Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• "Flight 2341, for noise abatement, turn right 45 degrees." "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

  Tags: misc

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• What does a dog do in your backyard that you don't want to step in? Dig a hole. If you step in the hole, you might twist your ankle!

  Tags: animal

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• What do you call an elephant chasing a cat? Depends on what his name is.....

  Tags: animal

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• Q: What is the definition of a sick bird? A: Illegal

  Tags: animal

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• Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? It's two-tired.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?" The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad we're penguins, doesn't it?"

  Tags: animal

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• A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

  Tags: misc

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• TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of 'COINCIDENCE?'" STUDENT: "Sir, my mother and my father got married on the same day, same time."

  Tags: children

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• How many Michael Jacksons does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Answer: One, but 500 children to hold the ladder!

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• A machine operator comes home from the factory and tells his wife, "Honey, I've got some good news and some bad news. First, the good news, I got $25,000 severance pay!" His wife said, "$25,000 in severance pay? That's great! So what's the bad news?" He said, "Wait till you hear what was severed!"

  Tags: at-work

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• I am sure most people have heard of or watched the popular show the Ozbournes and still more people have Heard Ozzy sing. My question is how can Ozzy sing if he can't talk???

  Tags: misc

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• Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?A: He thought it was a delivery service.

  Tags: misc

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• Q: What has four legs and an arm? A: A happy pitbull. Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?A: Lipstick!

  Tags: misc

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• A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him. "Yes," she replied readily. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all."

  Tags: men

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• "Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient. "You only have six months to live." The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time." "Okay," the doctor said, "let's make it nine months."

  Tags: misc

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• Eager to make full use of my new computer's capabilities, I asked a customer-service representative at my bank whether it offered on-line banking. "Certainly," she stated matter-of-factly, pointing to a crowd of people near the tellers. "The line starts over there."

  Tags: tech

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• Did you know they have Knight Rider in the GDR? It's a Trabant with a pocket calculator!

  Tags: misc

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• How many blondes does it take to wash a car? Two. One to hold the sponge, and one to drive the car back and fourth.

  Tags: misc

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• One time I went school shopping... AND BOUGHT THREE SCHOOLS!!!

  Tags: misc

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• Note: Tradewars is on online role-playing game where you are a spaceship captain, and roam a 5,000 sector universe trading and/or killing away. You also get to build things and gather colonists. Look for the game on local BBS' On your first game you most likely did the following:

  Tags: misc

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• A SQL query walks into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks... 'Can I join you?'

  Tags: classic, programming

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• What's a bigamist? A heavy fog in Naples!

  Tags: one-liners

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• "All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific." -Jane Wagner

  Tags: one-liners

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• Thngs Not To Say To A Cop #1

  Hey, I saw you in Dunkin' donuts yesterday!! You're the one ordering triple chocolate, double vanilla, quadrupal cinnamon and double whip cream dounut filled with sprinkles.

  Tags: misc

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• Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from KFC

  Tags: misc

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• When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it's an anagram of 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.

  Tags: tech

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• A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications & said, "We have an opening for people like you.""Oh, great," the man said, "What is it?""It's called the door!".

  Tags: misc

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• I was walking down the road and saw a sign which read, "SIDEWALK AHEAD CLOSED. PLEASE USE OTHER SIDE OF ROAD". Oooh, it made me cross!

  Tags: puns

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• What's better than roses on your piano?? Tulips on your organ! (two-lips)

  Tags: misc

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• Two bees in their hive on a lovely summer day, and one says to the other, "'Swarm in here, isn't it?"

  Tags: puns

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• In "The Greatest Story Ever Told", John Wayne played a centurion at the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. One of his lines was, "Truly he is the Son of God!" The director felt John W. wasn't putting enough into it, and asked him to deliver the line again, but with a little more emphasis - "to put some awe into it". "OK," says John, "Awww - truly he is the Son of God!"

  Tags: puns

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• What is the speed of dark?

  Tags: misc

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• This is Meant to be Funny in a Stupid Way

  Where does Superman's goldfish live ? In the superbowl....

  Tags: animal

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• Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?A: Cut the rope.

  Tags: misc

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• A wig factory was broken into last night and a large quantity of wigs was stolen. Police are combing the area.

  Tags: puns

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• Can you decipher this phrase? lookkool Look both ways!

  Tags: animal

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• How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? Through a catalogue!!

  Tags: misc

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• Don't drink and drive, you'll spill your beer.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Knock knock. Who's there? A broken pencil. A broken pencil who? Never mind. It's pointless.

