Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• I've never played the bagpipes but I have carried a screaming three-year-old toddler over my shoulder.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

  Tags: misc

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• How are peanut butter and jelly related? They're inbred

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have only seen people underwhelmed or overwhelmed, never whelmed properly...

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I put all my watches together to make a belt. It was a waist of time

  Tags: one-liners

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• Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

  Tags: one-liners

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• It's funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Which country has the fastest growing capitol? Ireland. It's Dublin every year.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

  Tags: one-liners

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• A fortune teller escaped from prison and became a small medium at large.

  Tags: puns

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• How is a thrown dictionary similar to birds flying south for winter? They’re both flying information.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Gotta give credit to spiders... They're the only web-developers out there that actually enjoy finding bugs.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why didn't the volcano have any money? It went bank-erupt.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How come you're responsible if you do your taxes in March, but I'm crazy when I do my trick-or-treating in September?

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• It is illegal to stick coins in your ears in the state of Hawaii.

  Tags: misc

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• Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .

  Tags: one-liners

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• When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I like to finish other people's sentences because... my version is better.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine? To stop his coffin.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do people say "This is the first day of the rest of your life"? Isn't that true about everyday unless you die that day?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the dentist said to the Sabretooth tiger? You have outstanding teeth.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, medical

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• The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've found if you say "well well well" as soon as someone sits down across from you, you immediately get the upper hand for about 2 seconds.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes? Re-morse code.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My daughter has a math test on Roman numerals. I told her I hope she gets a "C".

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• I went to a wedding the other day. Two antennas were getting married. It wasn't much of a wedding ceremony, but it was one heck of a reception!

  Tags: puns

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• To the guy that found my empty wallet... I don't know how to repay you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a man with 6,022 x 10^23 dollars? A Moleionaire

  Tags: one-liners

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• Somedays I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Remember: You can eat your way out of almost any problem.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• It turns out the answer to my problems wasn't at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I can't wait for Valentine's Day because I get to make cupcakes for a special someone and that special someone is me.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I've just won the 2013 'Most secretive person' award. I can't tell you how much it means to me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• For Sale: Thick layer of dust. As seen on TV.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My next door neighbor banged on my door at 3:00 am last night. Fortunately, I was wide awake, playing my bagpipes on the back porch at the time.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered all over the world.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Do you know what an enforcer does on a hockey team? Just checking.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• My neighbor is loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you ever feel lonely... just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies. After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a depressed pair of croissants? Pain au pain.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I bought a book titled "How To Scam People Online" about three months ago... It still hasn't arrived.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• What do you call a Filipino contortionist? A manila folder!!!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the pedestrian path finally crack? It got tired of constantly getting walked all over.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many Microsoft executives does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They just redefine 'darkness' as an industry standard.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You know your day is bad if your twin sister forgot your birthday.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have nothing to declare except my genius.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Don't join the new TESCO dating service, my mate did and he ended up with a bag for life.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two Teemos sit in a brush. One says to the other "There's not mushroom in here"

  Tags: one-liners

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• 62% of Kentuckians pronounce their state capital "Loo-uh-vul", while 38% say "Loo-ee-ville". Unfortunately, the correct answer is Frankfort.

  Tags: one-liners

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• He is so old that he gets nostalgic when he sees the Neolithic cave paintings.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Call me geometry... Because when I become difficult, guys cheat on me.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• How do you tell the difference between an electrician and an electrical engineer? Ask them to pronounce the word, "unionized".

  Tags: one-liners

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• 5 years from now it'll be 2020... I can see it now... That's a perfect vision joke.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I always take life with a grain of salt... Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The name's Bond. Ionic bond. Taken, not shared.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said "WHERE"?

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• After winning the game, I threw the ball into the crowd just like they do on TV. Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I couldn't fix your brakes, so instead I made your horn louder.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the melon say when his lawn looked dry. Guess it's time to watermalawn.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I had a nickel for every bread pun. I'd have a pun-per-nickel.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Accidentally swiped my donor card instead of my debit card today... my groceries ended up costing me an arm and a leg

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why does windmills like heavy metal? Because they are a huge metal fan

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• I had to quit my vegetarian diet. Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do librarians hate tennis? Too much racket.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• rudeness - someone who keeps talking while your are trying to interrupt.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My mouth has turned into a flower bed. It has tulips.

  Tags: puns

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• England fans must be pretty happy right now. They've been waiting years for their team to play like Spain.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the difference between a sharply dressed man on a unicycle and a dully dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Diner: Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?Waiter: Look's like the backstroke sir!

  Tags: misc

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• I asked my friend in Greenland, what it's like living there. He told me it's so great, he's on top of the World.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the letter O say to the letter Q? "For God's sake man, put some pants on!"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Believe it or not, but when you're living alone a clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, programming

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• How are snakes dangerous? They can’t even walk

  Tags: one-liners

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• I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000... I can’t stand it!

