What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
Tags: classic, general
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What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkQ:How many Men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 3! 1 to actually screw in the lightbulb, the other 2 need to be there so he can brag about the screwing part!
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkBad at golf? Join the club.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkIs that a mirror in your jeans? Because I can see myself in them.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ: How many Newfie farmers does it take to milk a cow? A: 5...One to hold the utter and four to lift the cow up and down, up and down.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWant to hear a chimney joke? Got stacks of em! First one's on the house
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhat do you call a dictionary on drugs? High definition.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkQ: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkNothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy did the chicken pox cross the road? He was afraid if he stayed he would be spotted.
Tags: medical
PermalinkGrandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI went into a restaurant that served 'breakfast at any time'. So, I asked for French Toast in the time of the Renaissance
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWe are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... then things get worse.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin ? A. You come in one and go in the other.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy doesn't the glue inside the bottle dry?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a computer mouse that swears a lot? A cursor!
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkQ: How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb? A: None, they like to keep him in the dark.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkTonto and the Lone Ranger were lost on the prairie one day. The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "Use your Indian instincts and get us out of this mess." Tonto bends down and puts his ear to the ground. He turns and says to the Lone Ranger, "Buffalo come." The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "How do you know?" Tonto says, "Ear sticky."
Tags: animal
PermalinkDo you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow many Microsoft Employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they'll just make darkness the new industry standard!
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkHow do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? You will see one later and one in a while.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhat is it called when your pet snake doesn't feel right? -reptile dysfunction.
Tags: animal
PermalinkYou know that you're a really boring person when someone steals your identity and then tries to give it back.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTeacher: Alfred, how can one person make so many mistakes in one day? Alfred: I get up early.
Tags: children
PermalinkOnly in America can a President have relations in the oral office
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkFrom a passenger ship, everyone can see a thin bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands. "Who is it on that island?" a passenger asks the captain. "I have no idea... but every year when we pass, he goes nuts like that."
Tags: crazy-jokes
PermalinkPlease answer yes or no to this question. Is your answer "no"? Hint: This is under trick, remember. Answer: Yes or no.
Tags: animal
PermalinkBlessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThis Chinese man asks this guy what he does for a living. The guy says, 'I'm a comedian.' The Chinese guy says 'No, u no camedien!' The guy says, 'Yer, I am, honest.' The Chinese guy says, 'No, you're not, ploove it, change coror!' (He says it like chameleon)
Tags: misc
PermalinkI almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat is a witch's favorite subject in school? Spelling!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhat kind of shoes do you wear to the beach? SANDals!
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two-tired.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhat did the ocean say to the beach? Thanks for all the sediment.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkIn the US, everything that is not prohibited by law is permitted.In Germany, everything that is not permitted by law is prohibited.In Russia, everything is prohibited, even if permitted by law.In France, everything is permitted, even if prohibited by law.
Tags: misc
PermalinkKnock knock. Who's there? Poop!
Tags: knock-knock
Permalink10=D in a M 10 decimeters in a meter.
Tags: animal
PermalinkThe secret to enjoying a good wine is: 1 - Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2 - When it does not breathe, give it mouth-to-mouth
Tags: bar
Permalink1 Good Grades 2 Social life 3 Adequate Sleep. Pick Two Welcome to College...
Tags: college
PermalinkWhy did the french dog look in the toilet? Wee wee
Tags: animal
PermalinkQ: How do you shoot a red elephant? A: Hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhen everything is coming your way, you're on the wrong side of the freeway.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhat is the speed of dark?
Tags: misc
PermalinkMiss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?" A little boy on the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"
Tags: children
PermalinkIf it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel
Tags: one-liners
Permalink"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her room-mate. "Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce." "Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?" "He was the original owner!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkIn Light of recent years bringing us high profile ,celebrity involved murder cases, namely O.J. and now Robert Blake.Hertz rental car is now offering a cut rate on the Chevy BARRETTA!
Tags: misc
PermalinkIt has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.
Tags: business
PermalinkFor all of you who say I need anger management... Just to let you know, if I could control my anger, I'd destroy you with it!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA kid named Ron lost his mom and dad. He went to the hospital to say, "I wanna baby! Waaaaaaaaaaa!" The nurse said, "You're a male! Males don't have babies! And you're too young!" He died by biting his finger really hard.
Tags: children
PermalinkThe skeleton walked into the bar and asked, "Can I have a beer and a mop?"
