Every joke I've kept

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.

— onelinefun.com

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

— onelinefun.com

Everyone has a photographic memory, some don't have film.

— onelinefun.com

It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.

— onelinefun.com

I'll be doing a book signing today at Barnes & Noble from 2pm until they kick me out for writing in random books.

— onelinefun.com

How do you know when Santa's in the room? You can sense his presents.

— onelinefun.com

I'm at the age where I have to make a noise when I bend over. It's the law.

— onelinefun.com

Why doesn't the bike stand by itself? Because it's two tired.

— onelinefun.com

Becoming a father is easy enough, but being one can be very rough.

— onelinefun.com

Shouldn't you be on top of the tree, Angel?

— onelinefun.com

Wouldn't exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?

— onelinefun.com

What's the most dangerous part of a motorcycle? The nut that connects the seat to the handlebar.

— onelinefun.com

I've opened three birthday cards and I'm already $150 up. I love being a postman!

— onelinefun.com

Definition of Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

— onelinefun.com

Teacher: "Are you sleeping in my class?" Student: "Well now I´m not but if you could be a little quieter I could."

— onelinefun.com

I tried to catch some fog, I mist.

— onelinefun.com

I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

— onelinefun.com

I changed my password to "incorrect", so anytime I forget and enter the wrong thing, the computer tells me what it is.

— onelinefun.com

If what you don't know can't hurt you, you're invulnerable.

— onelinefun.com

When I get a dog I'm going to name him five miles so I can say I walk five miles every day.

— onelinefun.com