Never catch snowflakes on your tongue. until all the birds have gone south for the winter!
Tags: one-liners
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paddling out…
View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue. until all the birds have gone south for the winter!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWould a fly that loses its wings be called a walk?
Tags: misc
PermalinkRoses are red, Cellos are brown. Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down ;)
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI almost got busted for shoplifting candy today... But I got out of it. I've got a couple of twix up my sleeve.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift. But I couldn't find a manual.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA man walked into a bar... and it hurt!
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat is the chemical composition of banana? Barium disodium
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI don’t trust my shadow. He’s a shady guy
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow did Darth Vader know what Obi-Wan Kenobi was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents...
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWe never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSome philosopher said “Change does not come from a place of comfort.”, but he was wrong. I’m always finding loose coins in my couch.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI set out to lose 10 pounds this month... Only 15 more to go
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhere does the Easter Bunny go to eat pancakes? To IHOP, of course!
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkThe doctor told his patient to stop using a Q-tip, but it went in one ear and out the other.
Tags: one-liners, medical
PermalinkI got my tattoo artist to write “Tattoo artists are stupid” on my back. I thought I got him pretty good until I realized the joke was on me.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy doctor removed my appendix... Now all that's left is the table of contents.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf you sin 90 times you'll only be caught 45 times. Because Sin 90 = Cot 45
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkNot to brag, but I have sychic powers. For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot!”
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI wonder who came up with the company People's Gas and where was their Pepto-Bismal?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhy do they have bar codes on the returning Swedish fleet? So they can Scandinavian.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink(P+L)(A+N) = PA+PN+LA+LN. Ha! I just foiled your plan!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy do you never wear two monocles at the same time? Because you'd make a spectacle of yourself.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat’s the difference between swine flu and bird flu? Swine Flu requires oinkment and Bird Flu requires Tweetment
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkEvery day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkLPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy should you always knock on your fridge door before opening it? Because there could be an Italian dressing inside.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkOne time somebody said if I was an element, I'd be copper. Then someone else told me I'm tellurium. Does that mean I'm CuTe?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI told my carpenter I didn't want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThey say you are what you eat... today I bought some ready to eat chicken and sure enough I was ready to eat chicken.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy neighbors listen to awesome music. whether they like it or not.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMarriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus? An immediate cessation of funding and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkHow do fortune tellers greet each other? You’re good, how am I?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI finally found a diet plan that works. It's called 'The Cost of Food'.
Tags: one-liners, food, money
PermalinkWhy do british people pronounce it as bri'ish? They drank the T
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIn 20 years, I bet there's going to be a college course called eye contact.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away. a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI received a letter stating I have outstanding debt. I thought, “Why yes, it is pretty fantastic!”
Tags: one-liners, money
PermalinkAs a child I was obsessed with the difference between cosine and sine. As I got older I realized it was just a phase
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTHIS JUST IN!!!!! Corduroy pillows are making headlines.........
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat is a flat earther's least favorite flavor of gum? Spheremint
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDon’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours. A worst case scenario.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkCommunist jokes are not funny... unless everyone gets them
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI gave up Thai boxing because I felt the Thais were getting fed up being put in boxes.
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhat do you call an Italian drug dealer in Asia? Narco Polo
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness' but it doesn't work.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI was really bored, so I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary. I learned next to nothing.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI had cardiac surgery in Cuba but the doctors weren’t that great. Half of my heart is in Havana
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI have won first place in this Halloween costume contest 16 years in a row. This year I am dressed as a hotdog. I'm on a roll.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI cropped my kids out of my online dating profile photos. They can find their own dates.
Tags: one-liners, programming
PermalinkEasiest way to win a debate is to have a sharp sword at the ready. Everybody will agree you have a good point
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy is Pavlov's hair so soft? Classic conditioning.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI like 25 letters of the alphabet. But I love u
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat cereal does Spider-Man hate the most? Mystery O's
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkHave you heard about the boss who got their foot stuck in an electrical cord? >!They went on a power trip!<
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkCourtesy of my 6yo daughter: What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth? A Flossiraptor
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don't cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Tags: one-liners, sports
PermalinkIdentity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy did the console gamer get a headache at the art museum? Too many frames.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe Artist. I just saw a group of people who were watching an artist sketch all of them in his book. The man was good too, he really knew how to draw a crowd.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkSergeant: “Smith! I didn’t see you at camouflage practice today!”. Private Smith: “Thank you, Sir!”
