Why did the budget division tell the paper in rock, paper, scissors they were getting rid of it? “Because budget cuts, paper”
— upjoke.com
Every joke I've kept
Surf instead →allone-liners 4222misc 1013animal 458classic 417general 345puns 264children 219at-work 211light-bulbs 191sports 153food 126programming 121money 100knock-knock 91medical 76science 55math 48bar 41music 41tech 40college 26family-parents 18men 18blonde-jokes 15computers 10crazy-jokes 9heaven-and-hell 9business 7deep-thoughts 7military 6one-liner 6women 6holidays 5police-jokes 5bar-jokes 3food-jokes 3idiots 3blind-jokes 2dad 2ethnic-jokes 2farmers 2ocean 2office-jokes 2old-age 2school 2state-jokes 1
I left my partner for a calculator. I needed someone I could count on
— upjoke.com
Do you know who created fractions? I think it was Henry the 1/8.
— upjoke.com
A scientist announced he managed to cool something down to absolute zero. It was 0K.
— upjoke.com
Hey girl, are you a broken compass? Because I’m not really sure where I’m going with this
— upjoke.com
If shotgun slugs are inside shotgun shells... Does that make them shotgun snails?
— upjoke.com
What is the most influential culture in the world? Agriculture.
— upjoke.com
I always take life with a grain of salt... Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.
— upjoke.com
What do you call a musician who carries grain for living? Hall n' oates.
— upjoke.com
If a tree falls..... A tree falls in the forest but doesn't make a sound. Hunter in camouflage gear: "WHAT THE HECK???!" Tree: "I mean, AAAAAARGH, I fell!"
— upjoke.com
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say. "Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!"
— upjoke.com
My bank account was hacked!!! The hacker was so disappointed, he started a fundraiser for me.
— upjoke.com
Detective 1: I think the accountant did it. I found a calculator at the crime scen. Detective 2: that adds up
— upjoke.com
What do you call an iron/carbon alloy that never gets embarrassed? Shameless steel
— upjoke.com
A man calls the First National Bank of Texas. The automated voice answers, "Hello, how can I assist you today?" The man says, "Withdrawal" The automated voice says, "YEEHAW! HOW Y'ALL RECKON I CAN HELP?!"
— upjoke.com
Time Flies Like an Arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
— upjoke.com
I don’t like blunt arrow heads. They are pointless.
— upjoke.com
A man escaped from a bear only with a bow in hand. But his friend who got an arrow in the knee was not as lucky.
— upjoke.com
I just watched an Australian cooking show and the audience cheered when the chef made meringue. I was surprised...usually Australians boo meringue.
— upjoke.com
You can never enjoy a game of Chess against an Australian. Everytime he checks, you'll think he's won the game.
— upjoke.com