Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• Why are volcanoes so jolly? Whenever they hear a joke, they erupt with laughter

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• God finally answer my prayers for winning the $15 million lottery. The answer is no.

  Tags: one-liners

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• It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What kind of organization is Atheism? Non-prophet.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why does nobody like a rich stone? Because he takes everything for granite.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do you never wear two monocles at the same time? Because you'd make a spectacle of yourself.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the Calculus Teacher take the student's calculator away? He was viewing graphic material

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Hi, how much for this torture device? Sir, that's a wedding ring.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Halfway to my dream of being a criminal lawyer! Now I just have to work on the lawyer part.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

  Tags: misc

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• Back in my day we used to only have chalkboards. The new whiteboards they use are. Remarkable

  Tags: one-liners

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• Who invented the circle? Sir Cumfrence

  Tags: one-liners

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• When is it legal to trick people to go into massive debt to pay for a useless thing with no refund? When you're selling a bachelor degree in sophistry.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• The gangster's last words – "Who put that violin in my violin case?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have the heart of a lion, the eyes of an eagle. and a lifetime ban from the zoo

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the console gamer get a headache at the art museum? Too many frames.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Lawyers creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why does Waldo wear stripes? He doesn't want to be spotted

  Tags: one-liners

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• is it crazy how saying sentences backwards . . . . . .create backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Diplomacy: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

  Tags: misc

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• I had cardiac surgery in Cuba but the doctors weren’t that great. Half of my heart is in Havana

  Tags: one-liners

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• I tried to explain what integers are. It was pointless

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's it called when you apologize using dots and dashes? Remorse code

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you don't like my driving, stay out of the bus shelters!

  Tags: one-liners

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• My daughters boyfriend still doesn't know how to tie his shoes... Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't mind my geometry teacher asking me to draw a circle. But to then ask me to turn that circle into two equal parts? That's where I draw the line.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• I know the day I gave up exercise. You wanna know? Check my birth certificate.

  Tags: misc

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• How are bats like real-estate agents? It’s all echo-location location location

  Tags: one-liners

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• Some say that the english language is hard to learn. But you can do it through tough, thorough thought though.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My two friends persuaded me to dress up as prepeller blades with them. At first I wasnt sure but now I'm a huge fan.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Professionals built the Titanic. An amateur built the ark.

  Tags: one-liners

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• why does the helicopter shave every day? He grows apache beard

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the Walrus cross the road? Just for the halibut.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Just been chatting to my neighbour's teenage daughter and it turns out she's really into UFOs and aliens. Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Here's a joke for the lock pickers. A key that opens any lock is a master key but a lock that opens with any key is a masterlock

  Tags: one-liners

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• why does sour cream have an expiry date?

  Tags: deep-thoughts

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• If you ever get in a knife fight with a group of clowns. Go for the juggler

  Tags: one-liners

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• I recently had a heated debate with a mathematician about fractions. It's fair to say that our opinions were divided

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• A zen student asked his master: “Is it okay to use email?”. “Yes”, replied the master, “but with no attachments.”

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend tries to impress girls by drawing realistic pictures of a Ford F-150. He’s ....a pickup artist.

  Tags: one-liners

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• It's so rude when someone's phone goes off in class. Some of us are trying to sleep.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did Goku cross the road? Find out next time on Dragonball Z!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are clams so hard to see on the bottom of the ocean? They’re clamouflaged.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a failed Cuban space program? Castro naught.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just went to the Air & Space museum. Boy do I feel ripped off. It was just an empty room.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you'll hear Satan. Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What would you call the Fantastic Four if Snoop Dogg joined the team? The High Five

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a writer who doesn't follow the rules of sentence structure? A rebel without a clause

  Tags: one-liners

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• Argon walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve noble gases here." Argon doesn't react.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What kind of computer is the best singer? A dell

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• I asked my dad, “Why do you keep buying vinyl?”. Dad: Records are....always a sound purchase.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Real friends are those who, when you think you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why does sour cream have an Expiration date?

  Tags: misc

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• I miss my old zoology teacher: Mrs. Turtle. Unusual name for a teacher, but she tortoise well.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is Antarctica the least corrupt continent? Because it has justice

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you know... in Louisiana it is illegal to tie an alligator to a fire hydrant and leave it unattended? Really! It's true!

