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Jokes

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Magazine Bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.
Tags: one-liners
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Do you know what the word 'was' was initially? Before was was was was was is.
Tags: classic, general
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Descartes walked into a McDonalds and ordered a veggieburger. The guy behind the counter asked "Do you want fries with that?" Descartes replied "I think not," and poof - he disappeared.
Tags: misc
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Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb? A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
Tags: light-bulbs
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A woman goes for her pelvic exam. While the doctor is doing the exam, he notices bikini tan lines, and she has sandals on that say "hecho en mexico" (made in mexico). So he casually asks her, "So did you enjoy your trip to Mexico?" She sits up a little and stares at him with this look of disbelief. "You can tell that just from a pelvic exam?!?!?"
Tags: medical
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Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in? New employee: Yes, sir. Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.
Tags: at-work
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Two contracters were building a house. While they were sawing a board, the saw slipped and cut of one of the contracter's ears off. They were looking through the sawdust and one contracter came up with the ear. He asked his co-worker, "Is this it?" The other one said "No, mine had a pencil behind it!"
Tags: at-work
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A man noted for his tact was awakened one morning at four o'clock by his ringing telephone. "Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an irate voice. The man thanked his caller and politely asked his name before hanging up. The next morning at four o'clock, he called his neighbour back. "Sir," he said, "I don't have a dog."
Tags: misc
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The arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard and had then rubbed out the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying this number by ten. "Johnny," the teacher asked, "where is the decimal point now?" "On the eraser!" came back the quick reply.
Tags: children
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I wanted to learn how to make ice cream, so I started attending sundae school.
Tags: puns
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You know you're a good ol' boy computer operator if...
Tags: computers
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"Daddy, there's a man knocking on the door with a beard!" "No wonder I didn't hear him!"
Tags: misc
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Q. Have you heard of the dyslexic cow who attained enlightenment? A. It kept on repeating OOOOMMM!
Tags: animal
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Who tows the tow trucks when they break down?
Tags: misc
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What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't? Depreciation.
Tags: at-work
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Q: How are lawyers like nuclear weapons?A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
Tags: misc
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A duck hunter, proud of his markmanship, took his son out one morning to witness his skill. After some time a lone duck flew by. "Watch this," whispered the dad, as he took aim and carefully fired. The duck flew serenely on. "My boy," said the hunter, "you are witnessing a great miracle. There flies a dead duck. "
Tags: misc
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What does playing the bagpipes and throwing a javelin blind-folded have in common? You don't have to be very good at either to get a lot of peoples' attention.
Tags: misc
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To add a joke to this list: Click the "Add to My Favorites" link when you are viewing a joke. To get rid of one of your favorite jokes: Go to your favorite jokes page. Next to each joke there is a garbage can icon. Click on the icon to get rid of that joke from your favorite's page.
Tags: misc
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How do we look at a calendar to find what date it is, when we don't know the date?
Tags: one-liners
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Aron: Throw all of your fish in the air. Jake: Why? Aron: So I can tell my mom I honestly caught them.
Tags: children
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Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Tags: one-liners
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What do you call a a bunch of fish swimming in the sky?? A High School!!!
Tags: one-liners
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A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know?" his mother asked. Daddy picked them up and looked underneath, he replied, "I think it's printed on the bottom."
Tags: children
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So this kid has been using lots of his dad's money and the dad says, "Do you think money grows on trees?" "Ya," says the kid. "Well, it doesn't," says the dad. "So what is money made out of, Dad?" "Paper," the dad says. "And what is paper made out of?" "Shut up."
Tags: misc
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Some days you are the bug. Some days you are the windshield.
Tags: one-liners
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What Do They Have in Common?
What do a walrus & tupperware have in common? They both like a "tight" SEAL!
Tags: one-liners
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QUESTION: Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my computer? ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:
Tags: computers
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Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it'd be a foot!
Tags: classic, general
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Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
Tags: misc
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What kind of pants do ghosts wear? Boo jeans.
Tags: classic, general
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Where do you learn to make banana splits? At sundae school.
