Following questions and answers were collated from recent British GCSE exams (16 year olds)!
Tags: school
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Following questions and answers were collated from recent British GCSE exams (16 year olds)!
Tags: school
PermalinkThe difference between the Pope and your boss.... The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf you invited all the alphabet to tea who would be late? The letters 'UVWXYZ' because they all come after 'T'.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy did the blonde jumped off the bridge? Because she thought her maxi had wings!
Tags: blonde-jokes
PermalinkQ. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common? A. No ball room
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkPaddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a Labrador dog. "Oh, I wouldn't if I were you!", says Mick. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat did the Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer? Cool Ranch!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhat do you call someone with no nose? Nobody knows.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhy did the man run around his bed? Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkI wish my name was Gary Boone! Do you wanna know why? Because, then, my name could be goon... you see, because you take the "G" from Gary and the "oone" from Boone to get Goon! But, you know, that's not the worst nickname. The person that does have the worst nickname is my friend, Phil Hart. I can't even tell you what we call him...
Tags: children
PermalinkJack was summoned by the Disciplinarian where his son, Tracey was enrolled. Tracey always throw stones at his playmates and he never missed. Jack replied to the Disciplinarian : Sir, please look at the bright side. My son will grow up to be a very effective baseball pitcher.
Tags: children
PermalinkCan You Decipher This Phrase? pu Back up!
Tags: animal
PermalinkTwo rednecks had just gone fishing and brought in the largest amount of fish they had ever seen. One said to the other, "Did you mark the place where the fishing was so good?""Yes, I put an X on the side of the boat. ""You idiot. That if we were gonna take a different boat next time?"
Tags: idiots
PermalinkQ: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen. A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb. A: Two. One to assume the latter (a pun) and change the bulb. A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkOnce,there was a teacher and a girl named Wendy.The teacher asked for Wendy to say a sentence starting with the word I. So wendy started to say I is....Then the teacher said, "No Wendy, it is I am." So Wendy said, "I am the ninth letter if the alphabet."
Tags: children
PermalinkMiss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?" A little boy on the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"
Tags: children
PermalinkHow many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, it turned itself in.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkMagazine Bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.... HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. .... with Beer
Tags: money
PermalinkVacation begins when dad says. "I know a shortcut"!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose? Hare spray.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkHey, dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkTwo sausages were in a pan.One sausage turns to the other and says, "Man, Its getting hot in here."The other sausage screams and says, "AH! A talking sausage!!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat does the male centipede say to the other male centipede when a female centipede walks by? That's a nice pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs.....
Tags: animal
PermalinkThe song, "Yankee Doodle" was originally sung by British soldiers to insult the colonialists (which was typical of the British in those days). The Continental Army took to singing it to annoy the British (which was typical of the colonialists).
Tags: at-work
PermalinkQ: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb? A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkIf you are inventing something, the best way for it to work is to give it a job.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a blonde at a University?A visitor.
Tags: misc
PermalinkKnock-knock. A race condition. Who is there?
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkFor people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." - Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
Tags: at-work
PermalinkWhy don't React developers like nature? They prefer the virtual DOM.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkWhat amimal walks with its feet on its head? a flea.
Tags: misc
PermalinkMy uncle is very superstitious. He won't work any week that has a Friday in it.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5000 miles.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhy did the programmer go broke? He used up all his cache
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkThere was a big moron and a little moron, sitting on a ledge. The big moron fell off. Why? Because the little moron was a little more on.
Tags: puns
PermalinkA red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed. The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."
Tags: bar-jokes
PermalinkWhen Chuck Norris jumps in a pool he dosent get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris'd. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a horse. It's decendants are know as giraffes. Chuck Norris doesn't need oxygen, oxygen needs Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris doesn't pay off debt, debt pays off Chuck Norris.
Tags: misc
PermalinkThere are these kids at school, each bragging about how they ruined something in an amount of time. 1st kid: I wore out a pair of shoes in 1 month. 2nd kid: I wore out a pair of jeans in 1 week. 3rd kid: Oh that's nothing, I wore out my babysitter in 5 minutes!
Tags: children
PermalinkWhat do you call a Spanish man with a rubber toe? Answer: Roberto.
