Every joke I've kept

Teacher: Billy why are you late? Billy: Because the sign said "Children Slow"

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All things are possible - except skiing through a revolving door.

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A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother.On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?""Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?""The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

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Why is it hard for dalmatians to play hide-and-seek? Because they're always spotted!

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A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

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How many ADHD kids does it take to change a lightbulb? It takes twenty se- hey, this is in the wrong category!

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A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old daughter ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the daughter asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The little girl thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

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Q: What is the definition of eternity?A: 4 blondes, 4 cars, 4 stop signs.

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Q: Why could Long John Silver never find an aspirin? A: 'Cause his parrots ate them all.

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Q: What would you do w/out your memories ? A: Forget

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Why was the broom tired? It over swept.

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If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside? K9P.

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Before he left on a business trip, the father took his young son aside. "Terence, I'm trusting you to take care of the family while I'm gone. You're going to be the man of the house." Comprehending the gravity of the situation, Terence replied soberly, "In that case, I'm gonna need the remote."

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There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm." The other cow replies, "Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."

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Due to complaints, Hawaii passed a law where you're not allowed to laugh above a certain decibel. You can only use a low ha.

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In a recent survey, 60 percent of respondents said the cities they live in are noisier now than they were five years ago. The other 40 percent didn't hear the question.

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What did the lollipop say to the popsicle? 'Cool, dude!'

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A gladiator was having a rough day at the arena-his opponent had sliced off both of his arms. Nevertheless, he fought on, kicking and biting as furiously as he could. But when his opponent lopped off both feet, the gladiator had no choice but to give up. He was now both unarmed and defeated.

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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why is the groom wearing black?"

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Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.

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