Every joke I've kept

Why did the otter want to work at NASA? So he could go to Otter Space.

— upjoke.com

How do you get a guitar player to stop playing? Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

— upjoke.com

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans

— upjoke.com

How much does it cost to fly to South America? A Brazillion dollars (I stole this from Trixie Mattel)

— upjoke.com

My bank recently called me to let me know I had an outstanding balance I replied "Thank you, I used to do gymnastics" and hung up the phone. That was nice of them to say.

— upjoke.com

Working at an unemployment office must be so tense. Even if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.

— upjoke.com

What's the difference between a drama student and a government savings bond? The government savings bond eventually matures and earns money.

— upjoke.com

In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo. All the other paintball players started freaking out though.

— upjoke.com

I once told the family I like heavy metal. I got an iron anvil. Best gift ever.

— upjoke.com

Did you hear about the heavy metal band that also makes Christmas music? They're called sleigh-er

— upjoke.com

How many country singers does it take to change a light bulb? 2. One to change it and one to sing about how much they miss the old one.

— upjoke.com

As I stared into the refrigerator I realized I was finally using my philosophy degree. "Why am I here?"

— upjoke.com

"When am I ever gonna use this?" Asked the student to the algebra teacher. "Well you won't, but one of the smart kids might" he replied cheerfully

— upjoke.com

Did you know you can actually eat lava? Only once though.

— upjoke.com

How can you tell when an alto is trying to break into your house? They can’t find the key and they don’t know where to come in.

— upjoke.com

What do you call kids in Antarctica? Chilldren.

— upjoke.com

I hate calculus... I sometime wonder why I thought I should SINE up for this.

— upjoke.com

I was walking home last night and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery 3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them “I understand, I used to get freaked out too when I was alive.”

— upjoke.com

They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher

— upjoke.com

What color is the wind? Blew

— upjoke.com