Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• Q: What do you call a white guy surounded by indians?A: A bartender.

  Tags: misc

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• Knock knock. Who's there? He. He who? He who must not be named, so don't say it!

  Tags: knock-knock

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• Knock-knock Who's there? Olive Olive who? Olive you!!!

  Tags: knock-knock

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• What do you call a Spanish man with a rubber toe? Answer: Roberto.

  Tags: puns

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• So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local swimming baths?" He said, "It depends where you're calling from."

  Tags: puns

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• Q: How many 'Cliffie girls does it take to change a light bulb? A: It's ''Radcliffe Women'' and it's not funny!

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• a = b, b = c, a = c. Math Teacher: If a = b and b = c then a = c. Now give me the practical example of this principle from real life. Student: I love you, sir, and you love your daughter, which means I love your daughter.

  Tags: misc

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• Did you hear about the director of the Department of Motor Vehicles who resigned on Tuesday? He tried to resign on Monday, but discovered he'd been standing in the wrong line.

  Tags: at-work

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• A mother and her child were at a wedding. A little boy looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?" His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life." The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

  Tags: misc

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• A timid little man in a restaurant carefully touched the arm of a man putting on an overcoat. "Excuse me," he said, "but do you happen to be Mr. Smith?""No, I'm not!" the man answered impatiently. "Oh. . . er. . . well," stammered the first man, "you see, I am, and that's his overcoat you're putting on. "

  Tags: misc

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• What is a pirate's favorite food? Taco Bell's cARRne asada.

  Tags: misc

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• Overheard at an exhibit in the science museum: "It says here that oxygen was discovered over two hundred years ago." "Wow! What did people breathe before that?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Billymac: "Those there are award winnin' cows." BubbaJr.: "What'd they do?" Billymac: "They're outstandin' in their field"

  Tags: animal

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• Two eggs were in a pan of boiling water. One egg says, "Phew, it's hot in here!" The other egg replies, "Wait till we get out of here, they smash your head in!"

  Tags: one-liners

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• If it weren't for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for everybody.

  Tags: puns

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• Q. What did the father buffalo say to the son buffalo when he left for school? A. Bison!

  Tags: animal

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• "You certainly look cool." "Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself."

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two muffins were sitting next to each other, in an oven, as they were being cooked. One muffin turned to the other muffin, and said, "Man, it's hot in here." Then the other muffin turned to the first muffin and screamed, "AHHH! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

  Tags: misc

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• -Knock Knock! -Who's there? -You know. -You know who? -Thats right, avada kedavra!

  Tags: knock-knock

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• Did you hear about the tree that made an Ash of itself?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Broccoli, while not exoccoli, Is within an inach of being spinach.

  Tags: misc

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• How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one-they don't like to share the spotlight.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• William P. Holcomb's job is to supervise the tracking down of Houston, Texas parking ticket violators. It was revealed that he himself had 375 unpaid tickets.

  Tags: at-work

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• Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty

  Tags: classic, general

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• What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?About .....35 pounds

  Tags: misc

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• Q: How many teamsters does it take to change a light bulb? A: ''Twelve. Ya got a problem with that?''

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Can You Decipher This Phrase?

  Can You Decipher This Phrase? pu Back up!

  Tags: animal

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• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you give the person who has everything? A box to keep it all in.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you get when you cross a cheetah with a hamburger? Fast food!

  Tags: misc

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• Can You Decipher This Phrase? R U N Run down!

  Tags: animal

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• El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries. A freighter bound for Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in a particularly violent storm and sank 65 times.

  Tags: puns

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• A man walks into a shop and says, "I see you don't have any fish", and the shop assistant replies, "You got it wrong - ours is a butcher: we don't have any meat. They don't have any fish in the fish shop that is across the road!"

  Tags: misc

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• How Can You Tell If a Man's a Redneck?

  If he concentrates on the bottle because it says, "from concentrate!"

  Tags: misc

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• As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.

