Every joke I've kept

So what if I don't know what "apocalypse" means. It's not like it's the end of the world

— r/Jokes

Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippy? He was too far-out.

— r/Jokes

Joke my kid made up when he was like 4.... What do you call an angry shopper using bad words? A cussomer.

— r/Jokes

I can't stand those stupid people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn". Stupid firemen.

— r/Jokes

You can tell monopoly's an old game because there's a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail

— r/Jokes

Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them

— r/Jokes

The bartender says "We don't serve time travelers in here." A time traveler walks into a bar.

— r/Jokes

I accidentally clicked on a "You've won an iPhone"-popup. Luckliy it was only a virus.

— r/Jokes

A friend told me that all apples were yellow... I was like, "that's bananas"

— r/Jokes

And The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life" ...but John came in fifth and won a toaster.

— r/Jokes

Neil Degrasse Tyson and Mike Tyson have something common... I don't understand what either one is saying, but I know I'll end up seeing stars.

— r/Jokes

What kind of cigarettes do hippies smoke? Yours.

— r/Jokes

What happens when you mix human DNA with goat DNA? You get kicked out of the petting zoo.

— r/Jokes

What do you call someone who take things literally? A kleptomaniac!

— r/Jokes

Why did God create Adam before he created Eve? So no one would tell him how to make Adam.

— r/Jokes

Why do spies never use capitalization? They like to stay low-key.

— r/Jokes

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's time consuming.

— r/Jokes

It's 364 days until christmas. And people already have their lights up!

— r/Jokes

Why is leather armor best for sneaking? It's literally made of hide.

— r/Jokes

For all you non-native English speakers out there... "Read" is pronounced like "lead", while "read" is pronounced like "lead".

— r/Jokes