Every joke I've kept

If you fall down a bottomless pit... do you eventually die of starvation?

— public joke corpus

Grey hair is hereditary - you get it from your kids.

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Earth Worm: Oh, I wish that darn evil Mister Barney hadn't chopped my brother into two sections! Other Earth Worm: Why? Earth Worm: Because, now I have two half brothers!

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I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

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Two carrots are walking down the street one day when a car suddenly comes flying around the corner and runs one of them over. At the hospital, the doctor says to the other carrot, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is your friend is going to live. The bad news is he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

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Q: How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a light bulb ? A: None. "Well it's not really a question of should we change it or should we not change the light bulb, but more a question of...(blah blah waffle)"

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Knock Knock Who's there? Doris Doris who? Door is shut thats why i knocked!

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Q: Why are hairdressers always on time? A: Because they know all the short cuts!

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What Shall I Wear Today?

Policeman to woman he's just stopped for speeding - "As soon as I saw you coming round the corner, I said to myself, 'Must be 55 at least'." "It's this dress, officer - it always make me look older!"

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Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?" Billy: "No comb, Sir." Teacher: "Use your dad's then." Billy: "No hair, Sir."

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Q:What is a blondes idea of safe sex??A:Lock the car doors

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Texan: "Where are you from?" Harvard graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions." Texan: "OK, where are you from, Jackass?"

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Q) How many jugglers does it take to change a lightbulb? A) One, but it takes 3 lightbulbs.

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Knock, knock Who's there? Some. Some who? Some asshole telling you knock, knock jokes.

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What's black and white and played all over? Black and White (the computer game)

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"Three people of different nationalities walk into a bar. Two of them say something smart, and the third one makes a mockery of his fellow countrymen by acting dumb."

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Johnny comes home from school, and shouts, "Mother!" Mother calls from upstairs, "If you wish to speak to me, come upstairs so you don't have to shout." When Johnny gets upstairs, she says, "Now, what did you want to say to me?" "Just that I trod in some dog do, but it seems to have gone now!"

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Baboons were once trained by Egyptians to wait on tables. A queen bee can lay 800-1500 eggs per day. The Popsicle was invented in 1905 by an 11-year-old boy. "Disco" means "I learn" in Latin.

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"What's wrong with your husband?" the psychiatrist asked."He thinks he's a chicken," answered the woman."How long has he been acting like a chicken?""Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs."

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One day Tarzan comes home to the treehouse and says "Jane.. give me a double Matini". Jane says "What is wrong with you -- you don't drink alcohol!" Tarzan says "It's a jungle out there!"

— public joke corpus