Knock-Knock Who's There Hatch Hatch Who? God Bless You.
Tags: knock-knock
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Knock-Knock Who's There Hatch Hatch Who? God Bless You.
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkWhat does C.S. Lewis keep at the back of his wardrobe? Narnia business!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkGrey hair is hereditary - you get it from your kids.
Tags: children
PermalinkWhat is the most used language in programming? Profanity.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkWhy don't elephants smoke? Their butts don't fit in the ash tray
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhy did the cookie cry? It was feeling crumby.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkMiddle Age: when knees buckle and belts don't.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern? You use a pumpkin patch.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkQ: How many a-holes does it take to change a light bulb? A: None; a-holes never see the light anyway.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkQ: What do you get when a rooster crosses a duck? A: A bird that gets up at the quack of dawn!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhere does a Dog go when he loses his tail? Answer: A retailer
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHave you ever seen Moth Balls? You have!!! How did you get their teeny, tiny and poor little legs apart? Ya fiend!
Tags: animal
PermalinkA mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doin?" his mother asked; "you can't eat them if the seal is broken." The boy explained, "I'm looking for the seal."
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhy didn't the chicken cross the road? To prove he was chicken!
Tags: animal
PermalinkThere's a fella in a fast-food outlet, and he's just received his order of 7 hot-dogs, 9 Big Macs and 6 large Cokes. The counterhand says, "Would you like a tray?" The customer replies, "Steady on, haven't I got enough to carry already?"
Tags: misc
PermalinkThere once was a man from Hybernia, Who Rhymed himself into a hernia. He became adept At this practice except For occasional anti-climaxes.
Tags: misc
PermalinkDid you know that protons have mass? I didn't even know they were catholic.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhy did the woman cross the Road?Never mind that- what I want to know is what she was doing out of the kitchen in the first place!
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
Tags: misc
PermalinkTeacher: Billy, tell me the periodic for water. Billy:Okay. H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O. Teacher: What makes you say that? Billy: You said it was H to O.
Tags: children
PermalinkWhy did the designer break up with their font? Because it wasn't their type.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkWhy do C# and Java developers keep breaking their keyboards? Because they use a strongly typed language.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkHow many elves does it take to change a light bulb? Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to give him a boost.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkBefore he left on a business trip, the father took his young son aside. "Terence, I'm trusting you to take care of the family while I'm gone. You're going to be the man of the house." Comprehending the gravity of the situation, Terence replied soberly, "In that case, I'm gonna need the remote."
Tags: children
PermalinkWhat do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkA very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
Tags: children
Permalink"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?" "Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."
Tags: children
PermalinkOne night, a little boy and his father were having a conversation. The father asked the boy, "Can you say your ABC's, son?" "Yes I can! A...B..C..." and he goes through the whole alphebet. The father then said, "That's good, but can you say it backwords?" The boy smiles and says, "yeah", so he turns around and says, "A...B...C..."
Tags: children
Permalink"Everything that can be invented has been invented." - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
Tags: tech
PermalinkMosquitos consider most people as food, but grandma's an open bar.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. "Sorry I can't serve you," states the barman. "Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice. "You're under 21," replies the barman.
Tags: bar
PermalinkA duck hunter, proud of his markmanship, took his son out one morning to witness his skill. After some time a lone duck flew by. "Watch this," whispered the dad, as he took aim and carefully fired. The duck flew serenely on. "My boy," said the hunter, "you are witnessing a great miracle. There flies a dead duck. "
Tags: misc
PermalinkA woman's breasts are like a child's toys. They are meant for the child - but the husband is the one that usually ends up playing with them.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you get when you cross a React developer with a mathematician? A function component.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkWhen a girl needs advice, why can't her brother help her? Because he can't be a brother and assist her too. (And a sister too!)
Tags: puns
PermalinkPsychiatrist: What's your problem? Patient: I think I'm a chicken. Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on? Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
Tags: medical
PermalinkWhy are llamas big and brown? Beacause if they were small & grey, they would be mice.
