Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B

  Tags: one-liners

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• The next iPhone won't be a failure. In fact, it'll be a huge 6S.

  Tags: one-liners

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• It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

  Tags: one-liners

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• So I was asked the past tense of 'think' in a English test today. I thought and thought and thought and finally wrote 'thunk'.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Spoiler alert! The milk has been in the fridge for three weeks.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• People said I'd never get over my obsession with Phil Collins. But take a look at me now.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a vehicle with no fuel in Africa? Outtagascar

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two FBI agents search an office and find a hard drive with "KGB" on it... One of the agents asks the other, "Why didn't they just write '1 TB' instead?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do psychics ask so many questions when they supposedly already know the answers?

  Tags: one-liners

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• My boyfriend said he didn't have a date that same day I caught him eating one.

  Tags: one-liners, food, programming

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• Sometimes, to impress girls, I use big words that I don't fully understand in an effort to sound more photosynthesis.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I received an email from Google. It said, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards " I thought, "That's just spam."

  Tags: one-liners

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• Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, programming

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• I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching. To reverse and leaving the scene

  Tags: one-liners

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• Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea" Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two introverts walk into a room... One leaves

  Tags: one-liners

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• I crossed the road, walked into a bar, and changed a lightbulb. Then I realized that my life was a joke...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why was the dentist investigated by the Securities & Exchange Commission? For incisor trading!

  Tags: one-liners

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• As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Watchmakers. Do you think watchmakers ever take a day off to unwind?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Villain : Why is my calendar wrapped in aluminium? Superhero : I’ve foiled your plan.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex? My ex.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm having an introvert party and you're all not invited.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I took a video of my shoe yesterday. It was some pretty good footage

  Tags: one-liners

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• I used to be a narcissist. But now look at me

  Tags: one-liners

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• Fishermen hate him—you'll never guess this one strange item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else. Click bait

  Tags: one-liners

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• Drinking alcohol is like calculus. You have to know your limits.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 Shades of Grey... For example, the one where she gets a job right out of college.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does German cereal say when it sees the milk in the morning? Gluten-tag

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• When people don't make sense, listen to music. It always does.

  Tags: one-liners

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• In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I put a blank tape in my TV and turned the volume all the way up. The mime next door went crazy and called the cops.

  Tags: misc

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• My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A man with two left feet walked into a shoe store and asked, " Do you have any flip-flips?"

  Tags: misc

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• What do you call an artist in a dark alley? Sketchy

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just found the worst page in the entire dictionary What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What happens to Nitrogen when you put it in direct sunlight? It becomes DAYTROGEN!

  Tags: one-liners

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• To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear the story about the giraffe? Forget it its too long.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• At the job interview, I asked what is the salary like. They said I'll start at minimum wage and make double of that in two years. Ok, I'll be back in two years.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's black and doesn't work? Decaffeinated coffee

  Tags: one-liners

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• He always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.

  Tags: one-liners

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• $2.1 million worth of textbooks were stolen the other day. All eight books were recovered.

  Tags: one-liners

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• So my twin brother called me from prison. He said, "So you know how we finish each others' sentences?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Who invented the circle? Sir Cumfrence

  Tags: one-liners

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• All things are possible - except skiing through a revolving door.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What brand of cereal is the strongest?? Mini Wheats, because they’re shredded.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I asked my chemist friend if it took him 4 years to get his degree... He said "Sodium Bromate."

  Tags: one-liners

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• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry... Because I always back up my rage with facts and well documented sources" -The Credible Hulk

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just hired a private investigator to find out what I do all day.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• You know there's no official training for garbage men? They just pick it up as they go along.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you know that the vast majority of convicted criminals are married men? It's the only way they get to finish a sentence.

  Tags: one-liners

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• being a waiter may not be a very glamorous job. but at least it puts food on the table

  Tags: one-liners

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• It's 10 pm, time to eat the fridge.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello? Konnichihuahua

  Tags: one-liners

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• Laziness Level: I get jealous when it's bedtime in other countries

  Tags: one-liners

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• What kind of music do wind turbines like? They're huge metal fans

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. But the light bulb has to want to change.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did 50 Cent say to his grandmother when she made him a pair of socks? Gee, you knit?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I am so bored I started reading the dictionary from start to finish. I am past caring.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What shape is your hair in the morning? A wrecktangle. (Made up by my 10 year old daughter :)

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the mother lion say to her cubs before dinner? "Shall we prey!"

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What do you call a sad coffee? A depresso

  Tags: one-liners

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• As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the difference between a drama student and a government savings bond? The government savings bond eventually matures and earns money.

  Tags: one-liners

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• So apparently RSVP'ing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the difference between a unicorn and a carrot? One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate the headphone jack.

  Tags: one-liners

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• They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility. If only they could see me now!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is Samsung CEO's favorite movie? Total recall

  Tags: one-liners

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• God finally answer my prayers for winning the $15 million lottery. The answer is no.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is it so easy to track Santa on Christmas Eve? Because he always accepts cookies.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why haven't aliens visited our solar system? They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend Jay recently had twin girls, and wanted to name them after him. So I suggested Kaye and Elle.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Today I am celebrating 100 days without alcohol! Not consecutively, though.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: What's a space pirate's favorite planet? A: mArrrs!

