Every joke I've kept

What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale? A northern fairy tale begins with, "Once upon a time..." A southern fairy tale begins, "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this..."

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Santa Vlause, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, a smart blonde and a dumb blonde were all walking down the street when they all spotted a 100$ dollar bill. Who do you think got it? No one because the first four dont exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.

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Teacher: Julia, how can you say Asshole in a nicer way? Julia: As holes.

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Two blond labourers looking for work arrive at a railway station, and ask for one-way tickets. The ticket-seller looks through his schedule, but can't find the place the blonds are seeking. "But you must be able to find it," says one. "We read in the papers that there are thousands of jobs in Jeopardy!"

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"May I take your order?" the waiter asked. "Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

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One day a cat comes walking by meowing, "I can't do anything right." So he keeps on pouting and somebody comes up to him and says, "Why are you crying?" "Because I can't do anything right." So the guy helps the cat and a day later the cat could do anything right so he goes to the litter box and misses the box by an inch.

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What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence? Utter destruction.

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I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that there is no bad news. The bad news is that there is no good news.

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A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?" Pop,goes the weasel.

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What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey!

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Eager to make full use of my new computer's capabilities, I asked a customer-service representative at my bank whether it offered on-line banking. "Certainly," she stated matter-of-factly, pointing to a crowd of people near the tellers. "The line starts over there."

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In "The Greatest Story Ever Told", John Wayne played a centurion at the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. One of his lines was, "Truly he is the Son of God!" The director felt John W. wasn't putting enough into it, and asked him to deliver the line again, but with a little more emphasis - "to put some awe into it". "OK," says John, "Awww - truly he is the Son of God!"

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The arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard and had then rubbed out the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying this number by ten. "Johnny," the teacher asked, "where is the decimal point now?" "On the eraser!" came back the quick reply.

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Teacher: So class, in the medieval times, the Puritan's ears were cut off if they didn't attend Catholic services. Student: I bet they didn't like the sound of that!

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Can a teacher give a homeless man homework?

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How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste!

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Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.

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A blonde went out for a walk. She came to a river and saw another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo," she shouted, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looked up the river then down the river then shouted back, "You’re already on the other side.”

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One day a duck walked into a drugstore and bought some lipstick. She walked up to the clerk and said, "Put it on my bill!"

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Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. "Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly "No," replied Lars. "Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"

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