Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• Diplomacy: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

  Tags: misc

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• My son came home as I was taking his door off it’s hinges and asked “Dad what are you doing?”. “We’ve updated our privacy policy”

  Tags: one-liners

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• Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Definition of Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• A dog is a man's best friend because it gives no advice, never tries to borrow money, and has no in-laws.

  Tags: animal

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• When does a joke become a Dad Joke? When it leaves you and doesn't come back.

  Tags: one-liners

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• One of the greatest labor-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the coffee lose the lawsuit? Because it had no legal grounds

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• An in-depth test to see if you know how to avoid Clickbait. Apparently not!

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you get a guitar player to stop playing? Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just fired my sioux chef because I found out he lied on his resume. Turns out he's navajo.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My parents won't say which of their six kids they love the best, but they have told me I finished just out of the top five.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• They say you are what you eat... today I bought some ready to eat chicken and sure enough I was ready to eat chicken.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did Adam and Eve ever have a date? No, but they had an Apple.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I'm really pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I've got eight fridges.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do dentists only want to be awarded with paper certificates? They hate plaque buildup.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My new car has a reverse camera. It’s awesome. Since I got it, I haven’t looked back.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Never catch snowflakes on your tongue. until all the birds have gone south for the winter!

  Tags: one-liners

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• "What are you eating and how can I help?" -Dogs

  Tags: one-liners, animal, food

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• I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• How did two oceans or seas become friends? Because they kept waving at each other.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: why did the man get fired from the Orange Juice factory? A: He wasn't concentrating.

  Tags: misc

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• Who is the worst spy in history? James Bond. Because everyone knows him.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm optimistically single. My bed is half full.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If a fly can fly, can an elephant elephant?

  Tags: animal

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• Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Give a man a jacket, and he will be warm for the day. Teach a man to jacket, and he will never leave his house.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just checked my account balance at the ATM. It printed me a coupon for ramen noodles

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• You’ll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor! Everybody.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A three-legged poodle walked into a bar in the Wild West and said "Hey, I'm lookin for the guy who shot my paw!"

  Tags: misc

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• Feeling pretty proud of myself. The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

  Tags: misc

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• What is Gepetto's favorite cereal? I know you think it's Pinnochi-o's, but it's actually Cheerios. They're whittle o's. Though I guess both woodwork.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I told Leonardo DiCaprio a joke about the Oscars... He didn't get it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you power a piano with a cable does it have a chord?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the Valentine's Day card say to the stamp? Stick with me and you'll go places.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The other day I went to a zoo, but the only animal there was a dog. It was a shihtzu.

  Tags: puns

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• I let my kids follow their dreams, unless I already paid the registration fee on their last dream, then they follow that for 6-8 more weeks.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice? The Spanish Inquisition.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I saved 15% on car insurance by switching.... The gear to reverse and pulling away from the accident

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was offered a job building Egyptian tombs. Turned out to be a pyramid scheme

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's green and goes camping?A boy sprout!

  Tags: misc

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• Sometimes, when I'm cruising the city in a $200K vehicle, I lean back and think, "If the bus driver doesn't speed up I'll be late for work."

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, money

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• Yesterday I decided to change my WiFi name to "Hack me if you can" and when I woke up this morning I saw the name changed to "Challenge accepted" somebody help.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Why are 490 Romans funny? Because XD

  Tags: one-liners

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• The contact lens is mans greatest invention. At least in my eyes

  Tags: one-liners

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• BREAKING: Due to inflation, Dollar Tree will be changing it’s name to Tree Dollar.

  Tags: one-liners

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• George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman. He even used the name when he had a little grill.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What was Forrest Gump's email password? 1forrest1

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is Jon Snow so ticklish? Aunts in his pants...

  Tags: one-liners

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• What scares a caterpillar? A dog-erpillar! (From a 3rd grader at dismissal yesterday!)

