Every joke I've kept

Two criminals stole a calendar. They got six months each

— upjoke.com

Dr. Samuel Johnson, author of the first great dictionary of English language, was visited by a delegation of respectable ladies of London. “Dr Johnson,” they said, “we congratulate you for omitting all indecent or obscene words from your dictionary.” “Ladies,” said Dr. Johnson, “I congratulate you for looking them up.”

— upjoke.com

What word is spelled wrong on every dictionary. Wrong

— upjoke.com

What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s

— upjoke.com

If the earth really is flat. Wouldn't cats have pushed everything off the edge by now?

— upjoke.com

The Earth's surface is 70% water. That water is uncarbonated. Therefore, the Earth is flat.

— upjoke.com

Someone asked me about my background and I gave a detailed reply, telling him about my education, career, relatives, hopes and dreams. Turns out he just wanted to know what was behind me on our Zoom call.

— upjoke.com

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail, but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

— upjoke.com

What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe? Kilometery Cyrus

— upjoke.com

What's the difference between a race across Asia, and one across Europe? The one across Europe eventually ends because it has a Finnish line

— upjoke.com

I went on a job interview, Interviewer asks, Do you have any experience? Me: Yes, of course, "This is my 20th interview"

— upjoke.com

Fun fact: You can’t breathe correctly while smiling. Just kidding, I made you smile :)

— upjoke.com

A hockey player was asked, 'How many accidents have you had in your career?' The player responded, 'None for sure. I've had two concussions, lost all my front teeth, have had my nose broken four times, but they weren't accidents. The opponents did it on purpose'.

— upjoke.com

if Lays had invented air hockey. it would be just air

— upjoke.com

What do they call Jury Duty in Australia? Didgereedooty

— upjoke.com

What is the longest word in the Spanish language? Goooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllll

— upjoke.com

Here's a joke for the lock pickers. A key that opens any lock is a master key but a lock that opens with any key is a masterlock

— upjoke.com

A scientist took a selfie while he was drinking liquid nitrogen. He was quoted as saying "It was the coolest shot I ever took"

— upjoke.com

What would two termites order at a restaurant? Table for 2

— upjoke.com

Why couldn’t the sailor play cards? Because the captain was standing on the deck

— upjoke.com