Every joke I've kept

I didn't like my haircut at first. But it's growing on me.

— upjoke.com

The guy at my local music shop asked me why I'm always coming in to buy new harmonicas. I told him "I blow right through them"

— upjoke.com

I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers... Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.

— upjoke.com

Why do librarians hate tennis? Too much racket.

— upjoke.com

why does the helicopter shave every day? He grows apache beard

— upjoke.com

Who is the worst spy in history? James Bond. Because everyone knows him.

— upjoke.com

What do you get when you cross a hurricane with a cruise ship full of 1990's boy bands? Washed up musicians.

— upjoke.com

what did the optometrist say to the tiny Australian insect? "good eye, mite"

— upjoke.com

what do you call it when a swarm of insects goes to italy? a venice fly trip

— upjoke.com

A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest The man enters the bank. Man: I’m here to find out about the mortgage Employee: I don’t really care.

— upjoke.com

I saw that our local zoo has an interesting attraction : A lion and a sheep living peacefully in the same cage. I asked the zookeeper whether they ever fight. He said, "Rarely." I asked what happens when they do. "We get another sheep."

— upjoke.com

Did you know that the invention of the shovel was... Ground breaking.

— upjoke.com

A prisoner digs a hole out of jail.... .... and ends up in a toddler playground and yells "I'm free! I'm free!" and a kids walks up and says "So big deal, I'm four!"

— upjoke.com

What's the difference between jelly and jam? Santa doesn't jelly himself down the chimney on Christmas Eve.

— upjoke.com

I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners? Not a fan.

— upjoke.com

Sue reports for jury duty as ordered. She promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudiced. "I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin." "Sit down," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney."

— upjoke.com

I was the knight no one expected to appear on battlefield, Sir Prise.

— upjoke.com

A person who speaks two languages is bilingual and one who speaks three, is trilingual. What do you call a person who speaks only one language? American

— upjoke.com

BREAKING NEWS ! Mary Poppins will no longer be endorsing ‘Rimmel Vibrant Shades’ lipstick - she claims it “breaks too easily” and it “makes her breath smell”. She gave the following statement: “The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis”..

— upjoke.com

Why is lipstick losing market share in the makeup industry? Because we live in a mask era.

— upjoke.com