I got 50 dollars from my mom... She told me to take my brother to the movies, but not to bring him home before 6, so they had time to prepare his surprise birthday party. That's the day I realized he was the favorite twin.
— upjoke.com
Every joke I've kept
Surf instead →allone-liners 4222misc 1013animal 458classic 417general 345puns 264children 219at-work 211light-bulbs 191sports 153food 126programming 121money 100knock-knock 91medical 76science 55math 48bar 41music 41tech 40college 26family-parents 18men 18blonde-jokes 15computers 10crazy-jokes 9heaven-and-hell 9business 7deep-thoughts 7military 6one-liner 6women 6holidays 5police-jokes 5bar-jokes 3food-jokes 3idiots 3blind-jokes 2dad 2ethnic-jokes 2farmers 2ocean 2office-jokes 2old-age 2school 2state-jokes 1
BREAKING: Due to inflation, Dollar Tree will be changing it’s name to Tree Dollar.
— upjoke.com
My friend tries to impress girls by drawing realistic pictures of a Ford F-150. He’s ....a pickup artist.
— upjoke.com
I don't mind my geometry teacher asking me to draw a circle. But to then ask me to turn that circle into two equal parts? That's where I draw the line.
— upjoke.com
I told the waiter my fish was dry. The waiter said they had to take it out of the water.
— upjoke.com
what do you call a sick Eagle? -An illEagle-
— upjoke.com
Why was the sick eagle thrown into prison? It was ill-eagle.
— upjoke.com
What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth? The Crimea River.
— upjoke.com
Can you conquer the largest continent on earth? No, but Genghis Khan!
— upjoke.com
What do you get when you cross elephant DNA with Human DNA? A lifetime ban from the zoo.
— upjoke.com
Why is C the only good letter in the English alphabet? Because the others are Not-Cs
— upjoke.com
It's incredible how many French words are now used in the English language. There's 'Hors D'oeuvres' for starters.
— upjoke.com
Fun fact. Before the invention of the crow bar most crows got drunk at home
— upjoke.com
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered an amazing fact about icebergs... More below.
— upjoke.com
Dinosaur Fact. Towards the end of the Jurassic period, the Thesaurus was the first Dinosaur to become extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.
— upjoke.com
-40° outside sounds brutally cold, Fahrenheit or Celsius. My friend Kelvin just rolled his eyes.
— upjoke.com
I just fired my sioux chef because I found out he lied on his resume. Turns out he's navajo.
— upjoke.com
Fireplace! Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire. That made my father very mad, as we didn’t have a fireplace
— upjoke.com
I saw a rainbow flag covered in seaweed. AlgaeBTQ
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I decided to get tattoos of Italy and France on my chest. Now I have really sore Naples. But other than that, it turned out pretty Nice.
— upjoke.com