  Tags: misc

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• A three-legged poodle walked into a bar in the Wild West and said "Hey, I'm lookin for the guy who shot my paw!"

  Tags: misc

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• Q: What do you call a non-churchgoer? A: A Seventh-Day Absentist

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sign at an office: Would the person who removed the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

  Tags: misc

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• How does a French skeleton say hello? Bone-jour.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Walking his blonde date to the front door, Keith said to her, "Will I see you pretty soon?""What's the matter," she asked, hurt. "Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

  Tags: misc

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• Dear son, Good luck with your exams tomorrow. I always think that it's best to stay up partying all of the night before an exam. Exam rooms are always a good place to catch up on sleep, because they're silent, and there's nothing to do in them anyway. Love, Dad

  Tags: college

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• If you would like to link your web site to Wocka.com, please freely bookmark or add links to any page contained within this web site provided that this site does not appear inside any frames.

  Tags: misc

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• Don't look at the eclipse through a colander. You'll strain your eyes.

  Tags: classic, general

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• A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed. The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."

  Tags: bar-jokes

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• I heard they were going to name a highway after Willie Nelson in Texas... But be Warned: When taking this highway look out for pot holes!

  Tags: puns

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• You know that you're a really boring person when someone steals your identity and then tries to give it back.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Have You Ever Seen Moth Balls?

  Have you ever seen Moth Balls? You have!!! How did you get their teeny, tiny and poor little legs apart? Ya fiend!

  Tags: animal

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• What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport? Squash.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Want to know a dirty joke? A white horse falls into a mud puddle. Wanna know a clean joke? The horse takes a shower.

  Tags: animal

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• Warning Signs That You Need A New Lawyer:1. You met him in prison.2. His last good case was a Budweiser.3. All his law books are from Time-Life.4. He picks the jury by playing duck, duck, goose.

  Tags: misc

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• Why do they call it "drug abuse" when the person "abusing the drugs" then ends up with half of his brain being rendered useless?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q. Where do Comedians go if they are sick? A. To the He-He-Mergency room!

  Tags: medical

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• Where Did They Sign the Declaration?

  Where did they sign the Declaration of Independence? At the bottom.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What are the blonde's first words after 4 years of college? "Would you like fries with that?"

  Tags: college

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• Why don't you find hippopotamuses hiding in trees? They're really good at it.

  Tags: classic, general

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• If a lawyer can be disbarred can a musician be denoted or a model deposed?

  Tags: puns

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• What are Martians favorite sweets? Mars-mallows.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is black & white an red all over? A penguin holding its breath!

  Tags: animal

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• Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball. "I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition." "Batted .007," his wife added.

  Tags: sports

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• How do you know if a dummy has been sending e-mail? You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.

  Tags: tech

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• Do you know what style of shoes a frog loves most? Open toad!

  Tags: puns

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• Did you know that 18 out of 10 people don't understand fractions?

  Tags: misc

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• One day a boy said to his mom, "I'm a Picses, what are you?" The the mom answered, "Cancer." The boy then asked in a shocked state, "You killed Grandma?"

  Tags: children

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• What do you call a blind German? A not see!

  Tags: animal

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• VEB Sachsenring brought out a new Eco-Trabi: Immediately available for delivery, extremely cheap, extremely quiet, extremely environmentally friendly - with electric power train. Small problem: The extension cord is only 20 meters long and not in stock.

  Tags: misc

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• Once, a blonde decided to ride a horse. She was riding quite pleasantly on a trail in a field until the horse speeded up. He was going faster and faster, and soon she felt herself slipping. Her head was just about to hit the ground... Then the Wal Mart manager ran to turn off the horsey ride.

  Tags: blonde-jokes

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• One day a man came home from work and he was greeted by his wife. She told that she has good news and that she had bad news. He said "Well, give me the good news first." She said "The good news is that the air bag works."

  Tags: misc

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• How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?

