Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• What do you call an airship made up of lights? An LED Zeppelin

  Tags: one-liners

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• It seems like less people are solving their differences with dance offs.

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• Don't you dare hit that drum again! If you do, there will be repercussions!

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• Last Father's Day my son gave me something I always wanted: the keys to my car.

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• Rick Astley will lend you any of the Pixar films in his collection, except one. He's never gonna give you Up.

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• Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.

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• Whenever I get a stack of resumes on my desk at work, I always pick half at random and throw them out. Don’t need unlucky people working in my department.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What language do metallic fruits periodically speak? Manganese.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• The contact lens is mans greatest invention. At least in my eyes

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• Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen.

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• I finally got an A on my essay! Only 1999 more words to go.

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• Why are divorces so expensive? Because they're worth it.

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• Daddy, what are clouds made of? Linux servers, mostly.

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• 5 years from now it'll be 2020... I can see it now... That's a perfect vision joke.

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• Would a fly that loses its wings be called a walk?

  Tags: misc

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• Man I really hate calculus. It just derives me crazy

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy!

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• Have you ever played quiet tennis? It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.

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• The creator of WinRAR was arrested and put on trial. The trial was supposed to last 40 days, but it keeps on going

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• I'm at my most amazing when no one is paying attention.

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• I wanted to tell you all about a color I made up..... but, as it turns out, it was just a pigment of my imagination.

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• If Stranger Things was British it’d be called. Bit Odd Innit?

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• How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool? "Please Get Out The Pool"

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• I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Children are the leading cause of old age.

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• I saved 15% on car insurance by switching.... The gear to reverse and pulling away from the accident

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• My new car has a reverse camera. It’s awesome. Since I got it, I haven’t looked back.

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• I spy with my little eye nothing because I only have two normal-sized eyes.

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• Why did the chicken cross the basketball court ? He heard the ref was blowing fouls

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• I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football. Nobody expects the Spanish in position.

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• My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my tv.

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• This morning some clown opened the door for me. I thought to myself that's a nice Jester.

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• I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn't answered a phone call since 2008.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Why did the otter want to work at NASA? So he could go to Otter Space.

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• I was watching Jurassic park the other day.. . when I thought "not only does my son have a really stupid name, he ́s also a terrible driver"

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• I went on a job interview, Interviewer asks, Do you have any experience? Me: Yes, of course, "This is my 20th interview"

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• THIS JUST IN!!!!! Corduroy pillows are making headlines.........

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• What happens when you fall in love with a french chef? You get buttered up.

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• My uncle is very superstitious. He won't work any week that has a Friday in it.

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• I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching. To reverse and leaving the scene

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• My local movie theater was robbed of almost $10,000. The thieves got away with three boxes of popcorn, two large sodas, three boxes of candy and a hotdog.

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• Let's walk and talk. You go that way.

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• Did you hear what NASA's new slogan will be once their budget is cut? "NASA: The Sky's The Limit"

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• I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.

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• We should've known about the failure of communism. In retrospect, there were a lot of red flags...

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• I named my son Gram. It's short for Grammar because he was supposed to be a period.

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• To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

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• Why are Pokemon considered manly in Peru? It all dates back to the time of Macho-Pikachu

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• What's the difference between Leonardo Dicaprio and Sesame Street? Sesame Street has an Oscar.

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• A friend asked me if I knew anything about 1’s and 0’s. I told him I knew a bit

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• Do Roman paramedics refer to an IV as a four?

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• Every day two million Americans play tennis and one million of them lose.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing my down. My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it

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• The Earth's surface is 70% water. That water is uncarbonated. Therefore, the Earth is flat.

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• There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What packs a punch in your pants? Boxers.

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• How does a snowman get around? He rides an icicle!

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• Did you hear that in the next fast and the furious movie they’re getting rid of those long fin things on the back of the cars? Ah sorry, spoilers

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• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

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• Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon. Neil before me.

