Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• Have you ever played quiet tennis? It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you ask Vanilla Ice's mother about his childhood... she'll tell you that he was a nice, nice baby.

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• If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone's favorite season? Fall.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel

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• Why didn't anyone want the free phone cables? Because they were free of charge!

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• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

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• What was Spider Man's major in college? Web Design.

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• Where do grains of wheat sleep? In a breadroom

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• When life hands you melons... You might be dyslexic.

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• What is the difference between a unicorn and a carrot? One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice? The Spanish Inquisition.

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• You are dust and you shall return to dust... Which is why I don't dust - it could be someone I know.

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• Two criminals stole a calendar. They got six months each

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• In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers. They shoot a six, yell fore, and write five.

  Tags: sports

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• For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday.

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• How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg

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• It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails. But when it happens no one is shocked.

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• How do you make a kleenex dance?You put a little boogie in it.

  Tags: misc

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• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

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• When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

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• Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?

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• I'm giving up alcohol for a month. Wait, that came out wrong. I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month.

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• Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn't jump at all.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• How is a thrown dictionary similar to birds flying south for winter? They’re both flying information.

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• How do we know the earth isn't flat? If it were flat, cats would have already pushed everything off of it.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• The sun is going to go out in 4 billion years, and you sit there and act like everything is fine.

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• One day Canada will take over the world. Then we'll all be sorry.

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• When inmates fall in love. Do the finish each others sentences?

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• What does idk stand for? Literally everyone I ask doesn't know.

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• What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe.

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• Why did Goku cross the road? Find out next time on Dragonball Z!

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• Hey girl, are you a newspaper? Because there’s a new issue with you every single day

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• I just gave my cat some 7UP. Now he's got 16 lives.

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• All things are possible - except skiing through a revolving door.

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• A professional limboer walks into a bar. He was disqualified from the competition.

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• What do you call a broken can opener? A can't opener

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• The other day I held the door for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

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• Middle age is when you're faced with two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home by nine o'clock.

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• What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Philoppe.

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• Why do The Brit’s still use ‘u’ in words like “colour” and “armour”? Because Rick Astley is British.

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• My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

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• I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps. But I'm slowly getting over it.

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• When I visited Australia, the immigration officer asked me if I had a criminal record... Confused, I replied, “Oh, is that still required?”

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• What did the evil fraction say? You will never stop my plans for world denomination.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• What do cubs fans do after they win the world series? They turn off their Xbox.

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• Did you hear about the woman who poured margaritas in her birdbath? Enough tequila mockingbird.

  Tags: puns

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• What did Yoda say when he watched Star Wars on Blu-Ray? HDMI

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• Why doesn't Michael Jackson drink coffee? Because he prefers "Tea-hee!"

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• If what you don't know can't hurt you, you're invulnerable.

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• What did Saint Patrick say when he drove all the snakes out of Ireland? "Everyone got seat belts on back there?"

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• I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered - the chicken.

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• I told my mom "Make me" She said "I'm not going to make the same mistake twice"

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• What is the speed of dark?

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• “Can you please change my grade?”. “Of course,” Tom remarked.

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• I love the smell of my F5 key... It's just so refreshing!

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• If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia. She whispers, "They're right behind you!"

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• There’s a virus that makes us forget 80s music. It may be spreading. No one knows the Cure

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

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• For Sale: Thick layer of dust. As seen on TV.

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• What's a Jedi's favorite brand of vodka? Skyy. Only Sith deal in Absolut.

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• I always wanted to learn to procrastinate... just never got around to it.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What's the most persuasive argument against democracy? "Have you ever worked in retail?"

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• I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

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• Why did the pencil cross the road? It was lead!

  Tags: puns

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• Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

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• I went to go see a psychic the other day.. I asked her if I'd ever be going to jail some time in the future. She said no, so I robbed her.

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• What do you call someone who take things literally? A kleptomaniac!

