Every joke I've kept

What you humans call 'THE APOCALYPSE', I used to call Sunday Dinner! - Archangel, Gabriel

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The female skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo)... The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, "Picabo, ICU".

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A new jewelry store was opening for the first time. On the front of the store, there was a sign that said "Popular Prices". A man looked at the sign and walked right in. He asked the employee at the desk, "How much for that pearl necklace?" "14,000 dollars." "What? How are those popular prices?" The employee replied meekly, "We like 'em."

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Women blink nearly twice as much as men. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest its self. The largest fish is the whale shark-it can be over 50 feet long and weigh 2 tons. The only continent without native reptiles or snakes is Antarctica.

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Q - What do barbed wire and a thong have in common? A - Both protect the property, but neither obstruct the view.

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This summer, I went on a trip to Houston. I needed to go really badly, so I stopped behind a tree. A minute later, I darted out being chased by a hungry squirrel. He wanted some nuts.

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A woman gets into a cab and gives the cab driver an address all the way across town. When they arrive, the woman says, "I have no money."The cabbie says, "I have to get paid."The woman raises her dress and asks, "Will this do?"The cabbie says, "Don't you have anything smaller?"

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I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

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Q. Where does a fish like to sleep? A. In a river bed!

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Four-year-old Robert tells his kindergarten teacher that he has a new baby brother, called Spot. "Spot?" says the teacher. "Are you sure it's not a puppy your Dad bought you?" Robert was adamant that his brother's name was Spot - until next morning, when he issued a correction. "Actually, it's Mark."

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How many George Walter Bushes does it take to change a lightbulb? Luckily, only 2. The world can't handle many more idiots.

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According to the news, Michael Jackson is broke and can't even afford the payroll at Neverland Ranch. So the next time you see Michael with his hands in a 12-year-old's pocket, he might just be looking for lunch money

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A dog walks into an employment agency and says "I'd like to get a job please.". The guy at the employment agency says "Wow, you could easily get a job at the circus with your talents." The dog replys "What would the circus want with a plumber?"

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Q: Why did Bill Clinton quit playing the saxophone? A: Because he decided to play the hormonica

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If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one great education!

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What did the spaghetti say to the other spaghetti? Pasta la vista, baby!

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An old Chinese couple is lying in bed late one night. The Old man turns to his wife and says, "I want 69!"The old women looks confused, and then asks, "Why you want beef and broccoli now?"

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Why did the pencil cross the road? It was lead!

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Bad news: A man fell out of an airplane Good news: He had a parachute Bad news: The parachute didn't work Good news: There was a haystack beneath him Bad news: There was a pitchfork in the haystack Good news: He missed the pitchfork Bad news: He missed the haystack

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A six-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair. "Don't be angry at your sister," the mother says. "She doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts." A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate. This time the sister is bawling, and her brother says, "Now she knows."

— public joke corpus