Every joke I've kept

Did you hear about the two peanuts who got mugged on their walk down the street? They were assaulted

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Jack: Why did you name your pig Paris Hilton? Jill: She's always trying to hog up all the attention.

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The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uhh...

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What do call a crying alien baby? An Unidentifyed Crying Object!

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What do you call a group of Jew baritones and sopranos singing? Soap opera.

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Dad, have you got a ladder? Yes; why? I have to write an essay on an elephant!

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Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine!

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A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, "I heard you died." "But you see I'm alive ," smiled the friend."Impossible," said the psychiatrist, "the man who told me is much more reliable than you."

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Q: What does the tooth fairy give for half a tooth? A: Nothing. She wants the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth

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What did one tradesman say to another? I hope you have a "barter" day tomorrow.

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What do you do when the dishwasher stops working? Slap her!

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What did the popsicle say to the lollypop as he was leaving? So long, sucker!

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Do bakers with a sense of humor bake wry bread?

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Which song would an exception sing? Can't catch me - Avicii

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What do you call a droid that takes the long way around? R2 detour.

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Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking female flies. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of horse manure and dives down toward her. "Pardon me," he says, turning on his best charm, "...but is this stool taken?"

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There are three blondes walking through the woods, and they come upon a set of tracks.The first blonde says "Those are deer tracks."The second blonde says "No, those are bear tracks."The third blonde says "You are both wrong, those are moose tracks."Then the get hit by a train.

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A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

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Q: How many teamsters does it take to change a light bulb? A: ''Twelve. Ya got a problem with that?''

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10=D in a M 10 decimeters in a meter.

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