  Tags: animal

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• You might be a teacher if you have an overwhelming urge to nod and say, "Now I understand why your kid is the way he/she is," after meeting the parents.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A man was walking through Beverly Hills selling door to door what he claimed to be the "Magic Elixir of Life". Of course, the police arrested him and ran a computer check of him. They found the man had quite a long record of such dealings. He was first arrested for that type of crime in 1660.

  Tags: misc

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• Knock Knock! Who's there? Kanga. Kanga who? No! Kangaroo!

  Tags: knock-knock

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• If at first you don't suceed...lower your standards!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

  Tags: children

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• According to the Institute of Incomplete Research, 7 out of 10 people are

  Tags: one-liners

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• A girl went to a dentist to have her teeth filled. The dentist asked, "What kind of fillings do you want? White or silver?" The girl replied, "Chocolate fillings."

  Tags: medical

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• Q: What do you call 50 black guys in a hole? A: Afro-Turf

  Tags: misc

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• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support." "Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself."

  Tags: misc

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• A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

  Tags: police-jokes

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• Knock knock Who's there ? Scold Scold who ? Scold out here, let me in!

  Tags: knock-knock

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• An old Chinese couple is lying in bed late one night. The Old man turns to his wife and says, "I want 69!"The old women looks confused, and then asks, "Why you want beef and broccoli now?"

  Tags: misc

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• What did the Red light say to the Green light? Don't look at me I'm changing!

  Tags: classic, general

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• How many rich people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They hire people to do it for them.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Try to refrain from referring to this website or the users of this website in the jokes you post on Wocka. This is mainly because most of the people who read the jokes might not understand the reference to a particular person and they will rate the joke poorly because they do not understand it.

  Tags: misc

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• If it was only a 3 hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes?

  Tags: misc

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• Why does a dog have fur? 'Cause if he didn't he'd be a little "bare"!

  Tags: animal

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• Q. Why was the piano locked out? A. Because he had no keys!

  Tags: misc

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• Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb? A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Snake Under the Weather?

  What is it called when your pet snake doesn't feel right? -reptile dysfunction.

  Tags: animal

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• Once, I was walking along our road and saw a man who appeared to be very old and well-lived sitting in a rocking chair. Surely, I thought, this man had all the answers. So I asked, "How did you live to such a healthy old age?" He said, "I do lots of drugs, eat lots of sugars and fats, I smoke, and I never exercise." "Wow," I said, "how old are you again??" "I'm 22."

  Tags: misc

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• This really happened (honest!) A bunch of very young girls arrived at our door at Halloween. My Mum, being friendly, asked them whereabouts they lived, because she hadn't seen them before. They replied, "We live quite near here, where do you live?"

  Tags: children

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• The only person in our town who can afford to go on a jaguar is a zoo-keeper.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Teacher: Billy, tell me the periodic for water. Billy:Okay. H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O. Teacher: What makes you say that? Billy: You said it was H to O.

  Tags: children

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• Seems Paris Hilton is having visits from a speech therapist - she's having trouble finishing a sentence!

  Tags: puns

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• What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Molly wrote a letter to Santa Claus one day. Dear Santa, Please give me a Workout Barbie and a new milkman because he is sleeping with Mommy. Love, Molly

  Tags: children

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• A woman walked into a bar, and asked the barman for a double entendre, so he gave her one.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where should a dressmaker live? On the outskirts of the city.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Touring Ireland's countryside with a group of travel writers, we passed an immaculate cemetery with hundreds of beautiful headstones set in a field of emerald-green grass. Everyone reached for their cameras when the tour guide said the inventor of the crossword puzzle was buried there. He pointed out the location, "Three down and four across."

  Tags: misc

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• How do you catch a unique rabbit? You nique up on it! How do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way!

  Tags: animal

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• Amy: Yesterday I saw a man in the mall with very long arms. Every time he went up the stairs he would step on them. Bob: Wow... He stepped on his arms? Amy: No. On the STAIRS!

  Tags: children

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• When Chuck Norris jumps in a pool he dosent get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris'd. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a horse. It's decendants are know as giraffes. Chuck Norris doesn't need oxygen, oxygen needs Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris doesn't pay off debt, debt pays off Chuck Norris.

