Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• How do '90s kids count to 6? Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, cinco, seis.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a sad coffee? A depresso

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do people say "This is the first day of the rest of your life"? Isn't that true about everyday unless you die that day?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What type of joke is the best joke? A Communist joke, because everyone gets it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Fun fact. Before the invention of the crow bar most crows got drunk at home

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two sausages were in a pan.One sausage turns to the other and says, "Man, Its getting hot in here."The other sausage screams and says, "AH! A talking sausage!!"

  Tags: misc

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• What's the most persuasive argument against democracy? "Have you ever worked in retail?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Then there was the dyslexic robber who held up the bank with a gnu.

  Tags: puns

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• Did you hear? Sting was kidnapped! The Police still have no lead.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means. What a legend.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are Pokemon considered manly in Peru? It all dates back to the time of Macho-Pikachu

  Tags: one-liners

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• I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth today. Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did one smoking pipe say to the other smoking pipe? Don’t go ashtray

  Tags: one-liners

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• The only thing truly free of charge is a dead battery.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right back, way too expensive and really bad quality

  Tags: one-liners

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• Joe: When I would wear my hand-me-downs to school, all of the boys would make fun of me. Moe: What did you do?Joe: I hit them over the head with my purse.

  Tags: misc

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• What is the most dangerous position in chess? C4

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 didn't have a removable battery and blew up in everybody's pocket

  Tags: one-liners

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• I thought it would be a cool idea to have sonic in real life. But apparently speed doesn’t make animals faster

  Tags: one-liners

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• A man with authority walks into a bar... Orders everyone a round

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb? Well it depends on what you mean by change.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I had a dream last night that I had a Magnesium deficiency.. I was like 0Mg

  Tags: one-liners

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• My calculator is really reliable. I can always count on it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "I wanted to lose 10 lbs. this year.... only 13 lbs. to go!"

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a werewolf that doesn't know he's a werewolf? An unawarewolf.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I make money the old-fashioned way. My salary is the same as it was ten years ago.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I bought a little bag of air today... The company that made it was kind enough to put some potato chips in it as well.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

  Tags: misc

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• I know the day I gave up exercise. You wanna know? Check my birth certificate.

  Tags: misc

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• What do you call a bull that got stuck in a door? Adoorabull

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the scientist said after mixing oxygen and magnesium? O Mg

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the Walrus cross the road? Just for the halibut.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you get when you cross elephant DNA with Human DNA? A lifetime ban from the zoo.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I saw on Wikipedia that dolphins can bake bread! [cetacean kneaded]

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Why are New Yorkers so depressed?? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.

  Tags: one-liners

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• 5 years from now it'll be 2020... I can see it now... That's a perfect vision joke.

  Tags: one-liners

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• And the award for best neckwear goes to... huh, well would you look at that. It was a tie

  Tags: one-liners

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• I went to the Atlanta Falcons locker room to get some change for a dollar... But they only gave me 3 quarters.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I always prayed before my trigonometry tests.. I was hoping for a sine from above

  Tags: one-liners

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• Yesterday I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full" I thought, "I can't turn that down"

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• How many vegans does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger? One if nobody's looking.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If at first you don't succeed ... avoid skydiving.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

  Tags: misc

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• If Stranger Things was British it’d be called. Bit Odd Innit?

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend asked me if I was going to Asia... I told him, "Yeah, Siam."

  Tags: one-liners

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• THIS JUST IN!!!!! Corduroy pillows are making headlines.........

  Tags: one-liners

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• You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself any time.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call an aging actor who has finally paid off his house? Mortgage freeman.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the plywood say to the 2x4? I’m board

  Tags: one-liners

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• I am amazing at managing my credit card. My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did copper say to lawrencium? Cu later.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• A research says that 75% of the people are good at Math. I am probably the remaining 35%

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do Spiderman and I have in common? We both end up with sticky hands after using the web.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Some philosopher said “Change does not come from a place of comfort.”, but he was wrong. I’m always finding loose coins in my couch.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Diner: Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?Waiter: Look's like the backstroke sir!

