terasurfer — a terabyte of jokes

Jokes

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What Happens When a Lion Roars?
What happens when a lion roars? Tom n Jerry starts!
Tags: children
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Do you know what the secret of an islamic marriage is? The man get's to see a striptease every night!
Tags: misc
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How Does Sherlock Sneeze?
Brad: Chad, how does Sherlock Holmes sneeze? Chad: A clue ! A clue!
Tags: misc
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Dear God, So far today, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped. I haven't lost my temper. I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent.I am very thankful for that.But, in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed; and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot more help.Amen
Tags: misc
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What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; if ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
Tags: one-liners
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Mike, a 3-year-old, proudly walked into the kitchen of his house carrying a caterpillar. However, his mother was disgusted and wanted Mike to take it outside. "Mike, his mother is probably looking for him. Why don't you take him outside?" said the mother. Three minutes later, Mike was back. "Look mommy!" he said, showing his mother two caterpillars. "I got his mommy too!"
Tags: animal
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A 14-year old boy was helping his mom wash the dishes after dinner on a beautiful day. He says, "Mom, can I go outside? I want to play football." His mom says, "OK, but on one condition: you let your little brother play with you and your friends." The teenager replied with, "But mom, we already tried that. This time I want to play with a real football!"
Tags: sports
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How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb? 1 or 2? 1... or 2?
Tags: classic, general
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What do you call happiness? Seeing your mother-in-law's photo on the back of a milk carton!
Tags: one-liners
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What's a specimen? An Italian astronaut!
Tags: one-liners
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So, Michael Jackson walks into a bar. Oh, that looked like it hurt! It must have knocked his nose off!
Tags: bar
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How many presidents does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They'll only promise change.
Tags: light-bulbs
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The first TV remote control, introduced in 1950, was called Lazy Bones. Lemon sharks can give birth to about 36 babies at one time. The top of the Empire State Building was originally built as a place to anchor blimps. The area code in Cape Canaveral, Fl, is 321.
Tags: misc
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Why couldn't Spock flush the toilet?Because of the Captains Log.
Tags: misc
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A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.
Tags: misc
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I knocked several times, but you weren't in. - Opportunity
Tags: one-liners
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Mr. Dodgers and the children in the neighbourhood are raking leaves at Mr. Dodger's house. They have three piles of leaves in the back yard, and seven piles of leaves in the front yard. When Mr. Dodgers and the children put all the piles together, how many piles of leaves will they have? JUST ONE BIG PILE!!!
Tags: misc
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There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
Tags: one-liners
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Want to Hear a Clean Joke?
Want to hear a clean joke? Bob took a bath with bubbles. Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is Bobs neighbor.
Tags: one-liners
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A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
Tags: one-liners
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What do you call a monkey in a mine field? A babooooom!
Tags: classic, general
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What do you call cheese by itself? Provolone.
Tags: classic, general
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What do you call a blind deer? No idea (no eye deer.) What do you call a blind deer with no legs? Still no idea! (not moving [still] no eye deer)
Tags: animal
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What kind of music do welders like? Heavy metal.
Tags: classic, general
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What's a bigamist? A heavy fog in Naples!
Tags: one-liners
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Knock Knock Who's there? Doris Doris who? Door is shut thats why i knocked!
Tags: knock-knock
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Did you hear the one about the Polish wolf? He chewed off three legs and was still caught in the trap.
Tags: animal
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I saw this sign in a bar a few years ago. A camel can go eight days without a drink - but who the hell wants to be a camel.
Tags: bar
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Sign outside a Chinese restaurant: Try our curries, you'll never get better.
Tags: puns
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Q. what is more diffucult than getting a pregnant elephant in your car? A. getting an elephant pregnant in your car
Tags: misc
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What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't? Depreciation.
Tags: at-work
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Q: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs. A: Only one. ''Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb?''
Tags: light-bulbs
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Once there was a girl at a restaurant and ordered anything in a saucer. The waiter was walking to her table when the girl tripped him. The waiter said "Why did you trip me?" And the girl, without the least of the waiter's worries simply said "I wanted to see a flying saucer!"
Tags: misc
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Relish today, ketchup tomorrow! A hamburger walks into the bar, and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here." I wanted to be a mime, but I talked myself out of it. Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.
Tags: puns
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How do you generate a random string? Put a Windows user in front of Vim and tell them to exit.