  Tags: misc

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• Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull ? A. Lipstick.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Can You Decipher This Phrase? STEP -> A step in the right direction!

  Tags: misc

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• Three men walked into a bar. They died

  Tags: bar

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• A child named Bob was running through the neighbor's garden. "Hey!" shouted the neighbor, "I thought I told you not to let me catch you here again!" "Right!" replied the boy, "and you haven't caught me yet!"

  Tags: children

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• Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it

  Tags: classic, general

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• What is represented by this? EGASSAM Back massage!

  Tags: misc

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• A man said to his golfing friend, "I hit two of my best balls yesterday!" "Oh yeah?" "Yeah, I stepped on a rake in the bunker."

  Tags: sports

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• If you boil a clown... Do you get a laughing stock?

  Tags: classic, general

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• What do you call a short psychic on the lam? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A small medium at large!

  Tags: misc

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• A little boy is adopted from Korea and is flown to the USA to meet his new parents. A few years later the parents decide to adopt again on the way to the airport the little boy sees planes coming in to land. He says to his mother, "Look at all the babies being born." (he thinks all babies come on air planes Ha Ha)

  Tags: children

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• A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

  Tags: misc

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• alarm clock, n. a device for waking up people who don't have small children

  Tags: misc

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• A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing," his mother asked? "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

  Tags: children

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• Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered: "I never forget a friend. That was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!"

  Tags: misc

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• Why can't a gypsy man walk right? Because he has crystal balls!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I didn't lose my mind! I sold it on Ebay...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Former Vice President Dan Quayle says that if you take out the profanity, the TV show "The Osbounes" is about good family values. You take out the profanity, and "The Osbournes" is about 30 seconds long.

  Tags: misc

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• Why did Raggedy Ann get kicked outta the toy box??? Because she sat on pinocchio's face and said "LIE TO ME! LIE TO ME!!!!"

  Tags: misc

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• Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his new checking account. "The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store," his mother said. "Oh good," he replied, "Now I can use it to buy some stereo equipment!"

  Tags: children

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• Knock Knock Who's there? Aesop Aesop who? Aesop I saw a Putty Cat, I did I did!

  Tags: knock-knock

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• Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups? Because they can't even.

  Tags: classic, general

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• "Well, Jonathan, what are you going to do about the excess weight you're carrying around?" the doctor asked. "I don't understand it, Doc," Jonathan replied, "I just can't seem to lose weight. I must have an overactive thyroid." "Jonathan, the tests show that your thyroid is perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "It's your fork that's overactive."

  Tags: medical

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• Q)A hippo is sitting on your chair....what time is it? A)Time to get a new chair

  Tags: one-liners

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• Grocery List; (noun) A piece of paper you spend half an hour writing, and then forget to take with you to the store.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q. How do you keep an idiot busy? A. Tell him that the ground is going to fall on him if he doesn't get off it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q. What's worse than raining cats and dogs? A. Hailing taxicabs!

  Tags: one-liners

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• "Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."

  Tags: men

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• These two convicts were about to be executed. The Warden says to the first one "Do you have a last request?"The convict says "Yes. I'd like to hear A Christina Aguilera song one last time."The Warden says "OK, I think we can arrange that." Then he says to the second convict "How about you? Last request?"The second convict says "Yeah. Kill me first."

  Tags: misc

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• Did you know that nobody can lick their elbow? *75% of the people that read this try it*

  Tags: misc

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• Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Today I picked up my mother-in-law at the airport. She's getting a little up there. She's at the age where she doesn't remember things too well. So when I saw her I said, "Thanks for coming. Have a nice flight!"

  Tags: misc

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• A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up." The boy looked at her quizzically: "Why does it have to be a secret?"

  Tags: family-parents

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• What is Tarzan's favorite Christmas song? Jungle Bells!

  Tags: misc

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• Johnny: "Dad, stop drinking my root beer!!! Do I get free refills?" Dad: "Sure -- I backwashed!"

