Every joke I've kept

I'm kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer. Yeah, I gave 'em my too weak notice

— r/Jokes

What kind of organization is Atheism? Non-prophet.

— r/Jokes

I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist. It's called 'Facebook'

— r/Jokes

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you.. You have my Word.

— r/Jokes

My friend asked me if the new Star Wars was in 3D and I said, yes, but they R2D2.

— r/Jokes

Today I quit drinking for good. now I only drink for evil

— r/Jokes

Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat? Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.

— r/Jokes

What rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore

— r/Jokes

I hate Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves.

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I left my adderall in my Ford Fiesta. Now it's a Ford Focus.

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If you ever feel lonely... just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies. After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore.

— r/Jokes

I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know

— r/Jokes

6:30 is the best time on a clock hands down.

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What's the difference between tuna, a piano and glue? You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.

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Why did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple Store? For the watch

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My neighbors listen to awesome music. whether they like it or not.

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Snake walks into a bar. And the bartender says ''How did you do that?''

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What is the difference between USA and USB? One connects to all of your devices and accesses the data, the other is a hardware standard.

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Why do Java programmers need glasses? Because they can't C#.

— r/Jokes

Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college. I don't think I can ever repay you.

— r/Jokes