Tags: bar
PermalinkA guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'
Tags: misc
PermalinkVacation begins when dad says. "I know a shortcut"!
Tags: one-liners
Permalink"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world." -Dave Barry
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI gave up Thai boxing because I felt the Thais were getting fed up being put in boxes.
Tags: puns
PermalinkTeacher to student: "I just read the composition on 'My House' that you had submitted." Student: "Yes, is there anything wrong?" Teacher: "No. It was excellent. It was exactly the same composition that your older brother submitted last year." Student: "Well...we live in the same house..."
Tags: college
PermalinkWhat do you call a crowd of chess players bragging about their wins in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkQ: How do you shoot a blue elephant? A: With a blue elephant gun.
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat was the last thing that Abraham Lincoln did? He died.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy do you Drive on the Parkway but Park on the Driveway?
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhy did the chicken cross the road? I don't know To get the Chinese newspaper Get it? No Neither do I. I get USA Today
Tags: misc
PermalinkA pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $800. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!" The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor. "
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy didn't Megan Fox run from the man-eating lion? Because she was a woman. *Told to me by a 7-year-old*
Tags: animal
PermalinkOnce, I was walking along our road and saw a man who appeared to be very old and well-lived sitting in a rocking chair. Surely, I thought, this man had all the answers. So I asked, "How did you live to such a healthy old age?" He said, "I do lots of drugs, eat lots of sugars and fats, I smoke, and I never exercise." "Wow," I said, "how old are you again??" "I'm 22."
Tags: misc
PermalinkTo make a long story short, well, it helps if the boss walks in!
Tags: at-work
PermalinkFarmer: This is a dogwood tree. Cityman: How can you tell? Farmer: By its bark
Tags: misc
PermalinkDid you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? The food is great, but there’s just no atmosphere.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkHow can you tell a vampire has a cold? They start coffin.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkI like hippos 'cause they're fat and don't care what other hippos think.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkOne day I was standing in the park wondering how frisbees get bigger when they get closer. Then it hit me.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHumor can be dissected, as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkRoute 66 says to the country road: Hey, man, you straight? Country road says: Heck no, I'm a byway!
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhy did the chicken cross the road halfway? To "lay it on the line".
Tags: animal
PermalinkHow was the snow globe feeling after the storm? A little shaken.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhy did the penny become angry with the nickel? Because the nickel was a "penny pincher".
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDid you hear the one about the gay midget? He came out of the cupboard.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkPaddy comes home from the pub one night to find his wife in bed with another man. He goes to a drawer and gets a gun. He holds the gun to his head and his wife starts to laugh. Paddy says "Idon't know what you're laughing at- you're next!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkA weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?" Pop,goes the weasel.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkI wonder who came up with the company People's Gas and where was their Pepto-Bismal?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ: How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Does it have to be a lightbulb?
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhat is the least spoken language in the world? Sign Language
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkMan: How many asian people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Asian Man: Whats a lightbulb?
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkA six-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair. "Don't be angry at your sister," the mother says. "She doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts." A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate. This time the sister is bawling, and her brother says, "Now she knows."
Tags: children
PermalinkQ: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkQ: How many [IBM] Technical Writers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only, ''This page intentionally left blank,'' and 20% of the definitions are of the form ''A
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkMy computer went on a diet. Now it's down to a terabyte.
Tags: tech, puns
PermalinkWhat do Gorillas Sleep on in fruit orchards? Apricots.
Tags: puns
PermalinkA wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style."If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef.""Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."
Tags: women
PermalinkWhat do you get if you cross a rhino and and elephant? Elepf-ino (pronounced "Hell if I know")
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhy did the squirrel sleep on his stomach? To keep his nuts warm!
Tags: animal
PermalinkQ: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkDoctor: "Stop worrying so much. Forget your troubles. Throw yourself into your work." Patient: "But, Doc, I mix paint for a living!"
Tags: medical
PermalinkMother: Did you eat all the cookies. Tom? Tom: I didn't touch one. Mother: That's strange. There's only one left. Tom: That's the one I didn't touch.
Tags: children
PermalinkWhy did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhy did the functions stop calling each other? Because they had constant arguments.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkJoe: Hi Jack. How did you like horseback riding? Jack: Not that much. The problem was that the horse was too polite. Joe: Polite? Jack: Yep. When we reached the fence he let me go over first.
