"I'm going to punch your house until you come out and talk to me!" ~ Guy who invented 'knocking'.
— upjoke.com
Every joke I've kept
Surf instead →allone-liners 4222misc 1013animal 458classic 417general 345puns 264children 219at-work 211light-bulbs 191sports 153food 126programming 121money 100knock-knock 91medical 76science 55math 48bar 41music 41tech 40college 26family-parents 18men 18blonde-jokes 15computers 10crazy-jokes 9heaven-and-hell 9business 7deep-thoughts 7military 6one-liner 6women 6holidays 5police-jokes 5bar-jokes 3food-jokes 3idiots 3blind-jokes 2dad 2ethnic-jokes 2farmers 2ocean 2office-jokes 2old-age 2school 2state-jokes 1
Why is Google Chrome like a submarine? They tend to get a little slow if you open too many windows.
— upjoke.com
My friend just gave me a presentation on why I should invest in his sword making business. He made some excellent points.
— upjoke.com
What’s it called when a tractor waits for a pedestrian to cross? Crop yield
— upjoke.com
Q. What's the best kind of triangle to ask out on a date? A. Acute Triangle
— upjoke.com
How do you make a trombone sound like a French Horn? Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.
— upjoke.com
Where is the best dentist for walruses? Tuscaloosa
— upjoke.com
Doctor: “Sir, I have some bad news, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”. Me: “and?”
— upjoke.com
I tripped and hit my head on a snare drum. I think I have a percussion.
— upjoke.com
I got kicked out of school for playing an instrument. I got band
— upjoke.com
I almost lost my job as a DJ at a country music station I accidentally played the same three songs for five hours. Fortunately, our listeners didn't seem to notice.
— upjoke.com
How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music? They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.
— upjoke.com
What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.
— upjoke.com
Used to have this drama teacher who always said “raising your hand was a waste of time”. He was hands down the weirdest teacher I’ve ever had.
— upjoke.com
Yttrium-barium-copper oxide walks into a bar The bartender tells him, "We don't serve superconductors here." He leaves without resistance.
— upjoke.com
What do you call an airship made up of lights? An LED Zeppelin
— upjoke.com
I have a great joke about social anxiety. Who am I kidding? You'll hate it.
— upjoke.com
I like my anxiety like I like my distancing: Social, behind a mask, and away from people.
— upjoke.com
There's a little-known, but foolproof defense against sharks. Sharks will only attack you if you're wet.
— upjoke.com
I made an outfit from asphalt. I'm going for the street look.
— upjoke.com