Stephen King has a son named Joe. I’m not joking, but he is!
Tags: one-liners
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Stephen King has a son named Joe. I’m not joking, but he is!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkComputers will never be completely "Idiot Proof" because Idiots continue to be so resourceful.
Tags: computers
PermalinkHealth is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA man with authority walks into a bar... Orders everyone a round
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy does Karl Marx hate earl grey? Because all proper tea is theft.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy roommates get angry when I steal their kitchen utensils. But frankly, thats a whisk I'm willing to take.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy do sharks eat underwater internet cables? They were advised to have more fiber in their diet.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAs I stared into the refrigerator I realized I was finally using my philosophy degree. "Why am I here?"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat’s a three letter word that starts with gas? Car
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat starts with “E” and has only one letter in it? Envelope!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron. Which is ironic.
Tags: one-liners, science
Permalinkhow do you get from sweden to russia? you cross the finnish line
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkLet not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkYou can never enjoy a game of Chess against an Australian. Everytime he checks, you'll think he's won the game.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's blue and doesn't weigh much? Light blue
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat kind kind of triangle is a tortilla chip? An i-salsa-les triangle
Tags: one-liners, math
PermalinkTrue Fact: Before the crowbar was invented. Most crows drank at home
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI'm not usually too good at jokes but um... Tiss
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHave you heard my unemployment joke? Yeah, it needs a little work.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy couldn't the skeleton cross the road?Because he didn't have the guts.
Tags: misc
PermalinkA three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI saw on Wikipedia that dolphins can bake bread! [cetacean kneaded]
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkSo...the past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAt 23:59 31.12.2015 I raised my left foot off the ground. Just to be sure I start 2016 on the right foot
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDoctor: “Sir, I have some bad news, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”. Me: “and?”
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe other day I went to a zoo, but the only animal there was a dog. It was a shihtzu.
Tags: puns
PermalinkHey, girl. Are you a fire alarm. Because you're annoying and wont shut up
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkPurple is my favorite color! I like it more than blue and red combined.
Tags: one-liners
Permalinkwhat do you call a sick Eagle? -An illEagle-
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI told my friends I'm going on a date with a cute girl. They told me she's imaginary, but joke's on them, so are they.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIs sodium just as dangerous as francium in water? Na not really
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf you fall down a bottomless pit... do you eventually die of starvation?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's the difference between a seal and a sealion? An extra electron
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow are peanut butter and jelly related? They're inbred
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a hockey player who questions their bad life choices? Wayne Regretsky
Tags: one-liners, sports
PermalinkI made an outfit from asphalt. I'm going for the street look.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDid you hear that in the next fast and the furious movie they’re getting rid of those long fin things on the back of the cars? Ah sorry, spoilers
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDon't you dare hit that drum again! If you do, there will be repercussions!
Tags: one-liners, music
PermalinkWhats a fedora clad, neck bearded gentlemen's favorite color? M'genta
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThere were some kids playing hopscotch and they were allowed to skip so when the winner was on 8 it went straight to 10
Tags: puns
PermalinkI was confident I could win the duel until my opponent swung his sword at my ankles. Alas, I was de-feeted.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Nobody knows, the never get to keep the house.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHealth nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf Mac users care more about the environment more than Windows users. Then why do Macs have a trash can and Windows has a recycling bin?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThey say you should test your fire alarm once a month... But it's costing me a fortune in houses!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy did the otter want to work at NASA? So he could go to Otter Space.
Tags: one-liners
Permalinkwent to a temporary tatoo parlor. it wouldn't wash off so I went back to complain but the shop was gone.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat kind of fish is made of only two sodium atoms? 2Na
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat is the most dangerous type of canoes? Volcanoes
Tags: one-liners, science
PermalinkHow many bros does it take to change a light bulb? None. They prefer Natural Light.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkYo girl, are you my appendix? Because I don't really understand how you work, but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do the crows in Texas greet each other? Yee-caw
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkNewton: I've discovered calculus(1664). Leibneiz: I've discovered calculus(1670s) Newton: Really? Seems derivative.
Tags: one-liners, math
PermalinkI went to the Atlanta Falcons locker room to get some change for a dollar... But they only gave me 3 quarters.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy is C the only good letter in the English alphabet? Because the others are Not-Cs
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThank you, student loans, for helping me get through college. I don't think I can ever repay you.