Tags: classic, general
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"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?" the friend replied. "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"
Tags: misc
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Q: What is the definition of eternity?A: 4 blondes, 4 cars, 4 stop signs.
Tags: misc
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Kid: Mom, can i get the hot lunch tomorrow? Mom: What are they serving? Kid: Swiss steak. Pleeeeeease? Mom: Okay! Okay! I didn't know you liked Swiss steak so much. Kid: Oh, yeah! It sticks to the ceiling WAY better than the lasagna.
Tags: children
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So I said to the taxi driver, "King Arthur's Close." He said, "Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights." - Tommy Cooper.
Tags: puns
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Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? A. Nobody knows. It's never been tried.
Tags: misc
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Where do cats go to find their tail? The retail store.
Tags: animal
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Rabinovich notes: "I would prefer it the other way round."
Tags: one-liners
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Two ships, one carrying lots of red paint, the other carrying lots of purple paint, crashed on a desert island. The drivers are now marooned.
Tags: puns
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What s green and hangs from a tree??? Giraffe Boogers
Tags: animal
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Why is it dangerous to go in the jungle after 5 p.m? Because elephants jump out of trees after 5 p.m. Why do beavers have flat tails? Because they go in the jungle after 5 p.m!
Tags: animal
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Atlas is the biggest thief in history, because he held up the whole world.
Tags: one-liners
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A bachelor asked his friend to find him the perfect mate: "I want a companion who is small and cute, loves water sports and enjoys group activities." Without thinking, his friend replied: "Marry a penguin."
Tags: knock-knock
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Hi, this is Johan advising you that you spend WAY too much time on the phone. GO OUTSIDE... See the world, LIVE a little... Have fun.
Tags: misc
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One day Jim, a duck, was swimming in a pond when he came up to another duck and asked "What are doing?" "Blowing bubbles," she replied. Jim met 3 more ducks and they all said the same thing. When Jim came up to a 5th duck he said "Let me guess, you're blowing bubbles?" "No," said the duck, "I am Bubbles!"
Tags: animal
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What is the new name for a taxi in Oshakati? A computer. Why? It has windows, always crashes, & is driven by a thin black floppy with a virus.
Tags: misc
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Little Tommy was telling his friend Billy all about his Christmas presents. "My daddy bought me a mouth organ. It's the best present I've ever had." "Why?" "Because my mummy gives me extra money every week if I don't play it."
Tags: children
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Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
Tags: classic, general
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Where do hamburgers go to dance? The meat-ball.
Tags: classic, general
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Q: How does god change a light bulb? A: He holds the bulb and rotates the planet.
Tags: light-bulbs
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A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all."
Tags: animal
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Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say ''Sock it to Me.'' (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from Laugh In.)
Tags: light-bulbs
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For immediate issue: Password Security Guidelines V2.2b Due to new security policies, the following guidelines have been issued to assist in choosing new passwords. Please follow them closely. Passwords must conform to at least 21 of the following attributes.
Tags: computers
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How many teachers does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, one to turn it the other to grade the person.
Tags: light-bulbs
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-Knock Knock! -Who's there? -You know. -You know who? -Thats right, avada kedavra!
Tags: knock-knock
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How can a person living in Minnesota be buried in Milwaukee?
Tags: misc
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Knock-knock. A race condition. Who is there?
Tags: classic, programming
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What is the hardest part about sky diving? The ground.
Tags: classic, general
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One day two blondes decided to take a trip to Disney Land. They were riding down the road and all of a sudden they came to a fork in the road and a sign said disneyland left. So they looked at eachother and said dangget and went back home.
Tags: blonde-jokes
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This 40 year old guy is driving home from work and he pulls into his driveway, walked up to his apartment, and then sees his girlfriend with her bag packed up. He says, "Honey, why are you leaving me"she say, " cus I hear you're a pedifile!"He responds, "Pedifile?... Thats a pretty big word for a 10 year old, don't you think?"
Tags: children
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Where do the monsters go when they lose a hand? To the second-hand shop.
Tags: misc
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local swimming baths?" He said, "It depends where you're calling from."
