Every joke I've kept

Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.

— public joke corpus

A man went to a restaurant and ordered a steak with baked potato. About halfway through dinner he called the waitress over and said, "Ma'am, this potato is bad." She nodded, picked up the potato, and smacked it. Then she put it back on his plate and said, "Sir, if that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know."

— public joke corpus

My friend works in a post office. One day, a man handed ten postcards to my friend and ask her to put them in the mailbox. She noticed that they had all been addressed but none of them contained a message, so she asked the man why the postcards nothing written on them. The man said, "I told everyone that I'd send postcards, but I didn't say I'd write a message."

— public joke corpus

Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Billions and billions.

— public joke corpus

Covina, Calif: I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, "I led the pigeons to the flag." Cleveland, Ohio: When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know - "I pledge allegiance to the flag and to the Republic for Richard Stands."

— public joke corpus

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

— public joke corpus

Computers will never be completely "Idiot Proof" because Idiots continue to be so resourceful.

— public joke corpus

Want to know a dirty joke? A white horse falls into a mud puddle. Wanna know a clean joke? The horse takes a shower.

— public joke corpus

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs.

— public joke corpus

What's the difference between a Scot and Mick Jagger? Mick Jagger sang "Hey, you, get offa my cloud." The Scot says "Hey, McCloud, get offa my ewe."

— public joke corpus

Q: Why DIDN`T the skull cross the road? A: Because he didn`t have the guts!

— public joke corpus

One day, at lunch at an elementary school, the cafeteria was serving swiss cheese. A little girl received her meal and was disgusted by it. "Miss lunch lady," she said at the end of the line, "I don't like the holes in my cheese." "That's okay," she said. "Just eat around them and leave them on your plate."

— public joke corpus

A dyslexic cop is severely reprimanded by his captain because the spelling on his police reports is incomprehensible. "How can you expect anyone to read this! If you file just one more report with any and I mean *ANY* words misspelled, you are going on report!" screams the captain.

— public joke corpus

antique-an item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again.

— public joke corpus

Drink apple juice, because O.J. will kill you. (O.J. = Orange Juice)

— public joke corpus

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it

— public joke corpus

An IPv6 packet is walking out of the house. He goes nowhere.

— public joke corpus

Why do you Drive on the Parkway but Park on the Driveway?

— public joke corpus

Bought the wife a hamster fur coat for her birthday, she was delighted with it. We went to the fair; took me 4 hours to get her off the big wheel!

— public joke corpus

Q. Where do Comedians go if they are sick? A. To the He-He-Mergency room!

— public joke corpus