Tags: one-liners
Permalinkthe flat earth society has members all around the globe
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhere does a dog go when he loses his tail? a retail store
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI went to my local self defense gym and asked if I can take 2 classes today. They said no. “You can taekwondo”
Tags: one-liners
Permalinkwhat kind of music sinks to the bottom of the ocean? Heavy rock
Tags: one-liners, music
PermalinkI was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third. At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.
Tags: one-liners, math
PermalinkWear tank tops and support your right to bare arms.
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhat’s the most British thing in the British museum? The name.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI went by the house I grew up in and asked if I can take a look around, but they said "no" and slammed the door on me. My parents can be real jerks sometimes.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat is a flat earther's least favorite flavor of gum? Spheremint
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI just grilled a chicken for 8 hours. And it still didn't tell me why it crossed the road.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy are Jedi so bad at rugby? Because there is no try.
Tags: one-liners, sports
PermalinkMy home town is so small, we have part-time village idiot.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWould a fly that loses its wings be called a walk?
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy did the pencil cross the road? It was lead!
Tags: puns
PermalinkAlways make sure SOMEONE in the relationship has good credit... That's why it's called SIGNIFICANT other. Sign/if/I/Can't.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIm in a band called "Missing Cat" You've probably seen our posters...
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDid you know that the invention of the shovel was... Ground breaking.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDon’t you hate it when people ask you a question just so they can answer it themselves? Because I do
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkGenerally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkNever make fun of an Italian baker. Or he'll kick the focaccia.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's the difference between a grandfather clock and grandmother clock? The dong.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSome philosopher said “Change does not come from a place of comfort.”, but he was wrong. I’m always finding loose coins in my couch.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI put a blank tape in my TV and turned the volume all the way up. The mime next door went crazy and called the cops.
Tags: misc
PermalinkYou can fool all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, and that should be sufficient for most purposes.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy are the developers of NoMansSky called Hellogames? Because you never get a goodbuy from them
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat happens to Nitrogen when you put it in direct sunlight? It becomes DAYTROGEN!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI went to the library to check out a medical book on abdominal pain. but when I got it home, I found that someone had ripped out the appendix.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe landlady asked me if I minded making my own bed. I said I didn't and she said great there's a hammer and nails in the corner.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA cop just knocked on my door and said that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes...
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.
Tags: one-liners, money
PermalinkWhen putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA friend told me that all apples were yellow... I was like, "that's bananas"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIt is illegal to stick coins in your ears in the state of Hawaii.
Tags: misc
PermalinkGrey hair is hereditary - you get it from your kids.
Tags: children
PermalinkWhy does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf you play a Windows Vista disc backwards, you can hear satanic chanting what's worse, if you play it forwards, it installs Vista.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkNext year I'll give up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights... It's going to be Excel Lent
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI used to be scared of pretty girls, So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy hasn't Africa ever won Olympic gold in basketball? Because Africa isn't a country.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did one German wheat farmer say to the other German wheat farmer? Gluten tag
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy should you always knock on your fridge door before opening it? Because there could be an Italian dressing inside.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI wonder who came up with the company People's Gas and where was their Pepto-Bismal?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy is the south bad at calculus? They don't know how to integrate.
Tags: one-liners, math
PermalinkHow many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. We don't address hardware issues.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a monkey holding a fire cracker? A Baboom!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop... I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors...
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do detained criminals contact their families? They face time
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI had a detention for only using uppercase letters today. Stupid capital punishment
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkPeople use to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian" Well nobody is laughing now.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI'm thinking of opening a pre-owned clock store... I'm gonna call it 'Second Hand'.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy teacher always used to tell me that double negatives are a real no-no.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy boss said, "Have a good day"... So I went home.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you buy an Archer that likes flowers? A rose
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI just checked my account balance at the ATM. It printed me a coupon for ramen noodles
Tags: one-liners, money
Permalink“Hey man, did your Geography teacher tell you what the newest US state is?”. “ I don’t know, but Alaska.”
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy was the dentist investigated by the Securities & Exchange Commission? For incisor trading!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhere can you still get gas for $1.39? Taco Bell
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkLove is a lot like algebra... You look at your X and try to figure out Y.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkFlashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWho is the worst spy in history? James Bond. Because everyone knows him.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI’ve made a website for depressed tennis players... The servers are currently down...
