Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• Why are monks so good at protesting? The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday? It's already run out of battery.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said "WHERE"?

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant. but then I changed my mind

  Tags: one-liners

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• My grandfather always said, "Be envied, not envious." I wish I'd thought of that quote.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was really doubtful that the scoliosis surgery would work... But now I stand corrected

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account? They were prime mates

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where did the frugal judge sent the criminal? To the pennytentiary.

  Tags: one-liners

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• So apparently RSVP'ing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• What dog can jump higher than a building? Anydog, buildings can't jump!

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• I never ask my kids to call me, I just change the Netflix password and then don't respond to their texts.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Bob The Builder has emigrated and set up a new business on a French Mediterranean island... Can he fix it? Corsican!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will use 3 times a year

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where does a dog go when he loses his tail? a retail store

  Tags: one-liners

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• Just watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10, I'd give it a 3.14

  Tags: one-liners

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• Dad puts the car in reverse, looks in the rearview mirror and says... "Ah, that takes me back."

  Tags: one-liners

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• To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you.. You have my Word.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The Russian Navy has announced that it's commissioning glass-bottom warships. ...so they can keep an eye on the Russian Air Force.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call six weeks of rain in Scotland? Summer!

  Tags: one-liners

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• A lion and a cheetah had a race. The lion said you are a "cheetah" and the cheetah said you are "lion."

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Why isn't there a tax on stuff I DON'T like?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm 95% vegan now... Basically, I'm vegan all the time. Except when I'm eating

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• I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

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• Engineers have successfully made a car that can run on parsley. They are now attempting to make trains that can run on thyme...

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• I didn't like my haircut at first. But it's growing on me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I really admire people who keep going despite being in a lot of debt. They really deserve a lot of credit

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• I bought a book titled "How To Scam People Online" about three months ago... It still hasn't arrived.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus? An immediate cessation of funding and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• There were three men at a bar. One of them ducked and the other two fell down because they hit the bar.

  Tags: bar

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• Now that I'm older, I realize that my imaginary friend was really nothing more than an imaginary acquaintance.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The human soul weighs 1.2lbs. I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into my job.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• A cop just knocked on my door and said that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes...

  Tags: one-liners

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• The reward for a job well done is more work.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I love throwing house warming parties. But for some reason the police keep calling it 'Arson'.

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• Student: Are well and actually both one syllable words. Teacher: Well yes , but actually no

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• I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the Internet was a thing. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters, and they didn't know either

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• LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

  Tags: one-liners

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• My life has been all downhill ever since that one day when I emerged from my mother's womb.

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• How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler!

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• So I bought a miniature airbus and hung it on display in my living room, but nobody seems to notice it. It's a little plane.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The one item you need is always in short supply.

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• Why don't escaped convicts make good writers? Because they never finish their sentences

  Tags: one-liners

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• The difference between true love and dinosaurs: We're sure that dinosaurs once existed on this earth.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Video game are cool because they let you experience fantasies. For example, in the Sims, you have a job and a house

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm ready to start a family, in the sense that I have enough chip clips for 6 people.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• "Doctor, Every time I drink coffee I get pain in my eye." "Take the spoon out of your cup."

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Police just knocked on my door and said my dog is chasing a kid on his bike. What a liar, my dog doesn't even have a bike.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Everyone has a friend who laughs funnier than he jokes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch. Ouch

  Tags: one-liners

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• why does sour cream have an expiry date?

  Tags: deep-thoughts

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• I hate Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Don't be irreplaceable - if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I was watching Jurassic park the other day.. . when I thought "not only does my son have a really stupid name, he ́s also a terrible driver"

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• Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

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• To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Best Summer Vacation Book Never Written: "Where to Stay on Vacation" by Moe Tell.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I bought a stunning house in the Arctic recently. Gives me chills everytime I step into it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Welcome to plastic surgery anonymous. I'm seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week and I have to say i'm really disappointed.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sure boss, I'd love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I'll only go to elementary school reunions because those people didn't start to hate me until we were in high school.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Alcohol is not always the answer but it’s worth a shot.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend got jailed 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building. Turns out they were firefighters.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was going to share a vegetable joke but it's corny.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• What is black and red? An ape going down a hill!

