Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• My uncle is very superstitious. He won't work any week that has a Friday in it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A A A A K = biggest 4 of a kind.

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• Why do tigers always beat cheetahs at hide-and-seek? They've never been spotted.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What do you get when you drop the croissant your aunt made.. A cross aunt

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• I love throwing house warming parties. But for some reason the police keep calling it 'Arson'.

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• What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze pilots say to his students? Watch closely. I’m only going to do this once.

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• Why do hockey rinks have curved corners? Because if they were 90 degrees, the ice would melt.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Why isn't there a tax on stuff I DON'T like?

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• What do you call a wandering caveman? A Meanderthal.

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• Can radio be an addiction? Depends on the frequency.

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• You could say a lot of bad things about Switzerland. But their flag is a big plus.

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• I used to own a racing snail... It never won though. To improve its performance I removed its shell but, if anything, it made it more sluggish

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• Why do hipsters love Raiders of the Lost Ark? Because it's the first Indy movie.

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• Diner: Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?Waiter: Look's like the backstroke sir!

  Tags: misc

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• I used to steal comedians' jokes and not credit them. I still do, but I used to, too.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why was the sick eagle thrown into prison? It was ill-eagle.

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• Period- The thing at the end of a sentence.

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• I don't always tell dad jokes. But when I do, he laughs

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• I'm trying computer dating, at least I'm not getting dumped... but I do get deleted.

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• I went to my local self defense gym and asked if I can take 2 classes today. They said no. “You can taekwondo”

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• Calculators May Be Ugly On The Outside. But Its What's On The Inside That Counts.

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• Why is Antarctica sad? cuz it's iceolated....

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• What materials do fruits use for walkways? Pomegranate

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• We thought it was our ability to love that made us human, but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A TRUCK.

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• Jokes about unemployed people are not funny... They just don't work.

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• The other day I held the door for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

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• "Master Yoda, are we on the right track?" "Off course, we are.."

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• I made an outfit from asphalt. I'm going for the street look.

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• How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper? Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

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• The similarity of all the people that live is that they are alive and they are living.

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• Hey girl, are you my Physics examination paper? Because I can stare at you for 3 hours and not understand a single thing

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.

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• I was wondering what my parents did without the internet. and none of my 7 siblings could tell me

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• Why were all the computers in the company frozen? Because they let IT go

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• Who is the worst spy in history? James Bond. Because everyone knows him.

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• I bought a universal remote the other day. and I thought to myself "Wow, this changes everything!"

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• Liquor probably won't fix your problems... but it's worth a shot.

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• This fibonacci joke. is as bad as the last two you heard combined

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• And the award for best neckwear goes to... huh, well would you look at that. It was a tie

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• What packs a punch in your pants? Boxers.

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• Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep.

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• What did the lead singer of Queen say when he saw his shadow? "I see a little silhouetto of a man!"

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• How are peanut butter and jelly related? They're inbred

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• The guy at my local music shop asked me why I'm always coming in to buy new harmonicas. I told him "I blow right through them"

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• My son is proof that anyone can be successful enough to drive a BMW or Mercedes. And besides, he looks so cute in his valet parking attendant uniform.

  Tags: misc

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• When life hands you melons... You might be dyslexic.

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• Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

  Tags: animal

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• What if there were no hypothetical questions?Why does the word 'monosyllabic' have so many syllables?

  Tags: misc

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• 5 years from now it'll be 2020... I can see it now... That's a perfect vision joke.

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• Why doesn't Michael Jackson drink coffee? Because he prefers "Tea-hee!"

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...

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• Pavlov is sitting at a bar when another patron walks in and a bell on the door rings. Pavlov stands up, says, "I forgot to feed the dogs," and leaves.

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• I found my first grey pubic hair today. However, i didn't freak out about it like the other people in the elevator.

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• If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.

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• It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France; otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation

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• Why do they have braille on drive-thru ATMs?

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• The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of bread.

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• If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!

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• People make such a big deal about vegans, but I don't get it. I've never had a beef with one.

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• What's an advantage of being Swiss? The flag is a big plus.

