Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• Teenager: Dad, did you hear that Jake broke up with Taylor? Dad: Oh no, another album.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Courtney: Let's see who can stay up the longest tonight. Kaitlyn: I know! We'll pinch each other every ten minutes to make sure we don't fall asleep! Starting right NOW! Courtney: Hey, I'm not even tired! Kaitlyn: See, my plan is working!

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Q: What is the difference between a fish and a piano ? A: You can't tuna fish.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Why did Julie lose the race? Because Jodie won!

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• How do priests make Holy Water?They boil the hell out of it!

  Tags: heaven-and-hell

  Permalink

• Q: Why did George Washington sleep standing up? A: He couldn't lie.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why did the burglar hang his mugshot on the wall? To prove that he was framed!

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• Is your dad a baker? Because those buns are lookin' good! I lost my phone number, can I have yours?

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• A couple of Yogi Berra's team mates on the Yankees ball club swear that one night the stocky catcher was horrified to see a baby toppling off the roof of a cottage across the way from him. Yogi dashed over and made a miraculous catch - but then force of habit proved too much for him. He straightened up and threw the baby to second base.

  Tags: sports

  Permalink

• The secret to enjoying a good wine is: 1 - Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2 - When it does not breathe, give it mouth-to-mouth

  Tags: bar

  Permalink

• Have a funny story? Share it here.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Teacher: Larry, name two pronouns. Larry: Who, Me? Teacher: That answer is correct.

  Tags: children

  Permalink

• 1) Umm... 2) Well... 3) Hmmm, er... 4)

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• The can was invented quite a while before the can opener.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?" "I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."

  Tags: crazy-jokes

  Permalink

• Mom (Reprimandingly): Julia! How many times must I tell you not to pull the cat's tail? Julia (Innocently): But Mom, I'm only holding the tail. It's the cat that's doing the pulling.

  Tags: children

  Permalink

• Teacher: "Why does an elephant have a trunk?" Student: "Because it doesn't have a glove compartment!"

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• Why is marriage so much like a tornado? At first there is a lot of huffing and blowing, in the end someone loses their house.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What is a kangaroo's favorite restaurant? IHOP!

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• What's the difference between a duck and a spider? A duck has a web in its feet, a spider has its feet in a web!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I was talking to my sister's boyfriend one day and I asked him if prettyful was a word. He said, "Well, I use it a lot. Whenever I've just eaten and someone asks me if I'm hungry, I say 'I'm pretty full."

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Knock Knock! Who's there? Kanga. Kanga who? No! Kangaroo!

  Tags: knock-knock

  Permalink

• Surf's up

  I tried surfing the internet. The waves were terrible but the connection was great.

  Tags: tech, ocean

  Permalink

• What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• If winners never quit, and quitters never win... Who was the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead".

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• What is a tornado's favorite game to play? Twister!

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• One time, my teacher said to dump our Math books. Then she said to get your Social Studies book. Then that became history.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• A worried Father asked his daughter if her latest beau was serious about their relationship."I'll say he is Daddy." responded the girl."Just last nite he asked me how much you make, what kind of meals Mom serves and if you two are easy to get along with."

  Tags: family-parents

  Permalink

• What do birds give out on Halloween? Tweets.

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• Two wrongs do not make a right, but three rights make a left.

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• Q. How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker had for Christmas? A. He felt his presence!

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

  Tags: light-bulbs

  Permalink

• Why did the developer break up with their keyboard? It just wasn't their type anymore.

  Tags: classic, programming

  Permalink

• What do you call a short psychic on the lam? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A small medium at large!

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• An actual headline: "Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers"

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Teacher: "Simon! What does it mean if the barometer falls?" Simon: "Err.. The nail's come out of the wall, miss?"

  Tags: children

  Permalink

• Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball. "I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition." "Batted .007," his wife added.

  Tags: sports

  Permalink

• The problem with keeping an open mind is that all my ideas tend to fall out.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What do you give a sick lemon? Lemonaid.

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• A man goes into a restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order. "I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," he says. "But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter. "Oh," answers the man, "she'll order for herself."

  Tags: food-jokes

  Permalink

• Why do bears have hairy coats? Fur protection.

