Every joke I've kept

I’m tearing out pages of the dictionary. I’m up to Mischief.

— upjoke.com

How is a thrown dictionary similar to birds flying south for winter? They’re both flying information.

— upjoke.com

Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime. It's just another day at the United States Bureau of Engraving and Printing.

— upjoke.com

Fact. Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence, often goes undetected.

— upjoke.com

After some investigation, I discovered some cracks in the hearth of my fireplace. In other words, it’s having a mantle breakdown

— upjoke.com

I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday, I beat the raining champion.

— upjoke.com

What’s a three letter word that starts with gas? Car

— upjoke.com

I visited my granddaughter last weekend. I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st century", she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.". Well I can tell you this, that fly never knew what hit him.

— upjoke.com

Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law. It took half a century but Hippies finally won.

— upjoke.com

My life peaked when I got to fly a helicopter. Unfortunately its been a downward spiral ever since.

— upjoke.com

I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means. What a legend.

— upjoke.com

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.

— upjoke.com

Andy’s Mom in Toy Story probably has toys too. They may even be called Woody and Buzz.

— upjoke.com

Why is the ocean so salty? Because the land doesn't wave back.

— upjoke.com

Why are clams so hard to see on the bottom of the ocean? They’re clamouflaged.

— upjoke.com

A company owner was asked a question, How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?" He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."

— upjoke.com

I got hit in the head with a can of Dr. Pepper today. Luckily I’m not hurt, it was a soft drink

— upjoke.com

I was walking past a building site when the guy hammering the roof called me a "paranoid little weirdo" In morse code

— upjoke.com

Why are Jedi so bad at rugby? Because there is no try.

— upjoke.com

how do you get from sweden to russia? you cross the finnish line

— upjoke.com