"There is only one pretty child in the world and every parent has it." - Chinese Proverb. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes. The best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day.
— public joke corpus
(to be read aloud) 'Twas in a restaurant they met Romeo and Juliet But Romeo couldn't pay the bill So Romee-owed what Julie ate ("ett").
— public joke corpus
How did the person take over the remote? He asked for remote CONTROLS!
— public joke corpus
Why did the kid throw the watch out the window? So time would fly.
— public joke corpus
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15."
— public joke corpus
Did you hear about the tree that made an Ash of itself?
— public joke corpus
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.
— public joke corpus
Always keep several "get well" cards on the mantle. That way, if unexpected guests arrive they will think you have been sick and unable to clean.
— public joke corpus
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him. "Yes," she replied readily. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all."
— public joke corpus
Q: What's weirder than a talking dog? A: A spelling bee!
— public joke corpus
Knock Knock Who's there Z Z who? Z taxi is leaving! I don't speak Italian or French or anything of your so-called "Special" Language!*Slams door*
— public joke corpus
Child: Mum, can I wear those really nice jeans with the hole in the knee to church? Mother: No honey, you can't wear holy jeans to church!
— public joke corpus
man's business trip is cancelled and he is at home with a rather nervous wife. They go to bed, but about midnight, the phone rings.The man rolls over and answered..."Hello?""What?""How the hell should I know, I live in Phoenix."He hangs up and his wife asks, "Who was it dear?""Just some idiot who wanted to know if the coast was clear!"
— public joke corpus
Our lips touched, then she crossed her legs and broke my glasses.
— public joke corpus
The squirrel's eyes widened as he tried to move but froze when he realized........ He'd buried the wrong nuts!
— public joke corpus
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
— public joke corpus
Q. What always stays hot inside a refridgerator? A. Salsa!
— public joke corpus
The cop got out of his and walked up to the kid who was stopped for speeding. He rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
— public joke corpus
What did the robot say to the centipede? Stop being a centipede!!!................................ its funny cause the robot doesnt have any legs
— public joke corpus
A woman goes for her pelvic exam. While the doctor is doing the exam, he notices bikini tan lines, and she has sandals on that say "hecho en mexico" (made in mexico). So he casually asks her, "So did you enjoy your trip to Mexico?" She sits up a little and stares at him with this look of disbelief. "You can tell that just from a pelvic exam?!?!?"
— public joke corpus