Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A kid said to his Dad, "In school I learned Pluto is in outerspace. But they didn't say where Mickey is."

  Tags: misc

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• Did you hear about the fight at the seafood grill last night? (no) Well, the fish got battered!!

  Tags: misc

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• A mother complained to a doctor about her daughter's strange eating habits. "All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?" "Don't worry," said the doctor. "Eventually, she'll rise and shine.

  Tags: puns

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• What are the first 4 words in the Mexican National Anthem? "Attention all K-Mart shoppers"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why Didn't the Chicken Cross the Road?

  Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because he's "chicken".

  Tags: animal

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• Q: How many newfies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 2 one to hold the light bulb and 1 to spin him round and round.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

  Why did the chicken cross the road? To go to the other side! Why did the Mexican Chicken cross the Border? To get to the U.S.

  Tags: animal

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• How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb??? None, they will just have there robot do it.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!

  Tags: classic, general

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• What do you call a blind German? A not see!

  Tags: animal

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• An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.

  Tags: sports

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• JUDGE: "The court can produce a dozen witnesses who saw you rob the bank." ROBBER: "Big deal! I can bring in hundreds of people who didn't see it!"

  Tags: one-liners

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• What if there were no hypothetical situations?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What happened when Ray Johnson fell off the Empire State Building? Now everyone calls him x-ray.

  Tags: puns

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• Diner: Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?Waiter: Look's like the backstroke sir!

  Tags: misc

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• My doctor says I have insomnia, but I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.

  Tags: medical

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• What is the fastest way to double your money? By folding it in half

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: How many public utility workers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10. One to hold the bulb, 6 to rotate the ladder, and 3 to supervise.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• How did Alfo make a quart of juice from 3 oranges? It was a tight squeeze.

  Tags: puns

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• Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand and on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to." So Ole drove to Duluth.

  Tags: misc

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• Q. Have you heard of the dyslexic cow who attained enlightenment? A. It kept on repeating OOOOMMM!

  Tags: animal

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• What's the difference between a Scot and Mick Jagger? Mick Jagger sang "Hey, you, get offa my cloud." The Scot says "Hey, McCloud, get offa my ewe."

  Tags: animal

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• For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

  Tags: misc

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• Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court.The judge asked, 'Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?'Phil replies, 'Yes Judge, that is correct.''And how do you explain this unusual conduct?' the judge inquires.Phil replies, 'I didn't want to interrupt her Your Honor.'

  Tags: men

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• Remember, whenever someone says that you're nobody, remember nobody's perfect.

  Tags: misc

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• While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!" "What is it? her sisters asked eagerly. Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

  Tags: computers

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• Can You Understand Binary?

  There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who can do binary and those who can't.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A grasshopper walks into a bar and walks up to the bar. The bartender says "hey, we have a drink named after you!" "Really?" asks the grasshopper, "You have a drink named Steve?"

  Tags: misc

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• Geometry

  Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.

  Tags: puns, math

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• A 14-year old boy was helping his mom wash the dishes after dinner on a beautiful day. He says, "Mom, can I go outside? I want to play football." His mom says, "OK, but on one condition: you let your little brother play with you and your friends." The teenager replied with, "But mom, we already tried that. This time I want to play with a real football!"

  Tags: sports

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• Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

  Tags: children

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• What do you get when you cross a cheetah with a hamburger? Fast food!

  Tags: misc

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• What is represented by this? DO WN Broken down!

  Tags: animal

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• Why did the woman cross the Road?Never mind that- what I want to know is what she was doing out of the kitchen in the first place!

  Tags: misc

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• What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe? Roberto

  Tags: classic, general

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• When does running mean walking? When you're running out of gas!

  Tags: misc

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• What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock? Look, no hands!

  Tags: classic, general

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• Tonto and the Lone Ranger were lost one day. The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, 'Use your Indian instincts and get us out of this mess.'Tonto bends down and put his ear to the ground. He turns and says to the Lone Ranger, 'Buffalo come.' The Lone Ranger says to Tonto 'How do you know?' Tonto Says 'Ear sticky'

  Tags: misc

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• How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Zero: For all blondes know, the lightbulb is still burning bright.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Little Tommy was telling his friend Billy all about his Christmas presents. "My daddy bought me a mouth organ. It's the best present I've ever had." "Why?" "Because my mummy gives me extra money every week if I don't play it."

