Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don't cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Had a conversation with a Miner about the effects it had on the environment. The conversation got rocky.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm taking part in a stair climbing competition. Guess I better step up my game.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

  Tags: animal

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• What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry Ive got you covered!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sometime in the future, Canada will rule the earth. And then you’ll all be sorry.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Computers will never be completely "Idiot Proof" because Idiots continue to be so resourceful.

  Tags: computers

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• A sloth walks into a bar in the afternoon. Bartender: we are closing in 5 minutes

  Tags: one-liners

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• My tennis opponent was not happy with my serve. He kept returning it.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it. It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My bed wasn't feeling well this morning, so I had to stay home to take care of it.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's a 6.9? A great thing ruined by a period.

  Tags: one-liners

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• To the person who stole my glasses. I will find you, I have contacts

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I had a nickel for every time I thought of you. I'd start thinking about you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The hotel has a live band and my favourite song is "We're going for a break now, we'll be back later".

  Tags: one-liners

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• How fast was Thor’s hammer destroyed? Hela Fast.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I dated an English teacher for a few months, but it didn't work out. She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Switzerland is a great country, with amazing views and nice people. And their flag is also great, which is a huge plus.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why does a 6 oz hamburger have less energy than a 6 oz steak? Because the hamburger is in the ground state.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I keep getting hit by the same bike, at the same time and place, day after day... It's a vicious cycle.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I saw on Wikipedia that dolphins can bake bread! [cetacean kneaded]

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• My calculator is really reliable. I can always count on it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What would you call the Fantastic Four if Snoop Dogg joined the team? The High Five

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do Clowns and moldy bread have in common? They both taste funny.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• My friend told me I don't know what irony is... Which is ironic, because we were at a bus stop.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!

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• Most people have a family tree, but I have a family cactus. Because mine is full of pricks.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Courtesy of my 6 year old - Where did fozzy bear take his dog? For a walka walka walka

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the cable say when he was bullied by another cable? "Wire you so mean!"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Somebody just threw a jar of mayonnaise at me. I was like, "What the Hellmann?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Stephen King has a son named Joe. I’m not joking, but he is!

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• What question does a pencil ponder on? 2B or not 2B

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• A scientist took a selfie while he was drinking liquid nitrogen. He was quoted as saying "It was the coolest shot I ever took"

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• What's the main use for leather in the world? Holding cows together

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have a fear of elevators but I'm taking steps to avoid it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I saw some dude trick a vegan into eating real cheese. How dairy.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?

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• why does the helicopter shave every day? He grows apache beard

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• A group of introverts is called an oxymoron. Please help me

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• What cheat code do you use to get into the Army? Left, left, left, right, left

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the difference between Leonardo Dicaprio and Sesame Street? Sesame Street has an Oscar.

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• I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail, but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Say what you want about Floyd Mayweather. He can't read it anyway

  Tags: one-liners

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• Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My boss said my math skills are average. That's just mean.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You already know the punchline. What is the worst part about time travelling jokes?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I finally understand how batteries feel. Because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why does the Norwegian military have barcodes on its ships? So when they return to the harbor they can Scandinavian.

  Tags: one-liners

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• First word in the world - Huh?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why don't Jedi Knights use the Kelvin scale? Only a Sith deals in absolutes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I put all my watches together to make a belt. It was a waist of time

  Tags: one-liners

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• Apparently, saying "Wow, you've grown since I last saw you" isn't deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Seminar "How to avoid frauds" is canceled. Tickets are non-refundable.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The reward for a job well done is more work.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• If I had 50c every time I failed a maths test... I'd have $6.30 right now

  Tags: one-liners

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• How old was the cave man on his birthday? Stone Age

  Tags: one-liners

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• Apparenly, we all come from dust and return to dust. That's why I never dust, it could be somebody I know.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm starting to think cyber security is at the same level as mall security

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• A friend told me that all apples were yellow... I was like, "that's bananas"

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'd pat my own back but my ego is too busy shaking my hand.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• The problem with being in the center of attention is that half of it is always behind your back.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sorry, I'm out of my mind at the moment, please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's a Jedi's favorite brand of vodka? Skyy. Only Sith deal in Absolut.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a depressed pair of croissants? Pain au pain.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I dressed up as a screwdriver this past Halloween. It wasn't the best costume but I still turned a lot of heads.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I saw a lizard. and it became a spotted lizard

  Tags: one-liners

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• Yesterday I decided to change my WiFi name to "Hack me if you can" and when I woke up this morning I saw the name changed to "Challenge accepted" somebody help.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A golf ball is a golf ball, no matter how you putt it.

  Tags: puns

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• Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My neighbors listen to awesome music. whether they like it or not.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I gave my friend an elephant to put in his room. He said "thanks". I said "don't mention it".

  Tags: one-liners

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• The contact lens is mans greatest invention. At least in my eyes

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a turkey that's got no feathers? Thanksgiving dinner.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, food

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• England has no kidney bank but... It does have a Liverpool

  Tags: one-liners

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• I broke one of my fingers at work today. On the other hand, everything is OK.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've just been fired from the clock making factory. after all those extra hours I put in.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it. Guess I really am. independent

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did one candle say to the other? "Don't birthdays burn you up?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What dog can jump higher than a building? Anydog, buildings can't jump!

