Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Argon walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve noble gases here." Argon doesn't react.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia. and she whispered "They're behind you."

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• “Hey Dad, who invented the haircut?”. “I don’t know, but I’m sure it was some barberian.”

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why are americans bad at DotA ? Because they cant defend their towers.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I was going to share a vegetable joke but it's corny.

  Tags: one-liners, food

  Permalink

• The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Relationship status: Autocorrect changes my girl to my grill.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• 100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses. Oh how the stables have turned

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• He always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Working on the computer is like driving a submarine. Once you open windows, the problems begin.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why can't two elephants go swimming? -They only have one pair of trunks.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• The reward for a job well done is more work.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

  Permalink

• in mexico, we don't say "I love you" cause we dont speak english.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

  Permalink

• Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

  Permalink

• How do you know when Santa's in the room? You can sense his presents.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• The best time to open a gift is the present.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I need to stop drinking so much milk. It's an udder disgrace.

  Tags: one-liners, food

  Permalink

• What do they call Jury Duty in Australia? Didgereedooty

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why don't aliens visit Earth? Bc we have 1 star rating...

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I could never figure out why I was never any good at math!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• If a short psychic broke out of jail, then you'd have a small medium at large.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of you will get this

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I bought my friend an elephant for their room. They said thank you. I said don't mention it.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? Sure, they're very scent-imental!

  Tags: one-liners, animal

  Permalink

• Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I wonder where my brother is, his lunch is getting all cold ... ... ... and eaten..

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• It's so cold outside. I saw a politican with his hands in his own pockets.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season Please don't be jealous

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What did the pirate say when he found someone? I sea you!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Having U2 as a client would be the worst. All the work is pro bono.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I like my puns like I like my sausages... the wurst ones are the best.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I work to buy a car to go to work.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

  Permalink

• They say don’t go grocery shopping while you’re hungry. But it’s been a week and I just keep getting hungrier.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• A bank is a place that will lend you money. if you can prove that you don’t need it.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why is a baseball game a good place to go on a hot day? Because there are lots of fans.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

  Permalink

• The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Peter Mayhew will be reprising his role as Chewbacca in the next Star Wars movie! They said they wanted to cast the role to a veteran rather than a wookiee.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What would you call the Fantastic Four if Snoop Dogg joined the team? The High Five

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It only took me six months, which is amazing considering the box says 2-4 years.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I spent hours trying to find what the opposite of “night” was. But, in the end, I just had to call it a day.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• They told me I had type A blood, but it was Type O.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I use my cell phone as an alarm clock. I call it Veriz'n shine..

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters? He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I just watched an Australian cooking show and the audience cheered when the chef made meringue. I was surprised...usually Australians boo meringue.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Edgar Allen Poe is about to walk into a tree and you only have enough time to say one word before he hits it. What should you say to him? Poetry!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea" Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• What kind of sunglasses does Ned Flanders wear? Oakley Dokelys

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• If you watch an Apple store get robbed, Does that make you an iWitness?

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works. He used to chew on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• A Buzzfeed writer walks into a bar... You won't BELIEVE what they asked for!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• They say you should test your fire alarm once a month... But it's costing me a fortune in houses!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• That's a nice sham you've got there. It would be a shame if somebody... added an e.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• How many ants does it take to rent a house? Ten ants

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• My son was getting super stressed learning about decimals. I guess you could say it was getting pretty tenths.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• How to avoid clickbait? Not like this

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Can you make a sentence containing the words defense, defeat and detail? When a horse jumps over defense, defeat goes before detail

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime. It's just another day at the United States Bureau of Engraving and Printing.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Watched a show where a guy used a chain link gate to sift through rocks. I found it a fence sieve...

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What will fall on the lawn first? An autumn leaf or a Christmas catalog?

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What do you call a hockey player who questions their bad life choices? Wayne Regretsky

  Tags: one-liners, sports

  Permalink

• I drive way too fast to worry about my cholesterol.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I'm not usually too good at jokes but um... Tiss

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What would two termites order at a restaurant? Table for 2

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Tomorrow is a big day for me at work. They are refilling the snack vending machine.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, food

  Permalink

• We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• My father said I would be able to consider myself successful when my bank account balance resembled a phone number. Hey. 911 is a phone number.

  Tags: one-liners, money

  Permalink

• The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body that is required on it.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• What's cooler than being cool? Being 0K.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What kind of music do wind turbines like? They're huge metal fans

  Tags: one-liners, music

  Permalink

• My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther. He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• When I was younger, I lived in a houseboat and started to date the girl next door. Unfortunately we soon drifted apart.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• When a twitter troll disappears it just means his mom changed the wifi password until his chores are done.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

  Permalink

• Q: Did you hear about the man with a broken left arm and broken left leg? A: Don't worry he's "ALRIGHT" now!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why don't Malaysian TV shows get commissioned? Because they all have terrible pilots.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Finland have just closed their borders.... Which means no one can cross the finish line.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Did you know that you can fit any boat on your head like a hat, if you flip it over? That makes it cap sized

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What did Raichu say when it saw Pikachu? Raichu

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• The contact lens is mans greatest invention. At least in my eyes

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Americans may be ignorant of other cultures... But at least we invented the hamburger

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Someone keyed the music teacher’s car. Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor

  Tags: one-liners, music

  Permalink

• I hate jokes about prom. The punch line is always too long.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Want to hear a REALLY dirty joke?