Tags: classic, programming
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This guy comes walking out of a store carrying a big grandfather's clock. A drunk man bumps into him and the guy drops the clock and smashes it all to hell. The guy says, "Why don't you watch where you're going?" and the drunk says, "Why don't you carry a wrist watch like everybody else?"
Tags: misc
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The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating. -Heard in a neuropsychology classroom
Tags: medical
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A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Good heavens, I'm on the wrong bus!"
Tags: heaven-and-hell
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A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up." The boy looked at her quizzically: "Why does it have to be a secret?"
Tags: family-parents
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A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.""You're a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."The husband turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
Tags: men
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Mr. Smith: "So, Mr. Jones, how's your son John?" Mr. Jones: "He's at Harvard right now." Mr. Smith: "Oh, really?! Well, congratulations! What's he studying?" Mr. Jones: "Oh, he's not studying anything. They're studying him."
Tags: college
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Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. That's a hardware problem. A: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down. A: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
Tags: light-bulbs
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Once a bird pooped on me, so I threw it back.
Tags: animal
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As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Tags: one-liners
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Three blondes walk into a forest and soon find a pair of tracks.The first blonde says: "I think they're deer tracks."The second blonde says: "No, I think they're bear tracks."The third blonde says: "You're both wrong! They're bird tracks!"Then they get hit by a train.
Tags: blonde-jokes
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May your troubles be as few and far between as your great-grandmother's teeth.
Tags: one-liners
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Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral. -- Robert Orben
Tags: one-liners
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A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful. "Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender. "Who gave those beauties to you?" "Nobody gave them to me," said Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for both of them."
Tags: bar
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What's better than roses on your piano?? Tulips on your organ! (two-lips)
Tags: misc
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Period- The thing at the end of a sentence.
Tags: misc
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
Tags: children
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Premise I: Knowledge is power. Premise II: Power corrupts. Conclusion: Therefore, knowledge corrupts.
Tags: college
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DMV jokes get old really fast. Unlike the DMV. You have to go through a special line to become old.
Tags: at-work
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Q: How many Lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
Tags: light-bulbs
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Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. That's a software problem. A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.
Tags: light-bulbs
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What does the hot dog say after winning a race? I'm a WIENER!!!
Tags: misc
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What is the similarity between Einstein and Newton? Neither of them ever had a mobile phone!
Tags: tech
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Did you know... in Louisiana it is illegal to tie an alligator to a fire hydrant and leave it unattended? Really! It's true!
Tags: animal
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Mosquitos consider most people as food, but grandma's an open bar.
Tags: one-liners
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Two guys walked into a bar... you would have thought the second one would have ducked.
Tags: one-liners
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A computer teacher who doesn't speak good english tells his student "Paul open the window let the Air Force Come." At another time the same teacher and his wife sees one of his students in mall. The next day the teacher says to the student "Tim, yesterday I saw you with my wife at the mall."
Tags: misc
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After examining his patient, he informed Mr. Jones, "I'm afraid you only have two months left to live. Do you have any requests?""Yes, I'd like a second opinion. ""Fine. I also think you're ugly as sin. "
Tags: misc
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Teacher: Vincent, not to be presumptuous, but your short story is truly fantastic. Did you really write it? Vincent: Yes, I wrote, while my mother dictated...
Tags: children
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One time I went school shopping... AND BOUGHT THREE SCHOOLS!!!
Tags: misc
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Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems.
Tags: classic, general
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Q: Why did the turtle cross the road? A:To get to the shell gas station!
Tags: misc
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Throughout the centuries, mothers have been given their children plenty of good advice and notable quotes. Here's just a small sampling:
Tags: family-parents
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Why was Cinderella kicked off the basketball team? She kept running away from the ball!!
Tags: sports
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What did the cop say to the bad popcicle? Freeze!
Tags: misc
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I put a blank tape in my TV and turned the volume all the way up. The mime next door went crazy and called the cops.
Tags: misc
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Can you decipher this phrase? M L I K Milk shake!
Tags: misc
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Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.
Tags: misc
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Using proper punctuation, grammar, and spacing is highly recommended because it makes your jokes readable and understandable. If people are having a hard time understanding your jokes, they will be rated poorly and your score will suffer because of it.
Tags: misc
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Knock-knock Whose there? Says Says who? Says me
Tags: knock-knock
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Max: Here I am, once again! I'm torn into pieces...can't deny it, can't pretend! Just thought you were the one! Broken up, deep inside. But you don't get to see these tears I cry....BEHIND THESE HAZEL EYES! Bailey: So, wha'd you do with the money? Max: What money??? Bailey: The money your mom gave you for voice lessons!
Tags: children
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What do elves post on Social Media? Elf-ies.
Tags: classic, general
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Did you hear the one about the guy with the broken hearing aid? Neither did he.
Tags: classic, general
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What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport? Squash.
Tags: classic, general
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A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender, not wanting to serve a mushroom, says "Uh uh, I'm not serving no mushroom." "Aw, come on - I'm a fungi!" the mushroom replies.
Tags: bar
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Can you decipher this phrase? LINE = End of the Line!
Tags: one-liners
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Q: Why did the cookie go to the doctor? A: Because he felt crumby.
Tags: misc
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My goal is to find a soulmate. It's not cheating, just multi-tasking.
Tags: one-liners
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The Russians were called "Reds," a long while ago. So a war general named Rudolf walks into a bakery. The baker starts talking about owning a reindeer. He starts asking questions about it to the general. When the baker gets home, he tells his wife, "Rudolf the Red knows reindeer!"
Tags: puns
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Why was the JavaScript developer sad? He didn't know how to null his feelings.
Tags: classic, programming
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Hey! I recognize you! You're the third one over on the evolutionary scale!
Tags: one-liners
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Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage chesse, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
Tags: bar
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"Ciao amico, desidero comprare un mazzo di banane." "Il compagno spiacente, questo Ã ̈ un farmacista."
Tags: at-work
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How many mathematicians does it take to replace a lightbulb? Pi. 3 screw exactly a radius's length, and the last about-one-seventh screws it in all the way!
Tags: light-bulbs
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Roses are red, Roses are yellow; Grandfather's teeth Are lost in the Jello.
Tags: misc
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"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." - Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
Tags: at-work
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Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got fine written all over you!!!
Tags: misc
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Why do mathematicians like national parks? Because of the natural logs.
Tags: tech
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Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? They had a reptile dysfunction.
Tags: classic, general
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Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!"
Tags: misc
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Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
Tags: children
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What’s 50 Cent’s name in Zimbabwe? 200 Dollars.
Tags: classic, general
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What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.
Tags: classic, general
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A panda walks into a bar and eats lunch. When he is finished he shoots the waiter and leaves. The owner ran after the panda and asked him why he did such and thing. The panda replied, "Look up the word 'panda' in the dictionary." The owner did so and it read, "Panadas are black and white animals. They eat shoots and leaves."
Tags: animal
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Did you know they have Knight Rider in the GDR? It's a Trabant with a pocket calculator!
Tags: misc
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What did the spaghetti say to the other spaghetti? Pasta la vista, baby!
Tags: classic, general
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Just before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was abuzz as Mother Turkey scolded the younger birds. "You turkeys are always into mischief," she gobbled. "If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd turn over in his gravy."
Tags: animal
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How does a scientist freshen their breath? With experi-mints!
Tags: classic, general
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How do you keep a Michigan State Player out of your yard? Set up a goal post.
Tags: misc
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Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
Tags: classic, general
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What do you call a computer mouse that swears a lot? A cursor!
Tags: classic, programming
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A performative poet of Hibernia Rhymed himself into a hernia He became quite adept At this practise, except For the occasional non-sequitur.
Tags: misc
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Knock knock. Who's there? Yudare. Yudare who? You dare to disturb me,while I am sleeping?
Tags: knock-knock
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We child-proofed our home 3 years ago but they're still getting in!
Tags: children
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Why don't programmers like nature? Too many bugs.
Tags: classic, programming
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I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Tags: misc
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Can you decipher this phrase? A R M S Open arms!
Tags: one-liners
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What is the difference between a lawyer and a wood tick? A wood tick falls off when you die.
Tags: one-liners
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The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing yesterday.
Tags: one-liners
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If You Don't Know How to Read, Find Another Joke.
What happens to you if you can not read? Well, since you'll probably be staying in Kindergarten, less homework!
Tags: children
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A father asked his son: "Why do you take the medicine before it's time? " The son answered:" To surprise the germs! "
Tags: children
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What is Helen Keller's favorite color? Corduroy.
Tags: misc
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How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? He looks for one in a catalogue.
Tags: misc
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Why does it take longer to get from 1st to 2nd base, than it does to get from 2nd to 3rd base? Because there’s a Shortstop in between!
Tags: classic, general
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Remember, whenever someone says that you're nobody, remember nobody's perfect.
Tags: misc
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Why were the police at the baseball game? Because someone stole second base!