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• My IQ test results just came in and I'm really relieved. Thank God it's negative.

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• Subway is definitely the healthiest fast food available because they make you get out of the car.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Why are bacteria so bad at maths? Because they multiply by dividing.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Teacher: Why are you late?Webster: Because of the sign.Teacher: What sign?Webster: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

  Tags: misc

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• I dated a dentist a while back, She had the whitest teeth I ever came across.

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• The best way to end a war is to surrender.

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• Parking a single car doesn’t require much space. But parking 200 cars, now that requires a lot.

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• There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.

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• The person who invented the door knock won the No-bell prize.

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• What does a hockey player and a magician have in common? Both do hat tricks!

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can.

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• What do you get when you drop the croissant your aunt made.. A cross aunt

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• Why is the south bad at calculus? They don't know how to integrate.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• A man arrived to a Duel with only a pen and a piece of paper. He proceeded to draw his weapon

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• Believe it or not, but when you're living alone a clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, programming

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• I have nothing to declare except my genius.

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• How do you comfort an English teacher? There, their, they're.

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• I woke up late one morning so I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water. I got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

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• Why was Cinderella banned from playing sports? Because she always ran away from the ball.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Where do sick boats go to get healthy? To the dock!

  Tags: one-liners, medical

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• Mom, am I ugly? "I told you not to call me mom in front of people"

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• A king has 3 cups in front of him. The first 2 cups are full, the third cup is empty. What is the King's name? King Philip III

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• I have a pen that can write underwater! It can also write other words too

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• Relationship Status: I'm a Rubik's Cube. Now try and figure me out.

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• My neighbor is loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels

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• A Three legged dog walks into the old wild west saloon. He says to the bartender, "I'm lookin' fer the guy who shot my paw."

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• I saw an ad in a shop window, "TV for $5- Volume stuck on full" Couldn't turn it down.

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• Has anyone heard about the cemetery for alcoholics? It's haunted by spirits.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I like to hold hands at the movies... which always seems to startle strangers.

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• What do you call friends that you go out to eat with? Taste buds.

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• Obi Wan: Yoda, you en-route? Yoda: Off course I am!

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• What do whales like to draw with? A-krill-ic paint.

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• Even if it wasn't cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• My Grandfather invented the cold air balloon. It never really took off.

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• A man walks into a tailor to buy a tuxedo. He confidently tells the tailor he doesn’t need any assistance. The tailor says "Fine. Suit yourself."

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

  Tags: puns

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• I just hired a private investigator to find out what I do all day.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.

  Tags: one-liners

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• William P. Holcomb's job is to supervise the tracking down of Houston, Texas parking ticket violators. It was revealed that he himself had 375 unpaid tickets.

  Tags: at-work

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• I'm taking part in a stair climbing competition. Guess I better step up my game.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Every time I hear the dirty word "Exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

  Tags: misc

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• Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

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• Why did all the prisoners at the AT&T jail escape? Because they had no bars on their cells!

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• Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it. Guess I really am. independent

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• I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

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• Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention. Laughed more than I thought.

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• What did copper say to lawrencium? Cu later.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• What did the explorer say when he spotted Antarctica? I see land.

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• Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them? So when they dock they can Scandinavian.

  Tags: one-liners

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• She was only a whisky maker's daughter, but he loved her still.

  Tags: puns

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• Why was titanium afraid of iron and argon? Because there is nothing to fear but FEAR itself

  Tags: one-liners

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• My local movie theater was robbed of almost $10,000. The thieves got away with three boxes of popcorn, two large sodas, three boxes of candy and a hotdog.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I changed my password to "incorrect", so anytime I forget and enter the wrong thing, the computer tells me what it is.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Did you hear that you can buy iron and carbon for the price of just 1 alloy? What a steel!

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• What did one candle say to the other? "Don't birthdays burn you up?"