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• A guy goes up to his best friend and says, "Dude, I need you to do something for me, no questions asked." "Okay," says the friend. "What is it?" "I said no questions!"

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• A boy asked to his girl friends: What does a gay cow eat? all of his friends failed to answer. Then he stood up, and with a gay-est falsetto voice he said: Haaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy!!!

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Racing through the snow a onewarde southern sleigh, all the way we go bahing through the trees, the snow is turning red, I think i'm almost dead, all the children laugh and play around my stupid head!

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Here are two pick up lines: "Are you a Abercrombie model? Your not?!?!? You so should be!!" or "My friend (insert friend name here) thinks we should go out. Wanna?"

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Children certainly brighten up a home. Who ever saw a child under 12 turn off an electric light?

  Tags: children

  Permalink

• Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

  Why did the chicken cross the road? I don't know, ask the chicken!

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• You know something is wrong with today's educational system when you figure out that of the three R's, reading, writing, and arithmetic, only one actually starts with an R.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• "What I saw, it was burned into my mind forever." "Well, that explains the red markings on your scalp."

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• You can fool all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, and that should be sufficient for most purposes.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?About .....35 pounds

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Hey, wanna hear a joke? Parsing HTML with regex.

  Tags: classic, programming

  Permalink

• If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one great education!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• An American, a Frenchman and a Chinese went to try their echo; the American said, "Good morning," and the echo came back, "Good morninginginging." Then the Frenchman said, "Bon jour," and the echo came back "Bon jourjourjour." Then the Chinese said, "Chang chiong shang zhang hu," and the echo came back, "Whatwhatwhatwhat?"

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Dear son, Good luck with your exams tomorrow. I always think that it's best to stay up partying all of the night before an exam. Exam rooms are always a good place to catch up on sleep, because they're silent, and there's nothing to do in them anyway. Love, Dad

  Tags: college

  Permalink

• America is a land of untold wealth. - Internal Revenue Service.

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 50... 1 to hold the lightbulb, and 49 to drink 'till the room spins!

  Tags: light-bulbs

  Permalink

• Fill in the blank: The one who says it cannot be done should never _________ the one who is doing it. Interrupt.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Can you decipher this phrase? ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ 2 Mistletoe! (Miss L two.)

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• While driving to work, I found myself behind an old Ford Falcon, with five teenage boys inside. The best part was the bumper sticker in the center of the rear window. It read: DON'T LAUGH, YOUR DAUGHTER COULD BE IN HERE!

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• "Doctor, Doctor! My friend has only 59 seconds to live." "Don't worry, I'll be there in a minute."

  Tags: medical

  Permalink

• Phillip's teacher asks him, "Can you name the Great Lakes?" Phillip, always fast with an answer, pipes up with, "I don't need to. They've already been named."

  Tags: children

  Permalink

• Q: How many strongmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.

  Tags: light-bulbs

  Permalink

• Q: How many 'Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it.

  Tags: light-bulbs

  Permalink

• What's the best part about TCP jokes? I get to keep telling them until you get them.

  Tags: classic, programming

  Permalink

• What is this movie about? It is about 2 hours long.

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool a Mom.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What is a vampire's favorite holiday? Fangs-giving!

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• "Are you sure you don't want some Novocain?" asked the dentist. "I'm sure," replied the maharishi. "I wish to transcend dental medication."

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• A group of American tourists were on a guided tour through an ancient castle in Europe. "Ladies and gentlemen," the guide said, "this castle is over 700 years old. Nothing has been altered or touched in all those years." "Sounds like they have the same cheap landlord I have!" exclaimed one of the tourists.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• What is represented by this? DO WN Broken down!

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• What did one tradesman say to another? I hope you have a "barter" day tomorrow.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What do you call a woodpecker without a beak? A headbanger.

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• Why was Johnny's math book sad? It had too many problems!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• How many boy scouts does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three- Each to do one good turn daily.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Is that a mirror in your jeans? Because I can see myself in them.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Mary had a little lamb, fries and a coke.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Once a bird pooped on me, so I threw it back.

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• Mother to teenage daughter: "The bad news is, we're moving to a different city. The good news is, your new school is full of boys who didn't see you get sick in the cafeteria last month."