Tags: puns
PermalinkQ: How many Lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkTwo cows were standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
Tags: animal
PermalinkMy bedroom is so small... The mice are hunchbacked. I shut the door and and the doorknob was in bed with me. I have to go outside to change my mind. If I stand up, I'm on the second floor.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA 14-year old boy was helping his mom wash the dishes after dinner on a beautiful day. He says, "Mom, can I go outside? I want to play football." His mom says, "OK, but on one condition: you let your little brother play with you and your friends." The teenager replied with, "But mom, we already tried that. This time I want to play with a real football!"
Tags: sports
PermalinkQ: What do you call a cat with a machine gun?A: Sir.Q: What does a snail do on a tortoise's back?A: "Vrooom... vrooom... vrooooooom..."Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
Tags: animal
PermalinkCan you decipher this phrase? U P Broken up!
Tags: misc
PermalinkI heard they were going to name a highway after Willie Nelson in Texas... But be Warned: When taking this highway look out for pot holes!
Tags: puns
PermalinkA State Police colleague of mine once received a call from a woman who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked, "But why would you call the State Police to find out how to baste a turkey?" There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you knew, didn't you?" and hung up.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ. Why was the Gum so mad in class? A. It was Chewed Out!
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Billions and billions.
Tags: light-bulbs
Permalink"Well, how are you getting on with your dating of the banker's daughter?""Not so bad. I'm getting some encouragement now. ""Really, is she beginning to smile sweetly at you or something?""Not exactly, but last night she said that she's said 'no' for the last time. "
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: One, men will screw anything.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkTom, the fisherman, wrote the following to a mail order catalogue, "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check." A few days later, Tom received the following reply, "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."
Tags: misc
PermalinkTwo bees in their hive on a lovely summer day, and one says to the other, "'Swarm in here, isn't it?"
Tags: puns
PermalinkHow did the person take over the remote? He asked for remote CONTROLS!
Tags: tech
PermalinkA boy was going to church on Sunday. His mom gave him $40 so that he could put $20 in the offering plate and use $20 to buy anything on the way. On his way to the church he lost the $40, so he went back to look for it. He found $20, then looked up and said, "God, here is mine. Go and look for yours!"
Tags: children
PermalinkWhy do crabs never give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkOne day a boy said to his mom, "I'm a Picses, what are you?" The the mom answered, "Cancer." The boy then asked in a shocked state, "You killed Grandma?"
Tags: children
PermalinkMy older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why. I had to draw my own conclusions.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkI hope you never get a tetanus shot; maybe you'll windup with lockjaw.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ: Why could Long John Silver never find an aspirin? A: 'Cause his parrots ate them all.
Tags: puns
PermalinkPhillip's teacher asks him, "Can you name the Great Lakes?" Phillip, always fast with an answer, pipes up with, "I don't need to. They've already been named."
Tags: children
PermalinkThere was a family of gnus, and one day, Mr Gnu went out to get some food but was ambushed and eaten by a pride of lions. Next salute, a poacher shoots Mrs Gnu, leaving poor Baby Gnu to starve to death. Well, that's the end of the gnus; here's the weather . . .
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhen is it Michael Jackson's bed time? When the little hand meets the big hand.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ: What device lets you see through a wall? A: Window
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: What did Jane say to Tarzan when she saw the elephants coming? A: Here come the plums; she was color blind.
Tags: animal
PermalinkA man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Tags: puns
PermalinkQ: How many Harvard grads does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkA man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said "Why did you put up such a fight?" To which the man replied, "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat did the Java code say to the C code? You've got no class.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkWant to hear a really big joke? JOKE!
Tags: misc
PermalinkShow me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A-flat minor.
Tags: puns
PermalinkWays To Annnoy Your Roommate Become a mime. Nothing is more annoying than a mime. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks." Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend? She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhy do choirs keep buckets handy? So they can carry their tune
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhat do you call a group of disorganized cats? A cat-tastrophe.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkA woman gets into a cab and gives the cab driver an address all the way across town. When they arrive, the woman says, "I have no money."The cabbie says, "I have to get paid."The woman raises her dress and asks, "Will this do?"The cabbie says, "Don't you have anything smaller?"
Tags: misc
PermalinkWe're here on the airport, where a group of people have just arrived after being stranded on an island for more than a year.
Tags: misc
PermalinkOn the first day of her vacation, a woman fell and broke her leg. As the doctor examined her, she moaned, "Why couldn't this have happened on my last day of skiing?" He looked up. "This IS your last day of skiing."