  Tags: classic, knock-knock

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• What did the father buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? - Bison!

  Tags: animal

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• A man was lost for hours when he suddenly came up to a house. The man knocked on the door and asks to enter. The woman who owns the house asked, "Who is it?" The man answered, "I and I King Silassi I Jah Rasta Fari." The lady replied, "Go away, there are too many of you for me to let you in."

  Tags: knock-knock

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• Courtney: Let's see who can stay up the longest tonight. Kaitlyn: I know! We'll pinch each other every ten minutes to make sure we don't fall asleep! Starting right NOW! Courtney: Hey, I'm not even tired! Kaitlyn: See, my plan is working!

  Tags: misc

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• Knock-Knock? Who's there? Alison. Alison who? Alison (I listen) to the radio sometimes!

  Tags: knock-knock

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• Dear Washington State residents: The recent earthquakes were just a warning. Now that we have your attention, sell us your power, give us back our sunshine, take back your rain and we'll take back our earthquakes. [signed] The People of California

  Tags: misc

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• Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant? A: With a blue elephant gun.

  Tags: animal

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• Q: How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb? A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• How many republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they only screw the poor.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• "You certainly look cool." "Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself."

  Tags: one-liners

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• Knock knock. Who's there? Poop!

  Tags: knock-knock

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• So ya know, I've been taking these kung-fu classes lately. I must say,they are great. Teach you how to be as powerful as a tiger, as quick as a monkey, as smart as a dragon. Why just the other day, these guys came up to me with a knife and demanded money. So, I turned into a chicken and ran!

  Tags: misc

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• On a trip to see Santa, little Johnny climbed into St. Nick's lap and shared his wish list. Later that day, in another store, there was Santa again! "And what would you like for Christmas?" he asked little Johnny. Shaking his head, Johnny sighed, "You really need to write these things down."

  Tags: children

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• I hope you never get a tetanus shot; maybe you'll windup with lockjaw.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Which candles burn longer, the candles on a girl's cake or a boy's cake? No candles burn longer. They all burn shorter.

  Tags: misc

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• Q: What do you call a group of blondes in a circle?A: A dope ring!!

  Tags: misc

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• Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears? No, how was that? He had a right ear,a left ear,and a wild frontier.

  Tags: misc

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• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day... Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. The guitarist holds the bulb and the world revolves around him!

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Knock knock. Who's there? He. He who? He who must not be named, so don't say it!

  Tags: knock-knock

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• Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. That's a software problem. A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• A man walks in to an auto store and askes the blonde cashier where the turtle wax is. the blonde says,"i'm sorry sir, but we don't sell pet supplies."

  Tags: blonde-jokes

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• Q: How many 'Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Here's a good trick to try on people... Say to them: "I'm going to ask you two questions. one you have to answer yes, the other you have to answer no. 1st question: Are you stupid? <(you can put in anything you want here) 2nd question: Are you a liar?

  Tags: misc

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• Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney? A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

  Tags: misc

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• It's impossible to be a participant in the march of time and not get a few blisters.

  Tags: one-liners

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• As I was coming back from Canada, I stopped at the border and the guy asked, "Do you have any firearms with you?" I answered, "What do you need?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• "Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.""That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

  Tags: men

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• Two kids were bragging about the toys they owned. One of them said, "This is Action Man! He's been in Viet Nam, Operation Desert Storm, Iraq - and the vacuum cleaner twice!"

  Tags: children

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• Can you decipher this phrase? TTTTTTTTTT Tent.

  Tags: one-liners

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• rudeness - someone who keeps talking while your are trying to interrupt.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How can you tell an elephant from an ant? An ant is easier to pick up!

  Tags: animal

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• What is red, black, has ten eyes, and crawls? I do not know but it is on your head.

  Tags: animal

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• What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Why did the kid walk backwards to school? Because it was back to school day!

  Tags: children

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• One day a boy said to his mom, "I'm a Picses, what are you?" The the mom answered, "Cancer." The boy then asked in a shocked state, "You killed Grandma?"

  Tags: children

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• Q-If the big breasted women work at Hooters, where does the one legged woman work? A-Ihop

  Tags: misc

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• What did the robot say to the centipede? Stop being a centipede!!!................................ its funny cause the robot doesnt have any legs

  Tags: misc

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• How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb??? None, they will just have there robot do it.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?" The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant."

  Tags: at-work

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• If you don't like my driving, stay out of the bus shelters!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the computer get sick? He left his windows open

  Tags: tech

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• Q. How do you say "Give me liberty or give me death!" in French? A. I give up.