  Tags: animal

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• What has 6 letters, starts with 'P', and ends a sentence? Parole.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call the single grain of corn on the tree? Acorn

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a bald porcupine? Pointless.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just fired my sioux chef because I found out he lied on his resume. Turns out he's navajo.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's an advantage of being Swiss? The flag is a big plus.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A penguin walks into an airport... A TSA officer stops him and says "Penguins can't fly."

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb? Well it depends on what you mean by change.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel

  Tags: one-liners

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• "Master Yoda, are we on the right track?" "Off course, we are.."

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.

  Tags: tech

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• A Cable repairman was on my street today and he asked me what time it was. I replied "It is between 1 and 8 pm."

  Tags: one-liners

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• What animal has exactly 12 grams of carbon? A mole

  Tags: one-liners

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• The Best and Worst Things in Life.

  The best things in life are free and the worst things in life cost only $19.95.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a stallion raised by a reclusive author on whole grain wheat? A Thoreau-bred thoroughbred fed thorough bread.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Who is both a knight and a spy? Sir Veillance

  Tags: one-liners

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• Next year I'll give up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights... It's going to be Excel Lent

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Philoppe.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was going to make a joke about blunt blades... But I don't see the point.

  Tags: one-liners

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• English can be weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Said the pig to his pop, "There's the candy shop. Oh, please Let's go inside." "And I promise I won't make a kid of myself if you give me a people-back ride."

  Tags: misc

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• In Arkansas, it is illegal to say the word Arkansas incorrectly.

  Tags: misc

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• I've heard that Argentina is starting to get a little colder... In fact, it's bordering on Chile

  Tags: one-liners

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• Ebay needs to step their game up. I searched for a cigarette lighter and 15,000 matches came up.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

  Tags: crazy-jokes

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• Why can't our ears hear very high pitched sounds? Because it hertz.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Do you know why there's no gambling in Africa? Because there are too many cheetahs.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Sometimes I just tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll

  Tags: one-liners

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• After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You know what would be a hilarious prank? Make people study for 18 years and dont give them a job.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Rule #1 for learning english. Their our know rules!

  Tags: one-liners

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• For a while, the magician Houdini used a trap door for every show he did. It was..just a stage he was going through.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about the tree that made an Ash of itself?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Calculators May Be Ugly On The Outside. But Its What's On The Inside That Counts.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Russian history in 5 words: "And then things got worse."

  Tags: one-liners

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• In France, do you know why they only eat one egg at breakfast time? Because one egg is enough

  Tags: one-liners

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• antique-an item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again.

  Tags: misc

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• I got kicked out of school for playing an instrument. I got band

  Tags: one-liners

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• My dad's bread factory burnt down. Now his business is toast

  Tags: one-liners

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• How are peanut butter and jelly related? They're inbred

  Tags: one-liners

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• The cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through (spoilers) Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said "Can I have a word?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you make a trombone sound like a French Horn? Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you make holy water? You take ordinary tap water and boil the hell out of it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What happens if you steel? You have to get Alloy-er

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend's body temperature is currently -273.15 °C. Don't worry though, he's 0K.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means. What a legend.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the new name for a taxi in Oshakati? A computer. Why? It has windows, always crashes, & is driven by a thin black floppy with a virus.

  Tags: misc

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• Did you hear that in the next fast and the furious movie they’re getting rid of those long fin things on the back of the cars? Ah sorry, spoilers

  Tags: one-liners

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• In a messed up family, the child named Hope is goth, and the child named Faith is atheist.

  Tags: misc

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• I asked my friend in Greenland, what it's like living there. He told me it's so great, he's on top of the World.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the hand and the mitten get married? Because it was glove at first sight.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the scariest thing to read in braile? "Do not touch"

  Tags: one-liners

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• The king of precipitation doesn't visit Earth very often. He reigns from above.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I used to sit in front of the trombones in band. I would keep both my sheet music, as well as theirs, so I knew when to duck.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why don't we use swords anymore? Aren't they still cutting edge technology?

  Tags: one-liners

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• My daughter has a math test on Roman numerals. I told her I hope she gets a "C".

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Where does a fish deposit his checks? At the river bank

  Tags: one-liners

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• You know your church is a redneck church if baptism is referred to as Branding.

