Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• My job is secure. No one else wants it.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

  Permalink

• I dreamed I drowned in an ocean made of orange soda. When I woke I realized it was just a Fanta sea.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete? She wanted to see the task manager.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What do you call an elephant chasing a cat? Depends on what his name is.....

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• There's this dyslexic guy... he walked into a bra...

  Tags: bar

  Permalink

• Hey girl, are you my Physics examination paper? Because I can stare at you for 3 hours and not understand a single thing

  Tags: one-liners, science

  Permalink

• The last time a group of New Englanders destroyed Atlanta this badly. Sherman marched to the sea

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What is Will Smith's favorite type of forensic evidence? Fresh prints.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Two clowns are eating a cannibal. The first clown says to the second "I think we're doing this joke wrong".

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

  Permalink

• Woodworm strolls into a pub and asks "Is the bar tender here"?

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• I don't always listen to heavy metal, but when I do so do the neighbors.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• A pencil and a scissors are having a debate. Everytime the pencil make a good point, the scissors get a little snippy.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What monster plays the most April Fool's jokes? Prankenstein!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• The slogan for Canada Dry should be "I hope you feel better."

  Tags: one-liners, food

  Permalink

• How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb? Who wants to know?

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• i really like the name saturn. it has a nice ring to it

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night. Oof

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Let me make this simple, I want to be invited but I don't want to go.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Is everything expensive or I'm just poor?

  Tags: one-liners, money

  Permalink

• Don't tell me I don't know the difference between right & wrong. Wrong is the fun one.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why doesn't Michael Jackson drink coffee? Because he prefers "Tea-hee!"

  Tags: one-liners, food

  Permalink

• My phone fell from the 20th floor, good thing it was in airplane mode.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Just trying to give my kids a few childhood memories they don't have to repress...

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• The last four letters in "queue" are not silent. They're just waiting their turn

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Becoming a parent is great. It's a beautiful and rewarding experience. It's almost as good as not becoming one.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• My bank has a new feature where they'll text you your bank balance. I think it's pretty cool. I just don't think they should end the text with "LOL", though.

  Tags: one-liners, money

  Permalink

• If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

  Tags: family-parents

  Permalink

• What's a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What type of exam does the vampire teacher give his students? A blood test.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• The wife ran into the house, screaming to her actor husband, "Darling, come quick. Your kids and my kids are beating up on our kids!"

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What does a hockey player and a magician have in common? Both do hat tricks!

  Tags: one-liners, sports

  Permalink

• Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• One of the greatest labor-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I changed my password everywhere to "incorrect". That way when I forget it, it always reminds me, "Your password is incorrect".

  Tags: one-liners, programming

  Permalink

• What did the Star Wars fan ask to the car dealer? "Can I buy the Rogue one please?"

  Tags: one-liners, money

  Permalink

• What is the one type of person that will never get angry? A nomad.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What's the stupidest animal in the jungle? The Polar bear.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• The World is $7 trillion in debt.... Just exactly which planet do we owe it to?

  Tags: one-liners, money

  Permalink

• Why is the Australian emergency line is“000”? Because it’ll look the same when your phone is upside down.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• It may be illegal to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say? I'm a whisk taker

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my sat nav said, "In 400 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out."

  Tags: one-liners, programming

  Permalink

• How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic? You take the pizza delivery sign off

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I just gave my cat some 7UP. Now he's got 16 lives.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• "Yoda, are we supposed to be here?" "Off course we are."

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Grandpa joke: What becomes shorter when you add 2 letters? Short

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Real friends are those who, when you think you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What packs a punch in your pants? Boxers.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they.... lactose.....

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why was Cinderella banned from playing sports? Because she always ran away from the ball.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

  Permalink

• I failed my final exam on Greek mythology. It's always been my Achilles elbow

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song. giving us time to change the song.