  Tags: misc

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• Q: How long will it take for a field service engineer to change two dead bulbs? A: They replace your fuse box.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again... It was probably worth it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Money can't buy everything... but then again, neither can no money.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is Helen Keller's favorite color? Corduroy.

  Tags: misc

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• Why did the rooster cross the road? He heard that the chickens at KFC were pretty hot.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Guest: "A cup of coffee, please!" Waiter: "Turkish or filtered?" Guest: "Why, filtered, of course." Waiter: "Then you'll have to bring your own filter paper for now."

  Tags: bar

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• Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

  Tags: misc

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• Q)Where do penguins go to dance? A)The snowball

  Tags: one-liners

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• A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he met a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, "Only caught one, eh?"

  Tags: sports

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• A fortune teller escaped from prison and became a small medium at large.

  Tags: puns

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• A special kind of firework with very bright colors and little smoke was accidentally discovered when a man tried to make the atomic bomb safer. That defeats the original purpose.

  Tags: tech

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• What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend? She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all.

  Tags: classic, general

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• If you are inventing something, the best way for it to work is to give it a job.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A seven year old boy goes to the hospital with his grandmother to visit his grandfather. When they arrive there he runs ahead of his granny and bursts into his grandpa's room. "Grandpa, as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog," he shouted. "What for?" asked his grandpa. "Grandma said that as soon as you croaked, we're going to Disneyland"

  Tags: family-parents

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• What did Puffy say when Ben asked him about J-LO ? "Take that, take that"

  Tags: misc

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• Why did the kid throw the watch out the window? So time would fly.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Why was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years?Because men refuse to ask for directions!

  Tags: misc

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• wat do u call a female dog?

  Tags: animal

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• Knock-Knock Who's there? Who's There. Who's there Who? I'm supposed to say Who's there!

  Tags: knock-knock

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• Why is boxing a sport? If I beat someone up in an alley and someone sees it, I get arrested. If I beat someone up in an arena where thousands see it happen, I get cheered. I've done both. I like the alley better though.

  Tags: sports

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• Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.

  Tags: puns

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• The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

  Tags: misc

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• Let's see if I understand the state of personal responsibility in the America of the 1990s.

  Tags: misc

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• A Dozen, a Gross, and a Score

  A dozen, a gross, and a score Plus three times the square root of four Divided by seven Plus five times eleven Is nine squared and not a bit more.

  Tags: college

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• A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. "The other night I dreamed I was a Ferrari. Another night I dreamed I was a BMW. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?" "Relax," says the doctor; "you're just having an auto-body experience."

  Tags: medical

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• What did Tennessee? What Arkansas.

  Tags: misc

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• A Scottish highlander is asked what his three wishes would be. He first wishes for a lake full of whisky. His second wish is for a similar quantity of good food. When asked for his third wish, after a moment of indecision, he asks for a second lake full of whisky.[2]

  Tags: misc

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• I am sure everyone has heard the saying "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Well, I have improved on this saying so that it applies to my life, and here it is. "If it ain't broke, it ain't ours!"

  Tags: one-liners

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• A polar bear walked into a bar and said "Can I please have a gin and............................................tonic?" The bartender replied "Sure, but why the large pause?" "I don't know, I've always had them!"

  Tags: puns

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• Lisa was playing bowling with her friend Marie. Lisa got a strike, then one more strike. Then, she got another strike. She had just gotten 3 strikes in a row! "I just got 3 strikes in a row!" said Lisa. Marie said, "You're out, you just got 3 strikes in a row!"

  Tags: sports

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• It's pretty bad if you start typing "lol" as if it were a sentence (Lol.) Its worse if you start saying, "laugh out loud" in everday conversations. It's absolutely horrible if you actually say, "l-o-l."

  Tags: tech

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• Confucius asks: "If a train station is where the train stops, and a bus station is where the bus stops, what is a work station?"

  Tags: at-work

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• Q: How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb? A: You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• A three-legged poodle walked into a bar in the Wild West and said "Hey, I'm lookin for the guy who shot my paw!"

  Tags: misc

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• Who is the patron saint of playgrounds? St. Francis of a see-saw!

  Tags: children

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• Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb? A: Many hands make light work.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• A woman's breasts are like a child's toys. They are meant for the child - but the husband is the one that usually ends up playing with them.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do Michael Jackson and plastic bags have in common? They are both made out of plastic and are dangerous for children to play with.

