Every joke I've kept

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

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Did you hear about the magic car? It turned into a driveway!

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How do you know if a dummy has been sending e-mail? You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.

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An active message board with hundreds of topics in which to participate.

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Throwing acid is wrong - in some people's eyes

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What do you say to Mexican with a high salary? Can I have ketchup on those fries?

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SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark? FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write? SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

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If you copy from your textbooks, it's making good use of what you've learnt. If you copy from anywhere else, it's plagiarism.

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What do you call a Canadian fire? A Calgary Flame.

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What's the difference between a teacher and a train? A train goes "chew, chew, chew," and a teacher says, "Spit that gum out!"

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What's the hardest thing about rollerblading? Telling your parents that you are gay.

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Vacation begins when dad says. "I know a shortcut"!

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Q: How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.

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"Some plants," said the teacher, "have the prefix "dog. For instance, there is the dogrose, the dogwood, the dogviolet. Now name another plant prefixed by 'dog'." "I can," shouted a little redhead from the back row, "Collieflower!"

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The lady golfer was a determined, if not very proficient player. At each swipe she made at the ball, earth flew in all directions. "Gracious me," she exclaimed red-faced to her caddie, "the worms will think there's an earthquake." "I don't know," replied the caddie, "the worms round here are very clever. I'll bet most of them are hiding underneath the ball for safety."

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Little Johnny's mother took him to a supermarket to buy some food. "Anything you break comes out of your allowance money!" shouted Johnny's mother. Johnny turned around and said "But you don't give me any allowance money!" "Yes, and now you know why."

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Long ago I gave my kid an iPod. Last year he talked me into buying him an iPhone. This year he said he needed an iPad. I asked what the i- means and he said that's the way Apple name their products. Now he's asking for an i7 laptop. My goodness, Apple have made so many things they've now run out of names!

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Where’s the bin? I haven’t been anywhere!

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Why do C# and Java developers keep breaking their keyboards? Because they use a strongly typed language.

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There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy. "Can I touch it?" "No way -- you already broke yours off!"

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