Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• If a fly can fly, can an elephant elephant?

  Tags: animal

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• what did the optometrist say to the tiny Australian insect? "good eye, mite"

  Tags: one-liners

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• I love the smell of my F5 key... It's just so refreshing!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can't helium then you curium and you barium.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I gave up Thai boxing because I felt the Thais were getting fed up being put in boxes.

  Tags: puns

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• If Cinderella had been a dairy maid she would have been called... Mozzarella!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I poured my root beer into a square cup. Now I've just got beer.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm making a graph of my past relationships... I have an 'ex'-axis and a 'why?'-axis.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How does a coat steal something? They jacket

  Tags: one-liners

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• I always take life with a grain of salt... Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I put a new freezer next to the refrigerator, now they're just chilling.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did one candle say to the other? "Don't birthdays burn you up?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• What kind of pants does a cave explorer wear? Stalac-tights

  Tags: one-liners

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• SpongeBob may be the main character in the show... ..but Patrick is the star.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a toxic work environment? A staff infection

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was reading through the dictionary the other day I couldn't believe what I found. Nothing starts with N.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Homework... something you go to school hours for and not do.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "Hello everyone, welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous." "I see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

  Tags: one-liners

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• I made a belt out of watches once... It was a complete waist of time.

  Tags: one-liners

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• “How much to buy a singing ensemble!?” I asked the clerk. Puzzled, he questioned, "You mean a choir?" “Fine! How much to acquire a singing ensemble!?”

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have an imaginary friend, but he keeps making fun of me. He keeps saying, “At least I have a real friend.”

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is lipstick losing market share in the makeup industry? Because we live in a mask era.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "Could you take a couple steps back. I have a nut allergy."

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• McDonald's tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed. Hopefully, they learned from their McSteaks.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it's an anagram of 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I hate calculus... I sometime wonder why I thought I should SINE up for this.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• I got kicked out of school for playing an instrument. I got band

  Tags: one-liners

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• Went to quite a few stores to find the best prices for herbs... I think it was thyme well spent.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• My 4 year old niece's unintentional dirty joke. Why did the fan blow itself? Because it was turned on!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did Montenegro’s internet domain say when it broke up from Yugoslavia? It’s not .yu it’s .me

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are Astronauts always so calm? There's no pressure in space.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What cheat code do you use to get into the Army? Left, left, left, right, left

  Tags: one-liners

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• My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week. My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don’t trust my shadow. He’s a shady guy

  Tags: one-liners

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• I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, "Well, this changes everything"

  Tags: one-liners

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• A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil? A: Because it's pointless!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I asked my dad, “Why do you keep buying vinyl?”. Dad: Records are....always a sound purchase.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I drive way too fast to worry about my cholesterol.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't want to be a millionaire. I just want to have enough money to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• I've been told I'm condescending. (that means I talk down to people)

  Tags: one-liners

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• If a lawyer can be disbarred can a musician be denoted or a model deposed?

  Tags: puns

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• I would tell you my autumn joke but you probably wouldn't fall for it

  Tags: one-liners

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• Fun fact: "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound. . . At least, I'm pretty sure that's correct.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A man lost his luggage so he took the airline company to court. Apparently he lost his case

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb? Who wants to know?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What will fall on the lawn first? An autumn leaf or a Christmas catalog?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I can't wait for Valentine's Day because I get to make cupcakes for a special someone and that special someone is me.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I’m broke, sad and a disappointment to my parents. But at least I’m not in debt. That’s the one thing I’m given credit for

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• My dad used to say "Always fight fire with fire." Probably explains why he was thrown out of the Fire Service.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a monk with a philosophy degree? A deep friar.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

  Tags: one-liners, medical

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• If I ever go to prison, I’m gonna change my name to mitochondria... I want everyone to know I’m the powerhouse of the cell.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Scientists finally found out, how much sleep humans exactly need: just five more minutes

  Tags: one-liners

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• My diet always starts on a Monday morning and ends at the donuts somebody brings into the office later that morning.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have the heart of a lion, the eyes of an eagle. and a lifetime ban from the zoo

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where does a polar bear keep his money? In a snowbank!