Tags: medical
PermalinkAn Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says "What is this - some kind of joke?"
Tags: bar
PermalinkA guy went into a bookshop and asked the salesgirl if she had a book called, "How to Master Your Wife."The salesgirl said, "Our science fiction section is upstairs."
Tags: science
PermalinkThe king had a powerful army. He reined for 7 years before clearing the clouds!!!
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhy did the burglar hang his mugshot on the wall? To prove that he was framed!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkAntarctica is the driest, coldest, windiest and highest continent on earth. Panama is the only place in the world that you can see the sun rise on the Pacific and set on the Atlantic. The only lighthouse to use electricity was the Statue of Liberty. A honey bee can fly up to 15 m.p.h.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat is the speed of dark?
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow To Annoy People In An Elevator: Ask, "Did you hear that cable snapping sound?" Call the psychic hotline from you cell phone, and ask if they know what floor you're on. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!" Hum the theme from Mission Impossible with yours eyes darting around the elevator.
Tags: misc
PermalinkA little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter -- haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Wizards don't use lightbulbs!
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkThe secret to enjoying a good wine is: 1 - Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2 - When it does not breathe, give it mouth-to-mouth
Tags: bar
PermalinkWhat kind of music do planets listen to? Nep-tunes.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkDo you know what the word 'was' was initially? Before was was was was was is.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkSalary Increase "I must have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me." "Really?" the boss asked. "What other companies are after you?" "The gas company, the telephone company, and the electricity company," the man replied.
Tags: at-work
PermalinkDid you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?
Tags: misc
PermalinkPlease choose and acceptable rating for the joke(G=for all ages; PG=mild PG-13=really violent R=Explicit) before you submit it. People of different ages and preferences read different jokes on this website. If you give a G rating to a dirty joke, some users may get upset and rank your joke poorly. For more information, please read our FAQ.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhere does Superman's goldfish live ? In the superbowl....
Tags: animal
PermalinkEveryone knows that common phrase, meaning, 'COME ON, I NEED TO GET LUCKY!' Well, whenever I need to get lucky, I say, Daddy needs a new pair o' pants! (Come on, winter is coming!)
Tags: misc
PermalinkIn the 60's, people took acid to make the world appear weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow many ventriloquists does it take to change a light bulb? Two - one to change the light bulb, and one to holg ge gottong og ge lagger.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkI wouldn't have believed this unless I seen it with my own eyes. I was walking down a street in the city I live in and noticed a store was going out of business. In the window was a huge sign "GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SALE", directly below that sign was another sign that said "NOW HIRING!" Talk about no job security!
Tags: at-work
PermalinkWhat is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile...
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkI think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkCan February march? No, but April may.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkA woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him. "Yes," she replied readily. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all."
Tags: men
PermalinkA father asked his son: "Why do you take the medicine before it's time? " The son answered:" To surprise the germs! "
Tags: children
PermalinkThrowing acid is wrong - in some people's eyes
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy was the font always tired? It was always bold.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkA father watched his young son practice baseball in the backyard by throwing the ball up and swinging at it. Time and time again the bat missed contact. The boy noticed his father watching, and said, "Wow, Dad! Aren't I a great pitcher?"
Tags: sports
PermalinkHow did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant? He forgot to wrap the "Whopper"!!!
Tags: misc
PermalinkOne time I went school shopping... AND BOUGHT THREE SCHOOLS!!!
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat time is it? I don't know... it keeps changing.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhat do you call a fashionable lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythmn? A metro-gnome
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhat do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
Tags: classic, general
Permalink"I'm really too tired and unable to do my home work," the son protested to his father. "Now my son, hard work has never killed any one yet, at least not at your age." "Yes, but I don't want to run the risk of being the first!"
Tags: children
PermalinkA weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?" Pop,goes the weasel.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhat do you do when the dishwasher stops working? Slap her!
Tags: misc
PermalinkLegs is the word - spread the word.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy goal is to find a soulmate. It's not cheating, just multi-tasking.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented? Lil Caesars
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhy did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkA young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?" The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"
Tags: at-work
PermalinkQ: How many [IBM] Technical Writers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only, ''This page intentionally left blank,'' and 20% of the definitions are of the form ''A
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhat starts with an E, ends with an E and usually contains only one letter? ENVELOPE!
