Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about the two peanuts who got mugged on their walk down the street? They were assaulted

  Tags: one-liners

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• Then there was the neat nurse, who made the patient without disturbing the bed.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Registered users win points for submitting and voting on jokes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• 10=D in a M 10 decimeters in a meter.

  Tags: animal

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• I used to be schizophrenic, but now we're just fine

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's green and goes camping?A boy sprout!

  Tags: misc

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• If Henry IV were cloned, would he be Henry V, or Henry IV Jr. or, would he be Henry IV Part II? (Willy Wagstaff, more usually known as William Shakespeare)

  Tags: puns

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• Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say, "How to Build a Boat". - Steven Wright.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A boy asked to his girl friends: What does a gay cow eat? all of his friends failed to answer. Then he stood up, and with a gay-est falsetto voice he said: Haaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy!!!

  Tags: puns

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• What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity... It's impossible to put down

  Tags: classic, general

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• How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? Through a catalogue!!

  Tags: misc

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• What do you get when you cross a cheetah with a hamburger? Fast food!

  Tags: misc

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• Amy: Yesterday I saw a man in the mall with very long arms. Every time he went up the stairs he would step on them. Bob: Wow... He stepped on his arms? Amy: No. On the STAIRS!

  Tags: children

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• What did the male rabbit buy the female rabbit for her birthday? 14 carrot gold!

  Tags: animal

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• Q: How do you know there are four elephants in your refrigerator? A: There's an empty Mini parked outside.

  Tags: animal

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• Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb ? A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again. A: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Sixteen. One to screw it in and fifteen to form a support group.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Did you know that protons have mass? I didn't even know they were catholic.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Why do snakes always lose in court? Answer: They don't have a leg to stand on!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Here's a little tip from me to you as an experienced traveler. Wake-up calls are the worst way to wake up. The phone rings, it's loud and you can't turn it down. I leave the number of the room next to me. It just rings very quietly and you hear a guy yell, "Why are you calling me?" Then I get up and take a shower. It's great.

  Tags: misc

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• What do you call a lesbian asian? minjeeta

  Tags: women

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• The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing yesterday.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." - Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

  Tags: at-work

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• Q: How do you know there are three elephants in your refrigerator? A: You can't close the door.

  Tags: animal

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• Why should you never play poker in the jungle? -because there are too many cheatahs!!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a one-legged lady? Eileen!

  Tags: puns

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• A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother.On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?""Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?""The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

  Tags: family-parents

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• Knock knock. Who's there? Opportunity. That is impossible. Opportunity doesn’t come knocking twice!

  Tags: classic, knock-knock

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• A ham sandwhich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says... I'm sorry, we don't serve food here

  Tags: classic, general

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• Jenny: How did the turtle cross the freeway? Forrest: I don't know. Jenny: Take the 'r' out of 'free'. Now, take the 'f' out of 'way'. Forrest: There's no 'f' in way!

  Tags: animal

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• What's the difference between a Ford and a golf ball? You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: What is orange, red, and lies in the grass? A: A wounded cheesie!

  Tags: misc

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• The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

  Tags: misc

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• What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.

  Tags: classic, general

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• To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog. The CAT

  Tags: animal

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• Which came first - the chicken or the egg? It depends on who got laid first!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are golf balls small and white? Because if they were big and grey they would be elephants.

  Tags: misc

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• Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• What is the noisiest part of a tree? Its bark.

  Tags: misc

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• I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add to it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Can you decipher this phrase? Weather Cast Cast Cast Cast Weather forecast!

  Tags: misc

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• What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can't hear an enzyme!

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many Dyslexics does it take to change a Lit Blub?

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Want to hear a backwards joke? ekoj

  Tags: misc

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• "He's great on the court," a sportswriter spoke of a college basketball player in a interview with his coach. "But how's his academics?" "Why, he makes straight A's," replied the coach. "Wonderful!" said the sportswriter. "Yes," agreed the coach, "but his B's are a just little crooked."