Tags: animal
PermalinkA mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the family room. Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence. The girl looked at her dad and said, "It was Mom." "How do you know?" "She didn't say anything."
Tags: children
PermalinkOne day a boy said to his mom, "I'm a Picses, what are you?" The the mom answered, "Cancer." The boy then asked in a shocked state, "You killed Grandma?"
Tags: children
PermalinkKnock-Knock Who's there? Who's There. Who's there Who? I'm supposed to say Who's there!
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkWhere do you find a dog with no legs? Where you left him!
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat is black and red? An ape going down a hill!
Tags: animal
PermalinkHow do you keep a Michigan State Player out of your yard? Set up a goal post.
Tags: misc
PermalinkKnock Knock Who's there? Dustin Dustin who? Dust in the air, please let me in!
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkI went to get some paper from the stationery store, but it had moved.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI've got good news and bad news. The good news is that there is no bad news. The bad news is that there is no good news.
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow do locomotives know where they're going? Lots of training
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhen the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?" "Why, it's bean soup," she replied. "I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"
Tags: puns
PermalinkMaybe it's true that life begins at 40. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget. Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy is the word abbreviation so long?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkLittle Mikey's parents were going out, and Mikey said, "For 20 bucks, Dad, I'll be good." "Oh please," said his father. "When I was your age, I was good for nothing."
Tags: children
PermalinkWhat did the chicken say to the bully? Why don't you peck on someone your own size?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkKnock KnocK??? Who's there? Ya Ya who? Where did that cowboy come from??
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkI pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a delay. Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated. "I'm having a problem," she announced. "The ice keeps melting."
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat kind of pants do ghosts wear? Boo jeans.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkQ: Which sea animal is very grumpy? A: The crab!
Tags: animal
PermalinkChildren are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
Tags: children
PermalinkWhat key opens no lock? A Turkey!
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat did Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented? Lil Caesars
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkFor people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did the Red light say to the Green light? Don't look at me I'm changing!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkOverweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do the Star Ship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons.
Tags: idiots
PermalinkTwo guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here's that $20 I owe you," he says.
Tags: misc
PermalinkTeacher: Julia, how can you say Asshole in a nicer way? Julia: As holes.
Tags: college
PermalinkWhy is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Tags: misc
PermalinkYou might be a teacher if you have an overwhelming urge to nod and say, "Now I understand why your kid is the way he/she is," after meeting the parents.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA guy goes to the dentist and says, "How much to get these two teeth pulled?" "$80 a tooth," he replies. "For two minutes work! That's crazy!" said the patient. "Trust me," said the dentist, "You don't want me to do it any slower.
Tags: medical
PermalinkWhat was the witches favorite subject in school? SPELLing
Tags: misc
PermalinkKnock-Knock Who's there? Oscar Oscar who? Ask her a silly question, get a silly answer!
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkHow do you generate a random string? Put a Windows user in front of Vim and tell them to exit.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkPatient: "Doctor, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people." Doctor: "Tell me about your problem." Patient: "I just did, you moron!"
Tags: medical
PermalinkA woman in a cafe had ordered turtle soup, but changed her mind and asked for pea soup instead. She heard the waiter call, "Hold the turtle, make it pea!" At the next table, a man ordered the fish, but when the waiter brought it, he was holding the fish on the plate. When asked why he was holding it on the plate, he said he didn't want it to fall on the floor again.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat do you get when you cross a fish and a grizzly? A Bearacuda.
Tags: animal
PermalinkSome common phrases that bees should know: Are you are hipbee? How comb? Hive already finished.
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhy do you go to a black person's yard sale? To get your stuff back!
Tags: animal
PermalinkNatrium chloride = table salt. "Natrium", from which the symbol "Na" derives, is the German word of "sodium".
Tags: misc
PermalinkHere is a fragment of a crossword puzzle. P _ O _ _ _ Clue: Something that is often brown and hard to clean. Answer: Poodle.
Tags: misc
PermalinkMost of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it's biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails. "Great idea, honey," he smiled. "You can eat them straight out of the box."
