Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• I'm sure there's a supplement I could take or another easy solution to cure my laziness. Someone look into it for me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Wow, that was embarrassing. I opened my fridge and saw my salad dressing.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I'll be ill if you remove the apostrophe.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My best mates and I played a game of hiding and seek. It went on for hours... Well, good friends are hard to find.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What type of exam does the vampire teacher give his students? A blood test.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The only problem with kissing a perfect 10 is how cold the mirror feels against your lips.

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• I didn't want to believe my father was stealing from the transportation department. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I tried for years to snap my thumb and finger together - and suddenly it clicked!

  Tags: puns

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• If someone calls you a nobody, just remember. Nobody's perfect.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do they say "be there or be square"? because if you are square, you are not around.

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• I wonder if Buzz and woody had ever met Andy's mom's toys. They probably have the same names

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• Why does Waldo wear stripes? He doesn't want to be spotted

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• What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing? and delivery

  Tags: one-liners

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• It's always a good idea to make friends with babies. That's free cake once a year for a lifetime.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I steal candy bars using slight of hand... You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb? Why does it have to be a group activity?

  Tags: one-liners

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• There's no reason to be tailgating me when I'm doing 50 in a 35 and those flashing lights on your car look stupid.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When you try to prove to someone that something doesn't work, it will.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A cop just knocked on my door and said that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where do you find a birthday present for a cat? In a cat-alogue!

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Friends are forever. Until they get in a relationship.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Waitress: 'Do u have any questions about the menu?' Me: 'What kind of font is this?'

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Q. What's the best kind of triangle to ask out on a date? A. Acute Triangle

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• What is the true purpose of Valentine's Day? To remind single people they are single.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm at the age where I have to make a noise when I bend over. It's the law.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime. It's just another day at the United States Bureau of Engraving and Printing.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine? He fell in love with a pincushion!

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Dentist: "You need a crown." Patient: "Finally someone who understands me"

  Tags: one-liners, medical

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• My gf is like the square root of negative one hundred. She's a perfect ten but imaginary

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• What happens when you mix human DNA with goat DNA? You get kicked out of the petting zoo.

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• My toothpaste fell off of my brush and right onto the floor before I got to brush. I was Crestfallen

  Tags: one-liners

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• I finally got an A on my essay! Only 1999 more words to go.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the Calculus Teacher take the student's calculator away? He was viewing graphic material

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it's flat! In the end, he came around.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My two friends persuaded me to dress up as prepeller blades with them. At first I wasnt sure but now I'm a huge fan.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days? Because their kids have to play inside!

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• EA's microtransaction policy is so bad that... [This punchline is locked. Please pay 20,000 credits to unlock]

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages? Because there were too many knights.

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• I had a goal to lose 20 Pounds by the end of the year. 30 pounds to go

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• I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, “I want to sue the airline.”. “You don’t have much of a case,” he replied.

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• My next door neighbor banged on my door at 3:00 am last night. Fortunately, I was wide awake, playing my bagpipes on the back porch at the time.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Life is good you know. So I suggest you get one.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are monks so good at protesting? The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When I told my family I wanted to do stand-up comedy all they did was laughing.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• Why does it feel like time slows down during the day when you're at work and rapidly speeds up at night when you get home?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Have you heard about the amazing new discovery? It's a pill that is half aspirin and half glue for people who suffer from splitting headaches.

  Tags: misc

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• How do you comfort a grieving sushi chef? Wasabi for your loss.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why do you Drive on the Parkway but Park on the Driveway?

  Tags: puns

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• I had a job tying sausages together, but I couldn't make ends meet.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• What's the main use for leather in the world? Holding cows together

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• Stephen King has a son named Joe. I’m not joking, but he is!

  Tags: one-liners

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• 'Do Not Touch' Must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille

  Tags: one-liners

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• People are 63% more likely to believe a made up stat if you say it confidently. This increases to 78.47 if you add a decimal

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• Why did the tree install solar panels? It wanted to be a power plant.

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• I have an inferiority complex..... It's not a very good one, though.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A-flat minor.

