Every joke I've kept

My gf is like the square root of negative one hundred. She's a perfect ten but imaginary

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Where does a dog go when he loses his tail? a retail store

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What's a 6.9? A great thing ruined by a period.

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What type of joke is the best joke? A Communist joke, because everyone gets it.

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What do you get if you boil funnybones? A laughing stock.

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My friend text me 'what are you doing now?' I replied 'Probably failing my driving test'.

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I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.

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Lazy people fact #4564321564. You were too lazy to read that number.

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There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of you will get this

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My friend wanted to feel like a princess on her wedding day. So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a French alliance.

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Just one. How many scientists does it take to build a time machine?

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My daughters boyfriend still doesn't know how to tie his shoes... Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing.

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David Hasselhoff calls his Agent and demands, "I want everyone to call me The Hoff from now on." His Agent says, "Sure. No hassle."

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I dreamt about a horse last night. It turned out to be a night mare.

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Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess. But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.

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It's so cold outside. I saw a politican with his hands in his own pockets.

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Why does a milking stool only have three legs? Because the cow has the udder.

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What does idk stand for? Literally everyone I ask doesn't know.

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My urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away. a whim away, a whim away, a whim away

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When counting down, I can't stand negative numbers? I stop at nothing to avoid them.

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