Knock Knock? Who's there? Megan Megan who? Makin a list chekin it twice gonna find out who's naughty or nice.
Tags: knock-knock
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Knock Knock? Who's there? Megan Megan who? Makin a list chekin it twice gonna find out who's naughty or nice.
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkQ: What do you get when you cross an elephant and some peanut butter? A: Either an elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth, or peanut butter that never forgets.
Tags: misc
PermalinkIt's impossible to be a participant in the march of time and not get a few blisters.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkJack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marajiuana, Jack got high and unzipped his fly and Jill said I don't wanna.
Tags: misc
Permalink1. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 2. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement. 3. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat is red, black, has ten eyes, and crawls? I do not know but it is on your head.
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat did the father buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? - Bison!
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat do you call 2 lesbians in a cupboard? A: A liquor cabinet!
Tags: puns
PermalinkHow do you get a mouse to smile? Say Cheese!
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat is black & white an red all over? A penguin holding its breath!
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat kind of shoes does a thief wear? Sneakers
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkThen there was the neat nurse, who made the patient without disturbing the bed.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkOnce I like bought a fox and I like named him Jorge and like he died and I cried so I bought shoes.
Tags: animal
PermalinkTwo politicians were carrying on a conversation in a restaurant when all of a sudden, one yelled at the other, "You're lying!".The other politician responded, "I know, but hear me out."
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? Pumpkin Pi!
Tags: puns
PermalinkQ: How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: To get to the other side.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkQ: How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in light bulbs, so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we need a Constitutional amendment. A: Only one. If he can handle 250,000,000 people a day I think he can handle screwing one extra light bulb.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkMom: Jimmy, did you pick up your room yet? JImmy: No mom, it's too heavy.
Tags: children
PermalinkWhat do you call a woman with one black eye? A fast learner.
Tags: misc
PermalinkThere are three kinds of people in this world, those who can count, and those who can not!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkBefore he left on a business trip, the father took his young son aside. "Terence, I'm trusting you to take care of the family while I'm gone. You're going to be the man of the house." Comprehending the gravity of the situation, Terence replied soberly, "In that case, I'm gonna need the remote."
Tags: children
PermalinkGood luck turns into bad luck when you call the credit card company to tell them they made a mistake on your bill..... and they agree because they didn't charge you enough. Good luck turns into bad luck when the cutest boy rings you up.... then apologies because he dialed the wrong number.
Tags: misc
PermalinkA shark is the only animal that can blink both eyes. A snail can sleep for three years. A crocodile cannot move its tongue.
Tags: misc
PermalinkPremise I: Knowledge is power. Premise II: Power corrupts. Conclusion: Therefore, knowledge corrupts.
Tags: college
PermalinkWhat do you say to Mexican with a high salary? Can I have ketchup on those fries?
Tags: misc
PermalinkAs is known, there is a large leper colony in Hawaii. To help ease the pain the patients have while there, a hockey rink was built to provide them entertainment. Only problem was that only one game ever got played on the rink. Within two minutes of game time, there was a face off in the corner.
Tags: sports
PermalinkWhen you have a fat friend, there are no seesaws, just catapults.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a drink?". The bartender replies, "For you, no charge".
Tags: bar
PermalinkCan women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTwo lawyers are leaving the office. "I can't wait to get home," says one of them. "As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's panties right off." "I know the feeling," the other says. "No, I'm serious," says the first. "They're killing me."
Tags: misc
PermalinkMiss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?" A little boy on the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"
Tags: children
PermalinkLaundromat sign: Automatic Washing Machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
Tags: misc
PermalinkA dad to his son: If someone calls for me, tell him that I'm out. The son: And if he doesn't call?
Tags: children
PermalinkMosquitos consider most people as food, but grandma's an open bar.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA dog walks into an employment agency and says "I'd like to get a job please.". The guy at the employment agency says "Wow, you could easily get a job at the circus with your talents." The dog replys "What would the circus want with a plumber?"
Tags: animal
PermalinkYou are a big animal that is big.
Tags: animal
PermalinkI was walking around in the movies with my friends and we saw this one teenager. His pants were falling down, so I said to my friends, "God, these kids nowadays! I thought a rapper died and the kid decided to put his pants half-staff!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkEveryone seems normal until you get to know them
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford? A: It only takes one to change your bulb...to his. A: Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone to really screw a bulb...