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What do cubs fans do after they win the world series? They turn off their Xbox.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It's a whisk I was willing to take.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Here's a FedEx joke. Actually, you'll get it tomorrow

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you didn't take a selfie at the gym, were you really there?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a sad coffee? A depresso

  Tags: one-liners

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• By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it's raining in Sweden. How the hell am I supposed to know if it's raining in Sweden?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the difference between a race across Asia, and one across Europe? The one across Europe eventually ends because it has a Finnish line

  Tags: one-liners

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• I thought this guy on the subway was yawning. Turns out he was just a mute sitting on a tack.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Person of the year award has been won by a scarecrow the judges said he was outstanding in his field.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Wanted: a man has been stealing the wheels off of police cars. Officers are working tirelessly to catch him.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The doctor told his patient to stop using a Q-tip, but it went in one ear and out the other.

  Tags: one-liners, medical

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• I broke two of my dads Queen records... Now I want to break three.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have a horse named Mayo. Mayo neighs.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The name's Bond. Ionic bond. Taken, not shared.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm thinking of opening a pre-owned clock store... I'm gonna call it 'Second Hand'.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I would tell you my autumn joke but you probably wouldn't fall for it

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is a ram's favorite song on February 14th? I only have eyes for ewe, dear

  Tags: one-liners

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• If Dodge made an electric car... Would it be called a Dodge Chargeable

  Tags: one-liners

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• In a messed up family, the child named Hope is goth, and the child named Faith is atheist.

  Tags: misc

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• One day a duck walked into a drugstore and bought some lipstick. She walked up to the clerk and said, "Put it on my bill!"

  Tags: puns

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• What do you call security guards at a Samsung store? Guardians of the Galaxy.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate the headphone jack.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you tell the difference between an English major, a Math major, and a programmer? Ask them what "!" is

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• A truck full of wigs has just tipped over.Police are now combing the area.

  Tags: police-jokes

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• I'm so hungry I could eat my watch. But that would be time consuming

  Tags: one-liners

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• My name is David and I had my ID stolen the other day. Now they just call me Dav.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Look, if crying doesn't solve the problem, then maybe I'm just not the person you should be asking.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When he proposed to her. She found it very engaging.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

  Tags: one-liners

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• And The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life" ...but John came in fifth and won a toaster.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you know that 18 out of 10 people don't understand fractions?

  Tags: misc

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• I asked my magic 8-ball which email client to use. It told me... Outlook not so good.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Apparently they're removing the essay section from the SAT. Now it's just going to be called the T.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A man walks into a bank wearing a mask. Everyone freaks out. “Relax” he says, “I’m just here to rob the place”

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why doesn't the glue inside the bottle dry?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Student: I'll never be good at geography. Geography teacher: Not with that latitude!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do The Brit’s still use ‘u’ in words like “colour” and “armour”? Because Rick Astley is British.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you know that it’s wrong to breed eels with eagles? It’s eel-eagle.

  Tags: one-liners

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• New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendar.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear that you can buy iron and carbon for the price of just 1 alloy? What a steel!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was setting a voice recognition password for my new phone and a nearby dog barked and ran away. Now I am still looking for the dog to unlock my phone.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, programming

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• Which country has the fastest growing capitol? Ireland. It's Dublin every year.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm giving up spreadsheets for forty days. Excellent.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friends and I started a business where we weigh tiny items. It's a small scale operation

  Tags: one-liners

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• Officer, if you are what you eat... Then I'm an innocent man.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you know they have Knight Rider in the GDR? It's a Trabant with a pocket calculator!

  Tags: misc

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• Finally got around to watching Back To The Future... It's about time.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are Pokemon considered manly in Peru? It all dates back to the time of Macho-Pikachu

  Tags: one-liners

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• We should've known about the failure of communism. In retrospect, there were a lot of red flags...

  Tags: one-liners

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• You know the times have changed... When Portugal leaves Brazil without taking any Gold.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Electricity is dangerous. Shocking, ain't it?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I play in the low 80's. If it is hotter than that, I won't play.

  Tags: sports

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• The NSA. A government organization that actually listens to you!

  Tags: one-liners

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• The minus button is missing from my calculator. I guess it won't make any difference.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Everything happens for a reason; unfortunately, sometimes the reason is you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank... I have no words for how angry I am.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did Adam and Eve ever have a date? No, but they had an Apple.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If every day is a gift, I'd like a receipt for Monday. I want to exchange it for another Friday.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• "When am I ever gonna use this?" Asked the student to the algebra teacher. "Well you won't, but one of the smart kids might" he replied cheerfully

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• What does "IDK" mean? I keep asking people, but they don't know either.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's it called when you apologize using dots and dashes? Remorse code

  Tags: one-liners

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• I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is a doctor always calm? Because it has a lot of patients.