  Tags: misc

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• Which hotel chain does Link prefer? HYAAAATT!!!

  Tags: one-liners

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• My urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away. a whim away, a whim away, a whim away

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where do dads keep their jokes? In their dadabase.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You remember those yardsticks? They don't make them any longer.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sonic looked like his games were getting better in recent years. and then BOOM

  Tags: one-liners

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• Between the Stone Age and the Bronze Age, there was The Copper Age... Back then, people really knew how to conduct themselves...

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• I was going to make a joke about blunt blades... But I don't see the point.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the Calculus Teacher take the student's calculator away? He was viewing graphic material

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• What does a hockey game and an airboat have in common? Loud fans

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• how do you get from sweden to russia? you cross the finnish line

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is it hard to make friends in Antarctica? Because you can't break the ice.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Rick Astley will lend you any of the Pixar films in his collection, except one. He's never gonna give you Up.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't always listen to heavy metal, but when I do so do the neighbors.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I found my first grey pubic hair today. However, i didn't freak out about it like the other people in the elevator.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it. It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?

  Tags: heaven-and-hell

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• Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist... but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you get when you cross a cave with a snippy person? A sar-chasm

  Tags: one-liners

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• I think I want a job cleaning mirrors. It's just something I could really see myself doing.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I think pennies are made of copper and zinc. But that’s just my two cents

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• I hate making spelling mistakes. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

  Tags: one-liners

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• It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What was Spider Man's major in college? Web Design.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two criminals stole a calendar. They got six months each

  Tags: one-liners

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• Fun fact: You can’t breathe correctly while smiling. Just kidding, I made you smile :)

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a Frenchman that's been attacked by a bear? Claude

  Tags: one-liners

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• My teacher frowned at me when I handed in my trigonometry test paper. I don't think that's a good sine

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call your mother’s angry French sister? Your croissant

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the difference between a drama student and a government savings bond? The government savings bond eventually matures and earns money.

  Tags: one-liners

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• alarm clock, n. a device for waking up people who don't have small children

  Tags: misc

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• If I had a dime for every math problem I get wrong. I'd have $1.46

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a hacker who can see the future? A 4chan teller.

  Tags: one-liners

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• a graphic designer, an astrophysicist, a dentist and an electrician walk into a bar. it was queen and they were playing their first gig

  Tags: one-liners

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• I asked God for a car, but I know God doesn't work that way... So, I stole a car and asked for forgiveness.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of bread.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Which popular action figure has a farm? GI GI Joe

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don’t trust my shadow. He’s a shady guy

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the weightlifter say when he ran out of protein supplement? No whey

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are americans bad at DotA ? Because they cant defend their towers.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My daughter has a math test on Roman numerals. I told her I hope she gets a "C".

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters? Because they are filled with anty bodies.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When life hands you melons... You might be dyslexic.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What’s worse than a box full of snakes? A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was reading through the dictionary the other day I couldn't believe what I found. Nothing starts with N.

  Tags: one-liners

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• One of my coworkers got fired for putting dangerous substances in the products. I don’t think it was completely his fault though. He did asbestos he could.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Don’t date a calculus teacher. They’re gonna replace u

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Why do psychics ask so many questions when they supposedly already know the answers?

  Tags: one-liners

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• If shotgun slugs are inside shotgun shells... Does that make them shotgun snails?

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the longest word in the Spanish language? Goooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllll

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I'm not a solid, a liquid, or a gas, does that mean I don't matter?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant. but then I changed my mind

  Tags: one-liners

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• Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

  Tags: animal

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• What's a Boeing employee's favorite time of day? 7:47

  Tags: one-liners

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• Just been chatting to my neighbour's teenage daughter and it turns out she's really into UFOs and aliens. Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the chicken lay the egg?Because everyone else was taken

  Tags: misc

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• What's the difference between Americans and yogurt? If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it'll grow a culture

  Tags: one-liners

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• What if there were no hypothetical situations?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do they call the Hunger Games in France? Battle Royale with Cheese.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What if there were no hypothetical questions?Why does the word 'monosyllabic' have so many syllables?

