Every joke I've kept

In a few minutes, a hypnotist convinced me that I’m a metal with atomic number 82. Turns out I’m ....easily lead.

— upjoke.com

I saw two kids damaging my front lawn with a network device. So I modem down.

— upjoke.com

What’s the difference between a musician and a pizza? One can feed a family.

— upjoke.com

what did the archer ask the pepper? "do you habanero?" I thought of this tonight making dinner. I'm sure someone has thought of this before me, but figured I would share anyway.

— upjoke.com

People keep telling me that I'm a condescending person. ( That means I talk down to people. )

— upjoke.com

I told my old classmate at our 10-year reunion that I'm a writer. "Oh yeah?" he asks. "Have you sold anything yet?" I said, "Sure. My house, my car, and all my stuff."

— upjoke.com

"You have a reminder set for 5pm today," my phone said. "A reminder? What is it?" I asked. "It's a notification to ensure you don't forget something, but that's not important right now," the phone replied. Then I remembered I'd left it in Airplane mode.

— upjoke.com

What’s the difference between a physicist and a physician? A physicist is busy before firing a catapult; the physician is busy after.

— upjoke.com

I went out in a thunderstorm carrying a metal pipe. What happened next shocked me

— upjoke.com

Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you'll hear Satan. Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.

— upjoke.com

I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes. But thats Heinz sight.

— upjoke.com

You should respect people who wear glasses. They paid money to see you.

— upjoke.com

A grizzly walks to the checkout line with salmon and honey. The clerk says, "Gotcha. Just the bear necessities."

— upjoke.com

What is a flat earther's least favorite flavor of gum? Spheremint

— upjoke.com

Ebay needs to step their game up. I searched for a cigarette lighter and 15,000 matches came up.

— upjoke.com

People are always asking me 'how deep can a submarine dive'... And I always answer 'all the way to the ocean floor'. The trick really is coming back up again.

— upjoke.com

When I was young, I thought rich people owned Bose music systems and the rest of us had Sony products. Turns out those were just stereotypes.

— upjoke.com

I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players... The servers are currently down...

— upjoke.com

A Serbian tennis player walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of Djok?"

— upjoke.com

What makes a good tongue-twister? Well, it's hard to say...

— upjoke.com