Tags: puns
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What's the Swedish word for divorce and swearing? Ikea.
Tags: one-liners
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When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
Tags: one-liners
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Q: How does a Blonde kill a bird?A: She throws it off a cliff!
Tags: misc
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1. Did you hear about the man who had a shower without getting his hair wet? He was bald! 2. Did you hear about the boy who was named after his father? His name was Dad!
Tags: misc
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What is the name for a bandaid on a pumpkin? A pumpkin patch!
Tags: misc
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Question: If the world was a jacket where would the people from the ghetto go? Answer:In da Hood!
Tags: misc
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I had four cappuccinos at one time. I was bouncing off the walls. Good thing they were padded.
Tags: misc
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Q. What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a computer? A. A lot of Bytes!!!
Tags: tech
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Try to refrain from referring to this website or the users of this website in the jokes you post on Wocka. This is mainly because most of the people who read the jokes might not understand the reference to a particular person and they will rate the joke poorly because they do not understand it.
Tags: misc
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Doctor, doctor. I think I need glasses. You sure do, sir. This is a flower shop.
Tags: medical
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what do you call a dog that can do magic tricks? a labracadabrador
Tags: classic, general
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What's the difference between a leg and an egg? You can beat an egg up, but you can't beat a leg up!
Tags: one-liners
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What did the Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer? Cool Ranch!
Tags: classic, general
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How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb? 1 or 2? 1... or 2?
Tags: classic, general
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You know how we earn little icons next to our names for the points we get for being active on Wocka? They should do that on Facebook. Only backwards. The longer you are totally inactive, the higher level symbols you get.
Tags: misc
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I was going to tell a joke about the tide. But it went out.
Tags: ocean, one-liner
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Knock knock. Who's there? A broken pencil. A broken pencil who? Never mind. It's pointless.
Tags: classic, knock-knock
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You know what would be odd? Some one with a deep, dark voice calls you and says, "I know what your phone number is...heh heh..."
Tags: misc
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When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15."
Tags: misc
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Why are oranges the smartest fruit? Because they are made to concentrate.
Tags: classic, general
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Why did the lightbulb fail his test? He wasnt bright enough!
Tags: light-bulbs
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My grandson is four and can recite the whole Gettysburg Address. Abraham Lincoln couldn't do it until he was fifty-four. - Sam Levenson.
Tags: one-liners
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Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: ''Oh wow, is it like dark, man?''
Tags: light-bulbs
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Can you decipher this phrase? ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ 2 Mistletoe! (Miss L two.)
Tags: misc
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Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long
Tags: classic, general
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A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. "The other night I dreamed I was a Ferrari. Another night I dreamed I was a BMW. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?" "Relax," says the doctor; "you're just having an auto-body experience."
Tags: medical
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Q - What do barbed wire and a thong have in common? A - Both protect the property, but neither obstruct the view.
Tags: one-liners
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What's the difference between two yards? A. Usually a fence.
Tags: one-liners
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A horse walked into a bar. The barman said, "Why the long face?"
Tags: animal
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Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
Tags: light-bulbs
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Q. Where do Comedians go if they are sick? A. To the He-He-Mergency room!
Tags: medical
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Tags: puns
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The Post Office briefly considered issuing stamps with Bill and Hillary's faces on them. However, test marketing verified that the customers would spit on the wrong side of the stamps.
Tags: misc
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My arm started to hurt me so I asked a doctor to examine it. She looked at my arm and brought out a medical book and studies it for about 10 minutes. Then she said to me, "Have you ever had that pain before?"I nodded yes. "Well, you've got it again. "
Tags: misc
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How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Tags: one-liners
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What's missing? ch_ _ ch U R you are
Tags: misc
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Q. Why should you be careful when it's raining cats and dogs? A. Because you might step in a poodle.
Tags: animal
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Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Alva Edison.
Tags: one-liners
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"I finally got my boss to laugh," said one friend to another after work. "Oh, how?" "I asked for a raise!"
Tags: at-work
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A duck, a skunk, and a frog go to the movies. Tickets cost one dollar. Which animal doesn't get in? The skunk! The frog has a green back, the duck has a bill, but the skunk only has a scent.
