Every joke I've kept

Where do cats keep their lipstick? In their purrrs.

— upjoke.com

If you ever get locked outside, talk to your lock calmly. Because communication is the key

— upjoke.com

For a while, the magician Houdini used a trap door for every show he did. It was..just a stage he was going through.

— upjoke.com

A bald magician pulled a rabbit out of a hat. Then he put the rabbit right on top of his head and gently lowered the hat down over the rabbit until the rabbit was completely covered. After a couple seconds of wearing the hat, the magician quickly lifted the hat back up, and presto! there wasn’t a hare on his head

— upjoke.com

I bought a world map for my room, I’m gonna put a pin on everywhere that i’ve travelled... ... but first I gotta travel to the top 2 corners of the map so it won’t fall down. (Mitch Hedberg 2003)

— upjoke.com

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise. He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.

— upjoke.com

Every time I’m having a microwave meal, I turn on the movie “The Golden Eye”. The instructions say —Pierce film before cooking.

— upjoke.com

Interviewer: Would you mind explaining this 4-year gap on your resume? Me: I went to Yale during this time period. Interviewer: Wow, excellent! You’re hired! Me: Thank you! I really needed this yob!

— upjoke.com

I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no. Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

— upjoke.com

I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third. At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.

— upjoke.com

Why did the hand and the mitten get married? Because it was glove at first sight.

— upjoke.com

My mom kicked me out the house for tickling my little brothers feet. I knew I should’ve waited until he was born

— upjoke.com

Someone told me that if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea. All i got was 6 years for armed robbery.

— upjoke.com

One day I was walking when I saw a man on a motorcycle. Suddenly a donkey came up kicked the man off the motorcycle, got on the motorcycle and then drove it away. And I thought to myself, “That’s badass“.

— upjoke.com

I dreamed I drowned in an ocean made of orange soda. When I woke I realized it was just a Fanta sea.

— upjoke.com

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on what movie to watch and pizza to order And then I picked the movie and pizza I wanted because I'm the one with the money.

— upjoke.com

Me to HR: Your careers page says the company offers "competitive salary". What does that mean exactly? HR: That means your salary will be competing with your bills.

— upjoke.com

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.

— upjoke.com

What's the difference between a pipe fitter and a chemical engineer? They way they pronounce unionized.

— upjoke.com

What did one smoking pipe say to the other smoking pipe? Don’t go ashtray

— upjoke.com