Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• Two guys are in the woods camping out when a bear attacks them. While the bear sniffs around the food, the first guy starts lacing up his sneakers. The second guys goes, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear!" The first guy replies, "I dont need to; I only have to outrun you."

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• How many Russian leaders does it take to change a lightbulb? We don't know. Russian leaders don't last as long as lightbulbs.

  Tags: light-bulbs

  Permalink

• Q)Where do penguins go to dance? A)The snowball

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Q: How do you sink a canadian submarine? A: You swim underneath it and knock on the door

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• If Bob the Butcher is 5'11'' what does he weigh? -Meat

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• (These are fake books, but they make me laugh) "Spots on the Wall" by Hoo-flung-poo "Under the Bleachers" by Seamore Butts "Ten Steps from the Outhouse" by Willie Makeit, Illustrations by Bettie Cant

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• It's okay to kiss a fool, and it's also okay to let a fool kiss you. But NEVER let a kiss fool you!

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• What's the difference between a bird and a fly? Well, a bird can fly . . .

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• The bumper sticker of a proud parent read: MY SON WAS INMATE OF THE MONTH

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What do scientists use to freshen their breath? Experi-mints

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• What is a pirate's favourite branch of the military? The Arrrmy... no, the Navy, he's a pirate!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• This is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio communication between a U.S. NAVY ship and Canadian authorities off the cost of Newfoundland, October 1995. Radio log released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/95: WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

  Tags: military

  Permalink

• How do you know if you have the swine flu? You wake up in pigtails and then break out in rashers!

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• Why are mummys scared of vacation? They're afraid to unwind.

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• One day a three legged dog walked into a bar. He said, "I'm looking for the guy that shot my paw."

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is? In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• Why are pirates called pirates? Because they arrr!

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• Q: What does the tooth fairy give for half a tooth? A: Nothing. She wants the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• Q. What's long and green and smells like pork?A. Kermit the frog's finger.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Have a funny story? Share it here.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Did you hear about the bread factory burning down? They say the business is toast.

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• And my FAVORITE...... The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Knock-Knock! Who's there? Chugga Chugga Chooch Chugga Chugga Chooch Who? Wheeee!! A train! All aboard!

  Tags: knock-knock

  Permalink

• Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?Patient: Give me the bad news first. Doctor: Well, we accidentally amputated the wrong leg. Patient: What's the good news?Doctor: It turns out that your other leg didn't need to be amputated at all.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• A guy takes his girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game he asked how she liked it."Oh, I really liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents.""What do you mean?""Everone kept screaming, "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• What is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint!

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• Teacher: "Johnny, what is the outside of a tree called?" Johnny: "I don't know." Teacher: "Bark, Johnny, bark." Johnny: "Bow, wow, wow!"

  Tags: children

  Permalink

• Q: Why is an elephant gray, large and wrinkled? A: Because if it were small, round, and white, it would be an aspirin. Q:What did the cat who had no money say?A:I'm paw.Q: What do you get if you cross an alley cat with a Chinese cat?A: A Peking Tom.Q: What happened to the cat that swallowed a ball of wool?A: She had mittens.

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness' but it doesn't work.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I was in Target the other day, shopping with a young lady friend. We were walking past the furniture section where there were several different models of bar stools on display. Next to them there was a sign that read: "All models in stock now!" So I paused next to the display and said, "Do you know what these are?" "What?" she asked. I said, "Stool samples."

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Q. What are the two main political parties in Canada? A. Moose and Squirrel

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• Knock, Knock Who's there? Ya Ya - who? I didn't know you could yodel! Yahoooo!

  Tags: knock-knock

  Permalink

• Teacher: If you stood with your back to the north and faced due south, what would be on your left hand? Lisa: Fingers

  Tags: children

  Permalink

• Some days you are the bug. Some days you are the windshield.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Want to hear a backwards joke? ekoj

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• A little boy was in a bookstore with his dad. They were browsing for books when the little kid said,"You know American Idol?" His dad said, "Yeah." The kid then said, "If they win, they'll become poptarts!"

  Tags: children

  Permalink

• Where do fish keep their money? In a riverbank!

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• How many George Walter Bushes does it take to change a lightbulb? Luckily, only 2. The world can't handle many more idiots.

  Tags: light-bulbs

  Permalink

• What do elephants have that nothing else has? Baby elephants!

