This is what happen to a boy and his father: Son: dad i want to marry. Father: who do you want to marry? Son: your mother. Father: why do you want to marry my mother? Son: because you also marry my mother. :)
Tags: misc
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This is what happen to a boy and his father: Son: dad i want to marry. Father: who do you want to marry? Son: your mother. Father: why do you want to marry my mother? Son: because you also marry my mother. :)
Tags: misc
PermalinkAn elderly couple was having a conversation, and the wife asked her husband a simple question :- "Boxers or briefs?" Her husband replied :- "Depends."
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkQ: How many giraffes will fit into a Mini? A: None. It's full of elephants.
Tags: animal
PermalinkQ: How do you shoot a red elephant? A: Hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.
Tags: animal
Permalink"How can you stand it?" the young psychiatrist asked the old psychiatrist. "Day in, day out, year in, year out, listening, listening, listening!" "Who listens?"
Tags: medical
PermalinkQ: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkAn older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?" 'Yeah,' the man answered, 'I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life.' 'But you look like Abe Lincoln.' protested the barkeep. 'That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago.'
Tags: bar
PermalinkQ: How are lawyers like nuclear weapons?A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
Tags: misc
PermalinkSometimes people with a lot of cents have little sense.
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhen does running mean walking? When you're running out of gas!
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkDo you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is? In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkHow many Microsoft Employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they'll just make darkness the new industry standard!
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkAn Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman and a fat man are all going skydiving. When they get to jump the Englishman shouts, "God save England!" The Scotsman shouts, "God save Scotland!" The Irishman shouts, "God save Ireland!" Then the fat man jumps and shouts, "God save whoever I land on!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: Did you hear the joke about the jump rope? A: No, I skipped it!
Tags: sports
PermalinkWhat did the dog say to the two trees? Bark bark.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhy did the pencil cross the road? It was lead!
Tags: puns
PermalinkMoney can't buy everything... but then again, neither can no money.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDrink apple juice, because O.J. will kill you. (O.J. = Orange Juice)
Tags: puns
PermalinkA chicken and an egg check into a cheap motel room.Moments later the chicken sits up against the headboard and lights a cigarette. The egg says, "Well, that settles that."
Tags: misc
PermalinkAlways remember that you are unique, just like everybody else!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy can't bicycles stand on their own? They are two tired
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkI was teaching my 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt. She asked, "Do I click the square?" I said yes. She then asked me, "Single click or double click?"
Tags: children
PermalinkAoccdrnig to rscheearch codnutced at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,it deosn't mttaer waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are tpyed,the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit oedrer. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey ltteer by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat did one snowman say to the other snowman? Do you smell carrots?
Tags: misc
PermalinkYou know what would be odd? Some one with a deep, dark voice calls you and says, "I know what your phone number is...heh heh..."
Tags: misc
PermalinkOne day a man came home from work and he was greeted by his wife. She told that she has good news and that she had bad news. He said "Well, give me the good news first." She said "The good news is that the air bag works."
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow do you make a hankie dance? Put a little boogie in it.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhere does Superman's goldfish live ? In the superbowl....
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhy do snakes always lose in court? Answer: They don't have a leg to stand on!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA wig factory was broken into last night and a large quantity of wigs was stolen. Police are combing the area.
Tags: puns
PermalinkQ: Why are frogs so happy? A: They eat whatever bugs them!
Tags: animal
PermalinkA Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?" The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant."
Tags: at-work
PermalinkKid 1: You did it again! Kid 2: What? What did I do? Kid 1: You know, that thing. Kid 2: What thing? Kid 1: That thing when your lips move and sound comes out.
Tags: children
PermalinkQ: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Depends on how many lightbulbs need changing.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ: What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal balls? A: Sparky!
Tags: animal
PermalinkVacation begins when dad says. "I know a shortcut"!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do you know if a blond has used a computer?A:if there's white out on the screen.
Tags: computers
PermalinkRoses are red, Roses are yellow; Grandfather's teeth Are lost in the Jello.
Tags: misc
PermalinkIf you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA precocious 4-year-old was brought to the ER with a severe cough, a nurse writes. She kept up a non-stop conversation while I was trying to assess her lung sounds. Finally, I said, "Shhh, I have to see if Barney is in there." The child looked at me and said, "I have Jesus in my heart. Barney is on my underwear."