  Tags: sports

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• How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? time to get a new fence!

  Tags: misc

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• What did Batman say to Robin before getting in the Batmobile? "Get in the Batmobile, Robin!"

  Tags: misc

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• Girl, "Oh, Superman I love you so much!" Superman,"I don't blame you."

  Tags: one-liners

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• When the media askes George Bush a question about the war he says, "Uhh, Can I use a life line?"

  Tags: misc

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• Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb? A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder!

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive West.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Three blind mice walk into a bar, but they are unaware of their surroundings so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.

  Tags: bar

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• You know how we earn little icons next to our names for the points we get for being active on Wocka? They should do that on Facebook. Only backwards. The longer you are totally inactive, the higher level symbols you get.

  Tags: misc

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• What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A licalottapus!

  Tags: animal

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• What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Q. How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb? A. You send us the prize money and we'll tell you the answer.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• If nobody is perfect, and I'm a nobody, am I perfect?

  Tags: deep-thoughts

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• Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.

  Tags: classic, general

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• What do you get when you cross a React developer with a mathematician? A function component.

  Tags: classic, programming

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• What are the first 4 words in the Mexican National Anthem? "Attention all K-Mart shoppers"

  Tags: one-liners

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• A six-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair. "Don't be angry at your sister," the mother says. "She doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts." A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate. This time the sister is bawling, and her brother says, "Now she knows."

  Tags: children

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• How can a person living in Minnesota be buried in Milwaukee?

  Tags: misc

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• Teacher: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots ! Student: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home

  Tags: children

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• Eminem/ M & M: I don't like the rapper, but I like the candy inside the wrapper.

  Tags: puns

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• How many members of a certain demographic group does it take to perform a specified task? A finite number: one to perform the task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of the group in question.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• "Operator? I'd like the number of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven." "I can't find a town called 'Woven'? Are you sure?" "Yes. That's what it says on the label - 'Woven in Scotland'."

  Tags: puns

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• Don't drink and drive, you'll spill your beer.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the developer go to therapy? They had too many unresolved issues.

  Tags: classic, programming

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• Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

  Tags: one-liners

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• A out-of-towner in New York decided to re-visit a fine uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city.Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he began, "Hey, you know, it's been over five years since I first came in here. . .""You'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the harried waiter. "I can only serve one table at a time."

  Tags: misc

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• Why did the rooster cross the road? He heard that the chickens at KFC were pretty hot.

  Tags: classic, general

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• How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

  Tags: misc

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• Teacher: Oscar, if you had five pieces of candy, and Joey asked for one, how many would you have left? Oscar: Five.

  Tags: children

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• What's In Store For You?

  Wal-mart is planning on opening fifty new stores in areas that are blighted. Ironically, the official definition of blighted is what happens to an area when Wal-mart opens a store nearby.

  Tags: misc

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• What do you do when you see a Mexican riding a bike? Throw a stone at him, it's your bike!

  Tags: misc

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• How many ventriloquists does it take to change a light bulb? Two - one to change the light bulb, and one to holg ge gottong og ge lagger.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Billions and billions.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• A mother and a her daughter go to a restaurant for breakfast to celebrate her birthday. The restaurant is known for its imported cheeses. The mother asks, "Would you like some cheese, my angel?" The little girl says,"Sure, but can you take out the holes in the cheese?"

  Tags: children

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• Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?

  Tags: misc

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• Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road Halfway?

  Why did the chicken cross the road halfway? To "lay it on the line".

  Tags: animal

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• How Does Sherlock Sneeze?

  Brad: Chad, how does Sherlock Holmes sneeze? Chad: A clue ! A clue!

  Tags: misc

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• What do soccer players drink? Penaltea!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you say to a person who says that they are going to tell on you? You say: Too late, I already told.