Tags: animal
PermalinkA man and his doctor are discussing a surgery the man will soon undergo. The doctor asks if there are any last questions. "Doctor, will I be able to play my violin after this surgery?" "Of course! Why would you think you couldn't?" "I couldn't play it before."
Tags: medical
PermalinkSign at an office: Would the person who removed the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
Tags: misc
PermalinkNews just in - the drummer tripped over the cymbals, and hit his head. The hospital spokesperson said, "He'll be all right in a couple of days; he's just suffering from percussion."
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhat starts with an E, ends with an E and usually contains only one letter? ENVELOPE!
Tags: misc
PermalinkChild: Mum, can I wear those really nice jeans with the hole in the knee to church? Mother: No honey, you can't wear holy jeans to church!
Tags: puns
PermalinkIf 7-11(pharmacy) is open 24/7 then why do they have locks on their doors?
Tags: deep-thoughts
PermalinkWhat's the difference between snow men and snow women? Snow BALLS! (Ding dong kind)
Tags: misc
PermalinkA preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
Tags: bar
PermalinkAn attorney was on his deathbed in the hospital.When a friend came to visit, he found the lawyer frantically leafing through the Bible."What are you doing?" the visitor asked.The sick lawyer replied, "Looking for loopholes."
Tags: misc
PermalinkIf a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Tags: misc
PermalinkTwo Welshman walking across a field stumble upon a sheep with its head through a wire fence (it didn't have foot and mouth). The first Welshman drops his trousers and piles into the sheep for 10 mins. After he was finished he asked the second Welshman if he wanted a go?? The second Welshman dropped his trousers and stuck his head through the fence !
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: What's the difference between a rabbit and a cow? A: One's a rabbit and one is a cow
Tags: animal
PermalinkThere were three men at a bar. One of them ducked and the other two fell down because they hit the bar.
Tags: bar
PermalinkWhat is the difference between unlawful and illegal? Unlawful is against the law. Illegal is a sick bird.
Tags: puns
Permalinkwhat do a blonde and railroad track's have in common?they both been laid all over the country
Tags: misc
PermalinkBroccoli, while not exoccoli, Is within an inach of being spinach.
Tags: misc
PermalinkEver walk into a room and forget what you came in for? Well, that's probably how dogs spend most of their lives...
Tags: animal
PermalinkAfter your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat can you break without saying its' name? Silence...Shhh!
Tags: misc
Permalink"Mr. johns, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
Tags: men
PermalinkDid you hear about the cannibal who was late to dinner? He got the cold shoulder.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did the cat say to the other cat on the phone? Can you hear me-ow?
Tags: animal
PermalinkEverywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDoctor doctor! I keep thinking I'm invisible! WHO SAID THAT?!?!?
Tags: medical
Permalink2 = special administrative regions in China. (Hong Kong and Macau)
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat do you call an eagle who can play the piano? Talonted!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkA man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him. "You, sir, are drunk!" "And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"
Tags: bar
PermalinkQ: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhere do hamburgers go to dance? The meat-ball.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkCan you decipher this phrase? KCAB KCAB Back to back: [i.e. two back(s) - written back(wards)]
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: Where does a blackbird go for a drink? A: To a crow bar.
Tags: animal
PermalinkMatt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
Tags: children
PermalinkHow can you tell that the Stasi has bugged your apartment? There's a new cabinet in it.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: What did the Dallas chief of police say when the elephant walked into the police station? A: Nothing! He didn't notice.
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat's another name for a push-up bra? False advertisement
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTeacher: Jimmy! Count from one all the way to ten! Jimmy: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10. Teacher: Good, now what comes after that? Jimmy:Jack, queen and king!
Tags: children
PermalinkWhat do you call a blonde with two brain cells?Gifted
Tags: blonde-jokes
PermalinkHow do you know if a dummy has been sending e-mail? You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.
Tags: tech
PermalinkWilliam P. Holcomb's job is to supervise the tracking down of Houston, Texas parking ticket violators. It was revealed that he himself had 375 unpaid tickets.
Tags: at-work
PermalinkWhy don't eggs tell jokes? Because they would crack each other up.
Tags: classic, dad
PermalinkWhat do you call the planters guy beating up fruit spread? Peanut battering jelly.
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhat did the Zen Buddhist say to the New York hot-dog vendor? "Make me one with everything."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy do they call them "apartments" when they're so close together?
