Every joke I've kept

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume, she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

— onelinefun.com

My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my tv.

— onelinefun.com

It is very easy to become a superman, you just have to change the sequence of clothes while wearing.

— onelinefun.com

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

— onelinefun.com

Education is important but other stuff is more importanter.

— onelinefun.com

Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.

— onelinefun.com

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

— onelinefun.com

Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow.

— onelinefun.com

Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. I've been doing nothing for years.

— onelinefun.com

Which day do chickens hate the most? Friday.

— onelinefun.com

The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate.

— onelinefun.com

How do you know if someone is hitchhiking or just complimenting your driving?

— onelinefun.com

Best math book never written: "High School Math" by Cal Q. Luss

— onelinefun.com

Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver!

— onelinefun.com

Password looks at itself in the mirror: "Don't listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password."

— onelinefun.com

Failure is not an option—it comes bundled with the software.

— onelinefun.com

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society's way of preparing you for your driver's license photo.

— onelinefun.com

What do ghosts serve for dessert? I Scream.

— onelinefun.com

Teacher: "Which book has helped you the most in your life?" Student: "My father's check book!"

— onelinefun.com

I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love but I also have a cat to remind me that I don't deserve it. It's all about balance.

— onelinefun.com