  Tags: one-liners, music

  Permalink

• When you have two choices and you take one away, you have zero choices.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I told my boss 3 companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my present job. He asked which 3 were interested. I said the gas, electric and cable.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it's shell... It only made it more sluggish.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• My teacher frowned at me when I handed in my trigonometry test paper. I don't think that's a good sine

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Easiest way to win a debate is to have a sharp sword at the ready. Everybody will agree you have a good point

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What do you call a broken can opener? A can't opener

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• My friend asked me if the new Star Wars was in 3D and I said, yes, but they R2D2.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France; otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing my down. My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• You know the times have changed... When Portugal leaves Brazil without taking any Gold.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I get most of my daily exercise from shrugging.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

  Permalink

• Where does Dracula keep his valuables? In a blood bank.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why is the word abbreviation so long?

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why did the robot go on summer vacation? He needed to recharge his batteries.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

  Permalink

• You know that you're a really boring person when someone steals your identity and then tries to give it back.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility. If only they could see me now!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• How come people are willing to get up off their butts to search the whole room for the remote, because they refuse to get up and change channels manually?

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Everybody laughed at me when I said I was going to be a standup comedian. They're not laughing now.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I was once taught that nothing rhymes with silver... But to this day, I still don’t think they sound the same.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What kind kind of triangle is a tortilla chip? An i-salsa-les triangle

  Tags: one-liners, math

  Permalink

• Apple really is the most futuristic company out there. They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered an amazing fact about icebergs... More below.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• My friend has been a limo driver for 20 years and has never had a customer. All this time and nothing to Chauffeur it.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• The artist thought his favourite paint had been stolen, but it was just a pigment of his imagination.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

  Permalink

• A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

  Permalink

• How do you milk sheep? Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1000 for it.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• If you win three games of Twister in a row you're automatically a yoga instructor.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

  Permalink

• I'd tell a joke about claustrophobic people, but it might be to tight for you.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I have this weird talent where I can identify what's inside a wrapped present. It's a gift.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Whatever you do always give 100 %. Unless you are donating blood.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What did the math book say to the psychologist? "Would you like to hear my problems?"

  Tags: one-liners, medical

  Permalink

• How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. But the light bulb has to want to change.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• If breaks are meant to be slow... then why do they call it "breakfast"?

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• How do you tickle a rich girl? Say “Gucci Gucci Gucci!”

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• An actual headline: "Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers"

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• I was putting mustard on my sandwich and I had that strange feeling I had already done that. I was experiencing De'-Jonvu!

  Tags: one-liners, food

  Permalink

• What did everyone do after the Super Bowl was over? Watch the second half.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What do they call Jury Duty in Australia? Didgereedooty

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys this year? It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• i think the story of Noah's life was a bit boring. But it did have a nice arc

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• This fibonacci joke. is as bad as the last two you heard combined

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• There's no reason to be tailgating me when I'm doing 50 in a 35 and those flashing lights on your car look stupid.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What weighs less than the color blue? Light blue

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? Because it might crack up!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• How do detained criminals contact their families? They face time

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What is the saddest time in Brazil? Seven to one.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron. Which is ironic.

  Tags: one-liners, science

  Permalink

• I have the memory of an elephant. I saw an elephant.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

  Permalink

• Why do librarians hate tennis? Too much racket.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

  Permalink

• I went to the library to check out a medical book on abdominal pain. but when I got it home, I found that someone had ripped out the appendix.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• So I bought a miniature airbus and hung it on display in my living room, but nobody seems to notice it. It's a little plane.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• a graphic designer, an astrophysicist, a dentist and an electrician walk into a bar. it was queen and they were playing their first gig

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• We all know that six is afraid of seven because seven ate nine, but why did seven eat nine? Because you're supposed to eat three squared meals per day.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why is it so easy to track Santa on Christmas Eve? Because he always accepts cookies.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I was walking past a building site when the guy hammering the roof called me a "paranoid little weirdo" In morse code

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you.. You have my Word.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Politics comes from the root "poli-", which means many, and "-tics", which means, blood-sucking creatures.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why didn't the bike go to the car show? Because he was two tired.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Next year I'll give up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights... It's going to be Excel Lent

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• In the movie 'The Hunt for Red October' ... the entire story is the sub-plot.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet... But I can only walk so fast.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Did you hear about what happened to the really offensive joke about cows? [remooved]

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• A penguin walks into an airport... A TSA officer stops him and says "Penguins can't fly."

