Every joke I've kept

What do you call two thieves? A pair of knickers!

— public joke corpus

The assistant curator of the musuem came to the head curator with a couple of problems. "Sir, the mummy is damp and getting mouldy. And the white mouse in the maze exhibit has developed dry skin." The head curator thought for a minute, then advised, "Put your mummy where your mouse is."

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One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?" "Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

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What do you give to a lemon in need? Lemonaid.

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Knock-Knock! Who's there? Chugga Chugga Chooch Chugga Chugga Chooch Who? Wheeee!! A train! All aboard!

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Q: What do you call a schizophrenic Buddhist? A: Someone who is at two with the universe.

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A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doin?" his mother asked; "you can't eat them if the seal is broken." The boy explained, "I'm looking for the seal."

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What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?They're hiring.

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Q. What's long and green and smells like pork?A. Kermit the frog's finger.

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If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

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Why wasn't the giraffe invited to the party? He was a pain in the neck to talk to.

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What do the Star Ship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons.

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Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

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Q:Why did the blond stare at the orange juice box?A:Because it said "...Concentrate..."

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Fool me once shame on you Fool me twice shame on me Fool me thrice you are not nice Fool me four times and I am gonna cap your sorry ass.

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When I worked in the tourist industry in Florida, we got to wear some of the buttons that were for sale. My favorite read : We love serving tourists; I like mine well done!

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Do you think god gets stoned? I do. Look at the platypus! -Robin Williams

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What do you do if you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

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A little boy and his older sister were building paper airplanes when his sister said, "We should stop building planes now and play with the ones we've got. We don't need to waste any more paper." "Why?" "Because if we use too much paper we'll lose all the trees, and everyone will die.." "Because we don't have any paper?"

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Why are mummys scared of vacation? They're afraid to unwind.

— public joke corpus