  Tags: one-liners, animal, money

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• I wanted to be an astronaut but my parents told me the sky was the limit.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety. ...before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything

  Tags: one-liners

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• Do it tomorrow. You have made enough mistakes for today.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I asked my mother where I have been born when she told me in a hospital. I responded: "Mom was I ill?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• Everyone has a photographic memory, some don't have film.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A man with authority walks into a bar... Orders everyone a round

  Tags: one-liners

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• I can't play loud music on any instrument. It's just not my forte.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My password is the last 16 digits of Pi.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now. New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey

  Tags: one-liners

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• Neil Armstrong used to tell really bad jokes about walking on the Moon. When nobody laughed he would follow with, "Ah well. I guess you had to be there."

  Tags: one-liners

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• When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

  Tags: crazy-jokes

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• How do we know that soccer referees are happy? Because they whistle while they work.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, sports

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• What did Wendy do when Captain Hook frightened her? Peter Pans

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm an adult. I don't cry over spilt milk unless it has coffee in it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Whats a fedora clad, neck bearded gentlemen's favorite color? M'genta

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I had a nickel for every time I thought of you. I'd start thinking about you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was addicted to the hokey pokey... but thankfully, I turned myself around.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do they have braille on drive-thru ATMs?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's a nice ghoul like you doing in a crypt like this?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.

  Tags: misc

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• What do you call a Belgian businessman? An Antwerp-eneur!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q. Why were photographs so depressing before digital cameras were invented? A. Because they spent too much time processing the negatives.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm proud that I got 40% on my Latin exam. After all, you should always XL.

  Tags: one-liners

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• As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today. I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!

  Tags: one-liners

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• “Officer, how did the hackers manage to get away?”. “I have no idea. They just ransomware.”

  Tags: one-liners

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• Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Wanted: a man has been stealing the wheels off of police cars. Officers are working tirelessly to catch him.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm so introverted I won't even talk to myself.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The other day I went to a zoo, but the only animal there was a dog. It was a shihtzu.

  Tags: puns

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• Humor can be dissected, as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I bought a little bag of air today... The company that made it was kind enough to put some potato chips in it as well.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?

  Tags: one-liners

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• No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When is a retiree's bedtime? Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you get when you cross a cave with a snippy person? A sar-chasm

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why does sour cream have an Expiration date?

  Tags: misc

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• What do you call a broken can opener? A can't opener

  Tags: one-liners

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• The gangster's last words – "Who put that violin in my violin case?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are bacteria so bad at maths? Because they multiply by dividing.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow -- even during a hurricane! -- here is a valuable tip: Your life is in trouble.

  Tags: sports

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• What’s a fireplace’s best feature? Dat ash.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school? His heart wasn't in it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sometimes people with a lot of cents have little sense.

  Tags: puns

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• I wonder where my brother is, his lunch is getting all cold ... ... ... and eaten..

  Tags: one-liners

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• Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him. But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Liquor probably won't fix your problems... but it's worth a shot.

  Tags: one-liners

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• In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees. I know, because I kept a log.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was watching a really good documentary about Quantum physics the other day. But I decided to stop watching in case I affected the outcome

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• I spy with my little eye nothing because I only have two normal-sized eyes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.

  Tags: one-liners

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• So the iPhone 7 gets arrested... He puts on his earpods and smugly declares "sorry, you can't charge me while I'm using my headphones".

  Tags: one-liners

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• You know your church is a redneck church if baptism is referred to as Branding.

  Tags: misc

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• I once dated a mime. I hope I left her with a good impression.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• I can't decide which room not to clean first.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".

  Tags: misc

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• So I met a vegan. I'd finish the joke, but she's still talking.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do they have bar codes on the returning Swedish fleet? So they can Scandinavian.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The best part about working in an office is that if you ever forget that you got a haircut, someone will definitely point it out to you.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I come from a family of failed magicians. I have 2 half sisters

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the best part about Valentine's Day? The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.