  Tags: children

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• Why do pirates not know the alphabet? They always get stuck at "C".

  Tags: classic, general

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• Q: What do you get if you drop a piano on the seventh dwarf? A: A diminished seventh!

  Tags: puns

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• What do you do when you see a Mexican riding a bike? Throw a stone at him, it's your bike!

  Tags: misc

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• How do you keep a Michigan State Player out of your yard? Set up a goal post.

  Tags: misc

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• Mind Over Matter If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

  Tags: puns

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• A 6'4" man hit a midget in the rear while at a red light. The midget gets out of his car and comes up to the man and says, "I'm NOT happy!" and the man replied, "Which one are you, then?"

  Tags: misc

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• May your troubles be as few and far between as your great-grandmother's teeth.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When you marry, your spouse's family become "in-laws." So, when you divorce, does that make them "outlaws?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!

  Tags: children

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• There are three blondes walking through the woods, and they come upon a set of tracks.The first blonde says "Those are deer tracks."The second blonde says "No, those are bear tracks."The third blonde says "You are both wrong, those are moose tracks."Then the get hit by a train.

  Tags: misc

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• How can you tell a vampire has a cold? They start coffin.

  Tags: classic, general

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• How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What if there were no hypothetical situations?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Knock knock. Who's there? Granny. Granny who? Knock knock. Who's there? Granny. Granny who? Knock knock. Who's there? Granny. Granny who? Knock knock. Who's there? Aunt. Aunt who? Aren't you glad you got rid of all those grannies?

  Tags: knock-knock

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• Why do you Drive on the Parkway but Park on the Driveway?

  Tags: puns

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• Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What You Don't Want on a Plane

  What you don't want to hear on an aeroplane: "You can't leave us now Captain, not at this stage!"

  Tags: misc

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• Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it. "Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet." "How come?" asked Lars "Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't sing."

  Tags: misc

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• Tonto and the Lone Ranger were lost one day. The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, 'Use your Indian instincts and get us out of this mess.'Tonto bends down and put his ear to the ground. He turns and says to the Lone Ranger, 'Buffalo come.' The Lone Ranger says to Tonto 'How do you know?' Tonto Says 'Ear sticky'

  Tags: misc

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• Knock-knock Who's there? Stew Stew who? Stew cold out here, let me in!

  Tags: knock-knock

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• Can you decipher this phrase? DOG THE The underdog!

  Tags: animal

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• "Ciao amico, desidero comprare un mazzo di banane." "Il compagno spiacente, questo à ̈ un farmacista."

  Tags: at-work

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• Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!

  Tags: puns

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• The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Laundromat sign: Automatic Washing Machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

  Tags: misc

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• Officer: "And you still insist you're innocent, in spite of the fact that we have six witnesses to the crime ?" Offender: "If it's witnesses you want, I can produce seventy people who didn't see me steal the stuff."

  Tags: misc

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• Q: What do mice say when they see the moon?? A: "Ooh, Cheese!"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Rich texans are fabled for their grand style but when one oil tycoon appeared at a local golf course followed by a servant pulling a foam-cushioned chaise- lounge, his opponents thought that was taking style too far."J.R., are you going to make that poor caddie lug that couch all over the course after you?" he was asked."Caddie, my eye," explained J.R. "That's my psychiatrist."

  Tags: family-parents

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• Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull ? A. Lipstick.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two blond labourers looking for work arrive at a railway station, and ask for one-way tickets. The ticket-seller looks through his schedule, but can't find the place the blonds are seeking. "But you must be able to find it," says one. "We read in the papers that there are thousands of jobs in Jeopardy!"

  Tags: puns

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• Can February march? No, but April may.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, "Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!"

  Tags: misc

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• An astronaut in space was asked by a reporter, "How do you feel?" "How would you feel," the astronout replied, "if you were stuck here, on top of 20,000 parts each one supplied by the lowest bidder?"

  Tags: at-work

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• Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumbly.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.

  Tags: one-liners

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• An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?" 'Yeah,' the man answered, 'I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life.' 'But you look like Abe Lincoln.' protested the barkeep. 'That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago.'

  Tags: bar

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• A guy goes to work and kills everyone...what is this called...? Going Postal...

  Tags: at-work

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• This 40 year old guy is driving home from work and he pulls into his driveway, walked up to his apartment, and then sees his girlfriend with her bag packed up. He says, "Honey, why are you leaving me"she say, " cus I hear you're a pedifile!"He responds, "Pedifile?... Thats a pretty big word for a 10 year old, don't you think?"