  Tags: animal

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• It's officially New Year's Eve, you only have a couple of hours to do all the things you will resolve not to do in the new year.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I once stayed up all night trying figure out where the sun went. Then it dawned on me

  Tags: one-liners

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• GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. We should split up. ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call Cupid’s arrow when he upgrades to a crossbow? A lover’s quarrel

  Tags: one-liners

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• If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then lefties are the only ones in their right mind.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the most poular Christmas carol in the desert? Oh caaamel ye faithful.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What's the difference between a seal and a sealion? An extra electron

  Tags: one-liners

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• What happens if someone steals uranium? It becomes theiranium

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was watching a really good documentary about Quantum physics the other day. But I decided to stop watching in case I affected the outcome

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• “Queue” sounds like “q” followed by 4 silent letters, but... They’re just waiting their turn.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was at a climbing center the other day, but someone had stolen all the grips from the wall; honestly, you couldn't make it up.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• If you ever feel lonely... just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies. After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where do grains of wheat sleep? In a breadroom

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on. This one was written in London.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning. I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday. I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

  Tags: crazy-jokes

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• Always go to other peoples funerals, or they wont come to yours.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremely slow motion.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I don't always tell dad jokes. But when I do, he laughs

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts. Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where does a polar bear keep his money? In a snowbank!

  Tags: one-liners, animal, money

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• Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said: ‘dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’

  Tags: one-liners

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• I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10am... I'm not really a mourning person.

  Tags: one-liners

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• No matter how kind you are. German children are kinder

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• You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a snobby criminal walking down the steps? A condescending con descending.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are Jedi so bad at rugby? Because there is no try.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• How do you get a champagne cork back in the bottle? I don't know, ask a Falcons fan

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are spiders great tennis players? Cause they have great topspin.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, sports

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• Homework... something you go to school hours for and not do.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why would the military use acid? To neutralize the enemy base.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have a horse named Mayo. Mayo neighs.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My dad's bread factory burnt down. Now his business is toast

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you comfort an English teacher? There, their, they're.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

  Tags: one-liners

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• A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I changed my password to "incorrect", so anytime I forget and enter the wrong thing, the computer tells me what it is.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What did baby corn say to mommy corn? Where's popcorn?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the M&M go to school? Because he really wanted to be a Smartie!

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend David lost his ID the other day. Now we just call him dav

  Tags: one-liners

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• Can You Understand Binary?

  There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who can do binary and those who can't.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why can't the bank keep a secret? It has too many tellers!

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• I told my mom "Make me" She said "I'm not going to make the same mistake twice"

  Tags: one-liners

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• I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to figure out it was just a Fanta sea.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I bring you breakfast in bed, just say, "Thanks." Not "Who are you?" and "How did you get in my apartment?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why. He said "inflation"

  Tags: one-liners

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• So...the past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is the south bad at calculus? They don't know how to integrate.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Password looks at itself in the mirror: "Don't listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password."

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• There's this dyslexic guy... he walked into a bra...

  Tags: bar

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• Student: I'll never be good at geography. Geography teacher: Not with that latitude!

  Tags: one-liners

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• An idea came to the mind, and now she's searching for the brain.

  Tags: one-liners

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• As I was coming back from Canada, I stopped at the border and the guy asked, "Do you have any firearms with you?" I answered, "What do you need?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you're not will lead to a sweet reward.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student? Because education pays off in the long run!

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Why did the coffee lose the lawsuit? Because it had no legal grounds

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• What do you call a boat driving in circles for a student's education? An In-Turn Ship!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't want you to feel like you can't express yourself, but I do want you to stop talking.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Software architects should never design high security fences. They’re likely to make them highly scalable.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How is a thrown dictionary similar to birds flying south for winter? They’re both flying information.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The only thing truly free of charge is a dead battery.

  Tags: one-liners

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• All of the heroes of Overwatch have natural hair colors... Because heroes never dye.

  Tags: one-liners

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• By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• There's nothing I've learned from being a father that I couldn't just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him. But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• X-axis + Y-axis + Z-axis + time = 4 dimensions.

  Tags: misc

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• There's no reason to be tailgating me when I'm doing 50 in a 35 and those flashing lights on your car look stupid.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'll be doing a book signing today at Barnes & Noble from 2pm until they kick me out for writing in random books.

  Tags: one-liners

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• An atom loses an electron... It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I can sympathize with batteries. I never get included in anything either.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My math teacher called me average... How mean.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I woke up late one morning so I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water. I got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about the accident at the army base? A jeep ran over a box of popcorn & killed 2 colonels

  Tags: military

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• The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uhh...

