Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• What's a pirates favourite letter? P, because without it they're irate

  Tags: one-liners

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• Friend: "I don't want to bore you with my problems." Me: "Awesome, thank you."

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• What do you call a snobby criminal walking down the steps? A condescending con descending.

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• 62% of Kentuckians pronounce their state capital "Loo-uh-vul", while 38% say "Loo-ee-ville". Unfortunately, the correct answer is Frankfort.

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• Accidentally swiped my donor card instead of my debit card today... my groceries ended up costing me an arm and a leg

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• If you ever feel your job is meaningless... Just remember that it's somebody's job to install turn signals to BMW's

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• I was feeling lonely, so I bought some shares. It's nice to have some company.

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• What animal has exactly 12 grams of carbon? A mole

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• How do you scare a snowman? You get a hairdryer!

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• “Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”. “No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

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• Why did KGB officers always travel in threes? One who could read, one who could write, and the third to watch over those two dangerous intellectuals.

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• My buddy just lost his job at a cinema that only shows Pixar films... He forgot to show Up

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• There's nothing like the joy on a kid's face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

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• Why did the mermaid rush out of her maths exam, red faced and embarrassed? Because her algaebra didn't hold up.

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• What does the apple user do when he wants to customize his device? He adjusts the volume.

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• "Fortnite" is a terrible name for a game. It's too weak.

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• My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Gandalf!", and "Mordor!". Always Tolkien in her sleep...

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• If you ask me what my favorite rock band is and I'm being subjective, I'd say The Who. If I was being objective, I'd say it was The Whom.

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• Only in America ... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

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• In 20 years, I bet there's going to be a college course called eye contact.

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• The sun is going to go out in 4 billion years, and you sit there and act like everything is fine.

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• One day you're the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you're toast.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.

  Tags: misc

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• I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues. The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

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• There's no reason to be tailgating me when I'm doing 50 in a 35 and those flashing lights on your car look stupid.

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• Where did the frugal judge sent the criminal? To the pennytentiary.

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• A music note walks into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, you're A Minor, we can't serve you."

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• What does a baby computer call its father? Data.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• It's not a relationship until you argue about whose turn it is to apologize.

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• For Americans - let me break down today's Glenn Maxwell cricket innings from Australia. Australia is a country and a continent.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Why was the horse so happy? Because he lived in a stable environment.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What do you call a Belgian businessman? An Antwerp-eneur!

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• Give a man an egg and he’ll eat for a day. Breed a man that can lay an egg and suddenly you’re “taking science too far.”

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• Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10? I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"

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• Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, food

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• I never thought I'd buy into Feng Shui. But oh how the tables have turned.

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• I finally learned how to convert units to the metric system! It's a real 1.61kilometers6.35kilograms for me.

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• What did the triangle say to the circle? You're pointless! (by the way, my 8 year old heard at school)

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• What’s Gollum‘s favourite horror movie? The Ring

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• If Satan lost his hair there would be hell toupé.

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• I asked my mother where I have been born when she told me in a hospital. I responded: "Mom was I ill?"

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• People say being a waiter is a bad job but, hey, it puts food on the table.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• That’s not a Crocodile Dundee reference... THIS is a Crocodile Dundee reference.

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• How did Ben Franklin feel about discovering electricity? He was shocked!

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Do you know who created fractions? I think it was Henry the 1/8.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Edgar Allen Poe is about to walk into a tree and you only have enough time to say one word before he hits it. What should you say to him? Poetry!

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• What happened after the wheel was invented? a revolution

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• What did the lead singer of Queen say when he saw his shadow? "I see a little silhouetto of a man!"

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• I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday. My boss said, “Clean our your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”

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• Teacher: Why are you late?Webster: Because of the sign.Teacher: What sign?Webster: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

  Tags: misc

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• what do zombie cereal mascots say? graaaiiiins

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Borrow money from a pessimist---They don't expect it back.

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• Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

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• Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.

  Tags: misc

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• Not to worry: the man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

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• If I had a dime for every time I lost something between the couch cushions... I would probably lose those between the couch cushions too.

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• Two introverts walk into a room... One leaves

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• Why do teenage girls hang out in odd-numbered groups? Because they can't even.

