Every joke I've kept

I hope you never get a tetanus shot; maybe you'll windup with lockjaw.

— public joke corpus

Two men were having a conversation. A: "My ears got burnt!" B: "How did that happen?" A: "You see, I was ironing and the phone rang and instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron." B: "So how did the second one get burnt." A: "The person called back."

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Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb? A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.

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Q: What do you get if you drop a piano on the seventh dwarf? A: A diminished seventh!

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This 40 year old guy is driving home from work and he pulls into his driveway, walked up to his apartment, and then sees his girlfriend with her bag packed up. He says, "Honey, why are you leaving me"she say, " cus I hear you're a pedifile!"He responds, "Pedifile?... Thats a pretty big word for a 10 year old, don't you think?"

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Why is a circle so hot???? Because it's 360 degrees!!!

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Why did the elephant cross the road? Because the chiken retired.

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What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.

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what's hairy on the out side and wet and slimey on the inside it begins whith an c and ends in a t?? a cocanut

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Why is boxing a sport? If I beat someone up in an alley and someone sees it, I get arrested. If I beat someone up in an arena where thousands see it happen, I get cheered. I've done both. I like the alley better though.

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What did the scarf say to the hat? You go on ahead, I am going to hang around a bit longer.

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Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep.

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Q)A hippo is sitting on your chair....what time is it? A)Time to get a new chair

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Want to hear my pizza joke? Never mind, it's too cheesy.

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A man was walking through Beverly Hills selling door to door what he claimed to be the "Magic Elixir of Life". Of course, the police arrested him and ran a computer check of him. They found the man had quite a long record of such dealings. He was first arrested for that type of crime in 1660.

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What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday...the rest are weekdays.

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GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie Kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play He kissed them as well, he's funny that way.

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How is it we look in a dictionary to figure out how to spell something if we don't know how to spell it?

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This guy comes walking out of a store carrying a big grandfather's clock. A drunk man bumps into him and the guy drops the clock and smashes it all to hell. The guy says, "Why don't you watch where you're going?" and the drunk says, "Why don't you carry a wrist watch like everybody else?"

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You are a big animal that is big.

— public joke corpus