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhat do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhy are ghosts bad liars? Because you can see right through them!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhy do programmers prefer dark chocolate? Because it's bitter like their code.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkWhat kind of magic do cows believe in? MOODOO.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkChild: Mommy, why am I so skinny? Mommy: Don't worry about it, dear. When your father was born, he only weighed four pounds. Child: Really? Did he live?
Tags: children
PermalinkWhy did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkQ: How does a Blonde kill a bird?A: She throws it off a cliff!
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat is it called when an insect kills themself? Pesticide!
Tags: animal
PermalinkA pregnant woman was taking a shower and her three year old daughter said,"Mommy, you're getting fat!"And the mother replied,"That because a baby is growing in my tummy."To which the daughter said,"Yeah,but what's growing in you butt?"
Tags: children
PermalinkAny time four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe best things in life are free and the worst things in life cost only $19.95.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkYou are young and beautiful, have 2 university degrees, and are fluent in 3 languages. You have long blonde hair, long legs and a killer smile and you want to earn a salary no less than 100 000$ per year. That's nice. But we need a plumber.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat is a chicken's favorite type of joke? The human who crossed the road!!!
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat do ghosts call their true love? Their ghoul-friend
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkThe teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his new checking account. "The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store," his mother said. "Oh good," he replied, "Now I can use it to buy some stereo equipment!"
Tags: children
PermalinkQ: What is in between an 80-year-old woman's breastA: Her belly-button
Tags: women
PermalinkWhat did the wall say to the picture? How's it hangin`?
Tags: misc
PermalinkThis guy and a girl were in a golf cart and the guy drops his tees out of his pocket and the lady asks what is he doing? So, the guy says: I put my balls on them and I drive them.
Tags: sports
PermalinkWhy didn't the skeleton go to the party? He had no body to go with.
Tags: classic, one-liner
PermalinkWhy did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the butcher
Tags: animal
PermalinkMy friend works in a post office. One day, a man handed ten postcards to my friend and ask her to put them in the mailbox. She noticed that they had all been addressed but none of them contained a message, so she asked the man why the postcards nothing written on them. The man said, "I told everyone that I'd send postcards, but I didn't say I'd write a message."
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow many ears did Davy Crockett have? 3 - His right ear, his left ear, and his wild front-ear.
Tags: puns
PermalinkHow do you know if a blond has used a computer?A:if there's white out on the screen.
Tags: computers
PermalinkEver since Rhianna got dumped by her boyfriend, she put all the stuff that was his or made her remember him she put : " to the left to the left... in the box on the left..."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkBe nice to your kids, they'll choose your nursing home.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkConfucius asks: "If a train station is where the train stops, and a bus station is where the bus stops, what is a work station?"
Tags: at-work
PermalinkBefore you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAs a shepherd you herd your sheep into your barn. As you walk away you hear two wolves in the barn. What do you do? I would get the flock out of there!
Tags: at-work
PermalinkWhat movie is really the sequel to April Fools? The May-Tricks
Tags: misc
PermalinkA hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhy do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up? Because DEC 25 = OCT 31
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkThe Americans and the Russians had a car race, in which the car from America won. However, the report in the newspapers of Russia, read as follows â "In a recent motor race, the Russian car finished in second place, while the American car finished next to last." (There were only two cars involved!)
Tags: sports
PermalinkHygiene Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects? Jose: Don't bite any.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkOn the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
Tags: family-parents
PermalinkThis is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio communication between a U.S. NAVY ship and Canadian authorities off the cost of Newfoundland, October 1995. Radio log released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/95: WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Tags: military
PermalinkA young man was in the process of taking a verbal exam to join the local police force. "If you're driving a police car, alone on a country road at night, and are being chased by a group of criminals driving sixty miles an hour, what would you do?" he was asked. Without hesitation, the young man replied, "Seventy!"
Tags: at-work
PermalinkWhy doesn't the glue inside the bottle dry?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTwo weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat did the tie say to the hat? You go on a head, I'll just hang around.
Tags: puns
PermalinkGirl: "Have you ever been caught been wearing your mother's bra? Boy: "No!" Girl: "So you have worn them but not been caught?"
