Every joke I've kept

What does Monica Lewinski and a coin machine have in common? insert bill here!

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Going home on the bus one evening a man was whiling away the time by doing a crossword. Three more men got on the bus at the next stop, and as they passed, one said, "If it's any help to you, 7 Up is lemonade."

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Q: Why are cannibals such great improvs? A: They keep feeding off each other.

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Q: How many surgeons does it take to replace a light bulb? A: 3. We'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.

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Remember- There's a light at the end of every tunnel... just hope it's not a train!

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Success is relative. The more success, the more relatives!

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These two convicts were about to be executed. The Warden says to the first one "Do you have a last request?"The convict says "Yes. I'd like to hear A Christina Aguilera song one last time."The Warden says "OK, I think we can arrange that." Then he says to the second convict "How about you? Last request?"The second convict says "Yeah. Kill me first."

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Ralph's father said, "Let me see your report card." Ralph replied, "I don't have it." "Why not?" His father asked. "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

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why does sour cream have an expiry date?

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The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

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Where does a Dog go when he loses his tail? Answer: A retailer

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What is the difference between man and Superman? Man wears underwear under the trousers and Superman wears it over the trousers.

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Question: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Answer: Elephino (Hell-if-I-know)

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I didn't lose my mind, I just let it wander and it never came back. I miss it so much.

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Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

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A guy was walking around town with a frog growing out of his head. Another man walks up to him and ask him, "What happened to you?" The frog answered, "Well, it started as a wart on my ass."

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A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

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Q.What did one sheep call the other sheep who stole his food? A. a ba-a-astard

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What has ears but cannot hear? A field of corn.

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Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

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