Tags: one-liners, sports
PermalinkI went to get some paper from the stationery store, but it had moved.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHere's a lighted dynamite stick, please hold it until I get back.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI miss my umbilical cord.. I grew attached to it.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did the triangle say to the circle? You're pointless! (by the way, my 8 year old heard at school)
Tags: one-liners, math
PermalinkDoes anyone know how to draw a very realistic bullet? Because I'm drawing a blank.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy toothpaste fell off of my brush and right onto the floor before I got to brush. I was Crestfallen
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow come people are willing to get up off their butts to search the whole room for the remote, because they refuse to get up and change channels manually?
Tags: misc
PermalinkTime may fly, but does it have wings?
Tags: puns
PermalinkI know someone who faked his degree in botany. He wrote his thesis on artificial Christmas trees.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkKnowledge cannot enter the head via an open mouth.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI will never date a girl who doesn’t understand algebra jokes. That’s why my x is no longer in the equation
Tags: one-liners, math
PermalinkThe only person in our town who can afford to go on a jaguar is a zoo-keeper.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI hate sports like cricket and baseball because all you do is hit and run over and over. if I wanted to hit and run I'd get in a car
Tags: one-liners, sports
PermalinkRemember, whenever someone says that you're nobody, remember nobody's perfect.
Tags: misc
PermalinkBREAKING: Due to inflation, Dollar Tree will be changing it’s name to Tree Dollar.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a wandering caveman? A Meanderthal.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe guy at my local music shop asked me why I'm always coming in to buy new harmonicas. I told him "I blow right through them"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond? The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.
Tags: one-liners, music
PermalinkI've just done my part to help the environment. I unplugged 6 electric vehicles that no one was using.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI'm making a graph of my past relationships... I have an 'ex'-axis and a 'why?'-axis.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Tags: misc
PermalinkI got so drunk the other night that I lost my glasses. The rest is a blur.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIt's crazy how sexist the postal service is. I guess that's natural with such a mail dominated industry.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDid you know that 61.8 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkYou know what beats Stonehenge? Paperhenge
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a shadow government ran by furries? The uwuminati
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners? Not a fan.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkEgyptian alcoholics are the hardest to talk to..... They are always in denial.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkCan you conquer the largest continent on earth? No, but Genghis Khan!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkEvery program I write is completely error-free. No exceptions!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkChildren are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
Tags: children
PermalinkAre you a parking ticket? Cause you got fine written all over you!!!
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat's the difference between a drama student and a government savings bond? The government savings bond eventually matures and earns money.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat kind of sunglasses does Ned Flanders wear? Oakley Dokelys
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy can't pirates learn the alphabet? Because they spend years at C.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy does Quentin Tarantino refuse to make movies with digital cinematography? Because he's the reel deal.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's Autocorrect's blood type? typo negative
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA Cable repairman was on my street today and he asked me what time it was. I replied "It is between 1 and 8 pm."
Tags: one-liners
Permalink10, 27, 28, 30, 32 walk into a bar... 10 says "I'm drinking age, I swear!" The bartender says "Outlier!"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkEveryone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDid you know they have Knight Rider in the GDR? It's a Trabant with a pocket calculator!
Tags: misc
PermalinkI woke up late one morning so I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water. I got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI read the dictionary the other day. At the start you think it’s the aardvark, but by the end it turns out the zebra did it.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkHow many "sup dude"s does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, it's already lit fam.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call an excited fireplace? Stoked.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAll things are possible - except skiing through a revolving door.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhich cheese is made backwards? Edam
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkThe trouble with doing nothing is that you never know when you are finished.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you get when you mix a cheetah and a rhino? A Cheeto
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkHave you ever tried to eat a clock? It's time consuming.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkUsed to have this drama teacher who always said “raising your hand was a waste of time”. He was hands down the weirdest teacher I’ve ever had.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call the single grain of corn on the tree? Acorn
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSilence is golden, because you never have to explain something you didn't say.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkPeople keep telling me that I'm a condescending person. ( That means I talk down to people. )
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhich side of a cheetah has the most spots? The outside.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkWhy was the child’s blanket arrested? For being an accessory to a kid napping.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI caught a couple of clutches and transmissions today. but could just not catch a brake!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy survey which I conducted said that 8 out of 4 people don't understand fractions.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkShout out to my student loan for getting me through college. I don't know how I'll ever be able to repay you.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a stolen Tesla? An Edison.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI like my puns like I like my sausages... the wurst ones are the best.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy dad's bread factory burnt down. Now his business is toast
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAs we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAccidentally swiped my donor card instead of my debit card today... my groceries ended up costing me an arm and a leg
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe World is $7 trillion in debt.... Just exactly which planet do we owe it to?
