Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• Why do people ask me if I'm "hiding", if I was hiding you wouldn't see me!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a super hero completely made of ice? Justice

  Tags: one-liners

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• I am amazing at managing my credit card. My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters? He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm not trying to boss you around just do what I say.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I’m addicted to seaweed. I must seek kelp.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A joke my dad used to tell me when I was a kid. I love you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!

  Tags: one-liners

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• "If two wrongs don't make a right, what do two rights make?" An Airplane

  Tags: one-liners

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• I work out almost every day. Friday I almost worked out, Saturday I almost worked out, Sunday I almost worked out...

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• To kick start my New Year: I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Tried changing my password to "14days" but it was two week

  Tags: one-liners

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• A guy in a plane stood up shouted “HIJACK!”. All passengers got scared . . . Then from the other end of the plane a guy shouted back, . . . “Hi JOHN”

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines. He’s a Singer songwriter or sew it seams

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• Where do admins go for summer break? Banned camp.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's a Boeing employee's favorite time of day? 7:47

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do detained criminals contact their families? They face time

  Tags: one-liners

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• You know when donkey followed Shrek home and just kept talking? That's what it's like having kids.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Have you heard about the street performer who did his act in the middle of a hurricane? It was mime-blowing

  Tags: one-liners

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• I found my son playing with a voodoo doll. He had already promised that he would stop. It really felt like I got stabbed in the back.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts. Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think

  Tags: one-liners

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• Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What sound does a Turkey make? "coup coup"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won't remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wanted to make a joke about criminals, but I was scared it would get stolen.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Somebody actually complimented me on my parking today. They left a note on the windscreen. It said, "Parking fine", so that was nice.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How old was the cave man on his birthday? Stone Age

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• I asked my buddy if he always puts an orange wedge in his beer. He said, "Ehh not really. Maybe once in a Blue Moon."

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• I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have like 50 jokes about the unemployed. Trouble is, none of them work.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Don't be irreplaceable - if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Bullets are so weird. They only do their job AFTER they’re fired

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call an elephant chasing a cat? Depends on what his name is.....

  Tags: animal

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• What's it called when you apologize using dots and dashes? Remorse code

  Tags: one-liners

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• What kind of pants does a cave explorer wear? Stalac-tights

  Tags: one-liners

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• I used to a fan of evolution. But then I have evolved.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I think it's ridiculous that people are letting off fireworks in September, my cat was so scared he ran up the Christmas tree.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Where does a dog go when he loses his tail? a retail store

  Tags: one-liners

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• Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "I'm sorry" and "I apologise" usually mean the same thing. ...except at a funeral

  Tags: one-liners

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• My therapist told me that I have extreme difficulty in vocalizing my emotions. Can’t say that I’m surprised.

  Tags: one-liners

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• An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A music note walks into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, you're A Minor, we can't serve you."

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• Fun fact. Before the invention of the crow bar most crows got drunk at home

  Tags: one-liners

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• Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler...

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don’t like the word xenophobia. It sounds so foreign.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm here for whatever you need me to do from the couch.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine? He fell in love with a pincushion!

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What is the chemical composition of banana? Barium disodium

  Tags: one-liners

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• Just got a job as senior director at Old MacDonald's Farm... I’m the CIEIO

  Tags: one-liners

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• My Sister was crying so I asked her if she was having a cry-sis.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why. He said "inflation"

  Tags: one-liners

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• I recently quit my job at the orange juice factory...... I just couldn’t concentrate.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why can a 747 never crash? When it hits the ground it goes 'boeing'

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I had a dime for every time I didn't understand what's going on. I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• I crossed the road, walked into a bar, and changed a lightbulb. Then I realized that my life was a joke...

