Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• Knock Knock! Who's there? Amos. Amos who? Amosquito bit me!

  Tags: knock-knock

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• Teacher: Joey, your behavior is terrible! How many more times am I going to have to keep you in after school? Joey: 97. Teacher: 97? Joey: Yeah. That's how many days are left until the summer holidays.

  Tags: children

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• What is a kangaroo's favorite restaurant? IHOP!

  Tags: animal

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• Knock knock. Who's there? Someone too short to ring the doorbell.

  Tags: knock-knock

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• Why did the programmer always carry a pencil? They preferred to write in C#.

  Tags: classic, programming

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• Lawyers creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Four-year-old Robert tells his kindergarten teacher that he has a new baby brother, called Spot. "Spot?" says the teacher. "Are you sure it's not a puppy your Dad bought you?" Robert was adamant that his brother's name was Spot - until next morning, when he issued a correction. "Actually, it's Mark."

  Tags: children

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• Top Ten Changes at NASA to accommodate 76 year-old John Glenn's return to space aboard the shuttle "Discovery:"

  Tags: misc

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• One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.

  Tags: school

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• 1st Officer: "Guess who I pulled over in a traffic stop the other day?" 2nd Officer: "Who?" 1st Officer: "Janet Jackson!" 2nd Officer: "What she do, was she speeding?" 1st Officer: "Nah, she had one headlight out."

  Tags: police-jokes

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• "Charles the First walked and talked half an hour after his head was cut off." Make sense? It should be- "Charles the First walked and talked. Half an hour after, his head was cut off."

  Tags: misc

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• Newsboy: Extra, extra!Read all about it-two men swindled. Man:Give me one. Say, there isn't anything about two men being swindled. Newsoy: Extra, extra!Three men swindled.

  Tags: misc

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• A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.

  Tags: misc

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• What did Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented? Lil Caesars

  Tags: classic, general

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• A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old daughter ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the daughter asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The little girl thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

  Tags: children

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• What Time Do You Call This?

  A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast, and everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot. However, one citizen was shot at 9.45pm. "Why did you do that?" the soldier was asked by his superior officer. "I know where he lives," came the reply, "and he wouldn't have made it."

  Tags: misc

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• Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?" The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."

  Tags: medical

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• How many lightbulbs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 0. No lightbulbs want to torture their own kind!

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Q: What do you call a white guy surounded by indians?A: A bartender.

  Tags: misc

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• What did Spock find in the toilet? The captain's log.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call ten blondes standing in a line?A windtunnel

  Tags: misc

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• Did you hear about the two peanuts who got mugged on their walk down the street? They were assaulted

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford? A: It only takes one to change your bulb...to his. A: Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone to really screw a bulb...

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• What do you call a pile of cats? A Meowtain.

  Tags: classic, general

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• This is the worst joke ever. Give it no smiley face.

  Tags: misc

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• What goes oh oh oh? Santa walking backwards

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's black and white and red all over? A newspaper.

  Tags: misc

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• How do you steal a coat? You jacket.

  Tags: classic, general

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• What is the difference between unlawful and illegal? Unlawful is against the law. Illegal is a sick bird.

  Tags: puns

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• "The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it."

  Tags: misc

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• Q: What do you get when you cross a kangaroo and a sheep? A: A sweater with pockets

  Tags: animal

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• What do you call a Grizzly with no teeth? A gummy bear

  Tags: puns

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• How did the person take over the remote? He asked for remote CONTROLS!

  Tags: tech

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• What's the best part about TCP jokes? I get to keep telling them until you get them.

  Tags: classic, programming

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• How many blondes does it take to screw in a lighbulb? None, they just assume they've gone blind.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Q: Why do elephants paint their toes yellow? A: So they can hide upside down in the custard.

  Tags: animal

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• Q: How many giraffes will fit into a Mini? A: None. It's full of elephants.

  Tags: animal

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• Knock Knock? Who's there? Megan Megan who? Makin a list chekin it twice gonna find out who's naughty or nice.

  Tags: knock-knock

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• Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:

  Tags: school

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• It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early sir", replied the defendant. "Well that's not an crime", said the judge! "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened", answered the prisoner.