Tags: children
PermalinkHow much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkIt was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father."Let's try to make this look natural," she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder."The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?"
Tags: family-parents
PermalinkSo I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local swimming baths?" He said, "It depends where you're calling from."
Tags: puns
PermalinkHow do you check if a webpage is HTML5? Try it out on Internet Explorer
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkWho tows the tow trucks when they break down?
Tags: misc
PermalinkTwo kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat. The first kid said, "My dad is so scared that, when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed." "Oh, yeah? That's nothing," said the second kid. "My dad is so scared that, when my mom has to work the night shift, he goes next door to sleep with Mrs. Jones!"
Tags: children
PermalinkWhy did Tom throw butter outside the window? Because he wanted to see the butter-fly.
Tags: puns
Permalinkwhat did the 1 tampon say to the next tampon?? see you next peirod
Tags: women
PermalinkTeacher: Jimmy! Count from one all the way to ten! Jimmy: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10. Teacher: Good, now what comes after that? Jimmy:Jack, queen and king!
Tags: children
PermalinkA blonde and a brunette were walking down the dark basement stairs to find a wrench. When they were half way down the stairs the blonde screamed. "What's wrong?" "Something brushed against my right leg!!" So both the brunette and the blonde were running around the basement screaming. "I keep feeling it!! Make it stop! Wait" The blonde said. "That was just my left leg!"
Tags: blonde-jokes
PermalinkA little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Tags: family-parents
PermalinkOne night, after a long hard day at work a politician went home. It was fairly late, around 10:00 p.m.All of the sudden, a masked man jumped out of the bushes and demanded all the politician's money."You can't do that!!" The politician cried. "I'm a politician!""Oh," said the masked man, "in that case give me all MY money!!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy did the burglar hang his mugshot on the wall? To prove that he was framed!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkA detective was questioning a burglary suspect. "Where were you between five and six?" he asked. "In kindergarten!" he replied
Tags: children
PermalinkMy next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy did Humpty dumpty go to the shrink? Cause he was half cracked.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkA little boy is adopted from Korea and is flown to the USA to meet his new parents. A few years later the parents decide to adopt again on the way to the airport the little boy sees planes coming in to land. He says to his mother, "Look at all the babies being born." (he thinks all babies come on air planes Ha Ha)
Tags: children
PermalinkBefore he left on a business trip, the father took his young son aside. "Terence, I'm trusting you to take care of the family while I'm gone. You're going to be the man of the house." Comprehending the gravity of the situation, Terence replied soberly, "In that case, I'm gonna need the remote."
Tags: children
PermalinkHow many football players does it take to change a lightbulb? The whole team - and they each get a semester scholarship for it.
Tags: sports
PermalinkHow many Dominicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Dominican one to hold the bulb and Dominican two to turn Dominican one
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhat do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
Tags: misc
PermalinkTwo guys are eating a hamburger at a fast food place. 1st Guy- Does your hamburger taste funny? 2nd Guy- No just yours. Mine doesn't have a sense of humor.
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhy is it that every time we blow our noses, we look inside the tissue afterwards? Are we expecting something other than boogers? Or are we checking to make sure they have not run off?
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow are false teeth like stars? They come out at night!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkThose who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you do if you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Tags: animal
PermalinkMy mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy can't blondes put in lightbubs? Because they keep breaking them with hammers.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhat did the porcupine say to the cactus? "Is that you, mommy?"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAttending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why is the groom wearing black?"
Tags: deep-thoughts
PermalinkHow come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMarriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkKnock-Knock. Who's there? Yoo who? No thanks.
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkQ: How many ''pro-lifers'' does it take to change a light bulb? A: 6: 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhat do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahahaha.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkSo this kid has been using lots of his dad's money and the dad says, "Do you think money grows on trees?" "Ya," says the kid. "Well, it doesn't," says the dad. "So what is money made out of, Dad?" "Paper," the dad says. "And what is paper made out of?" "Shut up."
Tags: misc
PermalinkThe first typewriter was called the "literary piano." Frogs can't swallow with their eyes open. A duck's quack doesn't echo. August has the highest percentage of births.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?New Jersey got to pick first.
