 12 months!

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• I think you press "0" to be connected with customer service because that's the amount of help they give you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero... Thanks for nothing.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I went to the doctors recently He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty” I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”. He said, “No. Fatty, don’t eat anything."

  Tags: one-liners

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• A Buzzfeed writer walks into a bar... You won't BELIEVE what they asked for!

  Tags: one-liners

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• According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do they call Jury Duty in Australia? Didgereedooty

  Tags: one-liners

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• Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl. Then she noticed me so we went for a run.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Never catch snowflakes on your tongue. until all the birds have gone south for the winter!

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you -the next time he's in need.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm gonna spend Valentine 's Day with my ex... Box 360.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• I'm taking part in a stair climbing competition. Guess I better step up my game.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Why can't you take anything balloons say seriously? They're always full of hot air!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm looking to sell my Delorean. Good shape, low mileage... Only driven from time to time.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the difference between a unicorn and a carrot? One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• DMV jokes get old really fast. Unlike the DMV. You have to go through a special line to become old.

  Tags: at-work

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• I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What kind of key opens a casket? A skeleton key.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a stolen Tesla? An Edison.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Is it good or bad if your vacuum sucks?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4 years old raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Gandalf!", and "Mordor!". Always Tolkien in her sleep...

  Tags: one-liners

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• I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a race over lava? A heated competition

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN... They become VERY ANGRY.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the difference between a seal and a sealion? An extra electron

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm anti-work but pro-paycheck so you see my dilemma.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, money

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• I'm single by choice. Unfortunately, it's not my choice.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the Investigator question the flat iron? To straighten things out.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Joke my kid made up when he was like 4.... What do you call an angry shopper using bad words? A cussomer.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend tries to impress girls by drawing realistic pictures of a Ford F-150. He’s ....a pickup artist.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What do you call a cable that connects you directly to the heavens? An aethernet cable

  Tags: one-liners

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• Money can't buy everything... but then again, neither can no money.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do they have bar codes on the returning Swedish fleet? So they can Scandinavian.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A bag of Cheetos has a contest. It says "No Purchase neccesary" but the code is on the inside...

  Tags: misc

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• Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea" Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

  Tags: one-liners

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• According to research 80% of the poplation can't do simple maths.Good news for us brainboxes,the other 10%.

  Tags: misc

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• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is it so easy to get a job as a percussion instructor? You just have to answer a few cymbal questions.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't understand why people are celebrating pi day. It's irrational.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Peter Mayhew will be reprising his role as Chewbacca in the next Star Wars movie! They said they wanted to cast the role to a veteran rather than a wookiee.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How did two oceans or seas become friends? Because they kept waving at each other.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It's a nice reminder of what I did all year.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "thank you" is all I need. Not all this "how did you get in my house??!!!" business.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now. New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey

  Tags: one-liners

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• If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the walrus become a plumber? Cause he loves a tight seal.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When I get a dog I'm going to name him five miles so I can say I walk five miles every day.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, sports

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• Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How did the dentist become a brain surgeon? The drill slipped.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My son got an F in his geography exam today. I sent him to his room but he ended up in the kitchen

  Tags: one-liners

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• My IQ test results just came in and I'm really relieved. Thank God it's negative.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I used to be ugly, but then I bought an acoustic guitar. Now I'm ugly and annoying

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s

  Tags: one-liners

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• "When am I ever gonna use this?" Asked the student to the algebra teacher. "Well you won't, but one of the smart kids might" he replied cheerfully

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• I could make jokes about bears, but they are unbearable.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

  Tags: one-liners

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• At our family BBQ's my dad would serve us briquettes and say the marshmallows burned.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I'm here for whatever you need me to do from the couch.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Why did the console gamer cross the road? To render the other side

  Tags: one-liners

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• Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Stephen King has a son named Joe. I’m not joking, but he is!

  Tags: one-liners

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• If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?

  Tags: heaven-and-hell

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• I would tell you a joke about my shoe but I think I shoedn't.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Shout-out to everyone who is struggling with establishing their identity. You know who you are.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The can was invented quite a while before the can opener.

  Tags: misc

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• I hate One Direction fans... Oscillating ones cool down a room much better.

  Tags: one-liners

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• For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Relationship Status: I'm a Rubik's Cube. Now try and figure me out.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many Microsoft executives does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They just redefine 'darkness' as an industry standard.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Doctor, Doctor! I have a virus that makes my left hand constantly butter toast. How can I stop it spreading?

  Tags: medical

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• I went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's Cat. The librarian said "That rings a bell but I don't know if it's here or not."

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do '90s kids count to 6? Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, cinco, seis.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I finally understand how batteries feel. Because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: why did the man get fired from the Orange Juice factory? A: He wasn't concentrating.

  Tags: misc

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• How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades? By shaving with them.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the plywood say to the 2x4? I’m board

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have the talent of doing math with any blade. Mostly long division.

  Tags: one-liners

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• People who can't tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals. .are missing the point.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Happy birthday, Bono. I wanted to get you the perfect present, but I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is Antarctica the least corrupt continent? Because it has justice

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess.

  Tags: one-liners

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• As I was coming back from Canada, I stopped at the border and the guy asked, "Do you have any firearms with you?" I answered, "What do you need?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did I quit my job in Mexico? It didn't peso well.

  Tags: one-liners

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• She was only a whisky maker's daughter, but he loved her still.