  Tags: one-liners, food, money

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• What do you call someone who steals a glacier? An iceberglar

  Tags: one-liners

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• The Nintendo 64 turned 18 today. Now you can legally blow the cartridges.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why can't proctologists get out of debt? They're always in arrears.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discovered fire.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? Laughing stock.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My kid says he came up with this one: A guy goes to interview for IKEA... The manager says “Welcome! Come in and make a seat.”

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why couldn’t the sailor play cards? Because the captain was standing on the deck

  Tags: one-liners

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• Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I dropped my lava lamp into a deep hole in the ground. And now I can’t reach my magma lamp.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just read through six pages in a dictionary. I learnt next to nothing.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive... They would eventually find me attractive.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday, I beat the raining champion.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday. My boss said, “Clean our your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”

  Tags: one-liners

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• I made a mistake at the grocery store. I went to get 6 Sprites. Accidentally picked 7up

  Tags: one-liners

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• Today is your birthday, so congratulate yourself, especially if you're still young enough to remember it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don't dress nice for him anymore.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Purple is my favorite color! I like it more than blue and red combined.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend said, “I really need to go home and feed my baby hamsters.”. Me: That’s a terrible diet for a baby.

  Tags: one-liners

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• It may be illegal to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say? I'm a whisk taker

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call it when Arnold Schwarzenegger remembers the lyrics to Africa? Toto recall

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is a lacrosse players favorite type of car? A dodge!

  Tags: one-liners, animal, sports

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• I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you sneak up on celery? You stalk it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the volleyball player cross the road? There are players on the other side.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• What kind of sunglasses does Ned Flanders wear? Oakley Dokelys

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does a guy with 2 right feet wear to the beach? Flop-Flops

  Tags: one-liners

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• I didn't want to believe my father was stealing from the transportation department. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My dad’s answer to everything is alcohol... He doesn’t drink, it’s just that he’s really bad at crossword puzzles...

  Tags: one-liners

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• When someone asks me if I'm seeing anyone, I automatically assume they're talking about a psychiatrist.

  Tags: one-liners, medical

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• I had cardiac surgery in Cuba but the doctors weren’t that great. Half of my heart is in Havana

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do they call them "apartments" when they're so close together?

  Tags: misc

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• IRS... we've got what it takes, to take what you've got

  Tags: one-liners

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• What happens if you steel? You have to get Alloy-er

  Tags: one-liners

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• Dinosaur Fact. Towards the end of the Jurassic period, the Thesaurus was the first Dinosaur to become extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I've learned anything in life, it's that not enough people are at a loss for words.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call someone with no body and just a nose ? Nobody knows

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is C the only good letter in the English alphabet? Because the others are Not-Cs

  Tags: one-liners

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• Every day two million Americans play tennis and one million of them lose.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• "Tired" isn't even a temporary state for me anymore it's more like a part of my personality at this point.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two clowns are eating a cannibal. The first clown says to the second "I think we're doing this joke wrong".

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What's is the difference between ignorance and negligence? I don't know and I don't care.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was recently asked to name two structures that contain water. I responded "Well, dam"

  Tags: one-liners

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• If your father is a poor man, it's your fate. But, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't just like Australian cars. I'm beholden to them

  Tags: one-liners

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• My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing... Probably because it's a Dell

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Why was Cinderella such a bad field hockey player? Her coach was a pumpkin.

  Tags: one-liners, food, sports

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• The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you're not will lead to a sweet reward.

  Tags: one-liners

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• why does the helicopter shave every day? He grows apache beard

  Tags: one-liners

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• Whatever you do always give 100 %. Unless you are donating blood.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze pilots say to his students? Watch closely. I’m only going to do this once.