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• My two friends persuaded me to dress up as prepeller blades with them. At first I wasnt sure but now I'm a huge fan.

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• I saw an Elsa blanket. I didn’t get it though, the cold never really bothered me anyways.

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• 4 Norse god, 1 Roman god, and 2 astronomical bodies walk into a bar. The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"

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• I wanted to make a joke about criminals, but I was scared it would get stolen.

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• Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why. He said "inflation"

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• Why did Thor lose his lightning powers? Because his father grounded him.

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• Somedays I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Teacher: "I asked you to draw a cow and grass, but I only see a cow. Where is grass?" Student: "The cow ate the grass, sir."

  Tags: one-liners, animal, food

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• I used to have a job crushing cans in a soft drink factory all day. It was soda pressing.

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• Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.

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• I found my son playing with a voodoo doll. He had already promised that he would stop. It really felt like I got stabbed in the back.

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• IamA Bing search engine AMA. Please. Just ask me something.

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• What's the best thing to put into a pie? Your teeth!

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• What do you call a mind reader who can't read minds? A telepathetic.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

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• My dad asked me why there was a lion and a witch in my wardrobe. I said its Narnia buisness

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• The other day I was singing in the shower, and I got soap in my mouth. Guess what happened then? It became a soap opera.

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• I told my friends I had a date with a really attractive girl... they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are too.

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• What did Chuck Norris tell his father when he left for college? “You’re the man of the house now”

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• What did the light bulb say to the socket?I love you watts!!

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• Lazy people fact #4564321564. You were too lazy to read that number.

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• Fruit Loops is putting marshmallows in their cereal like Lucky Charms. I guess Toucan play that game

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Incorrectly is the only word that when spelled right, is still spelled incorrectly.

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• Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.

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• Will carrying a torch save you from an attacking bear? Depends on how fast you can carry it.

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• I got a pet newt, and I named him Tiny. Because he's my newt

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• Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I do try to be empathetic and put myself in other people's shoes... but I have big feet.

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• If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow -- even during a hurricane! -- here is a valuable tip: Your life is in trouble.

  Tags: sports

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• Someone asked me what the 9th letter of the Alphabet was. It was a complete guess, but I was right.

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• How are bats like real-estate agents? It’s all echo-location location location

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• I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite. It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.

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• If I got 50¢ for every math test I've failed. I would have $7.20 by now

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• The Sun doesn't need to go to college. Because it already has 28 million degrees.

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• iPhone8 (X) has facial recognition. It looked at my face and told me that I can't afford it...

  Tags: one-liners, money, programming

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• I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say. "Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!"

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• My password is the last 16 digits of Pi.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Why did I quit my job in Mexico? It didn't peso well.

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• What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.

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• 90's kids won't get this 😂😂. Affordable housing prices

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• What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat? Banned from the zoo.

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• Where does a fish deposit his checks? At the river bank

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• I was reading a book when my 5yo cousin asked "why is that book so thick?" Then i told him "its a long story"

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• What does the Easter Bunny get for making a basket? Two points, just like everyone else!

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• Stop calling it the Zelda Franchise - It's called the Zelda Chain. Because there's so many Links

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• Where does the Easter Bunny go to eat pancakes? To IHOP, of course!

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• With great power comes a great electricity bill. Watt a powerfull message.

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• what do zombie cereal mascots say? graaaiiiins

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Why is it hard to make friends in Antarctica? Because you can't break the ice.

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• What do you get when multiplication, division, addition, and subtraction don't shower for a month? The Odor of Operations

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• If I've learned anything in life, it's that not enough people are at a loss for words.

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• A man phoned to find out whether he could get insurance if the nearby volcano erupted... They assured him he would be covered.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered - the chicken.

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• Sometimes I just tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll

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• A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• "This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you. "Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine, I'll take two. "

  Tags: computers

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• Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months.

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• Atlas is the biggest thief in history, because he held up the whole world.

