Not to worry: the man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Tags: one-liners
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paddling out…
View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.
Not to worry: the man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." "That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
Tags: misc
PermalinkIt is obvious. The downfall of the world is here. It is 2005 and we have lived on this earth for ages. I suppose it is about time for the end. Proof? You want proof? I have all the proof you will need: They let Brittney Spears reproduce. Ohh that poor poor child!!
Tags: puns
PermalinkQ: How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out
Tags: science
PermalinkWe rated with RSAC i, TM Safe Surf Rated.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkGive a man a fish and he will eat for a day... Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ: How many lead guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. The guitarist holds the bulb and the world revolves around him!
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkKnock knock. Who's there? A broken pencil. A broken pencil who? Never mind. It's pointless.
Tags: classic, knock-knock
PermalinkQ: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkBilly's teacher sent a note home to Mom saying, "Billy is a very bright boy, but spends much too much time thinking about girls and sex." The next day Mom sent a note back to the teacher saying, "If you happen to find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Dad."
Tags: children
PermalinkWhy did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.
Tags: misc
PermalinkJACK AND JILL Went up the hill To have a little fun. Stupid Jill Forgot the pill And now they have a son.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?Beer nuts are over a buck and deer nuts are under a buck!
Tags: misc
PermalinkA man walks into a bar. He falls down, unconscious. Why is this? Because the man walked into a solid bar. A solid, metal bar!
Tags: bar
PermalinkQ: How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb? A: There is nothing to change.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkIf winners never quit, and quitters never win... Who was the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead".
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhy does it take longer to get from 1st to 2nd base, than it does to get from 2nd to 3rd base? Because there’s a Shortstop in between!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkNever test the depth of the water with both feet.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat is black and white and red all over? An embarrassed zebra
Tags: animal
PermalinkQ: What is the difference between a fish and a piano ? A: You can't tuna fish.
Tags: misc
PermalinkDid you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? The food is great, but there’s just no atmosphere.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhat does a Mexican firefighter name his twin sons? Jose and Josbe
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTwo ships, one carrying lots of red paint, the other carrying lots of purple paint, crashed on a desert island. The drivers are now marooned.
Tags: puns
PermalinkQuestion: If the world was a jacket where would the people from the ghetto go? Answer:In da Hood!
Tags: misc
PermalinkDiplomacy: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
Tags: misc
PermalinkOnly in America can a President have relations in the oral office
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat is the similarity between Einstein and Newton? Neither of them ever had a mobile phone!
Tags: tech
PermalinkIf you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIt may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkBill and Hillary Clinton went out to dinner and when the waiter came to take their order, he asked Hillary how she wanted her steak, she replied, "medium."Then the waiter said, "how about your vegetable?"Hillary replied, "Oh, he can order for himself."
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat is the world's sharpest thing? A fart! It goes through your pants without leaving a hole!
Tags: misc
PermalinkRich texans are fabled for their grand style but when one oil tycoon appeared at a local golf course followed by a servant pulling a foam-cushioned chaise- lounge, his opponents thought that was taking style too far."J.R., are you going to make that poor caddie lug that couch all over the course after you?" he was asked."Caddie, my eye," explained J.R. "That's my psychiatrist."
Tags: family-parents
PermalinkWhat do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose? Hare spray.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkHow many Penecostals does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Five - one to screw in the lightbulb and four to pray against the power of darkness!
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy does it take 3 women with PMS to change a lightbulb? BECAUSE IT JUST DOES, OK!!!!
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhy did the chicken pox cross the road? He was afraid if he stayed he would be spotted.
Tags: medical
PermalinkNothing. It just waved.
Tags: puns, ocean
PermalinkWhat does the hot dog say after winning a race? I'm a WIENER!!!
Tags: misc
PermalinkSpeak your mind out when you're angry. You'll make the best speech you'll ever live to regret.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkEagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkCan you decipher this phrase? A R M S Open arms!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ. What always stays hot inside a refridgerator? A. Salsa!
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat do you call a computer mouse that swears a lot? A cursor!
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkJack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marajiuana, Jack got high and unzipped his fly and Jill said I don't wanna.
Tags: misc
PermalinkParallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.
