Every joke I've kept

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"."Sure do," replied the bartender."Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

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Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach? To keep his nuts warm!

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A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.""Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to yourother ear?""The jerk called back!"

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The first TV remote control, introduced in 1950, was called Lazy Bones. Lemon sharks can give birth to about 36 babies at one time. The top of the Empire State Building was originally built as a place to anchor blimps. The area code in Cape Canaveral, Fl, is 321.

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Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile...

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For all of you who say I need anger management... Just to let you know, if I could control my anger, I'd destroy you with it!

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Where Did You Get that Thing?

A huge black man entered in a bar with a huge and colorful parrot on his shoulder. The bartender was amazed, so he asked "Where did you get that thing?" Then the parrot said, "Well they're walking all over Africa..."

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Q: What did judge say when the skunk came in the court ? A: Odor in the court.

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The teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his new checking account. "The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store," his mother said. "Oh good," he replied, "Now I can use it to buy some stereo equipment!"

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November 15, 1996 - PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first." The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.

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Nicest Thing About a Nudist Wedding?

What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding? You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.

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Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.

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Amy: Yesterday I saw a man in the mall with very long arms. Every time he went up the stairs he would step on them. Bob: Wow... He stepped on his arms? Amy: No. On the STAIRS!

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Why did the kid walk backwards to school? Because it was back to school day!

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How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie on it.

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Never Have an Eskimo As a Meteorologist

"Tomorrow is a boiling hot day, at 10 degrees Fahrenheit. The day after that is the same temperature, as well as the next and the next. Won't these temperatures ever cool down?"

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"You're hitting the woods well today, pitty you can't stay out of them!"

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1. The water proof towel2. Solar powered flash light3. Sumberrine screen door4. A book on how to read5. Inflatable dart board6. A dictionary index7. Ejector seat in a helicopter8. Powdered water9. Pedel powered wheel chair10. Water proof tea bags

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When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

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A boy was going to church on Sunday. His mom gave him $40 so that he could put $20 in the offering plate and use $20 to buy anything on the way. On his way to the church he lost the $40, so he went back to look for it. He found $20, then looked up and said, "God, here is mine. Go and look for yours!"

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