Tags: animal
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Knock-Knock Who's there? Orange Orange who Orange you tired of hearing the same stupid jokes about oranges?
Tags: knock-knock
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Q. What are the two main political parties in Canada? A. Moose and Squirrel
Tags: animal
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What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur? Dyouthinkhesaurus
Tags: one-liners
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Why can't blondes put in lightbubs? Because they keep breaking them with hammers.
Tags: light-bulbs
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"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her room-mate. "Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce." "Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?" "He was the original owner!"
Tags: misc
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Why do bees hum? Because they don't know the words.
Tags: classic, general
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How do you steal a coat? You jacket.
Tags: classic, general
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There's this guy he goes to see the doctor and says, "Doctor, Doctor, I have a terrible problem. I have a strawberry stuck up my bottom." The doctor says, "It's ok, I'll give you some cream to put on it."
Tags: medical
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To find out your car's astrological sign - look for a sticker on the inside of the driver's side door that gives you the exact month and year the car was manufactured. Car horoscopes are based month to month because they are created and assembled over a period of weeks and not just on one day.
Tags: misc
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I think my smartphone is broken. I keep pressing the Home button, but I'm still working.
Tags: tech
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There is a lot of talk about the United Nations creating a combined strike force with troops from several nations included in it. Could it work? Let's take a look at one operation. A combined force beach landing on a tropical island. When the troops hit the beach...
Tags: military
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Q: How many a-holes does it take to change a light bulb? A: None; a-holes never see the light anyway.
Tags: light-bulbs
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Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It turned itself in.
Tags: light-bulbs
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A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks." He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones. He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."
Tags: bar-jokes
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"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world." -Dave Barry
Tags: one-liners
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What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between us, something smells!
Tags: classic, general
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Q: How do you shoot a purple elephant? A: Paint him red, hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.
Tags: animal
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Q: How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Does it have to be a lightbulb?
Tags: light-bulbs
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If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Tags: one-liners
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A teacher is writing a problem on the blackboard when she turns around and says, "If you are stupid, please stand up." After a while, a student stands up and says,"I really don't think I'm stupid, but I feel bad for you standing there by yourself."
Tags: misc
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Where do sheep go to get their hair cut? The baa-baa shop.
Tags: classic, general
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Some people have friends who are dwarfs, not me I have a friend who is a midget dwarf. He is the guy who poses for the sport trophys
Tags: medical
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A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep the entire store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom. Let me show you how."
Tags: college
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You see, mountains aren't just funny. They are hill areas.
Tags: classic, general
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Mattel may not want to turn Barbie into a middle aged doll as some women suggested. Still others say it is high time for Ms. Roberts to get in touch with the modern times. Here are some suggestions for a 90's type of Barbie.
Tags: misc
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What's black and white and makes a lot of noise? A zebra with a drum.
Tags: animal
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Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Tags: puns
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Life is full of uncertainties...or could I be wrong about that?
Tags: one-liners
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SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark? FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write? SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
Tags: college
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Where does a judge eat lunch? At the food court!
Tags: misc
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Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here's that $20 I owe you," he says.
Tags: misc
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Eager to make full use of my new computer's capabilities, I asked a customer-service representative at my bank whether it offered on-line banking. "Certainly," she stated matter-of-factly, pointing to a crowd of people near the tellers. "The line starts over there."
Tags: tech
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What is a horse's favourite Shakepearean play? Rodeo and Juliet
Tags: one-liners
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Sign outside a Chinese restaurant: Try our curries, you'll never get better.
Tags: puns
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Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
Tags: classic, general
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Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Tags: one-liners
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Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Tags: classic, general
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If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Tags: one-liners
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Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital? The hip Doctor!
Tags: classic, general
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Where do you find a dog with no legs? Where you left him!
Tags: animal
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There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
Tags: one-liners
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Ewww! (Mik And Mak from Bad News are Back!)
Mik: "Do skunks have a good sense of smell?" Mak: "No! If they did, they'd jump off a cliff!"