Tags: misc
PermalinkOne employee asked another, "How long have you been working here?" The second said, "Ever since the boss threatened to fire me!"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA 6'4" man hit a midget in the rear while at a red light. The midget gets out of his car and comes up to the man and says, "I'm NOT happy!" and the man replied, "Which one are you, then?"
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat do you call a singing Laptop? A Dell
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkRemember, whenever someone says that you're nobody, remember nobody's perfect.
Tags: misc
PermalinkKnock knock. Who's there? He. He who? He who must not be named, so don't say it!
Tags: knock-knock
Permalink"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, sir," the clerk replied."That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
Tags: family-parents
PermalinkWhat does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?They're hiring.
Tags: misc
PermalinkOnce i bought a squirrel and I named it Melinda, and then I gave it food and then it died! Now I have a box named Joice Ann and I gave it some water and it fell down and then it died!
Tags: animal
Permalink1. The water proof towel2. Solar powered flash light3. Sumberrine screen door4. A book on how to read5. Inflatable dart board6. A dictionary index7. Ejector seat in a helicopter8. Powdered water9. Pedel powered wheel chair10. Water proof tea bags
Tags: blonde-jokes
PermalinkWhy does it take longer to get from 1st to 2nd base, than it does to get from 2nd to 3rd base? Because there’s a Shortstop in between!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkDid you hear about the fight at the seafood grill last night? (no) Well, the fish got battered!!
Tags: misc
PermalinkFive policemen were on a boat. The boat sank. How many policemen died? 10 - five during the accident, and five during the re-enactment.
Tags: at-work
PermalinkTwo muffins were sitting next to each other, in an oven, as they were being cooked. One muffin turned to the other muffin, and said, "Man, it's hot in here." Then the other muffin turned to the first muffin and screamed, "AHHH! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkKnock-knock Who's there It's me. This is not a joke. It's me. This is not a joke. who? Grrrrrrrrrr...
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkI asked my girl-friend what she would like for her birthday, and she said she would like a green jumper. So I bought her a frog.
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhat happens to you if you can not read? Well, since you'll probably be staying in Kindergarten, less homework!
Tags: children
Permalinkthe last thoughts, and percentages of brain capacity
Tags: misc
PermalinkI sprayed my dog with spot remover. Now he is gone.
Tags: animal
PermalinkQ: How does a Blonde kill a bird?A: She throws it off a cliff!
Tags: misc
PermalinkKnock-Knock Who's there? Me Me who? Who the hell is me-who???
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkWhat's the difference between a sock and a camera? One takes five toes and one takes photos.
Tags: misc
PermalinkConfucius Say: Crowd in elevator smell different to midget.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow did Alfo make a quart of juice from 3 oranges? It was a tight squeeze.
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhy are all the numbers scared of 7? Because 7 ate 9!
Tags: misc
PermalinkI found this on a can of Juicey-Juice 100% Juice. Just add water.
Tags: misc
PermalinkTry to refrain from referring to this website or the users of this website in the jokes you post on Wocka. This is mainly because most of the people who read the jokes might not understand the reference to a particular person and they will rate the joke poorly because they do not understand it.
Tags: misc
PermalinkShakespeare walks into a bar and the bartender shouts at him, "You can't come in here, you're Bard!"
Tags: bar
PermalinkA wealthy man had a falling out with his two sons. It was serious enough that he decided to change his will. At his lawyer's office, he threw his will on the table and said, "This needs an heircut."
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhy did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkKid says to mom:"The babysitter's an angel! She was naked in the garden and screamed God I'm coming! Lucky daddy was holding her from behind to keep her here!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ:Why can peter pan fly? A:Because if you got hit in the peter with a pan you'd fly too.
Tags: misc
PermalinkAt one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been cancelled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ)what do you call a polar bear in the jungle? A)lost!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI asked a boolean if it wanted lunch. It said maybe. Now I have bigger problems.
Tags: tech, one-liner
Permalink"Mom! Deaf kids at school are making fun of me." "What did they say?"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe folks at American Greetings have compiled a list of lines to use when signing you valentine.... depending on your personality.
Tags: holidays
PermalinkWhy did the boy buy a new bum? Coz his had a crack in it.
Tags: children
PermalinkIf you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA patient wakes up after having surgery to remove a gangrenous leg. Doctor: "I have good news and bad news." Patient: "What's the bad news?" Doctor: "The bad news is that we amputated the wrong leg." Patient: "That's terrible! What's the good news?" Doctor: "We think the other leg is going to make it alright."