Tags: puns, math
PermalinkKnock! Knock! Who's there? Harry. Harry who? Harry up and let me in!
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkThis guy comes walking out of a store carrying a big grandfather's clock. A drunk man bumps into him and the guy drops the clock and smashes it all to hell. The guy says, "Why don't you watch where you're going?" and the drunk says, "Why don't you carry a wrist watch like everybody else?"
Tags: misc
PermalinkQUESTION: Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my computer? ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:
Tags: computers
Permalink1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die from natural causes. 2. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe cop got out of his and walked up to the kid who was stopped for speeding. He rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Tags: misc
PermalinkA test-tube baby has a womb with a view.
Tags: puns
PermalinkTex: "My uncle can shoot a gun faster than any other man in the West. He can even shoot without removing the gun from his Holster." Rex: "What do they call your uncle?" Tex: "Toeless Joe."
Tags: misc
PermalinkCan You Decipher This Phrase? DEINPTH VESTINIGATION In depth investigation!
Tags: animal
PermalinkPride is what you feel when your kids net $143 from a garage sale. Panic is what you feel when you realize your car is missing.
Tags: children
PermalinkEver wondered why bees hum? It's because they don't know the words.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkPilot: "Pilot to tower. I am 300 miles from land. 600 feet over water and running out of fuel. Please instruct!" Tower: "Tower to pilot. Tower to pilot. Repeat after me, 'Our Father, who art in heaven...'"
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat is the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkJudi is explaining to Monika the bad day she'd had at work.Judi's boss had suffered a heart attack and died.Monika said, "How horrible!What did you do?" Judi shook her head."There was nothing I *could* do.He kept yelling at me to call 9-1-1, but he wouldn't tell me the rest of the numbers!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow do turtles talk to each other? Shellphones!
Tags: animal
PermalinkGood luck turns into bad luck when you call the credit card company to tell them they made a mistake on your bill..... and they agree because they didn't charge you enough. Good luck turns into bad luck when the cutest boy rings you up.... then apologies because he dialed the wrong number.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy didn't Megan Fox run from the man-eating lion? Because she was a woman. *Told to me by a 7-year-old*
Tags: animal
PermalinkA man was watching television when there was a knock on the door. He answered it, but only a snail was there. So he picked it up and threw it into the street. Two years later, the man heard another knock on the door. He opened the door and it was the snail again. The snail says, "What was that all about?"
Tags: animal
PermalinkIf 7-11(pharmacy) is open 24/7 then why do they have locks on their doors?
Tags: deep-thoughts
PermalinkWhat do you call a Grizzly with no teeth? A gummy bear
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhat does the dentist of the year get?...A little plaque.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkKnock knock? Who's there? Water. Water who? Water you doing?
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkQ. What do me and a mirror have in common? A. When we see your face we both crack up!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSometimes people with a lot of cents have little sense.
Tags: puns
PermalinkCan you decipher this phrase? RU[color=red]E[/color] Are you ready: [R U + red E].
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhere should a dressmaker live? On the outskirts of the city.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a troublesome Canadian high schooler? A poutine.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhen the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?" "Why, it's bean soup," she replied. "I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"
Tags: puns
PermalinkQ: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb? A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkQ: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkQ: What did the chicken say after it crossed the road? A: "Why is everyone always talking about me?"
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow many ventriloquists does it take to change a light bulb? Two - one to change the light bulb, and one to holg ge gottong og ge lagger.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkQ: How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. There's a primitive for that.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhy was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine!
Tags: puns
PermalinkI hate thongs! I mean, come on, Women don't need to floss their butts.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,331:
Tags: computers
PermalinkA police detective was investigating a homicide. As he questioned the on-scene officer, he learned the body was that of a young woman. The body was found with a bowl over her head and a spoon stuck in her back. The on-scene officer asked what the detective thought had happened to the woman. The detective responded, "I think it's obvious. A cereal killer got her!"
Tags: puns
PermalinkEmployer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible." Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
Tags: puns
PermalinkOne day two blondes decided to take a trip to Disney Land. They were riding down the road and all of a sudden they came to a fork in the road and a sign said disneyland left. So they looked at eachother and said dangget and went back home.