  Tags: crazy-jokes

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• Q: What type of storage units do underwater computers use? A: Trilo-bytes

  Tags: puns

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• Some common phrases that bees should know: Are you are hipbee? How comb? Hive already finished.

  Tags: puns

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• Today I picked up my mother-in-law at the airport. She's getting a little up there. She's at the age where she doesn't remember things too well. So when I saw her I said, "Thanks for coming. Have a nice flight!"

  Tags: misc

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• Aron: Throw all of your fish in the air. Jake: Why? Aron: So I can tell my mom I honestly caught them.

  Tags: children

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• I was walking around and I saw somebody selling a shirt that said this: F.B.I. Female Body Inspector

  Tags: misc

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• In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.

  Tags: misc

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• Diner: Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?Waiter: Look's like the backstroke sir!

  Tags: misc

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• A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, whom I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours." The banker said, "Yes, he certainly was trusted, and he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

  Tags: puns

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• Q: What happens when you take a Packard Bell, Windows 95, a grenade and put them together?A: A typical upgrade.

  Tags: misc

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• I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.

  Tags: tech

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• How many roaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb? You'll never know because when you turn on the light, they scatter!

  Tags: misc

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• Why does it take 3 women with PMS to change a lightbulb? BECAUSE IT JUST DOES, OK!!!!

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Joel: "How's the progress on new house that you are building Pete?" Peter: "Things are really slow at the moment." Joel: "Yeah, I guess all this rain would be putting a dampener on things..."

  Tags: puns

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• When you marry, your spouse's family become "in-laws." So, when you divorce, does that make them "outlaws?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wanted to learn how to make ice cream, so I started attending sundae school.

  Tags: puns

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• I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.

  Tags: misc

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• Two men were having a conversation. A: "My ears got burnt!" B: "How did that happen?" A: "You see, I was ironing and the phone rang and instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron." B: "So how did the second one get burnt." A: "The person called back."

  Tags: misc

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• What is red, black, has ten eyes, and crawls? I do not know but it is on your head.

  Tags: animal

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• Q: What device lets you see through a wall? A: Window

  Tags: misc

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• Q: What do men and linoleum have in common? A: Lay them right and you can walk all over them the rest of your life.

  Tags: misc

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• Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Billy: i know a person who is 35 and still in 4th grade! Eddie: Really! who? Billy: My teacher!

  Tags: children

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• Mr. Smith: "So, Mr. Jones, how's your son John?" Mr. Jones: "He's at Harvard right now." Mr. Smith: "Oh, really?! Well, congratulations! What's he studying?" Mr. Jones: "Oh, he's not studying anything. They're studying him."

  Tags: college

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• And then there was the glass-blower who got hiccups and made 764 marbles.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A licalottapus!

  Tags: animal

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• A man with two left feet walked into a shoe store and asked, " Do you have any flip-flips?"

  Tags: misc

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• Why was the baby ant afraid of his uncles? Because his uncles were all ants!

  Tags: animal

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• Why Did the Squirrel Cross the Road

  Why did the squirrel cross the road? Because it was NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  Tags: animal

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• Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach? To keep his nuts warm!

  Tags: animal

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• A dad to his son: If someone calls for me, tell him that I'm out. The son: And if he doesn't call?

  Tags: children

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• What math term tells what acorns say when they are a tree??? Geometry!! (Geo-m-e-try) (Gee I'm a tree)

  Tags: misc

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• Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans

  Tags: classic, general

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• Bad news: A man fell out of an airplane Good news: He had a parachute Bad news: The parachute didn't work Good news: There was a haystack beneath him Bad news: There was a pitchfork in the haystack Good news: He missed the pitchfork Bad news: He missed the haystack

  Tags: misc

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• If ham is Canadian bacon, then what the heck do you Canadians call bacon?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What Were You Thinking?

  What's round and hard and sticks so far out of a man's pajamas you can hang a hat on it? His head!

  Tags: misc

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• Good: You & Your wife decide not to have kids. Bad: Your wife can't find the birth control pills Ugly: You daughter borrowed them.

  Tags: misc

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• Registered users win points for submitting and voting on jokes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

  Tags: police-jokes

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• A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking. The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?" The husband replies, "Autumn."

