Every joke I've kept

Knock knock. Who's there? Opportunity. That is impossible. Opportunity doesn’t come knocking twice!

— public joke corpus

Why do mathematicians always confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because 31 Oct = 25 Dec.

— public joke corpus

What do you call an eagle who can play the piano? Talonted!

— public joke corpus

Where does batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.

— public joke corpus

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."

— public joke corpus

I'm Telling You . . . .

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

— public joke corpus

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support." "Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself."

— public joke corpus

What do Gorillas Sleep on in fruit orchards? Apricots.

— public joke corpus

A man went to the hospital with a sprained ankle. The doctor said, "Don't worry, you'll be walking in no time." He was. The doctor stole his car.

— public joke corpus

Cop to boy: Which of the two fighting in the street is your father? Boy: I don't know. That's what they're fighting about!

— public joke corpus

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her U.S. Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question, then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

— public joke corpus

Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

— public joke corpus

On June 10th, 2006, San Fransisco, California held the largest gay, nude bike ride in the United States. I'm never buying a used bike ever again.

— public joke corpus

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity... It's impossible to put down

— public joke corpus

Q: Why did the rooster cross the road? A: To prove he wasn't chicken. Q: Why did the pencil cross the road? A: It was lead.

— public joke corpus

Don't look at the eclipse through a colander. You'll strain your eyes.

— public joke corpus

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds!

— public joke corpus

how many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2, but I don't know how they got in there!

— public joke corpus

Q. Why would Snow White be a good judge? A.Because she's the fairest in the land.

— public joke corpus

The counselor at the "magnet" school called a boy (Myrddin) into his office before school started."Myrddin, I have some good news and some bad news to relate to you this morning. We've just reviewed all of your personality tests and I'm afraid you have definite homosexual tendencies. And now the good news -- I think you're cute as heck!"

— public joke corpus