Tags: misc
PermalinkOn the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:
Tags: holidays
PermalinkAfter a nice dinner the two couples got up from the table. The ladies went into the kitchen and the men went into the family room. One of the gents said to the other, "I think it is so wonderful how you call your wife, "honey pie" and "sweet pea", and "sugar" all the time. The other gent said, "Well to tell you the truth, four years ago, I forget her name."
Tags: men
PermalinkMy dad has always told me that putting in a little effort and dedication on the job never hurt anyone. Then again, he never heard of worker's comp.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThere was a man who went to buy some guns. The salesman at the store asked what he wanted to shoot. He said, "Cans" So the salesman asked, "What kind of cans?" "Ameri-cans, Afri-cans,,,,"
Tags: misc
PermalinkMy grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ: What did the Dallas chief of police say when the elephant walked into the police station? A: Nothing! He didn't notice.
Tags: animal
PermalinkHow many boy scouts does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three- Each to do one good turn daily.
Tags: misc
PermalinkDid you hear about the cannibal who was late to dinner? He got the cold shoulder.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5000 miles.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkA man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor doctor! I can't eat food through my mouth cause it hurts" The doc says "Try eating through your bum, it might help" A few weeks later the doctor sees the man walking down the road in a very weird way, he asks "Why are you walking like that? Are you hurt?" The man replies "No you fool! I'm chewing a toffie"
Tags: medical
PermalinkQ: What did the chicken say after it crossed the road? A: "Why is everyone always talking about me?"
Tags: misc
PermalinkTeacher: Name an animal that lives in the tundra. Pupil:A reindeer. Teacher: Good, now name another one. Pupil: Another reindeer.
Tags: children
PermalinkA father watched his young son practice baseball in the backyard by throwing the ball up and swinging at it. Time and time again the bat missed contact. The boy noticed his father watching, and said, "Wow, Dad! Aren't I a great pitcher?"
Tags: sports
PermalinkA girl walks into a bar and sits down with her friend. She is feeling down, so she talks to her friend. Her friend says "Go get a beer." She says she didn't want one. Then the friend says "Hey, who said it was for you?" copyright fox corp.
Tags: bar
PermalinkLawyers creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience. A: Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkActual Newspaper Headline: Kids Make Great Snacks For Teachers.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkKnock Knock. Who's there? Are you, Are you who? Are you going to let me in or not?
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkA man is playing poker, and sees a sign that says: If You Have A Gambling Problem call 1-800-GAMBLING. So the man calls the hotline and says, "The guy on my right has an ace and a two, I have a three and a jack, there is a four, a five, and a queen on the table, what should I do?"
Tags: misc
PermalinkAt weddings old people poke me and say, "You're next!" At funerals, I do the same.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhere do fish keep their money? In a riverbank!
Tags: animal
PermalinkTop Ten Changes at NASA to accommodate 76 year-old John Glenn's return to space aboard the shuttle "Discovery:"
Tags: misc
PermalinkI gave up Thai boxing because I felt the Thais were getting fed up being put in boxes.
Tags: puns
PermalinkCan you decipher this phrase? EHCA Backache!
Tags: animal
PermalinkAh...all the good things we get out of electricity: the T.V., computer, coffee machine, lights, and much more. What happens when the electricity goes out? You stop complaining that you can't watch T.V. or send an E-mail, and go buy battery-powered things!
Tags: misc
PermalinkRegistered users win points for submitting and voting on jokes.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI used facebook for a few days and got addicted to it. I've been studying since I was 6. Why the hell am I not addicted to it?
Tags: tech
PermalinkCan you decipher this phrase? A R M S Open arms!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat animal is always at a game of cricket? A bat.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkPolice Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother? New Recruit: Call for backup!
Tags: at-work
PermalinkWhat was the last thing that Abraham Lincoln did? He died.
Tags: misc
PermalinkI was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
Tags: misc
Permalink"Wow," said Joan after she saw that her friend got glasses. "You like my new glasses?", asked Peter. "Yep. They make you look really smart.", replied Joan. "I know. That's what my mom said. That's why I wear them in math class."
Tags: children
PermalinkThe hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of bread.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Tags: one-liners
Permalink-What do you call a dog in a submarine? -A sub-woofer.
Tags: puns
Permalink"I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends. "First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy." "Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathized his friends. "I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had."