  Tags: one-liners

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• There’s a virus that makes us forget 80s music. It may be spreading. No one knows the Cure

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• What's the fastest liquid on earth? Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If I don’t perfect Human Cloning I won’t be able to live with myself

  Tags: one-liners

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• Wow, that was embarrassing. I opened my fridge and saw my salad dressing.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Back in my day, we didn't watch TV while we ate dinner. We actually talked to each other. It was awful.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I once tried to make a square but I ended up with an octagon. That’s what happens when you cut corners

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat? Banned from the zoo.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Always go to other peoples funerals, or they wont come to yours.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You can never enjoy a game of Chess against an Australian. Everytime he checks, you'll think he's won the game.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Diplomacy: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

  Tags: misc

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• Why can't fishermen be generous? Because their business makes them sell fish!

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Q. What's the best kind of triangle to ask out on a date? A. Acute Triangle

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• How are bats like real-estate agents? It’s all echo-location location location

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wonder who came up with the company People's Gas and where was their Pepto-Bismal?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where do sick boats go to get healthy? To the dock!

  Tags: one-liners, medical

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• Tomorrow: The best labor saving device of today.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sadly, I've lost 20% of my sight. Sigh

  Tags: one-liners

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• Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Police just knocked on my door and said my dog is chasing a kid on his bike. What a liar, my dog doesn't even have a bike.

  Tags: one-liners

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• why does sour cream have an expiry date?

  Tags: deep-thoughts

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• Be nice to your kids, they'll choose your nursing home.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's a pirate's least favorite letter? Dear sir, we are writing to inform you that you have violated the copyright agreement..

  Tags: one-liners

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• My car mechanic called me and said, “You can pick up your car by 5 p.m.”. I said, “I don’t think I’ll be strong enough by then.”

  Tags: one-liners

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• My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume, she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• This is not what adulthood looked like in the brochure.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you tell the difference between an English major, a Math major, and a programmer? Ask them what "!" is

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• My neighboor rang my doorbell at 5 am.. Luckily I was already up, playing drums.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Can you make a sentence containing the words defense, defeat and detail? When a horse jumps over defense, defeat goes before detail

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are 490 Romans funny? Because XD

  Tags: one-liners

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• It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails. But when it happens no one is shocked.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A sloth walks into a bar in the afternoon. Bartender: we are closing in 5 minutes

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where do you find a birthday present for a cat? In a cat-alogue!

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

  Tags: animal

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• A hard thing about a business is minding your own.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Why don't Jedi Knights use the Kelvin scale? Only a Sith deals in absolutes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I tried for years to snap my thumb and finger together - and suddenly it clicked!

  Tags: puns

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• For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist." I haven't worn it yet.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's a pirate's favorite letter? Ye'd think it was R, but his first love be the C.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That's my kid telling a story.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What kind of music do wind turbines like? They're huge metal fans

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• Teacher: You have the same mistakes as the person next to you, how could that happen? Me: We have the same teacher.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How is the liquid inside the iPhone’s battery called? Apple juice

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the longest word in the Spanish language? Goooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllll

  Tags: one-liners

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• does anyone know any good sword-fighting puns? I'm trying to think of words that have a duel meaning.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Today I ended a long term relationship. I don't really care though, it wasn't mine.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? are they afraid someone will clean them?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat. She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "Raccoons"? Oh, you mean garbage pandas?

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Don't be irreplaceable - if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What if there were no hypothetical situations?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call an Australian visiting England on vacation? Returning to the scene of the crime.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Just paid $350 on a limo, but found out it didn't include a driver. All that money with nothing to chauffeur it

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the tree install solar panels? It wanted to be a power plant.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My uncle is very superstitious. He won't work any week that has a Friday in it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is Mr. T's favorite month? April, fools

  Tags: one-liners

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• Just got back from a job interview, where I was asked if can perform under pressure. I said I wasn't too sure about that but I do a wicked Bohemian Rhapsody.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Grocery store flowers on Valentine's Day: show someone you care slightly more than not at all.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm having an introvert party and you're all not invited.

  Tags: one-liners

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