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• What did the Squirtle say to the Charmander? Squirtle

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• Whats a cat's favorite cereal?? Mice Crispies

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Rick Astley will lend you any of the Pixar films in his collection, except one. He's never gonna give you Up.

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• My friends keep telling me to stop impersonating butter. But I can't. I'm on a roll now

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• How did Pinocchio discover he was made of wood? His hand caught on fire

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• Did you know that you can fit any boat on your head like a hat, if you flip it over? That makes it cap sized

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• A professional limboer walks into a bar. He was disqualified from the competition.

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• I have a copy of nearly every Psychology Today magazine ever published. You could say I have a lot of issues.

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• Politics comes from the root "poli-", which means many, and "-tics", which means, blood-sucking creatures.

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• Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college. I don't think I can ever repay you.

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• It's crazy how sexist the postal service is. I guess that's natural with such a mail dominated industry.

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• Is your refrigerator running? Because I'd vote for it.

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• My friend, Ming, told me that I would look more professional if I stop wearing my funny bow tie. I responded, "But I am nothing without my comedic tie, Ming."

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• Joke my kid made up when he was like 4.... What do you call an angry shopper using bad words? A cussomer.

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• My ex-gf invited me to her wedding. Told her I was busy, will be there next time

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• What animal is 80% wool? A woolf.

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• When you have finished reading the dictionary? Every other book is just a remix.

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• I gave up Thai boxing because I felt the Thais were getting fed up being put in boxes.

  Tags: puns

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• What do you name a tricky pig? Cunningham

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• I'm positive I lost an electron better keep an ion that.

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• Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.

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• Every time I’m having a microwave meal, I turn on the movie “The Golden Eye”. The instructions say —Pierce film before cooking.

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• Have you heard about the boss who got their foot stuck in an electrical cord? >!They went on a power trip!<

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• What did the evil fraction say? You will never stop my plans for world denomination.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Fun fact. Before the invention of the crow bar most crows got drunk at home

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• My friend text me 'what are you doing now?' I replied 'Probably failing my driving test'.

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• It's so cold outside. I saw a politican with his hands in his own pockets.

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• What is the difference between a dollar and a ruble ? A dollar.

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• I had coffee with Red Bull this morning... After about 10 minutes on the highway, I realized I left my car at home.

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• My friend asked me if the new Star Wars was in 3D and I said, yes, but they R2D2.

  Tags: one-liners

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• what is an English teachers favorite cereal? Synonym toast crunch

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Silence is golden, because you never have to explain something you didn't say.

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• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

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• What does a triangle call a circle? Pointless.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Here's a FedEx joke. Actually, you'll get it tomorrow

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have a fear of elevators but I'm taking steps to avoid it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

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• Dogs can't operate an Mri machines... But catscan

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• Will carrying a torch save you from an attacking bear? Depends on how fast you can carry it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you get when you cross elephant DNA with Human DNA? A lifetime ban from the zoo.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• You can freeze a human to -273.15 C. He'd be 0K.

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• What do you call a snobby criminal walking down the steps? A condescending con descending.

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• Do you know why I don't eat at Chili's or Applebee's? Because i'm old enough to microwave my own food...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Of all the inventions of the last 100 years... the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable

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• I ́ve just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody! I think it was filmed in a cinema though, as I see a little silhouetto of a man.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The other day I went to a zoo, but the only animal there was a dog. It was a shihtzu.

  Tags: puns

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• Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

  Tags: one-liners

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• what's a zombie's favorite cereal? Brain Flakes

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Why does Quentin Tarantino refuse to make movies with digital cinematography? Because he's the reel deal.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How can you tell if an arrow is nervous? See if it quivers.

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• A fool and his money are soon partying.

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• Did you know that you can actually jump into a volcano? But only once.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

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• Everyone seems normal until you get to know them

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• There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who thought they knew what the punchline would be, and those who are now searching for the original joke.

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• What do you call a toxic work environment? A staff infection

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• Why don't aliens visit Earth? Bc we have 1 star rating...

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• Wear tank tops and support your right to bare arms.

  Tags: puns

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• I was writing a joke about a stone rolling up a hill, but it lost momentum. It still has potential.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I hate the misuse of Latin phrases and vice versa.

