Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• I was so sad and crying when I lost my playstation 3 but unfortunately, there was nobody to console me!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is CoD: Infinite Warfare set in space? Because no one on earth wants to buy it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I asked Sinatra what his favorite cereal was, an you know what he said? That’s Life

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Got an A on my paper... Time to write the rest of it

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is call of duty infinite warfare set in space? Because nobody liked it on earth.

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• What is the most dangerous thing in your freezer? Ice is.

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• Why is six afraid of seven? Because there's something odd about him

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• What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around? Holmeless.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The pub is ten minutes from my house... However, my house is two hours from the pub...

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• People are 63% more likely to believe a made up stat if you say it confidently. This increases to 78.47 if you add a decimal

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• what is a 4 person rock group that doesn't play music? mount rushmore

  Tags: one-liners

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• "When am I ever gonna use this?" Asked the student to the algebra teacher. "Well you won't, but one of the smart kids might" he replied cheerfully

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• If you want your dreams to be as fascinating to other people as they are to you, don't mention it's a dream until the end of the story.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is Asia's favourite sitcom? Everybody loves Ramen.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You stare at frozen juice cans because they say, "concentrate".

  Tags: one-liners

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• I will have enough money for the rest of my life. Of course, if I don't buy and eat anything.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• You can lose weight by putting sliced bread on your head. It's a loaf-hat-diet.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, food

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• I have a copy of nearly every Psychology Today magazine ever published. You could say I have a lot of issues.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn't answered a phone call since 2008.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• A stranger just came up to me and told me she was vegan... I swear I've met herbivore

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the longest website domain name? smiles.com because there is a "mile" between the s's!

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Fireplace! Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire. That made my father very mad, as we didn’t have a fireplace

  Tags: one-liners

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• I used to be ugly, but then I bought an acoustic guitar. Now I'm ugly and annoying

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered an amazing fact about icebergs... More below.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My new year's resolution is to stay out of shape. Maybe I won't stick with this one either.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Who do you call when your pet cricket has a stomach infection? A gastro-entomologist!

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Like a flat tire.......how I'm rolling this morning.

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• People who say they've lost their voice are lying.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

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• My five-year-old: "I don't want to be your daughter anymore. I QUIT!" No two-week notice or anything. She'd better not expect a reference.

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• Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city.. Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.

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• I gave my kid a harmonica for Christmas. And unfortunately he loves it.

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• A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia. She whispers, "They're right behind you!"

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• What has 9 letters and makes everyone mad? Clickbait

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• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

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• Twitter is my 'serious' account. My Bank account is the 'joke' one.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Why couldn't the rocket have a second launch date? It had thrust issues

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• What starts with “E” and has only one letter in it? Envelope!

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• I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.. Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

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• I'm really pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I've got eight fridges.

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• If I had a dime for every math problem I get wrong. I'd have $1.46

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you make holy water? You take ordinary tap water and boil the hell out of it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I ended up in jail the other night and the guys across from me had glued themselves together... It was very confusing.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are spiders great tennis players? Cause they have great topspin.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, sports

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• Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.

  Tags: misc

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• How many country singers does it take to change a light bulb? 2. One to change it and one to sing about how much they miss the old one.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.

  Tags: tech

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• Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? Because it might crack up!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Here's a joke for the lock pickers. A key that opens any lock is a master key but a lock that opens with any key is a masterlock

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• I can't believe that viruses and bacteria would just invade my body without a permission. That makes me sick

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• I know every single digit of pi! I just don't have them in the right order.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I may be bad at telling jokes, but... I am amazing at clickbait.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If someone says, "A penny for your thoughts,", and you give them your two cents worth, what happens to the other penny?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the gamer cross the road? Buy the DLC to find out

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• What language do metallic fruits periodically speak? Manganese.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• I'm good at multitasking and procrastinating, which means right now there are at least 28 things that I'm putting off until later.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sure boss, I'd love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What is an alien's favorite candy? A Mars bar!