  Two white horses fell in the mud and three came out.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer may shock you.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I have this weird talent where I can identify what's inside a wrapped present. It's a gift.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out. He said he’ll be fine, he’s just going through a rough patch.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why doesn't the bike stand by itself? Because it's two tired.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Relationship Status: I'm a Rubik's Cube. Now try and figure me out.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I hate calculus... I sometime wonder why I thought I should SINE up for this.

  Tags: one-liners, math

  Permalink

• Some philosopher said “Change does not come from a place of comfort.”, but he was wrong. I’m always finding loose coins in my couch.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Four years ago, I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I don't care how funny you are, if I don't like you, I won't laugh.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What do you call a snobby criminal walking down the steps? A condescending con descending.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail, but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I just realized that I have lost my mood ring... Not sure how I feel about this...

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Do you know how to make $20B in the Tech business? Start with $44B

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What do you call a girl who stands in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I like my anxiety like I like my distancing: Social, behind a mask, and away from people.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What's the difference between america and a bottle of milk? In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won't remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I made a mistake at the grocery store. I went to get 6 Sprites. Accidentally picked 7up

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees. I know, because I kept a log.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• my great grandmother got me a ps4 for christmas. my so-so grandmother got me socks

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Today I ended a long term relationship. I don't really care though, it wasn't mine.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I like 25 letters of the alphabet. But I love u

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch. Ouch

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus? An immediate cessation of funding and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee

  Tags: one-liners, animal

  Permalink

• If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I got drunk and drew up a graph showing all of the relationships I've ever had. It had an ex axis, and a why axis.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• My friend Oscar met Leonardo DiCaprio and told him a joke. He didn't get it.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I went to a zoo and there was a baguette in a cage. The keeper said it was bread in captivity.

  Tags: one-liners, food

  Permalink

• Why don't we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

  Permalink

• The worst part about working for the department of unemployment. Is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I would hug you, but I would rather wait until I'm covered in syrup. And until you have nicer clothes on. -Toddlers

  Tags: one-liners, food

  Permalink

• If you wanted to make pickle bread, you'd have to start out with dill dough.

  Tags: one-liners, food

  Permalink

• Ma and Pa had an awful time getting married.Ma wouldn't marry Pa when he was drunk and Pa wouldn't marry Ma when he was sober.

  Tags: misc

  Permalink

• Did you hear about the eyeglasses maker who moved his shop to an island off Alaska and is now known as an optical Aleutian?

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Take my advice — I'm not using it.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What is Gepetto's favorite cereal? I know you think it's Pinnochi-o's, but it's actually Cheerios. They're whittle o's. Though I guess both woodwork.

  Tags: one-liners, food

  Permalink

• I tried for years to snap my thumb and finger together - and suddenly it clicked!

  Tags: puns

  Permalink

• I was so sad and crying when I lost my playstation 3 but unfortunately, there was nobody to console me!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• There's nothing like the joy on a kid's face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• For a while, the magician Houdini used a trap door for every show he did. It was..just a stage he was going through.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• A waiter on a ship said to a boarding lion "sir, do you want anything of the chef's special?" The lion said "nah..I'll look at the passenger list,though!"

  Tags: animal

  Permalink

• Whadda ya get when you cross an accountant with a giant jet airplane? A boring 747.

  Tags: one-liners, money

  Permalink

• To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero... Thanks for nothing.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• You can tell monopoly's an old game because there's a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I took my new car back to the dealers, complaining it only did left turns - "drive in the opposite direction then" he said.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I used to be addicted to soap.... I'm clean now.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• THIS JUST IN!!!!! Corduroy pillows are making headlines.........

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why is CoD: Infinite Warfare set in space? Because no one on earth wants to buy it.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I wish conversations were like user agreements where I could skip to the end and just agree.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• My IQ test results just came in and I'm really relieved. Thank God it's negative.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• My magnesium levels in blood have dropped down to dangerous levels!!!! 0mg!!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Sometimes when I feel lonely I buy some stocks. Its nice to have a bit of company

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is like? No sun.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

  Tags: family-parents

  Permalink

• Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a big rock.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I can't play loud music on any instrument. It's just not my forte.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• This morning my alarm went off, I thought it's sell-by date was tomorrow.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• A Windows customer said when he closes his windows, they disappear.