  Tags: misc

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• If the entire world was a stage and God was the director, what we need is a rehearsal.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Waitress walks up to a man and says "Hi, May I take your order please?" The man replies, "Yes, can I get the turtle soup please."The waitress walks off to go get his order, but the man changes his mind and decides he wants pea soup instead. He calls for the waitress and says, "Hold the turtle, make it pea!"

  Tags: misc

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• How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb? Only one - but he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it.

  Tags: puns

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• Why was the font always tired? It was always bold.

  Tags: classic, programming

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• Can you decipher this phrase? LINE = End of the Line!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb? A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

  Tags: misc

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• Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had loco motives

  Tags: classic, general

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• Joke: Why does Snoop Dogg Carry an umbrella? Answer: For Drizzle my nizzle

  Tags: one-liners

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• I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a delay. Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated. "I'm having a problem," she announced. "The ice keeps melting."

  Tags: misc

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• A fat woman and a slim woman were both smoking cigarettes; which one finished hers first? The fat woman - she takes bigger draws.

  Tags: puns

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• Diplomacy: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

  Tags: misc

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• One day a three legged dog walked into a bar. He said, "I'm looking for the guy that shot my paw."

  Tags: puns

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• Why are pirates called pirates? Because they arrr!

  Tags: classic, general

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• Farmer: This is a dogwood tree. Cityman: How can you tell? Farmer: By its bark

  Tags: misc

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• Kids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

  Tags: misc

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• Q. Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's day? A. Regular Rocks are too heavy!

  Tags: misc

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• Two golfers were discussing a bill that Harry, the hospital administrator, had sent to Bill, a recent father."Harry, this is too much for the use of the delivery room. You know I didn't get my wife there in time and the baby was born on the hospital's front lawn."Harry took the bill, crossed out the offending entry and substituted another. "Greens Fee," it read.

  Tags: family-parents

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• Did you hear about the football game with the 0-0 score? Never mind, it's pointless.

  Tags: misc

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• The phone rings in the maternity ward. Upon answering, the duty midwife is told by a man "Mrs Jones is about to give birth, her contractions are just 3 minutes apart!" The midwife asks "Is this her first Child?" Bemused, the man says "No, don't be daft, this is her Husband!"

  Tags: misc

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• Did you hear about the director of the Department of Motor Vehicles who resigned on Tuesday? He tried to resign on Monday, but discovered he'd been standing in the wrong line.

  Tags: at-work

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• What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport? Squash.

  Tags: classic, general

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• How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced? A buck an ear.

  Tags: puns

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• The king had a powerful army. He reined for 7 years before clearing the clouds!!!

  Tags: puns

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• Activate your own virus... type "WIN" at the prompt.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: ---- You should have hit ''n!''

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• What happens when the smog clears over southern California? UCLA

  Tags: puns

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• One day, a teacher at an elementary school asks one of her students how clouds form. She replied "I'm not sure how clouds form, but the clouds know how to form, and that's the important thing...."

  Tags: children

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• How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb? 1 or 2? 1... or 2?

  Tags: classic, general

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• Here is a fragment of a crossword puzzle. P _ O _ _ _ Clue: Something that is often brown and hard to clean. Answer: Poodle.

  Tags: misc

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• Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,331:

  Tags: computers

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• Can you decipher this phrase? A R M S Open arms!

  Tags: one-liners

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• (These are fake books, but they make me laugh) "Spots on the Wall" by Hoo-flung-poo "Under the Bleachers" by Seamore Butts "Ten Steps from the Outhouse" by Willie Makeit, Illustrations by Bettie Cant

  Tags: misc

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• A priest was walking down the street when he saw a little boy jumping up and down to try to reach a doorbell. So the priest walked over and pressed the button for the youngster. "And now what, my little man?" he asked. "Now," said the boy, "run like hell!"

  Tags: children

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• Q: What happens when you take a Packard Bell, Windows 95, a grenade and put them together?A: A typical upgrade.