Tags: animal
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One day an Indian, a Muslim, and a Cowboy were just sittin' around when all of the sudden, the Indian said with a gloomy look, " Once my people were many, now we are few.", then the Muslim said with a huge smile on his face, "Once my people were few, now we are many.", the Cowboy replied , "Oh, that's just because we ain't played cowboys and muslims yet."
Tags: ethnic-jokes
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A timid little man in a restaurant carefully touched the arm of a man putting on an overcoat. "Excuse me," he said, "but do you happen to be Mr. Smith?""No, I'm not!" the man answered impatiently. "Oh. . . er. . . well," stammered the first man, "you see, I am, and that's his overcoat you're putting on. "
Tags: misc
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It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.
Tags: business
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"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."
Tags: men
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Q. What always stays hot inside a refridgerator? A. Salsa!
Tags: misc
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I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
Tags: classic, programming
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An elderly couple was having a conversation, and the wife asked her husband a simple question :- "Boxers or briefs?" Her husband replied :- "Depends."
Tags: misc
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This guy buys a parrot. Every morning he stands in front of the cage and asks in a pleasant voice "Can you talk?" This goes on for weeks with absolutely no response from the bird.Finally one morning, totally fed up, he shouts "CAN YOU TALK, YOU STUPID CREATURE? CAN YOU TALK?"The bird looks him in the eye and says "I can talk, all right. Can you fly?"
Tags: animal
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If to give a man a fish, he eats for a day, but if you teach a man to fish... He has to buy a license, poles, bait, and sit on his behind for four hours.
Tags: one-liners
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Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?A: Single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see whats in bed and go to the fridge.
Tags: women
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Q: Why do black people have white hands? A: Everyone has a little good in them
Tags: misc
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The smartest dogs are the Jack Russell Terrier and Scottish Border collie. Dumbest: Afgan hound. A rat can go without water longer than a camel can. The fat molecules in goat's milk are 5 times smaller than those found in cow's milk. It takes 20 minutes for the stomach to break down as opposed to the hour that it takes to break down cow's milk.
Tags: misc
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Two wrongs do not make a right, but three rights make a left.
Tags: puns
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What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
Tags: classic, general
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"While getting dressed one morning, I decided I have been spending waaaaay too much time on the computer, when I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my make-up mirror to see what time it was." - Unknown
Tags: one-liners
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Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile...
Tags: light-bulbs
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Did You Pick Up Your Room?
Mom: Jimmy, did you pick up your room yet? JImmy: No mom, it's too heavy.
Tags: children
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Why does it take longer to get from 1st to 2nd base, than it does to get from 2nd to 3rd base? Because there’s a Shortstop in between!
Tags: classic, general
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Can a teacher give a homeless man homework?
Tags: deep-thoughts
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Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Tags: misc
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If your father is a poor man, it's your fate. But, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.
Tags: one-liners
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When does running mean walking? When you're running out of gas!
Tags: misc
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Five policemen were on a boat. The boat sank. How many policemen died? 10 - five during the accident, and five during the re-enactment.
Tags: at-work
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Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
Tags: one-liners
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The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing yesterday.
Tags: one-liners
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My home town is so small, we have part-time village idiot.
Tags: one-liners
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Officer: "And you still insist you're innocent, in spite of the fact that we have six witnesses to the crime ?" Offender: "If it's witnesses you want, I can produce seventy people who didn't see me steal the stuff."
Tags: misc
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Why Did the Chicken...?
Why did the chicken do a poo right in front of a hole on a really busy footpath? Because he wanted people to slip on the poo and fall in the hole.
Tags: animal
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Lisa was playing bowling with her friend Marie. Lisa got a strike, then one more strike. Then, she got another strike. She had just gotten 3 strikes in a row! "I just got 3 strikes in a row!" said Lisa. Marie said, "You're out, you just got 3 strikes in a row!"
Tags: sports
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What’s Forest Gump’s Facebook password? 1forest1
Tags: classic, general
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Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole vaulter?" Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian...and my name isn't Valter."
Tags: misc
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What do you call a troublesome Canadian high schooler? A poutine.
Tags: classic, general
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A British girl recently moved to the United States and their home was near the Colorado River in Texas. The English teacher asked the kids to write about their home and neighborhood. The British girl wrote "My home is near the Colourado River." as part of her work.
Tags: children
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Knock-knock Who's there? Stew Stew who? Stew cold out here, let me in!
Tags: knock-knock
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Which side of the chicken has more feathers? The outside.
Tags: classic, general
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Question: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Answer: Elephino (Hell-if-I-know)
Tags: animal
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The word 'function' should never function as a verb.
Tags: one-liners
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Q. Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?A. They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
Tags: state-jokes
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I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every second one! I figure, no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three for each three they unlock!
Tags: misc
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What kind of award did the dentist receive? A little plaque.
Tags: classic, general
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Russian company: You have two cows. You drink some vodka and count them again. You have five cows. The Russian Mafia shows up and takes however many cows you have.
Tags: animal
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Can you decipher this phrase? KCAB KCAB Back to back: [i.e. two back(s) - written back(wards)]
Tags: misc
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A Chinese guy was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asked the teller, "Why it change, yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today Iget a Hunat eighty?" The teller says - "Fluctuations!" The Chinese guy says "Fluc you white guys too"
Tags: misc
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Why did the programmer go to art school? He wanted to learn how to code outside the box.
Tags: classic, programming
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Q: Did you hear the joke about the jump rope? A: No, I skipped it!
Tags: sports
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If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?
Tags: one-liners
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I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings, at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from e-mail. Amen."
Tags: children
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An Englishman, a Scotsman and a rabbi walk into a bar. The rabbi stops and says "I think I'm in the wrong joke."
Tags: bar
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My bedroom is so small... The mice are hunchbacked. I shut the door and and the doorknob was in bed with me. I have to go outside to change my mind. If I stand up, I'm on the second floor.
Tags: one-liners
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Teacher: John, where are the Great Plains? John: At the airport.
Tags: puns
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Where does batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.
Tags: classic, general
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Why was Cinderella kicked off the basketball team? She kept running away from the ball!!
Tags: sports
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How are the Points Calculated?
For a complete breakdown of how points are calculated, please read the Site Rules. You can get to the site rules by going to the FAQ's and the first answer gives you a link to the Site Rules.
Tags: misc
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Q: Where does a blackbird go for a drink? A: To a crow bar.
Tags: animal
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An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.
Tags: sports
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A cop pulled over two drunks, and asked to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."
Tags: misc
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Why couldn't G-Unit take the bus? They only had 50 cent!
Tags: misc
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Due to complaints, Hawaii passed a law where you're not allowed to laugh above a certain decibel. You can only use a low ha.
Tags: classic, general
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I was in Target the other day, shopping with a young lady friend. We were walking past the furniture section where there were several different models of bar stools on display. Next to them there was a sign that read: "All models in stock now!" So I paused next to the display and said, "Do you know what these are?" "What?" she asked. I said, "Stool samples."
Tags: misc
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How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
Tags: misc
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æ±¤å§æææäoï1⁄4æ æ3æä ̧åçè ̄3⁄4ãäoæ ̄å»æå®¤é»æ¿ä ̧åäoä ̧aéç¥ï1⁄4 Prof. Tom will not meet his classes this afternoon. æä ̧aè°ç®çå¦ççå°åï1⁄4æ3è·ææå1⁄4ä ̧aç©ç¬ï1⁄4æclassesåé¢çcæ¦ æäoã æ±¤å§ææä ̧åè· ̄è¿æå®¤æ¶åé¡oè· ̄è¿å»äoä ̧ä ̧ï1⁄4å¿ä ̧ä1⁄2ç¬äoï1⁄4éæå æ¦æäolã
Tags: misc
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A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, "I heard you died." "But you see I'm alive ," smiled the friend."Impossible," said the psychiatrist, "the man who told me is much more reliable than you."