Tags: misc
PermalinkOnce i bought a squirrel and I named it Melinda, and then I gave it food and then it died! Now I have a box named Joice Ann and I gave it some water and it fell down and then it died!
Tags: animal
Permalink"I finally got my boss to laugh," said one friend to another after work. "Oh, how?" "I asked for a raise!"
Tags: at-work
PermalinkQ: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience. A: Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkQ: What is the definition of eternity?A: 4 blondes, 4 cars, 4 stop signs.
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow many ears did Davy Crockett have? 3 - His right ear, his left ear, and his wild front-ear.
Tags: puns
PermalinkJUDGE: "The court can produce a dozen witnesses who saw you rob the bank." ROBBER: "Big deal! I can bring in hundreds of people who didn't see it!"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhy does sour cream have an Expiration date?
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkA woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
Tags: misc
PermalinkLittle Willy, full of hell, Threw his sister in the well. Their mother said when drawing water, "It's so hard to raise a daughter."
Tags: misc
PermalinkThis 40 year old guy is driving home from work and he pulls into his driveway, walked up to his apartment, and then sees his girlfriend with her bag packed up. He says, "Honey, why are you leaving me"she say, " cus I hear you're a pedifile!"He responds, "Pedifile?... Thats a pretty big word for a 10 year old, don't you think?"
Tags: children
PermalinkThe lady golfer was a determined, if not very proficient player. At each swipe she made at the ball, earth flew in all directions. "Gracious me," she exclaimed red-faced to her caddie, "the worms will think there's an earthquake." "I don't know," replied the caddie, "the worms round here are very clever. I'll bet most of them are hiding underneath the ball for safety."
Tags: sports
PermalinkA budding actor: "Dad guess what? I've got my first part in a , I play the part of a man who has been maried for 25 years." Father: "That's a good start son, just keep at it and one of these days you'll get a speaking part."
Tags: family-parents
PermalinkI didn't lose my mind! I sold it on Ebay...
Tags: one-liners
Permalink"Mr. johns, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
Tags: men
PermalinkA wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style."If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef.""Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."
Tags: women
PermalinkA seven year old boy goes to the hospital with his grandmother to visit his grandfather. When they arrive there he runs ahead of his granny and bursts into his grandpa's room. "Grandpa, as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog," he shouted. "What for?" asked his grandpa. "Grandma said that as soon as you croaked, we're going to Disneyland"
Tags: family-parents
PermalinkIf at first you don't succeed ... avoid skydiving.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days. MacDougal said, "Sure'n I'll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?"
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhen I saw that item, I said to my wife, "I don't think spaghetti grows on trees", so we'd looked it up in Encyclopædia Britannica. Do you know, Miall, Encyclopædia Britannica doesn't even mention spaghetti.
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow is a computer like an air conditioner? When you open Windows it won't work!
Tags: tech
PermalinkWhat did the bald man say when he was given a comb for his birthday? "Oh, thank you! I'll never part with it!"
Tags: puns
PermalinkAndy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup Play-Offs. I put my foot through the television."
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy does it take longer to get from 1st to 2nd base, than it does to get from 2nd to 3rd base? Because there’s a Shortstop in between!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhy did the limping man sit on a scorpion? He thought that it would be "pinched"!
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat's the difference between snow men and snow women? Snow BALLS! (Ding dong kind)
Tags: misc
PermalinkIf I travelled to the end of the rainbow, As Dame Fortune did intend, Murphy would be there to tell me, The pot's at the other end.
Tags: misc
PermalinkHave you heard about the amazing new discovery? It's a pill that is half aspirin and half glue for people who suffer from splitting headaches.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's a bigamist? A heavy fog in Naples!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkLittle Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
Tags: children
PermalinkPlease contact us. We are happy to answer questions, and we are always eager to make Wocka.com a better place.
