Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• What kind of computer is the best singer? A dell

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• Is it wrong to hate a certain race? I don't mind running a 5k, but my friends want to run in a 10k and I don't like 10ks

  Tags: one-liners

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• Every single morning I get hit by the same bike. It's a vicious cycle.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've just done my part to help the environment. I unplugged 6 electric vehicles that no one was using.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great, I love being my own boss.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What do you call a snake that's 3.14 metres long? A πthon

  Tags: one-liners

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• When a man wants to believe something, it doesn't take much to convince him.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was assaulted by a man with a block of cheese. I mean, how dairy!

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Today, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid... I can't wait to see how big my puppy is now!!!!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me. It means a lot.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?New Jersey got to pick first.

  Tags: misc

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• Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours. A worst case scenario.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You play World of Warcraft AND Leage of Legends? Wow, lol.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "One man's trash is another man's treasure," is a great philosophy. But it's a lousy way to tell a kid they're adopted.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Time Flies Like an Arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two tired.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What’s better decimal jokes or integer ones? Decimal jokes. Integer jokes just don’t have any point.

  Tags: one-liners

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• For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist." I haven't worn it yet.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I threw a boomerang 6 years ago and it never came back... Now I live in constant fear.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The last time a group of New Englanders destroyed Atlanta this badly. Sherman marched to the sea

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the Pepsi executive get fired? He tested positive for Coke.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you get if you boil funnybones? A laughing stock.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My mate David was a victim of ID theft. Now we just call him Dav

  Tags: one-liners

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• If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

  Tags: misc

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• I used to be an adventurer until I went to Antarctica. Thats when things went south

  Tags: one-liners

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• My math teacher called me average... How mean.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

  Tags: misc

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• When everything is coming your way, you're on the wrong side of the freeway.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's Whitney Houstons's favourite type of co-ordination? HAND-EEEEEYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEE

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the saddest time in Brazil? Seven to one.

  Tags: one-liners

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• No matter how bad your personal situation is - alcohol is never the answer. Alcohol is the question, and "yes" is the answer.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are most prime numbers such divas? Because they literally. Can't. Even.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Whats a fedora clad, neck bearded gentlemen's favorite color? M'genta

  Tags: one-liners

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• What materials do fruits use for walkways? Pomegranate

  Tags: one-liners

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• Albert Einstein just finished his theory about space. Its about time too

  Tags: one-liners

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• Lawyers creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What was Forrest Gump's email password? 1forrest1

  Tags: one-liners

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• I got mugged by 6 dwarves . not Happy.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "Mommy, why does everyone at school pick on me?" "I've no idea, Someoneyourownsize."

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear what happened to the big game taxidermist who fell behind on his debt? His deer rear career is in arrears

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• She was only a whisky maker's daughter, but he loved her still.

  Tags: puns

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• Want to hear a word I made up? Plagiarism

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the light bulb say to the socket?I love you watts!!

  Tags: misc

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• What is the best power tool to love? A Sawzall. Because it will reciprocate.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My boss said, "Have a good day"... So I went home.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear? Sting was kidnapped! The Police still have no lead.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Doctor: “Sir, I have some bad news, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”. Me: “and?”

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why hasn't Peru adopted LED lights yet? Because they are proud of their incan descent.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm so much in debt, I can't afford to pay my electric bill... These are the darkest days of my life...

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• A man walked into a bar... and it hurt!

  Tags: misc

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• My 9 year old daughter made up this joke. "Why did the bull get fat?" Because he ate too many cowleries.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why don't salmon watch cable television? They prefer streams.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Breaking News: A movie theatre has just been robbed of over two thousand dollars. The theives took a large soda and two bags of popcorn

  Tags: one-liners

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• The bartender says "We don't serve time travelers in here." A time traveler walks into a bar.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators. I'm taking steps to avoid them.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If 666 is the evil number. Then 25.806975... is the root of all evil.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My new car has a reverse camera. It’s awesome. Since I got it, I haven’t looked back.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about the failed mission to Antarctica? Their journey went south.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the math text book say to the Shakespeare text book? Look, buddy, I've already got a lot of problems, and I really don't need any of your drama.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A pasta chef was caught stuffing the ballot boxes at a big Broadway awards show. Apparently, he was trying to rig a Tony.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The contact lens is mans greatest invention. At least in my eyes