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat is the difference between a lawyer and a wood tick? A wood tick falls off when you die.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did one snowman say to the other snow man? Do you smell carrot?
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhat's bigotry? What you find in an Italian forest!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkA man was seen walking through downtown with a desk strapped to his back, a typewriter under one arm, and a wastebasket under the other. He was stopped by a policeman, asked what he was doing, and arrested when he replied, . . . "Impersonating an office, sir!"
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhy did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!!!
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. There's a primitive for that.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkA very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?" "I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."
Tags: crazy-jokes
PermalinkA fortune teller escaped from prison and became a small medium at large.
Tags: puns
PermalinkThis summer, I went on a trip to Houston. I needed to go really badly, so I stopped behind a tree. A minute later, I darted out being chased by a hungry squirrel. He wanted some nuts.
Tags: puns
Permalink"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it." - Jay Leno
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: What do you get when you cross a snake and a kangaroo? A: A jump rope
Tags: animal
PermalinkA fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he met a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, "Only caught one, eh?"
Tags: sports
PermalinkIf people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat key opens no lock? A Monkey!
Tags: misc
PermalinkI love it when you go down on me... you relieve so much tension and stress... but when you're making me feel really good, you come back up... Stupid gas prices...
Tags: misc
Permalink'How long will the next bus be?' 'About eighteen feet.'
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTwo men held up a bank.They cleaned out the cash drawers and then herded the tellers and clerks into the vault.They were getting ready to make their getaway when one of the tellers whispered, "Hey, buddy, would you do me a favor?"One of the robbers said, "What's on your mind, pal?""Would you mind taking the books, too?I'm five thousand short."
Tags: misc
PermalinkKnock, knock! Who's there, in th' other devil's name? Faith, here's an equivocator that could swear in both the scales against either scale, who committed treason enough for God's sake, yet could not equivocate to heaven. O, come in, equivocator.
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkWhy buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say ''Sock it to Me.'' (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from Laugh In.)
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkDid you hear about the runner who was criticized? He just took it in stride
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkFill in the blank: The one who says it cannot be done should never _________ the one who is doing it. Interrupt.
Tags: misc
PermalinkThere is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a blond standing inbetween two brunetts?A mental Block
Tags: misc
PermalinkHealth nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow To Annoy People In An Elevator: Ask, "Did you hear that cable snapping sound?" Call the psychic hotline from you cell phone, and ask if they know what floor you're on. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!" Hum the theme from Mission Impossible with yours eyes darting around the elevator.
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow does Clinton divert his attention from the latest controversy? He just keeps on plugging away.
Tags: puns
PermalinkIf to give a man a fish, he eats for a day, but if you teach a man to fish... He has to buy a license, poles, bait, and sit on his behind for four hours.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did the cat say to the elephant? "......................meOW!"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTo help students remember the word for "wear" in Latin, the professor used the phrase: semper ubi, sub ubi Translation: Always wear under wear.
Tags: college
PermalinkShows that may be appearing on TV soon, as a result of the electronic and computer age:
Tags: misc
PermalinkGood luck turns into bad luck when you call the credit card company to tell them they made a mistake on your bill..... and they agree because they didn't charge you enough. Good luck turns into bad luck when the cutest boy rings you up.... then apologies because he dialed the wrong number.
Tags: misc
PermalinkTEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of 'COINCIDENCE?'" STUDENT: "Sir, my mother and my father got married on the same day, same time."
Tags: children
PermalinkWhat do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep? A bah-humbug.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkQ: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb? A: Many hands make light work.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkBoy: Is your dad a baker? Girl: No. Why? Boy: Cause you're a cutie pie!!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAn actual headline: Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ. What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a computer? A. A lot of Bytes!!!
Tags: tech
PermalinkWhat did one earthquake say to another? Oops! My fault!
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhy drink and drive when you can smoke and fly?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call two thieves? A pair of knickers!
Tags: misc
PermalinkA woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch."I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said."What's your secret for a long happy life?""I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and neverexercise.""That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?""Twenty-six," he said.
Tags: old-age
PermalinkQ. Why was the Chunnel built under the English Channel? A. So the French government could to flee to London.
Tags: misc
PermalinkA girl's legs are her best friends, but the best of friends must part. -- Redd Foxx
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe counselor at the "magnet" school called a boy (Myrddin) into his office before school started."Myrddin, I have some good news and some bad news to relate to you this morning. We've just reviewed all of your personality tests and I'm afraid you have definite homosexual tendencies. And now the good news -- I think you're cute as heck!"