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• A bus carrying a jazz band has broke down on the highway. Witnesses are reporting a massive jam

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• How do you make a racing snail faster? I tried taking his shell off but it only made him more sluggish.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Do bakers with a sense of humor bake wry bread?

  Tags: puns

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• My son was so upset when he didn't get a gaming pc for his birthday. luckily, this playstation was able to..........console him

  Tags: one-liners

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• In the movie 'The Hunt for Red October' ... the entire story is the sub-plot.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why doesn't Pacman use Twitter? He doesn't like being followed.

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• Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• I'll be ill if you remove the apostrophe.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My tennis opponent was not happy with my serve. He kept returning it.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• I just realized my countertop is made of marble.. I have been taking it for granite all these years.

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• My neighbors listen to awesome music. whether they like it or not.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Comic Sans walks into a bar. The bartender says "Get out - We don't serve your type".

  Tags: one-liners

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• This girl said she knew me from the vegetarian restaurant... But I've never met herbivore!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is spiderman so good at comebacks? Because with great power comes great response ability.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You might be a redneck if you have to haul a paint can to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.

  Tags: misc

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• The eagle was a bird of many skills. One could say he was very talon-ted.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you change the number of sides on a Pentagon? Intersect it with a plane.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How Can You Tell If a Man's a Redneck?

  If he concentrates on the bottle because it says, "from concentrate!"

  Tags: misc

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• Here's a lighted dynamite stick, please hold it until I get back.

  Tags: one-liners

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• It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is Canada’s national board game? Sorry

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• My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likeable. It was an autobiography...

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a spider with 20 eyes? Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider

  Tags: one-liners

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• Dunno what this WiFi dude did. But I've seen a ton of bars and restaurants demanding his freedom lately

  Tags: one-liners

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• You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool a Mom.

  Tags: one-liners

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• For those of you wondering what it’s like to be married. I just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great, I love being my own boss.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Working at home sucks .if you’re a firefighter.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I named my dog 6 miles so I can tell people that I walk 6 miles every single day.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, sports

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• Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• How do you say " 'sup dawg" in Japanese? Konichihuahua

  Tags: one-liners

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• There are 6.02x10^23 guacas in a guacamole, Which is also known as avocado’s number

  Tags: one-liners

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• As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today. I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Pavlov is sitting at a bar when another patron walks in and a bell on the door rings. Pavlov stands up, says, "I forgot to feed the dogs," and leaves.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the vulture check his baggage at the airport? He wasn't allowed any carrion

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the Valentine's Day card say to the stamp? Stick with me and you'll go places.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two sausages were in a pan.One sausage turns to the other and says, "Man, Its getting hot in here."The other sausage screams and says, "AH! A talking sausage!!"

  Tags: misc

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• I didn't lose my mind! I sold it on Ebay...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Whadda ya get when you cross an accountant with a giant jet airplane? A boring 747.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• what is an English teachers favorite cereal? Synonym toast crunch

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Patient: "Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: "Next time, take off the candles."

  Tags: one-liners, medical

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• If I had a nickel for every bread pun. I'd have a pun-per-nickel.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Which day do chickens hate the most? Friday.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• You're never too old to learn something stupid.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why haven't aliens visited our solar system? They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Fun fact: You can’t breathe correctly while smiling. Just kidding, I made you smile :)

  Tags: one-liners

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• Life doesn't hand me lemons, it fires them at me rapidly from a lemon cannon.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• The opposite of Microsoft Office is... Macrohard Onfire.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.... "Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" The bear responds:"No, I'm stuffed."

  Tags: one-liners

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• The American school system is very disorganised and poorly run. I guess school really does prepare you for the real world

  Tags: one-liners

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• what is it called when your crush has a crush on you too? Imagination.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "You're hitting the woods well today, pitty you can't stay out of them!"

  Tags: misc

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• What's it called when you apologize using dots and dashes? Remorse code

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?New Jersey got to pick first.

