Every joke I've kept

My goal is to find a soulmate. It's not cheating, just multi-tasking.

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What's the difference between boogers and broccoli? Kids don't eat broccoli.

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What's the difference between a "fox" and a "dog?" About 6 drinks.

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What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between us, something smells!

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Girl: Did you kiss me when the lights were out?Boy: No…Girl: It must have been that other boy in the corner. Boy, starting to get up: I'll teach him a thing or two!Girl: You couldn't teach him a thing!

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Why shouldn't you take a Pokemon in the shower with you? Answer: Because it'll Pikachu! (peek at you...)

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"Look at the speed of that plane!" said one hawk to another, as a jet fighter plane hurtled over their heads. "Hmph!" snorted the other, "You too would fly fast if your tail was on fire!"

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Ways To Annnoy Your Roommate Become a mime. Nothing is more annoying than a mime. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks." Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.

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Q: How does a Blonde kill a bird?A: She throws it off a cliff!

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Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper finds two finches have dropped dead from old age.In the monkey cage he discovers two of the oldest chimps have also kicked the bucket.Waste not want not so he puts them in a sack with the finches and later tips them in the lion's cage at feeding time."Bloody hell," roars the lion. "Not finch and chimps again."

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Knock Knock! Who's there? A chu. A chu who? Bless you!

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If the entire world was a stage and God was the director, what we need is a rehearsal.

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Can February march? No, but April may.

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Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing? Just in case you get a hole in one.

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Recently, Today Tonight have held a survey. The results indicate that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.

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You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool a Mom.

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There were 3 tomatoes. A momma tomato, a papa tomato, and a baby tomato. The baby tomato started to fall behind and the papa tomato called over to him and said, "Ketchup!"

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Jersey girls aren't trash; trash gets picked up.

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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".

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A Chinese guy was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asked the teller, "Why it change, yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today Iget a Hunat eighty?" The teller says - "Fluctuations!" The Chinese guy says "Fluc you white guys too"

— public joke corpus