  Tags: puns

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• how do you get from sweden to russia? you cross the finnish line

  Tags: one-liners

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• April Fools' Day is like a huge open mic night in which millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Happy 3 week anniversary to the 26 browser tabs I have open.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• In France, do you know why they only eat one egg at breakfast time? Because one egg is enough

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm not trying to boss you around just do what I say.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What part of a football ground is never the same? The changing rooms.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• What does the dentist of the year get?...A little plaque.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Most people are shocked when they find out how incompetent I am as an electrician.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I went to a zoo and there was a baguette in a cage. The keeper said it was bread in captivity.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Sometimes, to impress girls, I use big words that I don't fully understand in an effort to sound more photosynthesis.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I read a science fiction book where people drill for mercury as a power source. It was by Hg Wells.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Do it tomorrow. You have made enough mistakes for today.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

  Tags: misc

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• Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• What's the derivative of Amazon? Amazon Prime

  Tags: one-liners

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• They say you are what you eat... today I bought some ready to eat chicken and sure enough I was ready to eat chicken.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you can't think of a word, say "I forgot the English word for it." That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I wanted to get trapped in a scary maze, I'd just go into my kid's bedroom.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I may not be the brightest nail in the bucket, but at least I have a point.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Assist is 50% the letter "S"... The rest are just there to help.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My bank has a new feature where they'll text you your bank balance. I think it's pretty cool. I just don't think they should end the text with "LOL", though.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• I can't stand those stupid people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn". Stupid firemen.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Crime doesn't pay... does that mean that my job is a crime?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Today is your birthday, so congratulate yourself, especially if you're still young enough to remember it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippy? He was too far-out.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? Laughing stock.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My dear old grandmother always used to say the way to a man's heart was through his stomach, which is why she lost her job as a cardiac surgeon.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, food

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• If you Google "lost mediaeval servant boy" You get "This page cannot be found".

  Tags: one-liners

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• My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I thought this guy on the subway was yawning. Turns out he was just a mute sitting on a tack.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I tried dating a cougar once. Turned out she was a cheetah.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• too much to pay for corn ([a] buck an ear)

  Tags: one-liners

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• What’s it called when a tractor waits for a pedestrian to cross? Crop yield

  Tags: one-liners

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• That's a nice ham you have there. It would be a shame if someone put an 's' at the start and an 'e' at the end...

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's DJ Khaleds favourite number? 11 because it has another 1.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the vulture check his baggage at the airport? He wasn't allowed any carrion

  Tags: one-liners

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• I play in the low 80's. If it is hotter than that, I won't play.

  Tags: sports

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• Did you hear of the man with the same first and last name? It was a Nguyen, Nguyen situation.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn. He orders a bear.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I had coffee with Red Bull this morning... After about 10 minutes on the highway, I realized I left my car at home.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My calculator broke again, but I'm not surprised. In fact, I was counting on it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• They say you can’t get a decent job without education. But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why couldn’t the sailor play cards? Because the captain was standing on the deck

  Tags: one-liners

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• what is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? one is heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Pokemon GO is a blatant ripoff of another popular app... called Tinder, where you also swipe to find monsters in your area.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's a pirates favourite letter? P, because without it they're irate

  Tags: one-liners

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• Needed: people with a lot of self control. for working at a bubble wrap factory.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the difference between a sharply dressed man on a unicycle and a dully dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A boy asked his dad for 10$ of bitcoin. "$9.57? Why do you need $11.48?"

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• What did the lacrosse stick say to the ball? "Catch ya later!"

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• You can never enjoy a game of Chess against an Australian. Everytime he checks, you'll think he's won the game.

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• A quarter, dime and penny walk into a bar... Just wait this joke is going to make a lot of cents.

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• A man was drinking the blood of a vampire... He said, "Hm, irony"

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• Why didn't 4 enter the haunted house? Because it was 2 squared

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• A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia. She whispers, "They're right behind you!"

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• How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. But the light bulb has to want to change.

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• How do you make a small fortune from investing in Bitcoin? Start off by investing a large fortune in Bitcoin.

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• What is an astronaut's favorite key on a keyboard? Space!

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• My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment. This is my time to shine.

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• I could never cheat in a relationship... Because that would require two people to find me attractive.

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• The panic begins with the first one to say ‘Calm down!'

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• What do you call a vet that can only work on one animal? A doctor

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• I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.

  Tags: misc

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• What do you call the doctor who graduates at the bottom of the class? Doctor

  Tags: one-liners

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• Today I quit drinking for good. now I only drink for evil

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• I do try to be empathetic and put myself in other people's shoes... but I have big feet.

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• I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday. My boss said, “Clean our your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”

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• I asked my buddy if he always puts an orange wedge in his beer. He said, "Ehh not really. Maybe once in a Blue Moon."

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• I recently started dating an archaeologist. It just goes to show that they will date anything.

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• Put the punchline in the title. Do you know what the best way to ruin a joke is?

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• For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist." I haven't worn it yet.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My sister gave birth in a state-of-the-art delivery room. It was so high tech that the baby came out cordless!

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• It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

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• The older you get, the more you need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.

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• What do you call a werewolf that doesn't know he's a werewolf? An unawarewolf.

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• People use to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian" Well nobody is laughing now.

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• Every time I hear the dirty word "Exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

  Tags: misc

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• I got drunk and drew up a graph showing all of the relationships I've ever had. It had an ex axis, and a why axis.

  Tags: one-liners

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• There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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