  Tags: one-liners

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• If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then lefties are the only ones in their right mind.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does a triangle call a circle? Pointless.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• called the UPS office in Germany to ask if they were sending out my Oculus Rift. they said VR ready

  Tags: one-liners

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• Set your WiFi password to 2444666668888888. So when someone asks tell them it’s 12345678

  Tags: one-liners

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• You can never enjoy a game of Chess against an Australian. Everytime he checks, you'll think he's won the game.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

  Tags: misc

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• Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl. Then she noticed me so we went for a run.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What type of pasta is best eaten on its own? Ravi-lonely.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut? I'm a cashew

  Tags: one-liners

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• In Laughter, the L comes first. The rest of the letters come aughter it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My neighbors listen to awesome music. whether they like it or not.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is Gepetto's favorite cereal? I know you think it's Pinnochi-o's, but it's actually Cheerios. They're whittle o's. Though I guess both woodwork.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Want to hear a construction joke? I'm still working on it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many Microsoft executives does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They just redefine 'darkness' as an industry standard.

  Tags: one-liners

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• This is not what adulthood looked like in the brochure.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Children are the leading cause of old age.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you ever feel your job is meaningless... Just remember that it's somebody's job to install turn signals to BMW's

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have a fear of elevators but I'm taking steps to avoid it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are badminton players so loud? Because they are always making a racket!

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• I've only been wrong once, and that's when I thought I was wrong.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wonder how many miles I've scrolled with my thumb.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is an extreme sport? Doing you homework, while the teacher is collecting it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Every time I hear the dirty word "Exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

  Tags: misc

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• What is the best Christmas present ever? A broken drum - you can't beat it!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Brazil is playing tomorrow and I'm betting that Neymar is ready to roll.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's a pirate's least favorite letter? Dear sir, we are writing to inform you that you have violated the copyright agreement..

  Tags: one-liners

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• Don't you dare hit that drum again! If you do, there will be repercussions!

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• Do you know why there's no gambling in Africa? Because there are too many cheetahs.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• In the movie 'The Hunt for Red October' ... the entire story is the sub-plot.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a man with 6,022 x 10^23 dollars? A Moleionaire

  Tags: one-liners

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• Recursion

  To understand recursion, you must first understand recursion.

  Tags: tech, one-liner

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• There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Eyelashes are supposed to prevent things from getting into your eyes but when I do have something in my eye it's always an eyelash. Eyeronic.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sometimes when I feel lonely I buy some stocks. Its nice to have a bit of company

  Tags: one-liners

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• I asked a chef if he ever served a steak raw.. He said yeah but it’s rare.

  Tags: one-liners

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• There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does George Washington have in common with Aunt Petunia from Harry Potter? They both went to Mount Vernon.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing? and delivery

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you comfort a grieving sushi chef? Wasabi for your loss.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I told him, "My door is always open".

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• How do you talk with bacteria? By cellphone.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend and I signed up to win a lifetime supply of skin lotion. He won and I didn't. The worst part is that he keeps rubbing it in.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I can hear music coming out of my printer... I think the papers jammin' again

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why doesn't the glue inside the bottle dry?

  Tags: one-liners

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• If nobody is perfect, and I'm a nobody, am I perfect?

  Tags: deep-thoughts

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• Orion's Belt is a waist of space. Bad pun, I know. 3 stars at best.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "When one door closes another door opens" he said. "That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around? Holmeless.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I am busy contemplating my future. Don't worry, this will only take a minute.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When I play rock, paper, scissors, people think I always choose scissors. They're wrong. I'm actually flashing a peace sign. Stop the violence.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A man walks into the doctors and the doctor says, "I've not seen you for a while." The man replies, "Yes, I've been ill."

  Tags: one-liners, medical

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• My bank has a new feature where they'll text you your bank balance. I think it's pretty cool. I just don't think they should end the text with "LOL", though.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• We all know where the Big Apple is... But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Neil Degrasse Tyson and Mike Tyson have something common... I don't understand what either one is saying, but I know I'll end up seeing stars.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

  Tags: crazy-jokes

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• They should stock ATM's better. I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Burned my Hawaiian pizza... Should have put it on aloha temperature.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are Fathers like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.