  Tags: misc

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• When you marry, your spouse's family become "in-laws." So, when you divorce, does that make them "outlaws?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the difference between a race across Asia, and one across Europe? The one across Europe eventually ends because it has a Finnish line

  Tags: one-liners

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• As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If the entire world was a stage and God was the director, what we need is a rehearsal.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? They are really good at it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What has 100 legs but can't walk? 50 pairs of pants.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where do ghosts deposit their mail? The Ghost Office!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Burned my Hawaiian pizza... Should have put it on aloha temperature.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I hate making spelling mistakes. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Have you heard about the corduroy pillows? They're making head lines.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My dad never really loved me as a child. I can't really blame him though ; I wasn't born until he was an adult.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the stupidest animal in the jungle? The Polar bear.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I called up GameStop customer support. They told me to hold.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Customer: Waiter, I’m in a hurry! Will the pancakes be long? Waiter: No sir, round.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The can was invented quite a while before the can opener.

  Tags: misc

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• I thought about joining the Navy to be on a submarine... But I changed my mind, I had a sinking feeling about that career path....

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many Dyslexics does it take to change a Lit Blub?

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• What Sound does an Australian Frog make? Croakey

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sometimes you are the dog. Sometimes you are the hydrant

  Tags: one-liners

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• Soo we’re going to the Autopsy club tonight huh? What’s happening there? It’s open Mike night!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me. Don't worry, I only suffered super fish oil injuries.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm starting an asphalt company on Abbey Road. It'll be called Ringo's Tar

  Tags: one-liners

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• Some bloke just told me he was gonna smack me with the neck of his guitar.... I said, is that a fret?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Men who walk in front of car get tired. Men who walk in back of car get exhausted.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Which side of a cheetah has the most spots? The outside.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• "You want to see a pig with three eyes?" A piiig

  Tags: one-liners

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• A dog is a man's best friend because it gives no advice, never tries to borrow money, and has no in-laws.

  Tags: animal

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• Why can't basketball players go on vacation? They aren't allowed to travel

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• If you are inventing something, the best way for it to work is to give it a job.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many vegans does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger? One if nobody's looking.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does a vegetable get in bowling? A-spare-I-guess

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wish I was poor one day in my life... Because being poor everyday sucks...

  Tags: one-liners

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• The guy at my local music shop asked me why I'm always coming in to buy new harmonicas. I told him "I blow right through them"

  Tags: one-liners

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• How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades? By shaving with them.

  Tags: one-liners

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• There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who thought they knew what the punchline would be, and those who are now searching for the original joke.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What’s your name? When did you get here? Do you want copper, bronze or tin? Justin.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Did you know that you can fit any boat on your head like a hat, if you flip it over? That makes it cap sized

  Tags: one-liners

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• You know the razor blade works... when there are no reviews for it on Amazon.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Why did the Egyptians build the pyramids? To get to the other side.

  Tags: one-liners

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• 10, 27, 28, 30, 32 walk into a bar... 10 says "I'm drinking age, I swear!" The bartender says "Outlier!"

  Tags: one-liners

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• I saw a sign that said "Falling rocks" I tried. It doesn't.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the most dangerous type of canoes? Volcanoes

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Knowledge cannot enter the head via an open mouth.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a stolen Tesla? An Edison.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sign at an office: Would the person who removed the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

  Tags: misc

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• What happened after the wheel was invented? a revolution

  Tags: one-liners

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• I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank... I have no words for how angry I am.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is Pavlov's hair so soft? Classic conditioning.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Call me geometry... Because when I become difficult, guys cheat on me.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• My survey which I conducted said that 8 out of 4 people don't understand fractions.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Can you conquer the largest continent on earth? No, but Genghis Khan!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't know why people are afraid of flying. Most crashes happen at ground level

  Tags: one-liners

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• Who is the worst spy in history? James Bond. Because everyone knows him.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.

  Tags: one-liners

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• They say you can’t get a decent job without education. But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!

  Tags: one-liners

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• For all you non-native English speakers out there... "Read" is pronounced like "lead", while "read" is pronounced like "lead".

  Tags: one-liners

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• In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

  Tags: one-liners

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• The Calbuco volcano is very hot right now... But everything around it is Chile.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• I burnt 1200 calories yesterday! Forgot to take the pizza out of the oven...