  Tags: one-liners

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• Apparenly, we all come from dust and return to dust. That's why I never dust, it could be somebody I know.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call an Italian drug dealer in Asia? Narco Polo

  Tags: one-liners

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• If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY. That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is Green Arrow's superpower? He can turn left whenever he wants.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't trust stairs... They look like they're up to something.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the walrus feel bad about himself? Because he was untuskworthy.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Lots of people thought I was a fool for going into debt because I overspent on therapy sessions. But now I'm laughing all the way to the bank.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Then there were the three bears. One married a giraffe. The other two put him up to it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A Canadian walks into a cafe, and the barista asks, "Would you like a latte?" And the Canadian responds to him "Nah, just a bit, eh."

  Tags: one-liners

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• As I was coming back from Canada, I stopped at the border and the guy asked, "Do you have any firearms with you?" I answered, "What do you need?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have a problem with commitment. Never mind that joke is lame anyway

  Tags: one-liners

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• Officer! That guy threw sodium chloride at me! Police officer: That's a salt!

  Tags: one-liners

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• As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Here's a joke for the lock pickers. A key that opens any lock is a master key but a lock that opens with any key is a masterlock

  Tags: one-liners

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• a termite walks into a bar. And asks the waitress, is the bar tender here?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why does Karl Marx hate earl grey? Because all proper tea is theft.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where does Walmart keep the Terminator toys? Aisle B, back.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's it called when you apologize using dots and dashes? Remorse code

  Tags: one-liners

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• To the guy that invented zero... Thanks for nothing.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A person soon learns how little he knows when a child begins to ask questions.

  Tags: one-liners

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• In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How does a squid go into battle? Well armed

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: why did the man get fired from the Orange Juice factory? A: He wasn't concentrating.

  Tags: misc

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• Where do cats keep their lipstick? In their purrrs.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician! I was just sitting there doing nothing!

  Tags: one-liners

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• My account got hacked. If you get a DM about meat from me, don't click on it. It's spam

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Sometime in the future, Canada will rule the earth. And then you’ll all be sorry.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Hey, are you -273.15°C? Yeah, I'm 0K thanks.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why were all the computers in the company frozen? Because they let IT go

  Tags: one-liners

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• The Artist. I just saw a group of people who were watching an artist sketch all of them in his book. The man was good too, he really knew how to draw a crowd.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My British friend asked me, "Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?" I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."

  Tags: one-liners

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• My GF said she's leaving me because of my obsession with TV Dramas. But will she really leave me?... Find out next week!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.

  Tags: puns

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• Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them

  Tags: one-liners

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• To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you.. You have my Word.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How is a thrown dictionary similar to birds flying south for winter? They’re both flying information.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the evil fraction say? You will never stop my plans for world denomination.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Fishermen hate him—you'll never guess this one strange item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else. Click bait

  Tags: one-liners

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• I didn't want to believe my father was stealing from the transportation department. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together. At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Two FBI agents search an office and find a hard drive with "KGB" on it... One of the agents asks the other, "Why didn't they just write '1 TB' instead?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Who do you call when your pet cricket has a stomach infection? A gastro-entomologist!

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• My life is just like Rihanna's new song. Work work work work work and the rest I can't really understand!

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many american rugby fans does it take to change a lightbulb? Both of them

  Tags: one-liners

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• Always go to other peoples funerals, or they wont come to yours.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's Santa's favourite heavy metal band? Sleigher

  Tags: one-liners, music, science

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• What brand of cereal is the strongest?? Mini Wheats, because they’re shredded.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• How does Darth Vader manage to eat through that mask? He's force fed.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The government has recently issued a statement saying that 18.9 percent of all statistics are false.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "I'm sorry" and "I apologise" usually mean the same thing. ...except at a funeral

  Tags: one-liners

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• I know the day I gave up exercise. You wanna know? Check my birth certificate.

  Tags: misc

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• What do you call a boat driving in circles for a student's education? An In-Turn Ship!

  Tags: one-liners

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• As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Americans are bad at clash royale.. They lost 2 towers already smh.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the knight say to the trainee who broke the blade off his sword? You need to get a handle on that.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If a kid asks where rain comes from, I tell him, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, I tell him, "Probably because of something you did."

