Every joke I've kept

Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? A. The French Army.

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What do you call a stupid garbage can? A Dumb-ster!

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The Post Office briefly considered issuing stamps with Bill and Hillary's faces on them. However, test marketing verified that the customers would spit on the wrong side of the stamps.

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A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office covered only in Saran Wrap. He says to the doctor, "I've felt so weird lately, Doc, can you tell me what's wrong?" The doctor replied, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts!"

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Just when you get really good at something, you don't need to do it any more.

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The smartest dogs are the Jack Russell Terrier and Scottish Border collie. Dumbest: Afgan hound. A rat can go without water longer than a camel can. The fat molecules in goat's milk are 5 times smaller than those found in cow's milk. It takes 20 minutes for the stomach to break down as opposed to the hour that it takes to break down cow's milk.

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What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.

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A little boy asked his mother: Mummy, why are you white and I am black? Don't even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don't bark.

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What do you call a one-legged lady? Eileen!

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A man at the movies had left his seat to buy an ice-cream. On his return he said to an old lady sitting at the end of the row, "I'm sorry, but did I step on your toe a minute ago?" The woman angrily replied "Yes, you certainly did!" "Oh," said the man, "Then this is my row."

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My friend said, "Can I hang out with you?" I replied in a choking voice, "I have a spare noose in the closet."

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Beans, beans, good for the heart. The more you eat, the more you fart. The more you fart, the better you feel. So eat some beans with every meal.

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Pappa : jy moet nou soet wees, ek gan jou tottie afkap. Seuntjie : kan ma afkap, want sussie sin is klaar af en omgedop en dit lyk BEFOK!!

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Marble is a valuable building material and should not be taken for granite.

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Q: When is a black dog not a black dog? A: When its a grey hound.

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Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb? A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!

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Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

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What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahahaha.

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Knock Knock Who's there? Dustin Dustin who? Dust in the air, please let me in!

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Q: Why is an elephant big, grey and wrinkly? A: Because if it was small, white and hard it would be an aspirin.

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