  Tags: men

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• On the other hand you have five fingers.

  Tags: misc

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• A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold." At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute, why did you call God 'Harold'?" The little boy looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name..."

  Tags: children

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• why does sour cream have an expiry date?

  Tags: deep-thoughts

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• Can a teacher give a homeless man homework?

  Tags: deep-thoughts

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• Q: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs. A: Only one. ''Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb?''

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Knock-Knock Who's there? Orange Orange who Orange you tired of hearing the same stupid jokes about oranges?

  Tags: knock-knock

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• A couple of Yogi Berra's team mates on the Yankees ball club swear that one night the stocky catcher was horrified to see a baby toppling off the roof of a cottage across the way from him. Yogi dashed over and made a miraculous catch - but then force of habit proved too much for him. He straightened up and threw the baby to second base.

  Tags: sports

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• What did the popsicle say to the lollypop as he was leaving? So long, sucker!

  Tags: misc

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• what do you do with a dog with no legs? Take him for a spin!

  Tags: crazy-jokes

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• Money can't buy everything... but then again, neither can no money.

  Tags: one-liners

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• This little boy asked his mother one day why his father had no hair. His mother replied, "Well dear, that's because he thinks alot." Having prided herself with coming up with such a wonderful answer she heard her son say, "Gee mommy I'm sure glad you don't think 'cause you'd look funny with no hair!"

  Tags: children

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• A farmer sent his nephew a crate of chickens, but the box burst open just as the boy started to take them out.The next day he wrote his uncle, "I chased them through my neighbor's yard, but only got back eleven." The uncle wrote back: "You did all right.I only sent six."

  Tags: farmers

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• I believe in evolution and if you don't I will let you meet my relatives.... Then you'll believe me

  Tags: misc

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• It's pretty bad if you start typing "lol" as if it were a sentence (Lol.) Its worse if you start saying, "laugh out loud" in everday conversations. It's absolutely horrible if you actually say, "l-o-l."

  Tags: tech

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• A parachute used once, but has never been open!

  Tags: misc

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• When I worked in the tourist industry in Florida, we got to wear some of the buttons that were for sale. My favorite read : We love serving tourists; I like mine well done!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why couldn't the skeleton cross the road?Because he didn't have the guts.

  Tags: misc

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• This guy buys a parrot. Every morning he stands in front of the cage and asks in a pleasant voice "Can you talk?" This goes on for weeks with absolutely no response from the bird.Finally one morning, totally fed up, he shouts "CAN YOU TALK, YOU STUPID CREATURE? CAN YOU TALK?"The bird looks him in the eye and says "I can talk, all right. Can you fly?"

  Tags: animal

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• Joe: Hi Jack. How did you like horseback riding? Jack: Not that much. The problem was that the horse was too polite. Joe: Polite? Jack: Yep. When we reached the fence he let me go over first.

  Tags: animal

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• Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital? The hip Doctor!

  Tags: classic, general

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• Two guys walked into a bar... you would have thought the second one would have ducked.

  Tags: one-liners

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• In a recent review, The Weird Gamers rated popular game, Grand Theft Auto IV 3.14 out of 10. They said it was pirated.

  Tags: puns

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• What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.

  Tags: misc

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• What did the father buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? - Bison!

  Tags: animal

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• Why did the computer get sick? He left his windows open

  Tags: tech

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• Don't Give Me Food... Give Me Water

  Give me food and I will live. Give me water and I will die. What or who am I? (Scroll down) A fire

  Tags: misc

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• Did you hear the one about the Polish wolf? He chewed off three legs and was still caught in the trap.

  Tags: animal

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• What is the name for a bandaid on a pumpkin? A pumpkin patch!

  Tags: misc

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• This really happened (honest!) A man was receiving death threats from another man, so he took him to court. The judge threw the case out on the basis that "the threats obviously hadn't been carried out." Really, how stupid can you get?

  Tags: misc

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• Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

  Why did the chicken cross the road? I don't know, ask the chicken!

  Tags: animal

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• Resumes can have midleading information. This guide should help clear any confusion...

  Tags: business

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• Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "Some plants," said the teacher, "have the prefix "dog. For instance, there is the dogrose, the dogwood, the dogviolet. Now name another plant prefixed by 'dog'." "I can," shouted a little redhead from the back row, "Collieflower!"