Tags: one-liners, money
PermalinkIf there were a cord that insulted people... It would be called a discord
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkVegans who drink water disgust me. That's a Fish's house you filthy Savage.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI told Leonardo DiCaprio a joke about the Oscars... He didn't get it.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat’s a fireplace’s best feature? Dat ash.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWill carrying a torch save you from an attacking bear? Depends on how fast you can carry it.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkYou might be a redneck if you have to haul a paint can to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.
Tags: misc
PermalinkMy pal is addicted to brake fluid - but he says he can stop any time he wants.
Tags: puns
PermalinkI remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
Tags: misc
PermalinkNow that everyone carries a decent camera with them... Where did all of the U.F.O's go?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy did the walrus become a plumber? Cause he loves a tight seal.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThrowing out perfectly good clocks. Is a waste of time.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy gf is like the square root of negative one hundred. She's a perfect ten but imaginary
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWho's Santas favorite singer? Elf-is Presley !
Tags: one-liners, music
PermalinkWhat do you call it when Arnold Schwarzenegger remembers the lyrics to Africa? Toto recall
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkScientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish. The results speak for themselves.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy was the sick eagle thrown into prison? It was ill-eagle.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf you don't like my driving, stay out of the bus shelters!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb? Why does it have to be a group activity?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkEvery time I hear the dirty word "Exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy does Kylo Ren have no friends? Because his whole life he's Ben Solo
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI didn't lose my mind! I sold it on Ebay...
Tags: one-liners
Permalinkin mexico, we don't say "I love you" cause we dont speak english.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy friend's body temperature is currently -273.15 °C. Don't worry though, he's 0K.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWho is married to Antarctica? Uncle-Arctica
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy ex-gf invited me to her wedding. Told her I was busy, will be there next time
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkVillain : Why is my calendar wrapped in aluminium? Superhero : I’ve foiled your plan.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive... They would eventually find me attractive.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI found a way to make a horse stand perfectly still. Place a bet on him.
Tags: animal
PermalinkA man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Tags: puns
PermalinkI tripped and hit my head on a snare drum. I think I have a percussion.
Tags: one-liners, music
PermalinkI told my carpenter I didn't want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkEagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI just went to the Air & Space museum. Boy do I feel ripped off. It was just an empty room.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink16 more white keys than black keys on a piano.
Tags: misc
PermalinkIf you Google "lost mediaeval servant boy" You get "This page cannot be found".
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkNeeded: people with a lot of self control. for working at a bubble wrap factory.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat does baby volcano say to his volcano mom? Magma.
Tags: one-liners, science
PermalinkI've just invented a telepathically controlled air freshener. Makes scents when you think about it.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI got fired from my job as a massage therapist. My boss said I rubbed people the wrong way.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIn Europe, they don't call it the "Friend Zone" They call it the "Pal Region"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat has 6 letters, starts with 'P', and ends a sentence? Parole.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI took a selfie after my kidney removal surgery. hashtag nofilter
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat do you call a bull that got stuck in a door? Adoorabull
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkBREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered an amazing fact about icebergs... More below.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI have a hemp welcome mat. Some view it as a gateway rug.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right back, way too expensive and really bad quality
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkLiquor probably won't fix your problems... but it's worth a shot.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA cop stops a motorist. "Sir, you were playing a trombone while driving. Do you know how dangerous that is?!" "No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll fake it."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkGive a man a jacket, and he will be warm for the day. Teach a man to jacket, and he will never leave his house.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMan I really hate calculus. It just derives me crazy
Tags: one-liners, math
PermalinkI set Blur’s Parklife as my alarm, and it goes off every single day of the week... Except for Wednesdays, when I’m rudely awakened by the dustman.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkBought a new jacket the other day and it burst into flames. Well, it was a blazer.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkOf all the inventions of the last 100 years... the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable
Tags: one-liners
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