Every joke I've kept

I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it's shell... It only made it more sluggish.

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Every single morning I get hit by the same bike. It's a vicious cycle.

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Guys, the USA is looking pretty bad... I think its time for USB.

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My friends keep telling me to stop impersonating butter. But I can't. I'm on a roll now

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How do you make holy water? You take ordinary tap water and boil the hell out of it.

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What do ducks smoke? Qwack

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Today, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid... I can't wait to see how big my puppy is now!!!!

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When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

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Which of the American forces is the most patriotic? The Air Force, because its US AF.

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You can't run through a camp ground. You can only ran, because it's past tents.

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The other day I held the door for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

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Kim Jung Un loves to read books, what does that make him? A glorious reader.

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Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar... followed by Batman.

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Rule #1 for learning english. Their our know rules!

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I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.

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I told a girl she had drawn her eyebrows on too high... She looked surprised.

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Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it just becomes a soap opera.

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How do you split Rome in half? You use a pair of caesars.

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My name is David and I had my ID stolen the other day. Now they just call me Dav.

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Did you guys hear about the kid getting arrested for bringing a clock to school? Sources say that the teachers were alarmed.

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