  Tags: children

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• What's better than going to school? Having play time every day!

  Tags: misc

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• What type of saw cuts the sea? A see-saw.

  Tags: misc

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• Why did Dracula lie in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Cinfuscious says : It is nice to meet a woman in the park but is better to park meat in a woman.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness' but it doesn't work.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Three blondes walk into a forest and soon find a pair of tracks.The first blonde says: "I think they're deer tracks."The second blonde says: "No, I think they're bear tracks."The third blonde says: "You're both wrong! They're bird tracks!"Then they get hit by a train.

  Tags: blonde-jokes

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• An Irishman, a Scotsman, and an American walk into a bar. The beginning of a cheesy joke? You betcha.

  Tags: misc

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• What is the most used language in programming? Profanity.

  Tags: classic, programming

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• I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is it that every time we blow our noses, we look inside the tissue afterwards? Are we expecting something other than boogers? Or are we checking to make sure they have not run off?

  Tags: misc

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• Q:What did the blondes right leg say to her left leg?A:Nothing, They never met!

  Tags: men

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• Q: How do you sink a canadian submarine? A: You swim underneath it and knock on the door

  Tags: misc

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• Teacher: Julia, how can you say Asshole in a nicer way? Julia: As holes.

  Tags: college

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• Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• I don't believe in reincarnation, which is strange, because in a previous existence, I did.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith, the Sunday School teacher, smiling sweetly said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that I made ugly an face, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

  Tags: children

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• It was Christmas, and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "Surely that's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened."

  Tags: misc

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• What's the hardest thing about rollerblading? Telling your parents that you are gay.

  Tags: one-liners

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• One eye says to the other eye, "Between you and me, something smells."

  Tags: misc

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• Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law - A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

  Tags: animal

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• Joe: When I would wear my hand-me-downs to school, all of the boys would make fun of me. Moe: What did you do?Joe: I hit them over the head with my purse.

  Tags: misc

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• "Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor blade." "Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?" "Yeah, I shaved with the electric razor."

  Tags: children

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• Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Can you decipher this phrase? ED CROWD Over crowded: [CROWD over ED].

  Tags: animal

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• I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.

  Tags: business

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• "Well, Jonathan, what are you going to do about the excess weight you're carrying around?" the doctor asked. "I don't understand it, Doc," Jonathan replied, "I just can't seem to lose weight. I must have an overactive thyroid." "Jonathan, the tests show that your thyroid is perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "It's your fork that's overactive."

  Tags: medical

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• As is known, there is a large leper colony in Hawaii. To help ease the pain the patients have while there, a hockey rink was built to provide them entertainment. Only problem was that only one game ever got played on the rink. Within two minutes of game time, there was a face off in the corner.

  Tags: sports

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• The thing you need to focus on in your 20's is not getting a bad tattoo. You don't want to be 40 and going, "No, dude, it was different back then - everybody loved SpongeBob."

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many presidents does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They'll only promise change.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Why do pirates not know the alphabet? They always get stuck at "C".

  Tags: classic, general

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• Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off? It reads "Small medium at large."

  Tags: classic, general

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• Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

  Tags: misc

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• What did the traffic light say to the car as it passed? Don't look I'm changing!

  Tags: classic, general

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• Do doughnut shops need security systems?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

  Tags: classic, general

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• Why did the tent agree to stand up all night? He was roped into it!

  Tags: puns

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• What did the cat say to the elephant? "......................meOW!"

  Tags: one-liners

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• The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. - W. C. Fields.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the blonde jumped off the bridge? Because she thought her maxi had wings!

  Tags: blonde-jokes

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• Mary had a little lamb, And a little pony too, She put the pony in a field, And the lamb into a stew!!

  Tags: misc

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• Why does Tommy run around the school track 98 times every day? He has a run track mind.

  Tags: puns

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• The only thing truly free of charge is a dead battery.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Earlier today, I took a glimpse at the news. They were doing a report on a new recipe for twinkies. Now they will taste healthier, but still have the same amount of calories, because of course, people can taste health.

  Tags: misc

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• Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

  Tags: science, one-liner

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• How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. With all the technology that they have, its a wonder that they still use lightbulbs.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Why Didn't the Duck Cross the Road?

  Why didn't the duck cross the road? To prove he's no chicken.

  Tags: animal

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• What's green and runs round the garden? The hedge!

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one-they don't like to share the spotlight.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• What do you call a one-legged lady? Eileen!

  Tags: puns

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• What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with? A chair, a bed, and a toothbrush!

  Tags: misc

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• The Post Office briefly considered issuing stamps with Bill and Hillary's faces on them. However, test marketing verified that the customers would spit on the wrong side of the stamps.

  Tags: misc

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• Hey, wanna hear a joke? Parsing HTML with regex.

  Tags: classic, programming

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• My survey which I conducted said that 8 out of 4 people don't understand fractions.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: How does a Blonde kill a bird?A: She throws it off a cliff!

  Tags: misc

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• In the morning elephants put springs on their feet and jump around the jungle. Now the most fearsome sound to a monkey is "Boing Boing"

  Tags: animal

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• What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign Language

  Tags: classic, general

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• What do you get when you mix cigarettes in hot water? A soggy butt.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A drunken guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you,Batman!?"

  Tags: misc

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• Officer: "And you still insist you're innocent, in spite of the fact that we have six witnesses to the crime ?" Offender: "If it's witnesses you want, I can produce seventy people who didn't see me steal the stuff."

  Tags: misc

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• Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

  Tags: misc

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• Join the Marines: Visit exotic places, meet interesting people and then kill them.

  Tags: misc

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• Two carrots are walking down the street one day when a car suddenly comes flying around the corner and runs one of them over. At the hospital, the doctor says to the other carrot, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is your friend is going to live. The bad news is he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

  Tags: puns

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• It has been determined. The most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position. The husband sits and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead.

  Tags: misc

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• Golfer: Notice any improvement since last year?Caddy: Polished your clubs, didn't you?Golfer: The doctor says I can't play golf.Caddy: Oh, he's played with you, too, huh?Golfer: "Caddy, why didn't you see where that ball went?"Caddy: "Well, it doesn't usually go anywhere, Mrs. Smith. You caught me off-guard."

  Tags: sports

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• How many paranoids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? What exactly do you mean by that?

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

  Tags: misc

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• Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a group of Jew baritones and sopranos singing? Soap opera.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS: "I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."

  Tags: at-work

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• The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (to do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know It costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane? Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"

  Tags: misc

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• How does the barber cut the moon's hair? E-clipse it

  Tags: puns

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• Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offense. "You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty days' pay," said the officer. "All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."

  Tags: misc

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• 2,500 left handers die each year using products designed for right handers. Most people hear better with their right ear. Animals that lay eggs don't have belly buttons. Honey bees are the only insects that create a form of food for humans.

  Tags: misc

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• Roses are red Violets are blue I'm schizophrenic And so am I!

  Tags: medical

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• What you humans call 'THE APOCALYPSE', I used to call Sunday Dinner! - Archangel, Gabriel

  Tags: one-liners

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• The road by my house was in bad condition. Every day, I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning. Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. Where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words, "Rough Road."

  Tags: misc

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• Did you hear about the woman who poured margaritas in her birdbath? Enough tequila mockingbird.

  Tags: puns

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• Just before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was abuzz as Mother Turkey scolded the younger birds. "You turkeys are always into mischief," she gobbled. "If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd turn over in his gravy."

  Tags: animal

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• Did you ever notice...?

  Did you ever notice that a lot of people will do just about anything to get attention? Like putting jokes up on a website! P.S I love Wocka.

  Tags: one-liners

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• On clothes: do not iron while wearing. On a baby carriage: do not fold while in use.

  Tags: misc

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• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a monkey in a mine field? A babooooom!

  Tags: classic, general

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• Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

  Why did the chicken cross the road? To go to the other side! Why did the Mexican Chicken cross the Border? To get to the U.S.

  Tags: animal

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• Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn? A: Where's pop corn?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. (''That's all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...'')

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• An actual headline: "Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers"

  Tags: misc

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• How do the chinese get their names? Their parents kick a can down the street... ching chang chung bing....

  Tags: misc

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• El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries. A freighter bound for Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in a particularly violent storm and sank 65 times.