  Tags: misc

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• What do you call someone with no body and just a nose ? Nobody knows

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you wanted to make pickle bread, you'd have to start out with dill dough.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• What's the worst name for a chain of restaurants? Dominoes

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do traffic lights turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you comfort a grieving sushi chef? Wasabi for your loss.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I asked my chemist friend if it took him 4 years to get his degree... He said "Sodium Bromate."

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've just been fired from the clock making factory. after all those extra hours I put in.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My astronomy professor told me. I was his star pupil.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Two guys walk into a bar: "Ouch! Oof!"

  Tags: misc

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• Why can't proctologists get out of debt? They're always in arrears.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• If Mac users care more about the environment more than Windows users. Then why do Macs have a trash can and Windows has a recycling bin?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the fastest liquid on earth? Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I caught a couple of clutches and transmissions today. but could just not catch a brake!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Lots of people thought I was a fool for going into debt because I overspent on therapy sessions. But now I'm laughing all the way to the bank.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Where does a dog go when he loses his tail? a retail store

  Tags: one-liners

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• Jimmy, your composition "My Dog" is the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? No, sir. It's the same dog.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

  Tags: one-liners

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• /u/username goes to the grocery store.... username checks out.

  Tags: one-liners

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• 99.9% of people are idiots. Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people

  Tags: one-liners

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• Was late to my first Fight Club last night? So missed the intro rules. Still Fight Club was brilliant and I'd highly recommend Fight Club.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Iron deficiency gang, rise up! But not too fast.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What animal is 80% wool? A woolf.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The only problem with kissing a perfect 10 is how cold the mirror feels against your lips.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did Wendy do when Captain Hook frightened her? Peter Pans

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me. It means a lot.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you buy an Archer that likes flowers? A rose

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the melon say when his lawn looked dry. Guess it's time to watermalawn.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a Cult that is hard to get into? Difficult

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm sick of tired of people soaking my floor with their wet umbrellas when they come over to visit. I think it's time to make a stand.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Don't follow in my footsteps, I walk into walls.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Our local cemetery is running out of spaces It’s a grave issue

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• I saw an Elsa blanket. I didn’t get it though, the cold never really bothered me anyways.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. Turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a vehicle with no fuel in Africa? Outtagascar

  Tags: one-liners

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• I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song. giving us time to change the song.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• What do you call a Communist sniper? A Marxman.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have a fear of elevators but I'm taking steps to avoid it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the hipster drown? He went ice Skating before it was cool

  Tags: one-liners

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• "Doctor, Every time I drink coffee I get pain in my eye." "Take the spoon out of your cup."

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Software architects should never design high security fences. They’re likely to make them highly scalable.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Homework... something you go to school hours for and not do.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do farmers party? They turnip the beets.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call something that looks like pasta, and tastes like pasta, but isn't pasta? An impasta.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Why is it so easy to get a job as a percussion instructor? You just have to answer a few cymbal questions.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When you have finished reading the dictionary? Every other book is just a remix.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a boat driving in circles for a student's education? An In-Turn Ship!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What’s better decimal jokes or integer ones? Decimal jokes. Integer jokes just don’t have any point.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Shout out to my student loan for getting me through college. I don't know how I'll ever be able to repay you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• An Irish man walks out of a bar..............Hey, It could happen

  Tags: bar

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• Why can't our ears hear very high pitched sounds? Because it hertz.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the best card in Valve's Artifact? The Credit Card.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm Telling You . . . .

  "Everything that can be invented has been invented." - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

  Tags: tech

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• My love life is like Santa Claus. It exists thanks to gullible six year olds

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have a copy of nearly every Psychology Today magazine ever published. You could say I have a lot of issues.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15."

  Tags: misc

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• I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

  Tags: at-work

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• My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friends keep telling me to stop impersonating butter. But I can't. I'm on a roll now

  Tags: one-liners

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• They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles' elbow.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What’s the most British thing in the British museum? The name.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a person who keeps on talking after everyone's lost interest? A teacher

  Tags: one-liners

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• Do you know why there's no gambling in Africa? Because there are too many cheetahs.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I just read through six pages in a dictionary. I learnt next to nothing.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How are snakes dangerous? They can’t even walk

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do British nuclear engineers eat? Fission chips.

  Tags: one-liners

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• It's pretty easy to fall in love with an Olympic Curler. They're used to sweeping people off their feet

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is C the only good letter in the English alphabet? Because the others are Not-Cs

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have an 18-year-old; her name is Alexis. I chose that name because if I hadn't had her, I'd be driving one.

  Tags: children

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• I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I'm going home for the hollandaise.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does a turtle call his aunt? Tort-tia

  Tags: one-liners

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• where does steel wool come from? Robot sheep

  Tags: one-liners

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• what do zombie cereal mascots say? graaaiiiins

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

  Tags: family-parents

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• Why did the otter want to work at NASA? So he could go to Otter Space.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend David lost his ID the other day. Now we just call him dav

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did all the prisoners at the AT&T jail escape? Because they had no bars on their cells!

  Tags: one-liners

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• One of the greatest labor-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My father said I would be able to consider myself successful when my bank account balance resembled a phone number. Hey. 911 is a phone number.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

  Tags: misc

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• Two clowns are running for public office... It's funny for me though because I live in Canada.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What was Forrest Gump's email password? 1forrest1

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don’t understand why my credit score is so low. Every time collectors call, they say my payments have been outstanding.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm so bad my imaginary friend left me.

  Tags: misc

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• I made an outfit from asphalt. I'm going for the street look.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I thought about joining the Navy to be on a submarine... But I changed my mind, I had a sinking feeling about that career path....

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where did Captain Hook buy his hook at? The second hand store.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the explorer say when he spotted Antarctica? I see land.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My neighbor is loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels

  Tags: one-liners

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• Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

  Tags: one-liners

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• On the other hand you have five fingers.

  Tags: misc

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• If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

  Tags: one-liners

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• The word 'nothing' is a palindrome. 'Nothing' reversed is 'Gnihton' which also means nothing

  Tags: one-liners

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• Dreams are like underpants. You've got 'em, but you can't prove you do by showing it to everyone.

  Tags: one-liners

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• There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who thought they knew what the punchline would be, and those who are now searching for the original joke.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My son got an F in his geography exam today. I sent him to his room but he ended up in the kitchen

  Tags: one-liners

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• My car mechanic called me and said, “You can pick up your car by 5 p.m.”. I said, “I don’t think I’ll be strong enough by then.”

  Tags: one-liners

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• If atheism was a business, what kind of business would it be? A Non-Prophet organization.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I saw a lizard. and it became a spotted lizard

  Tags: one-liners

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• You know the times have changed... When Portugal leaves Brazil without taking any Gold.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are Jedi so bad at rugby? Because there is no try.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• What do you call a shrimp that gets run over by a car? Road Krill

  Tags: one-liners

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• At the end of the physics lecture, I asked the professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”. He said, “Sorry. There’s no time.”

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• I gave up Thai boxing because I felt the Thais were getting fed up being put in boxes.

  Tags: puns

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• How old was the cave man on his birthday? Stone Age

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you double the value of a Trabant? Fill up the tank!

  Tags: misc

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• I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th... Because I know how to reduce fractions unlike the rest of you morons.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you know you can actually eat lava? Only once though.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

  Tags: children

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• What happened to the cat that ate a ball of wool? She had mittens!

  Tags: one-liners

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• A penguin walks into an airport... A TSA officer stops him and says "Penguins can't fly."

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe? Kilometery Cyrus

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm getting a little tired of these people coming to my door telling me I need to be "saved" or "I'll burn"... Stupid firefighters.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The NSA. A government organization that actually listens to you!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Guys, the USA is looking pretty bad... I think its time for USB.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why does nobody like a rich stone? Because he takes everything for granite.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I got so drunk the other night that I lost my glasses. The rest is a blur.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My ex-gf invited me to her wedding. Told her I was busy, will be there next time

  Tags: one-liners

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