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't? Depreciation.

  Tags: at-work

  Permalink

• Knock-Knock Why are you knocking? I've got a doorbell

  Tags: knock-knock

  Permalink

• Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!!!"

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• Q: What did the chicken say after it crossed the road? A: "Why is everyone always talking about me?"

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace. (Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight. They consider this joke to be a disgrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.)

  Tags: light-bulbs

  Permalink

• Two detectives were investigating a scene, The victims had their hands and head cut off. "It's going to be a nightmare identifying the bodies, with no finger prints or faces" said one. The other replied, "I thought it would be rather easy, how many people do you know walking around with no head or hands?"

  Tags: at-work

  Permalink

• A parachute used once, but has never been open!

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Why did the half blind man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well!

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• When the media askes George Bush a question about the war he says, "Uhh, Can I use a life line?"

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• This guy comes walking out of a store carrying a big grandfather's clock. A drunk man bumps into him and the guy drops the clock and smashes it all to hell. The guy says, "Why don't you watch where you're going?" and the drunk says, "Why don't you carry a wrist watch like everybody else?"

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Why did the kid walk backwards to school? Because it was back to school day!

  Tags: children

  Permalink

• The folks at American Greetings have compiled a list of lines to use when signing you valentine.... depending on your personality.

  Tags: holidays

  Permalink

• Where does a Dog go when he loses his tail? Answer: A retailer

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Friend 1:"Yeh,you are looking too fat." Friend 2:"You are looking too old." Friend 1:"I am not old." Friend 2:"Then, I am not too fat."

  Tags: children

  Permalink

• The Perfect Breakfast: You're sitting at the table and: your son is on the cover of the box of Wheaties.... your mistress is on the cover of Playboy ... and your wife is on the back of the milk carton...

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Want to hear my pizza joke? Never mind, it's too cheesy.

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• A man walks into a bar and throws down a bet. 100 dollars to anyone who can do 100 pushups. A man disappears outside and returns minutes later. "I'll take that bet" the man says, and collapses after 50 pushups. "I don't get it", he says," I just did 150 outside!"

  Tags: bar

  Permalink

• Why did the penny jump off the cliff and not the quarter? Because the quarter had more cents!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Q: What goes, "KCAUQ, KCAUQ"? A: A duck flying backwards!

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• "Do you know that your dog bit my mother-in-law yesterday?" "Is that so? Well, I suppose you'll sue me for damages?" "Not at all. What'll you take for the dog?"

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• Wanna hear a dirty joke? A boy fell in a mud puddle.

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• If four people are standing under an umbrella and the umbrella has a hole in it, how many people are getting wet? None. It wasn't raining!

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Knock Knock! Who's There? Dishwasher. Dishwasher Who? Dishwasher whay I sphoke vhefore I hafe fawse feeth (This was the way I spoke before I had false teeth)

  Tags: knock-knock

  Permalink

• What do you call a herd of white people? Avalanche What do you call a herd of black people? Mudslide What do you call a herd of mexicans? Jailbreak!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• My pal is addicted to brake fluid - but he says he can stop any time he wants.

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• What math term tells what acorns say when they are a tree??? Geometry!! (Geo-m-e-try) (Gee I'm a tree)

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• How come people are willing to get up off their butts to search the whole room for the remote, because they refuse to get up and change channels manually?

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• What do you call two barracuda fish? A Pairacuda!

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• Q: How many libertarians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Libertarians never change light bulbs, because someone might enter the room who wants to sit in the dark.

  Tags: light-bulbs

  Permalink

• Are you overworked, under paid, over-regulated, under-leisured, and underbenefited? Take heart! Not only could it be worse, it has been. This notice was found in the ruins of a London office building. It was dated 1852:

  Tags: business

  Permalink

• The journey of a thousand miles ... begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• "Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.""That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

  Tags: men

  Permalink

• Don't look at the eclipse through a colander. You'll strain your eyes.

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• Johnny and his mother were having a parent-teacher conference. MOTHER: Johnny really enjoys having you as a teacher, Mrs. Bengal. JOHNNY: Really? I didn't know it was opposite day!

  Tags: children

  Permalink

• How do locomotives know where they're going? Lots of training

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• Why do firemen use red suspenders? To hold their pants up!!!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Q - What do barbed wire and a thong have in common? A - Both protect the property, but neither obstruct the view.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Who Invented the Snooze Button?