  Tags: one-liners, medical

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• My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal. China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was addicted to the hokey pokey... but thankfully, I turned myself around.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My phone fell from the 20th floor, good thing it was in airplane mode.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

  Tags: puns

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• My ex-gf invited me to her wedding. Told her I was busy, will be there next time

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I wanted to get trapped in a scary maze, I'd just go into my kid's bedroom.

  Tags: one-liners

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• This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I can't believe that viruses and bacteria would just invade my body without a permission. That makes me sick

  Tags: one-liners

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• Time may fly, but does it have wings?

  Tags: puns

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• Iron Man is a very confusing character. I know he’s a guy but he could’ve been Fe Male.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a bald porcupine? Pointless.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above. It's my new year's resolution.

  Tags: one-liners

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• An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If time is money are ATM's time machines?

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• A test-tube baby has a womb with a view.

  Tags: puns

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• I'm starting an asphalt company on Abbey Road. It'll be called Ringo's Tar

  Tags: one-liners

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• Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

  Tags: animal

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• Why wasn't the vampire working? He was on his coffin break.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call someone who puts a picture of themselves in a locket? Independent

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why can't Athiests solve exponential problems? Because they don't believe in higher powers.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How come you're responsible if you do your taxes in March, but I'm crazy when I do my trick-or-treating in September?

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• I once stayed up all night trying figure out where the sun went. Then it dawned on me

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do all the Norwegian military vessels have barcodes on the bow? So upon their return, they can Scandinavian

  Tags: one-liners

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• For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My parents, age 25: "We have a mortgage, a baby and a pension plan!" Me, age 25: "It's 3am and i can't afford an uber good thing i wore my running shoes!"

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• You know there's no official training for garbage men? They just pick it up as they go along.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call it when a singer gets a chance? An opera-tunity!

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn. Now I have stable wifi

  Tags: one-liners

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• Neil Armstrong used to tell really bad jokes about walking on the Moon. When nobody laughed he would follow with, "Ah well. I guess you had to be there."

  Tags: one-liners

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• My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together. At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What kind of cigarettes do hippies smoke? Yours.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many ants are needed to fill an apartment? Ten-ants

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the turkey play drums in his band? Because he already had drumsticks!

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I’m in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn’t even know I exist. and worse... she can prove it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I know someone who faked his degree in botany. He wrote his thesis on artificial Christmas trees.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is C the only good letter in the English alphabet? Because the others are Not-Cs

  Tags: one-liners

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• My brother always lies, today he finally admitted to being a pathological liar. Yeah, like I'm falling for that

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't understand why people don't like lazy people. They didn't do anything.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Why did the broom get a poor grade in school? Because it was always sweeping during class!

  Tags: one-liners

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• If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer Joined Forces. They would become alloys

  Tags: one-liners

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• My mouth has turned into a flower bed. It has tulips.

  Tags: puns

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• How do we look at a calendar to find what date it is, when we don't know the date?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the letter O say to the letter Q? "For God's sake man, put some pants on!"

  Tags: one-liners

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• How did the chemist who failed the temperature test get? Absolute zero.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan? Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD. and found out I have Gary Busey

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I got fired from Yankee candle factory because I refused to work wick ends!

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• If it ain't broke, I haven't borrowed it yet.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Ever since I took geometry at school, my life has turned around 360 degrees.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don’t have a “dad bod.”. I have a father figure.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend refuses to believe that working with decimals is easier than working with fractions. He is missing the point.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• My math teacher called me average... How mean.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I stayed up all night trying to think of a joke. And then it dawned on me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Hey! Football team! Get off the band field!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did I divide sin by tan? Just cos.

  Tags: one-liners

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• “Can you please change my grade?”. “Of course,” Tom remarked.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sometimes waking up means the best part of your day is over!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I love throwing house warming parties. But for some reason the police keep calling it 'Arson'.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today. It's my thirty-second birthday.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn't have internet.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Did you hear about the woman who poured margaritas in her birdbath? Enough tequila mockingbird.

  Tags: puns

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• I've put something aside for a rainy day. It's an umbrella.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• What does the apple user do when he wants to customize his device? He adjusts the volume.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I miss my umbilical cord.. I grew attached to it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I didn't plan on getting a brain transplant... But then I changed my mind.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What animal has exactly 12 grams of carbon? A mole

  Tags: one-liners

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• The king of precipitation doesn't visit Earth very often. He reigns from above.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I told my friends I had a date with a really attractive girl... they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are too.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm going to this year's Fibonacci convention. It'll be as big as the last two put together.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row they told me I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the most dangerous position in chess? C4

  Tags: one-liners

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• If Cinderella had been a dairy maid she would have been called... Mozzarella!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them. I can also tell if they’re standing.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Hackers brought down my online business but I managed to keep the website address and that's domain thing.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. All he has to do is hold it in place while the world revolves around him.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How Can You Tell If a Man's a Redneck?

  If he concentrates on the bottle because it says, "from concentrate!"

  Tags: misc

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• Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.

  Tags: sports

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• Baseball is my favorite sport, because you can play it on a professional level with food in your mouth.

  Tags: one-liners, food, sports

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• I saw two kids damaging my front lawn with a network device. So I modem down.

  Tags: one-liners

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