  Tags: one-liners

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• We all know where the Big Apple is... But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners? Not a fan.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are birthday's good for you? Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you milk a sheep? Put an apple logo on your product.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.

  Tags: one-liners

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• what did the Copper say to the sodium chloride couple? I'm taking you in for a salt

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Why are there so many people in Boston? They’re Mass-produced

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: What's a space pirate's favorite planet? A: mArrrs!

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• If Stranger Things was British it’d be called. Bit Odd Innit?

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you play a Windows Vista disc backwards, you can hear satanic chanting what's worse, if you play it forwards, it installs Vista.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wish conversations were like user agreements where I could skip to the end and just agree.

  Tags: one-liners

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• There are so many scams on the Internet these days.... but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• I can't play loud music on any instrument. It's just not my forte.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I am so single once I tried to change my Facebook status from single to relationship, captcha pops on my screen Facebook thought I may be a robot.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• I told the waiter my fish was dry. The waiter said they had to take it out of the water.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Friend: "I don't want to bore you with my problems." Me: "Awesome, thank you."

  Tags: one-liners

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• A Cable repairman was on my street today and he asked me what time it was. I replied "It is between 1 and 8 pm."

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two guys walk into a bar: "Ouch! Oof!"

  Tags: misc

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• Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

  Tags: misc

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• Apparently, saying "Wow, you've grown since I last saw you" isn't deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What has a head, a tail, and no body? A coin!

  Tags: one-liners

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• 4 Norse god, 1 Roman god, and 2 astronomical bodies walk into a bar. The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Can You Understand Binary?

  There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who can do binary and those who can't.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Customer: Waiter, I’m in a hurry! Will the pancakes be long? Waiter: No sir, round.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I eat the broken cookies first because I feel bad for them.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I know someone who faked his degree in botany. He wrote his thesis on artificial Christmas trees.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two slices of bread got married. The ceremony was going quite well until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Any wire cut to length will be too short.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sometimes I just tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll

  Tags: one-liners

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• A depressed Storm Trooper goes to the bar for some jager shots. He goes home sober.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A stranger just came up to me and told me she was vegan... I swear I've met herbivore

  Tags: one-liners

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• My dog and I both freak out whenever the doorbell rings but we run in opposite directions.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Diplomacy: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

  Tags: misc

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• I wonder where my brother is, his lunch is getting all cold ... ... ... and eaten..

  Tags: one-liners

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• You might be a redneck if you have to haul a paint can to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.

  Tags: misc

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• My father said I would be able to consider myself successful when my bank account balance resembled a phone number. Hey. 911 is a phone number.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• What part of a football ground is never the same? The changing rooms.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Did you hear about the tree that made an Ash of itself?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop... I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors...

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just got in trouble from my parents for yelling "What the duck!" They told me I'm not to use fowl language

  Tags: one-liners

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• It's officially New Year's Eve, you only have a couple of hours to do all the things you will resolve not to do in the new year.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why doesn't the Grinch like knock knock jokes? Because there's always Whos there!

  Tags: one-liners

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• My roommates get angry when I steal their kitchen utensils. But frankly, thats a whisk I'm willing to take.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I recently quit my job at the orange juice factory...... I just couldn’t concentrate.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why was the dentist investigated by the Securities & Exchange Commission? For incisor trading!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Best math book never written: "High School Math" by Cal Q. Luss

  Tags: one-liners

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• Baseball is my favorite sport, because you can play it on a professional level with food in your mouth.

  Tags: one-liners, food, sports

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• I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...

  Tags: one-liners

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• What travels around the world but stays in one corner? A stamp.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the most useful material? Scratch. You can make anything from scratch.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I asked Siri why I was still single. She turned on the front camera

  Tags: one-liners

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• I came out to my parents this week, I said I wanted to become a mechanic. I've already started transmissioning...

  Tags: one-liners

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• 85%of people in America don't know basic math. Thanks God I'm from the other 25%

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did one autumn leaf say to another? I'm falling for you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When I canceled my gym membership, I had to hand in my too weak notice

  Tags: one-liners

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• Dentist: "You need a crown." Patient: "Finally someone who understands me"

  Tags: one-liners, medical

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• Iron Man is a very confusing character. I know he’s a guy but he could’ve been Fe Male.

  Tags: one-liners

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• After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I find it very offensive when people get easily offended.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's Autocorrect's blood type? typo negative

  Tags: one-liners

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• Like a flat tire.......how I'm rolling this morning.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I once tried to make a square but I ended up with an octagon. That’s what happens when you cut corners

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was about to crack a joke on boxers; now leave it, I forgot the punchline.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call friends that you go out to eat with? Taste buds.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Just been chatting to my neighbour's teenage daughter and it turns out she's really into UFOs and aliens. Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips!

  Tags: one-liners, food, programming

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• Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What shape is your hair in the morning? A wrecktangle. (Made up by my 10 year old daughter :)

  Tags: one-liners

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• Saw a guy at a bar chatting up a cheetah. I thought, "Well, I never - he's trying to pull a fast one!"