  Tags: puns

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• Not hiring someone because they have tattoos completely ignores the fact that they clearly have no issues with pain or commitment.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• called the UPS office in Germany to ask if they were sending out my Oculus Rift. they said VR ready

  Tags: one-liners

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• Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said: ‘dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’

  Tags: one-liners

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• LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

  Tags: one-liners

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• What was NASA thinking when they decided to fly a rocket into a meteor? Did I hit or didymos.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around? Holmeless.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wanted to learn how to make ice cream, so I started attending sundae school.

  Tags: puns

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• Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I work out almost every day. Friday I almost worked out, Saturday I almost worked out, Sunday I almost worked out...

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

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• A man just released from prison was walking down the street shouting, "I'm free! I'm free!"... A little boy yelled back at him, "that's nothing, I'm four!"

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• When I was younger, I lived in a houseboat and started to date the girl next door. Unfortunately we soon drifted apart.

  Tags: one-liners

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• what did the Copper say to the sodium chloride couple? I'm taking you in for a salt

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• If you can't think of a word, say "I forgot the English word for it." That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What cereal does Spider-Man hate the most? Mystery O's

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.

  Tags: one-liners

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• An Irish man walks out of a bar..............Hey, It could happen

  Tags: bar

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• What do you call a monkey holding a fire cracker? A Baboom!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I recently quit my job at the orange juice factory...... I just couldn’t concentrate.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did Adam and Eve ever have a date? No, but they had an Apple.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did Charizard say to Pikachu? Charizard

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do they call shoes with wheels in Africa? SwaHeeleys.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.

  Tags: misc

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• Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated”. and “non-hyphenated”?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've never been very good at geography. But I can name at least one city in France, which is Nice.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the best thing to put into a pie? Your teeth!

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I like my puns like I like my sausages... the wurst ones are the best.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If the speed of light is 186,000 miles/sec., what's the speed of darkness?

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the best place to shop for a soccer shirt? New Jersey!

  Tags: one-liners, money, sports

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• A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Life isn't about winning and losing. It's about wishing you would have won and wondering why you lost.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If it weren't for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for everybody.

  Tags: puns

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• My superpower is making people laugh. Which would be great if I was trying to be funny.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I didn't lose my mind, I just let it wander and it never came back. I miss it so much.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a boat driving in circles for a student's education? An In-Turn Ship!

  Tags: one-liners

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• If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'll never forget the first time we met. But I'll keep trying.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's the worst name for a chain of restaurants? Dominoes

  Tags: one-liners

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• Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Borrow money from a pessimist---They don't expect it back.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "If two wrongs don't make a right, what do two rights make?" An Airplane

  Tags: one-liners

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• How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Nobody knows, the never get to keep the house.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I finally found a diet plan that works. It's called 'The Cost of Food'.

  Tags: one-liners, food, money

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• What do you call something that looks like pasta, and tastes like pasta, but isn't pasta? An impasta.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• My dad has a pencil that was once owned by Shakespeare. It's so chewed up that we can't tell if it's 2b or not 2b.

  Tags: one-liners

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• When I noticed "HI" in the alphabet, I thought someone was actually going to be my friend. Then I saw the next two letters...

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have a map of the world... its actual size.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why was titanium afraid of iron and argon? Because there is nothing to fear but FEAR itself

  Tags: one-liners

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• A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"

  Tags: animal

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• What a pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet? None of them. Historians suggest that most pirates would have been illiterate.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You can’t breathe through your nose while smiling. Of course you can I just wanted you to smile!

  Tags: one-liners

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• alarm clock, n. a device for waking up people who don't have small children

  Tags: misc

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• It's impossible to be a participant in the march of time and not get a few blisters.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I had a date tonight. It was pretty sweet. Next, I’m going to try a fig.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the guy hate his job at the can crushing factory? It was soda pressing.

  Tags: one-liners

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• If you win three games of Twister in a row you're automatically a yoga instructor.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• "Tired" isn't even a temporary state for me anymore it's more like a part of my personality at this point.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My father was a kamikaze pilot in his youth. Not a very successful one, obviously.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I make money the old-fashioned way. My salary is the same as it was ten years ago.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to have a job. I just wish it wasn't THIS job.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I accidentally clicked on a "You've won an iPhone"-popup. Luckliy it was only a virus.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I put a new freezer next to the refrigerator, now they're just chilling.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The last airline I flew charged for everything. Except for the bad service. That was free.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• What do you call a very small valentine? A valentiny.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Working on the computer is like driving a submarine. Once you open windows, the problems begin.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you tell the difference between an electrician and an electrical engineer? Ask them to pronounce the word, "unionized".