Tags: children
PermalinkWhat do you get when you cross a parrot and a centipede?A walkie-talkie.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat do you call two barracuda fish? A Pairacuda!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkHow many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two (think about it)
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhat kind of dog lives in a particle accelerator? A Fermilabrador Retriever.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkQ> What kind of soup do gay Chinese men like? A> Cream of sum yun guy
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkHave you ever heard of the Gay Mafia? No? If you don't pay up, they come round your house, and criticize your curtains!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhile I was sleeping my friends decided to write math equations on me. You should have seen the expression on my face when I woke up.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkA burglar entered the house of a Quaker and proceeded to rob it. The Quaker heard the noise, took his shotgun downstairs, and pointed the gun at the burglar. He then said gently, "Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am about to shoot. "
Tags: misc
PermalinkTeacher: If you found five pence in one pocket and ten pence in the other,what would you have? Willy: Somebody else's trousers.
Tags: children
PermalinkI asked a boolean if it wanted lunch. It said maybe. Now I have bigger problems.
Tags: tech, one-liner
PermalinkAn Englishman, a Scott, and a Irishman walked into a pub.Each orderd a pint of beer . Then a fly landed in each one's beer . The Englishman, turning slightly green, pushed his beer away and asked for another one .The Scott took the fly out ,shrugged, and drank his beer . The Irisman pinched the flybetween his fingers and yelled " SPIT IT OUT! "SPIT IT OUT!"
Tags: deep-thoughts
PermalinkTex: "My uncle can shoot a gun faster than any other man in the West. He can even shoot without removing the gun from his Holster." Rex: "What do they call your uncle?" Tex: "Toeless Joe."
Tags: misc
PermalinkYou know you're a good ol' boy computer operator if...
Tags: computers
PermalinkHow can you tell that the Stasi has bugged your apartment? There's a new cabinet in it.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ. What do cows do for fun? A. They go to MOO-vies!
Tags: animal
Permalink"I'm really too tired and unable to do my home work," the son protested to his father. "Now my son, hard work has never killed any one yet, at least not at your age." "Yes, but I don't want to run the risk of being the first!"
Tags: children
PermalinkQ:how can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day? A:her tampon is on her ear and she cant find her pen!
Tags: blonde-jokes
PermalinkWhen do doctors get angry? When they run out of patients.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkHow many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb??? None, they will just have there robot do it.
Tags: light-bulbs
Permalink(A continuation of Joke #7939 Idiot #9 - - - - - - A woman called the cops from her house and said, "My ex-boyfriend stole my pot!" So the police went to the ex-boyfriends house, took the marijuana, and arrested him. The same officer went to the woman's house and asked her to identify if it was her pot. She confirmed it was hers, and was taken away in the police car.
Tags: misc
PermalinkEverywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf you see a robbery at an Apple Store... Does that make you an iWitness?
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkMy neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will? What will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow many Microsoft Employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they'll just make darkness the new industry standard!
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhat sits on a window sill, hums, and dies mysteriously 91 days after you bring it home? - An air conditioner with a 90 day warranty.
Tags: misc
PermalinkAfter all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAn elephant is talking to a hippopotamus, and the elephant says, "You know, there's nothing worse than a cold in the nose." The hippo says, "Oh yeah? Did you never have chapped lips?"
Tags: animal
PermalinkA Michigan circuit judge tells about a divorce suit he handled recently."I think you might as well give your husband a divorce," he advised the wife."What!" shouted the lady."I have lived with this bum for twenty years, and now I should make him happy?"
Tags: misc
PermalinkWe child-proofed our home 3 years ago but they're still getting in!
Tags: children
PermalinkWhat did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend? She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkQ: How many a-holes does it take to change a light bulb? A: None; a-holes never see the light anyway.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhat did one snowman say to the other snow man? Do you smell carrot?
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhat are Martians favorite sweets? Mars-mallows.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you get when you cross a cheetah with a hamburger? Fast food!
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat was 50 Cent's daughter named? Penny!
Tags: puns
PermalinkA guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
Tags: crazy-jokes
PermalinkWith over %d jokes submitted and ranked by users like you, Wocka has the largest collection anywhere on the internet. All of these jokes have been submitted by user like you. Join our community and chat with your fellow commedians and jokers.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: ---- You should have hit ''n!''