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What do you call someone with no body and just a nose ? Nobody knows

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the tree install solar panels? It wanted to be a power plant.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You can lose weight by putting sliced bread on your head. It's a loaf-hat-diet.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle? It’s Eeleagle

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why can't pigs tell a joke? Because they're such a bore.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I saw two kids damaging my front lawn with a network device. So I modem down.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What’s Gollum‘s favourite horror movie? The Ring

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze pilots say to his students? Watch closely. I’m only going to do this once.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What goes up and never comes down? Your age!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Do Roman paramedics refer to an IV as a four?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I could never figure out why I was never any good at math!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Someone keyed the music teacher’s car. Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver!

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• "I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon".

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Finally got around to watching Back To The Future... It's about time.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realized he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• One day Canada will take over the world. Then we'll all be sorry.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I miss my old zoology teacher: Mrs. Turtle. Unusual name for a teacher, but she tortoise well.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a snobby criminal walking down the steps? A condescending con descending.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm trying computer dating, at least I'm not getting dumped... but I do get deleted.

  Tags: one-liners

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• $2.1 million worth of textbooks were stolen the other day. All eight books were recovered.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don’t have a “dad bod.”. I have a father figure.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why didn't the Romans find algebra very difficult? Because X was always 10

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: Where can you find a dog with no legs?A:Right where you left it.

  Tags: animal

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• Why is Valentine's Day the best day for a celebration? Because you can really party hearty!

  Tags: one-liners

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• The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn. Now I have stable wifi

  Tags: one-liners

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• Dogs. Because when everyone looks at you like you're crazy, they look at you like you're amazing.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• In a place without geometry life is pointless.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab, the results speak for themselves

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Whenever I get on my roof to clean the gutters, I always slip and fall. Every shingle time.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the gamer cross the road? Buy the DLC to find out

  Tags: one-liners

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• Just got back from the Transformers convention. and boy are my arms tires.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Shout out to the people asking what the opposite of in is.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm Telling You . . . .

  "Everything that can be invented has been invented." - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

  Tags: tech

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• The only problem with kissing a perfect 10 is how cold the mirror feels against your lips.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear what happened to the big game taxidermist who fell behind on his debt? His deer rear career is in arrears

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don't cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• What's a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Intelligence is like an underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I made voodoo dolls of my dogs just so I could still rub their bellies while I'm at work.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, at-work

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• I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...

  Tags: one-liners

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• You might be a Redneck if you see a sign that says, "Say no to crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.

  Tags: misc

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• My resumé is just a list of things I hope you never ask me to do.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What dog can't bark? A hot dog.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, food

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• What's a horrible icebreaker? The titanic

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the Squirtle say to the Charmander? Squirtle

  Tags: one-liners

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• I recently heard about a mannequin that lost all of his friends because he was so clothes minded!

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do a lot of math nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why was the cheetah so bad at hide and seek ? No matter where she hid, she was always spotted.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Why did the teacher jump into the water? She wanted to test the water!

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• What happens to Nitrogen when you put it in direct sunlight? It becomes DAYTROGEN!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Every time I’m having a microwave meal, I turn on the movie “The Golden Eye”. The instructions say —Pierce film before cooking.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did Wendy do when Captain Hook frightened her? Peter Pans

  Tags: one-liners

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• Don't drink and drive, you'll spill your beer.

  Tags: one-liners

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• PSA: Please don't call them dwarves... It's not the proper gnomenclature.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat. And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's it called when a King and Queen have no children? A receding heir line...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10? I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"

  Tags: one-liners

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• The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Had a conversation with a Miner about the effects it had on the environment. The conversation got rocky.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I would tell you a joke about my shoe but I think I shoedn't.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call blueberries playing the guitar? A jam session.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• What is Green Arrow's superpower? He can turn left whenever he wants.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the worst name for a chain of restaurants? Dominoes

  Tags: one-liners

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• I had a really good joke... but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime

  Tags: one-liners

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• The worst thief ever came to my birthday party today. I mean, I've seen other thieves, but this one took the cake.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to use the stairs... one step at a time.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My Valentine is like the square root of -100... A 10, but imaginary

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why didn't 4 ask out 5? Because he was 22.

  Tags: one-liners

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• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I made a belt out of watches once... It was a complete waist of time.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons. I think I have telekinieces.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you run in front of a car you'll get tired... But if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just found out Canada isn’t real. Turns out it was all maple leaf.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the pencil cross the road? It was lead!

  Tags: puns

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• It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? Look for the fresh prints.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• My survey which I conducted said that 8 out of 4 people don't understand fractions.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How Can You Tell If a Man's a Redneck?

  If he concentrates on the bottle because it says, "from concentrate!"

  Tags: misc

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• My missus was furious at me for kicking dropped ice-cubes under the refrigerator. But now it's just water under the fridge.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When is a field hockey player like a judge? When she sits on the bench.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, sports

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