  Tags: children

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• When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

  Tags: misc

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• Doctor doctor! I keep thinking I'm invisible! WHO SAID THAT?!?!?

  Tags: medical

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• Gary: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test. Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

  Tags: college

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• Heaven won't take me and hell's afraid I'll take over. -Unknown (boardofwisdom.com)

  Tags: misc

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• Just before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was abuzz as Mother Turkey scolded the younger birds. "You turkeys are always into mischief," she gobbled. "If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd turn over in his gravy."

  Tags: animal

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• A boy comes home from school saying, "3rd grade math has way bigger numbers than 2nd grade!" His dad replies, "Don't worry, when you start getting a paycheck they get smaller again."

  Tags: children

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• In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers. They shoot a six, yell fore, and write five.

  Tags: sports

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• Why did the boy buy a new bum? Coz his had a crack in it.

  Tags: children

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• What happens to a scone when you have eaten it? It's scone.

  Tags: puns

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• People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah? When's the last time ya ever heard of anyone who "rested to death?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• I put a blank tape in my TV and turned the volume all the way up. The mime next door went crazy and called the cops.

  Tags: misc

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• What biscuit does a short person like? Shortbread.

  Tags: classic, general

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• A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

  Tags: medical

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• Q: What do you call a group of blondes in a circle?A: A dope ring!!

  Tags: misc

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• And the beast shall be made legion. Its numbers shall be increased a thousand thousand fold. The din of a million keyboards like unto a great storm shall cover the earth, and the followers of Mammon shall tremble.

  Tags: tech

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• Ben never saw action on his high school football team. One day, the assistant coach gave him a pep talk. "Remember, Ben," he told him, "everyone on this team has an important role. There is no 'I' in 'team'." "True," said the boy. "But there is a 'Ben' in 'bench'."

  Tags: sports

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• It is illegal to stick coins in your ears in the state of Hawaii.

  Tags: misc

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• Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A stockbroker is beginning his jail sentence for fraud, and meets his cell-mate for next seven years. He stares in shock at the weirdo next to him, when the psycopath says, "Don't worry, I'm in here for a white-collar crime as well." The stockbroker is very relieved, and asks what crime the man had committed. The wild-haired, unkempt freak replies, "I killed a priest!"

  Tags: misc

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• I was on vacation in Texas, and was appalled by Dallas' chaotic traffic. I asked the bellhop at the hotel why it was so disorderly and was told, "In some countries they drive on the right, in others on the left. Here we drive in the shade."

  Tags: misc

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• Q. Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's day? A. Regular Rocks are too heavy!

  Tags: misc

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• "Excuse me, is this tuna dolphin-friendly?" "Dolphin-friendly? He was only best man at Flipper's wedding!"

  Tags: misc

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• Knock, knock. Who's there? Isabel. Isabel who? Is-a-bel ringing? I thought I heard one.

  Tags: knock-knock

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• In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

  Tags: misc

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• What do you call a flying skunk? A smell-icopter

  Tags: animal

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• Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

  Why did the chicken cross the road? I don't know, ask the chicken!

  Tags: animal

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• Why is the word abbreviation so long?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: What is brown, has four legs, and a trunk? A: A mouse coming back from vacation.

  Tags: animal

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• Knock Knock. Who's there? Swen. Swen who? Swen are you going let me in!?

  Tags: knock-knock

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• What's the difference between a teacher and a train? A train goes "chew, chew, chew," and a teacher says, "Spit that gum out!"

  Tags: misc

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• Professionals built the Titanic. An amateur built the ark.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the best form of birth control after 50? Nudity.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Teacher: "Johnny, what is the outside of a tree called?" Johnny: "I don't know." Teacher: "Bark, Johnny, bark." Johnny: "Bow, wow, wow!"

  Tags: children

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• When a man wants to believe something, it doesn't take much to convince him.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A lovely young lady named Kim Went down to the river to swim A man in a punt Stuck an oar in her eye And now she has to wear glasses.