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Justice is a dish best served cold because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys, I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why was the baseball player a bad sport? He stole third base and then went home!

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Teacher: "Are you sleeping in my class?" Student: "Well now I´m not but if you could be a little quieter I could."

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, "What if these two socks don't even like each other?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two buzzards were eating a dead clown. One said to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

  Tags: puns

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• What did baby corn say to mommy corn? Where's popcorn?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Any of you been to Uruguay or Paraguay? If you ever wanna go I Knowaguay.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Before I buy a leaf blower I want to make sure I understand the rules. We just blow the leaves at each other's houses, right?

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What do you call a boat full of polite football players? A good sportsman ship.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, sports

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• What travels around the world but stays in one corner? A stamp.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you know that you can actually jump into a volcano? But only once.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I was watching a really good documentary about Quantum physics the other day. But I decided to stop watching in case I affected the outcome

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Which day do chickens hate the most? Friday.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What’s Netflix’s biggest competitor? Sleep.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Don't join the new TESCO dating service, my mate did and he ended up with a bag for life.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have won first place in this Halloween costume contest 16 years in a row. This year I am dressed as a hotdog. I'm on a roll.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body that is required on it.

  Tags: misc

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• What do you call a girl who stands in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Quitting smoking is the easiest thing I've ever done. I've quit hundreds of times.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the coffee lose the lawsuit? Because it had no legal grounds

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I was putting mustard on my sandwich and I had that strange feeling I had already done that. I was experiencing De'-Jonvu!

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Why did all the prisoners at the AT&T jail escape? Because they had no bars on their cells!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sure, I may be slow, but I do lousy work.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• How do you tell the difference between an electrician and an electrical engineer? Ask them to pronounce the word, "unionized".

  Tags: one-liners

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• Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision. I can just see it now.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion. I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you wanted to make pickle bread, you'd have to start out with dill dough.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I'm really pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I've got eight fridges.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: why did the man get fired from the Orange Juice factory? A: He wasn't concentrating.

  Tags: misc

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• "Master Yoda, are we on the right track?" "Off course, we are.."

  Tags: one-liners

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• Will carrying a torch save you from an attacking bear? Depends on how fast you can carry it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Who is married to Antarctica? Uncle-Arctica

  Tags: one-liners

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• Everyone has a photographic memory, some don't have film.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How did the chemist who failed the temperature test get? Absolute zero.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown - and fewer still to ignore someone completely.

  Tags: one-liners

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• So far, Humpty Dumpty is having a terrible winter. Which sucks because he had a great fall

  Tags: one-liners

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• No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II. I mean, there were red flags everywhere.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The doctor told his patient to stop using a Q-tip, but it went in one ear and out the other.

  Tags: one-liners, medical

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• I was confident I could win the duel until my opponent swung his sword at my ankles. Alas, I was de-feeted.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When everything's coming up roses, it's time to celebrate. But, when everything's coming up daisies, it's time to mourn.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I know that there are people who don't love their fellow man – I hate those people.

  Tags: one-liners

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• In 20 years, I bet there's going to be a college course called eye contact.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two clowns are running for public office... It's funny for me though because I live in Canada.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

  Tags: one-liners

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• He call himself Iron man but his armours are actually made out of Titanium. Ironic

  Tags: one-liners

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• My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together. At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• If you can't think of a word, say "I forgot the English word for it." That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The best way to end a war is to surrender.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When I noticed "HI" in the alphabet I thought I had made a new friend? But then I saw the next two letters.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I got so drunk the other night that I lost my glasses. The rest is a blur.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I tried to catch some fog, I mist.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

  Tags: one-liners

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• My teacher frowned at me when I handed in my trigonometry test paper. I don't think that's a good sine

  Tags: one-liners

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• I bought my friend an elephant for their room. They said thank you. I said don't mention it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My life has been all downhill ever since that one day when I emerged from my mother's womb.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wish I was poor one day in my life... Because being poor everyday sucks...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Throwing out perfectly good clocks. Is a waste of time.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a race over lava? A heated competition

  Tags: one-liners

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• What cheat code do you use to get into the Army? Left, left, left, right, left

  Tags: one-liners

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• Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't use pepper spray when I'm being robbed. I just open my wallet and blow the dust into their eyes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are cats, bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you get past defense? You open degate.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What’s a three letter word that starts with gas? Car

  Tags: one-liners

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• 19 and 20 got in a fight. 21.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How does an elephant climb a tree? It stands on an acorn and waits for it to grow.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• went to a temporary tatoo parlor. it wouldn't wash off so I went back to complain but the shop was gone.

