Every joke I've kept

I thought it would be a cool idea to have sonic in real life. But apparently speed doesn’t make animals faster

— upjoke.com

A Man Claimed I stole His Guitar. I told him his accusations were bassless.

— upjoke.com

Why is a convent's percussion section so confusing? It's a co-nun-drum

— upjoke.com

What’s Sisyphus’ least favorite band? Rolling Stones

— upjoke.com

Longest Drum Solo. The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 25 minutes and it was performed by a child sitting behind me on a flight from LA to Tokyo.

— upjoke.com

New drum set I'm thinking of picking up a new drum set. Any advice? Don't worry about it. They aren't as heavy as they look.

— upjoke.com

There’s a virus that makes us forget 80s music. It may be spreading. No one knows the Cure

— upjoke.com

What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist? A rock guitarist plays 4 notes in front of 1000 people, while a jazz guitarist plays 1000 notes in front of 4 people.

— upjoke.com

My parents never let me listen to classical or jazz music growing up. Too much sax and violins.

— upjoke.com

My drama professor said I had to write 5,000 words on Robert De Niro. I only managed three before his private bodyguards wrenched me off him.

— upjoke.com

A infinite number of mathematicians go into a bar... The first one orders one beer. The second one half of a beer. The next a quarter, the next one eighth, and so on... The barkeeper is very annoyed and gives all of them together two beer.

— upjoke.com

What is David Byrne’s social security number? 444-44-4444

— upjoke.com

Her: Let's exchange numbers. Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?

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Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

— upjoke.com

How does a squid go into battle? Well armed

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The job market Talked to a man about a job. "How much are you paying?" "Starting pay is $10/hr but it goes up to $15 in 6 months. When can you start?" "Oh, in about 6 months..."

— upjoke.com

“Grandpa, grandpa! I’m watching a soccer game!” Grandpa: “Who’s playing?” Grandson: “Austria-Hungary” Grandpa: “Against who?”

— upjoke.com

How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper? Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

— upjoke.com

How do you measure the quality of a dadjoke? With a sighsmograph

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A group of introverts is called an oxymoron. Please help me

— upjoke.com