Every joke I've kept

What is the difference between a sharply dressed man on a unicycle and a dully dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.

— r/Jokes

What is the difference between Will Smith and Scotland ? Independence Day

— r/Jokes

I refused to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

— r/Jokes

Four years ago, I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.

— r/Jokes

What did Yoda say when he watched Star Wars on Blu-Ray? HDMI

— r/Jokes

Why do you never wear two monocles at the same time? Because you'd make a spectacle of yourself.

— r/Jokes

What is the difference between Game of Thrones and Twitter? With Twitter you only get 140 characters.

— r/Jokes

What did the tectonic plate say to the other tectonic plate when he bumped into the him? Sorry, my fault.

— r/Jokes

I can totally relate to batteries. I'm not included in anything either.

— r/Jokes

Just been chatting to my neighbour's teenage daughter and it turns out she's really into UFOs and aliens. Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted.

— r/Jokes

I used to be scared of pretty girls, So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.

— r/Jokes

"Hello, is this anonymous NSA hotline?" "Yes, David, how can we help you?"

— r/Jokes

Why are 490 Romans funny? Because XD

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/u/username goes to the grocery store.... username checks out.

— r/Jokes

There's no reason to be tailgating me when I'm doing 50 in a 35 and those flashing lights on your car look stupid.

— r/Jokes

Voldemort: So I just have to lie? Pinocchio: Yep

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Ever since I installed Adblocker Plus things haven't been going so well.. All of a sudden chicks in my area are no longer interested in me.

— r/Jokes

And the award for best neckwear goes to... huh, well would you look at that. It was a tie

— r/Jokes

Grandpa joke: What becomes shorter when you add 2 letters? Short

— r/Jokes

My love life is like Santa Claus. It exists thanks to gullible six year olds

— r/Jokes