  Tags: one-liners

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• Ok Umm Uhh, Ahhh! Oh well, I just forgot what I was gonna say. Man I'm stupid

  Tags: misc

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• I like to finish other people's sentences because... my version is better.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Andy’s Mom in Toy Story probably has toys too. They may even be called Woody and Buzz.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

  Tags: crazy-jokes

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• Neil Armstrong used to tell really bad jokes about walking on the Moon. When nobody laughed he would follow with, "Ah well. I guess you had to be there."

  Tags: one-liners

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• What race is never run? A swimming race.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• What does a hockey game and an airboat have in common? Loud fans

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• I'm at a McDonalds and their phone just rang. I have to assume whoever is making that call is a completely unstable human being.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store is free yet?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call an aging actor who has finally paid off his house? Mortgage freeman.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is spiderman so good at comebacks? Because with great power comes great response ability.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was going to be a computer forensics expert, but couldn't hack IT.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, programming

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• I used to own a racing snail... It never won though. To improve its performance I removed its shell but, if anything, it made it more sluggish

  Tags: one-liners

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• Never hypothetically ask yourself if the person in front of you can go any slower, because the answer is yes.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

  Tags: animal

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• Q: what did one lumber jack say to another lumber jack? A: "I need to axe you a question."

  Tags: one-liners

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• When you have two choices and you take one away, you have zero choices.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't understand why people are celebrating pi day. It's irrational.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My teacher frowned at me when I handed in my trigonometry test paper. I don't think that's a good sine

  Tags: one-liners

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• What happened to the egg when he was tickled too much? He cracked up.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The first step to causing drama is making sure you tell everyone you hate drama.

  Tags: one-liners

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• To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you.. You have my Word.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I tripped and hit my head on a snare drum. I think I have a percussion.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• The only thing worse than seeing something done wrong is seeing it done slowly.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• They used to time me with a stopwatch... now they use a calendar.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Why isn't there a tax on stuff I DON'T like?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a sad coffee? A depresso

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many flat-earthers does it take to draw an arrow? None. They can't make a point.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Someone told me they didn't like calculus. I told them their opinion would change over time.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• How do you comfort an English teacher? There, their, they're.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When I am tasked with sorting through a stack of résumés, I throw about half of them in the garbage. I do not want unlucky people working in our company

  Tags: one-liners

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• I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• When people won't talk to me, it doesn't bother me. When a dog won't let me pet them, man, that really hurts.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand? My hand.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's a horse's favorite sport? Stable Tennis.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, sports

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• Do doughnut shops need security systems?

  Tags: one-liners

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• This morning i used redbull instead of water to make my coffee. After 15 minutes of driving on the highway, i realized i left my car at home!!!

  Tags: one-liners

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• /u/username goes to the grocery store.... username checks out.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How did I get from Afghanistan to Iraq? Iran.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What kind of music do they play at Stonehenge? Hard Rock.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Birthdays are good for your health. Studies have shown that people with more birthdays live longer.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What goes up and never comes down? Your age!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the difference between tuna, a piano and glue? You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'll never use that dictionary again... The definition it gave for "obfuscate" was confusing and misleading.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Despite my last 12,000 tweets, I'm actually really fun.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Ever since I installed Adblocker Plus things haven't been going so well.. All of a sudden chicks in my area are no longer interested in me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam".

  Tags: animal

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• What should happen to the person who invented Knock Knock jokes? They should get a No-Bell prize. :)

  Tags: one-liners

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• Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is the word abbreviation so long?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered all over the world.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: What did the Dorito say to the other Dorito. A: I can't tell you it was to cheesy.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Why did the snowman call his dog Frost ? Because frost bites !