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTiming has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI've never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy did the Stormtrooper buy an iPhone? Because he couldn't find the Droid he was looking for.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy didn't the bear go to college? Because bears don't go to college.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhen ice skating, never judge a brook by its cover.
Tags: puns
PermalinkHow many ants are needed to fill an apartment? Ten-ants
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAs I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkYou don't have to go faster than the bear, you just have to go faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA sports expert is the guy who writes the best alibis for being wrong.
Tags: one-liners, sports
PermalinkEver since I installed Adblocker Plus things haven't been going so well.. All of a sudden chicks in my area are no longer interested in me.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWho's Santas favorite singer? Elf-is Presley !
Tags: one-liners, music
PermalinkWhy do Java programmers need glasses? Because they can't C#.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach" Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's the difference between a pipe fitter and a chemical engineer? They way they pronounce unionized.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkBullets are so weird. They only do their job AFTER they’re fired
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI saw an Elsa blanket. I didn’t get it though, the cold never really bothered me anyways.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkEveryone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI need a new bank account. This one has run out of money.
Tags: one-liners, money
PermalinkTeacher: Why are you doing your multiplication on the floor? Student: You told me not to use tables.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe only person in our town who can afford to go on a jaguar is a zoo-keeper.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhen I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAuntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHam and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkWarning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Tags: misc
PermalinkLet not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy did the Walrus cross the road? Just for the halibut.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI'm proud that I got 40% on my Latin exam. After all, you should always XL.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMan: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkLike most people my age, I'm 23. .
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWorking at an unemployment office must be so tense. Even if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkEfficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhats the most pointless thing that actually exists? Circles.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSanta's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkGenerally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHappy Halloween... Why did the Ghost enter the bar... For the BOOOOS
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA man was drinking the blood of a vampire... He said, "Hm, irony"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy did the hand and the mitten get married? Because it was glove at first sight.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf I wanted to get trapped in a scary maze, I'd just go into my kid's bedroom.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI had a job tying sausages together, but I couldn't make ends meet.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkWhere can you still get gas for $1.39? Taco Bell
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy did Thor lose his lightning powers? Because his father grounded him.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat happens when you mix human DNA with goat DNA? You get kicked out of the petting zoo.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhen you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA zen student asked his master: “Is it okay to use email?”. “Yes”, replied the master, “but with no attachments.”
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThere are a few criminals in my town that keep stealing wheels from parked police cars. The cops are working tirelessly to catch the suspects.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWho can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy would the military use acid? To neutralize the enemy base.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIt used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course there's shipping and handling, too.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThey said i couldnt bring outside snacks into the theater... But I've got a few twix up my sleeve!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI have like 50 jokes about the unemployed. Trouble is, none of them work.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThank goodness! Testimony from your parrot is not admissible in court.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkWhat did the scientist said after mixing oxygen and magnesium? O Mg
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy does windmills like heavy metal? Because they are a huge metal fan
Tags: one-liners, science
PermalinkNot bragging, but I made six figures last year, so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat does Earth get on Earth day ? A birthday quake !
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy did I quit my job in Mexico? It didn't peso well.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat kind of cereal does Ronda Rousey eat? Kix
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe last time a group of New Englanders destroyed Atlanta this badly. Sherman marched to the sea
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat is an extreme sport? Doing you homework, while the teacher is collecting it.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThieves broke into my shop and stole 15 cases of Red Bull. I don't know how these people sleep at night
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkOffering fruit to an Australian for breakfast may not make them happy.. ..But a veggie might.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI once abused someone with a dictionary... The judge didn't know whether to charge me with verbal or physical assault
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkCall me geometry... Because when I become difficult, guys cheat on me.
