Every joke I've kept

Good friends are the ones who will bail you out of jail. But... TRUE friends are the ones who wil be sitting next to you in prison and say, "You know, we sure messed up there, buddy!"

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Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: ---- You should have hit ''n!''

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What did the horse say when he fell? “I've fallen and I can't giddy up!”

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A calendar – something that goes in one year and out the other.

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The gangster's last words – "Who put that violin in my violin case?"

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Wat is die toppunt van geraas? 2 geraamtes wat woellig spyker op n sinkdak met n coke blikkie as n kondoom!

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How do you make the number 1 disappear? Add a "g" to it and it's "gone"

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Why were the police at the baseball game? Because someone stole second base!

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JUST because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I

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I got a new dog last week. She's a black lab and border collie mix, and still a puppy. I take her with me everywhere I go. But when I took her to the vet to get her shots, they told me I had to put her down. I've only had this dog for a week. Seven days. I wanted to keep holding her.

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Ever wonder why bottled water costs so much when there is so much of it? Spell "evian" backwards.....

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And then there was the glass-blower who got hiccups and made 764 marbles.

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What do soccer players drink? Penaltea!

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Q. How do lesbians handle their liquor? A. By the ears. (Lick her)

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When does running mean walking? When you're running out of gas!

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Q: How was copper wire invented?A: Two lawyers were arguing over a penny.

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"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her room-mate. "Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce." "Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?" "He was the original owner!"

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Q: Where are the brave French soldiers buried? A: There aren't any so they had to bury some of ours on their soil.

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Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

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What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A stick.

— public joke corpus