  Tags: one-liners

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• Detective 1: I think the accountant did it. I found a calculator at the crime scen. Detective 2: that adds up

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Why did the Egyptians build the pyramids? To get to the other side.

  Tags: one-liners

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• As I was coming back from Canada, I stopped at the border and the guy asked, "Do you have any firearms with you?" I answered, "What do you need?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• It's 364 days until christmas. And people already have their lights up!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan"

  Tags: one-liners

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• A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is great in the US but awful in the UK? Losing pounds

  Tags: one-liners

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• Which cheese is made backwards? Edam

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Q: Where can you find a dog with no legs?A:Right where you left it.

  Tags: animal

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• What do you call your mother’s angry French sister? Your croissant

  Tags: one-liners

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• One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my salad?"

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• 6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8 ,9 but why did 7 eat 9? Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The saying "say no to drugs" has always made me laugh. If you're talking to drugs, it's probably too late to say no to them.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A local movie theatre was robbed of $600 worth of merchandise. The suspects stole 3 medium popcorns, 1 bag of skittles and 4 small diet cokes.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I have a pen that can write underwater! It can also write other words too

  Tags: one-liners

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• I finally learned how to convert units to the metric system! It's a real 1.61kilometers6.35kilograms for me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I saw a stand-up comic doing jokes about botany. Nobody in the audience laughed except one guy. I looked at him and thought "you're a plant".

  Tags: one-liners

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• When I canceled my gym membership, I had to hand in my too weak notice

  Tags: one-liners

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• The next iPhone won't be a failure. In fact, it'll be a huge 6S.

  Tags: one-liners

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• There’s a virus that makes us forget 80s music. It may be spreading. No one knows the Cure

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

  Tags: one-liners

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• What if there were no hypothetical questions?Why does the word 'monosyllabic' have so many syllables?

  Tags: misc

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• So my twin brother called me from prison. He said, "So you know how we finish each others' sentences?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop... I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Down with the metric system. No more foreign rulers!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did Yoda say when he watched Star Wars on Blu-Ray? HDMI

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: Did you hear about the man with a broken left arm and broken left leg? A: Don't worry he's "ALRIGHT" now!

  Tags: one-liners

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• A fortune teller escaped from prison and became a small medium at large.

  Tags: puns

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• Where do admins go for summer break? Banned camp.

  Tags: one-liners

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• As a child I was obsessed with the difference between cosine and sine. As I got older I realized it was just a phase

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just gave my cat some 7UP. Now he's got 16 lives.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is the saddest time in Brazil? Seven to one.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Who is never hungry at Christmas? The turkey - he's always stuffed!

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does Arnold Schwarzenegger say at a bar mitzvah? Muscle. Tough.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sorry I'm late but I wanted to make sure I missed most of it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is the army so strict about their uniforms? To minimize casual tees...

  Tags: one-liners

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• I’m addicted to seaweed. I must seek kelp.

  Tags: one-liners

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• No one is listening to you until you make a mistake.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail, but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My buddy gave me a terrible thesaurus. It was terrible.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A man arrived to a Duel with only a pen and a piece of paper. He proceeded to draw his weapon

  Tags: one-liners

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• Which country has the fastest growing capitol? Ireland. It's Dublin every year.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record. I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

  Tags: one-liners

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• In the movie 'The Hunt for Red October' ... the entire story is the sub-plot.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What is an extreme sport? Doing you homework, while the teacher is collecting it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• It's pretty easy to fall in love with an Olympic Curler. They're used to sweeping people off their feet

  Tags: one-liners

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• The sun is going to go out in 4 billion years, and you sit there and act like everything is fine.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My friend asked me if the new Star Wars was in 3D and I said, yes, but they R2D2.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg

  Tags: one-liners

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• Someone asked me how you weigh an elephant. It's quite like weighing a person, but on a much larger scale.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I went to a wedding the other day. Two antennas were getting married. It wasn't much of a wedding ceremony, but it was one heck of a reception!

