Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• I was nervous about meeting new people on a cruise until I realised, we are all in the same boat.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does a vegetable get in bowling? A-spare-I-guess

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• Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I saw some dude trick a vegan into eating real cheese. How dairy.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• If I had a Delorean. I’d probably only drive it from time to time...

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't always tell dad jokes. But when I do, he laughs

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was going to share a vegetable joke but it's corny.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex? My ex.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I use my cell phone as an alarm clock. I call it Veriz'n shine..

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why can't the bank keep a secret? It has too many tellers!

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• In Laughter, the L comes first. The rest of the letters come aughter it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals. I M LIVID

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• What do you call a vet that can only work on one animal? A doctor

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• When I found out that my toaster wasn't waterproof, I was shocked.

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• The bartender says "We don't serve time travelers in here." A time traveler walks into a bar.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you have bad credit, make friends with a trigonometrist. They will cosine for you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Detective 1: I think the accountant did it. I found a calculator at the crime scen. Detective 2: that adds up

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Why is Antarctica the least corrupt continent? Because it has justice

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• I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.

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• Americans are bad at clash royale.. They lost 2 towers already smh.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Studies show "not jokes" are coming back and are likely to be funnier than ever. Not.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When your kids are little you're a superhero. When they're teens you're a super villain. After that, your only power is invisibility.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My doctors office has two doctors on call at all times. Is that considered a pair a docs.

  Tags: one-liners, medical

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• When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.

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• I dressed up as a screwdriver this past Halloween. It wasn't the best costume but I still turned a lot of heads.

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• So the iPhone 7 gets arrested... He puts on his earpods and smugly declares "sorry, you can't charge me while I'm using my headphones".

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• I read a science fiction book where people drill for mercury as a power source. It was by Hg Wells.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• You know the razor blade works... when there are no reviews for it on Amazon.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• There's a pigeon walking up the driveway. I don't care what he wants. I'm not answering the door.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• There were three men at a bar. One of them ducked and the other two fell down because they hit the bar.

  Tags: bar

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• I'm really pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I've got eight fridges.

  Tags: one-liners

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• An in-depth test to see if you know how to avoid Clickbait. Apparently not!

  Tags: one-liners

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• When I was young, I thought rich people owned Bose music systems and the rest of us had Sony products. Turns out those were just stereotypes.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• When you have finished reading the dictionary? Every other book is just a remix.

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• A boy asked his dad for 10$ of bitcoin. "$9.57? Why do you need $11.48?"

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• Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you... You have my word

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• Where are average things manufactured? At the satisfactory.

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• Definition of Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of bread.

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• Why can't you use sarcasm with a kleptomaniac? Because they take things literally.

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• What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? Laughing stock.

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• How many more times are my kids going to ask me if I know where something is before they realize they're asking the wrong parent?

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• What is an astronaut's favorite key on a keyboard? Space!

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• A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

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• Why did all the prisoners at the AT&T jail escape? Because they had no bars on their cells!

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• Why can't a Samsung be disguised as an iPhone? Because eventually, its cover would be blown.

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• I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

  Tags: one-liners

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• what is it called when your crush has a crush on you too? Imagination.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Ok, what's the latest possible date that I can still make something of my life?

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• There's a lot of controversy about vaccination, but you know what I don't get? Measles.

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• Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone

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• the flat earth society has members all around the globe

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• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat? Banned from the zoo.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I tried to catch some fog, I mist.

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• I changed my password everywhere to "incorrect". That way when I forget it, it always reminds me, "Your password is incorrect".

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• I didn't lose my mind! I sold it on Ebay...

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• Why does Ireland have the fastest growing economy in the world? Because its capital is Dublin all the time!

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• What did baby corn say to mommy corn? Where's popcorn?

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• When I noticed "HI" in the alphabet I thought I had made a new friend? But then I saw the next two letters.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The truth is out there; it just hasn't been indexed well.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Hey, girl. Are you a fire alarm. Because you're annoying and wont shut up

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• If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement, Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws? It was given two consecutive sentences.

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• I am friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y

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• I bought a stunning house in the Arctic recently. Gives me chills everytime I step into it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I recently had a heated debate with a mathematician about fractions. It's fair to say that our opinions were divided

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Did you hear about the eyeglasses maker who moved his shop to an island off Alaska and is now known as an optical Aleutian?

  Tags: puns

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• Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Sauron is a great name. It has a nice ring to it

  Tags: one-liners

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• An ego and a superego walk into a bar. The bartender says "I'll have to see some id"

  Tags: one-liners

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• I am right ninety eight percent of the time - who cares about the other three percent.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are pigs so bad at soccer? They are always hogging the ball!

