Every joke I've kept

Whats a cat's favorite cereal?? Mice Crispies

— upjoke.com

I wish my cereal didn't get soggy so fast. But Life is often disappointing.

— upjoke.com

What is Gepetto's favorite cereal? I know you think it's Pinnochi-o's, but it's actually Cheerios. They're whittle o's. Though I guess both woodwork.

— upjoke.com

Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss-a-Brie? I cheddar the world and the feta cheese, everybody’s looking for Stilton.

— upjoke.com

What's the fastest liquid on earth? Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.

— upjoke.com

My uncle has the heart of a lion, the eyes of a hawk, and the legs of a cheetah. He's also a trained taxidermist

— upjoke.com

How do you comfort a grieving sushi chef? Wasabi for your loss.

— upjoke.com

If a sheep is in control of a country, it will be called. A dictatorsheep

— upjoke.com

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork. Paddy says, “Are you on foot or in the car?” Billy says, “In the car.” Paddy says, “That’s the quickest way.”

— upjoke.com

I was reading a book when my 5yo cousin asked "why is that book so thick?" Then i told him "its a long story"

— upjoke.com

It must be tough for a comedian at a cricket club. He gets the same reaction whether he bowls them over or stumps them.

— upjoke.com

I spent £80 taking my son to see the cricket today. Eighty quid and all it did was hop about and chirrup.

— upjoke.com

Halfway to my dream of being a criminal lawyer! Now I just have to work on the lawyer part.

— upjoke.com

When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back

— upjoke.com

What is the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle.

— upjoke.com

If I had a dime for every time I lost something between the couch cushions... I would probably lose those between the couch cushions too.

— upjoke.com

Customer: Waiter, I’m in a hurry! Will the pancakes be long? Waiter: No sir, round.

— upjoke.com

When is it legal to trick people to go into massive debt to pay for a useless thing with no refund? When you're selling a bachelor degree in sophistry.

— upjoke.com

I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth today. Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent

— upjoke.com

I once abused someone with a dictionary... The judge didn't know whether to charge me with verbal or physical assault

— upjoke.com