  Tags: misc

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• Child: Mum, can I wear those really nice jeans with the hole in the knee to church? Mother: No honey, you can't wear holy jeans to church!

  Tags: puns

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• What’s E.T. short for? He’s only got little legs.

  Tags: classic, general

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• One of the greatest labor-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.

  Tags: classic, general

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• The Romans had to give up their big holidays because of the tremendous overhead. The lions ate up all of their prophets.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Haiku are funny But sometimes they don't make sense Refrigerator

  Tags: misc

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• A man was watching television when there was a knock on the door. He answered it, but only a snail was there. So he picked it up and threw it into the street. Two years later, the man heard another knock on the door. He opened the door and it was the snail again. The snail says, "What was that all about?"

  Tags: animal

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• Man: Do you serve breakfast here?Waitress: Sure; what'll it be?"Man:Let me have watery eggs…some burnt toast…and some weak coffee, lukewarm. Waitress: Whatever you say, sir. Man: Now, are you doing anything while that order is going through?Waitress: Why…no, sir. Man: Then sit here and nag me a while…I'm feeling homesick.

  Tags: misc

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• Hygiene Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects? Jose: Don't bite any.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Quasimodo goes to his Parisian Cathedral doctor for his annual checkup."I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says."Why do you say that?" asks Quasimodo."I don't know," the doctor replies. "It's just a hunch."

  Tags: misc

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• Top Ten Changes at NASA to accommodate 76 year-old John Glenn's return to space aboard the shuttle "Discovery:"

  Tags: misc

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• Thngs Not To Say To A Cop #1

  Hey, I saw you in Dunkin' donuts yesterday!! You're the one ordering triple chocolate, double vanilla, quadrupal cinnamon and double whip cream dounut filled with sprinkles.

  Tags: misc

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• If You Don't Know How to Read, Find Another Joke.

  What happens to you if you can not read? Well, since you'll probably be staying in Kindergarten, less homework!

  Tags: children

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• Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What kind of cheese is not yours? Nacho cheese

  Tags: misc

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• Nine cats were on a boat. One jumped off. How many were left? None. They were all copy-cats!

  Tags: puns

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• Why did the developer quit his job? Because he didn't get arrays.

  Tags: classic, programming

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• Four-year-old Robert tells his kindergarten teacher that he has a new baby brother, called Spot. "Spot?" says the teacher. "Are you sure it's not a puppy your Dad bought you?" Robert was adamant that his brother's name was Spot - until next morning, when he issued a correction. "Actually, it's Mark."

  Tags: children

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• Why did the melon jump into the water? Because it wanted to be a watermelon!

  Tags: puns

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• Why does it take longer to get from 1st to 2nd base, than it does to get from 2nd to 3rd base? Because there’s a Shortstop in between!

  Tags: classic, general

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• Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

  Tags: classic, general

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• What is the tallest building in the world? The library, it’s got the most stories!

  Tags: classic, general

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• Knock, knock Who's there? Some. Some who? Some asshole telling you knock, knock jokes.

  Tags: knock-knock

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• Why Did the Dinosaur Cross the Road?

  Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because chickens weren't invented yet.

  Tags: animal

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• No matter what happens, there is always somebody who knew that it would.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Baboons were once trained by Egyptians to wait on tables. A queen bee can lay 800-1500 eggs per day. The Popsicle was invented in 1905 by an 11-year-old boy. "Disco" means "I learn" in Latin.

  Tags: misc

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• Knock-knock Who's there Who Who who I don't know what the heck your talking about but good owl impression.

  Tags: knock-knock

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• Then there were the three bears. One married a giraffe. The other two put him up to it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The following exchanges are taken from transcripts of 911 calls.

  Tags: police-jokes

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• Why do C# and Java developers keep breaking their keyboards? Because they use a strongly typed language.

  Tags: classic, programming

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• Q: How do you shoot a purple elephant? A: Paint him red, hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.