  Tags: misc

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• Question: Who am I if I have 73 eyes, 4 noses, 8 heads, 139 arms, 78 legs and 100, 000, 000 lips? Answer: A liar.

  Tags: misc

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• What did the horse say when he fell? “I've fallen and I can't giddy up!”

  Tags: animal

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• What do you call a blond standing inbetween two brunetts?A mental Block

  Tags: misc

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• Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb? A: 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• What's black and white and read all over? The newspaper.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

  Tags: children

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• A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old lawyers gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape."It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got out with $25 between us.""I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!" the boss screamed. "We had over $100 when we broke in!"

  Tags: misc

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• A kid is asking questions about many professionals, when they urgently need to go to the rest rooms:

  Tags: music

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• Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• "So what's your dog's name?" "I don't know. He won't tell me."

  Tags: one-liners

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• Then there was the model who sat on a broken bottle and cut a good figure.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Warning Signs That You Need A New Lawyer:1. You met him in prison.2. His last good case was a Budweiser.3. All his law books are from Time-Life.4. He picks the jury by playing duck, duck, goose.

  Tags: misc

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• Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

  Tags: classic, general

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• "You're hitting the woods well today, pitty you can't stay out of them!"

  Tags: misc

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• How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer, Olive? Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names." What's the most popular wine at Christmas? "I don't like sprouts"!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a rabbit who tells jokes? A FUNNY BUNNY!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.

  Tags: classic, general

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• This website takes every precaution to protect our users' information. When users submit sensitive information via the website, your information is protected both online and off-line. If you have any questions about the security at our website, you can contact us.

  Tags: misc

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• What do you call a dictionary on drugs? High definition.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off? It reads "Small medium at large."

  Tags: classic, general

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• Covina, Calif: I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, "I led the pigeons to the flag." Cleveland, Ohio: When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know - "I pledge allegiance to the flag and to the Republic for Richard Stands."

  Tags: children

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• An old guy goes to the doctor and gets some tests done. The doctor comes back from checking the results and says, "I have some bad news. You have cancer and you have Alzheimer's." The old man replies "Oh thank god I don't have cancer!"

  Tags: old-age

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• Where does Fonzie like to go for lunch? Chick-Fil-Eyyyyyyyy.

  Tags: classic, general

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• If you want to make someone laugh, use this line: Sorry. say that again. I couldn't hear you over my fart.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years?Because men refuse to ask for directions!

  Tags: misc

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• How many jazz musicians does it take to change a lightbulb? Don't worry about the changes, we'll fake it! Note: In jazz, the chord changes are what dictates the improvisation of the music.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember everything.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A tutor who tooted the flute Tried to teach two young tooters to toot Said the two to the tutor Is it harder to toot or To tutor two tooters to toot?

  Tags: misc

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• Can you decipher this phrase? SMOKE G Go up in smoke!

  Tags: animal

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• Make love, not war. Hell, do both GET MARRIED!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do Gorillas Sleep on in fruit orchards? Apricots.

  Tags: puns

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• Dad, have you got a ladder? Yes; why? I have to write an essay on an elephant!

  Tags: children

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• Librarian: "Please be quiet. The people next to you can't read." Boy: "What a shame! I've been reading since I was six."

  Tags: children

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• Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

  Tags: classic, general

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• As I was coming back from Canada, I stopped at the border and the guy asked, "Do you have any firearms with you?" I answered, "What do you need?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.

  Tags: classic, general

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• An Indian man made a painting with the sun above a beach. He proudly displayed his painting. When people marvel at his work and asked, "What's it called?" He said, "Sun of a Beach."

  Tags: misc

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• Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.

  Tags: classic, general

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• How many teachers does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, one to turn it the other to grade the person.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• What does Monica Lewinski and a coin machine have in common? insert bill here!