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhy didn't Megan Fox run from the man-eating lion? Because she was a woman. *Told to me by a 7-year-old*
Tags: animal
PermalinkA horse walked into a bar. The barman said, "Why the long face?"
Tags: animal
PermalinkQ. Why should you be careful when it's raining cats and dogs? A. Because you might step in a poodle.
Tags: animal
PermalinkCan You Decipher This Phrase? cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat Catch 22! (22 cats).
Tags: animal
PermalinkA couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS: "I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."
Tags: at-work
PermalinkOle bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it. "Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet." "How come?" asked Lars "Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't sing."
Tags: misc
PermalinkOne night, a little boy and his father were having a conversation. The father asked the boy, "Can you say your ABC's, son?" "Yes I can! A...B..C..." and he goes through the whole alphebet. The father then said, "That's good, but can you say it backwords?" The boy smiles and says, "yeah", so he turns around and says, "A...B...C..."
Tags: children
PermalinkThe funniest bumper sticker is: Keep honking I'm reloading!
Tags: misc
PermalinkTOP 10 OLD FOLKS' PARTY GAMES1.Sag, You're It!2.Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy3.20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear4.Kick the Bucket5.Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over6.Doc, Doc Goose7.Simon Says Something Incoherent8.Hide and Go Pee9.Spin the Bottle of Mylanta10.Musical Recliners
Tags: music
PermalinkIf you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSign at an office kitchen: After the tea break, the staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the drain-board.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkPrudhomme's Law of Window Washing It's on the OTHER side.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the family room. Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence. The girl looked at her dad and said, "It was Mom." "How do you know?" "She didn't say anything."
Tags: children
PermalinkQ: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkHow do you make one disappear? Add the letter g, to make it GONE!
Tags: misc
PermalinkDid you hear the story about the cheese that saved the world? It was legend dairy.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkQ: How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg. A: Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins. A: None. Frat boys screw in puddles of vomit.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkGary: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test. Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.
Tags: college
PermalinkWhy do chicken coops have two doors? Because if it had four doors it'd be a chicken sedan.
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhy did the lightbulb fail his test? He wasnt bright enough!
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkA guy in a restaurant says to the waitress, "I want a cup of coffee without cream." The waitress comes back a few minutes later and says, "I'm sorry, but we're all out of cream. Would you mind taking your coffee without milk?"
Tags: misc
PermalinkKnock-Knock, Who's there? Alarm. Alarm who? Alarm the cops about all the partying I've been having!!
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkJoel: "How's the progress on new house that you are building Pete?" Peter: "Things are really slow at the moment." Joel: "Yeah, I guess all this rain would be putting a dampener on things..."
Tags: puns
PermalinkAn airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."
Tags: military
PermalinkQ: How many IBM engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They merely change the standard to darkness and upgrade the customers.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhat's round and hard and sticks so far out of a man's pajamas you can hang a hat on it? His head!
Tags: misc
PermalinkI almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDid you hear the one about the guy with the broken hearing aid? Neither did he.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkQ. How many acountants does it take to change a lightbulb? A. 1 at a fixed rate of 3.5% income return after purchase for every bulb replaced over a 6 year plan, with projected inflation expected to rise to over $1.25 per bulb in 2006.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkThis is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us guys find it rather funny. P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls
Tags: computers
PermalinkCathy was looking through the window of a clothes store when she spotted a pair of short-shorts. "Wow, these pants are half off!" she told her uncle. Her uncle said "They should be, they are only a half pair of pants."
Tags: misc
PermalinkIf nobody is perfect, and I'm a nobody, am I perfect?
Tags: deep-thoughts
PermalinkSpeak your mind out when you're angry. You'll make the best speech you'll ever live to regret.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI went into the kitchen, and there was a tap on the window. Not using that plumber again!
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhy did the house go to the doctor? It was having window panes.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhy do mathematicians hate the U.S.? Because it's indivisible.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkIf you're fat. can you still disapear into thin air? If you're fat, can you still have slim chances of doing something?