Tags: sports
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Judi is explaining to Monika the bad day she'd had at work.Judi's boss had suffered a heart attack and died.Monika said, "How horrible!What did you do?" Judi shook her head."There was nothing I *could* do.He kept yelling at me to call 9-1-1, but he wouldn't tell me the rest of the numbers!"
Tags: misc
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What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless! P.S. This works for just about any instrument player.
Tags: one-liners
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Why did the programmer bring a broom to work? To clean up all the bugs.
Tags: classic, programming
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Why can't Osama sleep with any of his 5 wives? Because all he sees is bush.
Tags: misc
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What do you get when you cross a praying mantis with a termite? A bug that says grace before eating your house.
Tags: one-liners
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A kid said to his Dad, "In school I learned Pluto is in outerspace. But they didn't say where Mickey is."
Tags: misc
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Please properly capitalize the title of the joke and each sentence within the joke. Proper names should also be capitalized.
Tags: misc
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Can February march? No, but April may.
Tags: classic, general
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A British girl recently moved to the United States and their home was near the Colorado River in Texas. The English teacher asked the kids to write about their home and neighborhood. The British girl wrote "My home is near the Colourado River." as part of her work.
Tags: children
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A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.
Tags: puns
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If a man is talking in the woods, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
Tags: misc
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Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
Tags: puns
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TOP 10 OLD FOLKS' PARTY GAMES1.Sag, You're It!2.Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy3.20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear4.Kick the Bucket5.Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over6.Doc, Doc Goose7.Simon Says Something Incoherent8.Hide and Go Pee9.Spin the Bottle of Mylanta10.Musical Recliners
Tags: music
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You know that you're a really boring person when someone steals your identity and then tries to give it back.
Tags: one-liners
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How do spell mousetrap with only three letters? C-A-T
Tags: animal
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What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy? A dry Martinez.
Tags: puns
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This is by me, the asshole who dupes himeself.
Tags: misc
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Why can't bicycles stand on their own? They are two tired
Tags: classic, general
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Why doesn't the glue inside the bottle dry?
Tags: one-liners
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Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?
Tags: misc
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Be nice to your kids, they'll choose your nursing home.
Tags: one-liners
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How do you explain counterclockwise to a kid who grew up with a digital watch?
Tags: misc
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Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?" The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."
Tags: medical
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Why did the melon jump into the water? Because it wanted to be a watermelon!
Tags: puns
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How many men does it take to change a light bulb in the kitchen?None.... Let her cook in the dark!
Tags: misc
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A good friend will say: "I love you!" (In a sarcastic tone) A best friend will say: "I love you, you f***in' b****!"
Tags: misc
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When Chuck Norris jumps in a pool he dosent get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris'd. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a horse. It's decendants are know as giraffes. Chuck Norris doesn't need oxygen, oxygen needs Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris doesn't pay off debt, debt pays off Chuck Norris.
Tags: misc
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.
Tags: misc
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I have a machine which has four cog wheels in constant mesh. The largest cog has 72 teeth and the others have 36, 25 and 15 respectively. How many revolutions must the largest cog make before each of the cogs is back in its starting position? 25 revolutions.
Tags: misc
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Knock-knock Who's there? Kook Kook who? Hey, who you calling cukoo mister?
Tags: knock-knock
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A bag of Cheetos has a contest. It says "No Purchase neccesary" but the code is on the inside...
Tags: misc
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Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?A: He thought it was a delivery service.
Tags: misc
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Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
Tags: one-liners
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What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
Tags: misc
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If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
Tags: one-liners
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Q: What's the difference between a rabbit and a cow? A: One's a rabbit and one is a cow
Tags: animal
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What do you call the planters guy beating up fruit spread? Peanut battering jelly.
Tags: puns
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Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning. He got to thinking about things, and asked, "Mommy, why does Daddy have so little hair on his head?" "He thinks a lot, dear," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a such good answer to her husband's baldness. "Then why do you have so much hair?" asked Little Johnny.
Tags: children
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I sprayed my dog with spot remover. Now he is gone.
Tags: animal
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What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.
Tags: at-work
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A golf ball is a golf ball, no matter how you putt it.
Tags: puns
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"Excuse me, is this tuna dolphin-friendly?" "Dolphin-friendly? He was only best man at Flipper's wedding!"
Tags: misc
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Why can't a dalmatian puppy hide from his mom? 'Cause he's already been spotted!
Tags: animal
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What's the difference between two yards? A. Usually a fence.
Tags: one-liners
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"What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?" "I don't know; and I couldn't care less."
