Every joke I've kept

Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.

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I find it very offensive when people get easily offended.

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My Sister was crying so I asked her if she was having a cry-sis.

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Everyone has a friend who laughs funnier than he jokes.

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Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

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Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

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A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

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So apparently RSVP'ing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response.

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Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

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I got lost in your eyes. But I also get lost in most department stores, so I wouldn't read too much into it.

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My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe. After 10 minutes he asked me why I hadn't pulled over. I said we are still in Manchester.

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They used to time me with a stopwatch... now they use a calendar.

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I would tell you my autumn joke but you probably wouldn't fall for it

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It's funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

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I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

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I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't.

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What did the vegan say? I made a big missed steak.

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I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

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You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there's no real difference between me and George Clooney.

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I threw a ball for my dog... It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.

— onelinefun.com