Tags: blonde-jokes
PermalinkQ. What did the father buffalo say to the son buffalo when he left for school? A. Bison!
Tags: animal
PermalinkQ: Why didn't Cain please God? A: Because he just wasn't Able.
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhat's the difference between a sock and a camera? One takes five toes and one takes photos.
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow did the person take over the remote? He asked for remote CONTROLS!
Tags: tech
PermalinkCan You Decipher This Phrase? B SAI Bonsai! B (on) SAI.
Tags: misc
Permalink"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day." -Poor Bear
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat animal is always at a game of cricket? A bat.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkOne day a cat comes walking by meowing, "I can't do anything right." So he keeps on pouting and somebody comes up to him and says, "Why are you crying?" "Because I can't do anything right." So the guy helps the cat and a day later the cat could do anything right so he goes to the litter box and misses the box by an inch.
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat kind of monkey eats chips? A chipmunk!
Tags: animal
PermalinkBefore he left on a business trip, the father took his young son aside. "Terence, I'm trusting you to take care of the family while I'm gone. You're going to be the man of the house." Comprehending the gravity of the situation, Terence replied soberly, "In that case, I'm gonna need the remote."
Tags: children
PermalinkThis is the worst joke ever. Give it no smiley face.
Tags: misc
PermalinkIf to give a man a fish, he eats for a day, but if you teach a man to fish... He has to buy a license, poles, bait, and sit on his behind for four hours.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHe was a smooth operator, and at the club's annual dance he attached himself to the prettiest lady golfer in the room and was boasting to her. "You know, they're all afraid to play me. What do you think my handicap is?" "Well, where do you want me to start ?" came the quick response.
Tags: sports
PermalinkA computer teacher who doesn't speak good english tells his student "Paul open the window let the Air Force Come." At another time the same teacher and his wife sees one of his students in mall. The next day the teacher says to the student "Tim, yesterday I saw you with my wife at the mall."
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ: What did the little chick say when his mom laid an orange? A: Look at the orange-mama-lade!
Tags: puns
PermalinkHow do you titillate an ocelot? Oscillate its tit a lot!
Tags: animal
PermalinkA mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing," his mother asked? "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
Tags: children
PermalinkHealth nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy are ghosts bad liars? Because you can see right through them!
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkKnock-Knock Who's there? Me Me who? Who the hell is me-who???
Tags: knock-knock
Permalink"You were speaking much too long on the phone just now, Miss Ponsonby," said Mr.Jones. "But it was a business call, Mr. Jones." "Well, please don't address our clients as 'sweetikins'in the future."
Tags: at-work
PermalinkA dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all."
Tags: animal
PermalinkHow do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkKnock Knock Who's there? Dustin Dustin who? Dust in the air, please let me in!
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkKnock, Knock Who's there? Ya Ya - who? I didn't know you could yodel! Yahoooo!
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkQ. How many car salesmen does it take to change a light bulb? A. I'm just going to work this out on my calculator, and I think you're going to be pleasantly surprised.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkNow I lay me down to sleep With the boy across the street Won't my mommy be surprised When my tummy starts to rise Won't my daddy be disgusted When he finds my cherry's busted.
Tags: misc
PermalinkI've got good news and bad news. The good news is that there is no bad news. The bad news is that there is no good news.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWARNINGS that should appear on alcohol bottles and over bars
Tags: heaven-and-hell
Permalink1) Umm... 2) Well... 3) Hmmm, er... 4)
Tags: misc
PermalinkHave you ever heard of the Gay Mafia? No? If you don't pay up, they come round your house, and criticize your curtains!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhich side of the chicken has more feathers? The outside.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkA doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast."You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone."What took you so long to answer?""I was in bed.""What were you doing in bed this late?""Getting a second opinion."
Tags: women
PermalinkKnock, knock, knock! Who's there, i' th' name of Beelzebub? Here's a farmer that hanged himself on the expectation of plenty. Come in time, have napkins enough about you, here you'll sweat for 't.
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkSo I said to the taxi driver, "King Arthur's Close." He said, "Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights." - Tommy Cooper.
Tags: puns
PermalinkI tried surfing the internet. The waves were terrible but the connection was great.