  Tags: one-liners, animal, sports

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• Why does the Norwegian military have barcodes on its ships? So when they return to the harbor they can Scandinavian.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer. Yeah, I gave 'em my too weak notice

  Tags: one-liners

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• I bought a book titled "How To Scam People Online" about three months ago... It still hasn't arrived.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• A physics joke. How many general-relativity theocratists does it take to change a light bulb? - Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate space.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• What do you call recycled calculus jokes? Derivative humor.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Hackers brought down my online business but I managed to keep the website address and that's domain thing.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents? Because the rest of the letters are not-E.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The Lazy Bowl Reclining toilet: It's plush while you flush!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call friends that you go out to eat with? Taste buds.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I've been running for 10 years.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Call me geometry... Because when I become difficult, guys cheat on me.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning. I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Today, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid... I can't wait to see how big my puppy is now!!!!

  Tags: one-liners

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• With my luck I'll probably be reincarnated as me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You play World of Warcraft AND Leage of Legends? Wow, lol.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My dentist mocked me today, saying that even though he's much older than me, he has healthier teeth. I said it must be because he has the better dentist.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My survey which I conducted said that 8 out of 4 people don't understand fractions.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is Dracula's favorite fruit? A nectarine.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where does a dog go when he loses his tail? a retail store

  Tags: one-liners

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• Smart people don't call themselves smart - me included.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My name is David and I had my ID stolen the other day. Now they just call me Dav.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn't jump at all.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete? She wanted to see the task manager.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Which celebrity is always ready for ice cream? Reese, with her spoon.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You could say a lot of bad things about Switzerland. But their flag is a big plus.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When you have two choices and you take one away, you have zero choices.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is David Byrne’s social security number? 444-44-4444

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Dinosaur Fact. Towards the end of the Jurassic period, the Thesaurus was the first Dinosaur to become extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If humans are at the top of the food chain... Cannibals are one step above.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin. Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippy? He was too far-out.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I bet Egyptians were all like "Yo, nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do" and then came the internet.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• The word 'function' should never function as a verb.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat. And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"

  Tags: one-liners

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• A king has 3 cups in front of him. The first 2 cups are full, the third cup is empty. What is the King's name? King Philip III

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you milk sheep? With iPhone accessories.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My doctor says I have insomnia, but I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.

  Tags: medical

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• I'm looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I'm still employed. I just can't remember where.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I'm single by choice. Unfortunately, it's not my choice.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My laziness is like the number 8. Once it lies down, it becomes infinite.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I think I want a job cleaning mirrors. It's just something I could really see myself doing.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you milk sheep? Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1000 for it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about the LEGO truck that crashed on the highway? Authorities are still trying to piece everything together...

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on. This one was written in London.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I failed my final exam on Greek mythology. It's always been my Achilles elbow

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just watched A Christmas Carol with Patrick Stewart. What he’s doing round my house I don’t know.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb? One, or two? Three, or four?

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• If you play a Windows Vista disc backwards, you can hear satanic chanting what's worse, if you play it forwards, it installs Vista.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe? Kilometery Cyrus

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• I don't think I'm strong enough anymore for my job as a personal trainer. So I guess I'll hand in my too weak notice

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear the story about the giraffe? Forget it its too long.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What do you call a boat full of polite football players? A good sportsman ship.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, sports

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• what do zombie cereal mascots say? graaaiiiins

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• What do you call a boat driving in circles for a student's education? An In-Turn Ship!

  Tags: one-liners

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• If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there..... It'll have its prose and cons.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together. At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• To the guy that invented zero... Thanks for nothing.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What type of exam does the vampire teacher give his students? A blood test.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered an amazing fact about icebergs... More below.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My magnesium levels in blood have dropped down to dangerous levels!!!! 0mg!!

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• I’m tearing out pages of the dictionary. I’m up to Mischief.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Do you know why I don't eat at Chili's or Applebee's? Because i'm old enough to microwave my own food...

  Tags: one-liners

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• No Déjà vu please...I Don't want to go through that again

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you know they don't have dad jokes in Egypt? They are called mummy jokes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did 50 Cent say to his grandmother when she made him a pair of socks? Gee, you knit?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student? Because education pays off in the long run!

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

  Tags: misc

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• I dropped my lava lamp into a deep hole in the ground. And now I can’t reach my magma lamp.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I keep getting hit by the same bike, at the same time and place, day after day... It's a vicious cycle.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just ended a 5 year relationship today. It's okay. It wasn't my relationship.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The only problem with kissing a perfect 10 is how cold the mirror feels against your lips.

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• What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil? A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok

  Tags: one-liners

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• antique-an item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again.

  Tags: misc

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• Hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing whatever to do.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people. But none of them work

  Tags: one-liners

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• Time may fly, but does it have wings?