Tags: misc
PermalinkWe are rated with RSAC i, SafeSurf TM Rated.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDid you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkI just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkThis guy buys a parrot. Every morning he stands in front of the cage and asks in a pleasant voice "Can you talk?" This goes on for weeks with absolutely no response from the bird.Finally one morning, totally fed up, he shouts "CAN YOU TALK, YOU STUPID CREATURE? CAN YOU TALK?"The bird looks him in the eye and says "I can talk, all right. Can you fly?"
Tags: animal
PermalinkA woman in a cafe had ordered turtle soup, but changed her mind and asked for pea soup instead. She heard the waiter call, "Hold the turtle, make it pea!" At the next table, a man ordered the fish, but when the waiter brought it, he was holding the fish on the plate. When asked why he was holding it on the plate, he said he didn't want it to fall on the floor again.
Tags: misc
PermalinkKnock-Knock Who's there? Apricot. Apricot who? Apricot my key, open up!
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkThe easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkNever take advice from electrons. They are always negative.
Tags: classic, general
Permalink"Hillary's got this huge book, it's a memoir of her life and times at the White House. In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said 'I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air.' No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said." - David Letterman
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy are golf balls small and white? Because if they were big and grey they would be elephants.
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow do you steal a coat? You jacket.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkLittle four-year-old Jenny was looking at her new baby brother for the first time. He was fast asleep. After staring at her tiny, motionless baby brother for a few minutes, Jenny looked up at her mother and asked plaintively, "Didn't he come with batteries?"
Tags: children
PermalinkA wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."
Tags: at-work
PermalinkKnock knock? Who's there? Water. Water who? Water you doing?
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkHow can a person living in Minnesota be buried in Milwaukee?
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow many blondes does it take to put in a light bulb? 1000. 1 to screw in the light bulb; 1 to give the light bulb to the person who'll screw in a light bulb and 998 to find the light bulb.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkHere are two pick up lines: "Are you a Abercrombie model? Your not?!?!? You so should be!!" or "My friend (insert friend name here) thinks we should go out. Wanna?"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did the Red light say to the Green light? Don't look at me I'm changing!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkOne day, Clinton called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office.He was furious and said, "Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!""Yes Sir, Mr. President," the interior decorator replied,"I'll take those mirrors out right away!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkI wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness' but it doesn't work.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI have a machine which has four cog wheels in constant mesh. The largest cog has 72 teeth and the others have 36, 25 and 15 respectively. How many revolutions must the largest cog make before each of the cogs is back in its starting position? 25 revolutions.
Tags: misc
PermalinkTeacher: Oscar, if you had five pieces of candy, and Joey asked for one, how many would you have left? Oscar: Five.
Tags: children
PermalinkAre you a parking ticket? Cause you got fine written all over you!!!
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy don't programmers like nature? Too many bugs.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkSo, what did one Bowling pin say to the other Bowling pin? ............................ Hey, you're a knock out!
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat is represented by this? T N O R F O T Back to front!
Tags: misc
PermalinkKnock Knock ! Who's there ? Bless ! Bless who ? I didn't sneeze !
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkHere is a book never written. Extinction is Distinction by Dinah Soar
Tags: misc
PermalinkA man walks into a shop and says, "I see you don't have any fish", and the shop assistant replies, "You got it wrong - ours is a butcher: we don't have any meat. They don't have any fish in the fish shop that is across the road!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkThe Russians were called "Reds," a long while ago. So a war general named Rudolf walks into a bakery. The baker starts talking about owning a reindeer. He starts asking questions about it to the general. When the baker gets home, he tells his wife, "Rudolf the Red knows reindeer!"
Tags: puns
PermalinkQ: How many FBI agents does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'm afraid that you are not able to receive this classified information.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkThen there was the dyslexic robber who held up the bank with a gnu.
Tags: puns
PermalinkA man walks into a pet store and asks for a German shepperd. The shopkeeper, replies that it will cost him $500. The man thinks for a minute, then asks how much a beware of dog sign costs. The shopkeeper calmly replies that it costs a whopping $1.98. The man thinks for a while longer, and asks for a beware of dog sign.
Tags: animal
PermalinkHow do the chinese get their names? Their parents kick a can down the street... ching chang chung bing....
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups? Because they can't even.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkTwo men walk into a bar. The third man ducks.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: How do you know there are three elephants in your refrigerator? A: You can't close the door.