Tags: one-liners, math
PermalinkI always give 110%. Oops. Left out the decimal point. I always give 1.10%.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkWho makes the best acoustic guitars in the world? Martin! Martin who? Martin, luthier king.
Tags: one-liners, music
PermalinkI used to be in a band, we were called 'lost dog'. You probably saw our posters.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister in Sweden. He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI'm sure there's a supplement I could take or another easy solution to cure my laziness. Someone look into it for me.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink99.9% of people are idiots. Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's the most poular Christmas carol in the desert? Oh caaamel ye faithful.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkWhen a man wants to believe something, it doesn't take much to convince him.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWorking at home sucks .if you’re a firefighter.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI don't use pepper spray when I'm being robbed. I just open my wallet and blow the dust into their eyes.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink"I wanted to lose 10 lbs. this year.... only 13 lbs. to go!"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA chicken and an egg walk into a bar. The barman says, "Who's first?"
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkI have a horse named Mayo. Mayo neighs.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink“Yoda, are you sure we are going in the right direction?”. Yoda: Off course we are.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI once worked as a salesman and was very independent; I took orders from no one.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkI don't always tell dad jokes. But when I do, he laughs
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI spent £80 taking my son to see the cricket today. Eighty quid and all it did was hop about and chirrup.
Tags: one-liners, sports
PermalinkWhat's the correct way to pronounce nihilism? Doesn't matter.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe trouble with doing nothing is that you never know when you are finished.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow did Pinocchio discover he was made of wood? His hand caught on fire
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAccording to my kids' Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Tags: one-liners, money
PermalinkEminem walks into a bar and orders two shots of... The bartender cuts him off and says, “You only get one shot.”
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkEver wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhen a twitter troll disappears it just means his mom changed the wifi password until his chores are done.
Tags: one-liners, programming
PermalinkIf you get in the mood to do some work, someone will always wake you up.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkHow does a snowman get around? He rides an icicle!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's a nice ghoul like you doing in a crypt like this?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDid you hear the story about the giraffe? Forget it its too long.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkHow rare is it for a cow to be struck by lightning? Medium rare.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkHey baby, are you a GPU? Cause I wanna make you mine.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat does baby volcano say to his volcano mom? Magma.
Tags: one-liners, science
PermalinkJust about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhich branch of the United States military is the most patriotic? The Air Force; they're US AF
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDid you hear about the baker who robbed a bank? He just burst in there, buns glazing!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA garage sale is actually a Garbage sale but the "b" is silent.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ: Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil? A: Because it's pointless!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy are Taylor Swift's songs always a hit? (WARNING POKEMON JOKE) Because swift never misses.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHi, how much for this torture device? Sir, that's a wedding ring.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkYou know what has 8 legs 8 hands and 8 eyes? 8 Pirates
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat type of joke is the best joke? A Communist joke, because everyone gets it.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy do The Brit’s still use ‘u’ in words like “colour” and “armour”? Because Rick Astley is British.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI don't know why I broke up with my girl at the gym... I guess we just weren't working out.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe saying "say no to drugs" has always made me laugh. If you're talking to drugs, it's probably too late to say no to them.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI put all my watches together to make a belt. It was a waist of time
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkEbay needs to step their game up. I searched for a cigarette lighter and 15,000 matches came up.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy first child has gone off to college and I feel a great emptiness in my life. Specifically, in my checking account.
Tags: one-liners, money
PermalinkHow do you make a fire with two sticks? Make sure one of them is a match!
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkIs your name Wi-Fi? Because I'm feeling a connection.
Tags: one-liners, programming
PermalinkDid you ever hear about the Lucky Charms leprechaun's evil twin? He was tragically malicious.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkYou know the times have changed... When Portugal leaves Brazil without taking any Gold.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkEvery program I write is completely error-free. No exceptions!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat’s the key to a good mailman joke? The delivery.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe skeleton walked into the bar and asked, "Can I have a beer and a mop?"
