Every joke I've kept

Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

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Just before Thanksgiving, a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

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If Henry IV were cloned, would he be Henry V, or Henry IV Jr. or, would he be Henry IV Part II? (Willy Wagstaff, more usually known as William Shakespeare)

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You don't have to go faster than the bear, you just have to go faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.

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A woman answered her front door and found Little Johnny and Billy holding a list. "Lady," Johnny explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar." "Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?" "Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."

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Some times when the soap bar in the shower is small enough I like to swipe it thru my butt crack and say " beep! credit card accepted"

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Q: How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb? A: You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again.

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I had a terrible fight with my wife.I said, "You know, you're going to drive me to my grave." In two minutes she had the car in front of the house.

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What is a pirate's favourite branch of the military? The Arrrmy... no, the Navy, he's a pirate!

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Why do you go to a black person's yard sale? To get your stuff back!

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I have a machine which has four cog wheels in constant mesh. The largest cog has 72 teeth and the others have 36, 25 and 15 respectively. How many revolutions must the largest cog make before each of the cogs is back in its starting position? 25 revolutions.

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The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

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ok, If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the Jags, and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers known as Bucs, what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

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Two five year-olds, one Jewish, the other Catholic, are playing in a sandpit. Sean says to David, "Our priest knows more about things than your rabbi!" To which David replies, "Of course he does, you tell him everything."

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After examining his patient, he informed Mr. Jones, "I'm afraid you only have two months left to live. Do you have any requests?""Yes, I'd like a second opinion. ""Fine. I also think you're ugly as sin. "

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Q: How long will it take for a field service engineer to change two dead bulbs? A: They replace your fuse box.

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Why are football stadiums so cool? Because every seat has a fan in it.

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After picking up food for his daughter's cat, George spied a new bowl for the pet and grabbed it too. "Shall I have the cat's name written on the side of the bowl?" offered the store owner. "No, don't bother," replied George. "He can't read anyway."

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A guy went into a bookshop and asked the salesgirl if she had a book called, "How to Master Your Wife."The salesgirl said, "Our science fiction section is upstairs."

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If you are in darkness, then pray to God. If you are still in darkness, then go and pay your electricity bill......

— public joke corpus