I'm so much in debt, I can't afford to pay my electric bill... These are the darkest days of my life...
— upjoke.com
Every joke I've kept
Surf instead →allone-liners 4222misc 1013animal 458classic 417general 345puns 264children 219at-work 211light-bulbs 191sports 153food 126programming 121money 100knock-knock 91medical 76science 55math 48bar 41music 41tech 40college 26family-parents 18men 18blonde-jokes 15computers 10crazy-jokes 9heaven-and-hell 9business 7deep-thoughts 7military 6one-liner 6women 6holidays 5police-jokes 5bar-jokes 3food-jokes 3idiots 3blind-jokes 2dad 2ethnic-jokes 2farmers 2ocean 2office-jokes 2old-age 2school 2state-jokes 1
How do you remember to put on deodorant every morning? I don't know but you probably shouldn't come near me
— upjoke.com
I just read through six pages in a dictionary. I learnt next to nothing.
— upjoke.com
My brother has been writing a stage drama about a dictionary and a thesaurus. I'm really looking forward to it. I love a play on words.
— upjoke.com
Fun fact: "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound. . . At least, I'm pretty sure that's correct.
— upjoke.com
In Europe, they don't call it the "Friend Zone" They call it the "Pal Region"
— upjoke.com
Fun fact: Australia's biggest export is boomerangs. It's also their biggest import.
— upjoke.com
I have a hemp welcome mat. Some view it as a gateway rug.
— upjoke.com
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking, but the invention of the broom swept the nation.
— upjoke.com
What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze pilots say to his students? Watch closely. I’m only going to do this once.
— upjoke.com
Did you hear about the pasta and its cooking water? Their relationship was strained.
— upjoke.com
Why did princess peach begin to choke? Because Mario came down the wrong pipe
— upjoke.com
How many Tenors does it take to screw in a Lightbulb? Trick Question. They only think they can reach that high.
— upjoke.com
I used to sit in front of the trombones in band. I would keep both my sheet music, as well as theirs, so I knew when to duck.
— upjoke.com
This power washer says you're supposed to wear safety goggles when you use it. I can't see why.
— upjoke.com
What animal is 80% wool? A woolf.
— upjoke.com
Joke I made up: Caveman and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says "what's your story?" Caveman says... Bear with me...
— upjoke.com
What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond? The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.
— upjoke.com
While discussing horror movies, my friend asked me who my favorite monster from film is. Me: "Hmmm that's a tough one. I think I'd have to go with the vampire from Sesame Street." Friend: "What!? He doesn't count." Me: "Oh I assure you, he does."
— upjoke.com
I'm proud that I got 40% on my Latin exam. After all, you should always XL.
— upjoke.com