  I want to kick the guy who invented the snooze button...then five minutes later, I'll kick him again. Thanks Andrew!

  Tags: tech

  Permalink

• Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• I play in the low 80's. If it is hotter than that, I won't play.

  Tags: sports

  Permalink

• What biscuit does a short person like? Shortbread.

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• Confucius Say: Crowd in elevator smell different to midget.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• rudeness - someone who keeps talking while your are trying to interrupt.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• How does a rodeo star get around? With a cattle-act.

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• Mosquitos consider most people as food, but grandma's an open bar.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• A photon checks into a hotel. The porter asks if he has any luggage. "No thanks, I'm travelling light."

  Tags: science, classic

  Permalink

• Kids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Question: What is brown and sticky? Answer: A stick! Duh.

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• A shark is the only animal that can blink both eyes. A snail can sleep for three years. A crocodile cannot move its tongue.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• In the morning elephants put springs on their feet and jump around the jungle. Now the most fearsome sound to a monkey is "Boing Boing"

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• Q: How many FBI agents does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'm afraid that you are not able to receive this classified information.

  Tags: light-bulbs

  Permalink

• I went into a restaurant that served 'breakfast at any time'. So, I asked for French Toast in the time of the Renaissance

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• My grandson is four and can recite the whole Gettysburg Address. Abraham Lincoln couldn't do it until he was fifty-four. - Sam Levenson.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• why does sour cream have an expiry date?

  Tags: deep-thoughts

  Permalink

• What You Don't Want on a Plane

  What you don't want to hear on an aeroplane: "You can't leave us now Captain, not at this stage!"

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• "Three people of different nationalities walk into a bar. Two of them say something smart, and the third one makes a mockery of his fellow countrymen by acting dumb."

  Tags: bar

  Permalink

• "Is that right, that you Dubliners always answer a question with another question?" "Now, who would be telling you that?"

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• How many lightbulbs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 0. No lightbulbs want to torture their own kind!

  Tags: light-bulbs

  Permalink

• A paper bag goes to his doctor, who says; "Your test results are back, and I'm afraid I have bad news. You have AIDS. "That's impossible," cried the paper bag, "I've not had any form of sexual contact, nor am I a drug user!" "In that case," said the doctor, "your father must have been a carrier."

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• Why is the letter E like London? Because it is the Capital of England

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Said the pig to his pop, "There's the candy shop. Oh, please Let's go inside." "And I promise I won't make a kid of myself if you give me a people-back ride."

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• What's the difference between a Ford and a golf ball? You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• How many teachers does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, one to turn it the other to grade the person.

  Tags: light-bulbs

  Permalink

• A woman went to a tattoo parlor. The artist was curious at her unsual request: A turkey on one leg and a ham on the other. The woman looked at the artist and said"My husband complains there is nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

  Tags: holidays

  Permalink

• A guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor says,"Well sir,I have bad news and I have worse news". The guy says, "well gimme the worst news first". The doc says, "well sir you have Cancer". The guy says "that's terrible news, but whats the bad news?" The doc says "well sir, you also have Alzheimers disease". "Well", answers the guy, "at least I don't have Cancer".

  Tags: medical

  Permalink

• Put the characters C - D - I - M - L - V - X in the right order - but not alphabetical. I - V - X - L - C - D - M. Roman numerals.

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant? A: Have you ever seen a yellow elephant?

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• Q: When is a black dog not a black dog? A: When its a grey hound.

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• Q:Why did Minie Mouse get kicked out of the sand box?A:Becase she sat on Pinochio's face and said "Lie to me Pinochio lie!"

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• In "The Greatest Story Ever Told", John Wayne played a centurion at the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. One of his lines was, "Truly he is the Son of God!" The director felt John W. wasn't putting enough into it, and asked him to deliver the line again, but with a little more emphasis - "to put some awe into it". "OK," says John, "Awww - truly he is the Son of God!"

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• The Russians were called "Reds," a long while ago. So a war general named Rudolf walks into a bakery. The baker starts talking about owning a reindeer. He starts asking questions about it to the general. When the baker gets home, he tells his wife, "Rudolf the Red knows reindeer!"

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?" 'Yeah,' the man answered, 'I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life.' 'But you look like Abe Lincoln.' protested the barkeep. 'That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago.'

