I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why? He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
— upjoke.com
I asked Sinatra what his favorite cereal was, an you know what he said? That’s Life
— upjoke.com
what do zombie cereal mascots say? graaaiiiins
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Watched a show where a guy used a chain link gate to sift through rocks. I found it a fence sieve...
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Which hotel chain does Link prefer? HYAAAATT!!!
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Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it. I'm pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.
— upjoke.com
Which cheese is made backwards? Edam
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Saw a guy at a bar chatting up a cheetah. I thought, "Well, I never - he's trying to pull a fast one!"
— upjoke.com
Which side of a cheetah has the most spots? The outside.
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Knock knock A: Who's there? B: Dandelion. A: Dandelion who? B: The cheetah runs faster dandelion.
— upjoke.com
Do you know why there's no gambling in Africa? Because there are too many cheetahs.
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Facebook is set to release its own webmail client emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"
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Having U2 as a client would be the worst. All the work is pro bono.
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I don't understand why Steve Ballmer spent so much money on the Clippers. He doesn't even have hair.
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What kind of pants does Jesse Pinkman wear under his lab coat? Science Britches!
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Why doesn't Michael Jackson drink coffee? Because he prefers "Tea-hee!"
— upjoke.com
Why did the coffee lose the lawsuit? Because it had no legal grounds
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I got to a party and the host said, “Make yourself at home”, so I got comfortable. Turns out English was not his first language, and he was asking me to leave.
— upjoke.com
Some philosopher said “Change does not come from a place of comfort.”, but he was wrong. I’m always finding loose coins in my couch.
— upjoke.com
So the waitress asks the customer: "Comfortable, sir?" And the customer responds "No, no, comeforfood"
— upjoke.com