Tags: tech, ocean
PermalinkHow many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Wizards don't use lightbulbs!
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhat do you do when you're lonely on an Alaskan cruise? Answer: Go to the window and yell "whale"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkLittle Johnny says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady." "Well, you've done the right thing," says Mommy "But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
Tags: children
PermalinkQ: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkSanta:Oye, you know once, when I was very young, I jumped from the 20th floor of a building. Banta: Then what happened? Did you survived or die? Santa replied: "Oye, I forgot, that was years ago".
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat's better than going to school? Having play time every day!
Tags: misc
PermalinkIf you love someone, set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy pal is addicted to brake fluid - but he says he can stop any time he wants.
Tags: puns
PermalinkPeriod- The thing at the end of a sentence.
Tags: misc
PermalinkI wouldn't have believed this unless I seen it with my own eyes. I was walking down a street in the city I live in and noticed a store was going out of business. In the window was a huge sign "GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SALE", directly below that sign was another sign that said "NOW HIRING!" Talk about no job security!
Tags: at-work
PermalinkA mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up." The boy looked at her quizzically: "Why does it have to be a secret?"
Tags: family-parents
PermalinkWhen a man wants to believe something, it doesn't take much to convince him.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence? Utter destruction.
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat was the last thing that Abraham Lincoln did? He died.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhy should you have only one egg for breakfast? Because un oeuf is enough!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow to tell if your cat has a problem by asking yourself the following questions:
Tags: animal
PermalinkCan you decipher this phrase? M L I K Milk shake!
Tags: misc
PermalinkBe content with what you've got, but be sure you've got plenty of it.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat is represented by this? DO WN Broken down!
Tags: animal
PermalinkIt takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown - and fewer still to ignore someone completely.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink"I have a bad headache. I'll visit the doctor.""Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, gave a big kiss to my wife and the pain disappeared. Why don't you try it?""Good idea, call up your wife and tell her I'll be right over."
Tags: misc
PermalinkI just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I ever saw
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkQ. Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?A. They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
Tags: state-jokes
PermalinkTwo muffins were sitting next to each other, in an oven, as they were being cooked. One muffin turned to the other muffin, and said, "Man, it's hot in here." Then the other muffin turned to the first muffin and screamed, "AHHH! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkOnce, I was walking along our road and saw a man who appeared to be very old and well-lived sitting in a rocking chair. Surely, I thought, this man had all the answers. So I asked, "How did you live to such a healthy old age?" He said, "I do lots of drugs, eat lots of sugars and fats, I smoke, and I never exercise." "Wow," I said, "how old are you again??" "I'm 22."
Tags: misc
PermalinkSign outside a watch-maker's shop; Watch batteries fitted.
Tags: puns
PermalinkWhat's green and runs round the garden? The hedge!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkPrivate Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offense. "You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty days' pay," said the officer. "All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow do you generate a random string? Put a Windows user in front of Vim and tell them to exit.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkAn eight year old girl tried checking a book out of the library, entitled 'Advice for Young Mothers'. The librarian, being a typically nosey and puritanical librarian, asked, "Why do you want to check out this particular book, dear?" The little girl replied, "Because I collect moths."
Tags: children
PermalinkWhat do you call an old snowman? Water.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhat's the most dangerous insect? The hepatitis bee.
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhy is the word abbreviation so long?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy did the functions stop calling each other? Because they had constant arguments.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkWhat are Martians favorite sweets? Mars-mallows.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do you get pikachu on a bus? You pokemon.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ. Why are families like chocolate? A. They are mostly sweet, with a few nuts!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWe may share aggregated information with our partners and advertisers. This is not linked to any personally identifiable information.
Tags: misc
PermalinkIf the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Tags: crazy-jokes
PermalinkQ. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull ? A. Lipstick.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkTeacher: Alvin, how many letters are in the alphabet? Alvin: 18. Teacher: Wrong, there are 26. Alvin: No, teacher, there used to be 26, but ET went home in a UFO and the CIA went after him.
Tags: children
PermalinkConfucius say: Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways, going to Bangkok
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did the horse say when he fell? I've fallen and I can't giddy up!
