Every joke I've kept

People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah? When's the last time ya ever heard of anyone who "rested to death?"

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I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter. - Tommy Cooper

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Gary: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test. Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

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A man said to his golfing friend, "I hit two of my best balls yesterday!" "Oh yeah?" "Yeah, I stepped on a rake in the bunker."

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Can you decipher this phrase? ONALLE All in one!

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Mary had a little lamb, And a little pony too, She put the pony in a field, And the lamb into a stew!!

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Whats the difference between a good egg and a good fart? You can't beat a good fart!

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Would a fly that loses its wings be called a walk?

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Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

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What's the difference between a Ford and a golf ball? You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.

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What's the most dangerous insect? The hepatitis bee.

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A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him. "I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game." "When is that?" "Right after the National Anthem."

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Did you hear about the bread factory burning down? They say the business is toast.

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Have you heard the rumor going around about butter? Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.

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A Nurse Dies and Goes to Heaven....

A nurse dies and goes to heaven. She is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who asks her questions about her life. Over St. Peter's shoulder the nurse spots a man in a white coat sitting on a cloud with a stethoscope around his neck. "Oh brother!" she cries. "Is that a doctor?" St Peter glances over his shoulder and says, "No, that's God. He just thinks he's a doctor."

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Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant? A: With a blue elephant gun.

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A mother and her child were at a wedding. A little boy looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?" His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life." The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

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To help students remember the word for "wear" in Latin, the professor used the phrase: semper ubi, sub ubi Translation: Always wear under wear.

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How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

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Why was Monica Lewinsky in the White House after hours? Clinton was showing her the proper way to take "dic"tation.

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