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Here's a FedEx joke. Actually, you'll get it tomorrow

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Sorry I didn't text you back, but my phone recognized your number.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• My life is just like Rihanna's new song. Work work work work work and the rest I can't really understand!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• My dad used to say "Always fight fire with fire." Probably explains why he was thrown out of the Fire Service.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

  Permalink

• I would tell a swimming joke, but I think it's too watered-down to be funny.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

  Permalink

• I'm here for whatever you need me to do from the couch.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

  Permalink

• My friend says he has the body of a Greek god... I had to explain to him that Buddha wasn't Greek.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Call me geometry... Because when I become difficult, guys cheat on me.

  Tags: one-liners, math

  Permalink

• I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it’s just beer.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Did you hear about the athlete who wore two jackets when she painted the house? The instructions on the can said: "Put on two coats."

  Tags: one-liners, sports

  Permalink

• What do you call a sad coffee? A depresso

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I asked my father how many a couple is. He said, “Two or three.”. Which might explain why his marriage failed.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What kind of environment do hobbits live in? A hobbitat

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I once dated a mime. I hope I left her with a good impression.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

  Permalink

• Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch. Ouch

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why were all the computers in the company frozen? Because they let IT go

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• The swordfish has no natural predators to fear from .except the penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• "The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it."

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday, I beat the raining champion.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?

  Tags: heaven-and-hell

  Permalink

• 19 and 20 got in a fight. 21.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I once worked as a salesman and was very independent; I took orders from no one.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

  Permalink

• A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water. Schwepped her off her feet.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why can't basketball players go on vacation? They aren't allowed to travel

  Tags: one-liners, sports

  Permalink

• What do you get if you add up all the seconds of your life? A lot of food you probably didn’t need to eat.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I am busy contemplating my future. Don't worry, this will only take a minute.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What is Asia's favourite sitcom? Everybody loves Ramen.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN... They become VERY ANGRY.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I've just been fired from the clock making factory. after all those extra hours I put in.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Can a salmon be contained? No, but a tuna can.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• 10 Ways to cut down on clickbait! Well, that wasn't one of them.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• When I asked if you'd like to go out on a date sometime, I meant with me.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Apparenly, we all come from dust and return to dust. That's why I never dust, it could be somebody I know.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I can't stand those stupid people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn". Stupid firemen.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I forgot my coffee this morning so I'm gonna drive on the rumble strips along the side of the road all the way to work just to be safe.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

  Permalink

• If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there's no real difference between me and George Clooney.

  Tags: one-liners, money

  Permalink

• What do you call an unpredictable camera? A loose Canon

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I don't just like Australian cars. I'm beholden to them

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Orion's Belt is a waist of space. Bad pun, I know. 3 stars at best.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I left my partner for a calculator. I needed someone I could count on

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I just checked my account balance at the ATM. It printed me a coupon for ramen noodles

  Tags: one-liners, money

  Permalink

• A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

  Permalink

• How can you differentiate male ants from female ants? They're all female, otherwise they'd be called uncles

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine? To stop his coffin.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What was the barristas favourite part about being arrested? The mug shots.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

  Permalink

• When I awoke from the accident and they told me my fingers were broken... it was hard to grasp.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail, but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• The device will work much better, if you turn it on.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

  Permalink

• Most people are shocked when they find out how incompetent I am as an electrician.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• 6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8 ,9 but why did 7 eat 9? Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What pronouns should you use with a chocolate bar? Her/she

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• We all know where the Big Apple is... But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Danger is my middle name. but Safety first.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What do you call it when Arnold Schwarzenegger remembers the lyrics to Africa? Toto recall

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in... It’s currently half empty...

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why don't aliens visit our solar system? Terrible ratings. One star.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• A hard thing about a business is minding your own.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• The worst part about working for the department of unemployment. Is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Tried watching The Neverending Story, couldn't finish it.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• My mom kicked me out the house for tickling my little brothers feet. I knew I should’ve waited until he was born

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What do you call a depressed pair of croissants? Pain au pain.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why did the snowman call his dog Frost ? Because frost bites !

