Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• All I asked for this Christmas was a dictionary and I didn't get one. I'm at a loss for words.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did Montenegro’s internet domain say when it broke up from Yugoslavia? It’s not .yu it’s .me

  Tags: one-liners

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• Some say that the english language is hard to learn. But you can do it through tough, thorough thought though.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about the LEGO truck that crashed on the highway? Authorities are still trying to piece everything together...

  Tags: one-liners

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• As I was coming back from Canada, I stopped at the border and the guy asked, "Do you have any firearms with you?" I answered, "What do you need?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth today. Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why don't aliens visit Earth? Bc we have 1 star rating...

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• What do you call a cow spying on another cow? A steak out

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• what is it called when your crush has a crush on you too? Imagination.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Americans may be ignorant of other cultures... But at least we invented the hamburger

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• I once abused someone with a dictionary... The judge didn't know whether to charge me with verbal or physical assault

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a vampire’s shoulder blade? Count Scapula

  Tags: one-liners

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• Hawt het hlle ma i redanig?

  Tags: misc

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• If I won $900,000,000, I'd give a quarter of it to charity not sure what I'd do with the other $899,999,999.75 though.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to fine art.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've just invented a telepathically controlled air freshener. Makes scents when you think about it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What’s it called when a tractor waits for a pedestrian to cross? Crop yield

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• What's Whitney Houstons's favourite type of co-ordination? HAND-EEEEEYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEE

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• How do you comfort an English teacher? There, their, they're.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

  Tags: misc

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• Lawyers creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

  Tags: one-liners

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• It's so cold outside. I saw a politican with his hands in his own pockets.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Activate your own virus... type "WIN" at the prompt.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What color is the wind? Blew

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• Atlas is the biggest thief in history, because he held up the whole world.

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• My only talent is sleeping. I could do it with my eyes closed.

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• I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist. It's called 'Facebook'

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• It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

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• What do you call a Communist sniper? A Marxman.

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• What do you call a person without a son? per

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• If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow -- even during a hurricane! -- here is a valuable tip: Your life is in trouble.

  Tags: sports

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• Why couldn't the skeleton cross the road?Because he didn't have the guts.

  Tags: misc

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• What's the difference between rock and jazz? Rock is playing three chords for a thousand people. Jazz is playing a thousand chords for three people.

  Tags: one-liners

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• This vehicle stopped on a dime. Unfortunately, the dime was in Joey's pocket

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• You gotta hand it to short people. because they can't reach it

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a cheetah that's been eaten? Fast food.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• And the award for best neckwear goes to... huh, well would you look at that. It was a tie

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• What did the mirror say to the icicle? If we had kids it would be a miracle.

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• Why can't pirates learn the alphabet? Because they spend years at C.

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• If the earth really is flat. Wouldn't cats have pushed everything off the edge by now?

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• How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. All he has to do is hold it in place while the world revolves around him.

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• Put the punchline in the title. Do you know what the best way to ruin a joke is?

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• I just aced my philosophy test. The question was, "What is the central question of epistemology?" I answered, "How should I know?"

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• If at first you don't succeed ... avoid skydiving.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you're not part of the solution... You're part of the precipitate.

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• To be Frank... I'd have to change my name

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• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

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• As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend Oscar met Leonardo DiCaprio and told him a joke. He didn't get it.

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• Had a conversation with a Miner about the effects it had on the environment. The conversation got rocky.

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• What did the cable say when he was bullied by another cable? "Wire you so mean!"

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• At the job interview, I asked what is the salary like. They said I'll start at minimum wage and make double of that in two years. Ok, I'll be back in two years.

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• Time Machine. I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday. They don't make them like they're going to anymore.

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• You guys know how the toothbrush was invented in the south? Because if it was invented in the north, it would've been called a teethbrush.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A three-legged poodle walked into a bar in the Wild West and said "Hey, I'm lookin for the guy who shot my paw!"

  Tags: misc

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• Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

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• No evidence is good enough for a Creationist... But no evidence is good enough for a Creationist.

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• Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st, be sure to lift your left leg. That way, you'll start the New Year on the right foot.

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• What do you call a Filipino contortionist? A manila folder!!!

  Tags: one-liners

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• My mouth has turned into a flower bed. It has tulips.