  Tags: children

  Permalink

• Two Arab fathers are showing each other their family photos. One shows the other a picture and says "This is my oldest, he is a martyr. This is my second oldest, he is also a martyr." The other Arab father just sighs and says "Ahh, they blow up so quickly these days!"

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• A SQL query walks into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks... 'Can I join you?'

  Tags: classic, programming

  Permalink

• Knock-knock Who's there? Olive Olive who? Olive you!!!

  Tags: knock-knock

  Permalink

• How do you get a mouse to smile? Say Cheese!

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• A gladiator was having a rough day at the arena-his opponent had sliced off both of his arms. Nevertheless, he fought on, kicking and biting as furiously as he could. But when his opponent lopped off both feet, the gladiator had no choice but to give up. He was now both unarmed and defeated.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?" The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant."

  Tags: at-work

  Permalink

• Then there was the neat nurse, who made the patient without disturbing the bed.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Q: How many IBM engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They merely change the standard to darkness and upgrade the customers.

  Tags: light-bulbs

  Permalink

• Texan: "Where are you from?" Harvard graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions." Texan: "OK, where are you from, Jackass?"

  Tags: college

  Permalink

• Q: Where can you find a dog with no legs?A:Right where you left it.

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships? So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• The teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his new checking account. "The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store," his mother said. "Oh good," he replied, "Now I can use it to buy some stereo equipment!"

  Tags: children

  Permalink

• Q) What do you call an ant from overseas? A) Important

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking female flies. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of horse manure and dives down toward her. "Pardon me," he says, turning on his best charm, "...but is this stool taken?"

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• Sign at an office: Would the person who removed the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• What's Gray, Has Four Legs, and a Trunk?

  What's gray, has four legs, and a trunk? A mouse on vacation.

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• An RCMP officer pulled over a vehicle that had performed a rolling stop at a stop sign. When the driver was told this, he replied, "But it says STOP, not STAY!"

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Two men held up a bank.They cleaned out the cash drawers and then herded the tellers and clerks into the vault.They were getting ready to make their getaway when one of the tellers whispered, "Hey, buddy, would you do me a favor?"One of the robbers said, "What's on your mind, pal?""Would you mind taking the books, too?I'm five thousand short."

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• It's okay to kiss a fool, and it's also okay to let a fool kiss you. But NEVER let a kiss fool you!

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• What Shall I Wear Today?

  Policeman to woman he's just stopped for speeding - "As soon as I saw you coming round the corner, I said to myself, 'Must be 55 at least'." "It's this dress, officer - it always make me look older!"

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• What starts with 'P' and ends in 'orn' : Popcorn

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• At a lecture series a very poor speaker was on the platform. As he was speaking, people began to get up and leave. It continued like this until there was only one person left in the audience. Finally the speaker stopped and asked the man why he stayed until the end. He replied, "I'm the other speaker. "

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Want to hear a chimney joke? Got stacks of em! First one's on the house

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• Can you decipher the following common phrase? AND ED Underhanded!

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• A mother complained to a doctor about her daughter's strange eating habits. "All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?" "Don't worry," said the doctor. "Eventually, she'll rise and shine.

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• Every time I hear the dirty word "Exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Here is a book never written. Extinction is Distinction by Dinah Soar

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Why didn't the zombie cross the road? Because he didn't have the guts!

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• How do you know that you're a computer geek? You catch a computer virus and take a virus scanning pill every week.

  Tags: tech

  Permalink

• Why do pirates not know the alphabet? They always get stuck at "C".

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• One to his friend: "My little brother started walking last week!" The other friend: "Where did he go? He should be kilometers away!"

  Tags: children

  Permalink

• An old guy goes to the doctor and gets some tests done. The doctor comes back from checking the results and says, "I have some bad news. You have cancer and you have Alzheimer's." The old man replies "Oh thank god I don't have cancer!"

  Tags: old-age

  Permalink

• Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb ? A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again. A: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.

  Tags: light-bulbs

  Permalink

• Doctor: What is it that brought you here? Patient: An ambulance. Why?

  Tags: medical

  Permalink

• Six-year-old Jerry came downstairs bellowing lustily. "What's the matter?" asked his mother. "Papa was hanging pictures, and he just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Jerry. "That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "A big man like you shouldn't cry at a trifle like that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did," sobbed Jerry.

