Every joke I've kept

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

— public joke corpus

How did the aliens hurt the farmer? They trod on his corn.

— public joke corpus

Change the position of just one of the words below so that all the words are in an alphabetical sequence: llama phoenix hyena alligator beaver elephant tortoise antelope Antelope. Move it from the end to the beginning, the initial letters will then spell ALPHABET!

— public joke corpus

Maybe it's true that life begins at 40. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget. Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

— public joke corpus

To make a long story short, well, it helps if the boss walks in!

— public joke corpus

I drive way too fast to worry about my cholesterol.

— public joke corpus

When I was younger I hated going to weddings ...it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

— public joke corpus

Why did the 12 watt lightbulb drop out of school? It wasn't very bright.

— public joke corpus

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

— public joke corpus

Joe was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense. "They should not put up such misleading notices," said Joe. "It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE."

— public joke corpus

What do you get when the post office burns down? A case of black mail.

— public joke corpus

Little four-year-old Jenny was looking at her new baby brother for the first time. He was fast asleep. After staring at her tiny, motionless baby brother for a few minutes, Jenny looked up at her mother and asked plaintively, "Didn't he come with batteries?"

— public joke corpus

I believe in evolution and if you don't I will let you meet my relatives.... Then you'll believe me

— public joke corpus

Q: Why are cats similar to sentences? A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws; a sentence has pause at the end of its clause.

— public joke corpus

Of course you know they have changed the look of twenty dollar bills recently. What happens to the old ones? Bill Gates gets them!

— public joke corpus

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong; she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

— public joke corpus

What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food? "Let us prey."

— public joke corpus

Why did our founding fathers expressed equality, but the constitution says people born in other countries can't be president?

— public joke corpus

Why do people say "This is the first day of the rest of your life"? Isn't that true about everyday unless you die that day?

— public joke corpus

What did the tie say to the hat? You go on a head, I'll just hang around.

— public joke corpus