Every joke I've kept

I was gonna tell you a joke about UDP... ...but you might not get it.

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Whenever I have to go up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator because one time i was on an escalator and I tripped... So i was falling for an hour and a half.

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You know something is wrong with today's educational system when you figure out that of the three R's, reading, writing, and arithmetic, only one actually starts with an R.

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What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.

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1. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 2. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement. 3. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

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Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? A: One drunk Irishman

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This little boy asked his mother one day why his father had no hair. His mother replied, "Well dear, that's because he thinks alot." Having prided herself with coming up with such a wonderful answer she heard her son say, "Gee mommy I'm sure glad you don't think 'cause you'd look funny with no hair!"

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The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

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"Hey Sam!" exclaimed Jim, meeting a buddy for the first time since the war's end. "Did you marry that girl you were dating a while back or are you still doing your own cooking and ironing?""Yes," replied Sam.

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El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries. A freighter bound for Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in a particularly violent storm and sank 65 times.

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"Wow," said Joan after she saw that her friend got glasses. "You like my new glasses?", asked Peter. "Yep. They make you look really smart.", replied Joan. "I know. That's what my mom said. That's why I wear them in math class."

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Teacher: If you stood with your back to the north and faced due south, what would be on your left hand? Lisa: Fingers

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Q.What is the speed limit for sex? A. 68, at 69 you have to turn around!

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Q: How many presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb? A: Fewer and fewer all the time.

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A shark is the only animal that can blink both eyes. A snail can sleep for three years. A crocodile cannot move its tongue.

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A man was solving a crossword. For a four-letter word there was a clue: Look at the picture ! The man entered: I see .

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Q: How many FBI agents does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'm afraid that you are not able to receive this classified information.

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Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb? A: 101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change light bulbs too.

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Why Does a Duck Cross the Street?

Why does a duck cross the street? Because it was the chicken's and turkey's day off.

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Rich and Kim, a couple, were in a room when Kim asked Rich if he would ever forget her. He replied that he would never forget her. Then she said, "Knock-knock!" and, of course, Rich said, "Who's there?" "See!" she exclaimed sulkily. "You have forgotten already."

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