  Tags: misc

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• Do bakers with a sense of humor bake wry bread?

  Tags: puns

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• That's a nice ham you have there. It would be a shame if someone put an 's' at the start and an 'e' at the end...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about the baker who robbed a bank? He just burst in there, buns glazing!

  Tags: one-liners

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• You should respect people who wear glasses. They paid money to see you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Call me geometry... Because when I become difficult, guys cheat on me.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• I told my chiropractor that my spine was already in alignment, but he proved me wrong. Now I stand corrected.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is it hard to make friends in Antarctica? Because you can't break the ice.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I came out to my parents this week, I said I wanted to become a mechanic. I've already started transmissioning...

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Once the bulb goes out, they replace the house.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Diner: Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?Waiter: Look's like the backstroke sir!

  Tags: misc

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• If i got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I'd have $ 6.30 now

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't mind my geometry teacher asking me to draw a circle. But to then ask me to turn that circle into two equal parts? That's where I draw the line.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• How is the liquid inside the iPhone’s battery called? Apple juice

  Tags: one-liners

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• A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says, "five beers, please."

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's a pirate's favorite explosive? M80

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is chess so difficult for British people? Cause they just lost the queen.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant. but then I changed my mind

  Tags: one-liners

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• Said the pig to his pop, "There's the candy shop. Oh, please Let's go inside." "And I promise I won't make a kid of myself if you give me a people-back ride."

  Tags: misc

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• What do you call a Cult that is hard to get into? Difficult

  Tags: one-liners

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• Would anyone be interested in being my companion? Asking for a friend

  Tags: one-liners

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• went to a temporary tatoo parlor. it wouldn't wash off so I went back to complain but the shop was gone.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a pizza with just peppers on it? A pepperonly pizza!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls? Because he only dated mummies.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Needed: people with a lot of self control. for working at a bubble wrap factory.

  Tags: one-liners

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• It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do they call Jury Duty in Australia? Didgereedooty

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the console gamer get a headache at the art museum? Too many frames.

  Tags: one-liners

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• It's incredible how many French words are now used in the English language. There's 'Hors D'oeuvres' for starters.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "You're hitting the woods well today, pitty you can't stay out of them!"

  Tags: misc

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• At the end of the physics lecture, I asked the professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”. He said, “Sorry. There’s no time.”

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• What's heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers? A ton of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Before the surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle... It was an ether/oar situation.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I saw a stand-up comic doing jokes about botany. Nobody in the audience laughed except one guy. I looked at him and thought "you're a plant".

  Tags: one-liners

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• I set Blur’s Parklife as my alarm, and it goes off every single day of the week... Except for Wednesdays, when I’m rudely awakened by the dustman.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. I'm so sorry..

  Tags: one-liners

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• Wear tank tops and support your right to bare arms.

  Tags: puns

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• If you Google "lost mediaeval servant boy" You get "This page cannot be found".

  Tags: one-liners

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• Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law. It took half a century but Hippies finally won.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you ask Vanilla Ice's mother about his childhood... she'll tell you that he was a nice, nice baby.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do cannibals eat to freshen their breath? Men toes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why does windmills like heavy metal? Because they are a huge metal fan

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is leather armor best for sneaking? It's literally made of hide.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why didn't anyone want the free phone cables? Because they were free of charge!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you get when you cross elephant DNA with Human DNA? A lifetime ban from the zoo.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• You know your are in Alaska when you go to court and they ask you where you were on the night of October to April!

  Tags: misc

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• How many Broncos does it take to change a tire? One. Unless it's a blowout then the whole team shows up.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Woodworm strolls into a pub and asks "Is the bar tender here"?

  Tags: misc

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• I told my friends I had a date with a really attractive girl... they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are too.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s

  Tags: one-liners

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• what did the optometrist say to the tiny Australian insect? "good eye, mite"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Someone keyed the music teacher’s car. Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• There are three kinds of people in this world, those who can count, and those who can not!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Shout-out to everyone who is struggling with establishing their identity. You know who you are.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sally can't sell seashells down by the seashore anymore... She was busted for conch-traband.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend got jailed 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building. Turns out they were firefighters.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are Jedi so bad at rugby? Because there is no try.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime. It's just another day at the United States Bureau of Engraving and Printing.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is antarctica the smartest continent? Because only scientist live there

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words... Lazy

  Tags: one-liners

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• Do you know who created fractions? I think it was Henry the 1/8.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Which cheese is made backwards? Edam

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I have mixed opinions on Asia as a whole. For starters, while South Korea is absolutely lively, the rest of Asia is completely Seoulless!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Some say that the english language is hard to learn. But you can do it through tough, thorough thought though.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you ever drop a volcano rock on your foot You'll Krakatoa

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Activate your own virus... type "WIN" at the prompt.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I saw my neighbour going outside again and again to check his mailbox. When I asked why is he doing that, he replied - My computer says I have got mail.