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• DMV jokes get old really fast. Unlike the DMV. You have to go through a special line to become old.

  Tags: at-work

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• I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite. It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.

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• What sound does a 747 make when it bounces? boeing boeing boeing

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• 'Do Not Touch' Must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille

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• Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control. But cases continue to rise.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• I forgot the Roman numerals for 51, 6, and 500. I am LIVID.

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• How many vegans does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger? One if nobody's looking.

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• What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up? Someday my prints will come!

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• If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.

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• A lion and a cheetah had a race. The lion said you are a "cheetah" and the cheetah said you are "lion."

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Why are Fathers like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!

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• I think it's ridiculous that people are letting off fireworks in September, my cat was so scared he ran up the Christmas tree.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• The artist thought his favourite paint had been stolen, but it was just a pigment of his imagination.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Why is wrestling stupid?? It's a bunch of guy's without pants fighting for a belt....

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• For all you non-native English speakers out there... "Read" is pronounced like "lead", while "read" is pronounced like "lead".

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• If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Sometimes I tell dad jokes, Sometimes he laughs

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• I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions. Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"

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• Two snowmen in a field, one turned to the other and said "I don't know about you but I can smell carrots!"

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• How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. We don't address hardware issues.

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• When your kids are little you're a superhero. When they're teens you're a super villain. After that, your only power is invisibility.

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• I went to the Atlanta Falcons locker room to get some change for a dollar... But they only gave me 3 quarters.

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• How do you make a small fortune from investing in Bitcoin? Start off by investing a large fortune in Bitcoin.

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• I used to steal comedians' jokes and not credit them. I still do, but I used to, too.

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• If you watch Jeopardy backwards, it's about rich people paying money for answers to questions. That is all.

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• Did you know you can actually eat lava? Only once though.

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• What do you call a bald porcupine? Pointless.

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• What do you call a monkey holding a fire cracker? A Baboom!

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• I like to finish other people's sentences because... my version is better.

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• If Dodge made an electric car... Would it be called a Dodge Chargeable

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• My friend asked me if I was going to Asia... I told him, "Yeah, Siam."

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• Hackers brought down my online business but I managed to keep the website address and that's domain thing.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?

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• I don't understand why Steve Ballmer spent so much money on the Clippers. He doesn't even have hair.

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• Pig says: My name is bacon. Chris P. Bacon.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, food

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• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

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• I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.

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• For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

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• Do you know why I make puns? Because it's my respunsibility.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call an elephant chasing a cat? Depends on what his name is.....

  Tags: animal

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• Calculators May Be Ugly On The Outside. But Its What's On The Inside That Counts.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If the opposite of pro is con, isn't the opposite of progress, congress?

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• I should clean mirrors for a living. It's a profession I see myself in.

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• Why is the Hockey Hall Of Fame situated in Toronto? So that Leafs fans can remember what a Stanley cup looks like.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe? Kilometery Cyrus

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• If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one great education!

  Tags: one-liners

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• If nobody is perfect, and I'm a nobody, am I perfect?

  Tags: deep-thoughts

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• Fun fact: "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound. . . At least, I'm pretty sure that's correct.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What Sound does an Australian Frog make? Croakey

  Tags: one-liners

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• The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision. I can just see it now.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Ok Umm Uhh, Ahhh! Oh well, I just forgot what I was gonna say. Man I'm stupid

  Tags: misc

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• Officer! That guy threw sodium chloride at me! Police officer: That's a salt!

  Tags: one-liners

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• There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I threw a boomerang 6 years ago and it never came back... Now I live in constant fear.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I told my boss 3 companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my present job. He asked which 3 were interested. I said the gas, electric and cable.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor".

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, medical

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• Q. What's the best kind of triangle to ask out on a date? A. Acute Triangle

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• No one is listening to you until you make a mistake.

  Tags: one-liners

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• All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society's way of preparing you for your driver's license photo.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Would a fly that loses its wings be called a walk?

