Every joke I've kept

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

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(A continuation of Joke #7939 Idiot #9 - - - - - - A woman called the cops from her house and said, "My ex-boyfriend stole my pot!" So the police went to the ex-boyfriends house, took the marijuana, and arrested him. The same officer went to the woman's house and asked her to identify if it was her pot. She confirmed it was hers, and was taken away in the police car.

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A blind man and his dog go into the supermarket and then the blind man takes his dog by the collar and starts to swing him around over his head, knocking things off the shelves. The manager comes up to the blind man and asks "excuse me sir, can I help you?" the blind man answers "no thanks, I'm just looking around".

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Opera: where somebody gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, sings.

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Murphy's Law of Cable TV If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.

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And my FAVORITE...... The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

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"So, how did you do?" the boss asked his new salesman after his first day on the road. "All I got were two orders." "What were they? Anything good?" "Nope," the salesman replied. "They were 'Get out!' and 'Stay out!"

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Why did the programmer's wife leave him? He didn't know how to commit.

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Laundromat sign: Automatic Washing Machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

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Q. Have you heard about the new 'Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex? A. They're called Predicaments

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What crackers do firemen like in their soup? Firecrackers!

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How many Existentialists does it take to change a light bulb? What light bulb?

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"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?" "Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."

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You see, mountains aren't just funny. They are hill areas.

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What's black and white and makes a lot of noise? A zebra with a drum.

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A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking. The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?" The husband replies, "Autumn."

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What's the difference between a bird and a fly? Well, a bird can fly . . .

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What is the similarity between Einstein and Newton? Neither of them ever had a mobile phone!

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I was in Target the other day, shopping with a young lady friend. We were walking past the furniture section where there were several different models of bar stools on display. Next to them there was a sign that read: "All models in stock now!" So I paused next to the display and said, "Do you know what these are?" "What?" she asked. I said, "Stool samples."

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Why did the half blind man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well!

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