Tags: college
PermalinkSome Wocka jokes have been picked by the system as the "joke of the day". However, how can you know which day the joke was picked? Searching does not work, and it will be very tiring to browse page after page. Look at its comments and see in which day it received lots of comments!
Tags: misc
PermalinkMy friend works in a post office. One day, a man handed ten postcards to my friend and ask her to put them in the mailbox. She noticed that they had all been addressed but none of them contained a message, so she asked the man why the postcards nothing written on them. The man said, "I told everyone that I'd send postcards, but I didn't say I'd write a message."
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat do you give the person who has everything? A box to keep it all in.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's the difference between the teacher and the one who minds trains? The teacher trains minds, the other minds trains.
Tags: college
PermalinkWhy don't elephants smoke? Their butts don't fit in the ash tray
Tags: puns
PermalinkA woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales. "Why Bloomingdales?" asked the rabbi. "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
Tags: family-parents
PermalinkHow many ADHD kids does it take to change a lightbulb? It takes twenty se- hey, this is in the wrong category!
Tags: puns
PermalinkI put a blank tape in my TV and turned the volume all the way up. The mime next door went crazy and called the cops.
Tags: misc
PermalinkI wish my name was Gary Boone! Do you wanna know why? Because, then, my name could be goon... you see, because you take the "G" from Gary and the "oone" from Boone to get Goon! But, you know, that's not the worst nickname. The person that does have the worst nickname is my friend, Phil Hart. I can't even tell you what we call him...
Tags: children
PermalinkI did your mom... ...a favor by making you... ...lunch.
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow come people are willing to get up off their butts to search the whole room for the remote, because they refuse to get up and change channels manually?
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out). A: It's out?? Sell my G.E. stock NOW!
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhy do they have braille on drive-thru ATMs?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkGrey hair is hereditary - you get it from your kids.
Tags: children
PermalinkIt's so easy, it makes pie look hard.
Tags: animal
PermalinkIf I were to be pun-ish-ed For every little pun I shed I'd hide me to a punny shed And there I'd hang my punnish head.
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhat do you call a monkey in a mine field? A babooooom!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkThere are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a one-legged lady? Eileen!
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhy didn't the skeleton go to the party? He had no body to go with.
Tags: classic, one-liner
PermalinkTo make a long story short, well, it helps if the boss walks in!
Tags: at-work
PermalinkWhy did the dinosaur cross the road? Because chickens weren't invented yet.
Tags: animal
Permalink'How long will the next bus be?' 'About eighteen feet.'
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's better than roses on your piano?? Tulips on your organ! (two-lips)
Tags: misc
PermalinkThe cop got out of his and walked up to the kid who was stopped for speeding. He rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Tags: misc
PermalinkPatient: "Doctor, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people." Doctor: "Tell me about your problem." Patient: "I just did, you moron!"
Tags: medical
PermalinkQ)Where do penguins go to dance? A)The snowball
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy is it dangerous to go in the jungle after 5 p.m? Because elephants jump out of trees after 5 p.m. Why do beavers have flat tails? Because they go in the jungle after 5 p.m!
Tags: animal
PermalinkOne day I was standing in the park wondering how frisbees get bigger when they get closer. Then it hit me.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe other day, I saw my friend with a big puffy red nose. I asked her what happened and she said, "I stopped to smell a brose," then I said, "wait, there's no b in rose!" She said, "Well, there was in that one!!
Tags: animal
PermalinkFrom a brunette's point of view: Blondes may have more fun but hey, at least we can read!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding? You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkGuy1: Thats a bunch of cows. Farmer: No, a herd. Guy1: Of course I've heard of cows. Farmer:.No, I mean the cow herd Guy1: I have no secrets from cows
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhy can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it'd be a foot!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhat's the difference between a guitar and a fish? You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna"fish!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkAnd out of the night came the terrible scream, "Who put the sand in the Vaseline!?"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkKnock Knock Who's there? Doris Doris who? Door is shut thats why i knocked!
Tags: knock-knock
Permalink"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?" the friend replied. "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkA lovely young lady named Kim Went down to the river to swim A man in a punt Stuck an oar in her eye And now she has to wear glasses.
Tags: misc
PermalinkFollowing questions and answers were collated from recent British GCSE exams (16 year olds)!
Tags: school
PermalinkQ: How do you know there are four elephants in your refrigerator? A: There's an empty Mini parked outside.