  Tags: tech

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• A plateau. Is the highest form of flattery.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is faster than a calculator? A Calcu-now.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Facebook should have a limit on times you can update your relationship status, after 3 it should default to 'unstable'.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Two Teemos sit in a brush. One says to the other "There's not mushroom in here"

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just got this sick job at the Calendar factory. Unfortunately, I still can't get a date.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I am probably single....because i didnt forward those chain messages in 2008

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you get when you cross a parrot and a centipede?A walkie-talkie.

  Tags: misc

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• what kind of music sinks to the bottom of the ocean? Heavy rock

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don't show up.

  Tags: one-liners, medical

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• There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of you will get this

  Tags: one-liners

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• ___________________________________. With all the bad jokes going around, I had to draw the line somewhere.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Any wire cut to length will be too short.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sorry I missed your call, I was busy seeing how many times my phone would ring before you gave up.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A pasta chef was caught stuffing the ballot boxes at a big Broadway awards show. Apparently, he was trying to rig a Tony.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's a Jedi's favorite brand of vodka? Skyy. Only Sith deal in Absolut.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a cheetah that's been eaten? Fast food.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Can't decide if I want to steal some bikes or visit a heavy metal legend.. Either way I'm going to rob Halfords

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• I'm starting to think cyber security is at the same level as mall security

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• How did I get from Afghanistan to Iraq? Iran.

  Tags: one-liners

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• As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I once tried to make a square but I ended up with an octagon. That’s what happens when you cut corners

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is six afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Time Machine. I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday. They don't make them like they're going to anymore.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When life hands you melons... You might be dyslexic.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call bread from India? It's Naan of your business.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I applied for a job hanging mirrors. It's something I can see myself doing.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I failed my chemistry lab exam. I was in the middle of performing a chemical reaction but I got sued by the Fine Bros.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You already know the punchline. What is the worst part about time travelling jokes?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is Asia's favourite sitcom? Everybody loves Ramen.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend just gave me a presentation on why I should invest in his sword making business. He made some excellent points.

  Tags: one-liners

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• There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who thought they knew what the punchline would be, and those who are now searching for the original joke.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I once dated a mime. I hope I left her with a good impression.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

  Tags: misc

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• I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10am... I'm not really a mourning person.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When is a retiree's bedtime? Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt. I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Whoever invented the knock knock jokes. Should get a Nobell prize.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where does a polar bear keep his money? In a snowbank!

  Tags: one-liners, animal, money

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• Halfway to my dream of being a criminal lawyer! Now I just have to work on the lawyer part.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple Store? For the watch

  Tags: one-liners

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• Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a monk with a philosophy degree? A deep friar.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When the bank gives my kid a lollipop I take it and eat it because I want him to understand how banks really work.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, money

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• I'm at the age where I have to make a noise when I bend over. It's the law.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the Dog not answer the phone? Because of no collar ID

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was wondering what my parents did without the internet. and none of my 7 siblings could tell me

  Tags: one-liners

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• I got so drunk the other night that I lost my glasses. The rest is a blur.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The Earth's surface is 70% water. That water is uncarbonated. Therefore, the Earth is flat.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A man went to the hospital with a sprained ankle. The doctor said, "Don't worry, you'll be walking in no time." He was. The doctor stole his car.

  Tags: medical

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• Just lost my job as a zookeeper. In my defence there were signs everywhere saying "please don't feed the animals"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Remember, it's not what you do... it's what you get away with.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I once abused someone with a dictionary... The judge didn't know whether to charge me with verbal or physical assault

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why can't two elephants go swimming? -They only have one pair of trunks.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I heard a banana a day helps clean out the colon. I then found out you’re supposed to eat the banana.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What would two termites order at a restaurant? Table for 2

  Tags: one-liners

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• When does a pentagon not have 5 sides? When it's intersected by a plane

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer. Yeah, I gave 'em my too weak notice

  Tags: one-liners

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• I set out to lose 10 pounds this month... Only 15 more to go

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is a vampire's sweetheart called? His ghoul-friend.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the pencil cross the road? It was lead!

  Tags: puns

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• Shout-out to everyone who is struggling with establishing their identity. You know who you are.