Tags: bar
PermalinkIf H2O is water, and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide, what is H2O4? Drinking, bathing, watering etc etc.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTwo sausages were in a pan.One sausage turns to the other and says, "Man, Its getting hot in here."The other sausage screams and says, "AH! A talking sausage!!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkIn my community we have a neighborhood watch, It's actually more like a clock tower.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI'm kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer. Yeah, I gave 'em my too weak notice
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkYou haven't experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn't ticklish.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI am right ninety eight percent of the time - who cares about the other three percent.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did the dog say when he rubbed sandpaper on his tail? Rough, rough!
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkWhen I was little, my dad used to feed me alphabet soup, claiming that I loved it? I didn't really; he was just putting words in my mouth.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkRussian history in 5 words: "And then things got worse."
Tags: one-liners
Permalink"Where do you see yourself in five years?" "I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI asked the bus driver "How long will the next bus be?" He replied "Same length as this one."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI had coffee with Red Bull this morning... After about 10 minutes on the highway, I realized I left my car at home.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhen my mom told me to stop acting like a flamingo? I had to put my foot down.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy do people say "This is the first day of the rest of your life"? Isn't that true about everyday unless you die that day?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe only thing more important than your happiness is mine so get on it.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI made voodoo dolls of my dogs just so I could still rub their bellies while I'm at work.
Tags: one-liners, animal, at-work
PermalinkWhere did Captain Hook buy his hook at? The second hand store.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDo ten millipedes equal one centipede?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhere do cats keep their lipstick? In their purrrs.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkNow that everyone carries a decent camera with them... Where did all of the U.F.O's go?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy grandfather always said, "Be envied, not envious." I wish I'd thought of that quote.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf I tell you I'm thinking about you, don't get too excited, because I'm also thinking about nachos.
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkHe always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI can't wait for Valentine's Day because I get to make cupcakes for a special someone and that special someone is me.
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkI used to be scared of pretty girls, So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe word 'nothing' is a palindrome. 'Nothing' reversed is 'Gnihton' which also means nothing
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy is a baseball game a good place to go on a hot day? Because there are lots of fans.
Tags: one-liners, sports
PermalinkI put root beer into a square cup. All I have now is beer.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTeacher: "I asked you to draw a cow and grass, but I only see a cow. Where is grass?" Student: "The cow ate the grass, sir."
Tags: one-liners, animal, food
PermalinkHow does Darth Vader manage to eat through that mask? He's force fed.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do you get three old ladies to say the "F" word? Yell "BINGO!"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAt school I graduated second to a lamp, he was too bright for me.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy were all the computers in the company frozen? Because they let IT go
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's a redneck's favorite dating website? Ancestry.com
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDanger is my middle name. but Safety first.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy best mates and I played a game of hiding and seek. It went on for hours... Well, good friends are hard to find.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf you put your left shoe on the wrong foot... it's on the right foot.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhere did the baseball keep its lemonade? In the pitcher!
Tags: one-liners, sports
PermalinkI would hug you, but I would rather wait until I'm covered in syrup. And until you have nicer clothes on. -Toddlers
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkLook, if crying doesn't solve the problem, then maybe I'm just not the person you should be asking.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do you tickle a rich girl? Say “Gucci Gucci Gucci!”
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat is the scariest thing to read in braile? "Do not touch"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkFailure is not an option—it comes bundled with the software.
Tags: one-liners, programming
PermalinkI hate when people ask for likes... Like if you agree!
Tags: one-liners, programming
Permalink19 and 20 got in a fight. 21.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDid you know that the vast majority of convicted criminals are married men? It's the only way they get to finish a sentence.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you're set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkWhere do poor meatballs live? The Spaghetto.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight. Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat would you call the Fantastic Four if Snoop Dogg joined the team? The High Five
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI have a phobia of over engineered buildings. It's a complex complex complex.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHey girl, are you my Physics examination paper? Because I can stare at you for 3 hours and not understand a single thing
Tags: one-liners, science
PermalinkMy grandfather has the heart of a lion, ... and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh zoo.
Tags: one-liners
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