  Tags: tech

  Permalink

• Every time I’m having a microwave meal, I turn on the movie “The Golden Eye”. The instructions say —Pierce film before cooking.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Give a man a jacket, and he will be warm for the day. Teach a man to jacket, and he will never leave his house.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

  Permalink

• I'm not sure if I lost my camo pants or if they're just doing a really good job.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

  Permalink

• At school I graduated second to a lamp, he was too bright for me.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I think I want a job cleaning mirrors. It's just something I could really see myself doing.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? "You're too young to smoke."

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I told my friends I had a date with a really attractive girl... they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are too.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I just read that alligators can grow up to 15 feet. But I haven't seen any with more than 4.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

  Permalink

• How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

  Tags: at-work

  Permalink

• Someone said you sounded like an owl. Who?

  Tags: one-liners, animal

  Permalink

• The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

  Permalink

• What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.

  Tags: sports

  Permalink

• Recently, Today Tonight have held a survey. The results indicate that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.

  Tags: at-work

  Permalink

• Nobody was scared when the clown invasion started at the beach. ”I mean, it’s just one boat” they said. ”How bad can it be?”.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• In my community we have a neighborhood watch, It's actually more like a clock tower.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• My roommates get angry when I steal their kitchen utensils. But frankly, thats a whisk I'm willing to take.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why did the Pepsi executive get fired? He tested positive for Coke.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I recently submitted my resume to Sony. But they canceled the interview

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society's way of preparing you for your driver's license photo.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What's is the difference between ignorance and negligence? I don't know and I don't care.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Is that a mirror in your jeans? Because I can see myself in them.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What Sound does an Australian Frog make? Croakey

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• If you think patience is a virtue, try surfing the net on a 14.4k dial up connection.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

  Permalink

• What question does a pencil ponder on? 2B or not 2B

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What's the police's favorite gaming console? WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I named my son Gram. It's short for Grammar because he was supposed to be a period.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I have a phobia of over engineered buildings. It's a complex complex complex.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Tried changing my password to "14days" but it was two week

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What starts with “E” and has only one letter in it? Envelope!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I got a dog from the blacksmiths the other day... As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Lazy people fact #4564321564. You were too lazy to read that number.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why is the letter "C" afraid of the rest of the alphabet? Because all the other letters are Not-Cs

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• SpongeBob may be the main character in the show... ..but Patrick is the star.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What do you call the doctor who graduates at the bottom of the class? Doctor

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Crocodiles can grow up to 20 feet. but most have just four.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What do you call a turkey that's got no feathers? Thanksgiving dinner.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, food

  Permalink

• Why can't the bank keep a secret? It has too many tellers!

  Tags: one-liners, money

  Permalink

• What do you call security guards at a Samsung store? Guardians of the Galaxy.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake.

  Tags: one-liners, food

  Permalink

• What a do a bunch of people in Brazil speak? Portuguese. What does just one Brazilian speak? Portugoose.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What is the best evidence that Microsoft has a monopoly? Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What is a vampire's sweetheart called? His ghoul-friend.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I'll never forget the first time we met. But I'll keep trying.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• New technology uses bacteria to power a laptop. I guess you could say the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the dell

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb? Why does it have to be a group activity?

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Studies show "not jokes" are coming back and are likely to be funnier than ever. Not.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What’s the difference between a physicist and a physician? A physicist is busy before firing a catapult; the physician is busy after.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why do all the Norwegian military vessels have barcodes on the bow? So upon their return, they can Scandinavian

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What do you call six weeks of rain in Scotland? Summer!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• My first child has gone off to college and I feel a great emptiness in my life. Specifically, in my checking account.

  Tags: one-liners, money

  Permalink

• Social life? You mean my phone?

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

  Permalink

• As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What happened to the egg when he was tickled too much? He cracked up.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What did the scientist said after mixing oxygen and magnesium? O Mg

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I just went to the Air & Space museum. Boy do I feel ripped off. It was just an empty room.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy!

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I'm so hungry I could eat my watch. But that would be time consuming

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Our local cemetery is running out of spaces It’s a grave issue

  Tags: one-liners, science

  Permalink

• My friend, Ming, told me that I would look more professional if I stop wearing my funny bow tie. I responded, "But I am nothing without my comedic tie, Ming."

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• The trouble with doing nothing is that you never know when you are finished.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Why do Java programmers need glasses? Because they can't C#.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What do you call a mind reader who can't read minds? A telepathetic.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

  Permalink

• 5-year plan? I haven't even planned this sentence volcano.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• For Sale: Thick layer of dust. As seen on TV.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• Real friends are those who, when you think you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• There's a little-known, but foolproof defense against sharks. Sharks will only attack you if you're wet.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• What does the apple user do when he wants to customize his device? He adjusts the volume.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• A calendar – something that goes in one year and out the other.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• People who eat Tide Pods are idiots. The Costco brand pods are half the price. Just saying.

  Tags: one-liners

  Permalink

• If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer ...oh wait, he does.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

  Permalink

• If I had a nickel for every bread pun. I'd have a pun-per-nickel.

  Tags: one-liners, food

  Permalink