Tags: misc
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Little Johnny went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" Johnny's father replied, "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
Tags: misc
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Q. Why did the dog fall out of the tree? A. Because it was dead Q Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? A. Because it was stapled to the dog! Q. Why did the tree fall over? A. Because it thought it was a game.
Tags: misc
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Why do they call it "drug abuse" when the person "abusing the drugs" then ends up with half of his brain being rendered useless?
Tags: one-liners
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A man went to the hospital with a sprained ankle. The doctor said, "Don't worry, you'll be walking in no time." He was. The doctor stole his car.
Tags: medical
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One day my wife was changing my daughter's diaper, and my 3 year old son walked in and saw her and asked, "Mommy, where is her thingy?" I almost had a heart attack, laughing so hard that day.
Tags: children
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I can't tell if i like this blender... It keeps giving me mixed results.
Tags: classic, general
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"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.""That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
Tags: men
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Today I was thinking to myself, how would my life be different if I was born one day earlier. I said nothing would change except I would have asked myself that yesterday.
Tags: misc
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Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems.
Tags: classic, general
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A twelve-year-old boy received a journal as a birthday gift. He looked at it carefully, but was mystified. "Mom, what's the deal with this book? All the pages are blank," he asked. "That's called a journal," she explained. "You write down interesting stuff that happens to you." His face brightened as he caught her drift. "So it's kinda like a blog, only on paper?"
Tags: children
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What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless! P.S. This works for just about any instrument player.
Tags: one-liners
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Remember, whenever someone says that you're nobody, remember nobody's perfect.
Tags: misc
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A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy. So she said, "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?" "Somebody else's pants." the boy replied.
Tags: children
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If you ask a Bears fan what his or her two favorite teams are they would be: - The Bears - And whoever the Green Bay Packers are playing.
Tags: sports
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Jack told me you told him that I told you that he was ugly, and I told you not to tell him I told you that! It's his fault! I told him not to tell you I told him what you told me! Well, don't let it happen again--and don't tell him I told you he told me.
Tags: misc
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What's the hardest thing about rollerblading? Telling your parents that you are gay.
Tags: one-liners
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When do doctors get angry? When they run out of patients.
Tags: classic, general
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It's a little known fact that William Tell and his son were avid bowlers as well as archery buffs. Unfortunately, all the league records were destroyed in a fire, so it may never be known for whom the Tells bowled.
Tags: puns
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A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
Tags: crazy-jokes
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. - W. C. Fields.
Tags: one-liners
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"Dad, can I have the car keys?" "Ok, but don't lose them. We will get the car in just seven years!"
Tags: misc
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In North England: 'mornin' In West England : How ya doin' In India : Get up you lazy chit. Don't you need to go to work ?
Tags: misc
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Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
Tags: light-bulbs
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What do you call corn that joins the army? Kernel.
Tags: classic, general
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Q: What do you call a non-churchgoer? A: A Seventh-Day Absentist
Tags: one-liners
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Duck #1: Quack Duck #2: Quack Duck #3: Quack Quack Duck #1 takes out a gun and shoots Duck #3. Duck #2: "Why did you shoot him?" Duck #1: "He knew too much."
Tags: animal
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When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it's an anagram of 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not!
Tags: one-liners
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Whats a blondes favorite nursury rhyme?humpme dumpme
Tags: blonde-jokes
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An RCMP officer pulled over a vehicle that had performed a rolling stop at a stop sign. When the driver was told this, he replied, "But it says STOP, not STAY!"
Tags: misc
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"Hey Sean, I've got a job lined up for you, can you turn up tomorrow, about tenish?" "Tennish? I don't even have a racket"
Tags: puns
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How does a French skeleton say hello? Bone-jour.
Tags: classic, general
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Here's a stupid warning label: If you look at a fire extinguisher, it will say "Non-flamable"
Tags: one-liners
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A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any help?" she asked. "No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need." "Then would you mind getting someone to assist me?" she asked.
Tags: business
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Jokes

What Do They Have in Common?

Ewww! (Mik And Mak from Bad News are Back!)

Did You Pick Up Your Room?

Why Did the Chicken...?

How are the Points Calculated?