Every joke I've kept

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

— r/Jokes

Did you hear about the pessimist who hates sausage? They say he fears the wurst

— r/Jokes

The cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through (spoilers) Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said "Can I have a word?"

— r/Jokes

When one door closes... An incognito window opens.

— r/Jokes

Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10? I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"

— r/Jokes

Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend? Because they're both cauldron

— r/Jokes

Whats a fedora clad, neck bearded gentlemen's favorite color? M'genta

— r/Jokes

The Nintendo 64 turned 18 today. Now you can legally blow the cartridges.

— r/Jokes

I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...

— r/Jokes

"I'm sorry" and "I apologise" usually mean the same thing. ...except at a funeral

— r/Jokes

No evidence is good enough for a Creationist... But no evidence is good enough for a Creationist.

— r/Jokes

Is your refrigerator running? Because I'd vote for it.

— r/Jokes

If i got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I'd have $ 6.30 now

— r/Jokes

Why is Pavlov's hair so soft? Classic conditioning.

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What's the stupidest animal in the jungle? The Polar bear.

— r/Jokes

What starts with “E” and has only one letter in it? Envelope!

— r/Jokes

I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators. I'm taking steps to avoid them.

— r/Jokes

Some bloke just told me he was gonna smack me with the neck of his guitar.... I said, is that a fret?

— r/Jokes

Why is Empire Strikes Back the best Star Wars movie? It's a perfect 5/7.

— r/Jokes

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you... You have my word

— r/Jokes