  Tags: children

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• What do u call a blonde with 1brain cell? GIFTED!What do u call a blonde with 2brain cells? PREGNANT!What do u call a blonde with 3brain cells? A GOLDEN RETRIEVER!

  Tags: blonde-jokes

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• How dod the person take over the remote?

  Tags: tech

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• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

  Tags: misc

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• Why are football stadiums so cool? Because every seat has a fan in it.

  Tags: classic, general

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• What did the ocean say to the beach? Thanks for all the sediment.

  Tags: classic, general

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• The song, "Yankee Doodle" was originally sung by British soldiers to insult the colonialists (which was typical of the British in those days). The Continental Army took to singing it to annoy the British (which was typical of the colonialists).

  Tags: at-work

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• A drunk phones the police. He yells, "Come quick! Thieves have stolen my dashboard, steering wheel, brake and gas pedal, and my dang radio!! MY RADIO!!" The police are just about to send out an officer when the drunk phones back. He says very calmly, "Sorry officers. It turns out I just got in my backseat."

  Tags: bar

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• Teacher: Jimmy, use the word "handsome" in a sentence. Jimmy: Handsome gum over will ya? Teacher: No, no, that's not right. You have one more chance. Use the word "gladiator" in a sentence. Jimmy: A monster ate my sister and I'm gladiator.

  Tags: misc

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• Middle Age: when knees buckle and belts don't.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does PPSH-41 stand for? It is:Perfectly and Painfully and Stubborn Hallucination for(4) one(1)

  Tags: animal

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• Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Did you hear about the tree that made an Ash of itself?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did one virus say to the other virus? Keep away from me, I think I've got penicillin!

  Tags: medical

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• I was attending church as a visitor several weeks ago and heard the following:"I have good news, and I have bad news.First, the bad news: we need a new roof.Next, the good news: we have the money to pay for it!(waits for pleased murmurs to recede)Next, more bad news: the money is still in your pockets."

  Tags: money

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• A gentleman walks into bar, and to his horror, sees a screaming naked lady tied to the wall while the bartender licks her! The guy runs out and calles the police.He is even more horrified when the police say there is nothing they can do; the bartender has lick-her (liquor) license.

  Tags: misc

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• Why Did the Chewing Gum Cross the Road?

  Why did the chewing gum cross the road? Because it was stuck to the chicken's feet.

  Tags: animal

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• My survey which I conducted said that 8 out of 4 people don't understand fractions.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: What has eight legs, two trunks, four eyes, and two tails? A: Two elephants.

  Tags: animal

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• "They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." - Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

  Tags: at-work

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• Q) How many jugglers does it take to change a lightbulb? A) One, but it takes 3 lightbulbs.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Lawyers creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

  Tags: one-liners

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• There was a nearly-new television for sale the other day. It has a 42-inch plasma screen, and I bought it for $50. The only thing wrong was that there was no volume control - but at that price, I couldn't turn it down!

  Tags: puns

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• One day an Indian, a Muslim, and a Cowboy were just sittin' around when all of the sudden, the Indian said with a gloomy look, " Once my people were many, now we are few.", then the Muslim said with a huge smile on his face, "Once my people were few, now we are many.", the Cowboy replied , "Oh, that's just because we ain't played cowboys and muslims yet."

  Tags: ethnic-jokes

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• Seen on a bumper sticker: "I don't care who's on board, what you love, who you brake for or what you'd rather be doing."

  Tags: one-liners

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• If two's a company and three's a crowd... what's four and five? NINE!!!!

  Tags: one-liners

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• You might be a Redneck if you see a sign that says, "Say no to crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.

  Tags: misc

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• Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

  Tags: children

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• A man noted for his tact was awakened one morning at four o'clock by his ringing telephone. "Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an irate voice. The man thanked his caller and politely asked his name before hanging up. The next morning at four o'clock, he called his neighbour back. "Sir," he said, "I don't have a dog."

  Tags: misc

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• "Hillary Clinton has finished her memoirs for publication next year, while Bill has barely finished the first chapter. Well, in all fairness, Fiction is a lot harder to write." - Jay Leno

  Tags: misc

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• A young man was in the process of taking a verbal exam to join the local police force. "If you're driving a police car, alone on a country road at night, and are being chased by a group of criminals driving sixty miles an hour, what would you do?" he was asked. Without hesitation, the young man replied, "Seventy!"

