I have the talent of doing math with any blade. Mostly long division.
— upjoke.com
Every joke I've kept
Surf instead →allone-liners 4222misc 1013animal 458classic 417general 345puns 264children 219at-work 211light-bulbs 191sports 153food 126programming 121money 100knock-knock 91medical 76science 55math 48bar 41music 41tech 40college 26family-parents 18men 18blonde-jokes 15computers 10crazy-jokes 9heaven-and-hell 9business 7deep-thoughts 7military 6one-liner 6women 6holidays 5police-jokes 5bar-jokes 3food-jokes 3idiots 3blind-jokes 2dad 2ethnic-jokes 2farmers 2ocean 2office-jokes 2old-age 2school 2state-jokes 1
Before the surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle... It was an ether/oar situation.
— upjoke.com
What do you call the doctor who graduates at the bottom of the class? Doctor
— upjoke.com
How did Harry Potter make it to the bottom of the hill? By walking... jk rolling
— upjoke.com
What makes bows so accurate? Arrowdynamics.
— upjoke.com
I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once. It’s a four loaf cleaver
— upjoke.com
If you wanted to make pickle bread, you'd have to start out with dill dough.
— upjoke.com
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.
— upjoke.com
I woke up late one morning so I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water. I got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
— upjoke.com
How is a meditating monk and a fiber-optic cable similar? Total internal reflection.
— upjoke.com
I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.
— upjoke.com
Danger is my middle name. but Safety first.
— upjoke.com
I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right back, way too expensive and really bad quality
— upjoke.com
Now that everyone carries a decent camera with them... Where did all of the U.F.O's go?
— upjoke.com
Where did Captain Hook buy his hook at? The second hand store.
— upjoke.com
My car mechanic called me and said, “You can pick up your car by 5 p.m.”. I said, “I don’t think I’ll be strong enough by then.”
— upjoke.com
A shopper at the supermarket went to a cashier to check out. He was in a hurry, trying to rush the groceries through and pack his cart at the same time. Then, in his haste, he accidentally tripped on the cart and fell headfirst onto the cashier's barcode scanner. The look on his face was priceless.
— upjoke.com
What scares a caterpillar? A dog-erpillar! (From a 3rd grader at dismissal yesterday!)
— upjoke.com
What do you get when you cross a cave with a snippy person? A sar-chasm
— upjoke.com
How do you sneak up on celery? You stalk it.
— upjoke.com