Every joke I've kept

When I saw that item, I said to my wife, "I don't think spaghetti grows on trees", so we'd looked it up in Encyclopædia Britannica. Do you know, Miall, Encyclopædia Britannica doesn't even mention spaghetti.

— public joke corpus

I once heard a cretin tell his friend that all cretins are liars! Did he lie though?

— public joke corpus

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two- One to screw in the idea, and one to give it a suprising twist at the end.

— public joke corpus

If you are inventing something, the best way for it to work is to give it a job.

— public joke corpus

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered...

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him. "You, sir, are drunk!" "And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"

— public joke corpus

Where do fish keep their money? In a riverbank!

— public joke corpus

How do you comfort a designer? You give them some space... between the elements.

— public joke corpus

A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice. "Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."

— public joke corpus

Why did the big knot give the little knot a time-out? It was being knotty!

— public joke corpus

What do Monica Lewinsky and a soda pop machine have in common?? They both say "Insert Bill Here"

— public joke corpus

I was teaching my 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt. She asked, "Do I click the square?" I said yes. She then asked me, "Single click or double click?"

— public joke corpus

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you." "I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone..."

— public joke corpus

How do you check if a webpage is HTML5? Try it out on Internet Explorer

— public joke corpus

I don't believe in reincarnation, which is strange, because in a previous existence, I did.

— public joke corpus

A grocery store cashier asked if I would like my milk in a bag. I told her 'No, thanks. The carton works fine.'

— public joke corpus

A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy. So she said, "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?" "Somebody else's pants." the boy replied.

— public joke corpus

My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why. I had to draw my own conclusions.

— public joke corpus

How many seconds are in a year? 12. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd.... etc

— public joke corpus

Q: How do you get two whales in a Mini? A: Along the M4 and across the Severn Bridge.

— public joke corpus

Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital? The hip Doctor!

— public joke corpus