  Tags: misc

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• If the FBI needs to get into someones's iPhone without permission.. They should just call U2 and ask how they did it

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why doesn't Magneto wear his old costume anymore? Because days of fuchsia passed

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was once taught that nothing rhymes with silver... But to this day, I still don’t think they sound the same.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A Windows customer said when he closes his windows, they disappear.

  Tags: tech

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• What scares a caterpillar? A dog-erpillar! (From a 3rd grader at dismissal yesterday!)

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just fired my sioux chef because I found out he lied on his resume. Turns out he's navajo.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why don't we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• How do you tell the difference between an English major, a Math major, and a programmer? Ask them what "!" is

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• What is the longest website domain name? smiles.com because there is a "mile" between the s's!

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• I was recently asked to name two structures that contain water. I responded "Well, dam"

  Tags: one-liners

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• We all know where the Big Apple is... But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Whenever I get on my roof to clean the gutters, I always slip and fall. Every shingle time.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "Siri, why am I single?" Siri: opens front face camera

  Tags: one-liners

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• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Joke I made up: Caveman and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says "what's your story?" Caveman says... Bear with me...

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. All he has to do is hold it in place while the world revolves around him.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the light bulb say to the socket?I love you watts!!

  Tags: misc

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• the flat earth society has members all around the globe

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the letter O say to the letter Q? "For God's sake man, put some pants on!"

  Tags: one-liners

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• 1 out of 5 people suffer from loneliness. So, if you look around and you don’t see the other 4 people, they’re out having fun without you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• How do priests make Holy Water?They boil the hell out of it!

  Tags: heaven-and-hell

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• England fans must be pretty happy right now. They've been waiting years for their team to play like Spain.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My calculator is really reliable. I can always count on it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A garage sale is actually a Garbage sale but the "b" is silent.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What kind of dessert comes out of a musical volcano? Bach Lava

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• The contact lens is mans greatest invention. At least in my eyes

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a detective who just solves cases accidentally? Sheer Luck Holmes

  Tags: one-liners

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• Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city.. Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a hockey player who questions their bad life choices? Wayne Regretsky

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• What is Gepetto's favorite cereal? I know you think it's Pinnochi-o's, but it's actually Cheerios. They're whittle o's. Though I guess both woodwork.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.

  Tags: puns

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• I was named after my dad. Because I couldn’t have possibly been named before him

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do hipsters love Raiders of the Lost Ark? Because it's the first Indy movie.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are clams so hard to see on the bottom of the ocean? They’re clamouflaged.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What happened when the dog went to the flea circus ? He stole the show !

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I hate when people don’t know the difference between “you’re” and “your”.. There stupid.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a man with 6,022 x 10^23 dollars? A Moleionaire

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• There are 6.02x10^23 guacas in a guacamole, Which is also known as avocado’s number

  Tags: one-liners

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• Girl if I had to rate you, I'd give you a 10. Oh the pH scale, because girl you are basic.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate the headphone jack.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A dog is a man's best friend because it gives no advice, never tries to borrow money, and has no in-laws.

  Tags: animal

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• What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What’s a fireplace’s best feature? Dat ash.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The bartender says "We don't serve time travelers in here." A time traveler walks into a bar.

  Tags: one-liners

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• It turns out the answer to my problems wasn't at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Sorry I didn't text you back, but my phone recognized your number.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Always remember that you are unique, just like everybody else!

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I had a dime for every time I didn't understand what's going on. I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• So my neighbor knocked on my door at 3AM... Who knocks on doors at three in the morning? It's so inconsiderate! Good thing I was still up playing my bagpipes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've already got a car, but I want to have a DeLorean as well. I would drive my first car every day, but only drive the DeLorean from time to time.

  Tags: one-liners

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• As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass. Just wanted to make that clear.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does 50 Cent call himself in Russia? 50,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 rubles

  Tags: one-liners

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