Every joke I've kept

From my 8 year old: what's the most comfortable car? A comfortible

— upjoke.com

My son asked me, “Dad, can I eat the last piece of cake in the fridge?” I smiled and said, “Sure..." "But the dining room would probably be more comfortable.”

— upjoke.com

Why don't Malaysian TV shows get commissioned? Because they all have terrible pilots.

— upjoke.com

What’s Netflix’s biggest competitor? Sleep.

— upjoke.com

Jimmy, your composition "My Dog" is the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? No, sir. It's the same dog.

— upjoke.com

I recently lost my job at NASA Mission Control... I misheard when someone said "It's lunch time", and sent a rocket up with nobody in it.

— upjoke.com

Needed: people with a lot of self control. for working at a bubble wrap factory.

— upjoke.com

Knock knock. Who's there? Control freak. Right as they start to say "control freak who?" You quickly cut them off and say "next you're supposed to say control freak who!"

— upjoke.com

I haven't sold a single copy of my autobiography. That's the story of my life.

— upjoke.com

My children were chewing on power cords again... so I had to ground them. They put up some resistance at first, but firmly grasped the problem, and are conducting themselves properly now.

— upjoke.com

Have you heard about the boss who got their foot stuck in an electrical cord? >!They went on a power trip!<

— upjoke.com

I caught my son biting the electrical cord I was shocked and grounded him. He resisted but I told him to stay positive. It's been a week, he's currently doing better and conducting himself properly.

— upjoke.com

What is the plural of an "Aux Cord" Auxen Cord

— upjoke.com

I miss my umbilical cord.. I grew attached to it.

— upjoke.com

If there were a cord that insulted people... It would be called a discord

— upjoke.com

How do you get a champagne cork back in the bottle? I don't know, ask a Falcons fan

— upjoke.com

What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus? An immediate cessation of funding and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee

— upjoke.com

The creator of winrar is arrested. His trial is expected to last forever

— upjoke.com

If you have bad credit, make friends with a trigonometrist. They will cosine for you.

— upjoke.com

Always make sure SOMEONE in the relationship has good credit... That's why it's called SIGNIFICANT other. Sign/if/I/Can't.

— upjoke.com