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What's a golfers' favorite type of music? Swing.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My gf is like the square root of negative one hundred. She's a perfect ten but imaginary

  Tags: one-liners

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• I can't wait for Valentine's Day because I get to make cupcakes for a special someone and that special someone is me.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember. there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Let me make this simple, I want to be invited but I don't want to go.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Student: Are well and actually both one syllable words. Teacher: Well yes , but actually no

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was confident I could win the duel until my opponent swung his sword at my ankles. Alas, I was de-feeted.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Believe it or not, but when you're living alone a clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, programming

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• Just got back from the Transformers convention. and boy are my arms tires.

  Tags: one-liners

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• We thought it was our ability to love that made us human, but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A TRUCK.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have an 8:30 dinner reservation tonight. That's like midnight in middle-age time.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Can radio be an addiction? Depends on the frequency.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness' but it doesn't work.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How old was the cave man on his birthday? Stone Age

  Tags: one-liners

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• Teacher: Why are you doing your multiplication on the floor? Student: You told me not to use tables.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the chicken say when it got to the library? "Book book book book book book book..."

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• How do fortune tellers greet each other? You’re good, how am I?

  Tags: one-liners

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• If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

  Tags: animal

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• Watched a show where a guy used a chain link gate to sift through rocks. I found it a fence sieve...

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do single people call Valentine's Day? Happy Independence Day!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the Squirtle say to the Charmander? Squirtle

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: What's a space pirate's favorite planet? A: mArrrs!

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it just becomes a soap opera.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Tried changing my password to "14days" but it was two week

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about the baker that got arrested? He spent a dozen weeks in custardy

  Tags: one-liners

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• If homework goes too easy you are doing it wrong.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• The furniture store keeps calling me back..... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you're not part of the solution... You're part of the precipitate.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I had 50c every time I failed a maths test... I'd have $6.30 right now

  Tags: one-liners

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• I hate One Direction fans... Oscillating ones cool down a room much better.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A scientist announced he managed to cool something down to absolute zero. It was 0K.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the fish say, when he posted bail? I'm off the hook

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is it so easy to track Santa on Christmas Eve? Because he always accepts cookies.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I like hippos 'cause they're fat and don't care what other hippos think.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Set your WiFi password to 2444666668888888. So when someone asks tell them it’s 12345678

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have one of those unlimited cell phone plans. There's no limit to how much they can charge me.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Why shouldn't you enter into a contract with Wolverine? Because of his retractable clause.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What do you call a man who is in debt? Owen

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• if Lays had invented air hockey. it would be just air

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• I start every conversation with my employees by saying, "I shouldn't be telling you this" just so I know they will listen.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo... We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds...

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you make a small fortune from investing in Bitcoin? Start off by investing a large fortune in Bitcoin.

  Tags: one-liners

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• There are two types of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

  Tags: one-liners

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• There's this dyslexic guy... he walked into a bra...

  Tags: bar

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• I can totally relate to batteries. I'm not included in anything either.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uhh...

  Tags: one-liners

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• It's not a relationship until you argue about whose turn it is to apologize.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If they don't call the next Fast & Furious film "Fast10 Your Seatbelts" I'm going to be furious.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was wondering what my parents did without the internet. and none of my 7 siblings could tell me

  Tags: one-liners

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• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I shot an arrow into the air, where it went I had no care... then it hit me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are Astronauts always so calm? There's no pressure in space.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is an extreme sport? Doing you homework, while the teacher is collecting it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you guys hear about the globe that got pressed flat into vinyl album? Yeah, it was a world record.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do british people pronounce it as bri'ish? They drank the T

  Tags: one-liners

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• This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.

  Tags: one-liners

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• David Hasselhoff told his agent that he wants to be known as Hoff from now on. Agent: Sure David. No hassle.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If a short psychic broke out of jail, then you'd have a small medium at large.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does George Washington have in common with Aunt Petunia from Harry Potter? They both went to Mount Vernon.

  Tags: one-liners

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• For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A A A A K = biggest 4 of a kind.

  Tags: misc

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• What is a lacrosse players favorite type of car? A dodge!