  Tags: puns

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• Why doesn't the Grinch like knock knock jokes? Because there's always Whos there!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Tried changing my password to "14days" but it was two week

  Tags: one-liners

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• I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners? Not a fan.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What happens to Nitrogen when you put it in direct sunlight? It becomes DAYTROGEN!

  Tags: one-liners

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• My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper. looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have the talent of doing math with any blade. Mostly long division.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I want my 11780 dollars. Dear Bank of America, I just want to find 11780 more dollars in my savings account.Everyone at your bank counted wrong.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• What do you call a snake that's 3.14 metres long? A πthon

  Tags: one-liners

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• Always be smarter than the inanimate object that you're working with.

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• Did you here about the giant with a nosebleed? It was all over town

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• Shout-out to everyone who is struggling with establishing their identity. You know who you are.

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• Bad news about shortbread! They're not making it any longer.

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• Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls? Because he only dated mummies.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Peyton Manning is opening a bakery. As a special promotion, he's giving away turnovers.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the weightlifter say when he ran out of protein supplement? No whey

  Tags: one-liners

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• I can hear music coming out of my printer... I think the papers jammin' again

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does the dentist of the year get?...A little plaque.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the difference between Astrology and Astronomy? About 50 IQ points.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Have you heard about the amazing new discovery? It's a pill that is half aspirin and half glue for people who suffer from splitting headaches.

  Tags: misc

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• Why did the cross eyed teacher quit her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Stephen King has a son named Joe. I’m not joking, but he is!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I think I'm failing my marine biology class. My grade is below C level.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Why do pediatricians get so frustrated? They have very little patients.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is it hard to make friends in Antarctica? Because you can't break the ice.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I Cuold Time Travel. I would fix the title.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Fishermen hate him—you'll never guess this one strange item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else. Click bait

  Tags: one-liners

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• The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron. Which is ironic.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Don't drink and drive, you'll spill your beer.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A scientist took a selfie while he was drinking liquid nitrogen. He was quoted as saying "It was the coolest shot I ever took"

  Tags: one-liners

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• You play World of Warcraft AND Leage of Legends? Wow, lol.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do British nuclear engineers eat? Fission chips.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Want to hear a construction joke? I'm still working on it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Someone told me they didn't like calculus. I told them their opinion would change over time.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that there is no bad news. The bad news is that there is no good news.

  Tags: misc

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• A fool and his money are soon partying.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't mind my geometry teacher asking me to draw a circle. But to then ask me to turn that circle into two equal parts? That's where I draw the line.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• In the movie 'The Hunt for Red October' ... the entire story is the sub-plot.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What would you call the Fantastic Four if Snoop Dogg joined the team? The High Five

  Tags: one-liners

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• I asked God for a car, but I know God doesn't work that way... So, I stole a car and asked for forgiveness.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Give a man a poison fish and feed him for the rest of his life.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have the best debts in the world! Every single one of them is Outstanding!

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two silk worms are in a wrestling match. It ended in a tie.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My dad’s answer to everything is alcohol... He doesn’t drink, it’s just that he’s really bad at crossword puzzles...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Is it wrong to hate a certain race? I don't mind running a 5k, but my friends want to run in a 10k and I don't like 10ks

  Tags: one-liners

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• I hate when people don’t know the difference between “you’re” and “your”.. There stupid.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I can see six years into the future. I must have 2020 vision.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Just one. How many scientists does it take to build a time machine?

  Tags: one-liners

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• A test-tube baby has a womb with a view.

  Tags: puns

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• What kind kind of triangle is a tortilla chip? An i-salsa-les triangle

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Why did the elephant call the locksmith? Because he lost his keys in his trunk!

  Tags: animal

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• What is the speed of dark?

  Tags: misc

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• How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. But the light bulb has to want to change.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What’s your name? When did you get here? Do you want copper, bronze or tin? Justin.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• What happens when a battery commits a crime? They get charged

  Tags: one-liners

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• What kind of environment do hobbits live in? A hobbitat

  Tags: one-liners

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• What brand of cereal is the strongest?? Mini Wheats, because they’re shredded.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.

  Tags: one-liners

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• There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrnog.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "You're hitting the woods well today, pitty you can't stay out of them!"