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• I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it

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• Why can’t the Minnesota Vikings eat cereal for breakfast? They choke when they get too close to a bowl.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Why don't salmon watch cable television? They prefer streams.

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• Two guys walk into a bar: "Ouch! Oof!"

  Tags: misc

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• If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the console gamer cross the road? To render the other side

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• What do you buy an Archer that likes flowers? A rose

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• Why is the south bad at calculus? They don't know how to integrate.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• What kind of fish is made of only two sodium atoms? 2Na

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• What do you call tension in the percussion section? Druma

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• The Earth's surface is 70% water. That water is uncarbonated. Therefore, the Earth is flat.

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• When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

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• What did Yoda say when he watched Star Wars on Blu-Ray? HDMI

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• LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

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• Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 didn't have a removable battery and blew up in everybody's pocket

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• What’s worse than a box full of snakes? A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes.

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• A person soon learns how little he knows when a child begins to ask questions.

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• I just grilled a chicken for 8 hours. And it still didn't tell me why it crossed the road.

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• Why do you Drive on the Parkway but Park on the Driveway?

  Tags: puns

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• If a buffalo and baboon mated... Their child would be a real buffoon.

  Tags: one-liners

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• 'Do Not Touch' Must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille

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• A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money, so I woke up and searched with him.

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• "Hello, is this anonymous NSA hotline?" "Yes, David, how can we help you?"

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• My family treats me like a god. They only talk to me when they want something.

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• What's green and goes camping?A boy sprout!

  Tags: misc

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• A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The girl replied, "Thanks for the Baghdad"

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• The invention of the spoon was an important point in human history. It caused...quite a stir.

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• Did you hear about the pessimist who hates sausage? They say he fears the wurst

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• From the 7 year old nephew: Why didn't the volcano eat dinner? Because its plates were broken.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Did you hear about the pasta and its cooking water? Their relationship was strained.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• A Canadian walks into a cafe, and the barista asks, "Would you like a latte?" And the Canadian responds to him "Nah, just a bit, eh."

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• There are three kinds of people in this world, those who can count, and those who can not!

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• Why hasn't Africa ever won Olympic gold in basketball? Because Africa isn't a country.

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• Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

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• Q. What's the best kind of triangle to ask out on a date? A. Acute Triangle

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Russian history in 5 words: "And then things got worse."

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam".

  Tags: animal

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• What walks on eight legs until the age of one, four legs until the age of twenty, and two legs after? The Weasley twins

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• What happens if you steel? You have to get Alloy-er

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• why does the helicopter shave every day? He grows apache beard

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• What do they call shoes with wheels in Africa? SwaHeeleys.

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• The creator of WinRAR was arrested and put on trial. The trial was supposed to last 40 days, but it keeps on going

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• How is it we look in a dictionary to figure out how to spell something if we don't know how to spell it?

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• The World is $7 trillion in debt.... Just exactly which planet do we owe it to?

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• What's the difference between a drama student and a government savings bond? The government savings bond eventually matures and earns money.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a boat driving in circles for a student's education? An In-Turn Ship!

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• Two FBI agents search an office and find a hard drive with "KGB" on it... One of the agents asks the other, "Why didn't they just write '1 TB' instead?"

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• Villain : Why is my calendar wrapped in aluminium? Superhero : I’ve foiled your plan.

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• For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

  Tags: misc

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• One time I went school shopping... AND BOUGHT THREE SCHOOLS!!!

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• "Doctor, Every time I drink coffee I get pain in my eye." "Take the spoon out of your cup."

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Errors are red, the screen is in blue. I think you just deleted system32

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• I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.

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• Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

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• Team has no "I" in it, but it does have a "M" and "E" in it, making "me".

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• How do you refer to someone who got over their anxiety? Past tense

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• What do they call the Hunger Games in France? Battle Royale with Cheese.

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• Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.

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• Did you hear about the tree that made an Ash of itself?

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• I don't have time for the Fall Equinox. But if you check back with me at Daylight Savings Time I should have an extra hour...

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• Why couldn’t the beekeeper afford a GPS device? Because honey can’t buy mappiness.

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• A Three legged dog walks into the old wild west saloon. He says to the bartender, "I'm lookin' fer the guy who shot my paw."

