Every joke I've kept

Is one Nobel Prize so much to ask from a child after all I've done?

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There are 10 types of people in this world... Those who understand binary and those who don't

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An agriculture student said to a farmer: "Your methods are too old-fashioned. I wouldn't be surprised if this tree gave you less than twenty pounds of apples." "Wouldn't surprise me, either," said the farmer, "this is an orange tree."

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How do you keep a Rhino from charging? Take away its credit card.

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Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The p is silent.

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Q: How many colorguard girls does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Five, one to call the colorguard forward and four to take it down with a ceremony.

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If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

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A Shepherd, a Wolf, and a Flock

As a shepherd you herd your sheep into your barn. As you walk away you hear two wolves in the barn. What do you do? I would get the flock out of there!

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What do you call a bear who's into gardening? A Hairy Potter!

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What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5000 miles.

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A farmer and his son live on a farm in the middle of Nowhere, USA. One day the farmboy says to his father, "I'm bored." His father replies, "What are you talking about? Farm life is great!" He then adds, "However, I will admit, it is a little slow though. Nothing much to do except count the bricks in the silo." To this the boy says, "11,827."

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Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?Dad: That happens in every country, son.

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There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

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Cathy was looking through the window of a clothes store when she spotted a pair of short-shorts. "Wow, these pants are half off!" she told her uncle. Her uncle said "They should be, they are only a half pair of pants."

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"As you can see, class," said the medical school professor pointing to an X-ray, "this patient limps because his left fibia and tibula are both radically arched. Johnson…what would you do in this case?""Well, ma'am," said the student, "I suppose I'd limp, too. "

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Q: How many a-holes does it take to change a light bulb? A: None; a-holes never see the light anyway.

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Famous last words: "Ok, I'm only going to have one..." -- Said the polygamist right after marrying his first wife.

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Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.

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Have you heard about the amazing new discovery? It's a pill that is half aspirin and half glue for people who suffer from splitting headaches.

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A blonde girl just stepped into the bathtub when the doorbell rang. "Who is it?""Blind man," came the response. Feeling charitable, the blonde dashed from the tub without bothering to put on any clothes, grabbed her purse, and opened the door. The man's jaw dropped and he stammered, "Wh-where do you want me to put these blinds, lady?"

— public joke corpus