  Tags: children

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• Children certainly brighten up a home. Who ever saw a child under 12 turn off an electric light?

  Tags: children

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• How can you tell if a mathematician is an extrovert? He looks at *your* shoes when he talks to you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

  Tags: deep-thoughts

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• Which fish is the most valuable in the sea? A goldfish.

  Tags: animal

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• A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice. "Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."

  Tags: misc

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• A three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed that the left was on the right and the right was on the left. She said, "Paul, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her and said, "No they're not, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."

  Tags: children

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• And so at last the beast fell and the unbelievers rejoiced. But all was not lost, for from the ash rose a great bird. The bird gazed down upon the unbelievers and cast fire and thunder upon them. For the beast had been reborn with its strength renewed, and the followers of Mammon cowered in horror.

  Tags: tech

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• Knock knock? Who's there? Oswald. Oswald who? Oswald(I swallowed) my gum!

  Tags: knock-knock

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• What do you call sad coffee? Despresso.

  Tags: classic, general

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• What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A kid named Ron lost his mom and dad. He went to the hospital to say, "I wanna baby! Waaaaaaaaaaa!" The nurse said, "You're a male! Males don't have babies! And you're too young!" He died by biting his finger really hard.

  Tags: children

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• Q. What did Stevie Wonder say about the cheese grater he got for Christmas? A. It was the scariest book he had ever read!

  Tags: misc

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• How do you make a hankie dance? Put a little boogie in it.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

  Tags: misc

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• Knock knock. Who's there? Someone too short to ring the doorbell.

  Tags: knock-knock

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• My doctor says I have insomnia, but I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.

  Tags: medical

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• I don't know much about prison, but it sounds like a pain in the ass.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do turtles talk to each other? Shellphones!

  Tags: animal

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• Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems.

  Tags: classic, general

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• While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!" "What is it? her sisters asked eagerly. Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

  Tags: computers

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• A professor giving a talk to a multinational audience tells a joke about the Germans. Someone at the back of the hall jumps up and protests angrily: "I'm German!" "OK", says the speaker "I'll say it again - slowly".

  Tags: misc

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• Question: What is brown and sticky? Answer: A stick! Duh.

  Tags: puns

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• A farmer and his son live on a farm in the middle of Nowhere, USA. One day the farmboy says to his father, "I'm bored." His father replies, "What are you talking about? Farm life is great!" He then adds, "However, I will admit, it is a little slow though. Nothing much to do except count the bricks in the silo." To this the boy says, "11,827."

  Tags: misc

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• Q: How are lawyers like nuclear weapons?A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

  Tags: misc

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• There was a question in our company newsletter asking about whether they could water the flowers in the bathroom since they were looking wilted and sick. The response was, "The flowers are artificial." [Editor's note: Evidently some employees created a rest room gas cloud powerful enough to wilt artificial plants. You have to admire that on some level]

  Tags: at-work

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• What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks

  Tags: puns

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• Knock knock. Who's there? Opportunity. That is impossible. Opportunity doesn’t come knocking twice!

  Tags: classic, knock-knock

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• What is represented by this? HEAR T Broken heart!

  Tags: animal

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• There once was a very old man, whose verses no one could scan. And when they asked, "Why?" he said, "I don't know, I "just put too many words in the last line, I guess."

  Tags: misc

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• A man was searching the dictionary for the word 'Dictionary'. He found this meaning: Dictionary is the thing you are holding, Stupid. Wondering what the definition of stupid was, he searched for the word stupid, he found: Is that you again?

  Tags: misc

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• Knock Knock! Who's there? Who! Who who? You must have the stammers!

  Tags: knock-knock

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• Three men were at a business convention where they were discussing cars. One man said, "I am an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn." Another man says, "I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort." The last man speaks up saying, "Well, I beat both of you - I am a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe!"

  Tags: at-work

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• Two fat men took part in a marathon. One ran in short bursts, and the other ran in burst shorts.

  Tags: puns

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• To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog. The CAT

  Tags: animal

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• Knock Knock! Who's there? Who who. Who who who? Is there an owl in here?

  Tags: knock-knock

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• One day a man came home from work and he was greeted by his wife. She told that she has good news and that she had bad news. He said "Well, give me the good news first." She said "The good news is that the air bag works."

  Tags: misc

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• Why are there no phone books in China? Because there are so many Wing's and Wong's, they are afraid you will Wing the Wong number.

  Tags: puns

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• Did you know that protons have mass? I didn't even know they were catholic.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Boy: May I hold your hand? Girl: It isn't very heavy. I think I can carry it myself.