  Tags: one-liners, animal

  Permalink

• How do we know the earth isn't flat? If it were flat, cats would have already pushed everything off of it.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

  Permalink

• I'm not trying to boss you around just do what I say.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

  Permalink

• What did Saint Patrick say when he drove all the snakes out of Ireland? "Everyone got seat belts on back there?"

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• 'Do Not Touch' Must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• You are dust and you shall return to dust... Which is why I don't dust - it could be someone I know.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• what's a zombie's favorite cereal? Brain Flakes

  Tags: one-liners, food

  Permalink

• Children certainly brighten up a home. Who ever saw a child under 12 turn off an electric light?

  Tags: children

  Permalink

• 62% of Kentuckians pronounce their state capital "Loo-uh-vul", while 38% say "Loo-ee-ville". Unfortunately, the correct answer is Frankfort.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• [Dirty] Some more dirt was mysteriously added to my garden last night... The plot thickens

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I asked my friend a question while he was eating an orange, but all I got was a pithy response.

  Tags: one-liners, food

  Permalink

• I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

  Permalink

• What brand of cereal is the strongest?? Mini Wheats, because they’re shredded.

  Tags: one-liners, food

  Permalink

• What's the difference between america and a bottle of milk? In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What did the scientist said after mixing oxygen and magnesium? O Mg

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig? Ones a heated yam, and the other’s a yeeted ham.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• If you ever feel lonely... just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies. After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• what do you call it when a swarm of insects goes to italy? a venice fly trip

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• The Best and Worst Things in Life.

  The best things in life are free and the worst things in life cost only $19.95.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I got a sunburn on the beach yesterday whilst reading about trigonometry. ...you should see my tan lines today

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Where do Peek-a-boo patients go? The ICU.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• In Jamaica, a slice of pie costs $3.50. In the Bahamas, a slice of pie costs $5.50. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What does "reading comprehension" even mean?

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I used to sit in front of the trombones in band. I would keep both my sheet music, as well as theirs, so I knew when to duck.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Always be smarter than the inanimate object that you're working with.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What do you call your mother’s angry French sister? Your croissant

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I want my 11780 dollars. Dear Bank of America, I just want to find 11780 more dollars in my savings account.Everyone at your bank counted wrong.

  Tags: one-liners, money

  Permalink

• How do you make a small fortune from investing in Bitcoin? Start off by investing a large fortune in Bitcoin.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I bought my friend an elephant for their room. They said thank you. I said don't mention it.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• My mum tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she'd just ironed. It may sound far-fetched but it's true. I watched it all unfold.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I went into a restaurant that served 'breakfast at any time'. So, I asked for French Toast in the time of the Renaissance

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• There are three kinds of people in this world, those who can count, and those who can not!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I tried to escape the Apple store. I couldn't because there were no Windows.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

  Permalink

• Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate the headphone jack.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually, it came back to me.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

  Permalink

• What’s the difference between swine flu and bird flu? Swine Flu requires oinkment and Bird Flu requires Tweetment

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• The similarity of all the people that live is that they are alive and they are living.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Did you know that you can actually jump into a volcano? But only once.

  Tags: one-liners, science

  Permalink

• I hate jokes about prom. The punch line is always too long.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Where does a fish go to borrow money? The loan shark!

  Tags: one-liners, animal, money

  Permalink

• When ice skating, never judge a brook by its cover.

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• A baby's laugh is one of the most beautiful things a person can hear unless it's 3 a.m., and you're home alone, and you don't have any kids.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• A photon walks into a hotel and orders a room. The bellhop asks, “Can I carry your baggage to your room for you?”. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What do you call it when a singer gets a chance? An opera-tunity!

  Tags: one-liners, music

  Permalink

• Why are bacteria so bad at maths? Because they multiply by dividing.

  Tags: one-liners, math

  Permalink

• Want to hear a construction joke? I'm still working on it.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why did the boy climb up the tree with a hockey stick? Cause he wanted to join the maple leafs,

  Tags: one-liners, sports

  Permalink

• What do you call a boat full of polite football players? A good sportsman ship.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, sports

  Permalink

• I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps. But I'm slowly getting over it.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink