Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• You remember those yardsticks? They don't make them any longer.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When I get a dog I'm going to name him five miles so I can say I walk five miles every day.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, sports

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• My friend text me 'what are you doing now?' I replied 'Probably failing my driving test'.

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• Nowadays, most of the children dream about an IPhone, when I was a child – I wanted a dog.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Apparently they're removing the essay section from the SAT. Now it's just going to be called the T.

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• Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

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• Two slices of bread got married. The ceremony was going quite well until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Canada could have had it all: American industry, British Culture, and French Cuisine. Instead, they got: French Industry, American culture, and British cuisine

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• Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you're forgetting.

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• If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

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• What do you call a movie with Sonic the Hedgehog, and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious

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• "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry... Because I always back up my rage with facts and well documented sources" -The Credible Hulk

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• I have like 50 jokes about the unemployed. Trouble is, none of them work.

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• My dad left his job. He wanted to pursue archeology. His career is now in ruins.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What has a head, a tail, and no body? A coin!

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• I went to the doctors recently He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty” I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”. He said, “No. Fatty, don’t eat anything."

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• According to the principle of the sandwich, if you put butter on both sides the sandwich will hang in the air.

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• Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning? Apparently they still have 500 million users.

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• Today, when my son asked, "Can I have a book mark?" I burst into tears... 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Dave...

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• A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night. Oof

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• Why are most prime numbers such divas? Because they literally. Can't. Even.

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• I can't believe that viruses and bacteria would just invade my body without a permission. That makes me sick

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• My only talent is sleeping. I could do it with my eyes closed.

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• Why did the vulture check his baggage at the airport? He wasn't allowed any carrion

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• What language do metallic fruits periodically speak? Manganese.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• What kind of cookies make you rich? Fortune cookies!

  Tags: one-liners, food, money

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• There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Two criminals stole a calendar. They got six months each

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• Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to fine art.

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• How do fortune tellers greet each other? You’re good, how am I?

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• Homework... something you go to school hours for and not do.

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• A man was drinking the blood of a vampire... He said, "Hm, irony"

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• Humor can be dissected, as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind.

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• You can't run through a camp ground. You can only ran, because it's past tents.

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• Q. Why were photographs so depressing before digital cameras were invented? A. Because they spent too much time processing the negatives.

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• I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

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• Who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice? The Spanish Inquisition.

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• My Czech mate is surprisingly bad at chess.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• A chicken and an egg walk into a bar. The barman says, "Who's first?"

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I know a mathematician who can't afford lunch. He can binomial.

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• You can never enjoy a game of Chess against an Australian. Everytime he checks, you'll think he's won the game.

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• I went to a wedding the other day. Two antennas were getting married. It wasn't much of a wedding ceremony, but it was one heck of a reception!

  Tags: puns

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• Do you know why there's no gambling in Africa? Because there are too many cheetahs.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• How are peanut butter and jelly related? They're inbred

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• Time Flies Like an Arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

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• How did two oceans or seas become friends? Because they kept waving at each other.

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• Why do psychics ask so many questions when they supposedly already know the answers?

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• Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What a do a bunch of people in Brazil speak? Portuguese. What does just one Brazilian speak? Portugoose.

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• What did the valley girl say when her pen ran out of ink? I LITERALLY CAN'T EVEN WRITE NOW

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• Alcohol is not always the answer but it’s worth a shot.

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• How do you know if someone is hitchhiking or just complimenting your driving?

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• How come you're responsible if you do your taxes in March, but I'm crazy when I do my trick-or-treating in September?

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".

  Tags: misc

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• I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank... I have no words for how angry I am.

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• What would two termites order at a restaurant? Table for 2

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• Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.

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• Break ups are the worst in China. You see her face everywhere

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• I just grilled a chicken for 8 hours. And it still didn't tell me why it crossed the road.

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• If I had a dime for every math problem I get wrong. I'd have $1.46

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• Why couldn’t the beekeeper afford a GPS device? Because honey can’t buy mappiness.

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• I'm not trying to boss you around just do what I say.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• "I'm going to punch your house until you come out and talk to me!" ~ Guy who invented 'knocking'.

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• I’m tearing out pages of the dictionary. I’m up to Mischief.

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• Always be smarter than the inanimate object that you're working with.

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• What do you call a toxic work environment? A staff infection

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• I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't.

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• What do you call a broken can opener? A can't opener

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• Did you here about the giant with a nosebleed? It was all over town

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• What do you call a Norse god who doesn't draw much attention to themselves? Low Key.......!

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• Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

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• I was going to make a joke about blunt blades... But I don't see the point.

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• What was Spider Man's major in college? Web Design.

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• Where did the baseball keep its lemonade? In the pitcher!

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Why do they say "be there or be square"? because if you are square, you are not around.

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• You know your church is a redneck church if baptism is referred to as Branding.

  Tags: misc

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• I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts. Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think

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• what is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? one is heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

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• I stayed up all night trying to think of a joke. And then it dawned on me.

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• Bullets are so weird. They only do their job AFTER they’re fired

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• Whats a cat's favorite cereal?? Mice Crispies

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Popped a tire on a pot hole today. Badum tss

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• I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday. it was a risk I was willing to take

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• The only thing worse than seeing something done wrong is seeing it done slowly.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What did the plywood say to the 2x4? I’m board

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• What did the paper clip say to the magnet? I find you very attractive.

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• I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

  Tags: misc

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• What will happen if you have a wooden car with wooden engine and wooden wheels? It wooden start.

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• Life is good you know. So I suggest you get one.

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• Apparenly, we all come from dust and return to dust. That's why I never dust, it could be somebody I know.

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• According to research 80% of the poplation can't do simple maths.Good news for us brainboxes,the other 10%.

  Tags: misc

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• What do you call a fish with no eye? FSH

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• I never ask my kids to call me, I just change the Netflix password and then don't respond to their texts.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Everyone has a friend who laughs funnier than he jokes.

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• I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.

  Tags: misc

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• Why is a convent's percussion section so confusing? It's a co-nun-drum

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• A quarter, dime and penny walk into a bar... Just wait this joke is going to make a lot of cents.

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• A king has 3 cups in front of him. The first 2 cups are full, the third cup is empty. What is the King's name? King Philip III

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• How did the mob identify the copper? By finding a wire!

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• What do you call a stallion raised by a reclusive author on whole grain wheat? A Thoreau-bred thoroughbred fed thorough bread.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the best part about Valentine's Day? The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.

  Tags: one-liners, food, money

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• It's 364 days until christmas. And people already have their lights up!

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• One of the greatest labor-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

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• What do you get when you cross a parrot and a centipede?A walkie-talkie.

  Tags: misc

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• If I tell you I'm thinking about you, don't get too excited, because I'm also thinking about nachos.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Where does a spy sleep? Under covers.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Even if it wasn't cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise. He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.

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• If you can't think of a word, say "I forgot the English word for it." That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

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• Last night a movie theater was robbed of $1000 dollars. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal and a pack of skittles.

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• All my friends jokingly said that this girl I have a date with is imaginary. Well, the joke is on them. Because so are they

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• My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by laying in bed all day. But look at me now, I'm saving the world.

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• Most people think rattlesnakes and cobras are very dangerous... but really, they're completely armless.

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• My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM! Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums

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• Why are bacteria so bad at maths? Because they multiply by dividing.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• How do you say " 'sup dawg" in Japanese? Konichihuahua

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• What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year? A trophy.

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• What does German cereal say when it sees the milk in the morning? Gluten-tag

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• On the other hand you have five fingers.

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• There are approximately 45 seconds between "I'll make us an omelet" and "We're having scrambled eggs.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Ever since I installed Adblocker Plus things haven't been going so well.. All of a sudden chicks in my area are no longer interested in me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Before the surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle... It was an ether/oar situation.

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• The Calbuco volcano is very hot right now... But everything around it is Chile.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• England has no kidney bank but... It does have a Liverpool

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• A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

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• Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.

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• Be nice to your kids, they'll choose your nursing home.

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• What do you call a person who keeps on talking after everyone's lost interest? A teacher

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• I always give 110%. Oops. Left out the decimal point. I always give 1.10%.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Do you know why I make puns? Because it's my respunsibility.

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• You might be a redneck if you have to haul a paint can to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.

  Tags: misc

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• What question does a pencil ponder on? 2B or not 2B

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• Albert Einstein just finished his theory about space. Its about time too

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• I'm trying computer dating, at least I'm not getting dumped... but I do get deleted.

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• What's a redneck's favorite dating website? Ancestry.com

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• What do you call a snobby criminal walking down the steps? A condescending con descending.

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• I estimate I have enough energy to attend two more social events in my lifetime.

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• Where does Dracula keep his valuables? In a blood bank.

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• My dad never really loved me as a child. I can't really blame him though ; I wasn't born until he was an adult.

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• For Americans - let me break down today's Glenn Maxwell cricket innings from Australia. Australia is a country and a continent.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

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• I have a horse named Mayo. Mayo neighs.

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• My son asked me, “Dad, can I eat the last piece of cake in the fridge?” I smiled and said, “Sure..." "But the dining room would probably be more comfortable.”

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• Your future depends on your dreams. Don't waste any time, go to bed now.

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• Whenever I get a stack of resumes on my desk at work, I always pick half at random and throw them out. Don’t need unlucky people working in my department.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Overall, I'd say my career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur.

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• Someone asked me what the 9th letter of the Alphabet was. It was a complete guess, but I was right.

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• If humans are at the top of the food chain... Cannibals are one step above.

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• Hey, girl. Are you a fire alarm. Because you're annoying and wont shut up

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• How do you turn a seal into a sea lion? Remove an electron.

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• What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.

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• Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

  Tags: misc

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• Why did the cows return to the marijuana field? It was the pot calling the cattle back.

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• There are two types of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

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• I had a scary math joke... But I'm 2^2 to say it

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• Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

  Tags: children

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• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? are they afraid someone will clean them?

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• I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you're set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday? It's already run out of battery.

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• Why did the Pepsi executive get fired? He tested positive for Coke.

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• The last time a group of New Englanders destroyed Atlanta this badly. Sherman marched to the sea

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• What is Green Arrow's superpower? He can turn left whenever he wants.

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• I entered a my pet snail into a race and removed its shell thinking it would make it faster... Unfortunately, it only made it more sluggish.

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• Just got an email from Google detailing how they have devised a way to read maps backwards... Turns out to be spam

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• I will have enough money for the rest of my life. Of course, if I don't buy and eat anything.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

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• If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement, Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?

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• I went on a job interview for a security guard. After spending 12 hours in the waiting room they hired me.

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• I can sympathize with batteries. I never get included in anything either.

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• I used to be ugly, but then I bought an acoustic guitar. Now I'm ugly and annoying

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.

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• There's a little-known, but foolproof defense against sharks. Sharks will only attack you if you're wet.

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• I bet Egyptians were all like "Yo, nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do" and then came the internet.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent.

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• I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them. I can also tell if they’re standing.

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• Why was the child’s blanket arrested? For being an accessory to a kid napping.

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• Apparently I snore so loudly that. I scare everyone in the car I'm driving.

  Tags: one-liners

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• An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.

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• For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

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• Then there was the model who sat on a broken bottle and cut a good figure.

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• When someone asks me if I'm seeing anyone, I automatically assume they're talking about a psychiatrist.

  Tags: one-liners, medical

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• A man walks into a bank wearing a mask. Everyone freaks out. “Relax” he says, “I’m just here to rob the place”

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• If you ever feel your job is meaningless... Just remember that it's somebody's job to install turn signals to BMW's

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• I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday, I beat the raining champion.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Period- The thing at the end of a sentence.

  Tags: misc

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• My friends and I started a business where we weigh tiny items. It's a small scale operation

  Tags: one-liners

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• As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

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• This is why I don't tell Math jokes. The average maths joke is pretty mean

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sometimes people with a lot of cents have little sense.

  Tags: puns

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• I'm anti-work but pro-paycheck so you see my dilemma.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, money

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• An atom loses an electron... It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."

  Tags: one-liners

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• “How much to buy a singing ensemble!?” I asked the clerk. Puzzled, he questioned, "You mean a choir?" “Fine! How much to acquire a singing ensemble!?”

  Tags: one-liners

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• The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking, but the invention of the broom swept the nation.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about the eyeglasses maker who moved his shop to an island off Alaska and is now known as an optical Aleutian?

  Tags: puns

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• Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend Jay recently had twin girls, and wanted to name them after him. So I suggested Kaye and Elle.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother. It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Knowledge cannot enter the head via an open mouth.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Don't drink and drive, you'll spill your beer.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Relationships are like Algebra... You look at your X and wonder Y.

  Tags: one-liners

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• As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why can't two elephants go swimming? -They only have one pair of trunks.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm not usually too good at jokes but um... Tiss

  Tags: one-liners

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• If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I'd compete in it later.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• If you didn't take a selfie at the gym, were you really there?

  Tags: one-liners

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• "When am I ever gonna use this?" Asked the student to the algebra teacher. "Well you won't, but one of the smart kids might" he replied cheerfully

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What’s the key to a good mailman joke? The delivery.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A Buzzfeed writer walks into a bar... You won't BELIEVE what they asked for!

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many flat-earthers does it take to draw an arrow? None. They can't make a point.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When inmates fall in love. Do the finish each others sentences?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I decided to get tattoos of Italy and France on my chest. Now I have really sore Naples. But other than that, it turned out pretty Nice.

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• My professor accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine.

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• I hate making spelling mistakes. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

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• Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don't show up.

  Tags: one-liners, medical

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• What happened to the cat that ate a ball of wool? She had mittens!

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• What does a turtle call his aunt? Tort-tia

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• How much did the butcher charge for his venison? A buck!

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, money

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• If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store is free yet?

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• If you ask Vanilla Ice's mother about his childhood... she'll tell you that he was a nice, nice baby.

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• I don't always tell dad jokes. But when I do, he laughs

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• My daughter lost her first tooth today. I bet she won't touch my X- box again !

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• I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting between two identical twins. It was impossible to differentiate between them.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Whats the most pointless thing that actually exists? Circles.

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• My friend says he has the body of a Greek god... I had to explain to him that Buddha wasn't Greek.

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• I cropped my kids out of my online dating profile photos. They can find their own dates.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• People who can't tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals. .are missing the point.

  Tags: one-liners

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• According to my kids' Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• "Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?" "Yes, we arson."

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• I wonder how many miles I've scrolled with my thumb.

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• How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer may shock you.

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• So I saw that the new dinosaur in Jurassic Park is a hybrid. Guess that makes it Priustoric

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• What's the difference between america and a bottle of milk? In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture

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• I gave my kid a harmonica for Christmas. And unfortunately he loves it.

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• How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the pan? You take away its broom.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What has 100 legs but can't walk? 50 pairs of pants.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did Zelda tell Link when he couldn't open the door? TRIFORCE!

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