Tags: misc
PermalinkKid says to mom:"The babysitter's an angel! She was naked in the garden and screamed God I'm coming! Lucky daddy was holding her from behind to keep her here!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ)A hippo is sitting on your chair....what time is it? A)Time to get a new chair
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAtlas is the biggest thief in history, because he held up the whole world.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAnnouncer, at a diving competition: "Ladies and gentlemen, we have both good and bad news to announce. The good news is that the dive just performed was fantastic and the judges have managed to give it a full score of ten. The bad news is... there was no water in the pool."
Tags: misc
PermalinkA book never written: L.O.L. (lots o' logs) by P. Lumyum
Tags: misc
PermalinkIn the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy did the developer go to therapy? They had too many unresolved issues.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkHow are women and a tornado alike? They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
Tags: misc
Permalink3 SQL statements walk into a NoSQL bar. Soon, they walk out They couldn't find a table.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkGolf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.
Tags: sports
PermalinkThe smartest dogs are the Jack Russell Terrier and Scottish Border collie. Dumbest: Afgan hound. A rat can go without water longer than a camel can. The fat molecules in goat's milk are 5 times smaller than those found in cow's milk. It takes 20 minutes for the stomach to break down as opposed to the hour that it takes to break down cow's milk.
Tags: misc
PermalinkThere are two hard problems in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Tags: tech, classic
PermalinkGardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do soccer players drink? Penaltea!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkHow do you comfort a designer? You give them some space... between the elements.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkMurphy's Law of Cable TV If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThen there was the neat nurse, who made the patient without disturbing the bed.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSpeak your mind out when you're angry. You'll make the best speech you'll ever live to regret.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMik and mak are having a pillow fight. Mak whacks mik hard. Mik yells "are you jamaican because ja maican me crazy!"
Tags: puns
Permalinklittle susie was looking through her mothers purse and found a tampon and said what is this ? her mother said a pen. so later on that day he mother went shopping and an elderly man said miss do you have a pen and so little susie said it's in mommy's bagina !!!! so the old mans teeth fell out and he dropped to huis knees and said do you want me to search?
Tags: children
PermalinkWhy does Tommy run around the school track 98 times every day? He has a run track mind.
Tags: puns
PermalinkCan I watch the TV? Yes, but don’t turn it on.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkIf you are in darkness, then pray to God. If you are still in darkness, then go and pay your electricity bill......
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkIf there are 12 cats on a fence and 1 cat jumps off, how many are left? None, they're all copycats!
Tags: animal
PermalinkA lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client with a note that said, "This bill is one year old. "By return mail, the lawyer received the bill back with a note attached to it, saying: "Happy Birthday. "
Tags: misc
PermalinkBilly: i know a person who is 35 and still in 4th grade! Eddie: Really! who? Billy: My teacher!
Tags: children
PermalinkHere's a little tip from me to you as an experienced traveler. Wake-up calls are the worst way to wake up. The phone rings, it's loud and you can't turn it down. I leave the number of the room next to me. It just rings very quietly and you hear a guy yell, "Why are you calling me?" Then I get up and take a shower. It's great.
Tags: misc
PermalinkOnly in America can a President have relations in the oral office
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA kid named Ron lost his mom and dad. He went to the hospital to say, "I wanna baby! Waaaaaaaaaaa!" The nurse said, "You're a male! Males don't have babies! And you're too young!" He died by biting his finger really hard.
Tags: children
PermalinkJustin: If you give me a quarter, I'll give you everything in my lunch box. Zach: That depends... what's in your lunchbox? Justin: Nothing!
Tags: children
PermalinkQ: How do you serve food in space? A: On flying saucers
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat do you call a guy with no arms or legs floating in the ocean? Bob!
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: How many Harvard grads does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkThis really happened (honest!) A man was receiving death threats from another man, so he took him to court. The judge threw the case out on the basis that "the threats obviously hadn't been carried out." Really, how stupid can you get?