  Tags: at-work

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• What kind of trouble does a five foot man have??? Five feet!!!

  Tags: misc

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• Two men walk into a bar. The third man ducks.

  Tags: misc

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• Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

  Tags: misc

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• Did you hear about the submarine industry? It really took a dive...

  Tags: classic, general

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• 'How long will the next bus be?' 'About eighteen feet.'

  Tags: one-liners

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• A man went to a restaurant and ordered a steak with baked potato. About halfway through dinner he called the waitress over and said, "Ma'am, this potato is bad." She nodded, picked up the potato, and smacked it. Then she put it back on his plate and said, "Sir, if that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know."

  Tags: food-jokes

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• What's the difference between snow men and snow women? Snow BALLS! (Ding dong kind)

  Tags: misc

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• So this kid has been using lots of his dad's money and the dad says, "Do you think money grows on trees?" "Ya," says the kid. "Well, it doesn't," says the dad. "So what is money made out of, Dad?" "Paper," the dad says. "And what is paper made out of?" "Shut up."

  Tags: misc

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• Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Opera: where somebody gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, sings.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why don't eggs tell jokes? Because they would crack each other up.

  Tags: classic, dad

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• A man walks in to an auto store and askes the blonde cashier where the turtle wax is. the blonde says,"i'm sorry sir, but we don't sell pet supplies."

  Tags: blonde-jokes

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• Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball. "I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition." "Batted .007," his wife added.

  Tags: sports

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• What does an angry pepper do? It gets jalapeño face.

  Tags: classic, general

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• In the morning elephants put springs on their feet and jump around the jungle. Now the most fearsome sound to a monkey is "Boing Boing"

  Tags: animal

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• Why can't you go to the bathroom at a Beatles concert? There's no John.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Which animals eat with their ears? All of them, since no animal takes its ears off to eat!

  Tags: animal

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• I saw a girl the other day. I didn't like her because she was a butter face. You know 'butter face' - she has a hot body, but her face . . .

  Tags: puns

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• All things are possible - except skiing through a revolving door.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses? - G. Gordon Liddy

  Tags: one-liners

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• Be a good housekeeper. When you leave him ... get a good lawyer ...keep his house

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a woman with one black eye? A fast learner.

  Tags: misc

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• My sister gave birth in a state-of-the-art delivery room. It was so high tech that the baby came out cordless!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wonder who came up with the company People's Gas and where was their Pepto-Bismal?

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you fix a broken pizza? With tomato paste.

  Tags: classic, general

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• How does a scientist freshen their breath? With experi-mints!

  Tags: classic, general

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• My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can.

  Tags: one-liners

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• An actual headline: "Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers"

  Tags: misc

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• Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.

  Tags: science

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• How do you know, your computer hates you? When it grows and pop ups.

  Tags: tech

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• If you don't like my driving, stay out of the bus shelters!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do a blonde and a turtle have in common?When they get flipped on their back, they're screwed!

  Tags: misc

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• I went into a restaurant that served 'breakfast at any time'. So, I asked for French Toast in the time of the Renaissance

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: To get to the other side.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• From a brunette's point of view: Blondes may have more fun but hey, at least we can read!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do soccer players drink? Penaltea!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Their was a very rich old lady that died.Before she died she gave all her money and stuff to her children and grandchildren. She had one thing left to give out. It was a diamond. She said she hid it in a cylinder with squares. A grandchild said he knew where it was. Where was it???

  Tags: misc

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• This is a fun way to irritate your friends and family on your answering machine! On your answering machine - "Hello?" pause, "What's up?" pause again, "Oh, well you must feel pretty stupid right now because you're talking to my answering machine! So leave a message!" Beep.

  Tags: misc

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• What's worse than 10 babies in one dumpster? 1 baby in 10 dumpsters.

  Tags: children

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• Patient:"Doctor,my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages." Psychiatrist: "Rubbish! I like sausages too." Patient: Good,you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds."

  Tags: misc

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• Fill in the blank: The one who says it cannot be done should never _________ the one who is doing it. Interrupt.

  Tags: misc

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• Why is it dangerous to go in the jungle after 5 p.m? Because elephants jump out of trees after 5 p.m. Why do beavers have flat tails? Because they go in the jungle after 5 p.m!

