Every joke I've kept

Always be smarter than the inanimate object that you're working with.

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How Can You Tell If a Man's a Redneck?

If he concentrates on the bottle because it says, "from concentrate!"

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One day a blonde is hiking in the woods. She follows the trail until she comes upon a river. As she is thinking how she can get across the river; another blonde appears on the opposite side.The blonde yells to the other blonde "How do I get to the other side?"The other blonde looks up and then down the river and yells back:"You are on the other side!"

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Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.

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How do you get an epheopian in a phonebox?PUT A TIN OF BEENS IN THEREHow do you get em out?RUN PAST WITH A CAN OPENER

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A person soon learns how little he knows when a child begins to ask questions.

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To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog. The CAT

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There was a dyslexic insomniac agnostic. He laid awake all night wondering if there really was a Dog.

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Jack was summoned by the Disciplinarian where his son, Tracey was enrolled. Tracey always throw stones at his playmates and he never missed. Jack replied to the Disciplinarian : Sir, please look at the bright side. My son will grow up to be a very effective baseball pitcher.

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Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? A. Nobody knows. It's never been tried.

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Lady : Is this my train? Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company. Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean, can I take this train to Kuala Lumpur? Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

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Knock knock Who's there? can't catch. can't catch who? me, you can't catch me!

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Did you know Jennifer Lopez use toeat 2 gallons of ice cream a day?It's all BEHIND her now!

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A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"The housewife replies: "Four!".The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?

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Women like silent men - they think they're listening.

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What did one snowman say to the other snow man? Do you smell carrot?

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What do fish paint with? Water colours!

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My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will? What will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

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Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

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