Tags: misc
PermalinkIf you fall down a bottomless pit... do you eventually die of starvation?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a dinosaur that is able to give you a synonym for any word you give him? Answer: A Thesaurus! :)
Tags: animal
PermalinkCinfuscious says : It is nice to meet a woman in the park but is better to park meat in a woman.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkRich texans are fabled for their grand style but when one oil tycoon appeared at a local golf course followed by a servant pulling a foam-cushioned chaise- lounge, his opponents thought that was taking style too far."J.R., are you going to make that poor caddie lug that couch all over the course after you?" he was asked."Caddie, my eye," explained J.R. "That's my psychiatrist."
Tags: family-parents
PermalinkQ: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs. A: Only one. ''Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb?''
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhy did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
Tags: puns, classic
PermalinkQ: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... and one to change the bulb.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkMan: How many asian people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Asian Man: Whats a lightbulb?
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkHere's a good trick to try on people... Say to them: "I'm going to ask you two questions. one you have to answer yes, the other you have to answer no. 1st question: Are you stupid? <(you can put in anything you want here) 2nd question: Are you a liar?
Tags: misc
PermalinkSome people have friends who are dwarfs, not me I have a friend who is a midget dwarf. He is the guy who poses for the sport trophys
Tags: medical
PermalinkI used to be schizophrenic, but now we're just fine
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhen I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15."
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat bird can't fly as high as you can jump? A bird in a cage.
Tags: misc
PermalinkTwo Welsh sheepherders are perfoming unnatural acts with two of their herd simultaneously. One turns to the other, disgustedly, and says, "I hear they're doing this to women in England!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't? Depreciation.
Tags: at-work
PermalinkRussian company: You have two cows. You drink some vodka and count them again. You have five cows. The Russian Mafia shows up and takes however many cows you have.
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat do you get hanging from Apple trees? Sore arms.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkAs the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray." "Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."
Tags: military
PermalinkWhat' did the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift.
Tags: puns
PermalinkToday I picked up my mother-in-law at the airport. She's getting a little up there. She's at the age where she doesn't remember things too well. So when I saw her I said, "Thanks for coming. Have a nice flight!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkDo you know why there are no Wal-Marts in Iraq? Because there are so many Targets.
Tags: misc
Permalink1. Who's idea was it to put "s" in the word "Lisp"? 2. Trust in God, but keep your car locked. 3. They say that swimming is good for your figure. If so, what happened to whales?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA father watched his young son practice baseball in the backyard by throwing the ball up and swinging at it. Time and time again the bat missed contact. The boy noticed his father watching, and said, "Wow, Dad! Aren't I a great pitcher?"
Tags: sports
PermalinkBOB: Hey, I ran into George the other day. JOE: Oh, really? Was he happy to see you? BOB: Well, we were in our cars at the time...
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhat are Martians favorite sweets? Mars-mallows.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkOne time I went school shopping... AND BOUGHT THREE SCHOOLS!!!
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy did the chewing gum cross the road? Because it was stuck to the chicken's feet.
Tags: animal
PermalinkQ. What's the difference between your wife and your job ? A. After 5 years your job will still suck.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." - Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
Tags: at-work
PermalinkI went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQuick - Cheap - Good Pick 2. - Dennis Robertus.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a blonde at a University?A visitor.
Tags: misc
PermalinkYou know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same stuff?
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat did the pirate say when he got cold? Shiver me timbers!!!
Tags: misc
PermalinkA lovely young lady named Kim Went down to the river to swim A man in a punt Stuck an oar in her eye And now she has to wear glasses.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ. What do me and a mirror have in common? A. When we see your face we both crack up!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did the Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer? Cool Ranch!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkPolice in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkKnock knock. Who's there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in, it's raining!
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkHey! I recognize you! You're the third one over on the evolutionary scale!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIs one Nobel Prize so much to ask from a child after all I've done?
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat if there were no hypothetical questions?Why does the word 'monosyllabic' have so many syllables?
Tags: misc
PermalinkAn actual headline: Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted.
Tags: misc
PermalinkI tried surfing the internet. The waves were terrible but the connection was great.
Tags: tech, ocean
PermalinkWhy did the developer go broke buying Bitcoin? He kept calling it bytecoin and didn't get any.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkHow do you organize a space party? You planet.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhat is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkAn actual headline: "Include Your Children When Baking Cookies"
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ. How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. None. It's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark. Don't worry about me...