  Tags: animal

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• We invite grandparents to a special day at our school, culminating in a photo op with grandparent and grandchild posing in front of a colorful display from a history class. Only after the last shot was snapped did we notice what appeared above each grandparent's head: a banner screaming, "Discover the Ancient World."

  Tags: misc

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• Q: How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb? A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Mary had a little lamb, And a little pony too, She put the pony in a field, And the lamb into a stew!!

  Tags: misc

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• What did one tradesman say to another? I hope you have a "barter" day tomorrow.

  Tags: one-liners

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• man's business trip is cancelled and he is at home with a rather nervous wife. They go to bed, but about midnight, the phone rings.The man rolls over and answered..."Hello?""What?""How the hell should I know, I live in Phoenix."He hangs up and his wife asks, "Who was it dear?""Just some idiot who wanted to know if the coast was clear!"

  Tags: men

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• "I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends. "First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy." "Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathized his friends. "I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had."

  Tags: college

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• Q.What is the speed limit for sex? A. 68, at 69 you have to turn around!

  Tags: misc

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• The only person in our town who can afford to go on a jaguar is a zoo-keeper.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory? Lack of concentration.

  Tags: classic, general

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• A DHCP packet walks into a bar and asks for a beer. Bartender says, "here, but I’ll need that back in an hour!"

  Tags: classic, programming

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• The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When my pap was younger, his family didn't have much money. One year for Christmas, his mother cut a hole in the front of his underwear so he would have something to play with.

  Tags: children

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• How many mathematicians does it take to replace a lightbulb? Pi. 3 screw exactly a radius's length, and the last about-one-seventh screws it in all the way!

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch."I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said."What's your secret for a long happy life?""I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and neverexercise.""That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?""Twenty-six," he said.

  Tags: old-age

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• An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

  Tags: military

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• Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• What's the best form of birth control after 50? Nudity.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Want to know a dirty joke? A white horse falls into a mud puddle. Wanna know a clean joke? The horse takes a shower.

  Tags: animal

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• Why did the chicken cross the road? There weren't any cars coming!

  Tags: misc

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• I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb? A: one.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• What's the difference between boogers and broccoli? Kids don't eat broccoli.

  Tags: children

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• "Get this." said the English bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."Did he get anything?" his mates asked."yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

  Tags: bar-jokes

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• When you go into the bathroom you're Russian; when you are in the bathroom, European; when you come out of the bathroom, you're Finnish. You have to read the nationalities slowly

  Tags: misc

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• Q. What did Stevie Wonder say about the cheese grater he got for Christmas? A. It was the scariest book he had ever read!

  Tags: misc

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• Waiter, this plate is wet. That's your soup, sir.

  Tags: bar

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• Q: Why is good to be French? A: You can surrender at the beginning of the war, and US will win it for you.

  Tags: misc

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• Two cows were standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"

  Tags: animal

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• Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. "Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly "No," replied Lars. "Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"

  Tags: misc

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• So, Michael Jackson walks into a bar. Oh, that looked like it hurt! It must have knocked his nose off!

  Tags: bar

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• Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

  Tags: classic, general

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• We're here on the airport, where a group of people have just arrived after being stranded on an island for more than a year.

  Tags: misc

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• Three friends a surgeon, an engineer, and a politician were discussing which of their professions was the oldest. The surgeon said "Eve was created from Adam's rib, a surgical procedure." The engineer replied: "Before Adam and Eve, order was created out of chaos, and that was an engineering job." The politician said, "Yes, but who do you suppose created the chaos?"

  Tags: at-work

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• "Madame," said the psychiatrist, "you haven't got a complex; you ARE inferior."

  Tags: one-liners

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• To add a joke to this list: Click the "Add to My Favorites" link when you are viewing a joke. To get rid of one of your favorite jokes: Go to your favorite jokes page. Next to each joke there is a garbage can icon. Click on the icon to get rid of that joke from your favorite's page.

  Tags: misc

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• One night, a little boy and his father were having a conversation. The father asked the boy, "Can you say your ABC's, son?" "Yes I can! A...B..C..." and he goes through the whole alphebet. The father then said, "That's good, but can you say it backwords?" The boy smiles and says, "yeah", so he turns around and says, "A...B...C..."

