Every joke I've kept

What goes after USA? USB.

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A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, whom I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours." The banker said, "Yes, he certainly was trusted, and he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

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"So what's your dog's name?" "I don't know. He won't tell me."

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Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!!!"

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Q: What do you call a group of blondes in a circle?A: A dope ring!!

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Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: A tree in a golden forest. A: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it. A: One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is Four. One to change the bulb. A:None. Zen masters carry their own light.

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once a women was in her home and she heard someone go knock-knock. she said, who's their and the voice said tisha the women said tisha who the voice said tisha me my abcs and she was like is that a ghost. the voice said, i'm your cousin and it was a knock-knock joke. oh the woman said

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Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

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A man is walking down the street. Further down the street he notices Little Johnny. Little Johnny is sitting in a red wagon, wearing a fireman's hat. The wagon is tied to a dog, by its balls. The man says to LittleJohnny "Little Johnny you could go alot further, if you tied the rope around the dogs neck." Little Johnny replies "If I did that, I wouldn't have a siren"

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How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, it turned itself in.

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Why did the burglar hang his mugshot on the wall? To prove that he was framed!

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Can you decipher this phrase? ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ 2 Mistletoe! (Miss L two.)

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Why does Santa have 3 gardens? So he can ho ho ho.

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Q. How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. None. It's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark. Don't worry about me...

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Q: How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb? A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.

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Sometimes, I get so sleepy that I fall asleep at my keyboa-----hogasvfbhjhfaokL;'GRUHIKMUIHGDFJSJIKkljhvLD ;YWEHKJF,HCsssljga lrsaio.ra;ugsrol,.k,ijhekng0ljr

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Lipstick; (noun) On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear!

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Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

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Your dad's bald spot is so big you could draw an H on it and call it a helicopter landing pad.

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What do you call cheese by itself? Provolone.

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