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkConfidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkQ: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb? A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkEvery day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy arm started to hurt me so I asked a doctor to examine it. She looked at my arm and brought out a medical book and studies it for about 10 minutes. Then she said to me, "Have you ever had that pain before?"I nodded yes. "Well, you've got it again. "
Tags: misc
PermalinkPrivate Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offense. "You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty days' pay," said the officer. "All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."
Tags: misc
PermalinkKnock-Knock Who's there? life life who? A life is what you need to get!
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkHow many ADHD kids does it take to change a lightbulb? It takes twenty se- hey, this is in the wrong category!
Tags: puns
PermalinkLady: How do I spread love in this cruel world? Random Dude: [...💘]
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkWhy are mummys scared of vacation? They're afraid to unwind.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkIf a guy is a "chick magnet", and opposites attract, doesn't that make him gay?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA child named Bob was running through the neighbor's garden. "Hey!" shouted the neighbor, "I thought I told you not to let me catch you here again!" "Right!" replied the boy, "and you haven't caught me yet!"
Tags: children
PermalinkA guy was smoking a cigarette. Another guy comes up to him and asks, "Do you have an extra cigarette?" The first guy looks at the box and reads that it contains 20 cigarettes. He counts all the cigarettes in his box and says,"Nope, don't got any extra cigarettes".
Tags: misc
PermalinkKnock Knock! Who's there? Who who. Who who who? Is there an owl in here?
Tags: knock-knock
Permalink"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles."My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."
Tags: money
PermalinkWhat starts with an E, ends with an E and usually contains only one letter? ENVELOPE!
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: What is big and grey and comes in quarts? A: An elephant.
Tags: animal
PermalinkFOREST WARDEN: "Which of you saw this rare tree get cut down? CAMPER: "Only the chain saw."
Tags: puns
PermalinkQ: Why do Hondas and Hyundais have standard rear-window defoggers? A: So your hands don't get cold when you're pushing them. Q: What is the difference between a Porsche and a Porcupine? A: With a Porsche, the pricks are on the inside.
Tags: tech
PermalinkThe law of drunkenness- You can't fall off the floor.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkDo Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb? One I hope.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkQ: why did the man get fired from the Orange Juice factory? A: He wasn't concentrating.
Tags: misc
Permalink"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her room-mate. "Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce." "Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?" "He was the original owner!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkKnock Knock. Who's there? Are you, Are you who? Are you going to let me in or not?
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkChuck Norris has two speeds - walk and kill. Chuck Norris sold law and order for using the names of his arms and legs. Chuck Norris hides his third arm underneath his beards. When Chuck Norris does a push up he is not pushing himself up, he is pushing the world down.
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow many republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they only screw the poor.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkThe policeman stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name. "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Columbia," she said. The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well, OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."
Tags: at-work
PermalinkQ: Did you hear the joke about the jump rope? A: No, I skipped it!
Tags: sports
Permalink"What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?" "I don't know; and I couldn't care less."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTwo carrots are walking down the street one day when a car suddenly comes flying around the corner and runs one of them over. At the hospital, the doctor says to the other carrot, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is your friend is going to live. The bad news is he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
Tags: puns
PermalinkAn actual sign outside a house: The dog is okay. Beware of the owner
Tags: misc
PermalinkA chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb? A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkQ: What did baby corn say to mama corn? A: Where's pop corn?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTeacher: If you stood with your back to the north and faced due south, what would be on your left hand? Lisa: Fingers
Tags: children
PermalinkHow do you keep a Rhino from charging? Take away its credit card.
Tags: animal
PermalinkA guy came home to his wife and said to her:"Guess what?I've found a great job. A 10am start, 2pm finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week in the hand to boot!""That's great," his wife said."Yeah, it's unreal," he agreed."You start Monday."
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: What did Tarzan say to Jane when he saw the elephants coming? A: Here come the elephants.
Tags: animal
PermalinkDefinition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAlways keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Tags: one-liners
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