  Tags: children

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• Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to fine art.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb? A: You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session."I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said."So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.""Of course," replied the patient."In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

  Tags: heaven-and-hell

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• Why did the chicken pox cross the road? He was afraid if he stayed he would be spotted.

  Tags: medical

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• If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!

  Tags: misc

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• Q: How many teamsters does it take to change a light bulb? A: ''Twelve. Ya got a problem with that?''

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Some times when the soap bar in the shower is small enough I like to swipe it thru my butt crack and say " beep! credit card accepted"

  Tags: misc

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• Teacher: Larry, name two pronouns. Larry: Who, Me? Teacher: That answer is correct.

  Tags: children

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• What did the chicken say to the bully? Why don't you peck on someone your own size?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.

  Tags: classic, general

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• No one is listening to you until you make a mistake.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, but it takes a certified electrician to make it work.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Women blink nearly twice as much as men. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest its self. The largest fish is the whale shark-it can be over 50 feet long and weigh 2 tons. The only continent without native reptiles or snakes is Antarctica.

  Tags: misc

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• Once I like bought a fox and I like named him Jorge and like he died and I cried so I bought shoes.

  Tags: animal

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• Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships? So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.

  Tags: classic, general

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• As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: What is in between an 80-year-old woman's breastA: Her belly-button

  Tags: women

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• How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!

  Tags: classic, general

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• The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why does President Clinton invite so many ladies into his private study? He wants to show them his executive branch.

  Tags: puns

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• Q: What happens when you pour boiling water on a bunny? A: A hot cross-buniken!

  Tags: animal

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• Old photographers never die, they just go out of focus!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Hygiene Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects? Jose: Don't bite any.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A guy goes to work and kills everyone...what is this called...? Going Postal...

  Tags: at-work

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• Speak your mind out when you're angry. You'll make the best speech you'll ever live to regret.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?New Jersey got to pick first.

  Tags: misc

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• You don't have to go faster than the bear, you just have to go faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Life is full of uncertainties...or could I be wrong about that?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I used facebook for a few days and got addicted to it. I've been studying since I was 6. Why the hell am I not addicted to it?

  Tags: tech

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• There's a fella in a fast-food outlet, and he's just received his order of 7 hot-dogs, 9 Big Macs and 6 large Cokes. The counterhand says, "Would you like a tray?" The customer replies, "Steady on, haven't I got enough to carry already?"

  Tags: misc

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• If you ask a Bears fan what his or her two favorite teams are they would be: - The Bears - And whoever the Green Bay Packers are playing.

  Tags: sports

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• Make sure you are in a public place with a lot of people around. Sniff the air a couple of times (make sure it is loud sniffs). Turn to you wife and say in a loud voice "Hey honey did you fart?!".

  Tags: misc

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• Little Johnny's mother took him to a supermarket to buy some food. "Anything you break comes out of your allowance money!" shouted Johnny's mother. Johnny turned around and said "But you don't give me any allowance money!" "Yes, and now you know why."

  Tags: children

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• One of the greatest labor-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

  Tags: one-liners

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• There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

  Tags: one-liners

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• Always be smarter than the inanimate object that you're working with.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A pregnant woman was taking a shower and her three year old daughter said,"Mommy, you're getting fat!"And the mother replied,"That because a baby is growing in my tummy."To which the daughter said,"Yeah,but what's growing in you butt?"

  Tags: children

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• I was walking around in the movies with my friends and we saw this one teenager. His pants were falling down, so I said to my friends, "God, these kids nowadays! I thought a rapper died and the kid decided to put his pants half-staff!"

  Tags: misc

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• Can you decipher this phrase? FORWARD Straightforward!

  Tags: misc

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• Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn? A: Where's pop corn?

  Tags: one-liners

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• A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"

  Tags: animal

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• Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's not funny!!!

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Can You Decipher This Phrase? DEINPTH VESTINIGATION In depth investigation!

  Tags: animal

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• One eye says to the other eye, "Between you and me, something smells."

  Tags: misc

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• Never accept a drink from a urologist, nor a friendly handshake from a proctologist.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A budding actor: "Dad guess what? I've got my first part in a , I play the part of a man who has been maried for 25 years." Father: "That's a good start son, just keep at it and one of these days you'll get a speaking part."