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• I hate One Direction fans... Oscillating ones cool down a room much better.

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• Growing up, my dad said we should treat him like a god so we pretty much ignored him until we were sick, hurt, or broke.

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• What do Clowns and moldy bread have in common? They both taste funny.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II. I mean, there were red flags everywhere.

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• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

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• What is the scariest thing to read in braile? "Do not touch"

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• How do you get a guitar player to stop playing? Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• If I discovered a new animal I'd call it a Quorn to mess with vegetarians.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, food

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• You're not old until a teenager describes you as middle-aged.

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• Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.

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• I am friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y

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• Sometimes when I feel lonely I buy some stocks. Its nice to have a bit of company

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• Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.

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• Joke my kid made up when he was like 4.... What do you call an angry shopper using bad words? A cussomer.

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• Not to brag, but I still fit into the lack of enthusiasm I had in high school.

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• All my friends jokingly said that this girl I have a date with is imaginary. Well, the joke is on them. Because so are they

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• Speak your mind out when you're angry. You'll make the best speech you'll ever live to regret.

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• Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

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• Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippy? He was too far-out.

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• Every year there is a race from one side of Sweden to the other... They start at the Norwegian line and end up at the Finnish line.

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• People use to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian" Well nobody is laughing now.

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• How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Once the bulb goes out, they replace the house.

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• I always knock on the fridge before I open it. Just in case there's a salad dressing.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• A man holding a large block of asphalt walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "A beer for me, and one for the road."

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• Went to quite a few stores to find the best prices for herbs... I think it was thyme well spent.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• How many D D players does it take to change a light bulb? All of them. Never split the party.

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• When I went to Japan on vacation, I didn't see a single ninja. Impressive.

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• is it crazy how saying sentences backwards . . . . . .create backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

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• Is it wrong to hate a certain race? I don't mind running a 5k, but my friends want to run in a 10k and I don't like 10ks

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• I'm ready to start a family, in the sense that I have enough chip clips for 6 people.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• My friend asked me if I have ever heard the song "Wonderwall". I said maybe.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I had to start hiding cereal in my clothes so that my siblings couldn’t eat all of it. I have Trix up my sleeve.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• What happens if someone steals uranium? It becomes theiranium

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• Someone asked me what the 9th letter of the Alphabet was. It was a complete guess, but I was right.

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• I wonder why there are locks on the doors of Seven-Eleven when it says they are open 24/7.

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• I put root beer into a square cup. All I have now is beer.

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• Q: Did you hear about the man with a broken left arm and broken left leg? A: Don't worry he's "ALRIGHT" now!

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• What's worse than finding a hole in your shoe? Finding a shoe in your hole.

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• Communist jokes are not funny... unless everyone gets them

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• So I woke up this morning to my dishwasher making a weird sound.. Turns out she was just vacuuming.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If it weren't for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for everybody.

  Tags: puns

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• What's DJ Khaleds favourite number? 11 because it has another 1.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The artist thought his favourite paint had been stolen, but it was just a pigment of his imagination.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well they're not laughing now!

  Tags: one-liners

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• How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music? They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• I'm an adult. I don't cry over spilt milk unless it has coffee in it.

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• I'm really pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I've got eight fridges.

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• My family always celebrates Thanksgiving with a fast. The faster we eat, the more food we get.

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• Don't marry a singer. I married one and it was just "me, me, me" all the time.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• I once tried to make a square but I ended up with an octagon. That’s what happens when you cut corners

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• My stats professor told me that the larger the sample size the more trustworthy the data. I guess the N's justify the means.

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• Hey girl, are you a broken compass? Because I’m not really sure where I’m going with this

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• How did the two archaeologists fall in love? Carbon dating.

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• Why isn't there a tax on stuff I DON'T like?

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• When I canceled my gym membership, I had to hand in my too weak notice

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• Why does leather armor make you better at sneaking? Because it's made of hide.

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• What's the difference between a pipe fitter and a chemical engineer? They way they pronounce unionized.

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• For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist." I haven't worn it yet.

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• What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

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• The hotel has a live band and my favourite song is "We're going for a break now, we'll be back later".

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• “A Beginner’s Guide to Boxing”. - By Bob Andweave

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• Why didn't the green pepper practice archery? Because it didn't habanero.

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• I think I want a job cleaning mirrors. It's just something I could really see myself doing.

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• Always make sure SOMEONE in the relationship has good credit... That's why it's called SIGNIFICANT other. Sign/if/I/Can't.

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• What's the stupidest animal in the jungle? The Polar bear.

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• I used to be in a band, we were called 'lost dog'. You probably saw our posters.

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• A Man Claimed I stole His Guitar. I told him his accusations were bassless.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• Why do some couples not go to the gym? Some relationships don't work out...

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• Where is happiness made? At the satisfactory.

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• Not to brag, but I have sychic powers. For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot!”

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• If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

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• My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.

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• I want my 11780 dollars. Dear Bank of America, I just want to find 11780 more dollars in my savings account.Everyone at your bank counted wrong.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Did you know they have Knight Rider in the GDR? It's a Trabant with a pocket calculator!

  Tags: misc

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• Tea is like F5 to me, it's refreshing.

  Tags: one-liners, food, programming

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• I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

  Tags: puns

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• I can't count how many times I failed maths at school.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the butcher

  Tags: animal

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• My mum tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she'd just ironed. It may sound far-fetched but it's true. I watched it all unfold.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a snowman in July? A puddle.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I dreamed I drowned in an ocean made of orange soda. When I woke I realized it was just a Fanta sea.

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• My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing... Probably because it's a Dell

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• What type of underpants do lawyers wear? Legal briefs.

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• What do you call a spider with 20 eyes? Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider

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• I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.

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• Do it tomorrow. You have made enough mistakes for today.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Bro, do you want this pamphlet? Brochure.

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• I work in a library. Literally, all we do is judge books by their covers.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Why is Pavlov's hair so soft? Classic conditioning.

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• So my neighbour knocked on my door at 3am.. 3 AM! Can you believe that?! He was lucky I was still playing on my drumkit..

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• My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am...Can you believe that, 2:30am!? Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes

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• Is everything expensive or I'm just poor?

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered all over the world.

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• When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.

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• Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Cause light attracts bugs.

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• I am thinking about pursuing a job as a crowd estimator. I wonder how many people are in that field

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• The invention of the spoon was an important point in human history. It caused...quite a stir.

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• I've opened three birthday cards and I'm already $150 up. I love being a postman!

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• The furniture store keeps calling me back..... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

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• What does a redneck Buddhist believe in? Reintarnation.

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• What do arrows and young ladies have in common? They're all aquiver in the presence of a beau.

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• I'm so bad my imaginary friend left me.

  Tags: misc

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• Have you heard about the boss who got their foot stuck in an electrical cord? >!They went on a power trip!<

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a mind reader who can't read minds? A telepathetic.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Sorry I'm late. I was trying to think of ways to get out of this.

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• Good morning to everyone except people who call to make sure you got their email (like 30 seconds after you got it).

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• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

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• What type of exam does the vampire teacher give his students? A blood test.

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• When I lose the TV controller, it's always hidden in some remote destination.

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• Where did the spaghetti and the sauce go dancing? The meatball!

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• What did the verb say when the words have, has, and had were removed from the English language? "Nobody's perfect!"

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• I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps. But I'm slowly getting over it.

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• I spent £80 taking my son to see the cricket today. Eighty quid and all it did was hop about and chirrup.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Why the crab cross the road? It didn't, it used the sidewalk.

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• Yo girl, are you my appendix? Because I don't really understand how you work, but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.

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• What do you call a boat full of polite football players? A good sportsman ship.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, sports

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• I recently heard about a mannequin that lost all of his friends because he was so clothes minded!

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Would anyone be interested in being my companion? Asking for a friend

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• When I visited Australia, the immigration officer asked me if I had a criminal record... Confused, I replied, “Oh, is that still required?”

  Tags: one-liners

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• I love throwing house warming parties. But for some reason the police keep calling it 'Arson'.

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• What’s it called when a tractor waits for a pedestrian to cross? Crop yield

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• My friend tries to impress girls by drawing realistic pictures of a Ford F-150. He’s ....a pickup artist.

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• What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up? Someday my prints will come!

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• You can’t breathe through your nose while smiling. Of course you can I just wanted you to smile!

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• Apple really is the most futuristic company out there. They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm sick of tired of people soaking my floor with their wet umbrellas when they come over to visit. I think it's time to make a stand.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did one German wheat farmer say to the other German wheat farmer? Gluten tag

  Tags: one-liners

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• People said I'd never get over my obsession with Phil Collins. But take a look at me now.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Don't follow in my footsteps, I walk into walls.

  Tags: one-liners

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• It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails. But when it happens no one is shocked.

  Tags: one-liners

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• what is a 4 person rock group that doesn't play music? mount rushmore

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have one of those unlimited cell phone plans. There's no limit to how much they can charge me.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Why did all the prisoners at the AT&T jail escape? Because they had no bars on their cells!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Never hypothetically ask yourself if the person in front of you can go any slower, because the answer is yes.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Did you know they don't have dad jokes in Egypt? They are called mummy jokes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about the baker who robbed a bank? He just burst in there, buns glazing!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Working at a Hospital is the worst cause you can't call in sick. You: "Yeah, I can't come in today, I'm sick." Boss: "Come on in, we'll check you out."

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• A person who speaks two languages is bilingual and one who speaks three, is trilingual. What do you call a person who speaks only one language? American

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you watch Jeopardy backwards, it's about rich people paying money for answers to questions. That is all.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call an aging actor who has finally paid off his house? Mortgage freeman.

  Tags: one-liners

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• One of the greatest labor-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

  Tags: misc

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• Some acids walked into the enemy base... Threat Neutralized.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where do fish work? The offish.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, at-work

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• Why do psychics ask so many questions when they supposedly already know the answers?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I will never date a girl who doesn’t understand algebra jokes. That’s why my x is no longer in the equation

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Scientists discovered a revolutionary material with infinite length and zero depth. ... but then they realized No Man's Sky was invented already.

  Tags: one-liners

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• All my friends from Ecuador seem to be really healthy. I guess the Quito diet is working for them.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where do bad gymnasts go? Behind parallel bars!

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• A chicken and an egg walk into a bar. The barman says, "Who's first?"

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What do you call a bull that got stuck in a door? Adoorabull

  Tags: one-liners

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• I went to my local self defense gym and asked if I can take 2 classes today. They said no. “You can taekwondo”

  Tags: one-liners

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• My sister gave birth in a state-of-the-art delivery room. It was so high tech that the baby came out cordless!

  Tags: one-liners

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• The trouble with doing nothing is that you never know when you are finished.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If the FBI needs to get into someones's iPhone without permission.. They should just call U2 and ask how they did it

  Tags: one-liners

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• Light babies are delivered by stork, heavy babies... Delivered by crane.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I came into this world screaming and I still haven't stopped.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If 7-11(pharmacy) is open 24/7 then why do they have locks on their doors?

  Tags: deep-thoughts

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• Brains are wonderful, I wish everyone had one.

  Tags: one-liners

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• That awesome moment when you open the fridge and the first thing you see is the thing you wanted to eat.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear what happened to the big game taxidermist who fell behind on his debt? His deer rear career is in arrears

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it’s just beer.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When the bank gives my kid a lollipop I take it and eat it because I want him to understand how banks really work.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, money

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• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

  Tags: one-liners

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• It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's a pirate's favorite letter? Ye'd think it was R, but his first love be the C.

  Tags: one-liners

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• This power washer says you're supposed to wear safety goggles when you use it. I can't see why.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I recently got sick at the airport, my doctor says it's a terminal illness.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous, But backwards it’s even more stupid.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I tell you I'm thinking about you, don't get too excited, because I'm also thinking about nachos.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I had a goal to lose 20 Pounds by the end of the year. 30 pounds to go

  Tags: one-liners

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• A local movie theatre was robbed of $600 worth of merchandise. The suspects stole 3 medium popcorns, 1 bag of skittles and 4 small diet cokes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are New Yorkers so depressed?? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you're not part of the solution... You're part of the precipitate.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I named my eraser Confidence. Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the similarity between dark humor and food? Some people don't get it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sure, I may be slow, but I do lousy work.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Why don't Ewoks yell inside? Because they use their Endor voices!

  Tags: one-liners

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