  Tags: bar

  Permalink

• "People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day." -Poor Bear

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• The similarity of all the people that live is that they are alive and they are living.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Where do you learn to make banana splits? At sundae school.

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• Wat is die toppunt van geraas? 2 geraamtes wat woellig spyker op n sinkdak met n coke blikkie as n kondoom!

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• My computer went on a diet. Now it's down to a terabyte.

  Tags: tech, puns

  Permalink

• A blonde and a brunette were walking down the basement stairs in the dark to find a wrench when the blonde screamed. "Something brushed against my rightr leg!!" "Oh My Gosh. Are you sure?" "Yea and it keeps doing it." she said as she ran around the basement. Then she stopped and thought for a second. "Hold up. That was just my left leg.

  Tags: blonde-jokes

  Permalink

• Sing it, it sounds better: His baloney has a first name: It's "I did not inhale." His baloney has a second name: "I wasn't getting tail." He loves to sling it every day, The White House people all just say, That Billy Clinton has a way Of making bullsh*t sound OK!

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Q: What is the difference between a fish and a piano ? A: You can't tuna fish.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• What kind of magic do cows believe in? MOODOO.

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the bulb has got to WANT to change.

  Tags: light-bulbs

  Permalink

• Carnac the Magnificent was one of the highlights of the Johnny Carson Show. In the ongoing sketch, Carnac would draw a sealed envelope from a mayonnaise jar, and hold it to his forehead. He would then answer the question sealed inside the envelope. What is missing here is his delivery. Great sketch - and you might get lucky enough to find it on Nickoleodeon.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!!!

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Join the Marines: Visit exotic places, meet interesting people and then kill them.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• When I worked in the tourist industry in Florida, we got to wear some of the buttons that were for sale. My favorite read : We love serving tourists; I like mine well done!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• "I started a new band called The Chimes" "What kind of band?" "Acapella Ska" "What do you play?" "Drums"

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Teacher: Larry, name two pronouns. Larry: Who, Me? Teacher: That answer is correct.

  Tags: children

  Permalink

• Why did the barber win the race? He took a short cut.

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• What did the big flower say to the littler flower? Hi, bud!

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a pig? Jurassic pork!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• A man went to the hospital with a sprained ankle. The doctor said, "Don't worry, you'll be walking in no time." He was. The doctor stole his car.

  Tags: medical

  Permalink

• Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up? Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

  Tags: classic, programming

  Permalink

• Murphy's Law of Cable TV If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Good luck turns into bad luck when you call the credit card company to tell them they made a mistake on your bill..... and they agree because they didn't charge you enough. Good luck turns into bad luck when the cutest boy rings you up.... then apologies because he dialed the wrong number.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• What movie is really the sequel to April Fools? The May-Tricks

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? time to get a new fence!

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb? One I hope.

  Tags: light-bulbs

  Permalink

• What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• Michael Jackson was on a cruise with 100 Boy Scouts when the ship hit an iceberg and started to sink. The captain announced, "Everyone abandon ship! We're going down!" Michael asked, "What about the children?" The captain replied, "Screw the children!" Michael looked around eagerly and asked, "Do we have time?"

  Tags: military

  Permalink

• Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• What do you get when you cross a parrot and a centipede?A walkie-talkie.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• At a lecture series a very poor speaker was on the platform. As he was speaking, people began to get up and leave. It continued like this until there was only one person left in the audience. Finally the speaker stopped and asked the man why he stayed until the end. He replied, "I'm the other speaker. "

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Where Did You Learn that From?

  This is a true story told to me. A big city news anchor is driving along the freeway when his young son asks him, "Daddy, what does motherf____r mean?" He turns to his son, "That's a really bad word, don't ever say that again. Where did you learn that?!?!?" His son answers innocently, "Well, that's what you just said about that car you said cut you off."

  Tags: children

  Permalink

• This little boy asked his mother one day why his father had no hair. His mother replied, "Well dear, that's because he thinks alot." Having prided herself with coming up with such a wonderful answer she heard her son say, "Gee mommy I'm sure glad you don't think 'cause you'd look funny with no hair!"

  Tags: children

  Permalink

• Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken.Call the manager! Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Knock knock. Who's there? Someone too short to ring the doorbell.