Tags: animal
PermalinkSoccer Coach: Why didn't you stop the ball? New Goalie: I thought that was what the net was for!
Tags: sports
PermalinkThe first TV network kids show in the U.S. was "Captain Kangaroo." Before 1687 clocks were made with only an hour hand. There are towns named Sandwich in Illinois and Massachusetts. Caterpillars have over 2,000 muscles.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhen I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15."
Tags: misc
PermalinkTalk about anything you want here. O.K. I will. You really need to quit submitting jokes like this. Anybody agree with me?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy was the designer always cold? Because they always used too much ice-olation.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkDid you hear about the accident at the army base? A jeep ran over a box of popcorn & killed 2 colonels
Tags: military
PermalinkAll lazy peoples' slogan must be "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese." But fear not for all of you who wake up early just keep this in mind: The first cat gets the mouse.
Tags: animal
PermalinkA bicycle can't stand alone because it is two tired.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy was Cinderalla thrown out of the football team? Because she ran away from the ball.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkQ: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? A: Halfway.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat does the turtle do in the Olympics? The hurdle run!
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat's the best thing about elevator jokes? They work on so many levels.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhy don't eggs tell jokes? Because they would crack each other up.
Tags: classic, dad
PermalinkDid you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkBOB: Have you changed the water in the fish bowl yet? MARGE: No, it hasn't drunk the water I gave it a week ago.
Tags: children
PermalinkEver wonder why your ears are where they are? Just think, if they were on your butt, you would have to pull down your pants to hear what I'm saying --REDD FOXX
Tags: misc
PermalinkDoctor doctor! I keep thinking I'm invisible! WHO SAID THAT?!?!?
Tags: medical
Permalinkson:daddy daddy why are we pushing the car over a cliff? Dad:shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!You'll wake grandma.
Tags: family-parents
PermalinkWhat is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; if ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkNewsboy: Extra, extra!Read all about it-two men swindled. Man:Give me one. Say, there isn't anything about two men being swindled. Newsoy: Extra, extra!Three men swindled.
Tags: misc
PermalinkI was walking around and I saw somebody selling a shirt that said this: F.B.I. Female Body Inspector
Tags: misc
PermalinkSometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral. -- Robert Orben
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA brunette said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTwo rednecks had just gone fishing and brought in the largest amount of fish they had ever seen. One said to the other, "Did you mark the place where the fishing was so good?""Yes, I put an X on the side of the boat. ""You idiot. That if we were gonna take a different boat next time?"
Tags: idiots
PermalinkWhat’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkAron: Throw all of your fish in the air. Jake: Why? Aron: So I can tell my mom I honestly caught them.
Tags: children
PermalinkThere was a really clever blonde, Tinkerbell, Santa Claus and a really clever brunette all in a competition to win a million Pounds. The question is "Which one won it?"The really clever brunette cos none of the others exist.
Tags: misc
PermalinkLady : Is this my train? Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company. Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean, can I take this train to Kuala Lumpur? Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
Tags: misc
PermalinkOverheard in a doctor's waiting room: "My uncle had a cough like yours and he died. Mind you, he was hiding under his neighbour's bed at the time."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow many snobby girls does it take to change a lightbulb? All of them, they try, break a nail, and come crying home.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkA girl was throwing stones at a cow. Her father came & scolded her for throwing the stones at the cow & then told to her that cows are like mothers to them & should be respected. Next day guests come to their to their house & asked for her father. She said "Father is pressing breast of mother".
Tags: children
PermalinkAfter picking up food for his daughter's cat, George spied a new bowl for the pet and grabbed it too. "Shall I have the cat's name written on the side of the bowl?" offered the store owner. "No, don't bother," replied George. "He can't read anyway."
Tags: animal
Permalink"Tomorrow is a boiling hot day, at 10 degrees Fahrenheit. The day after that is the same temperature, as well as the next and the next. Won't these temperatures ever cool down?"
Tags: at-work
PermalinkIf someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced? A buck an ear.
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhat happens when the smog clears over southern California? UCLA
Tags: puns
PermalinkQ: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb? A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhy do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI tried for years to snap my thumb and finger together - and suddenly it clicked!
Tags: puns
PermalinkCan you decipher this phrase? SMOKE G Go up in smoke!