Tags: medical
PermalinkTwo ships, one carrying lots of red paint, the other carrying lots of purple paint, crashed on a desert island. The drivers are now marooned.
Tags: puns
PermalinkLow Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursdays at 7:30 to 8:30, Please use the back door. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double doors at the side entrance.
Tags: misc
Permalink"Is that right, that you Dubliners always answer a question with another question?" "Now, who would be telling you that?"
Tags: misc
PermalinkAccording to the news, Michael Jackson is broke and can't even afford the payroll at Neverland Ranch. So the next time you see Michael with his hands in a 12-year-old's pocket, he might just be looking for lunch money
Tags: children
PermalinkEmployer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible." Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
Tags: puns
PermalinkJoe: Hi Jack. How did you like horseback riding? Jack: Not that much. The problem was that the horse was too polite. Joe: Polite? Jack: Yep. When we reached the fence he let me go over first.
Tags: animal
PermalinkA British girl recently moved to the United States and their home was near the Colorado River in Texas. The English teacher asked the kids to write about their home and neighborhood. The British girl wrote "My home is near the Colourado River." as part of her work.
Tags: children
PermalinkMiddle Age: when knees buckle and belts don't.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ: Did you hear the joke about the jump rope? A: No, I skipped it!
Tags: sports
Permalink"Doctor, Doctor! My friend has only 59 seconds to live." "Don't worry, I'll be there in a minute."
Tags: medical
PermalinkWhat do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
Tags: misc
PermalinkOnce, a teacher was showing a child a picture of a firefighter taking a child out of a burning building. The teacher asked what that was. The child replied,"A pregnant firefighter." Instead of scolding him, she calmly asked,"Do you know what pregnant means?" The little boy just said, "Yes, it means to be carrying a child."
Tags: children
PermalinkWhat do you call an eagle who can play the piano? Talonted!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkQ: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb? A: Many hands make light work.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWaitress walks up to a man and says "Hi, May I take your order please?" The man replies, "Yes, can I get the turtle soup please."The waitress walks off to go get his order, but the man changes his mind and decides he wants pea soup instead. He calls for the waitress and says, "Hold the turtle, make it pea!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkIf an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ: What is big and grey and comes in quarts? A: An elephant.
Tags: animal
PermalinkNot to be confused with the Daily Joke Newsletter, a subscription to a joke means that it will appear on your "View Subscriptions" page. This allows you to keep up-to-date on the conversation/comments of your favorite jokes. To subscribe, click the checkbox at the bottom of the comment box on the joke page. You can always unsubscribe at any time.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb? A: 101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change light bulbs too.
Tags: light-bulbs
Permalinkonce a women was in her home and she heard someone go knock-knock. she said, who's their and the voice said tisha the women said tisha who the voice said tisha me my abcs and she was like is that a ghost. the voice said, i'm your cousin and it was a knock-knock joke. oh the woman said
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkTwo cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ. What do you call a cow that gives chocolate milk? A. An Utter Delight!
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhat’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkLady: How do I spread love in this cruel world? Random Dude: [...💘]
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkQ: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? A: Because it had no body to go with.
Tags: misc
PermalinkOnce there was a guy who didn't know which train station would take him to L.A. So, he asked a guy nearby,"What train takes me to L.A? The left, or right train?" The answer was, "If you go to the right one, you'll be left and if you go to the left one, you'll be right."
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat do you call a sheep with no eyes? A blind sheep (what else?)
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat's the difference between an HO-sausage and Sputnik? They've officially confirmed that Sputnik 2 had a dog in it.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhat did the whale say to the dolphin when he pushed him? I didn't do it on porpoise!
Tags: animal
PermalinkBoy: Will you marry me? Girl: Are you kidding? You're a geek while I need a man with a big bank account and a nice house! Boy: I have 1000 GBs in the cloud. Girl: Come on, that won't even buy us a cabin in Texas! Boy: You don't know sh*t, my EC2 account can buy a farm in New York if you wish!
Tags: tech
PermalinkAfter picking up food for his daughter's cat, George spied a new bowl for the pet and grabbed it too. "Shall I have the cat's name written on the side of the bowl?" offered the store owner. "No, don't bother," replied George. "He can't read anyway."
