Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• 1 out of 5 people suffer from loneliness. So, if you look around and you don’t see the other 4 people, they’re out having fun without you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I made a mistake at the grocery store. I went to get 6 Sprites. Accidentally picked 7up

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? She will Let It Go!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account? They were prime mates

  Tags: one-liners

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• This is why I don't tell Math jokes. The average maths joke is pretty mean

  Tags: one-liners

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• We can copy any document for you. We do not require the original.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Why don't Ewoks yell inside? Because they use their Endor voices!

  Tags: one-liners

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• why does sour cream have an expiry date?

  Tags: deep-thoughts

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• Plastic surgery used to be such a taboo discussion topic now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow

  Tags: one-liners

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• Just trying to give my kids a few childhood memories they don't have to repress...

  Tags: one-liners

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• I didn't plan on getting a brain transplant... But then I changed my mind.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have mixed opinions on Asia as a whole. For starters, while South Korea is absolutely lively, the rest of Asia is completely Seoulless!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is another word for Thesaurus?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I know the day I gave up exercise. You wanna know? Check my birth certificate.

  Tags: misc

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• The reason grandparents and children get along so well is really quite simple: They have a common enemy.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Can't throw the ball, kept on bouncing away: situation is out of hand.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Two mice are chewing on a film roll. One says, "I liked the book better"

  Tags: one-liners

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• One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've heard that Argentina is starting to get a little colder... In fact, it's bordering on Chile

  Tags: one-liners

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• Team has no "I" in it, but it does have a "M" and "E" in it, making "me".

  Tags: one-liners

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• My grandfather has the heart of a lion, ... and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh zoo.

  Tags: one-liners

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• As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office. I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A golf ball is a golf ball, no matter how you putt it.

  Tags: puns

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• Why do people litter? Because they dont take the litter signs litterally.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I thought I was just really tired but it's been 5 years so I guess this is how I look now.

  Tags: one-liners

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• $2.1 million worth of textbooks were stolen the other day. All eight books were recovered.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you make a small fortune from investing in Bitcoin? Start off by investing a large fortune in Bitcoin.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• what did the Copper say to the sodium chloride couple? I'm taking you in for a salt

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Was late to my first Fight Club last night? So missed the intro rules. Still Fight Club was brilliant and I'd highly recommend Fight Club.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If a kid asks where rain comes from, I tell him, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, I tell him, "Probably because of something you did."

  Tags: misc

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• What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho cheese!

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I won the lottery for a million dollars today so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. I now have $999,999.75

  Tags: one-liners

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• How can a person living in Minnesota be buried in Milwaukee?

  Tags: misc

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• When is it legal to trick people to go into massive debt to pay for a useless thing with no refund? When you're selling a bachelor degree in sophistry.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb? One, or two? Three, or four?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters? He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

  Tags: one-liners

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• In France, do you know why they only eat one egg at breakfast time? Because one egg is enough

  Tags: one-liners

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• Don't tell me I don't know the difference between right & wrong. Wrong is the fun one.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM! Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray!

  Tags: one-liners

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• An actual headline: "Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers"

  Tags: misc

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• Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The Sun doesn't need to go to college. Because it already has 28 million degrees.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you run in front of a car you'll get tired... But if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. But the light bulb has to want to change.

  Tags: one-liners

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• And the award for best neckwear goes to... huh, well would you look at that. It was a tie

  Tags: one-liners

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• Music makes every day better, especially if you turn it up just loud enough to drown out all the people around you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Dunno what this WiFi dude did. But I've seen a ton of bars and restaurants demanding his freedom lately

  Tags: one-liners

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• 3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. ...so they throw one cigarette off the boat to make the boat a cigarette lighter

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the most common question the Finnish detective asks a suspect? "What were you doing the night between November and May?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian . then soviet.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How fast was Thor’s hammer destroyed? Hela Fast.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have a hemp welcome mat. Some view it as a gateway rug.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why does Ireland have the fastest growing economy in the world? Because its capital is Dublin all the time!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I told my mom "Make me" She said "I'm not going to make the same mistake twice"

  Tags: one-liners

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• When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

  Tags: one-liners

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• By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it's raining in Sweden. How the hell am I supposed to know if it's raining in Sweden?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I asked a chef if he ever served a steak raw.. He said yeah but it’s rare.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I started an emo salsa band. We're called Hispanic at the Disco

  Tags: one-liners

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• I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!