  Tags: children

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• What has four legs and ticks? A walking clock!

  Tags: misc

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• Descartes walked into a McDonalds and ordered a veggieburger. The guy behind the counter asked "Do you want fries with that?" Descartes replied "I think not," and poof - he disappeared.

  Tags: misc

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• Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his mom, "Of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

  Tags: children

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• It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How come the stadium got hot after the game? Because all of the fans left.

  Tags: classic, general

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• If only DEAD people understand hexadecimal, how many people understand hexadecimal? 57005.

  Tags: college

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• Q: Why could Long John Silver never find an aspirin? A: 'Cause his parrots ate them all.

  Tags: puns

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• If 1/(x-8) approaches ∞ as x approaches 8 from above, then will 1/(x-3) approach ω as x approaches 3 from above?

  Tags: college

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• Two maggots were playing billiards. One says, "I'm bored." The other replies, "Beats fishing."

  Tags: animal

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• Knock, Knock Who's there? Ya Ya - who? I didn't know you could yodel! Yahoooo!

  Tags: knock-knock

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• What did the blonde say when he opened the box of Cheerios?Doughnut seeds!

  Tags: misc

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• What did the cop say to the bad popcicle? Freeze!

  Tags: misc

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• A man walked into a bar... and it hurt!

  Tags: misc

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• There's this guy he goes to see the doctor and says, "Doctor, Doctor, I have a terrible problem. I have a strawberry stuck up my bottom." The doctor says, "It's ok, I'll give you some cream to put on it."

  Tags: medical

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• Can you decipher this phrase? FORWARD Straightforward!

  Tags: misc

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• How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

  Tags: classic, general

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• This guy at work argued with everybody that his pink oxford shirt was actually "salmon." Finally, human resources brought in a grizzly bear to settle the dispute.

  Tags: animal

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• Q)A hippo is sitting on your chair....what time is it? A)Time to get a new chair

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did Margie say about her brain surgeon? "I really gave him a piece of my mind!"

  Tags: puns

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• What did one virus say to the other virus? Keep away from me, I think I've got penicillin!

  Tags: medical

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• Knock-Knock Who's There Hatch Hatch Who? God Bless You.

  Tags: knock-knock

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• The running water in Singapore can be drunk directly. So when I get thirsty, I go to the toilet and drink. But how to make a bowl of instant noodle? A girl thinks: "Since the running water can be drunk directly, the water from electric bathing machine also can!" So she use the water from bathing machine to make instant noodle.

  Tags: misc

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• Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food? "Let us prey."

  Tags: animal

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• What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence? Utter destruction.

  Tags: animal

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• What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose? Hare spray.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Why Did the Dinosaur Cross the Road?

  Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because chickens weren't invented yet.

  Tags: animal

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• When was the price of milk the highest? When the cow jumped over the moon.

  Tags: animal

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• What do you call a blind deer? No idea (no eye deer.) What do you call a blind deer with no legs? Still no idea! (not moving [still] no eye deer)

  Tags: animal

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• Why was Monica Lewinsky in the White House after hours? Clinton was showing her the proper way to take "dic"tation.

  Tags: puns

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• A man is playing poker, and sees a sign that says: If You Have A Gambling Problem call 1-800-GAMBLING. So the man calls the hotline and says, "The guy on my right has an ace and a two, I have a three and a jack, there is a four, a five, and a queen on the table, what should I do?"

  Tags: misc

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• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A SQL query walks into a bar

  It approaches two tables and asks: "Mind if I join you?"

  Tags: tech, classic

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• Politics comes from the root "poli-", which means many, and "-tics", which means, blood-sucking creatures.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two cows are talking in a field, the first cow says "How about that mad cow disease?" The second cow replies "I wouldnt know I'm a helicopter."

  Tags: misc

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• Can You Decipher This Phrase? B O N E S Broken bones!

  Tags: animal

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• A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doin?" his mother asked; "you can't eat them if the seal is broken." The boy explained, "I'm looking for the seal."

  Tags: animal

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• Attorney to witness: "And where was the location of the accident?" Witness: "Approximately milepost 499." Attorney: "And where is milepost 499?" Witness: "About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500."

  Tags: misc

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• What happens when the smog clears over southern California? UCLA

  Tags: puns

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• Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out, man.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Jersey girls aren't trash; trash gets picked up.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What are Martians favorite sweets? Mars-mallows.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I like hippos 'cause they're fat and don't care what other hippos think.

  Tags: one-liners

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