Every joke I've kept

Why was Anakin Skywalker rejected for a credit card? Because he applied for a MasterCard.

— upjoke.com

Why did Australia get all the criminals while America got all the puritans? >!Because Australia won the coin toss!<

— upjoke.com

Where did the frugal judge sent the criminal? To the pennytentiary.

— upjoke.com

That’s not a Crocodile Dundee reference... THIS is a Crocodile Dundee reference.

— upjoke.com

My father is Cuban and my mother is from Iceland. So i am...... ..... an Ice Cube Cred: Russell Peters

— upjoke.com

What do you call a Cuban Atheist? Infidel Castro.

— upjoke.com

I was reading through the dictionary the other day I couldn't believe what I found. Nothing starts with N.

— upjoke.com

I met a girl at a bar and we went back to hers and started making out on the sofa, she gave me a cheeky look and said ''I think we should take this upstairs'' Ok, I said, you carry one end and I'll get the other, be careful getting through the doorframe and we'll come back down for the cushions.

— upjoke.com

A cop stops a motorist. "Sir, you were playing a trombone while driving. Do you know how dangerous that is?!" "No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll fake it."

— upjoke.com

One of my coworkers got fired for putting dangerous substances in the products. I don’t think it was completely his fault though. He did asbestos he could.

— upjoke.com

My magnesium levels in blood have dropped down to dangerous levels!!!! 0mg!!

— upjoke.com

I’m broke, sad and a disappointment to my parents. But at least I’m not in debt. That’s the one thing I’m given credit for

— upjoke.com

Why can't proctologists get out of debt? They're always in arrears.

— upjoke.com

I have the best debts in the world! Every single one of them is Outstanding!

— upjoke.com

Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st, be sure to lift your left leg. That way, you'll start the New Year on the right foot.

— upjoke.com

I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I'm going home for the hollandaise.

— upjoke.com

Why is it so difficult to differentiate a decimal and whole number for you? Because you never get the point.

— upjoke.com

{air horn sound} {second air horn sound} Me: “this isn’t deodorant”

— upjoke.com

Where does a fish deposit his checks? At the river bank

— upjoke.com

Where do ghosts deposit their mail? The Ghost Office!

— upjoke.com