  Tags: one-liners

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• My dog and I both freak out whenever the doorbell rings but we run in opposite directions.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• If a buffalo and baboon mated... Their child would be a real buffoon.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Someone asked me how you weigh an elephant. It's quite like weighing a person, but on a much larger scale.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I miss my umbilical cord.. I grew attached to it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I'm dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The guy at my local music shop asked me why I'm always coming in to buy new harmonicas. I told him "I blow right through them"

  Tags: one-liners

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• My house-mate is terrified of negative numbers. He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the true purpose of Valentine's Day? To remind single people they are single.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist. It's called 'Facebook'

  Tags: one-liners

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• Today I ended a long term relationship. I don't really care though, it wasn't mine.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My boss just said to me "You've been late five days this week... Do you know what that means?" I certainly do - it's FRIDAY!

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• One time somebody said if I was an element, I'd be copper. Then someone else told me I'm tellurium. Does that mean I'm CuTe?

  Tags: one-liners

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• People say smoking will give you diseases. What they don't know is that it cures salmon.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a shadow government ran by furries? The uwuminati

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I don’t perfect Human Cloning I won’t be able to live with myself

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call the doctor who graduates at the bottom of the class? Doctor

  Tags: one-liners

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• My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week. My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend text me 'what are you doing now?' I replied 'Probably failing my driving test'.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish. The results speak for themselves.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "Say NO to drugs" they say... I mean, if you're talking to drugs then it's already too late to say NO.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Is it wrong to hate a certain race? I don't mind running a 5k, but my friends want to run in a 10k and I don't like 10ks

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two criminals stole a calendar. They got six months each

  Tags: one-liners

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• I told my dad to embrace his mistakes. He gave me a hug

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend asked me if the new Star Wars was in 3D and I said, yes, but they R2D2.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Told a girl to text me when she got home. She must be homeless.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You can't tell me what to do, you're not my dog.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

  Tags: animal

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• If you ask me what my favorite rock band is and I'm being subjective, I'd say The Who. If I was being objective, I'd say it was The Whom.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the student study in an airplane? He wanted a higher education!

  Tags: one-liners

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• "Siri, why am I single?" Siri: opens front face camera

  Tags: one-liners

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• My only talent is sleeping. I could do it with my eyes closed.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Next year I'll give up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights... It's going to be Excel Lent

  Tags: one-liners

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• If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

  Tags: misc

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• If it ain't broke, I haven't borrowed it yet.

  Tags: one-liners

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• There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

  Tags: one-liners

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• May your troubles be as few and far between as your great-grandmother's teeth.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Fun fact: You can’t breathe correctly while smiling. Just kidding, I made you smile :)

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a bald porcupine? Pointless.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Wear tank tops and support your right to bare arms.

  Tags: puns

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• what is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? one is heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do soccer players do so well in math? They know how to use their heads!

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• If ham is Canadian bacon, then what the heck do you Canadians call bacon?

  Tags: one-liners

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• A local theater was just robbed of $286 the other day The thieves stole one large drink, a large popcorn, and a candy bar.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I burnt 1200 calories yesterday! Forgot to take the pizza out of the oven...

  Tags: one-liners

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• I went to a dance recital in Asia. The koreagraphy was amazing

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why didn't Romans use clippers to cut their hair? They prefer Caesars

  Tags: one-liners

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• A Windows customer said when he closes his windows, they disappear.

  Tags: tech

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• Ninety two percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils.

  Tags: one-liners

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• This Mother's Day, my dad got a new car for my mom. He said it was the best trade he's ever made

  Tags: one-liners

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• Here's a FedEx joke. Actually, you'll get it tomorrow

  Tags: one-liners

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• There's no such thing as a "new" Law and Order joke. They've all been done done.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do Spiderman and I have in common? We both end up with sticky hands after using the web.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I bought a universal remote the other day. and I thought to myself "Wow, this changes everything!"

