At the Olympics a man walked up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole. "Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?" "Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"
— upjoke.com
Every joke I've kept
Surf instead →allone-liners 4222misc 1013animal 458classic 417general 345puns 264children 219at-work 211light-bulbs 191sports 153food 126programming 121money 100knock-knock 91medical 76science 55math 48bar 41music 41tech 40college 26family-parents 18men 18blonde-jokes 15computers 10crazy-jokes 9heaven-and-hell 9business 7deep-thoughts 7military 6one-liner 6women 6holidays 5police-jokes 5bar-jokes 3food-jokes 3idiots 3blind-jokes 2dad 2ethnic-jokes 2farmers 2ocean 2office-jokes 2old-age 2school 2state-jokes 1
What is the chemical composition of banana? Barium disodium
— upjoke.com
I've just invented a telepathically controlled air freshener. Makes scents when you think about it.
— upjoke.com
"I've a downloaded copy of Prince Harry's book 'Spare'. Do you wish to read it?" "Is it a pdf file?" "Nope, thats his uncle. A totally different Prince"
— upjoke.com
If you were to ask Rick Astley for his copy of the movie UP he would never give it to you. In doing so, he would let you down. Thus creating the rickroll paradox.
— upjoke.com
Haircuts are great. Because I did none of the work but get all the credit.
— upjoke.com
I have a copy of nearly every Psychology Today magazine ever published. You could say I have a lot of issues.
— upjoke.com
I used to steal comedians' jokes and not credit them. I still do, but I used to, too.
— upjoke.com
Gotta give credit to spiders... They're the only web-developers out there that actually enjoy finding bugs.
— upjoke.com
What's the most common operation in a LEGO hospital? Plastic surgery. [Credits: My 11yo son invented this joke]
— upjoke.com
Why did Jiminy Cricket hide in a seashell? He was hoping to be somebody's Conch-ience.
— upjoke.com
A cricket joke. What does a cricket umpire say while practising in front of the mirror? "I'll show myself out."
— upjoke.com
What do you call a snobby criminal walking down the steps? A condescending con descending.
— upjoke.com
How do detained criminals contact their families? They face time
— upjoke.com
Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters? He cleaned out every crook and nanny.
— upjoke.com
Did you know that the vast majority of convicted criminals are married men? It's the only way they get to finish a sentence.
— upjoke.com
Why don't criminals hang out in front of pubs? Because they usually end up behind bars.
— upjoke.com
What do you call a depressed pair of croissants? Pain au pain.
— upjoke.com
What do you call your mother’s angry French sister? Your croissant
— upjoke.com
How do the crows in Texas greet each other? Yee-caw
— upjoke.com