  Tags: children

  Permalink

• Does Anybody Really Know What Time it Is?

  Little Brother: How long is a strong? Big Sister: Huh? Little Brother: Well, I've heard of a week...

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• If two's a company and three's a crowd... what's four and five? NINE!!!!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Antarctica is the driest, coldest, windiest and highest continent on earth. Panama is the only place in the world that you can see the sun rise on the Pacific and set on the Atlantic. The only lighthouse to use electricity was the Statue of Liberty. A honey bee can fly up to 15 m.p.h.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• -What do you call a dog in a submarine? -A sub-woofer.

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

  Tags: light-bulbs

  Permalink

• I'm trying computer dating, at least I'm not getting dumped... but I do get deleted.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What do vegetarian zombies eat? Grrrrrainnnnnssss.

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• A boss of a computer company walked up to one of his workers. "You're fired!" exclaimed the boss. "I didn't do anything!" replied the confused worker. The boss, happy with his answer, says, "I know. That's why you're fired!"

  Tags: at-work

  Permalink

• How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant? He forgot to wrap the "Whopper"!!!

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb? A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list.

  Tags: light-bulbs

  Permalink

• If you invited all the alphabet to tea who would be late? The letters 'UVWXYZ' because they all come after 'T'.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

  Tags: children

  Permalink

• I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter. - Tommy Cooper

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Q: how many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb? A: the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if you knew how many. Notes: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls

  Tags: light-bulbs

  Permalink

• To understand what recursion is... You must first understand what recursion is

  Tags: classic, programming

  Permalink

• Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? A: About one third less than for a regular bulb.

  Tags: light-bulbs

  Permalink

• Johnny: "Dad, stop drinking my root beer!!! Do I get free refills?" Dad: "Sure -- I backwashed!"

  Tags: children

  Permalink

• Why did the chicken get a penalty? For fowl play.

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• There were some kids playing hopscotch and they were allowed to skip so when the winner was on 8 it went straight to 10

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• I hear some rich guy wants to build a tavern at the top of Mount Everest. Talk about raising the bar high!

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• In a Recent Survey . . .

  In a recent survey, 4% of men preferred fat legs; 6% preferred skinny legs; while 90% preferred something in between.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms?"

  Tags: children

  Permalink

• A British girl recently moved to the United States and their home was near the Colorado River in Texas. The English teacher asked the kids to write about their home and neighborhood. The British girl wrote "My home is near the Colourado River." as part of her work.

  Tags: children

  Permalink

• My survey which I conducted said that 8 out of 4 people don't understand fractions.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Don't look at the eclipse through a colander. You'll strain your eyes.

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• Confucius say... ~He who value skin does not wash cat

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach? To keep his nuts warm!

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• Why did the boy buy a new bum? Coz his had a crack in it.

  Tags: children

  Permalink

• The bartender at our golf club named a drink Lilac Crazy in honour of one of the members. Every time the member came to the 19th hole, that's exactly what he did.

  Tags: sports

  Permalink

• How do you get pikachu on a bus? You pokemon.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• I went into the kitchen, and there was a tap on the window. Not using that plumber again!

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• What does a Mexican firefighter name his twin sons? Jose and Josbe

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Knock-Knock Who's there? Who's There. Who's there Who? I'm supposed to say Who's there!

  Tags: knock-knock

  Permalink

• GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie Kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play He kissed them as well, he's funny that way.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• What did the statue say to the other after a break-up and make-up? I'm sorry I took you for granite. (granted) hahahaha

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Santa? Nothing, they both leave children's bedrooms with empty sacks!

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• What happens when you anger a brain surgeon? They will give you a piece of your mind.

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• Make sure you are in a public place with a lot of people around. Sniff the air a couple of times (make sure it is loud sniffs). Turn to you wife and say in a loud voice "Hey honey did you fart?!".

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb? A: Many hands make light work.

  Tags: light-bulbs

  Permalink

• There are these kids at school, each bragging about how they ruined something in an amount of time. 1st kid: I wore out a pair of shoes in 1 month. 2nd kid: I wore out a pair of jeans in 1 week. 3rd kid: Oh that's nothing, I wore out my babysitter in 5 minutes!