  Tags: misc

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• What do you call a bird that's afraid of heights? A chicken

  Tags: one-liners

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• Andy’s Mom in Toy Story probably has toys too. They may even be called Woody and Buzz.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Always make sure SOMEONE in the relationship has good credit... That's why it's called SIGNIFICANT other. Sign/if/I/Can't.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the derivative of Amazon? Amazon Prime

  Tags: one-liners

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• Think you know everything about the letter t? That's just the half of it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a snobby criminal walking down the steps? A condescending con descending.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns... Then you’re looking in Alderaan places

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a Frenchman that's been attacked by a bear? Claude

  Tags: one-liners

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• Up until I bought this bag of chips I thought the air was free.

  Tags: one-liners, food, money

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• Person of the year award has been won by a scarecrow the judges said he was outstanding in his field.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a vet that can only work on one animal? A doctor

  Tags: one-liners

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• if Lays had invented air hockey. it would be just air

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• My doctor said I need to cut back my sodium intake but I tend to take everything he says with a grain of salt.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Joe: When I would wear my hand-me-downs to school, all of the boys would make fun of me. Moe: What did you do?Joe: I hit them over the head with my purse.

  Tags: misc

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• A good romance starts with a foundation of trust, friendship and mutual respect. A bad romance starts with rah rah-ah-ah-ah roma roma-ma gaga ooh-la-la.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the hungry missile say? When is launch at?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I had four cappuccinos at one time. I was bouncing off the walls. Good thing they were padded.

  Tags: misc

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• How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb? Who wants to know?

  Tags: one-liners

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• If they don't call the next Fast & Furious film "Fast10 Your Seatbelts" I'm going to be furious.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Jimmy, your composition "My Dog" is the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? No, sir. It's the same dog.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do fortune tellers greet each other? You’re good, how am I?

  Tags: one-liners

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• My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discovered fire.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How are dog catchers paid? By the pound!

  Tags: one-liners

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• A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do some couples not go to the gym? Some relationships don't work out...

  Tags: one-liners

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• I try to teach my mom something new everyday. Because apparently you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Food is like dark humor. not every one gets it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U. Cause you’re blocking the TV

  Tags: one-liners

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• Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, and he'll eat for a lifetime.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My buddy just lost his job at a cinema that only shows Pixar films... He forgot to show Up

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the teacher jump into the water? She wanted to test the water!

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• I was the knight no one expected to appear on battlefield, Sir Prise.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Dinosaur Fact. Towards the end of the Jurassic period, the Thesaurus was the first Dinosaur to become extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you... I feel fine and I just had a really tasty leg of salmon...

  Tags: one-liners

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• What has a bottom at its top? A leg

  Tags: one-liners

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• I thought this guy on the subway was yawning. Turns out he was just a mute sitting on a tack.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Hey girl, are you a broken compass? Because I’m not really sure where I’m going with this

  Tags: one-liners

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• what do zombie cereal mascots say? graaaiiiins

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• What's grey, crispy and hangs from the ceiling?An amateur electrician.

  Tags: misc

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• What do whales like to draw with? A-krill-ic paint.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don’t like blunt arrow heads. They are pointless.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is black and red? An ape going down a hill!

  Tags: animal

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• Doing yoga got me out of the habit of biting my fingernails. Now I bite my toenails.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• I have nothing to declare except my genius.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What happens if you steel? You have to get Alloy-er

  Tags: one-liners

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• I changed my password to "incorrect", so anytime I forget and enter the wrong thing, the computer tells me what it is.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• What did Yoda say when he watched Star Wars on Blu-Ray? HDMI

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call tension in the percussion section? Druma

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why should you always knock on your fridge door before opening it? Because there could be an Italian dressing inside.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's a redneck's favorite dating website? Ancestry.com

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you think your microwave spying on you is bad... Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

  Tags: one-liners

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• “Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”. “No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

  Tags: one-liners

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• I hate making spelling mistakes. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The gangster's last words – "Who put that violin in my violin case?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• I love the smell of my F5 key... It's just so refreshing!