  Tags: misc

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• My dad has always told me that putting in a little effort and dedication on the job never hurt anyone. Then again, he never heard of worker's comp.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is a horse's favourite Shakepearean play? Rodeo and Juliet

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call an Irishman sitting in your backyard? Paddy O'Furniture

  Tags: one-liners

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• A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $800. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!" The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor. "

  Tags: misc

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• A golf ball is a golf ball, no matter how you putt it.

  Tags: puns

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• From a passenger ship, everyone can see a thin bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands. "Who is it on that island?" a passenger asks the captain. "I have no idea... but every year when we pass, he goes nuts like that."

  Tags: crazy-jokes

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• Policeman: "When I saw you coming around the corner, I said to myself, `fifty-five at least.'" Woman driver: "Well, you are a long way off! It's this hat that makes me look so old!"

  Tags: misc

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• Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?New Jersey got to pick first.

  Tags: misc

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• Why does a dog have fur? 'Cause if he didn't he'd be a little "bare"!

  Tags: animal

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• Always keep several "get well" cards on the mantle. That way, if unexpected guests arrive they will think you have been sick and unable to clean.

  Tags: misc

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• In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers. They shoot a six, yell fore, and write five.

  Tags: sports

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• Do you know what style of shoes a frog loves most? Open toad!

  Tags: puns

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• Q. Why are families like chocolate? A. They are mostly sweet, with a few nuts!

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Can you decipher this phrase? EHCA Backache!

  Tags: animal

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• What do you call a flying skunk? A smell-icopter

  Tags: animal

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• Q. What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a computer? A. A lot of Bytes!!!

  Tags: tech

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• Did You Get the Tickets?

  Bob: Did you get the tickets? Fred: What tickets? Bob: To the Gun Show! Well, let's see now, I think they're both pretty good, but...this one has it!

  Tags: misc

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• A man was having a serious surgical operation. When he woke up, he asked his doctor, "Did it go well?" "It went perfectly." "Then why do I have this headache?" "Oh, that. Halfway through the operation, we ran out of anesthetic."

  Tags: medical

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• Did you hear about the runner who was criticized? He just took it in stride

  Tags: classic, general

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• Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one!

  Tags: classic, dad

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• Two fat men took part in a marathon. One ran in short bursts, and the other ran in burst shorts.

  Tags: puns

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• Knock Knock! Who's there? Amos. Amos who? Amosquito bit me!

  Tags: knock-knock

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• Daddy Needs a New Pair O' Pants!

  Everyone knows that common phrase, meaning, 'COME ON, I NEED TO GET LUCKY!' Well, whenever I need to get lucky, I say, Daddy needs a new pair o' pants! (Come on, winter is coming!)

  Tags: misc

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• Q. How do you keep an idiot busy? A. Tell him that the ground is going to fall on him if he doesn't get off it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A man noted for his tact was awakened one morning at four o'clock by his ringing telephone. "Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an irate voice. The man thanked his caller and politely asked his name before hanging up. The next morning at four o'clock, he called his neighbour back. "Sir," he said, "I don't have a dog."

  Tags: misc

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• Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.

  Tags: misc

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• What do you call a Canadian fire? A Calgary Flame.

  Tags: sports

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• For immediate issue: Password Security Guidelines V2.2b Due to new security policies, the following guidelines have been issued to assist in choosing new passwords. Please follow them closely. Passwords must conform to at least 21 of the following attributes.

  Tags: computers

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• Route 66 says to the country road: Hey, man, you straight? Country road says: Heck no, I'm a byway!

  Tags: puns

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• What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in front of a door? Matt What do you call a guy with no arms or legs swimming? Bob What do you call a guy with no arms or legs water skiing? Skip

  Tags: misc

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• I have a map of the world... its actual size.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why doesn't the glue inside the bottle dry?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Yankee Doodle went to town A-riding on his mother Every time he hit a bump He had another brother!