Tags: animal
PermalinkTwo men walk into a bar. The third man ducks.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat do you do when you see a space man? Park your car, man.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkA guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!".The wife says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?"He says, "I don't care. Just get the hell out!"
Tags: men
PermalinkA distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is, because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
Tags: medical
PermalinkWhy can't Osama sleep with any of his 5 wives? Because all he sees is bush.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat happens when you anger a brain surgeon? They will give you a piece of your mind.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhat is the name of the baseball player who sits under a tree? Babe Root!
Tags: sports
PermalinkThe road by my house was in bad condition. Every day, I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning. Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. Where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words, "Rough Road."
Tags: misc
PermalinkMr. Benton thought he had had the last word when he presented his ex-wife with an unusual gift for her birthday. A tombstone on which he had carved, "Here lies my ex-wife Sonja.....cold as usual." Much to his surprise, however, his wife one-upped him for his birthday with a tombstone of his own on which she'd had carved, "Here lies my ex-husband Bennett.....stiff at last."
Tags: men
PermalinkWhy do ducks make great detectives? They always quack the case.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkThis guy comes walking out of a store carrying a big grandfather's clock. A drunk man bumps into him and the guy drops the clock and smashes it all to hell. The guy says, "Why don't you watch where you're going?" and the drunk says, "Why don't you carry a wrist watch like everybody else?"
Tags: misc
PermalinkCovina, Calif: I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, "I led the pigeons to the flag." Cleveland, Ohio: When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know - "I pledge allegiance to the flag and to the Republic for Richard Stands."
Tags: children
PermalinkWhy did the programmer bring a broom to work? To clean up all the bugs.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkQ: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change. A: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkTo understand what recursion is... You must first understand what recursion is
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkWhen I die I want to go peacefully - like my grandfather did - in his sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe word 'function' should never function as a verb.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.
Tags: tech
PermalinkPlease contact us. We are happy to answer questions, and we are always eager to make Wocka.com a better place.
Tags: misc
PermalinkThere is a major difference between the way a dog thinks and the way a cat thinks. A dog says, "You feed me, shelter me, pamper me, and love me. You must be God." A cat says, "You feed me, shelter me, pamper me, and love me. I must be God."
Tags: animal
PermalinkI want to kick the guy who invented the snooze button...then five minutes later, I'll kick him again. Thanks Andrew!
Tags: tech
PermalinkWhy did the half blind man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhat do you call a fashionable lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythmn? A metro-gnome
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkThis site is dead. There has been an all-time low in traffic. No one posts anymore. The end of the site is a tragic one, and I will miss the site. Wocka has fallen from its high branch. Submit your hate towards, but you know it's true.
Tags: misc
PermalinkIn the USA they go ice skating. In Canada we go skating; we just assume it will be on ice!
Tags: misc
PermalinkJust when you are finally happy with your life and eveything going on in your life.... You get married and ruin it!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThis guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "Oh, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkOne time, my teacher said to dump our Math books. Then she said to get your Social Studies book. Then that became history.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkUsers to accumulate 5,000 points are rewarded with having no advertisements shown to them on this website. You can also get icons that appear next to your name once you have achieved certain goals. Awards are described on the icon page. You can get to the icon page by clicking an icon next to someone's username.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ. Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?A. They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
Tags: state-jokes
Permalink"Hillary's got this huge book, it's a memoir of her life and times at the White House. In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said 'I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air.' No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said." - David Letterman
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ. Why did the dog fall out of the tree? A. Because it was dead Q Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? A. Because it was stapled to the dog! Q. Why did the tree fall over? A. Because it thought it was a game.
Tags: misc
PermalinkTwo cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?" The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad we're penguins, doesn't it?"
Tags: animal
PermalinkA little girl came to a pregnent lady, and while pointing to her stomach asked : "What's that?"The lady proudly replied: "That's my little baby and I love him very much!"The little girl then said: "If you love him that much, then why the hell did you eat him?"
Tags: heaven-and-hell
PermalinkRussian company: You have two cows. You drink some vodka and count them again. You have five cows. The Russian Mafia shows up and takes however many cows you have.
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhy should not a chicken cross the road? It would be a fowl proceeding.
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat is the new name for a taxi in Oshakati? A computer. Why? It has windows, always crashes, & is driven by a thin black floppy with a virus.
Tags: misc
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