  Tags: puns

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• According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Where does a dog go when he loses his tail? a retail store

  Tags: one-liners

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• I just realized my countertop is made of marble.. I have been taking it for granite all these years.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does a skeleton orders at a restaurant? Spare ribs.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Burned my Hawaiian pizza... Should have put it on aloha temperature.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I made a mistake at the grocery store. I went to get 6 Sprites. Accidentally picked 7up

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did KGB officers always travel in threes? One who could read, one who could write, and the third to watch over those two dangerous intellectuals.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Cashier: "How would you like to pay for this." Me: "Not at all."

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Quitting smoking is the easiest thing I've ever done. I've quit hundreds of times.

  Tags: one-liners

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• BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered an amazing fact about icebergs... More below.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Maybe if we all sit extremely still, Monday won't be able to see us.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work

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• When you marry, your spouse's family become "in-laws." So, when you divorce, does that make them "outlaws?"

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's a horse's favorite sport? Stable Tennis.

  Tags: one-liners, animal, sports

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• You know when donkey followed Shrek home and just kept talking? That's what it's like having kids.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are Pokemon considered manly in Peru? It all dates back to the time of Macho-Pikachu

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you know that the vast majority of convicted criminals are married men? It's the only way they get to finish a sentence.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What's a pirates favourite letter? P, because without it they're irate

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don’t have a “dad bod.”. I have a father figure.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Fireplace! Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire. That made my father very mad, as we didn’t have a fireplace

  Tags: one-liners

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• THIS JUST IN!!!!! Corduroy pillows are making headlines.........

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the copper circle say as it rolled through town? "Cu around"

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• My neighboor rang my doorbell at 5 am.. Luckily I was already up, playing drums.

  Tags: one-liners

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• if stealing kids is kidnapping,is stealing adults oldnapping?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why does Ireland have the fastest growing economy in the world? Because its capital is Dublin all the time!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I felt very lonely so I bought some stocks. It's nice to have a bit of company.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why can a 747 never crash? When it hits the ground it goes 'boeing'

  Tags: one-liners

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• 0.666. ... beware the number of the millibeast.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Two snowmen in a field, one turned to the other and said "I don't know about you but I can smell carrots!"

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn't know who he was.

  Tags: one-liners, programming

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• Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

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• Why did Leonardo DiCaprio laugh at the Oscar joke? Because he finally got it

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• A good romance starts with a foundation of trust, friendship and mutual respect. A bad romance starts with rah rah-ah-ah-ah roma roma-ma gaga ooh-la-la.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Happy birthday, Bono. I wanted to get you the perfect present, but I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

  Tags: one-liners

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• The problem with keeping an open mind is that all my ideas tend to fall out.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm anti-work but pro-paycheck so you see my dilemma.

  Tags: one-liners, at-work, money

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• Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted. For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can.

  Tags: one-liners

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• A goat, a drum, and a rattlesnake fall down a cliff... ba dum tss

  Tags: one-liners

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• The early bird gets the worm but the late worm gets to live.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• When everything's coming up roses, it's time to celebrate. But, when everything's coming up daisies, it's time to mourn.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning. I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Why is the hipster sweating? Because he wore a scarf before it was cool.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Speak your mind out when you're angry. You'll make the best speech you'll ever live to regret.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you get when multiplication, division, addition, and subtraction don't shower for a month? The Odor of Operations

  Tags: one-liners

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• They say "don't try this at home" so I'm coming over to your house to try it...

  Tags: one-liners

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• The invention of the spoon was an important point in human history. It caused...quite a stir.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes!

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I know the day I gave up exercise. You wanna know? Check my birth certificate.

  Tags: misc

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• Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4 years old raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did the farmer say when his hay started blowing away? Hay, come back!

  Tags: one-liners

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• I saw my neighbour going outside again and again to check his mailbox. When I asked why is he doing that, he replied - My computer says I have got mail.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is six afraid of seven? Because there's something odd about him

  Tags: one-liners

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• Throwing out perfectly good clocks. Is a waste of time.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, "Well, this changes everything"

  Tags: one-liners

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• I wonder why there are locks on the doors of Seven-Eleven when it says they are open 24/7.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How do you sneak up on celery? You stalk it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I beat a black belt at karate. My next challenger is a green sock.

  Tags: one-liners

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