  Tags: puns

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• How Does Sherlock Sneeze?

  Brad: Chad, how does Sherlock Holmes sneeze? Chad: A clue ! A clue!

  Tags: misc

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• Did you hear about the bread factory burning down? They say the business is toast.

  Tags: classic, general

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• How many elves does it take to change a light bulb? Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to give him a boost.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• There were 3 tomatoes. A momma tomato, a papa tomato, and a baby tomato. The baby tomato started to fall behind and the papa tomato called over to him and said, "Ketchup!"

  Tags: puns

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• Knock Knock Who's there Z Z who? Z taxi is leaving! I don't speak Italian or French or anything of your so-called "Special" Language!*Slams door*

  Tags: knock-knock

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• Q: How many elephants will fit into a Mini? A: Four: Two in the front, two in the back.

  Tags: animal

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• An actual headline: "Include Your Children When Baking Cookies"

  Tags: misc

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• While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign . . ."Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass.Caution: Do not step on exhaust."

  Tags: misc

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• A timid little man in a restaurant carefully touched the arm of a man putting on an overcoat. "Excuse me," he said, "but do you happen to be Mr. Smith?""No, I'm not!" the man answered impatiently. "Oh. . . er. . . well," stammered the first man, "you see, I am, and that's his overcoat you're putting on. "

  Tags: misc

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• "I started a new band called The Chimes" "What kind of band?" "Acapella Ska" "What do you play?" "Drums"

  Tags: misc

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• Overall, I'd say my career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are there no phone books in China? Because there are so many Wing's and Wong's, they are afraid you will Wing the Wong number.

  Tags: puns

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• Knock Knock ! Who's there ? Bless ! Bless who ? I didn't sneeze !

  Tags: knock-knock

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• So I said to the taxi driver, "King Arthur's Close." He said, "Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights." - Tommy Cooper.

  Tags: puns

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• Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat. The first kid said, "My dad is so scared that, when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed." "Oh, yeah? That's nothing," said the second kid. "My dad is so scared that, when my mom has to work the night shift, he goes next door to sleep with Mrs. Jones!"

  Tags: children

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• A lovely young lady named Kim Went down to the river to swim A man in a punt Stuck an oar in her eye And now she has to wear glasses.

  Tags: misc

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• Former Vice President Dan Quayle says that if you take out the profanity, the TV show "The Osbounes" is about good family values. You take out the profanity, and "The Osbournes" is about 30 seconds long.

  Tags: misc

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• Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun." answered the other detective. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" asked the first detective. "I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan!"

  Tags: puns

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• Little Johnny: "Hey, Daddy, Spot just ate Mom's apple pie that was on the counter to cool off!" Dad: "Don't worry, son. We'll get you a new dog."

  Tags: children

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• Why did the kid cross the playground? To get to the other slide.

  Tags: classic, general

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• ok, If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the Jags, and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers known as Bucs, what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

  Tags: sports

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• It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course there's shipping and handling, too.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.

  Tags: classic, general

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• Why was the little pointy-eared boy down in the dumps? He had low elf-esteem. Why does Santa Claus come down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty

  Tags: classic, general

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• What is represented by this? EGASSAM Back massage!

  Tags: misc

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• Two maggots were playing billiards. One says, "I'm bored." The other replies, "Beats fishing."

  Tags: animal

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• Q. What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a computer? A. A lot of Bytes!!!

  Tags: tech

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• How do you keep a Rhino from charging? Take away its credit card.

  Tags: animal

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• Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Billions and billions.

  Tags: light-bulbs

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• Why is the letter E like London? Because it is the Capital of England

  Tags: misc

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• What's the difference between the Library of Congress and the House of Representatives? In the Library of Congress you're not allowed to lick the pages!

  Tags: puns

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• Why would a guitarist become a good programmer? He's adept at riffing in C#.

  Tags: classic, programming

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• A blind guy, a deaf guy, and an armless guy were in a cave. All of a sudden, a blind guy said he heard something, the deaf guy said he saw something, and the armless guy said "Let's kick his ass!"

  Tags: misc

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• We rated with RSAC i, TM Safe Surf Rated.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

  Tags: crazy-jokes

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