Every joke I've kept

what do you call a computer in the clouds? high tech

— upjoke.com

I dropped my lava lamp into a deep hole in the ground. And now I can’t reach my magma lamp.

— upjoke.com

Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted. For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.

— upjoke.com

What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.

— upjoke.com

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self. Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

— upjoke.com

Whadda ya get when you cross an accountant with a giant jet airplane? A boring 747.

— upjoke.com

I want my 11780 dollars. Dear Bank of America, I just want to find 11780 more dollars in my savings account.Everyone at your bank counted wrong.

— upjoke.com

I just checked my account balance at the ATM. It printed me a coupon for ramen noodles

— upjoke.com

Who makes the best acoustic guitars in the world? Martin! Martin who? Martin, luthier king.

— upjoke.com

How expensive is acoustic insulation ? Quiet expensive.

— upjoke.com

So I bought a miniature airbus and hung it on display in my living room, but nobody seems to notice it. It's a little plane.

— upjoke.com

I use my cell phone as an alarm clock. I call it Veriz'n shine..

— upjoke.com

I set Blur’s Parklife as my alarm, and it goes off every single day of the week... Except for Wednesdays, when I’m rudely awakened by the dustman.

— upjoke.com

I've been trying to find an alarm clock made out of a potato... ...ever since I had a meeting with my boss about arriving late for work and he told me "Get a potato clock".

— upjoke.com

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley. "I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, the floors are gleaming white. It's so sanitary the whole place shines." "Please," said the other roach, frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

— upjoke.com

Did you hear that you can buy iron and carbon for the price of just 1 alloy? What a steel!

— upjoke.com

What happens if you steel? You have to get Alloy-er

— upjoke.com

Why did the Dog not answer the phone? Because of no collar ID

— upjoke.com

Don’t you hate it when people ask you a question just so they can answer it themselves? Because I do

— upjoke.com

Who is married to Antarctica? Uncle-Arctica

— upjoke.com