A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS: "I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."
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Aoccdrnig to rscheearch codnutced at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,it deosn't mttaer waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are tpyed,the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit oedrer. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey ltteer by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
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An eight year old girl tried checking a book out of the library, entitled 'Advice for Young Mothers'. The librarian, being a typically nosey and puritanical librarian, asked, "Why do you want to check out this particular book, dear?" The little girl replied, "Because I collect moths."
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What did Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented? Lil Caesars
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How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb??? None, they will just have there robot do it.
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Joe: Hi Jack. How did you like horseback riding? Jack: Not that much. The problem was that the horse was too polite. Joe: Polite? Jack: Yep. When we reached the fence he let me go over first.
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Officer: "And you still insist you're innocent, in spite of the fact that we have six witnesses to the crime ?" Offender: "If it's witnesses you want, I can produce seventy people who didn't see me steal the stuff."
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Antarctica is the driest, coldest, windiest and highest continent on earth. Panama is the only place in the world that you can see the sun rise on the Pacific and set on the Atlantic. The only lighthouse to use electricity was the Statue of Liberty. A honey bee can fly up to 15 m.p.h.
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A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch."I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said."What's your secret for a long happy life?""I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and neverexercise.""That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?""Twenty-six," he said.
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Poise: the ability to continue speaking fluently while the other fellow is picking up the cheque.
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Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out, man.
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A DHCP packet walks into a bar and asks for a beer. Bartender says, "here, but I’ll need that back in an hour!"
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What was a more important invention than the first telephone? The second one.
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What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
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This is the epitaph on the gravestone of an army mule: Here lies Maggie, who in her time kicked two colonels, four majors, ten captains, twenty-four lieutenants, forty-two sergeants, four hundred eighty-six privates, and one bomb.
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Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
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Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts.
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The only thing truly free of charge is a dead battery.
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What do you call a a bunch of fish swimming in the sky?? A High School!!!
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Jack told me you told him that I told you that he was ugly, and I told you not to tell him I told you that! It's his fault! I told him not to tell you I told him what you told me! Well, don't let it happen again--and don't tell him I told you he told me.
— public joke corpus