Every joke I've kept

If the opposite of pro is con, isn't the opposite of progress, congress?

— public joke corpus

My doctor says I have insomnia, but I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.

— public joke corpus

Q: What is big and grey and comes in quarts? A: An elephant.

— public joke corpus

DOCTOR: "Do you smoke or drink?" PATIENT: "I didn't know I had a choice."

— public joke corpus

Question: If the world was a jacket where would the people from the ghetto go? Answer:In da Hood!

— public joke corpus

"Your late teeing off, Fred." "Yup, well being Sunday I had to toss a coin to see if I should go to church, or to play golf" "But why are you so late?" "I had to toss for it fifteen times!"

— public joke corpus

JCPenny blowdryer: do not use while sleeping ********** caution: hot chocolate may be hot **********

— public joke corpus

Why can't Osama sleep with any of his 5 wives? Because all he sees is bush.

— public joke corpus

Teacher: "Simon! What does it mean if the barometer falls?" Simon: "Err.. The nail's come out of the wall, miss?"

— public joke corpus

Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

— public joke corpus

"Doctor doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!" "I'll deal with you later!"

— public joke corpus

That sometimes when you cry, no one sees your tears. Sometimes when you're sad, no one understands your pain. Sometimes when you're happy, no one sees your smile. But you just have to fart once, and EVERYBODY knows.

— public joke corpus

There once was a bus staion named Ureliar (You-Really- Are), a man went to the station and waited for his train, he waited and a man came up to him and said,"Hey,my name is Emabuthed (I'm-A-Butt-Head), what's the name of the station?" "Ureliar?" replied the man.

— public joke corpus

I've been following the ongoing Evolution vs Intelligent Design controversy, and as a card-carrying botanist, I'm a very strong supporter of Darwin. But still, there are things in life that rational science simply cannot explain. Like Paris Hilton...

— public joke corpus

Life isn't fair. I went to my boss with a note from my doctor stating that I have multiple personalities. Now I do three different jobs and still only get one paycheck!!.

— public joke corpus

Q: why did the blonde return the scarf?A: It was too tight.

— public joke corpus

Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: ''Oh wow, is it like dark, man?''

— public joke corpus

Knock-Knock Who's There? Rita Rita who? Rita book, you might learn something!

— public joke corpus

Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!

— public joke corpus

Here is a fragment of a crossword puzzle. P _ O _ _ _ Clue: Something that is often brown and hard to clean. Answer: Poodle.

— public joke corpus