  Tags: puns

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• In accordance to the Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle of Quantum Mechanics, we may already be in love right now.

  Tags: one-liners

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• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I had a scary math joke... But I'm 2^2 to say it

  Tags: one-liners

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• What shape is your hair in the morning? A wrecktangle. (Made up by my 10 year old daughter :)

  Tags: one-liners

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• I hate lying people, they're always in my way to the ocean.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The recipe said "Set the oven to 180 degrees" so I did, but now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Feeling pretty proud of myself. The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...

  Tags: one-liners

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• I childproofed the house… but they still get in!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you'll hear Satan. Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

  Tags: family-parents

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• Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him i was married now and that's where i sleep.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why didn't Romans use clippers to cut their hair? They prefer Caesars

  Tags: one-liners

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• Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about what happened to the really offensive joke about cows? [remooved]

  Tags: one-liners

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• $2.1 million worth of textbooks were stolen the other day. All eight books were recovered.

  Tags: one-liners

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• It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers. Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Im in a band called "Missing Cat" You've probably seen our posters...

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Went to quite a few stores to find the best prices for herbs... I think it was thyme well spent.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• This is not what adulthood looked like in the brochure.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine's Day? Cauliflowers!

  Tags: one-liners

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• As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When the bank gives my kid a lollipop I take it and eat it because I want him to understand how banks really work.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, money

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• Do you know why there's no gambling in Africa? Because there are too many cheetahs.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What do you call an aging actor who has finally paid off his house? Mortgage freeman.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does a redneck Buddhist believe in? Reintarnation.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why was titanium afraid of iron and argon? Because there is nothing to fear but FEAR itself

  Tags: one-liners

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• There are two types of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If at first you don't suceed...lower your standards!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I received an email from Google. It said, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards " I thought, "That's just spam."

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend has been a limo driver for 20 years and has never had a customer. All this time and nothing to Chauffeur it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the broom get a poor grade in school? Because it was always sweeping during class!

  Tags: one-liners

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• My British friend asked me, "Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?" I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."

  Tags: one-liners

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• PSA: Please don't call them dwarves... It's not the proper gnomenclature.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why can’t you play basketball with a sovereign citizen? They are always traveling

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won't remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks... Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I hope you never get a tetanus shot; maybe you'll windup with lockjaw.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I went to a wedding the other day. Two antennas were getting married. It wasn't much of a wedding ceremony, but it was one heck of a reception!

  Tags: puns

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• Why do british people pronounce it as bri'ish? They drank the T

  Tags: one-liners

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• For Americans - let me break down today's Glenn Maxwell cricket innings from Australia. Australia is a country and a continent.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Was asked in an interview if I could perform under pressure. I said I'm not sure but I can definitely perform "another one bites the dust"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.

  Tags: misc

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• Why should you wary of stairs? Because they are always up to something.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I asked my father how many a couple is. He said, “Two or three.”. Which might explain why his marriage failed.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Apparently they're removing the essay section from the SAT. Now it's just going to be called the T.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You might be a Redneck if you see a sign that says, "Say no to crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.

  Tags: misc

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• Most puns make me feel numb. But mathematics puns make me feel. .....number

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

  Tags: one-liners

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• You already know the punchline. What is the worst part about time travelling jokes?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call an excited fireplace? Stoked.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm sick of tired of people soaking my floor with their wet umbrellas when they come over to visit. I think it's time to make a stand.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

  Tags: one-liners

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• There’s a virus that makes us forget 80s music. It may be spreading. No one knows the Cure

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you're set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I got my tattoo artist to write “Tattoo artists are stupid” on my back. I thought I got him pretty good until I realized the joke was on me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Remember, it's not what you do... it's what you get away with.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Assist is 50% the letter "S"... The rest are just there to help.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

  Tags: crazy-jokes

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• While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Why do hockey rinks have curved corners? Because if they were 90 degrees, the ice would melt.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Neil Armstrong used to tell really bad jokes about walking on the Moon. When nobody laughed he would follow with, "Ah well. I guess you had to be there."

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was arrested the other day for stealing people's electrons. I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I got drunk and drew up a graph showing all of the relationships I've ever had. It had an ex axis, and a why axis.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours. A worst case scenario.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You gotta hand it to short people. because they can't reach it

  Tags: one-liners

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• If breaks are meant to be slow... then why do they call it "breakfast"?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper. I think he must be plotting something.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg. The Gregorian calendar

  Tags: one-liners

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• If someone calls you a nobody, just remember. Nobody's perfect.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a movie with Sonic the Hedgehog, and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've got my doctorate in palindromes. I'm now addressed as Dr.Awkward

  Tags: one-liners

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