  Tags: animal

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• Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. -- Jackie Mason

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall? Dam!

  Tags: animal

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• What kind of soup weighs 1000 pounds? Won ton soup!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

  Tags: one-liners

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• An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.

  Tags: sports

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• Diplomacy: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

  Tags: misc

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• PATIENT: "Doctor can you help me? It's my hearing. I can't even hear myself cough." DOCTOR: "Okay, have this prescription filled." PATIENT: "Oh, will it improve my hearing?" DOCTOR: "No, but it will help you cough better."

  Tags: medical

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• So ya know, I've been taking these kung-fu classes lately. I must say,they are great. Teach you how to be as powerful as a tiger, as quick as a monkey, as smart as a dragon. Why just the other day, these guys came up to me with a knife and demanded money. So, I turned into a chicken and ran!

  Tags: misc

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• Kid: Mom, can i get the hot lunch tomorrow? Mom: What are they serving? Kid: Swiss steak. Pleeeeeease? Mom: Okay! Okay! I didn't know you liked Swiss steak so much. Kid: Oh, yeah! It sticks to the ceiling WAY better than the lasagna.

  Tags: children

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• "Boss, I've got to have a raise," the salesman said to his sales manager. "There are three other companies after me.""Is that a fact?" the manager asked. "What other companies are after you?""The electric company, the phone company, and the gas company."

  Tags: office-jokes

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• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a one-legged lady? Eileen!

  Tags: puns

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• At a lecture series a very poor speaker was on the platform. As he was speaking, people began to get up and leave. It continued like this until there was only one person left in the audience. Finally the speaker stopped and asked the man why he stayed until the end. He replied, "I'm the other speaker. "

  Tags: misc

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• If a guy is a "chick magnet", and opposites attract, doesn't that make him gay?

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many men does it take to change a light bulb in the kitchen?None.... Let her cook in the dark!

  Tags: misc

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• Some common phrases that bees should know: Are you are hipbee? How comb? Hive already finished.

  Tags: puns

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• How do you get pikachu on a bus? You pokemon.

  Tags: misc

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• What's a specimen? An Italian astronaut!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Their was a very rich old lady that died.Before she died she gave all her money and stuff to her children and grandchildren. She had one thing left to give out. It was a diamond. She said she hid it in a cylinder with squares. A grandchild said he knew where it was. Where was it???

  Tags: misc

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• Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb ? A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again. A: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Salary Increase "I must have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me." "Really?" the boss asked. "What other companies are after you?" "The gas company, the telephone company, and the electricity company," the man replied.

  Tags: at-work

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• Teacher: If you stood with your back to the north and faced due south, what would be on your left hand? Lisa: Fingers

  Tags: children

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• Why shouldn't you take a Pokemon in the shower with you? Answer: Because it'll Pikachu! (peek at you...)

  Tags: puns

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• Every time I hear the dirty word "Exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

  Tags: misc

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• Ok Umm Uhh, Ahhh! Oh well, I just forgot what I was gonna say. Man I'm stupid

  Tags: misc

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• The other day I went to a zoo, but the only animal there was a dog. It was a shihtzu.

  Tags: puns

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• Knock-Knock Why are you knocking? I've got a doorbell

  Tags: knock-knock

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• Knock Knock! Who's there? Who who. Who who who? Is there an owl in here?

  Tags: knock-knock

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• A ham sandwhich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says... I'm sorry, we don't serve food here

  Tags: classic, general

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• What do you call ten blondes standing in a line?A windtunnel

  Tags: misc

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• Two blondes walk in to a building.You'd think one of them would have seen the building.

  Tags: blonde-jokes

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• How do you make a kleenex dance?You put a little boogie in it.

  Tags: misc

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• A SQL query walks into a bar

  It approaches two tables and asks: "Mind if I join you?"

  Tags: tech, classic

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• What did the beaver say to the tree? It's been nice gnawing you.

  Tags: classic, general

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• What do you get when you cross a parrot and a centipede?A walkie-talkie.

  Tags: misc

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