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• Q: Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil? A: Because it's pointless!

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• Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

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• As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass. Just wanted to make that clear.

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• Why do people become butchers? So they can meat people.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, food

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• Which hotel chain does Link prefer? HYAAAATT!!!

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• Why do hipsters love Raiders of the Lost Ark? Because it's the first Indy movie.

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• What did the archaeologist find? He won't tell me but he said it's groundbreaking

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• What kind of sunglasses does Ned Flanders wear? Oakley Dokelys

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• Stephen King has a son named Joe. I’m not joking, but he is!

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• How do you turn a three-dimensional printer into a four-dimensional printer? Just give it time.

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• Why do teenage girls hang out in odd-numbered groups? Because they can't even.

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• Why are cats, bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• How does a squid go into battle? Well armed

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• What’s the most British thing in the British museum? The name.

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• This vehicle stopped on a dime. Unfortunately, the dime was in Joey's pocket

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• I wonder if Buzz and woody had ever met Andy's mom's toys. They probably have the same names

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• I set Blur’s Parklife as my alarm, and it goes off every single day of the week... Except for Wednesdays, when I’m rudely awakened by the dustman.

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• How many of the phrases in English are palindromes? Not a ton

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• Why are pirates the best at calculus? Because a true pirate never forgets the C .

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• What is another word for Thesaurus?

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• My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal. China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.

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• Did you know to that tin can was invented 1810, but the can opener wouldn’t be invented for another 16 years? So until then they were just called can’ts.

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• The worst thief ever came to my birthday party today. I mean, I've seen other thieves, but this one took the cake.

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• I just met the lead singer of Mushroomhead. He seems like a fungi

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• Borrow money from a pessimist---They don't expect it back.

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• I don’t know why marvel hasn’t tried to advertise on the hulk. He’s a giant banner after all.

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• Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue? It was about a week back.

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• I have a horse named Mayo. Mayo neighs.

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• One of my coworkers got fired for putting dangerous substances in the products. I don’t think it was completely his fault though. He did asbestos he could.

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• We all know where the Big Apple is... But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?

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• Everyone has a photographic memory, some don't have film.

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• How Can You Tell If a Man's a Redneck?

  If he concentrates on the bottle because it says, "from concentrate!"

  Tags: misc

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• To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

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• Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That's my kid telling a story.

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• Global warming is a joke. Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

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• My roommates get angry when I steal their kitchen utensils. But frankly, thats a whisk I'm willing to take.

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• What would you call the Fantastic Four if Snoop Dogg joined the team? The High Five

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• Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Wait until it's born.

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• Communist jokes are not funny... unless everyone gets them

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• The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron. Which is ironic.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• What is the most dangerous type of canoes? Volcanoes

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• The worst part about working for the department of unemployment. Is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.

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• If you put your left shoe on the wrong foot... it's on the right foot.

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• People who can't tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals. .are missing the point.

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• What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia!

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• Just saw on the news that Apple is suing Samsung: They claim that the Galaxy S3 has copied concepts used on the iPhone 6.

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• I told my dad to embrace his mistakes. He gave me a hug

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• Do doughnut shops need security systems?

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• In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

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• When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

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• Vacation begins when dad says. "I know a shortcut"!

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• Did you hear about the cowboy who wore a hat made of paper towels? He had a bounty on his head.

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• How do you sneak up on celery? You stalk it.

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• I've found if you say "well well well" as soon as someone sits down across from you, you immediately get the upper hand for about 2 seconds.

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• What does a programmer wear? Whatever is in the dress code.

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• Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .

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• Sometimes people with a lot of cents have little sense.

  Tags: puns

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• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

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• i call myself terms and conditions. because y'all keep ignoring me

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• [God-awful OC] What do you call someone who lets people rent wifi signals from them? The lanlord!

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• How do teddy bears keep their den cool in summer? They use bear conditioning!

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• If a short psychic broke out of jail, then you'd have a small medium at large.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb? Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Ok, what's the latest possible date that I can still make something of my life?

  Tags: one-liners

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• The last airline I flew charged for everything. Except for the bad service. That was free.

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• Of all the inventions of the last 100 years... the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable

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• How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus, the clowns don't talk.

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• People are 63% more likely to believe a made up stat if you say it confidently. This increases to 78.47 if you add a decimal

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• I know a mathematician who can't afford lunch. He can binomial.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where do sharks go on summer vacation? Finland!

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• If the entire world was a stage and God was the director, what we need is a rehearsal.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I hate when people ask for likes... Like if you agree!

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• What did one autumn leaf say to another? I'm falling for you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If someone says, "A penny for your thoughts,", and you give them your two cents worth, what happens to the other penny?

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you know if someone is hitchhiking or just complimenting your driving?

  Tags: one-liners

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• New technology uses bacteria to power a laptop. I guess you could say the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the dell

  Tags: one-liners

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• How come you're responsible if you do your taxes in March, but I'm crazy when I do my trick-or-treating in September?

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• The Calbuco volcano is very hot right now... But everything around it is Chile.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Where do bad gymnasts go? Behind parallel bars!

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Mosquitos consider most people as food, but grandma's an open bar.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If breaks are meant to be slow... then why do they call it "breakfast"?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Studies show "not jokes" are coming back and are likely to be funnier than ever. Not.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why does a 6 oz hamburger have less energy than a 6 oz steak? Because the hamburger is in the ground state.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I think my smartphone is broken. I keep pressing the Home button, but I'm still working.

  Tags: tech

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• What do you call a cheetah that's been eaten? Fast food.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• My Czech mate is surprisingly bad at chess.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• A teacher asks a student, "Are you ignorant or just apathetic?" The kid answers, "I don't know and I don't care."

  Tags: one-liners

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• Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My brother has been writing a stage drama about a dictionary and a thesaurus. I'm really looking forward to it. I love a play on words.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I burned my Hawaiian pizza today... I guess i should have put the oven on aloha setting

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many vegans does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger? One if nobody's looking.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat. She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why doesn't the glue inside the bottle dry?

  Tags: one-liners

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• My buddy just lost his job at a cinema that only shows Pixar films... He forgot to show Up

  Tags: one-liners

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• Wanna hear a joke about the ozone layer? [depleted]

  Tags: one-liners

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• This girl said she knew me from the vegetarian restaurant... But I've never met herbivore!

  Tags: one-liners

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• My mind is like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in 37 states.

  Tags: one-liners

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• In high school some kids told me they’d give me $20 to hang out with them. Turns out it was just clique bait.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a vet that can only work on one animal? A doctor

  Tags: one-liners

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• I put root beer into a square cup. All I have now is beer.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Always go to other peoples funerals, or they wont come to yours.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the difference between a race across Asia, and one across Europe? The one across Europe eventually ends because it has a Finnish line

  Tags: one-liners

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• My mom's favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are badminton players so loud? Because they are always making a racket!

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• What is Asia's favourite sitcom? Everybody loves Ramen.

  Tags: one-liners

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• It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course there's shipping and handling, too.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What kind of math do fish like? ALGAE-bra

  Tags: one-liners

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• I know Jiu-Jitsu, Sambo, Judo, Aikido and lots of other scary words.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third. At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• May your troubles be as few and far between as your great-grandmother's teeth.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You stare at frozen juice cans because they say, "concentrate".

  Tags: one-liners

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• A music note walks into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, you're A Minor, we can't serve you."

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• If a sheep is in control of a country, it will be called. A dictatorsheep

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Scientist keep finding broom sticks all over beaches. Due to sand-witches

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you guys hear about the globe that got pressed flat into vinyl album? Yeah, it was a world record.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does a pulley like the best about its position? It's the center of a tension.

  Tags: one-liners

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