  Tags: knock-knock

  Permalink

• Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb??A: 2, but don't ask me how they got in there!!

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?" "Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• Joe: When I would wear my hand-me-downs to school, all of the boys would make fun of me. Moe: What did you do?Joe: I hit them over the head with my purse.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Have you heard about the sauna that serves food? Their specialty is steamed mussels.

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Knock-knock Who's there? Joe Joe who? Jo mama

  Tags: knock-knock

  Permalink

• A duck hunter, proud of his markmanship, took his son out one morning to witness his skill. After some time a lone duck flew by. "Watch this," whispered the dad, as he took aim and carefully fired. The duck flew serenely on. "My boy," said the hunter, "you are witnessing a great miracle. There flies a dead duck. "

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• There's a fella in a fast-food outlet, and he's just received his order of 7 hot-dogs, 9 Big Macs and 6 large Cokes. The counterhand says, "Would you like a tray?" The customer replies, "Steady on, haven't I got enough to carry already?"

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Did you hear about the football game with the 0-0 score? Never mind, it's pointless.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one, and everyone elses' stinks.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Knock Knock! Who's there? Who! Who who? You must have the stammers!

  Tags: knock-knock

  Permalink

• I wouldn't have believed this unless I seen it with my own eyes. I was walking down a street in the city I live in and noticed a store was going out of business. In the window was a huge sign "GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SALE", directly below that sign was another sign that said "NOW HIRING!" Talk about no job security!

  Tags: at-work

  Permalink

• "Honor System Virus" This virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard disk, then forward this message to everyone you know. Thank you for your cooperation.

  Tags: computers

  Permalink

• Want to hear a joke about construction? Nah, I'm still working on it.

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• How many country singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1 to screw it in, and 3 to write a song about it.

  Tags: light-bulbs

  Permalink

• Foreign Film Any movie shown in a Texas theater that isn't a western.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• This is the best joke ever! Give it a full smiley :) :) :) :)

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Be nice to your kids, they'll choose your nursing home.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• An actual headline: "Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers"

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• What part of music is the part you'd better not try to sing? Refrain!

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• Jersey girls aren't trash; trash gets picked up.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• And the beast shall come forth surrounded by a roiling cloud of vengeance. The house of the unbelievers shall be razed and they shall be scorched to the earth. Their tags shall blink until the end of days.

  Tags: tech

  Permalink

• Don't argue with an idiot. He may be doing the same thing.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I had four cappuccinos at one time. I was bouncing off the walls. Good thing they were padded.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Q: How long will it take for a field service engineer to change a light bulb? A: That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with them.

  Tags: light-bulbs

  Permalink

• Racing through the snow a onewarde southern sleigh, all the way we go bahing through the trees, the snow is turning red, I think i'm almost dead, all the children laugh and play around my stupid head!

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that there is no bad news. The bad news is that there is no good news.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• What type of saw cuts the sea? A see-saw.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• A woman and her goose walked into a bar. The bartender asked, "Why'd you bring the pig in the bar?" The woman answered, "I do believe this is a goose!" The bartender says, "I was talking to the goose!"

  Tags: bar

  Permalink

• The word 'function' should never function as a verb.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. There never was any light bulb. Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.

  Tags: light-bulbs

  Permalink

• Which candles burn longer, the candles on a girl's cake or a boy's cake? No candles burn longer. They all burn shorter.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Three men were at a business convention where they were discussing cars. One man said, "I am an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn." Another man says, "I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort." The last man speaks up saying, "Well, I beat both of you - I am a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe!"

  Tags: at-work

  Permalink

• Q: Why did the little girls put minnows in their pants? A: So they could smell like big girls.

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• Why Didn't the Chicken Cross the Road?

  Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because he's "chicken".

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• A kid is asking questions about many professionals, when they urgently need to go to the rest rooms:

  Tags: music

  Permalink

• Politics comes from the root "poli-", which means many, and "-tics", which means, blood-sucking creatures.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What do you call a drive-by shooting in Chinatown? A cappuchino.

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• In a recent survey, 60 percent of respondents said the cities they live in are noisier now than they were five years ago. The other 40 percent didn't hear the question.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Q: What's the difference between a rabbit and a cow? A: One's a rabbit and one is a cow

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• One day Socrates is walking down the road and sees his old friend Uripedes carrying a pair of pants. Socrates says "Hi, Uripedes" Uripidees says "I sure did, Usodes?"