  Tags: misc

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• Why do psychics ask so many questions when they supposedly already know the answers?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does a Mexican firefighter name his twin sons? Jose and Josbe

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the chicken lay the egg?Because everyone else was taken

  Tags: misc

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• I was watching my friend instant message. She was talking to a kid that she knew. The kid had lost his hat. I suggested, rather foolishly, to look in his nose. (As a joke, of course) My friend typed this. He then wrote (without seeing the message that my friend wrote) I'm going to look there on Monday.

  Tags: misc

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• Child: Mom! I got a 100% on my homework! Mom: Really? On what subject? Child: A 40% on science and a 60% on spelling.

  Tags: children

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• My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will? What will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

  Tags: misc

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• A man and his love had a terrible spat: She scratched his face and he knocked her flat; She spat at him and he threw her around; She jumped from behind and he fell to the ground. How sad to see such trouble as that... Between a man and his household cat!

  Tags: animal

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• Teacher: Alvin, how many letters are in the alphabet? Alvin: 18. Teacher: Wrong, there are 26. Alvin: No, teacher, there used to be 26, but ET went home in a UFO and the CIA went after him.

  Tags: children

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• A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. "The other night I dreamed I was a Ferrari. Another night I dreamed I was a BMW. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?" "Relax," says the doctor; "you're just having an auto-body experience."

  Tags: medical

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• Why is Mississippi River unusual? Because it has four eyes and can't see!

  Tags: puns

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• Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• What's Samurai Jack's favorite fish? Swordfish

  Tags: misc

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• Toc Toc! Qui est là ? Sheila. Sheila qui? Sheila lutte finale...

  Tags: knock-knock

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• An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman and a fat man are all going skydiving. When they get to jump the Englishman shouts, "God save England!" The Scotsman shouts, "God save Scotland!" The Irishman shouts, "God save Ireland!" Then the fat man jumps and shouts, "God save whoever I land on!"

  Tags: misc

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• Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? It's two-tired.

  Tags: classic, general

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• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: What did the little chick say when his mom laid an orange? A: Look at the orange-mama-lade!

  Tags: puns

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• Prudhomme's Law of Window Washing It's on the OTHER side.

  Tags: one-liners

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• War not determine who right, war determine who left.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? A. Money.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it's an anagram of 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not!

  Tags: one-liners

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• When I worked in the tourist industry in Florida, we got to wear some of the buttons that were for sale. My favorite read : We love serving tourists; I like mine well done!

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you fall down a bottomless pit... do you eventually die of starvation?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Try to refrain from referring to this website or the users of this website in the jokes you post on Wocka. This is mainly because most of the people who read the jokes might not understand the reference to a particular person and they will rate the joke poorly because they do not understand it.

  Tags: misc

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• Little four-year-old Jenny was looking at her new baby brother for the first time. He was fast asleep. After staring at her tiny, motionless baby brother for a few minutes, Jenny looked up at her mother and asked plaintively, "Didn't he come with batteries?"

  Tags: children

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• Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• What is represented by this? HEAR T Broken heart!

  Tags: animal

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• Please submit any comments you have using this form: Your Email Address: Message: Send Feedback

  Tags: misc

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• I went into a restaurant that served 'breakfast at any time'. So, I asked for French Toast in the time of the Renaissance

  Tags: one-liners

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• Knock, knock. Who's there? Isabel. Isabel who? Is-a-bel ringing? I thought I heard one.

  Tags: knock-knock

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• A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where do fish keep their life savings? At the river bank!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: What does a fish use to get high? A: Seaweed!

  Tags: animal

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• 1. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 2. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement. 3. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Fellow orders a triple whisky at the bar and stikes up a conversation with the landlord.Fellow: I shouldn't drink this with what I've Got!Landlord: Why what have you got?Fellow: Fifty Pence!

  Tags: misc

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• What do you call a monkey in a mine field? A babooooom!

  Tags: classic, general

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• Recently I was behind a car with three bumper stickers: Don't be fooled by genetically engineered food--demand labels and safety testing for food; Eat for the health of it; and Support organic farmers." The car was in front of me at a McDonalds drive-through.

  Tags: misc

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