Tags: heaven-and-hell
PermalinkWhat did one virus say to the other virus? Keep away from me, I think I've got penicillin!
Tags: medical
PermalinkKnock-knock Who's there Who Who who I don't know what the heck your talking about but good owl impression.
Tags: knock-knock
Permalink"Dad, can I have the car keys?" "Ok, but don't lose them. We will get the car in just seven years!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow does a French skeleton say hello? Bone-jour.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkHow many lightbulbs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 0. No lightbulbs want to torture their own kind!
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhy did the chicken get a penalty? For fowl play.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkQ: How many presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb? A: Fewer and fewer all the time.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkI read right the way through a medical dictionary, and found that the only thing in it I DON'T have is hypochondria!
Tags: medical
PermalinkTeacher: Justin if I had ten tennis balls in one hand, and twelve in another what would I have? Justin: Huge hands sir
Tags: at-work
PermalinkHey, have any of you heard of the kidnapping in the woods? Yeah, well, it all turns out OK, though, since he woke up...
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhat do you call 2 lesbians in a cupboard? A: A liquor cabinet!
Tags: puns
PermalinkI found a way to make a horse stand perfectly still. Place a bet on him.
Tags: animal
PermalinkQ: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace. (Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight. They consider this joke to be a disgrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.)
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkI have nothing to declare except my genius.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat is represented by this? STEPPETSPETS One step forward, two steps back!
Tags: misc
PermalinkShow me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A-flat minor.
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhat kind of triangle is never wrong??? A right triangle!!!!!!!
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat do you call a bear who's into gardening? A Hairy Potter!
Tags: puns
PermalinkHow do you get pikachu on a bus? You pokemon.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA man walks into a doctor's office. He says, "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me! My elbow keeps coming untied. . . my belly button is out of order. . . I can't open my chest. . . I'm losing the leaves in my palm. . . somebody threw my waist in the trash. . . and my foot is only eleven inches!"
Tags: medical
PermalinkWhat amimal walks with its feet on its head? a flea.
Tags: misc
PermalinkIn the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy dot net developers don't wear glasses? Because they see sharp.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkHow can you spot a happy motorcyclist? By the bugs in his teeth.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you get when you cross a chicken with a skunk? A fowl smell!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkQ: What is a cheerleader's favorite drink? A: Root Beer!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy are golf balls small and white? Because if they were big and grey they would be elephants.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat do you get when you cross a porcupine with a shark? Far far away!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat’s 50 Cent’s name in Zimbabwe? 200 Dollars.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkYou can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool a Mom.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTeacher: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. Willy: Me
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years?Because men refuse to ask for directions!
Tags: misc
PermalinkMary went to the doctor complaining of body odor."Do you wash?" the doctor asked the smelly young girl."Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my head andwash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and I washup as far as possible.""Well," the doctor concluded, "Go home and wash 'possible'!!!"
Tags: medical
PermalinkWant to hear a backwards joke? ekoj
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy didn't the skeleton go for prom? Because it had nobody.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkHow do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call an alien with no ears? Anything you like, he can't hear you.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkIn the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkAn Irish guy was digging a hole in his front lawn, when his neighbour walks by and says, "Hey, Patrick, what are you doing?" "Digging a hole," said Patrick. "What's wrong with the hole next to it?" said his neighbour. "That one wasn't deep enough," said Patrick.
Tags: misc
PermalinkMosquitos consider most people as food, but grandma's an open bar.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow can you tell if a mathematician is an extrovert? He looks at *your* shoes when he talks to you.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA man with two left feet walked into a shoe store and asked, " Do you have any flip-flips?"
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat's a bigamist? A heavy fog in Naples!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI tried for years to snap my thumb and finger together - and suddenly it clicked!
Tags: puns
PermalinkTwo sausages were in a pan.One sausage turns to the other and says, "Man, Its getting hot in here."The other sausage screams and says, "AH! A talking sausage!!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkThe Chinese say: Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAlways keep several "get well" cards on the mantle. That way, if unexpected guests arrive they will think you have been sick and unable to clean.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ:What is a blondes idea of safe sex??A:Lock the car doors
Tags: blonde-jokes
PermalinkWhat do you call a group of Jew baritones and sopranos singing? Soap opera.
Tags: one-liners
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