Tags: animal
PermalinkQ:What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?A:A quater-pounder with cheese.
Tags: women
PermalinkOn June 10th, 2006, San Fransisco, California held the largest gay, nude bike ride in the United States. I'm never buying a used bike ever again.
Tags: misc
PermalinkQ.Where do tough chickens come from? A.Hard boiled eggs!
Tags: one-liners
Permalinkwhat do you do with a dog with no legs? Take him for a spin!
Tags: crazy-jokes
PermalinkQ: What has four legs and an arm? A: A happy pitbull. Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?A: Lipstick!
Tags: misc
PermalinkThere's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."
Tags: bar
PermalinkBe nice to your kids, they'll choose your nursing home.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's purple and commutes? An Abelian grape.
Tags: tech
PermalinkTwo attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5000 miles.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkIf you are inventing something, the best way for it to work is to give it a job.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkBarry calls his boss. "I'm having problems with my eyes." "What's wrong with them?" his boss asks. "I just can't see myself coming into work today."
Tags: at-work
PermalinkWhat part of music is the part you'd better not try to sing? Refrain!
Tags: animal
PermalinkIrvin is driving down the freeway to go to work when his cell phone rings. It's his wife: "Irving,I just heard on the news that there's a car going down the freeway in the wrong direction. Please try to be careful." "It's true,"Irving replies,"But not just one car- there are hundreds of them!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkNever insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.
Tags: one-liners
Permalinkknock knock! whose there? yer mom oh come in!
Tags: knock-knock
PermalinkAnd my FAVORITE...... The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy computer is so old, it has a VHS slot instead of a CD/DVD slot!!!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA guy was smoking a cigarette. Another guy comes up to him and asks, "Do you have an extra cigarette?" The first guy looks at the box and reads that it contains 20 cigarettes. He counts all the cigarettes in his box and says,"Nope, don't got any extra cigarettes".
Tags: misc
PermalinkCan I watch the TV? Yes, but don’t turn it on.
Tags: classic, general
Permalink"For Gods sakes Bill! Help her find it!." ~Hillary after walking in with Monica on her hands and knees in front of Bill
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkOverheard at an exhibit in the science museum: "It says here that oxygen was discovered over two hundred years ago." "Wow! What did people breathe before that?"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe Sergeant-Major growled at the young soldier: I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning. Thank you very much, sir.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkQ: How many WASP Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkWhy don't React developers like nature? They prefer the virtual DOM.
Tags: classic, programming
PermalinkWhy did Tom throw butter outside the window? Because he wanted to see the butter-fly.
Tags: puns
PermalinkHow do you catch an elephant? Dig a hole, put peanuts around it, fill it with ashes and when the elephant goes to eat the peanuts, kick him in the ash hole.
Tags: animal
PermalinkThe folks at American Greetings have compiled a list of lines to use when signing you valentine.... depending on your personality.
Tags: holidays
PermalinkJack and Jill went up the hill each with a buck and a quarter Jill came down with $2.50. They didn't go up for water!
Tags: puns
PermalinkQ:Why did Minie Mouse get kicked out of the sand box?A:Becase she sat on Pinochio's face and said "Lie to me Pinochio lie!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkSo, what did one Bowling pin say to the other Bowling pin? ............................ Hey, you're a knock out!
Tags: misc
PermalinkThe one item you need is always in short supply.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkCustomer: I see you have gravy on your menu today. Waiter: Yes, sir. What would you like to have? Customer: A clean menu!
Tags: bar
PermalinkWhy shouldn't you take a Pokemon in the shower with you? Answer: Because it'll Pikachu! (peek at you...)
Tags: puns
PermalinkQ: How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb? A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkI've been out of work for a while, so when I found a job sorting salt and pepper, I was most pleased. The only drawback is that it's seasonal work.
Tags: puns
PermalinkThere once was a very old man, whose verses no one could scan. And when they asked, "Why?" he said, "I don't know, I "just put too many words in the last line, I guess."
Tags: misc
PermalinkA little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter -- haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
Tags: misc
PermalinkThere were some kids playing hopscotch and they were allowed to skip so when the winner was on 8 it went straight to 10
Tags: puns
PermalinkQ: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out). A: It's out?? Sell my G.E. stock NOW!