  Tags: misc

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• I got a dog from the blacksmiths the other day... As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

  Tags: one-liners

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• People keep telling me that I'm a condescending person. ( That means I talk down to people. )

  Tags: one-liners

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• Today, when my son asked, "Can I have a book mark?" I burst into tears... 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Dave...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is six afraid of seven? Because there's something odd about him

  Tags: one-liners

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• The swordfish has no natural predators to fear from .except the penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

  Tags: misc

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• I got hit in the head with a can of Dr. Pepper today. Luckily I’m not hurt, it was a soft drink

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do they have bar codes on the returning Swedish fleet? So they can Scandinavian.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I didn't lose my mind! I sold it on Ebay...

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm a nobody and nobody is perfect - therefore, I am perfect.

  Tags: one-liners

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• So I bought a miniature airbus and hung it on display in my living room, but nobody seems to notice it. It's a little plane.

  Tags: one-liners

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• It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown - and fewer still to ignore someone completely.

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• I was walking past a building site when the guy hammering the roof called me a "paranoid little weirdo" In morse code

  Tags: one-liners

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• Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's time consuming.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I can't believe that viruses and bacteria would just invade my body without a permission. That makes me sick

  Tags: one-liners

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• Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime. It's just another day at the United States Bureau of Engraving and Printing.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

  Tags: one-liners

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• All this 'Frozen' merchandise is just getting ridiculous. I was at the supermarket earlier and they've now got a whole bloody aisle just for Frozen stuff.

  Tags: one-liners

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• David Hasselhoff calls his Agent and demands, "I want everyone to call me The Hoff from now on." His Agent says, "Sure. No hassle."

  Tags: one-liners

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• There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who thought they knew what the punchline would be, and those who are now searching for the original joke.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I love throwing house warming parties. But for some reason the police keep calling it 'Arson'.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Speak your mind out when you're angry. You'll make the best speech you'll ever live to regret.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics... But graphing is where I draw the line!

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• My brother has been writing a stage drama about a dictionary and a thesaurus. I'm really looking forward to it. I love a play on words.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him. But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Just found out I was dating a commie. Guess I should've noticed the red flags earlier

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does baby volcano say to his volcano mom? Magma.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Why does France have so many rivers? Water follows the path of least resistance.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I had a nickel for every bread pun. I'd have a pun-per-nickel.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• If H2O is water, and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide, what is H2O4? Drinking, bathing, watering etc etc.

  Tags: one-liners

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• IRS... we've got what it takes, to take what you've got

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is a flat earther's least favorite flavor of gum? Spheremint

  Tags: one-liners

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• RIP to my good friend Brian eaten by a pack of dyslexic zombies :(

  Tags: one-liners

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• Accidentally swiped my donor card instead of my debit card today... my groceries ended up costing me an arm and a leg

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a hacker who can see the future? A 4chan teller.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are Pokemon considered manly in Peru? It all dates back to the time of Macho-Pikachu

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have an 18-year-old; her name is Alexis. I chose that name because if I hadn't had her, I'd be driving one.

  Tags: children

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• Give a man a jacket, and he will be warm for the day. Teach a man to jacket, and he will never leave his house.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the archaeologist find? He won't tell me but he said it's groundbreaking

  Tags: one-liners

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• I dreamed I drowned in an ocean made of orange soda. When I woke I realized it was just a Fanta sea.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Yo girl, are you my appendix? Because I don't really understand how you work, but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a vehicle with no fuel in Africa? Outtagascar

  Tags: one-liners

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• My calculator broke again, but I'm not surprised. In fact, I was counting on it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the math text book say to the Shakespeare text book? Look, buddy, I've already got a lot of problems, and I really don't need any of your drama.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the stupidest animal in the jungle? The Polar bear.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do detained criminals contact their families? They face time

  Tags: one-liners

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• We child-proofed our home 3 years ago but they're still getting in!

  Tags: children

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• Two men walk into a bar. The third man ducks.

  Tags: misc

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• Last night a movie theater was robbed of $1000 dollars. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal and a pack of skittles.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You don't have to go faster than the bear, you just have to go faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is antarctica the smartest continent? Because only scientist live there

  Tags: one-liners

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• I had a dream last night that I had a Magnesium deficiency.. I was like 0Mg

  Tags: one-liners

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• Normal people believe that "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Engineers believe that "If it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Voldemort: So I just have to lie? Pinocchio: Yep

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend and I signed up to win a lifetime supply of skin lotion. He won and I didn't. The worst part is that he keeps rubbing it in.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If the opposite of pro is con, isn't the opposite of progress, congress?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about the scientists who crossed a porcupine with a sheep? They got an animal that knits its own sweaters.