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• A boy go to a girls house and notice her home is very messy and full of paper and clay pot and clothing all over. The boy tell her he bring some pot to her and she answer there is clay pot all over home.

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• What did one nut say as he chased another nut? I'm a cashew!

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• Johnny: "Dad, stop drinking my root beer!!! Do I get free refills?" Dad: "Sure -- I backwashed!"

  Tags: children

  Permalink

• An Indian man made a painting with the sun above a beach. He proudly displayed his painting. When people marvel at his work and asked, "What's it called?" He said, "Sun of a Beach."

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• How come the stadium got hot after the game? Because all of the fans left.

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• How many jazz musicians does it take to change a lightbulb? Don't worry about the changes, we'll fake it! Note: In jazz, the chord changes are what dictates the improvisation of the music.

  Tags: light-bulbs

  Permalink

• Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."

  Tags: children

  Permalink

• Why did the chicken lay the egg?Because everyone else was taken

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree!

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• Why Wouldn't He Listen?

  One chicken says to the other, "For heaven's sake, don't cross the road! We'll never hear the end of it!"

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• How many worms does it take to screw in a light bulb? What kind of an idiot thinks worms can screw in light bulbs?!

  Tags: light-bulbs

  Permalink

• Q: How do you shoot a purple elephant? A: Paint him red, hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• A man was solving a crossword. For a four-letter word there was a clue: Look at the picture ! The man entered: I see .

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Joseph, Mary and their son were doing chores around their home in Nazareth when suddenly, Jesus ran outside to Joseph, and asked, "Did you call me?" "No, I'm sorry," Joseph replied, "I just hit my thumb with the hammer again."

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts.

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• Why is it hard for dalmatians to play hide-and-seek? Because they're always spotted!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Q: What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?A: About .....35 pounds.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Here's a stupid warning label: If you look at a fire extinguisher, it will say "Non-flamable"

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Gary: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test. Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

  Tags: college

  Permalink

• Why did the programmer bring a ladder to work? They heard the code needed to be debugged from a higher level.

  Tags: classic, programming

  Permalink

• What do Micheal Jackson and a PS2 have in common? They're both plastic, can be black or white and can be turned on by children.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• What's the worst part about being a cross-eyed teacher? They can't control their pupils.

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• Do you think god gets stoned? I do. Look at the platypus! -Robin Williams

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a drink?". The bartender replies, "For you, no charge".

  Tags: bar

  Permalink

• Q. What do cows do for fun? A. They go to MOO-vies!

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• Bill had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?" Five small voices answered in unison: "Okay, Dad, you get the toy."

  Tags: children

  Permalink

• What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• One day, a teacher at an elementary school asks one of her students how clouds form. She replied "I'm not sure how clouds form, but the clouds know how to form, and that's the important thing...."

  Tags: children

  Permalink

• Q: What to you call it when your pet jackrabbit dies? A: A bad "Hare" day

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• A man was having a serious surgical operation. When he woke up, he asked his doctor, "Did it go well?" "It went perfectly." "Then why do I have this headache?" "Oh, that. Halfway through the operation, we ran out of anesthetic."

  Tags: medical

  Permalink

• A woman went to her psychiatrist and said, "Doctor, I want to talk to you about my husband. He thinks he's a refrigerator. " "That's not so bad," said the doctor. "It's a rather harmless complex. " "Well, maybe," replied the lady. "But he sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake along with the chillness. "

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• A priest was walking down the street when he saw a little boy jumping up and down to try to reach a doorbell. So the priest walked over and pressed the button for the youngster. "And now what, my little man?" he asked. "Now," said the boy, "run like hell!"

  Tags: children

  Permalink

• What did the cop say to the bad popcicle? Freeze!

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Q: How many presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb? A: Fewer and fewer all the time.

  Tags: light-bulbs

  Permalink

• BOB: Hey, I ran into George the other day. JOE: Oh, really? Was he happy to see you? BOB: Well, we were in our cars at the time...

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom!

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink

• Can You Decipher This Phrase?

  Can You Decipher This Phrase? pu Back up!

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says "What is this - some kind of joke?"

  Tags: bar

  Permalink

• Why do bears have hairy coats? Fur protection.

  Tags: classic, general

  Permalink