Tags: animal
PermalinkKnock-Knock Who's there? Alaska Alaska who? Alaska one more time, open the door
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkIn "The Greatest Story Ever Told", John Wayne played a centurion at the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. One of his lines was, "Truly he is the Son of God!" The director felt John W. wasn't putting enough into it, and asked him to deliver the line again, but with a little more emphasis - "to put some awe into it". "OK," says John, "Awww - truly he is the Son of God!"
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhy did the fireman wear red, white, and blue suspenders? To hold his pants up.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkMagazine Bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
Tags: children
PermalinkWhat amimal walks with its feet on its head? a flea.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat do you call the planters guy beating up fruit spread? Peanut battering jelly.
Tags: puns
PermalinkA mother complained to a doctor about her daughter's strange eating habits. "All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?" "Don't worry," said the doctor. "Eventually, she'll rise and shine.
Tags: puns
PermalinkAccording to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight. The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign. The vibration stopped immediately. A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.
Tags: misc
PermalinkA man was lost for hours when he suddenly came up to a house. The man knocked on the door and asks to enter. The woman who owns the house asked, "Who is it?" The man answered, "I and I King Silassi I Jah Rasta Fari." The lady replied, "Go away, there are too many of you for me to let you in."
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkWhy was Johnny's math book sad? It had too many problems!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDid you hear about the runner who was criticized? He just took it in stride
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWays To Annnoy Your Roommate Become a mime. Nothing is more annoying than a mime. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks." Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat do u call, a hippopotamus that dances? A hiphopanominus
Tags: children
PermalinkA psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, "I heard you died." "But you see I'm alive ," smiled the friend."Impossible," said the psychiatrist, "the man who told me is much more reliable than you."
Tags: misc
PermalinkIf someone says, "A penny for your thoughts,", and you give them your two cents worth, what happens to the other penny?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkYoung Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going "To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right..."
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkQ.Where do tough chickens come from? A.Hard boiled eggs!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHelen Waite is our credit manager. If you want credit, go to Helen Waite.
Tags: puns
PermalinkHow many mathematicians does it take to replace a lightbulb? Pi. 3 screw exactly a radius's length, and the last about-one-seventh screws it in all the way!
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhat do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe? Roberto
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkAn elderly couple was attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do? He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
Tags: at-work
PermalinkWhat is represented by this? heart heart heart Heart-to-heart!
Tags: misc
PermalinkA blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
Tags: medical
PermalinkThere once was an X from place B, That satisfied predicate P, He or she did thing A, In an adjective way, Resulting in circumstance C.
Tags: misc
PermalinkFarmer: This is a dogwood tree. Cityman: How can you tell? Farmer: By its bark
Tags: misc
PermalinkCan you decipher this phrase? ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ 2 Mistletoe! (Miss L two.)
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless! P.S. This works for just about any instrument player.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhich dog doesn't have a tail? Hot dogs, of course.
Tags: misc
PermalinkIf the entire world was a stage and God was the director, what we need is a rehearsal.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkOne day my wife was changing my daughter's diaper, and my 3 year old son walked in and saw her and asked, "Mommy, where is her thingy?" I almost had a heart attack, laughing so hard that day.
Tags: children
PermalinkJoke: Why does Snoop Dogg Carry an umbrella? Answer: For Drizzle my nizzle
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkBad at golf? Join the club.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhy do bears have hairy coats? Fur protection.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhat do you call a chicken in a shell suit? An egg!
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhy did the kid walk backwards to school? Because it was back to school day!
Tags: children
PermalinkWhen a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do you keep a Michigan State Player out of your yard? Set up a goal post.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ. How do you say "Give me liberty or give me death!" in French? A. I give up.
Tags: misc
PermalinkA 14-year old boy was helping his mom wash the dishes after dinner on a beautiful day. He says, "Mom, can I go outside? I want to play football." His mom says, "OK, but on one condition: you let your little brother play with you and your friends." The teenager replied with, "But mom, we already tried that. This time I want to play with a real football!"
Tags: sports
PermalinkWhy did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkIf ham is Canadian bacon, then what the heck do you Canadians call bacon?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkShows that may be appearing on TV soon, as a result of the electronic and computer age:
Tags: misc
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