  Tags: animal

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• What do you get when you cross Henry VIII and Vlad the Impaler? Executed.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I dropped my lava lamp into a deep hole in the ground. And now I can’t reach my magma lamp.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is Canada’s national board game? Sorry

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you fall down a bottomless pit... do you eventually die of starvation?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting between two identical twins. It was impossible to differentiate between them.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Why couldn't the candle get any sleep? Because there's no rest for the wicked.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What type of joke is the best joke? A Communist joke, because everyone gets it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I hate the misuse of Latin phrases and vice versa.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did all the prisoners at the AT&T jail escape? Because they had no bars on their cells!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Your family tree must be a cactus ... Because everyone on it is a prick.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you get a guitar player to stop playing? Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• Did you hear that you can buy iron and carbon for the price of just 1 alloy? What a steel!

  Tags: one-liners

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• To whoever has my voodoo doll, please hold its hand.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back 4 seconds

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just went to the Air & Space museum. Boy do I feel ripped off. It was just an empty room.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Scientist keep finding broom sticks all over beaches. Due to sand-witches

  Tags: one-liners

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• A pencil and a scissors are having a debate. Everytime the pencil make a good point, the scissors get a little snippy.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you get when you cross a hurricane with a cruise ship full of 1990's boy bands? Washed up musicians.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• Here's a joke for the lock pickers. A key that opens any lock is a master key but a lock that opens with any key is a masterlock

  Tags: one-liners

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• Food is like dark humor. not every one gets it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I used to be addicted to soap.... I'm clean now.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15."

  Tags: misc

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• One eye says to the other eye, "Between you and me, something smells."

  Tags: misc

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• What is the most influential culture in the world? Agriculture.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was reading a book when my 5yo cousin asked "why is that book so thick?" Then i told him "its a long story"

  Tags: one-liners

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• What kind of pants does a cave explorer wear? Stalac-tights

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football. Nobody expects the Spanish in position.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If 7-11(pharmacy) is open 24/7 then why do they have locks on their doors?

  Tags: deep-thoughts

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• Lazy people fact #4564321564. You were too lazy to read that number.

  Tags: one-liners

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• After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the evil fraction say? You will never stop my plans for world denomination.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• What do you name a tricky pig? Cunningham

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a broken can opener? A can't opener

  Tags: one-liners

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• A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia. She whispers, "They're right behind you!"

  Tags: one-liners

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• My professor told me that I’m failing my ethics class. So I slid 20 dollars across the table and said _what about now...?_

  Tags: one-liners

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• You remember those yardsticks? They don't make them any longer.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel

  Tags: one-liners

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• The NSA. A government organization that actually listens to you!

  Tags: one-liners

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• You know your are in Alaska when you go to court and they ask you where you were on the night of October to April!

  Tags: misc

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• All things are possible - except skiing through a revolving door.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you tell the difference between an electrician and an electrical engineer? Ask them to pronounce the word, "unionized".

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have a copy of nearly every Psychology Today magazine ever published. You could say I have a lot of issues.

  Tags: one-liners

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• So what if I don't know what "apocalypse" means. It's not like it's the end of the world

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the difference between a drama student and a government savings bond? The government savings bond eventually matures and earns money.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Time Flies Like an Arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Burned my Hawaiian pizza... Should have put it on aloha temperature.

  Tags: one-liners

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• There's this dyslexic guy... he walked into a bra...

  Tags: bar

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• This joke's so old, it has mold on it! HA HA HA!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Never catch snowflakes on your tongue. until all the birds have gone south for the winter!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the Stormtrooper buy an iPhone? Because he couldn't find the Droid he was looking for.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's cooler than being cool? Being 0K.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You can tell monopoly's an old game because there's a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail

  Tags: one-liners

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• Whats the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? BMWs have the pricks on the inside!

  Tags: one-liners

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• My name is David and I had my ID stolen the other day. Now they just call me Dav.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm trying computer dating, at least I'm not getting dumped... but I do get deleted.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Next year I'll give up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights... It's going to be Excel Lent

  Tags: one-liners

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