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call an aging actor who has finally paid off his house? Mortgage freeman.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a mind reader who can't read minds? A telepathetic.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What do you have when life gives you melons? Dyslexia.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the copper circle say as it rolled through town? "Cu around"

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Rule #1 for learning english. Their our know rules!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

  Tags: misc

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• My son came home as I was taking his door off it’s hinges and asked “Dad what are you doing?”. “We’ve updated our privacy policy”

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't know why people are afraid of flying. Most crashes happen at ground level

  Tags: one-liners

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• Her: Let's exchange numbers. Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Why can't Athiests solve exponential problems? Because they don't believe in higher powers.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's it called when a King and Queen have no children? A receding heir line...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don't dress nice for him anymore.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Ok, what's the latest possible date that I can still make something of my life?

  Tags: one-liners

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• When I was little, my dad used to feed me alphabet soup, claiming that I loved it? I didn't really; he was just putting words in my mouth.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why does Santa only carry pennies, dimes and quarters? Because he is Nicholas.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the pirate say when he turned 80? 'Aye matey"

  Tags: one-liners

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• I told Leonardo DiCaprio a joke about the Oscars... He didn't get it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I had a dream last night that I had a Magnesium deficiency.. I was like 0Mg

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the vegan say? I made a big missed steak.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I went to the Atlanta Falcons locker room to get some change for a dollar... But they only gave me 3 quarters.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You’re riding a giraffe and a tiger is chasing you.. What do you do? You get off the merry-go-round

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What language do metallic fruits periodically speak? Manganese.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Dreams are like underpants. You've got 'em, but you can't prove you do by showing it to everyone.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the pirate say when he found someone? I sea you!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is Dracula's favorite fruit? A nectarine.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Working at an unemployment office must be so tense. Even if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I had a scary math joke... But I'm 2^2 to say it

  Tags: one-liners

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• Teacher: "What is the value of Pi?" Student: "Depending on what pie. Usually is $12.99."

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine? He fell in love with a pincushion!

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Did you guys hear about the globe that got pressed flat into vinyl album? Yeah, it was a world record.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many country singers does it take to change a light bulb? 2. One to change it and one to sing about how much they miss the old one.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• Now that I'm older, I realize that my imaginary friend was really nothing more than an imaginary acquaintance.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a heavy metal band With financial problems? Megadebt

  Tags: one-liners, music, science

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• I before E. Except when you run a weird heist on a feisty foreign overweight neighbor wearing beige.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil? A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is Yoda the worst copilot? "Yoda, are we still going the right way?" "Off course we are"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do psychics ask so many questions when they supposedly already know the answers?

  Tags: one-liners

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• "When am I ever gonna use this?" Asked the student to the algebra teacher. "Well you won't, but one of the smart kids might" he replied cheerfully

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I always give 110%. Oops. Left out the decimal point. I always give 1.10%.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• If you're not part of the solution... You're part of the precipitate.

  Tags: one-liners

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• No matter what they say, you matter. Unless you get multiplied by the speed of light squared. Then you Energy

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did one autumn leaf say to another? I'm falling for you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many more times are my kids going to ask me if I know where something is before they realize they're asking the wrong parent?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you know... in Louisiana it is illegal to tie an alligator to a fire hydrant and leave it unattended? Really! It's true!

  Tags: animal

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• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Patient: "Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: "Next time, take off the candles."

  Tags: one-liners, medical

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• When there are no volunteers, they get appointed.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• In my community we have a neighborhood watch, It's actually more like a clock tower.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why don't we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Neil Degrasse Tyson and Mike Tyson have something common... I don't understand what either one is saying, but I know I'll end up seeing stars.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Be nice to your kids, they'll choose your nursing home.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a bird that's afraid of heights? A chicken

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why didn't anyone want the free phone cables? Because they were free of charge!

  Tags: one-liners

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• My mate David was a victim of ID theft. Now we just call him Dav

  Tags: one-liners

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• My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach" Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call someone with no body and just a nose ? Nobody knows

  Tags: one-liners

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• My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by laying in bed all day. But look at me now, I'm saving the world.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine? To stop his coffin.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's grey, crispy and hangs from the ceiling?An amateur electrician.

  Tags: misc

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• The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of bread.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you fall down a bottomless pit... do you eventually die of starvation?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Everyone has a friend who laughs funnier than he jokes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don’t like blunt arrow heads. They are pointless.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the difference between Game of Thrones and Twitter? With Twitter you only get 140 characters.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I like my puns like I like my sausages... the wurst ones are the best.

  Tags: one-liners

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• In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the best thing to put into a pie? Your teeth!

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• My voicemail message is just instructions on how to send a text message with brief pauses filled with heavy sighing.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that there is no bad news. The bad news is that there is no good news.

  Tags: misc

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• Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Fixing broken windows is a pane in the glass.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If there is an elephant in the room and nobody notices. is it irrelephant?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a monk with a philosophy degree? A deep friar.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My stats professor told me that the larger the sample size the more trustworthy the data. I guess the N's justify the means.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls? Because he only dated mummies.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Many people are shocked when they find out.. That I’m a horrible electrician.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A piece of fruit held up a bank and stole some money. It was a strobbery.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Some say that the english language is hard to learn. But you can do it through tough, thorough thought though.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I work to buy a car to go to work.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• A zen student asked his master: “Is it okay to use email?”. “Yes”, replied the master, “but with no attachments.”

  Tags: one-liners

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• That awesome moment when you open the fridge and the first thing you see is the thing you wanted to eat.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What would you get if you crossed a athlete and the Invisible Man?… Sports like no one has ever seen.

  Tags: one-liners

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• She was only a whisky maker's daughter, but he loved her still.

  Tags: puns

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• I told my boss 3 companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my present job. He asked which 3 were interested. I said the gas, electric and cable.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the hand and the mitten get married? Because it was glove at first sight.

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• You never have to worry about love at first sight if you steadfastly keep looking at your phone.

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• When someone asks me if I'm seeing anyone, I automatically assume they're talking about a psychiatrist.

  Tags: one-liners, medical

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• A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

  Tags: puns

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• Why did the mermaid rush out of her maths exam, red faced and embarrassed? Because her algaebra didn't hold up.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I could make jokes about bears, but they are unbearable.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I don't trust people with graph paper... They're always plotting something.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Canada could have had it all: American industry, British Culture, and French Cuisine. Instead, they got: French Industry, American culture, and British cuisine

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• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Do you know why Sonic never chooses Heads? Cause he prefers Tails.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said: ‘dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’

  Tags: one-liners

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• You play World of Warcraft AND Leage of Legends? Wow, lol.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My love life is like Santa Claus. It exists thanks to gullible six year olds

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• Why do sharks eat underwater internet cables? They were advised to have more fiber in their diet.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did one hamburger bun say to the other hamburger bun? Nothing. They had beef between them.

  Tags: one-liners

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• In 20 years, I bet there's going to be a college course called eye contact.

  Tags: one-liners

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• So the iPhone 7 gets arrested... He puts on his earpods and smugly declares "sorry, you can't charge me while I'm using my headphones".

  Tags: one-liners

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• “Yoda, are you sure we are going in the right direction?”. Yoda: Off course we are.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you're looking for the best time to spill things on yourself, might I suggest wearing a white shirt and right before an interview.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a stallion raised by a reclusive author on whole grain wheat? A Thoreau-bred thoroughbred fed thorough bread.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

  Tags: crazy-jokes

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• "Doctor doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!" "I'll deal with you later!"

  Tags: medical

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• How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? Look for the fresh prints.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is Samsung CEO's favorite movie? Total recall

  Tags: one-liners

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• My parents never let me listen to classical or jazz music growing up. Too much sax and violins.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• Four years ago, I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Lawyers really aren't so bad, it's just ninety-nine percent of lawyers that make the rest look bad.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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