  Tags: one-liners

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• So this Limbo Champion walks into a bar... and was immediately disqualified.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What part of your family can you see through? A transparent.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just hired a private investigator to find out what I do all day.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• My survey which I conducted said that 8 out of 4 people don't understand fractions.

  Tags: one-liners

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• According to research 80% of the poplation can't do simple maths.Good news for us brainboxes,the other 10%.

  Tags: misc

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• An Integer walks to a String and asks for its number. String replies, "Sorry, you're not my type."

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was going to be a computer forensics expert, but couldn't hack IT.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, programming

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• How do you make a small fortune from investing in Bitcoin? Start off by investing a large fortune in Bitcoin.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The Sun doesn't need to go to college. Because it already has 28 million degrees.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does the apple user do when he wants to customize his device? He adjusts the volume.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated”. and “non-hyphenated”?

  Tags: one-liners

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• There's nothing I've learned from being a father that I couldn't just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Why don't Jedi Knights use the Kelvin scale? Only a Sith deals in absolutes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What happens when a battery commits a crime? They get charged

  Tags: one-liners

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• The bartender said we don't serve time travellers. Two men walk into a bar.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I finally found a diet plan that works. It's called 'The Cost of Food'.

  Tags: one-liners, food, money

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• If you ever drop a volcano rock on your foot You'll Krakatoa

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• What color is the wind? Blew

  Tags: one-liners

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• Birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• 100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses. Oh how the stables have turned

  Tags: one-liners

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• Shout out to my student loan for getting me through college. I don't know how I'll ever be able to repay you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it's raining in Sweden. How the hell am I supposed to know if it's raining in Sweden?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the best part about Valentine's Day? The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.

  Tags: one-liners, food, money

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• It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course there's shipping and handling, too.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You remember those yardsticks? They don't make them any longer.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A man has been found guilty of overusing commas. The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why didn't 4 ask out 5? Because he was 22.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you watch Jeopardy backwards, it's about rich people paying money for answers to questions. That is all.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friends keep telling me to stop impersonating butter. But I can't. I'm on a roll now

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you split Rome in half? You use a pair of caesars.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When I was little, my dad used to feed me alphabet soup, claiming that I loved it? I didn't really; he was just putting words in my mouth.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Does anyone know how to avoid click bait? Apparently not.

  Tags: one-liners

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• In France, do you know why they only eat one egg at breakfast time? Because one egg is enough

  Tags: one-liners

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• Never trust a dog to watch your food.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I always order my burgers from Sonic. He always gets them to me the fastest

  Tags: one-liners

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• My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• How come people are willing to get up off their butts to search the whole room for the remote, because they refuse to get up and change channels manually?

  Tags: misc

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• My mum bought me a book on procrastination at the start of high school. I haven't opened it yet.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My British friend asked me, "Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?" I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."

  Tags: one-liners

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• Time Flies Like an Arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't understand why Steve Ballmer spent so much money on the Clippers. He doesn't even have hair.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I built a 1:1000000 model of a German submarine. It’s a pretty good μ-boat.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Was asked in an interview if I could perform under pressure. I said I'm not sure but I can definitely perform "another one bites the dust"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do pediatricians get so frustrated? They have very little patients.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My parents always tell me that their world doesn't revolve around me. I guess that means that I'm not actually their sun :(

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is CoD: Infinite Warfare set in space? Because no one on earth wants to buy it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

  Tags: crazy-jokes

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• What's the correct way to pronounce nihilism? Doesn't matter.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the elephant call the locksmith? Because he lost his keys in his trunk!

  Tags: animal

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• So what if I don't know what "apocalypse" means. It's not like it's the end of the world

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's a tiger running a copying machine called? A copycat

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend? Because they're both cauldron

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you do if you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

  Tags: animal

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• Thieves broke into my shop and stole 15 cases of Red Bull. I don't know how these people sleep at night

  Tags: one-liners

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• Easiest way to win a debate is to have a sharp sword at the ready. Everybody will agree you have a good point

  Tags: one-liners

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