Tags: animal
PermalinkBilly's teacher sent a note home to Mom saying, "Billy is a very bright boy, but spends much too much time thinking about girls and sex." The next day Mom sent a note back to the teacher saying, "If you happen to find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Dad."
Tags: children
PermalinkHow come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer, Olive? Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names." What's the most popular wine at Christmas? "I don't like sprouts"!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ: How many colorguard girls does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Five, one to call the colorguard forward and four to take it down with a ceremony.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkOnce a bird pooped on me, so I threw it back.
Tags: animal
PermalinkNever accept a drink from a urologist, nor a friendly handshake from a proctologist.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA calendar â something that goes in one year and out the other.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"."Sure do," replied the bartender."Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's the difference between Michael Jackson and Santa? Nothing, they both leave children's bedrooms with empty sacks!
Tags: misc
PermalinkThe Blonde walked into a bar. The Brunette used the door. The redhead actually OPENED the door, and the Asian actually WENT THROUGH the door.
Tags: bar
PermalinkTrue bravery is arriving home late after a boy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAlways keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat is it called when your pet snake doesn't feel right? -reptile dysfunction.
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhy did the designer break up with their font? Because it wasn't their type.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkHow many members of a certain demographic group does it take to perform a specified task? A finite number: one to perform the task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of the group in question.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkOne day, a customer walked into a pet shop and told the clerk, "I need two small, gray mice and about five dozen roaches." Puzzled, the shop attendant asked the reason for this strange request. "Well, I'm moving out of my apartment and my lease told me that I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found them."
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkTwo white horses fell in the mud and three came out.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy didn't the skeleton go to the party? He had no body to go with.
Tags: classic, one-liner
PermalinkHe was a smooth operator, and at the club's annual dance he attached himself to the prettiest lady golfer in the room and was boasting to her. "You know, they're all afraid to play me. What do you think my handicap is?" "Well, where do you want me to start ?" came the quick response.
Tags: sports
PermalinkKnock Knock Who's there? Aesop Aesop who? Aesop I saw a Putty Cat, I did I did!
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkA regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful. "Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender. "Who gave those beauties to you?" "Nobody gave them to me," said Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for both of them."
Tags: bar
PermalinkQ: How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb? A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkQ: How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb? A: None, they like to keep him in the dark.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhat's black and white and makes a lot of noise? A zebra with a drum.
Tags: animal
PermalinkI saw on the news a little boy being carried up to the sky. I got scared cause I thought Michael Jackson was ordering take-out from Heaven.
Tags: misc
PermalinkIf the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Tags: crazy-jokes
PermalinkTo help students remember the word for "wear" in Latin, the professor used the phrase: semper ubi, sub ubi Translation: Always wear under wear.
Tags: college
PermalinkQ. What are the two main political parties in Canada? A. Moose and Squirrel
Tags: animal
PermalinkDid you hear that David lost his ID in prague? Now we just have to call him Dav.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhy can't a gypsy man walk right? Because he has crystal balls!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy do pumpkins sit on people’s porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkA guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!".The wife says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?"He says, "I don't care. Just get the hell out!"
Tags: men
PermalinkKnock-Knock Who's there? Me DUHH!!
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkOverweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ: How many lead guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. The guitarist holds the bulb and the world revolves around him!
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkThis is the epitaph on the gravestone of an army mule: Here lies Maggie, who in her time kicked two colonels, four majors, ten captains, twenty-four lieutenants, forty-two sergeants, four hundred eighty-six privates, and one bomb.
Tags: animal
PermalinkSome days you are the bug. Some days you are the windshield.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA little boy is adopted from Korea and is flown to the USA to meet his new parents. A few years later the parents decide to adopt again on the way to the airport the little boy sees planes coming in to land. He says to his mother, "Look at all the babies being born." (he thinks all babies come on air planes Ha Ha)
Tags: children
PermalinkWhere do cats go to find their tail? The retail store.
Tags: animal
PermalinkA wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."
Tags: at-work
PermalinkWhy was the fish expelled from school? He was caught with seaweed!
Tags: animal
PermalinkFew women admit their age, Few men act theirs.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA blind guy, a deaf guy, and an armless guy were in a cave. All of a sudden, a blind guy said he heard something, the deaf guy said he saw something, and the armless guy said "Let's kick his ass!"
Tags: misc
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