Every joke I've kept

Did you hear about the accident at the army base? A jeep ran over a box of popcorn & killed 2 colonels

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The journey of a thousand miles ... begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

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Why does Tommy run around the school track 98 times every day? He has a run track mind.

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I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered all over the world.

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Mattel may not want to turn Barbie into a middle aged doll as some women suggested. Still others say it is high time for Ms. Roberts to get in touch with the modern times. Here are some suggestions for a 90's type of Barbie.

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Can you decipher this phrase? RU[color=red]E[/color] Are you ready: [R U + red E].

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Whats faster than a speeding bullet, more powerfull than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings and has a carpark? Super market

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A Dozen, a Gross, and a Score

A dozen, a gross, and a score Plus three times the square root of four Divided by seven Plus five times eleven Is nine squared and not a bit more.

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My teacher always used to tell me that double negatives are a real no-no.

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An old man saw a very tired infantryman resting after a hard foot march. The man said with disdain: "When I was of your age I thought nothing of a ten-mile hike." "Well, I don't think much of it either," replied the GI.

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A doctor at a major hair-loss institute in England now says the best way to avoid going bald: drink a lot of alcohol.They say drinking alcohol to excess increases hair growth.This could be true. When was the last time you saw a bald Kennedy?

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A young man was in the process of taking a verbal exam to join the local police force. "If you're driving a police car, alone on a country road at night, and are being chased by a group of criminals driving sixty miles an hour, what would you do?" he was asked. Without hesitation, the young man replied, "Seventy!"

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Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

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A blonde and a brunette were walking down the dark basement stairs to find a wrench. When they were half way down the stairs the blonde screamed. "What's wrong?" "Something brushed against my right leg!!" So both the brunette and the blonde were running around the basement screaming. "I keep feeling it!! Make it stop! Wait" The blonde said. "That was just my left leg!"

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Why does a man wear two pairs of pants when he goes golfing? He might get a hole in one!

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Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?

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alarm clock, n. a device for waking up people who don't have small children

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Here's a lighted dynamite stick, please hold it until I get back.

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PIANO PLAYER: "Do you think I have a gift for playing?" LISTENER: "No, but I'll give you one for stopping!"

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What did Spock find in the toilet? The captain's log.

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