Every joke I've kept

What do you call a gigachad UX designer? Figma male

— upjoke.com

Whenever I get a stack of resumes on my desk at work, I always pick half at random and throw them out. Don’t need unlucky people working in my department.

— upjoke.com

Teacher came to Jack's desk -You had the same answers in your test as Stan. So you must have cheated. -How do you know that Stan didn't look at my answers? Jack defended himself. -Stan had written "I don't know" and you had written "I don't know either"...

— upjoke.com

People always call me a walking dictionary. I thought they meant I was smart with a good vocabulary, but apparently I’m just thick.

— upjoke.com

If I had a dime for every time I didn't understand what's going on. I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

— upjoke.com

Why does Santa only carry pennies, dimes and quarters? Because he is Nicholas.

— upjoke.com

I found my son playing with a voodoo doll. He had already promised that he would stop. It really felt like I got stabbed in the back.

— upjoke.com

How to call a line of people waiting to buy the new Barbie doll at a toy store? Barbecue

— upjoke.com

Buying a Barbie doll for my niece at a toy store I asked the salesperson if Barbie came with Ken. She replied" Oh no. Barbie dates Ken. She comes with G.I. Joe."

— upjoke.com

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd.. I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25

— upjoke.com

I don't trust people who can draw... They all seem kinda sketchy.

— upjoke.com

Does anyone know how to draw a very realistic bullet? Because I'm drawing a blank.

— upjoke.com

I asked my German friend to draw me a circular statistical diagram. “Venn?" he asked. “As soon as you can.”

— upjoke.com

What do you call a chicken's sidewalk drawing? A chalk-a-doodle-do! (Credit: My 6 year old daughter who makes up jokes while we're driving. Proud parent moment, she is getting to be one of the best pun-slingers I know)

— upjoke.com

How do you milk sheep? With iPhone accessories.

— r/Jokes

Why do riot police like to get to work early? To beat the crowd.

— r/Jokes

I don't always tell dad jokes. But when I do, he laughs

— r/Jokes

How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool? "Please Get Out The Pool"

— r/Jokes

What's an advantage of being Swiss? The flag is a big plus.

— r/Jokes

I know a mathematician who can't afford lunch. He can binomial.

— r/Jokes