  Tags: children

  Permalink

• Q: What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? A: Bacon and legs

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• Why do chicken coops have two doors? Because if it had four doors it'd be a chicken sedan.

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says "What is this - some kind of joke?"

  Tags: bar

  Permalink

• Two ducks walk into a bar... One duck looks at the other and says "Guess you didn't see it either."

  Tags: bar

  Permalink

• Q: Why do elephants paint their toes yellow? A: So they can hide upside down in the custard.

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• A tutor who tooted the flute Tried to teach two young tooters to toot Said the two to the tutor Is it harder to toot or To tutor two tooters to toot?

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Where do fish keep their life savings? At the river bank!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I joined a health club last year, spent about $400, and haven't lost a pound. Apparently, you have to show up.

  Tags: sports

  Permalink

• Little four-year-old Jenny was looking at her new baby brother for the first time. He was fast asleep. After staring at her tiny, motionless baby brother for a few minutes, Jenny looked up at her mother and asked plaintively, "Didn't he come with batteries?"

  Tags: children

  Permalink

• Q :whats the best thing about children? A :making them!!

  Tags: children

  Permalink

• Poise: the ability to continue speaking fluently while the other fellow is picking up the cheque.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• When is it Michael Jackson's bed time? When the little hand meets the big hand.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Once i bought a squirrel and I named it Melinda, and then I gave it food and then it died! Now I have a box named Joice Ann and I gave it some water and it fell down and then it died!

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• Miss Blue(Teacher):"2 x 2 = 4, 4 x 4 = 16, and now, Brian, what is 16 x 16?" Brian(Pupil): "You cheated, Miss Blue. You always take the easy one and give us the hardest."

  Tags: college

  Permalink

• Q: Why is an elephant gray, large and wrinkled? A: Because if it were small, round, and white, it would be an aspirin. Q:What did the cat who had no money say?A:I'm paw.Q: What do you get if you cross an alley cat with a Chinese cat?A: A Peking Tom.Q: What happened to the cat that swallowed a ball of wool?A: She had mittens.

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• Activate your own virus... type "WIN" at the prompt.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What movie is really the sequel to April Fools? The May-Tricks

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Please choose and acceptable rating for the joke(G=for all ages; PG=mild PG-13=really violent R=Explicit) before you submit it. People of different ages and preferences read different jokes on this website. If you give a G rating to a dirty joke, some users may get upset and rank your joke poorly. For more information, please read our FAQ.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• A man was walking through Beverly Hills selling door to door what he claimed to be the "Magic Elixir of Life". Of course, the police arrested him and ran a computer check of him. They found the man had quite a long record of such dealings. He was first arrested for that type of crime in 1660.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Why did the barber win the race? He took a short cut.

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• I was eating a fruit rollup once, you know, with the paper on the bottom...well the instructions were "Do not eat paper." Noooo! I thought the paper was part of the snack!!

  Tags: sports

  Permalink

• Once, a teacher was showing a child a picture of a firefighter taking a child out of a burning building. The teacher asked what that was. The child replied,"A pregnant firefighter." Instead of scolding him, she calmly asked,"Do you know what pregnant means?" The little boy just said, "Yes, it means to be carrying a child."

  Tags: children

  Permalink

• With over %d jokes submitted and ranked by users like you, Wocka has the largest collection anywhere on the internet. All of these jokes have been submitted by user like you. Join our community and chat with your fellow commedians and jokers.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can't hear an enzyme!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Recently, Today Tonight have held a survey. The results indicate that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.

  Tags: at-work

  Permalink

• why did the 1 handed man cross the road??to get to the second hand shop

  Tags: men

  Permalink

• There is a lot of talk about the United Nations creating a combined strike force with troops from several nations included in it. Could it work? Let's take a look at one operation. A combined force beach landing on a tropical island. When the troops hit the beach...

  Tags: military

  Permalink

• Why do bees hum? Because they don't know the words.

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• "Hillary's got this huge book, it's a memoir of her life and times at the White House. In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said 'I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air.' No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said." - David Letterman

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• If all those sweet young things were laid end to end – I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital? The hip Doctor!