  Tags: one-liners

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• If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

  Tags: crazy-jokes

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• If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you -the next time he's in need.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.

  Tags: one-liners, medical

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• IRS... we've got what it takes, to take what you've got

  Tags: one-liners

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• Be nice to your kids, they'll choose your nursing home.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I once abused someone with a dictionary... The judge didn't know whether to charge me with verbal or physical assault

  Tags: one-liners

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• ___________________________________. With all the bad jokes going around, I had to draw the line somewhere.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer ...oh wait, he does.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• What's the difference between a race across Asia, and one across Europe? The one across Europe eventually ends because it has a Finnish line

  Tags: one-liners

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• "Doctor doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!" "I'll deal with you later!"

  Tags: medical

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• I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 Shades of Grey... For example, the one where she gets a job right out of college.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing? and delivery

  Tags: one-liners

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• Please stop the hate on the lazy people. They didn’t do anything at all

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why does Quentin Tarantino refuse to make movies with digital cinematography? Because he's the reel deal.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What's a pirate's favorite explosive? M80

  Tags: one-liners

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• A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Vegans who drink water disgust me. That's a Fish's house you filthy Savage.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The government has recently issued a statement saying that 18.9 percent of all statistics are false.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account? They were prime mates

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do they call the Hunger Games in France? Battle Royale with Cheese.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I didn't think my doctor could fix my bowed legs. I stand corrected.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby. Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours.

  Tags: one-liners

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• 85%of people in America don't know basic math. Thanks God I'm from the other 25%

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• What is the difference between a sharply dressed man on a unicycle and a dully dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.

  Tags: one-liners

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• As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said. Y'know, one would have been enough.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do I stay humble? Well, it's not easy, but I start by being generally bad at almost all things.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Now that everyone carries a decent camera with them... Where did all of the U.F.O's go?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I got drunk and drew up a graph showing all of the relationships I've ever had. It had an ex axis, and a why axis.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Dreams are like underpants. You've got 'em, but you can't prove you do by showing it to everyone.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was going to buy an invisible sword... But I don't see the point.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Don't drink and drive, you'll spill your beer.

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• Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, "What if these two socks don't even like each other?"

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• Our conscience is clear- we don't use it.

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• One of the greatest labor-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

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• I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players... The servers are currently down...

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• I asked my friend for a sharpened pencil, but he didn't have one. I always knew he was a little dull...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me." You reply with "That's the point."

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• What did one plate say to the other? "Lunch is on me."

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why was the horse so happy? Because he lived in a stable environment.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Wanna hear a dirty joke? A boy fell in a mud puddle.

  Tags: puns

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• what did the Copper say to the sodium chloride couple? I'm taking you in for a salt

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• What packs a punch in your pants? Boxers.

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• What do you call a shadow government ran by furries? The uwuminati

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• My dad asked me the other day: "Are you even listening to me?" Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've just bought a thesaurus but all the pages are blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Some acids walked into the enemy base... Threat Neutralized.

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• Why is Antarctica sad? cuz it's iceolated....

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• What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon? An Apocaclipse.

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• What did Charizard say to Pikachu? Charizard

  Tags: one-liners

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• If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons. I think I have telekinieces.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The word 'nothing' is a palindrome. 'Nothing' reversed is 'Gnihton' which also means nothing

  Tags: one-liners

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• The worst part about working for the department of unemployment. Is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Accidentally swiped my donor card instead of my debit card today... my groceries ended up costing me an arm and a leg

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about what happened to the really offensive joke about cows? [remooved]

  Tags: one-liners

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• the flat earth society has members all around the globe

  Tags: one-liners

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• When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it's an anagram of 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sorry I'm late. I was trying to think of ways to get out of this.

  Tags: one-liners

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