  Tags: one-liners

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• She left him because he had a will of his own. And it wasn't made out to her!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I got to a party and the host said, “Make yourself at home”, so I got comfortable. Turns out English was not his first language, and he was asking me to leave.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Have you heard about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?? He's 0K now.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a person without a son? per

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why can’t you play basketball with a sovereign citizen? They are always traveling

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• I keep telling people gullible isn't in the dictionary. Don't believe me look it up

  Tags: one-liners

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• A pun loving old man forgot to order his tombstone before he passed away. This was a grave mistake

  Tags: one-liners

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• When everything's coming up roses, it's time to celebrate. But, when everything's coming up daisies, it's time to mourn.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Halfway to my dream of being a criminal lawyer! Now I just have to work on the lawyer part.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing yesterday.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are there so many people in Boston? They’re Mass-produced

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you know that the invention of the shovel was... Ground breaking.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Your so boring, if you threw a boomerang, it wouldn't come back to you.

  Tags: misc

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• A man went to the hospital with a sprained ankle. The doctor said, "Don't worry, you'll be walking in no time." He was. The doctor stole his car.

  Tags: medical

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• Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

  Tags: one-liners

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• what is it called when your crush has a crush on you too? Imagination.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

  Tags: family-parents

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• What kind of sunglasses does Ned Flanders wear? Oakley Dokelys

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a Communist sniper? A Marxman.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have a map of the world... its actual size.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What packs a punch in your pants? Boxers.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The NSA. A government organization that actually listens to you!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Most people have a family tree, but I have a family cactus. Because mine is full of pricks.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I told my friends I'm going on a date with a cute girl. They told me she's imaginary, but joke's on them, so are they.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If Cinderella had been a dairy maid she would have been called... Mozzarella!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Have you heard about the street performer who did his act in the middle of a hurricane? It was mime-blowing

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness' but it doesn't work.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the melon say when his lawn looked dry. Guess it's time to watermalawn.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I hate when people don’t know the difference between “you’re” and “your”.. There stupid.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's a horrible icebreaker? The titanic

  Tags: one-liners

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• My new thesaurus is terrible. It's also terrible.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My dad never really loved me as a child. I can't really blame him though ; I wasn't born until he was an adult.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Back when I played hockey, they used to call me "the Titanic." I looked pretty good until I hit the ice.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• If it weren't for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for everybody.

  Tags: puns

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• Why is the south bad at calculus? They don't know how to integrate.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• My Grandfather invented the cold air balloon. It never really took off.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are volcanoes so jolly? Whenever they hear a joke, they erupt with laughter

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• "Where do you see yourself in five years?" "I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision."

  Tags: one-liners

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• She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did Saint Patrick say when he drove all the snakes out of Ireland? "Everyone got seat belts on back there?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm trying computer dating, at least I'm not getting dumped... but I do get deleted.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend's body temperature is currently -273.15 °C. Don't worry though, he's 0K.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Offering fruit to an Australian for breakfast may not make them happy.. ..But a veggie might.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I will never date a girl who doesn’t understand algebra jokes. That’s why my x is no longer in the equation

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• The Nintendo 64 turned 18 today. Now you can legally blow the cartridges.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I decided to get tattoos of Italy and France on my chest. Now I have really sore Naples. But other than that, it turned out pretty Nice.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I saw an Elsa blanket. I didn’t get it though, the cold never really bothered me anyways.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Do you know why I don't eat at Chili's or Applebee's? Because i'm old enough to microwave my own food...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why couldn’t the beekeeper afford a GPS device? Because honey can’t buy mappiness.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football. Nobody expects the Spanish in position.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.

  Tags: one-liners

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