  Tags: one-liners

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• I used to be addicted to soap.... I'm clean now.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A local theater was just robbed of $286 the other day The thieves stole one large drink, a large popcorn, and a candy bar.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? Laughing stock.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What has a bottom at its top? A leg

  Tags: one-liners

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• Apparently they're removing the essay section from the SAT. Now it's just going to be called the T.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is a flat earther's least favorite flavor of gum? Spheremint

  Tags: one-liners

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• If 7-11(pharmacy) is open 24/7 then why do they have locks on their doors?

  Tags: deep-thoughts

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• How do we look at a calendar to find what date it is, when we don't know the date?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a vampire’s shoulder blade? Count Scapula

  Tags: one-liners

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• My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper. looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again

  Tags: one-liners

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• My 4 year old niece's unintentional dirty joke. Why did the fan blow itself? Because it was turned on!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Do bakers with a sense of humor bake wry bread?

  Tags: puns

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• Where does Walmart keep the Terminator toys? Aisle B, back.

  Tags: one-liners

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• This vehicle stopped on a dime. Unfortunately, the dime was in Joey's pocket

  Tags: one-liners

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• People keep telling me that I'm a condescending person. ( That means I talk down to people. )

  Tags: one-liners

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• How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

  Tags: at-work

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• What kind of music do wind turbines like? They're huge metal fans

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• I have the memory of an elephant. I saw an elephant.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I'm making a graph of my past relationships... I have an 'ex'-axis and a 'why?'-axis.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My tennis career has taught me that I can be the best basketball player ever. Nothing but net

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• What animal is 80% wool? A woolf.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Shout-out to everyone who is struggling with establishing their identity. You know who you are.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I woke up late one morning so I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water. I got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

  Tags: one-liners

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• An actual headline: Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted.

  Tags: misc

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• Popped a tire on a pot hole today. Badum tss

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3? Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!

  Tags: puns

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• Why are bacteria so bad at maths? Because they multiply by dividing.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• What's Santa's favourite heavy metal band? Sleigher

  Tags: one-liners, music, science

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• what is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? one is heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the difference between outlaws and in-laws ? Outlaws are wanted

  Tags: one-liners

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• If at first you don't succeed ... avoid skydiving.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they.... lactose.....

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I Cuold Time Travel. I would fix the title.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you get past defense? You open degate.

  Tags: one-liners

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• All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm not usually too good at jokes but um... Tiss

  Tags: one-liners

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• Actual bumper sticker on a jeep (the writing was upside down). "If you can read this, flip me over!"

  Tags: misc

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• I've started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you know they have Knight Rider in the GDR? It's a Trabant with a pocket calculator!

  Tags: misc

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• I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness' but it doesn't work.

  Tags: one-liners

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• what do you call it when a swarm of insects goes to italy? a venice fly trip

  Tags: one-liners

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• Computers will never be completely "Idiot Proof" because Idiots continue to be so resourceful.

  Tags: computers

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• What does the boss bacteria call his employees? His staph

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you get when you cross a cave with a snippy person? A sar-chasm

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: why did the man get fired from the Orange Juice factory? A: He wasn't concentrating.

  Tags: misc

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• Where do Peek-a-boo patients go? The ICU.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I keep telling people gullible isn't in the dictionary. Don't believe me look it up

  Tags: one-liners

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• When do S and C sound the same? When it's necessary.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about the cowboy who wore a hat made of paper towels? He had a bounty on his head.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've heard rumors acid is dangerous. Pretty sure they are baseless though.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Silence is golden, because you never have to explain something you didn't say.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two silk worms are in a wrestling match. It ended in a tie.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I’m tearing out pages of the dictionary. I’m up to Mischief.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no. Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A pasta chef was caught stuffing the ballot boxes at a big Broadway awards show. Apparently, he was trying to rig a Tony.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back 4 seconds

  Tags: one-liners

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• How fast was Thor’s hammer destroyed? Hela Fast.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's green and goes camping?A boy sprout!

  Tags: misc

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• Don’t date a calculus teacher. They’re gonna replace u

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• What do they call Jury Duty in Australia? Didgereedooty

  Tags: one-liners

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• A fortune teller escaped from prison and became a small medium at large.

  Tags: puns

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• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics... But graphing is where I draw the line!

  Tags: one-liners, math

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