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkDid you hear about the tree that made an Ash of itself?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ. How many ADD kids does it take to change a light bulb? A. Hey, let's go ride bikes!
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkIf it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhats the difference between a womans paycheck and her periods?Well...:They come once a month,They get her stressed,And if one don't come...SHES IN TROUBLE.
Tags: women
PermalinkA nurse dies and goes to heaven. She is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who asks her questions about her life. Over St. Peter's shoulder the nurse spots a man in a white coat sitting on a cloud with a stethoscope around his neck. "Oh brother!" she cries. "Is that a doctor?" St Peter glances over his shoulder and says, "No, that's God. He just thinks he's a doctor."
Tags: medical
PermalinkThe wife ran into the house, screaming to her actor husband, "Darling, come quick. Your kids and my kids are beating up on our kids!"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkOne night, after a long hard day at work a politician went home. It was fairly late, around 10:00 p.m.All of the sudden, a masked man jumped out of the bushes and demanded all the politician's money."You can't do that!!" The politician cried. "I'm a politician!""Oh," said the masked man, "in that case give me all MY money!!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat do u call, a hippopotamus that dances? A hiphopanominus
Tags: children
PermalinkQ: How can you tell that an elephant is in the bathtub with you? A: By the smell of peanuts on its breath.
Tags: animal
PermalinkA bicycle can't stand alone because it is two tired.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA man walks into a doctor's office. He says, "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me! My elbow keeps coming untied. . . my belly button is out of order. . . I can't open my chest. . . I'm losing the leaves in my palm. . . somebody threw my waist in the trash. . . and my foot is only eleven inches!"
Tags: medical
PermalinkWhy is boxing a sport? If I beat someone up in an alley and someone sees it, I get arrested. If I beat someone up in an arena where thousands see it happen, I get cheered. I've done both. I like the alley better though.
Tags: sports
PermalinkFlashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTeacher: Why do we sometimes call the middle ages as the dark ages? Betty: Because they had so many knights.
Tags: misc
PermalinkSign at an office: Would the person who removed the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
Tags: misc
PermalinkAll lazy peoples' slogan must be "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese." But fear not for all of you who wake up early just keep this in mind: The first cat gets the mouse.
Tags: animal
PermalinkTwo detectives were investigating a scene, The victims had their hands and head cut off. "It's going to be a nightmare identifying the bodies, with no finger prints or faces" said one. The other replied, "I thought it would be rather easy, how many people do you know walking around with no head or hands?"
Tags: at-work
PermalinkQ: How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb? A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
Tags: light-bulbs
PermalinkFollowing questions and answers were collated from recent British GCSE exams (16 year olds)!
Tags: school
PermalinkAs a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"
Tags: misc
PermalinkThis guy at work argued with everybody that his pink oxford shirt was actually "salmon." Finally, human resources brought in a grizzly bear to settle the dispute.
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhy are oranges the smartest fruit? Because they are made to concentrate.
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWhy did Humpty dumpty go to the shrink? Cause he was half cracked.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat did the late tomato say to the early tomato? I’ll ketch up
Tags: classic, general
PermalinkWar not determine who right, war determine who left.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkQ: Why do they have trees in Paris? A: So the Germans can march in the shade instead of the sun.
Tags: misc
PermalinkA man goes to school and learns stuff.
Tags: college
PermalinkI love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThis guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "Oh, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat do you get if you cross a rhino and and elephant? Elepf-ino (pronounced "Hell if I know")
Tags: puns
Permalink1. Who's idea was it to put "s" in the word "Lisp"? 2. Trust in God, but keep your car locked. 3. They say that swimming is good for your figure. If so, what happened to whales?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDid you here about the giant with a nosebleed? It was all over town
Tags: one-liners
Permalink16 more white keys than black keys on a piano.
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhere does Superman's goldfish live ? In the superbowl....
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhy were the police at the baseball game? Because someone stole second base!
Tags: sports
PermalinkKnock-Knock Who's there? Orange Orange who Orange you tired of hearing the same stupid jokes about oranges?
Tags: knock-knock
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