I just hired a private investigator to find out what I do all day.
— onelinefun.com
Every joke I've kept
Surf instead →allone-liners 4222misc 1013animal 458classic 417general 345puns 264children 219at-work 211light-bulbs 191sports 153food 126programming 121money 100knock-knock 91medical 76science 55math 48bar 41music 41tech 40college 26family-parents 18men 18blonde-jokes 15computers 10crazy-jokes 9heaven-and-hell 9business 7deep-thoughts 7military 6one-liner 6women 6holidays 5police-jokes 5bar-jokes 3food-jokes 3idiots 3blind-jokes 2dad 2ethnic-jokes 2farmers 2ocean 2office-jokes 2old-age 2school 2state-jokes 1
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory couldn't park nowhere near the place.
— onelinefun.com
You can't tell me what to do, you're not my dog.
— onelinefun.com
Yes, money cannot buy you happiness, but I'd still feel a lot more comfortable crying in a new BMW than on a bike.
— onelinefun.com
Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.
— onelinefun.com
The recipe said "Set the oven to 180 degrees" so I did, but now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.
— onelinefun.com
Why call someone when you can just decide where you and your friend want to meet by exchanging 76 text messages?
— onelinefun.com
If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?
— onelinefun.com
At this point in my life, my resume's "special skills" section just says: "pronounces Massachusetts towns" and "can nap on planes."
— onelinefun.com
Happy 3 week anniversary to the 26 browser tabs I have open.
— onelinefun.com
I work to buy a car to go to work.
— onelinefun.com
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
— onelinefun.com
If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
— onelinefun.com
As I watched the dog chasing his tail I thought "Dogs are easily amused", then I realized I was watching the dog chasing his tail.
— onelinefun.com
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
— onelinefun.com
Sorry I'm late traffic is exactly how it's been every day for the past 5 years and I was not expecting that.
— onelinefun.com
If I ever use "Whatever" as a complete sentence, you better run.
— onelinefun.com
"Doctor, I'm addicted to 'The Family Feud' game show. What's wrong with me? Doctor: "Well, the survey says..."
— onelinefun.com
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
— onelinefun.com
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
— onelinefun.com