  Tags: family-parents

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• Knock-knock Who's there It's me. This is not a joke. It's me. This is not a joke. who? Grrrrrrrrrr...

  Tags: knock-knock

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• What's the difference between the teacher and the one who minds trains? The teacher trains minds, the other minds trains.

  Tags: college

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• Why does a dog have fur? 'Cause if he didn't he'd be a little "bare"!

  Tags: animal

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• Teacher: Vincent, not to be presumptuous, but your short story is truly fantastic. Did you really write it? Vincent: Yes, I wrote, while my mother dictated...

  Tags: children

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• A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. "Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?" "That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."

  Tags: animal

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• A SQL query walks into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks... 'Can I join you?'

  Tags: classic, programming

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• Why did the blonde jumped off the bridge? Because she thought her maxi had wings!

  Tags: blonde-jokes

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• "You're hitting the woods well today, pitty you can't stay out of them!"

  Tags: misc

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• Talk about anything you want here. O.K. I will. You really need to quit submitting jokes like this. Anybody agree with me?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the private classes break up? Because they never saw each other.

  Tags: classic, programming

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• Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• He was a smooth operator, and at the club's annual dance he attached himself to the prettiest lady golfer in the room and was boasting to her. "You know, they're all afraid to play me. What do you think my handicap is?" "Well, where do you want me to start ?" came the quick response.

  Tags: sports

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• Q. How do you keep an idiot busy? A. Tell him that the ground is going to fall on him if he doesn't get off it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one!

  Tags: classic, dad

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• "Do you know that your dog bit my mother-in-law yesterday?" "Is that so? Well, I suppose you'll sue me for damages?" "Not at all. What'll you take for the dog?"

  Tags: animal

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• A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications & said, "We have an opening for people like you.""Oh, great," the man said, "What is it?""It's called the door!".

  Tags: misc

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• What is the hardest part about sky diving? The ground.

  Tags: classic, general

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• You know how we earn little icons next to our names for the points we get for being active on Wocka? They should do that on Facebook. Only backwards. The longer you are totally inactive, the higher level symbols you get.

  Tags: misc

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• What bird can't fly as high as you can jump? A bird in a cage.

  Tags: misc

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• Kids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

  Tags: misc

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• Why do C# and Java developers keep breaking their keyboards? Because they use a strongly typed language.

  Tags: classic, programming

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• What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.

  Tags: classic, general

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• How many country singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1 to screw it in, and 3 to write a song about it.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Please submit any comments you have using this form: Your Email Address: Message: Send Feedback

  Tags: misc

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• Want to hear a REALLY dirty joke?

  Two white horses fell in the mud and three came out.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Be content with what you've got, but be sure you've got plenty of it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts. A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" "Why, officer?" asks the blonde. "Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed." "Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"

  Tags: blonde-jokes

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• What did Tennessee? What Arkansas.

  Tags: misc

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• Computers will never be completely "Idiot Proof" because Idiots continue to be so resourceful.

  Tags: computers

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• What is a cat's favorite part of the computer? The mouse!

  Tags: animal

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• What's the difference between the Library of Congress and the House of Representatives? In the Library of Congress you're not allowed to lick the pages!

  Tags: puns

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• What does the male centipede say to the other male centipede when a female centipede walks by? That's a nice pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs.....

  Tags: animal

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• Did you know diarhea is part of your inheritence? Ya, it flows in our genes.

  Tags: puns

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• A woman goes for her pelvic exam. While the doctor is doing the exam, he notices bikini tan lines, and she has sandals on that say "hecho en mexico" (made in mexico). So he casually asks her, "So did you enjoy your trip to Mexico?" She sits up a little and stares at him with this look of disbelief. "You can tell that just from a pelvic exam?!?!?"

  Tags: medical

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• Q: How many a-holes does it take to change a light bulb? A: None; a-holes never see the light anyway.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Resumes can have midleading information. This guide should help clear any confusion...

  Tags: business

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• Why do they have braille on drive-thru ATMs?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

  Tags: animal

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• Two ducks walk into a bar... One duck looks at the other and says "Guess you didn't see it either."

  Tags: bar

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• Why does it take longer to get from 1st to 2nd base, than it does to get from 2nd to 3rd base? Because there’s a Shortstop in between!

  Tags: classic, general

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