  Tags: one-liners

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• We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why shouldn't you enter into a contract with Wolverine? Because of his retractable clause.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Money can't buy everything... but then again, neither can no money.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have one of those unlimited cell phone plans. There's no limit to how much they can charge me.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• From the 7 year old nephew: Why didn't the volcano eat dinner? Because its plates were broken.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Why are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sonic looked like his games were getting better in recent years. and then BOOM

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the difference between Game of Thrones and Twitter? With Twitter you only get 140 characters.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I once fell in love with a girl that only knew 4 vowels. Unfortunately she didn't know I existed.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you get a philosophy student off your porch? Thank him for the pizza

  Tags: one-liners

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• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm stuck somewhere between playing my cards right & not playing with a full deck.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• I used to be in a band, we were called 'lost dog'. You probably saw our posters.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music? They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• What do you call a writer who doesn't follow the rules of sentence structure? A rebel without a clause

  Tags: one-liners

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• I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn't have internet.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• You stare at frozen juice cans because they say, "concentrate".

  Tags: one-liners

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• Apparently they're removing the essay section from the SAT. Now it's just going to be called the T.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If mummies are from egypt, then where are daddies from?

  Tags: one-liners

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• If it ain't broke, I haven't borrowed it yet.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My mind's made up, don't confuse me with facts.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I would tell a swimming joke, but I think it's too watered-down to be funny.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Albert Einstein was a genius and worthy of praise and study. His brother Frank was an absolute monster.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I can see six years into the future. I must have 2020 vision.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm getting a little tired of these people coming to my door telling me I need to be "saved" or "I'll burn"... Stupid firefighters.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Every time I tell a punny cow joke, I butcher it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The king of precipitation doesn't visit Earth very often. He reigns from above.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about the athlete who wore two jackets when she painted the house? The instructions on the can said: "Put on two coats."

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Today, my friend warned a pedestrian about a pothole. I guess that makes him a trip advisor.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I am right ninety eight percent of the time - who cares about the other three percent.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Believe it or not, but when you're living alone a clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, programming

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• Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? The scientists were brainstorming!

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I used to steal comedians' jokes and not credit them. I still do, but I used to, too.

  Tags: one-liners

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• There are a few criminals in my town that keep stealing wheels from parked police cars. The cops are working tirelessly to catch the suspects.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the beach say as the tide came in? Long time no sea.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If a person told you they were a pathological liar, should you believe them?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I had to quit my vegetarian diet. Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When I was young, I was afraid of the dark. Now when I get my electric bill, I am afraid of the light.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have a fear of elevators but I'm taking steps to avoid it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did I divide sin by tan? Just cos.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The only person in our town who can afford to go on a jaguar is a zoo-keeper.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no. Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are pigs so bad at soccer? They are always hogging the ball!

  Tags: one-liners, animal, sports

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• Adam and Eve... were the first people to not read Apple's terms and conditions.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Some people have difficulties sleeping... but I can do it with my eyes closed.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do riot police like to get to work early? To beat the crowd.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I had cardiac surgery in Cuba but the doctors weren’t that great. Half of my heart is in Havana

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've just been fired from the clock making factory. after all those extra hours I put in.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I threw a ball for my dog... It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• My friend really changed onced she decided to be a vegetarian. It's like I've never known herbivore

  Tags: one-liners

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• What has four legs but can't walk? A chair.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a toxic work environment? A staff infection

  Tags: one-liners

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• When you don't know, what you are doing, it's best, to do it quickly.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Whats better than roses on a piano? tulips on an organ...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Doctor, Doctor! I have a virus that makes my left hand constantly butter toast. How can I stop it spreading?

  Tags: medical

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• Whoever invented the knock knock jokes. Should get a Nobell prize.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines. He’s a Singer songwriter or sew it seams

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• What do arrows and young ladies have in common? They're all aquiver in the presence of a beau.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why didn’t aliens visit our Solar system yet? Because they saw the reviews and it only had one star.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Does anyone know how to avoid click bait? Apparently not.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you sneak up on celery? You stalk it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• What is black and red? An ape going down a hill!

  Tags: animal

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• Where does a dog go when he loses his tail? a retail store

  Tags: one-liners

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• A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says,"Sorry, we don't serve food here."

  Tags: one-liners

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• My buddy said, "What rhymes with orange?" I pondered for a while and thought..."No, it doesn't."

  Tags: one-liners

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• T-shirt is actually short for tyrannosaurus shirt. It's because of the small arms.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What cereal does Spider-Man hate the most? Mystery O's

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• How many vegans does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger? One if nobody's looking.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do birds fly south in the Fall? Because it's too far to walk.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'll never forget the words of my late Grandfather... "Sorry I'm late."

  Tags: one-liners

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• How does a squid go into battle? Well armed

  Tags: one-liners

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• How come you're responsible if you do your taxes in March, but I'm crazy when I do my trick-or-treating in September?

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Always be smarter than the inanimate object that you're working with.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are pills white? Because they work.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How is it we look in a dictionary to figure out how to spell something if we don't know how to spell it?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Success is relative. The more success, the more relatives!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Goes to the gym, lays on the mat to stretch, falls asleep.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil? A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok

  Tags: one-liners

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• Copper is the only element that have eyes. Becuase it can Cu.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• How do fortune tellers greet each other? You’re good, how am I?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did Charizard say to Pikachu? Charizard

  Tags: one-liners

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• IRS... we've got what it takes, to take what you've got

  Tags: one-liners

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