  Tags: one-liners

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• alarm clock, n. a device for waking up people who don't have small children

  Tags: misc

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• When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you do if you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

  Tags: animal

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• Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you... You have my word

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was going to make a joke about blunt blades... But I don't see the point.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because it couldn't get a date.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's a golfers' favorite type of music? Swing.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I dropped my lava lamp into a deep hole in the ground. And now I can’t reach my magma lamp.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did one autumn leaf say to another? I'm falling for you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I tried to escape the Apple store. I couldn't because there were no Windows.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• My Sister was crying so I asked her if she was having a cry-sis.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What part of a football ground is never the same? The changing rooms.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

  Tags: puns

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• The creator of winrar is arrested. His trial is expected to last forever

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back 4 seconds

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've often heard that "icy" is the easiest word to spell. Looking at it now, I see why

  Tags: one-liners

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• If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Communist jokes are not funny... unless everyone gets them

  Tags: one-liners

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• I forgot the Roman numerals for 51, 6, and 500. I am LIVID.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's Autocorrect's blood type? typo negative

  Tags: one-liners

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• Our conscience is clear- we don't use it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I searched google for "how to start a large fire" 52,000 matches

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call an airship made up of lights? An LED Zeppelin

  Tags: one-liners

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• How does an elephant climb a tree? It stands on an acorn and waits for it to grow.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• When I was young, I was afraid of the dark. Now when I get my electric bill, I am afraid of the light.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Don't you just love whiteboards? They're remarkable.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What happens when you mix human DNA with goat DNA? You get kicked out of the petting zoo.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Like I said before, I never repeat myself.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you get if you boil funnybones? A laughing stock.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Back in my day we used to only have chalkboards. The new whiteboards they use are. Remarkable

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!

  Tags: one-liners

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• When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!

  Tags: puns

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• A cop stops a motorist. "Sir, you were playing a trombone while driving. Do you know how dangerous that is?!" "No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll fake it."

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's a pirate's favorite letter? Ye'd think it was R, but his first love be the C.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is it so difficult to differentiate a decimal and whole number for you? Because you never get the point.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• What did the tectonic plate say to the other tectonic plate when he bumped into the him? Sorry, my fault.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My five year plan? I don't even have a five minute plan.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a Cult that is hard to get into? Difficult

  Tags: one-liners

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• I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I would like to put on record my appreciation for the guys who play the triangle in orchestras. Thanks for every ting.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don't dress nice for him anymore.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• What weighs less than the color blue? Light blue

  Tags: one-liners

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• I didn't lose my mind, I just let it wander and it never came back. I miss it so much.

  Tags: one-liners

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• eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 18,061 matches

  Tags: one-liners

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• If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• If every day is a gift, I'd like a receipt for Monday. I want to exchange it for another Friday.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What is the new name for a taxi in Oshakati? A computer. Why? It has windows, always crashes, & is driven by a thin black floppy with a virus.

  Tags: misc

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• Why did God create Adam before he created Eve? So no one would tell him how to make Adam.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Yesterday I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full" I thought, "I can't turn that down"

  Tags: one-liners

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• A fool and his money are soon partying.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call recycled calculus jokes? Derivative humor.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Newton: I've discovered calculus(1664). Leibneiz: I've discovered calculus(1670s) Newton: Really? Seems derivative.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Don't join the new TESCO dating service, my mate did and he ended up with a bag for life.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My life is just like Rihanna's new song. Work work work work work and the rest I can't really understand!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a snowman in July? A puddle.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I could never cheat in a relationship... Because that would require two people to find me attractive.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are pills white? Because they work.

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• My friend and I signed up to win a lifetime supply of skin lotion. He won and I didn't. The worst part is that he keeps rubbing it in.

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• What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

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• Albert Einstein just finished his theory about space. Its about time too

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• Robin: The batmobile won't start. Batman: Check the battery. Robin: What's a tery

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• The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

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• Haven't worn a bra in 4 days.... I love being a man

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• I was going to buy an invisible sword... But I don't see the point.

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• Have you heard my unemployment joke? Yeah, it needs a little work.

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• I can see six years into the future. I must have 2020 vision.

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• A piece of fruit held up a bank and stole some money. It was a strobbery.

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• When I noticed "HI" in the alphabet I thought I had made a new friend? But then I saw the next two letters.

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• My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

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• Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4 years old raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.

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• I've calculated the name for the next Fast Furious movie... Fast 10: Your Seatbelts

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• Sorry I'm late. I was trying to think of ways to get out of this.

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• My local hockey rink just reported their Zamboni driver has gone missing... They hope he resurfaces soon.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Every single morning I get hit by the same bike. It's a vicious cycle.

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• I recently lost my job at NASA Mission Control... I misheard when someone said "It's lunch time", and sent a rocket up with nobody in it.

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• Why does Waldo wear stripes? He doesn't want to be spotted

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• How do you measure the quality of a dadjoke? With a sighsmograph

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• What does German cereal say when it sees the milk in the morning? Gluten-tag

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I had a detention for only using uppercase letters today. Stupid capital punishment

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• Why are there no cats on Mars? Curiosity.

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• You can never enjoy a game of Chess against an Australian. Everytime he checks, you'll think he's won the game.

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• What did the hungry missile say? When is launch at?

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• You know the times have changed... When Portugal leaves Brazil without taking any Gold.

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• Global warming is a joke. Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

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• Why do birds fly south in the Fall? Because it's too far to walk.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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