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• Where did Captain Hook buy his hook at? The second hand store.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A bag of Cheetos has a contest. It says "No Purchase neccesary" but the code is on the inside...

  Tags: misc

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• How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music? They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow -- even during a hurricane! -- here is a valuable tip: Your life is in trouble.

  Tags: sports

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• What do you call the single grain of corn on the tree? Acorn

  Tags: one-liners

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• I recently had a heated debate with a mathematician about fractions. It's fair to say that our opinions were divided

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Popped a tire on a pot hole today. Badum tss

  Tags: one-liners

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• 10, 27, 28, 30, 32 walk into a bar... 10 says "I'm drinking age, I swear!" The bartender says "Outlier!"

  Tags: one-liners

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• An Irish man walks out of a bar..............Hey, It could happen

  Tags: bar

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• If at first you don't succeed ... avoid skydiving.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Burned my Hawaiian pizza... Should have put it on aloha temperature.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I almost got busted for shoplifting candy today... But I got out of it. I've got a couple of twix up my sleeve.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My uncle has the heart of a lion, the eyes of a hawk, and the legs of a cheetah. He's also a trained taxidermist

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I had a really good joke... but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did princess peach begin to choke? Because Mario came down the wrong pipe

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why didn't the green pepper practice archery? Because it didn't habanero.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. Turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the budget division tell the paper in rock, paper, scissors they were getting rid of it? “Because budget cuts, paper”

  Tags: one-liners

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• People use to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian" Well nobody is laughing now.

  Tags: one-liners

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• As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many "sup dude"s does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, it's already lit fam.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why can't proctologists get out of debt? They're always in arrears.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II. I mean, there were red flags everywhere.

  Tags: one-liners

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• alarm clock, n. a device for waking up people who don't have small children

  Tags: misc

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• How many Tenors does it take to screw in a Lightbulb? Trick Question. They only think they can reach that high.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's a comedians least favorite drink? Booze

  Tags: one-liners

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• Cereal first or milk first? Neither. Bowl first.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Why did Leonardo DiCaprio laugh at the Oscar joke? Because he finally got it

  Tags: one-liners

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• Can you conquer the largest continent on earth? No, but Genghis Khan!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are Pokemon considered manly in Peru? It all dates back to the time of Macho-Pikachu

  Tags: one-liners

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• Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning. I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• You might be a redneck if you have to haul a paint can to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.

  Tags: misc

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• If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY. That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is CoD: Infinite Warfare set in space? Because no one on earth wants to buy it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You’re riding a giraffe and a tiger is chasing you.. What do you do? You get off the merry-go-round

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I saw my neighbour going outside again and again to check his mailbox. When I asked why is he doing that, he replied - My computer says I have got mail.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I burned my Hawaiian pizza today... I guess i should have put the oven on aloha setting

  Tags: one-liners

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• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a vehicle with no fuel in Africa? Outtagascar

  Tags: one-liners

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• You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself any time.

  Tags: one-liners

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• There’s a virus that makes us forget 80s music. It may be spreading. No one knows the Cure

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• I told my boss 3 companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my present job. He asked which 3 were interested. I said the gas, electric and cable.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My Valentine is like the square root of -100... A 10, but imaginary

  Tags: one-liners

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• Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to fine art.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Actual bumper sticker on a jeep (the writing was upside down). "If you can read this, flip me over!"

  Tags: misc

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• What do you call an imaginary color? A pigment of your imagination.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My calculator broke again, but I'm not surprised. In fact, I was counting on it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Whats better than roses on a piano? tulips on an organ...

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's a tiger running a copying machine called? A copycat

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I have a hemp welcome mat. Some view it as a gateway rug.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know

  Tags: one-liners

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• 365.25 days on a low-calorie diet - 1 lite year

  Tags: misc

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• I had a detention for only using uppercase letters today. Stupid capital punishment

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler!

  Tags: one-liners

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• A Serbian tennis player walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of Djok?"

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• How do you make holy water? You take ordinary tap water and boil the hell out of it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.

  Tags: misc

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• How do you turn a seal into a sea lion? Remove an electron.

  Tags: one-liners

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