Tags: one-liners
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"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, sir," the clerk replied."That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
Tags: family-parents
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In "The Greatest Story Ever Told", John Wayne played a centurion at the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. One of his lines was, "Truly he is the Son of God!" The director felt John W. wasn't putting enough into it, and asked him to deliver the line again, but with a little more emphasis - "to put some awe into it". "OK," says John, "Awww - truly he is the Son of God!"
Tags: puns
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What do call a crying alien baby? An Unidentifyed Crying Object!
Tags: misc
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The reason grandparents and children get along so well is really quite simple: They have a common enemy.
Tags: one-liners
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In a classroom, the teacher tell the pupils that peanuts make your smarter. Then a pupil said: "Are you nuts?"
Tags: college
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Have you heard about the amazing new discovery? It's a pill that is half aspirin and half glue for people who suffer from splitting headaches.
Tags: misc
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Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."
Tags: at-work
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Why didn't the skeleton go for prom? Because it had nobody.
Tags: classic, general
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A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. Very proud, she came home and put it on. She then showed her mother how she looked in it. "What do you think mom?" she asked. Her mother replied, "If I wore that when I was your age, you would be 5 years older."
Tags: misc
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A photon checks into a hotel. The porter asks if he has any luggage. "No thanks, I'm travelling light."
Tags: science, classic
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I wanted to learn how to make ice cream, so I started attending sundae school.
Tags: puns
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What did the popsicle say to the lollypop as he was leaving? So long, sucker!
Tags: misc
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Q: How many WASP Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.
Tags: light-bulbs
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An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.
Tags: sports
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When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
Tags: classic, general
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When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
Tags: classic, general
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The Blonde walked into a bar. The Brunette used the door. The redhead actually OPENED the door, and the Asian actually WENT THROUGH the door.
Tags: bar
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Girl: Did you kiss me when the lights were out?Boy: NoGirl: It must have been that other boy in the corner. Boy, starting to get up: I'll teach him a thing or two!Girl: You couldn't teach him a thing!
Tags: misc
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Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford? A: It only takes one to change your bulb...to his. A: Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone to really screw a bulb...
Tags: light-bulbs
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If 1/(x-8) approaches â as x approaches 8 from above, then will 1/(x-3) approach Ï as x approaches 3 from above?
Tags: college
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A budding actor: "Dad guess what? I've got my first part in a , I play the part of a man who has been maried for 25 years." Father: "That's a good start son, just keep at it and one of these days you'll get a speaking part."
Tags: family-parents
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What's missing? ch_ _ ch U R you are
Tags: misc
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What do you call a stupid garbage can? A Dumb-ster!
Tags: one-liners
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Borrow money from a pessimist---They don't expect it back.
Tags: one-liners
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Knock Knock. Who's there? Swen. Swen who? Swen are you going let me in!?
Tags: knock-knock
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This is a joke song ok "I pledge allegiance to the flag, Micheal Jackson is a fag. He used to play with little toys, but now he plays with little boys."
Tags: misc
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I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add to it.
Tags: one-liners
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A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications & said, "We have an opening for people like you.""Oh, great," the man said, "What is it?""It's called the door!".
Tags: misc
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What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahahaha.
Tags: classic, general
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A student said to Professor Stigler: "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."
Tags: misc
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There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm." The other cow replies, "Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."
Tags: farmers
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Rabinovich notes: "I would prefer it the other way round."
Tags: one-liners
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What is the definition of ultimate frustration? Two blind lesbians trying to find each other in a fish market.
Tags: misc
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Q: How many roaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb???? A: Since when do roaches screw in lightbulbs?
Tags: light-bulbs
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Why is revenge sweet, but payback is a b*tch?
Tags: misc
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What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
Tags: classic, general
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A doctor one day was accidentally cut rather badly on the leg. He went to an operating theatre and started to stitch his own leg up, using a local anaesthetic. While doing this, a colleague came into the room, and offered to help. The first doctor thanked him, but said he would carry on himself. The second doctor said, "Ok, suture self!"
Tags: puns
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What's better than going to school? Having play time every day!
Tags: misc
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What do you call a flying skunk? A smell-icopter
Tags: animal
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My friend Doug pointed up at a bird circling overhead and said, "Look, it's an eagle!" "That doesn't look like an eagle," I said. "Well of course not," he shot back amazingly quickly. "It's travelling incognito. Haven't you ever heard that "Eagles are Masters of De Skys?"
