Plastic surgery used to be such a taboo discussion topic now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow
— upjoke.com
Every joke I've kept
Surf instead →allone-liners 4222misc 1013animal 458classic 417general 345puns 264children 219at-work 211light-bulbs 191sports 153food 126programming 121money 100knock-knock 91medical 76science 55math 48bar 41music 41tech 40college 26family-parents 18men 18blonde-jokes 15computers 10crazy-jokes 9heaven-and-hell 9business 7deep-thoughts 7military 6one-liner 6women 6holidays 5police-jokes 5bar-jokes 3food-jokes 3idiots 3blind-jokes 2dad 2ethnic-jokes 2farmers 2ocean 2office-jokes 2old-age 2school 2state-jokes 1
Programming logic The programmer's spouse asks the programmer to go to the store The spouse says, "Get a loaf of bread, if they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread and says, "They had eggs."
— upjoke.com
I will never date a girl who doesn’t understand algebra jokes. That’s why my x is no longer in the equation
— upjoke.com
85%of people in America don't know basic math. Thanks God I'm from the other 25%
— upjoke.com
I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper. I think he must be plotting something.
— upjoke.com
I tried to explain what integers are. It was pointless
— upjoke.com
What is faster than a calculator? A Calcu-now.
— upjoke.com
Call me geometry... Because when I become difficult, guys cheat on me.
— upjoke.com
I always prayed before my trigonometry tests.. I was hoping for a sine from above
— upjoke.com
Ever since I was diagnosed with dyscalculia, I don’t trust anyone anymore. I can’t count on anybody.
— upjoke.com
Bullets are so weird. They only do their job AFTER they’re fired
— upjoke.com
Two people are putting together a compass One of them says, "Okay, I got the North part here, South here, and East right here". Then the other guy says, "where's the West of it?"
— upjoke.com
Did you hear that in the next fast and the furious movie they’re getting rid of those long fin things on the back of the cars? Ah sorry, spoilers
— upjoke.com
Someone asked me who my favorite vampire is in pop culture... I said, "The one from Sesame Street." They said, "He doesn't count!" "I assure you," I said, "He does."
— upjoke.com
What do you call a stupid grain? A half wheat!
— upjoke.com
What do you call a stallion raised by a reclusive author on whole grain wheat? A Thoreau-bred thoroughbred fed thorough bread.
— upjoke.com
How fast was Thor’s hammer destroyed? Hela Fast.
— upjoke.com
What do you buy an Archer that likes flowers? A rose
— upjoke.com
How did Pinocchio discover he was made of wood? His hand caught on fire
— upjoke.com
The broom and dust pan will be kept in the hall closet from now on and I'm considering other sweeping changes around here.
— upjoke.com