Every joke I've kept

Patient: "Doctor, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people." Doctor: "Tell me about your problem." Patient: "I just did, you moron!"

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When I was growing up I never bothered to learn French. So I tried very hard to avoid French in general, since I didn't know any of it. It was very hard to avoid... ...since my family spoke french...

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The teacher told one kid, "You're going to flunk this subject because you haven't finished your homework assignments." The kid said, "Good. I flunked all the other ones because I'm stupid."

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The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

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Q: How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The invisible hand does it. A: None. "There is no need to change the light bulb. All the conditions for illumination are in place. Recent surveys show growing confidence in the light bulb lighting up again." A: None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting brighter !!!

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Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in? New employee: Yes, sir. Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

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Q: What do you call a non-churchgoer? A: A Seventh-Day Absentist

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Why did the chicken go across the field? Because the referee shouted "FOWL"!

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Single women complain that all good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.

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Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,331:

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Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back!

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Wanna hear a dirty joke? A boy fell in a mud puddle.

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Doctor doctor! I keep thinking I'm invisible! WHO SAID THAT?!?!?

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When ice skating, never judge a brook by its cover.

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I couldn't fix your brakes, so instead I made your horn louder.

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Once there was a girl at a restaurant and ordered anything in a saucer. The waiter was walking to her table when the girl tripped him. The waiter said "Why did you trip me?" And the girl, without the least of the waiter's worries simply said "I wanted to see a flying saucer!"

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A couple of weeks ago the clouds over western Washington were moving to the west. Normally they head east, inland over the mountains to central Washington and beyond. Scientists blamed the switch on mad cloud disease.

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Knock Knock. Who's there? Are you, Are you who? Are you going to let me in or not?

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Q: How do you know there are three elephants in your refrigerator? A: You can't close the door.

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There is a very simple way to explain the theory of mind over matter. Once you lose you mind, nothing matters.

— public joke corpus