Tags: animal
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What's the object-oriented way to become wealthy? Inheritance
Tags: classic, programming
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You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same stuff?
Tags: misc
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Q. How do you say "Give me liberty or give me death!" in French? A. I give up.
Tags: misc
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How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb? Only one - but he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.
Tags: light-bulbs
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A little girl came to a pregnent lady, and while pointing to her stomach asked : "What's that?"The lady proudly replied: "That's my little baby and I love him very much!"The little girl then said: "If you love him that much, then why the hell did you eat him?"
Tags: heaven-and-hell
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Two jackrabbits are running from a pack of coyotes they manage to hide under a cactus. One says to the other: "Should we run for it, or wait till we outnumber 'em?"
Tags: animal
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Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney? A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.
Tags: misc
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In the morning elephants put springs on their feet and jump around the jungle. Now the most fearsome sound to a monkey is "Boing Boing"
Tags: animal
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Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.
Tags: light-bulbs
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You know you're a redneck when your brand new tv is sitting on your old ones.
Tags: puns
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A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."
Tags: women
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10=D in a M 10 decimeters in a meter.
Tags: animal
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An Irish man walks out of a bar..............Hey, It could happen
Tags: bar
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Why did the computer get sick? He left his windows open
Tags: tech
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Why are llamas big and brown? Beacause if they were small & grey, they would be mice.
Tags: animal
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How do you make the number one disappear? Add the letter G and it’s “gone”!
Tags: classic, general
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Knock Knock! Who's there? Amos. Amos who? Amosquito bit me!
Tags: knock-knock
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The Post Office briefly considered issuing stamps with Bill and Hillary's faces on them. However, test marketing verified that the customers would spit on the wrong side of the stamps.
Tags: misc
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"While getting dressed one morning, I decided I have been spending waaaaay too much time on the computer, when I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my make-up mirror to see what time it was." - Unknown
Tags: one-liners
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Game Set Match = Tennis Set Match Run = Arson
Tags: misc
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Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
Tags: classic, general
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Knock,knock! Who's there? King! King who? King Kong is now part of China.
Tags: knock-knock
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æ±¤å§æææäoï1⁄4æ æ3æä ̧åçè ̄3⁄4ãäoæ ̄å»æå®¤é»æ¿ä ̧åäoä ̧aéç¥ï1⁄4 Prof. Tom will not meet his classes this afternoon. æä ̧aè°ç®çå¦ççå°åï1⁄4æ3è·ææå1⁄4ä ̧aç©ç¬ï1⁄4æclassesåé¢çcæ¦ æäoã æ±¤å§ææä ̧åè· ̄è¿æå®¤æ¶åé¡oè· ̄è¿å»äoä ̧ä ̧ï1⁄4å¿ä ̧ä1⁄2ç¬äoï1⁄4éæå æ¦æäolã
Tags: misc
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Teacher: Justin if I had ten tennis balls in one hand, and twelve in another what would I have? Justin: Huge hands sir
Tags: at-work
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What's the difference between MJ and Mr. Potato Head? MJ has more noses. How are MJ and a Wal-Mart bag alike? They're both plastic and hazardous to children.
Tags: one-liners
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"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles."My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."
Tags: money
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Teacher: Jimmy, use the word "handsome" in a sentence. Jimmy: Handsome gum over will ya? Teacher: No, no, that's not right. You have one more chance. Use the word "gladiator" in a sentence. Jimmy: A monster ate my sister and I'm gladiator.
Tags: misc
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A shark is the only animal that can blink both eyes. A snail can sleep for three years. A crocodile cannot move its tongue.
Tags: misc
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What is the speed of dark?
Tags: misc
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Bad news: A man fell out of an airplane Good news: He had a parachute Bad news: The parachute didn't work Good news: There was a haystack beneath him Bad news: There was a pitchfork in the haystack Good news: He missed the pitchfork Bad news: He missed the haystack
Tags: misc
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Q: Why is an elephant big, grey and wrinkly? A: Because if it was small, white and hard it would be an aspirin.
Tags: animal
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"The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it."
Tags: misc
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Warning Signs That You Need A New Lawyer:1. You met him in prison.2. His last good case was a Budweiser.3. All his law books are from Time-Life.4. He picks the jury by playing duck, duck, goose.
Tags: misc
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The bartender at our golf club named a drink Lilac Crazy in honour of one of the members. Every time the member came to the 19th hole, that's exactly what he did.
Tags: sports
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You can fool all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, and that should be sufficient for most purposes.
Tags: one-liners
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Jokes

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