I was attending church as a visitor several weeks ago and heard the following:"I have good news, and I have bad news.First, the bad news: we need a new roof.Next, the good news: we have the money to pay for it!(waits for pleased murmurs to recede)Next, more bad news: the money is still in your pockets."
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Q. How do you keep an idiot busy? A. Tell him that the ground is going to fall on him if he doesn't get off it.
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Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
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Aron: Throw all of your fish in the air. Jake: Why? Aron: So I can tell my mom I honestly caught them.
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Q: How many management information services guys does it take to change a light bulb? A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned you request number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to the light bulb issue.
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Why was Cinderalla thrown out of the football team? Because she ran away from the ball.
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How many Penecostals does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Five - one to screw in the lightbulb and four to pray against the power of darkness!
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Why did Tom throw butter outside the window? Because he wanted to see the butter-fly.
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Q: What's the difference between Elvis and Osama Bin Laden? A: Osama is a dead man!
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Did you hear about the new dictionary for masochists? It has all the words, but they're not in alphabetical order.
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A man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a collect telegram which read, "I am perfectly well." A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel - collect - on which he had to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message, "This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind."
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Fellow orders a triple whisky at the bar and stikes up a conversation with the landlord.Fellow: I shouldn't drink this with what I've Got!Landlord: Why what have you got?Fellow: Fifty Pence!
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Knock knock? Who's there? Oswald. Oswald who? Oswald(I swallowed) my gum!
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What is the definition of wicker box? It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.
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Person A: Why did the chicken cross the road? Person B: Is this a trick question?
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A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the family room. Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence. The girl looked at her dad and said, "It was Mom." "How do you know?" "She didn't say anything."
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Q: How do you help a starving cannibal? A: Give him a hand!
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and some peanut butter? A: Either an elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth, or peanut butter that never forgets.
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The other day, I bought a packet of air. I was surprised to find a few potato chips inside it. -Dedicated to Lays
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