  Tags: one-liners, animal, sports

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• If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer Joined Forces. They would become alloys

  Tags: one-liners

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• "Hello everyone, welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous." "I see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the difference between a unicorn and a carrot? One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler...

  Tags: one-liners

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• I had a dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like 0mg

  Tags: one-liners

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• Justice is a dish best served cold because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't understand why Steve Ballmer spent so much money on the Clippers. He doesn't even have hair.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Woodworm strolls into a pub and asks "Is the bar tender here"?

  Tags: misc

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• I asked my dad, “Why do you keep buying vinyl?”. Dad: Records are....always a sound purchase.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How did the two archaeologists fall in love? Carbon dating.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Doing yoga got me out of the habit of biting my fingernails. Now I bite my toenails.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• A cop just knocked on my door and said that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes...

  Tags: one-liners

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• I named my eraser Confidence. Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make

  Tags: one-liners

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• The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two clowns are eating a cannibal. The first clown says to the second "I think we're doing this joke wrong".

  Tags: one-liners

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• I use to eat natural foods, but then I found out that 65% of all people die of natural causes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? are they afraid someone will clean them?

  Tags: one-liners

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• "I'm Bill Gates, today I'll teach you how to count to 10" 1, 2, 3, NT, 95, 98, 2000, Me, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10

  Tags: one-liners

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• Her: Let's exchange numbers. Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• I've finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year. Now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".

  Tags: misc

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• Why was Anakin Skywalker rejected for a credit card? Because he applied for a MasterCard.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My favorite rapper is 50 cent. Or as the British people now call him, 10,000 pounds.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What kind of dessert comes out of a musical volcano? Bach Lava

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• I made a belt out of watches once... It was a complete waist of time.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'll never forget the first time we met. But I'll keep trying.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was raised as an only child. which really annoyed my sister

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm fine letting other people dot my i's, but crossing my t's? That's where I draw the line.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I told a girl she had drawn her eyebrows on too high... She looked surprised.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many country singers does it take to change a light bulb? 2. One to change it and one to sing about how much they miss the old one.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• When the bank gives my kid a lollipop I take it and eat it because I want him to understand how banks really work.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, money

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• My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you ever feel lonely... just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies. After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore.

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• When I was younger, I lived in a houseboat and started to date the girl next door. Unfortunately we soon drifted apart.

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• In Laughter, the L comes first. The rest of the letters come aughter it.

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• My friend asked me if the new Star Wars was in 3D and I said, yes, but they R2D2.

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• If breaks are meant to be slow... then why do they call it "breakfast"?

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• The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

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• If you have a bee in your hand what do you have in your eye? Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

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• What did the verb say when the words have, has, and had were removed from the English language? "Nobody's perfect!"

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• If you replace your morning coffee with green tea ..... You can lose up to 87% of what little joy you have left in your life.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I hear some rich guy wants to build a tavern at the top of Mount Everest. Talk about raising the bar high!

  Tags: puns

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• Every day two million Americans play tennis and one million of them lose.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• The Omicron Variant is like a Katy Perry song. Mild but pretty catchy.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• England has no kidney bank but... It does have a Liverpool

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• Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• You know what beats Stonehenge? Paperhenge

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• What part of a football ground is never the same? The changing rooms.

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• Where does a spy sleep? Under covers.

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• If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember everything.

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• I don't care how funny you are, if I don't like you, I won't laugh.

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• Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic? The Air Force; they're US AF

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• I just realized my countertop is made of marble.. I have been taking it for granite all these years.

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• Do you know why I make puns? Because it's my respunsibility.

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• Any time four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

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• Software architects should never design high security fences. They’re likely to make them highly scalable.

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• Customer: Waiter, I’m in a hurry! Will the pancakes be long? Waiter: No sir, round.

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• Newton: I've discovered calculus(1664). Leibneiz: I've discovered calculus(1670s) Newton: Really? Seems derivative.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• I wish I was poor one day in my life... Because being poor everyday sucks...

  Tags: one-liners

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