Every joke I've kept

What's a comedians least favorite drink? Booze

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What's E.T. short for? So he can fit in his spaceship.

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I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts. Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think

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Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him i was married now and that's where i sleep.

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Why can't pirates learn the alphabet? Because they spend years at C.

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Why is the hipster sweating? Because he wore a scarf before it was cool.

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How many "sup dude"s does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, it's already lit fam.

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No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II. I mean, there were red flags everywhere.

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If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian . then soviet.

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What do British nuclear engineers eat? Fission chips.

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The rotation of earth. Really makes my day.

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Why is the archaeologist sad? Because his career is in ruins.

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I can sympathize with batteries. I never get included in anything either.

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Say what you want about Floyd Mayweather. He can't read it anyway

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Purple is my favorite color! I like it more than blue and red combined.

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My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.

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So the iPhone 7 gets arrested... He puts on his earpods and smugly declares "sorry, you can't charge me while I'm using my headphones".

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Break ups are the worst in China. You see her face everywhere

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Yesterday I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full" I thought, "I can't turn that down"

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I'm making a graph of my past relationships... I have an 'ex'-axis and a 'why?'-axis.

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