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• A chicken and an egg check into a cheap motel room.Moments later the chicken sits up against the headboard and lights a cigarette. The egg says, "Well, that settles that."

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• The median of the list n; n+3, n+4; n+5; n+6; n+8; n+10; n+12; n+15 is 10. What is the mean? What is the median and what is the mean? There are 9 numbers, and the median is the 5th number n+6. Compare each number with the median, the mean is 10+(-6-3-2-1+2+4+6+9)/9=11.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• You have a million cows. Most of them are illegals.

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• CAT 1- So how'd that milk drinking contest go? CAT 2- Oh, I won by six laps.

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, "I love you." The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?" The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine."

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again... It was probably worth it.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? A: Because it had no body to go with.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• What is another word for Thesaurus?

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Did you ever notice...?

  Did you ever notice that a lot of people will do just about anything to get attention? Like putting jokes up on a website! P.S I love Wocka.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Q.Where do tough chickens come from? A.Hard boiled eggs!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why is Mississippi River unusual? Because it has four eyes and can't see!

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock? Because it's a little meteor.

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• Is one Nobel Prize so much to ask from a child after all I've done?

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• My grandson is four and can recite the whole Gettysburg Address. Abraham Lincoln couldn't do it until he was fifty-four. - Sam Levenson.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• If a lawyer can be disbarred can a musician be denoted or a model deposed?

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• So there's this Wizard who worked in a factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following sign: "This parking space belongs to the Wizard. ... Violators will be toad."

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• Q. Why are 1990 American dollar bills worth more than 1989 American dollar bills? A. One thousand nine hundred and ninety dollar bills are worth one dollar more than one thousand nine hundred and eighty-nine dollar bills.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• What was the last thing that Abraham Lincoln did? He died.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• "I caught a 250-pound marlin the other day!""That's nothing. I was fishing the other day and hooked a lamp from an old Spanish ship. In fact, the light was still lit!""If you bow out the light, I'll take 200 pounds off the marlin. "

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• A man dropped by his friend's house to pay him a visit and was amazed to see him playing a game of chess with his dog. After a few minutes he burst out with, "That's the most incredible dog I've ever seen!""Oh he isn't so smart," was the answer. "I've beaten him three games out of four.

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• What did the spaghetti say to the other spaghetti? Pasta la vista, baby!

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern? You use a pumpkin patch.

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• I wanted to learn how to make ice cream, so I started attending sundae school.

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• "I have a bad headache. I'll visit the doctor.""Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, gave a big kiss to my wife and the pain disappeared. Why don't you try it?""Good idea, call up your wife and tell her I'll be right over."

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Famous last words: "Ok, I'm only going to have one..." -- Said the polygamist right after marrying his first wife.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Did you hear about the new dictionary for masochists? It has all the words, but they're not in alphabetical order.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• "Your late teeing off, Fred." "Yup, well being Sunday I had to toss a coin to see if I should go to church, or to play golf" "But why are you so late?" "I had to toss for it fifteen times!"

  Tags: sports

  Permalink

• Ewww! (Mik And Mak from Bad News are Back!)

  Mik: "Do skunks have a good sense of smell?" Mak: "No! If they did, they'd jump off a cliff!"

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• Please submit any comments you have using this form: Your Email Address: Message: Send Feedback

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• Q: How many Floridians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Don't know for sure, they're still counting.

  Tags: light-bulbs

  Permalink

• What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• If I travelled to the end of the rainbow, As Dame Fortune did intend, Murphy would be there to tell me, The pot's at the other end.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!!!

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Q: What is the difference between a plate and a booger? A: The plate is on the table, but the booger is under the table. Q: What is the difference between a prince and a booger? A: The prince is the heir to the throne, but the booger is thrown to the air.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Q: What's weirder than a talking dog? A: A spelling bee!

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• Two cows were standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• Why Does a Duck Cross the Street?

  Why does a duck cross the street? Because it was the chicken's and turkey's day off.

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• Dad, have you got a ladder? Yes; why? I have to write an essay on an elephant!

  Tags: children

  Permalink

• The skeleton walked into the bar and asked, "Can I have a beer and a mop?"

  Tags: bar

  Permalink