If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I'd compete in it later.
— onelinefun.com
Every joke I've kept
Surf instead →allone-liners 4222misc 1013animal 458classic 417general 345puns 264children 219at-work 211light-bulbs 191sports 153food 126programming 121money 100knock-knock 91medical 76science 55math 48bar 41music 41tech 40college 26family-parents 18men 18blonde-jokes 15computers 10crazy-jokes 9heaven-and-hell 9business 7deep-thoughts 7military 6one-liner 6women 6holidays 5police-jokes 5bar-jokes 3food-jokes 3idiots 3blind-jokes 2dad 2ethnic-jokes 2farmers 2ocean 2office-jokes 2old-age 2school 2state-jokes 1
I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust.
— onelinefun.com
I always tell new hires, don't think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you.
— onelinefun.com
The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you're not will lead to a sweet reward.
— onelinefun.com
If anything is possible, is it possible for something to be impossible?
— onelinefun.com
What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around? Holmeless.
— onelinefun.com
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
— onelinefun.com
My doctors office has two doctors on call at all times. Is that considered a pair a docs.
— onelinefun.com
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4 years old raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
— onelinefun.com
Bob The Builder has emigrated and set up a new business on a French Mediterranean island... Can he fix it? Corsican!
— onelinefun.com
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
— onelinefun.com
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
— onelinefun.com
When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor".
— onelinefun.com
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
— onelinefun.com
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
— onelinefun.com
I'm taking part in a stair climbing competition. Guess I better step up my game.
— onelinefun.com
My five-year-old: "I don't want to be your daughter anymore. I QUIT!" No two-week notice or anything. She'd better not expect a reference.
— onelinefun.com
What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.
— onelinefun.com
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
— onelinefun.com
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!
— onelinefun.com